Up

Hello again Blog. I have been proactive in my silence, pushing myself out of the depressed slump I was in with good mental and physical health practices. Last week, I did another step competition with my cousin’s wife and worked my fucking ass off. I also kept a positive attitude and remained in charge of my rampant anxiety as the days (and triggers) went by. I had a meeting with my therapist on Friday to go over what I had done and what else I still could do to further promote my good mental health. She recommended I spend some time meditating, which I fully intend to do at some point here today and into the future. I’m pretty terrible at it though. as you know, I have been in a bit of a trough, but I have clearly pulled above that back to some semblance of normal/functional. It was a lot of energy, but at the same time, I got tons of energy in from all the eating good food and exercise. I want to continue this trend for as long as it is sustainable.

I have had a little trouble getting good sleep, but I know what that is. I have scaled down my weed intake and that usually causes sleep problems at first. I think I have been using weed to help myself feel better about being alone, and that’s not healthy. It should be recreational, not a crutch. So I have implemented a hiatus until I can feel good and be alone without the need to get high. I don’t know how long that might take, but the weed isn’t helping me feel genuinely happy and I can’t have it obfuscating my objective of finding happiness inside myself.

I hope you all have had a good weekend so far. I am going to see my Uncle for his 60th birthday today. We will have a party and it will be nice. Also this month my family are all coming together down at the beach house for a week. I can’t wait to see them all and spend good quality time with everyone. I really treasure my extended family and how close I am with them. My cousins and I grew up like brothers and sisters all having adventures together or just hanging out. It’s really special when everybody gets to come together to have a laugh and a drink. Good times.

Be well blogomites, the new week is upon us and I greet it with bright eyes and a bushy tail.

Ahead

Well another weekend has come to a close, and I am doing fine I suppose. I’m managing my anxiety and thinking about a tough week ahead. I’m back in a Fitbit challenge with friends and family which I know is going to help clear the fog of the stupor I have been in. Plus I’m cold turkeying off weed for the duration of the week. I need to get my bearings and breathe deep for a while. I like weed, but sometimes I need to step back. 

This week will be all about getting off on the right foot. I’m going to wake up on time and get to my desk by 5. I’m going to put my head down and crank out some evaluations. I know things are changing at my workplace, and I’m doing what I can to keep pace with it. Lately I have felt like I was dragging my feet everywhere I went. I’m hopeful this sudden intake of invigorating exercise will push me through the next five days. 

Here I am identifying my own shortcomings and finding ways to address them. I am a human, flawed but set on improving. I truly am going to keep trying to be the best me I know how. I’ll fall on my face and regret, but I won’t make the same mistake again. 

I believe in creating your own luck. If you want something, go out there and get it. I’m looking for an answer only I can find, but the road to discovery is long. There are many things I have yet to change, and still a long ways to go before my project is over. 

I wish you all good rest tonight in preparation on the Monday soon to be upon us. This is going to be a great week, and I will be vital and ready by Friday evening. Wish me luck! 

Try and Fail or Fail to Try?

Part of the miracle of being alive is the spectrum of experiences that are laid out before us all, every day. Depending on the time and circumstance, we might find ourselves on one end of the spectrum or the other. I contend that it is the contrast between good and bad which helps make us completely human, and enhances our understanding of the world. Without contrast, life becomes hollow and meaningless.Sometimes in my anxiety, I can see a world where I try to control my position on the spectrum as much as possible, even to the point of sabotaging my verbal discourse in order to present a non-confrontational non-incendiary approach…. but why? Because I have been  scared of fucking up my words and falling flat on my face in the midst of the conversation, but also to protect my inner self rom people who I don’t want to share that with.

In truth, this is a mistake, because failure is part of the deal; we don’t get to opt out of fucking up. In fact, I insist that fucking up is fundamental to progress, and demolishing conversations, alienating people and plummeting to the depths of unintelligibility are just a part of this process. 

I have my defenses, which keep most people from knowing much of anything about me, but now I see I can’t control anything beyond that. I have subsequently let myself fail time and time again over the years, gleaning valuable lessons from each new disaster. These successive failures and mishandled situations have led me to be a more targeted and specific linguist, especially in the frail territory of new encounters. I am fully prepared to fail, and almost expect that at some point, I will. This helps me be ready when I do, and then able to take something of use from the situation. Without experimentation, we develop no unique paths between who we are internally and what other people see.

