Monthly Archives: April 2017

Up

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Hello again Blog. I have been proactive in my silence, pushing myself out of the depressed slump I was in with good mental and physical health practices. Last week, I did another step competition with my cousin’s wife and worked my fucking ass off. I also kept a positive attitude and remained in charge of my rampant anxiety as the days (and triggers) went by. I had a meeting with my therapist on Friday to go over what I had done and what else I still could do to further promote my good mental health. She recommended I spend some time meditating, which I fully intend to do at some point here today and into the future. I’m pretty terrible at it though. as you know, I have been in a bit of a trough, but I have clearly pulled above that back to some semblance of normal/functional. It was a lot of energy, but at the same time, I got tons of energy in from all the eating good food and exercise. I want to continue this trend for as long as it is sustainable.

I have had a little trouble getting good sleep, but I know what that is. I have scaled down my weed intake and that usually causes sleep problems at first. I think I have been using weed to help myself feel better about being alone, and that’s not healthy. It should be recreational, not a crutch. So I have implemented a hiatus until I can feel good and be alone without the need to get high. I don’t know how long that might take, but the weed isn’t helping me feel genuinely happy and I can’t have it obfuscating my objective of finding happiness inside myself.

I hope you all have had a good weekend so far. I am going to see my Uncle for his 60th birthday today. We will have a party and it will be nice. Also this month my family are all coming together down at the beach house for a week. I can’t wait to see them all and spend good quality time with everyone. I really treasure my extended family and how close I am with them. My cousins and I grew up like brothers and sisters all having adventures together or just hanging out. It’s really special when everybody gets to come together to have a laugh and a drink. Good times.

Be well blogomites, the new week is upon us and I greet it with bright eyes and a bushy tail.

Ahead

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Well another weekend has come to a close, and I am doing fine I suppose. I’m managing my anxiety and thinking about a tough week ahead. I’m back in a Fitbit challenge with friends and family which I know is going to help clear the fog of the stupor I have been in. Plus I’m cold turkeying off weed for the duration of the week. I need to get my bearings and breathe deep for a while. I like weed, but sometimes I need to step back. 

This week will be all about getting off on the right foot. I’m going to wake up on time and get to my desk by 5. I’m going to put my head down and crank out some evaluations. I know things are changing at my workplace, and I’m doing what I can to keep pace with it. Lately I have felt like I was dragging my feet everywhere I went. I’m hopeful this sudden intake of invigorating exercise will push me through the next five days. 

Here I am identifying my own shortcomings and finding ways to address them. I am a human, flawed but set on improving. I truly am going to keep trying to be the best me I know how. I’ll fall on my face and regret, but I won’t make the same mistake again. 

I believe in creating your own luck. If you want something, go out there and get it. I’m looking for an answer only I can find, but the road to discovery is long. There are many things I have yet to change, and still a long ways to go before my project is over. 

I wish you all good rest tonight in preparation on the Monday soon to be upon us. This is going to be a great week, and I will be vital and ready by Friday evening. Wish me luck! 

Try and Fail or Fail to Try?

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Part of the miracle of being alive is the spectrum of experiences that are laid out before us all, every day. Depending on the time and circumstance, we might find ourselves on one end of the spectrum or the other. I contend that it is the contrast between good and bad which helps make us completely human, and enhances our understanding of the world. Without contrast, life becomes hollow and meaningless.Sometimes in my anxiety, I can see a world where I try to control my position on the spectrum as much as possible, even to the point of sabotaging my verbal discourse in order to present a non-confrontational non-incendiary approach…. but why? Because I have been  scared of fucking up my words and falling flat on my face in the midst of the conversation, but also to protect my inner self rom people who I don’t want to share that with.

In truth, this is a mistake, because failure is part of the deal; we don’t get to opt out of fucking up. In fact, I insist that fucking up is fundamental to progress, and demolishing conversations, alienating people and plummeting to the depths of unintelligibility are just a part of this process. 

I have my defenses, which keep most people from knowing much of anything about me, but now I see I can’t control anything beyond that. I have subsequently let myself fail time and time again over the years, gleaning valuable lessons from each new disaster. These successive failures and mishandled situations have led me to be a more targeted and specific linguist, especially in the frail territory of new encounters. I am fully prepared to fail, and almost expect that at some point, I will. This helps me be ready when I do, and then able to take something of use from the situation. Without experimentation, we develop no unique paths between who we are internally and what other people see.

I had this discussion with my best friend Will, as he is going through this very thing. In his case, he is anxious to a degree of diluting his words to the point of complete neutral transparency. He reveals none of who he is to anyone, and guards his expressions carefully to avoid conflict. To me, this is no way to live. I have learned more from my failures than I ever could have by carefully crafting my words to defuse situations and avoid confrontation. Sometimes you have no choice but to ruffle someone’s feathers and that’s okay. Negative and positive help us appreciate the good, and understand the bad better to avoid it in the future. Failure is learning and essential to our development as functional individuals.

