I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and many anxious thoughts to go along with them. My family wants to move back to Sacramento so they can be with my sister and her son (in August). They want me to come too. 

How smoothly I would be able to make the transition? The more I think about it the more rife with peril it is. My mom wants me to come live on her dime while I find work. I can’t do that from a strictly moral standpoint. I’m an adult, and I make an income. I will not be a dependent. That’s a road that leads straight to loss of identity and depression. What if it drags on? Then what? This situation presents many problems that there aren’t solutions for. 

At least for the foreseeable future, I invision myself here. I’m stable here. I have a job with status. I make more than I ever have in my life. Giving all of that up is pretty dramatic, and in exchange for a very unstable circumstance. I want to be there at this special time for my family, but I don’t see how they can ask me be, being who I am. I am constantly cost benefitting this situation. My results have been pretty consistent, as has the tone of this post. 

I think I need my independent life. I have never really had it, and now I want to nurture it. I’m surviving out here. I’m so fucking proud of that. I want to continue to show myself that I can hang in the real world. You can’t ask me to push the reset button and move half way across the state. My whole life would change, and I can’t handle that thought right now. I’m already doing so much to get myself right…

Blog, I’m very torn. My psychologist said I should do what’s best for my mental health. Yeah thanks. Very insightful. My only course is just to keep on going. My lease isn’t up until November. I don’t have to make a decision until then, even though I think I already have. 

These thoughts and the anxieties they create have been my anguish of late. Hopefully rest tonight pacifies them.