I had this discussion with my best friend Will, as he is going through this very thing. In his case, he is anxious to a degree of diluting his words to the point of complete neutral transparency. He reveals none of who he is to anyone, and guards his expressions carefully to avoid conflict. To me, this is no way to live. I have learned more from my failures than I ever could have by carefully crafting my words to defuse situations and avoid confrontation. Sometimes you have no choice but to ruffle someone’s feathers and that’s okay. Negative and positive help us appreciate the good, and understand the bad better to avoid it in the future. Failure is learning and essential to our development as functional individuals.

My advice to you all is to continue to leap carelessly into the chasm and be willing to meet whatever reaction you get. Learn something from failure, and cherish the time you spend in the sun. Conversation is a beautiful narrative fraught with lows and highs and unpredictable transitions. It is this uncertainty that drives me to come back for more and to be honest with who I am. Don’t let people forget who you are with neutrality; make them remember. 

I’m Walking Forward…

I can see now that this path I’m on is rather desolate, but it is the one I have relegated myself to walk. I must come to terms with that fact and embrace the future and the new horizon that lies ahead. Even though the diversity of my reality has been limited in some ways, it has been enhanced in others. Some ways even  that I have not yet come to realize, I’ll be willing to bet. This process is unlike anything I have done in my life, or even felt remotely capable of doing. To be alone. To survive, and be utterly alone. To have happiness, and be alone.

I wish I knew if I was going to be really happy. If I knew that this path would take me there, I would feel no reservation about committing myself to it. Instead, I’m highly skeptical that there is anything like happiness to be had within the understanding of myself. I am not a happy person, I’m a depressed person, and it takes a lot of extra energy to make me a happy person. Usually the energy can come from someone else, and the burden of being happy is much lighter on me. But alone, I have to will the feeling out of my inmost self and paste it across my face for everyone to see. I feel most happy when someone is loving me. I can’t feel that way by myself, no matter how much I profess to love who I am, the two things are not comparable. Is this whole path a folly?

In my core, I know I need to do this. I need to prove it to myself that I am a complete person who is capable of being happy unaided. Consistently and truly. I will not have fully understood who I am until I try to accomplish that. I hope I succeed, but either way, you bloggomites will be here every step of the way. I have shown you utter failure before; it is my intention that I won’t have to again.

Coping With Me

Hey blog. I’m just starting out this transitional time where I become as self reliant as I have been in recent memory. To do so is also a test in endurance, as now great swaths of my time are spent in solitude. I have relied on the energy of others to help ignite me; I must now find a way to ignite myself. I am having a hard time with this concept right now. I’m alone in my apartment again and here with my thoughts. Those thoughts not always being so pleasant. I’m looking for my happy place, but I don’t even know if there is one to find. I’m not saying I want to deviate, mind you, but I am having reservations about not being loved. Relationships are wonderful when they are healthy, but those times have been few for me. A lot of that was to do with me, and my instability. In light of all my experience in the relationship front, I think it’s fair to say that was my shot. I had my prime, I squandered it. Now that time is over, and relationships are just too much stress and turmoil to willingly invite into my world. I’m going to do a lot better without them, and who knows, I may pick up some cool friends along the way. I’d never close myself to opportunity, but will I be investing any more of my time in that direction, no. Instead, I will be redirecting that energy towards getting my degree. That’s my long term goal, and I want to make this little life for myself. It’s just hard being here alone. Knowing that no one out there wishes you were with them instead. It’s not devastating, but it hurts to think about. Subsequently, after I’ve had a pout I am significantly less likely to play Edain or do anything fun. I try not to mope but what can I do? I should feel sad about being banished, it’s what I deserve.

 

Well, have a decent night blog.

Push to Reset

I know it’s been a few days and I do regret that. I seem to handle things better the more often I check in. Lately, I have been getting used to my state being perpetually alone. I don’t see this as a negative thing in my mind, and in a way, I take my circumstance as a sign pointing towards the life I will lead. My forced solitude is a blessing, and that is the thing I have come to see clearly. What I need, is time with myself. I will be as strong as I have ever been because the love I have is for myself comes first. I want to be independent and proud, but not distant or aloof. I’m not closing the door on a relationship, I’m just not going to go out looking for one any more. Whatever happens is fine, as long as I can maintain my independence. I’m just not meant to be with anyone. 

In short, I’m going to find some kind of happiness in my new way of living and that will be enough. I’ve just come to realize what is and isn’t possible anymore. It’s never been more clear. There is no going back. 

I’m determined, and desperate. However, on a promising new heading. Here’s hoping I don’t have a catatonic meltdown in a few weeks.