My advice to you all is to continue to leap carelessly into the chasm and be willing to meet whatever reaction you get. Learn something from failure, and cherish the time you spend in the sun. Conversation is a beautiful narrative fraught with lows and highs and unpredictable transitions. It is this uncertainty that drives me to come back for more and to be honest with who I am. Don’t let people forget who you are with neutrality; make them remember. 

I’m Walking Forward…

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I can see now that this path I’m on is rather desolate, but it is the one I have relegated myself to walk. I must come to terms with that fact and embrace the future and the new horizon that lies ahead. Even though the diversity of my reality has been limited in some ways, it has been enhanced in others. Some ways even  that I have not yet come to realize, I’ll be willing to bet. This process is unlike anything I have done in my life, or even felt remotely capable of doing. To be alone. To survive, and be utterly alone. To have happiness, and be alone.

I wish I knew if I was going to be really happy. If I knew that this path would take me there, I would feel no reservation about committing myself to it. Instead, I’m highly skeptical that there is anything like happiness to be had within the understanding of myself. I am not a happy person, I’m a depressed person, and it takes a lot of extra energy to make me a happy person. Usually the energy can come from someone else, and the burden of being happy is much lighter on me. But alone, I have to will the feeling out of my inmost self and paste it across my face for everyone to see. I feel most happy when someone is loving me. I can’t feel that way by myself, no matter how much I profess to love who I am, the two things are not comparable. Is this whole path a folly?

In my core, I know I need to do this. I need to prove it to myself that I am a complete person who is capable of being happy unaided. Consistently and truly. I will not have fully understood who I am until I try to accomplish that. I hope I succeed, but either way, you bloggomites will be here every step of the way. I have shown you utter failure before; it is my intention that I won’t have to again.

Coping With Me

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Hey blog. I’m just starting out this transitional time where I become as self reliant as I have been in recent memory. To do so is also a test in endurance, as now great swaths of my time are spent in solitude. I have relied on the energy of others to help ignite me; I must now find a way to ignite myself. I am having a hard time with this concept right now. I’m alone in my apartment again and here with my thoughts. Those thoughts not always being so pleasant. I’m looking for my happy place, but I don’t even know if there is one to find. I’m not saying I want to deviate, mind you, but I am having reservations about not being loved. Relationships are wonderful when they are healthy, but those times have been few for me. A lot of that was to do with me, and my instability. In light of all my experience in the relationship front, I think it’s fair to say that was my shot. I had my prime, I squandered it. Now that time is over, and relationships are just too much stress and turmoil to willingly invite into my world. I’m going to do a lot better without them, and who knows, I may pick up some cool friends along the way. I’d never close myself to opportunity, but will I be investing any more of my time in that direction, no. Instead, I will be redirecting that energy towards getting my degree. That’s my long term goal, and I want to make this little life for myself. It’s just hard being here alone. Knowing that no one out there wishes you were with them instead. It’s not devastating, but it hurts to think about. Subsequently, after I’ve had a pout I am significantly less likely to play Edain or do anything fun. I try not to mope but what can I do? I should feel sad about being banished, it’s what I deserve.

 

Well, have a decent night blog.

Push to Reset

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I know it’s been a few days and I do regret that. I seem to handle things better the more often I check in. Lately, I have been getting used to my state being perpetually alone. I don’t see this as a negative thing in my mind, and in a way, I take my circumstance as a sign pointing towards the life I will lead. My forced solitude is a blessing, and that is the thing I have come to see clearly. What I need, is time with myself. I will be as strong as I have ever been because the love I have is for myself comes first. I want to be independent and proud, but not distant or aloof. I’m not closing the door on a relationship, I’m just not going to go out looking for one any more. Whatever happens is fine, as long as I can maintain my independence. I’m just not meant to be with anyone. 

In short, I’m going to find some kind of happiness in my new way of living and that will be enough. I’ve just come to realize what is and isn’t possible anymore. It’s never been more clear. There is no going back. 

I’m determined, and desperate. However, on a promising new heading. Here’s hoping I don’t have a catatonic meltdown in a few weeks. 

