Reality

It took a major calamity, but things have started to come together for me mentally. I have herpes, not attributable to any one person or event. I hadn’t been tested in 10 years, which means it could have happened a long time ago and I would never have known. This event has caused me to realize a few things, and has brought a sort of focus to my behavior that I had been unable to find. I see very clearly now who I am, and what my path ahead looks like, and it is now on me to embrace it fully. I intend to live me life proudly, regardless of diagnosis or situation. Blog, it has become apparent that I need to be able to be completely alone and also fully healthy. I need to be able to depend on myself for everything I could want in this world, and be the only thing I truly need. My allegiance has been divided my whole life between myself and others, and now I know what I must do.

I’m sorry in part that this revolution had to come at the cost of my sexual freedom, but it is that very thing that caused a great deal of my hardships in the first place. My sexual urges led me into disastrous relationships, unsafe situations and countless other mistakes that have cost me dearly over the years. I don’t have the freedom to be that way any more, and I will spare myself from making even more mistakes farther on down the road. I am not saying I won’t have a sex life, but it will be consensual, safe and slow-developing. I am also okay with not ever having sex again, if that were the case.

I have had my fun with relationships, and failed every time I tried to have one. I have had two divorces, and made subsequent mistakes across a nearly 15 year span. I had my chance to get it right, and I don’t think I ever will because of who I am and how unstable my demeanor is through the years. I must come to terms with that reality because there is a strong likelihood that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t intend to end up that way, but I know that future is out there and is entirely probable.

In the end, this terrible, life-changing curse has actually bestowed on me a sense of clarity I have not had in an exceptionally long time. I feel resolved, confident, and ready to embrace myself as the proprietor of my own fate. I think relationships and me just do not go together, and at least this way, I will be happy no matter if I am with someone or not. I have always looked to others for the truth, when I needed to find it within myself all along. I know things will be different, but this is who I am. Regardless of malady, I am still grateful to be me and also feel at peace with my life. It has been many weeks since I felt this positive about the world.

Right now, I’m calm, content and enjoying my Friday night with myself. This is the shape of my life, and needs to be acceptable as such for the remainder of my time here. I think that is entirely possible, but I will never isolate myself to any one fate. The future is all about possibilities, and I won’t limit mine.

I’m thankful to be here in the world and living my life. Whatever happens, I will stay true to myself and never compromise who I am. It’s a revolution blog, and the sun is rising on the horizon.

 

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4 thoughts on “Reality

    • It feels really good to understand my life really clearly, and who I need to be. I pay a heavy price for it, but I am confident I can go forward stronger than before.

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