Regardless

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It’s time to go into just how I plan to handle my situation. I have to very stigmatizing diagnoses that will alienate me utterly from the population. I must accept this fact and move forward knowing who I am and what sort of life I want to try to lead. I am resolved to make the most of my situation and pursue the advancement of my future in a positive direction. I don’t need anyone else with me in order to make that journey, and do so with happiness and pride. I have been looking for the answer to how I feel outside of myself for too long, and need to come to peace with this life I have relegated myself to. This is what is best for me, to live honestly with myself and forge a future I can be proud of. There is no one else I owe this to more than myself, and I have neglected it for a long time. I am taking strides to complete the idea of who I want to be. It’s not going to happen all at once, but I will make incremental steps towards improving my life and getting to a healthier place. If. because of bipolar disorder and herpes, I am left to make that discovery alone, I understand and accept that fact. I am the one who put myself in this situation, and I alone will be accountable for it. I need to find happiness regardless, somewhere in the life I have left. I know I can, and I am working towards it every day. I take small steps forward. I know who I am and I am proud to be him. I may be alone the rest of my life, but I’m okay with that.

Pillars

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I feel rather confident of late blog, and this feeling is more than welcome to stick around for a while. Things in the past few weeks have seemed unstable and cloudy, but those symptoms have been alleviated. I use the analogy of needing to have a bomb go off in my life so that it gets shattered into pieces… because only then can the true rebuilding begin. A shock is what it takes to force a new perspective, and cast light on things in a different way. As was the case with me when I went to the hospital: I often did really well for a short time thereafter, until I was back in the toxic home environment which undid all that hard work. I need to let explosive events happen in my life because how I reassemble is of paramount concern to my success as an individual going forward.

I feel strong enough to hold the weight of my own life above my head firmly, especially now knowing more about how I want to live it than I have before. Trauma can be a good thing blog, believe it or not. There is always something to be gained regardless of how bleak the situation.

My weekend has been about self care and fun, I hope yours has been equally rewarding.

With Hope

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Ever since my diagnosis, I have felt more at peace in my life than I have in a long time. I regret the delivery mechanism, but that’s reality for you; sometimes the lesson one has to learn comes with a price. While that is nevertheless true, I walk forward with a great deal of hope. My future has finally started to take a shape that makes sense for me, and I am very pleased with the direction it leads. I will be able to dedicate my time to advancing myself forward in the world and finally earning my degree. I will lift myself up out of this life I have and go where I have always wanted to go; unencumbered, self-invested and free to be who I am. I feel like I have been blind for so long, and suddenly…

I know what I’m going to do, and next week is all about putting the ball in motion. I’ve got 4 transcripts to collect and then I get to go school shopping. I intend to apply for scholarships and grants to try and fund my education, while I continue to work full time. Can I really do both of these things? Yes, I think so… especially now that my internal priorities have dramatically changed. It pains me to say it, but being infected was exactly what I needed to jolt me out of my complacency and make me see the whole picture of my unfolding life.

The best part about this situation is how right it feels. Subsequently, it doesn’t seem manic or out of control at all, instead, more like the sun has just burned through a thick fog. Or that feeling right in the middle of my first cup of coffee in the morning, when the cobwebs blow away. What is to become of me? I think many good things, and even more opportunities for them that I am making for myself. I do have hopes and dreams and they will be realized damnit!

I don’t recommend getting an STD as a way to jolt oneself out of a depressed cycle, regardless of the effect it had on me. When calamity strikes, it can take myriad forms; this just happened to be the one selected for me. Yours may be different: a death in the family, a lost pet, car accident, breakup… pain and shock can be boons as well as burdens. Those moments force us to harshly reconsider our current course of action, especially when the calamity is self-invoked (like mine).

So my point is, maybe when something truly life changing and terrible happens to you, there is a good reason it did. The real question is, can one find meaning despite great pain or sadness?

Reality

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It took a major calamity, but things have started to come together for me mentally. I have herpes, not attributable to any one person or event. I hadn’t been tested in 10 years, which means it could have happened a long time ago and I would never have known. This event has caused me to realize a few things, and has brought a sort of focus to my behavior that I had been unable to find. I see very clearly now who I am, and what my path ahead looks like, and it is now on me to embrace it fully. I intend to live me life proudly, regardless of diagnosis or situation. Blog, it has become apparent that I need to be able to be completely alone and also fully healthy. I need to be able to depend on myself for everything I could want in this world, and be the only thing I truly need. My allegiance has been divided my whole life between myself and others, and now I know what I must do.

I’m sorry in part that this revolution had to come at the cost of my sexual freedom, but it is that very thing that caused a great deal of my hardships in the first place. My sexual urges led me into disastrous relationships, unsafe situations and countless other mistakes that have cost me dearly over the years. I don’t have the freedom to be that way any more, and I will spare myself from making even more mistakes farther on down the road. I am not saying I won’t have a sex life, but it will be consensual, safe and slow-developing. I am also okay with not ever having sex again, if that were the case.

I have had my fun with relationships, and failed every time I tried to have one. I have had two divorces, and made subsequent mistakes across a nearly 15 year span. I had my chance to get it right, and I don’t think I ever will because of who I am and how unstable my demeanor is through the years. I must come to terms with that reality because there is a strong likelihood that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t intend to end up that way, but I know that future is out there and is entirely probable.

In the end, this terrible, life-changing curse has actually bestowed on me a sense of clarity I have not had in an exceptionally long time. I feel resolved, confident, and ready to embrace myself as the proprietor of my own fate. I think relationships and me just do not go together, and at least this way, I will be happy no matter if I am with someone or not. I have always looked to others for the truth, when I needed to find it within myself all along. I know things will be different, but this is who I am. Regardless of malady, I am still grateful to be me and also feel at peace with my life. It has been many weeks since I felt this positive about the world.

Right now, I’m calm, content and enjoying my Friday night with myself. This is the shape of my life, and needs to be acceptable as such for the remainder of my time here. I think that is entirely possible, but I will never isolate myself to any one fate. The future is all about possibilities, and I won’t limit mine.

I’m thankful to be here in the world and living my life. Whatever happens, I will stay true to myself and never compromise who I am. It’s a revolution blog, and the sun is rising on the horizon.

 

Rebounding

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It has been a better day today than yesterday. I continue to make progress out of my low point a couple days prior. I’ve just started to become accustomed to going through a cycle like that every once and a while. It’s not fun, but it’s not the end. 

I’ve decided to both work and earn my BA in english as a short-term future goal. Depression never let me finish college, and I did a lot of coursework at several divergent schools. I should do something with those units. I am beginning the process of gathering all my transcripts now and will continue to do so into next week. Once I have them all collected, I intend to at a school that can get me to where I need to be. I want to keep working, but just use my afterwork time more effectively. I know this might come at a huge energy cost, but I think this is something I can do. 

I just want my life to have meaning. I feel detached from substance, living in a sort of mental purgatory. Part of this is my depression, but I do truly feel my life could be a lot more rich and complete. Maybe then I would feel really and truly happy. Maybe if I was able to salvage something good from my past I could go forward feeling rejuvenated about my new direction. This is something I never finished, and I want to finish it. 

It’s an okay night. 

Recharged?

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Well I’ve had a few days off to collect myself and I think I have. I needed a break from the routine which is precisely what I got over this short respite. I was able to have time to myself, and opportunities to tend to my responsibilities. This has replenished the confidence well a bit, and given me some positive thoughts about the upcoming week. I’m encouraged by the way I feel at the close of things. I’m ready to sleep soundly and get up early for work. 

I’ve been chatting with Carly and I am enjoying the interaction very much. My relaxed approach is allowing me to partake of the nuances of how we talk to each other. The things that make her laugh, the things she is willing to tell me. I feel more closely connected to her than ever before, but there is still a long way to go. 
I need to have a more positive attitude about work. Even though the environment is toxic and the people don’t interface well with me, it’s my job and I need to do it. I’m not down for the count and I’m coming back strong. I will get back in there and get after it. It’s my life and I need to take charge of it. 
Stern words before the cold brutality of Monday morning. 

Pointed Up

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I can say that my mood is significantly better today than yesterday. The depression slump will not last, in fact, the evaporation process is already well underway. My mood is improved; I have laughed out loud several times already this morning, something I do not think I could do at all yesterday. My energy level is also a little higher. I’m planning on giving the studio a deep clean today and tomorrow, and take some responsibility for my space.

I know these cycles happen, where I go up for a little bit (around the time I started in with my Fitbit), but eventually end up in a trough feeling really sad and miserable. That transitions into a steady uphill climb out of the darkness and back in the place where reason and accountability thrive. I have a lot I need to work on still; sometimes the weight of it can crush me down into hamburger meat. I always find a way to muster the strength to pick it back up again and hold the weight of my life as it should be. It’s easily the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.

So I do get depressed from time to time. I have to cope with that with the tools I have at my disposal as a mart of my mindfulness. I did meditate a lot at night when my anxieties were really going apeshit. But I couldn’t pick myself back up, I just didn’t feel good about anything yesterday. Not even the fun distractions that always make me happy. I look back on where I was 24 hours ago and the difference is stark. If the depression goes on in that deep trough for more than 3 days, that’s when I go the EAP and start reading. I would also trigger calls to both therapist and psychiatrist. I don’t fuck around when we go more than 3 days. The status quo can deteriorate rapidly with bipolar depression. Within days I could be at hopeless rock-bottom. I don’t want to end up like that again.

Today is a better day, and another chance to learn from a depressed cycle and come out more prepared for the next one. As the days go on, I’m willing to try to overcome the challenges my life deals me and take something of value from my failures. This attitude will lead to improvement, not stagnation. That’s where I’m headed. Thanks for reading!