Coping With Me

Hey blog. I’m just starting out this transitional time where I become as self reliant as I have been in recent memory. To do so is also a test in endurance, as now great swaths of my time are spent in solitude. I have relied on the energy of others to help ignite me; I must now find a way to ignite myself. I am having a hard time with this concept right now. I’m alone in my apartment again and here with my thoughts. Those thoughts not always being so pleasant. I’m looking for my happy place, but I don’t even know if there is one to find. I’m not saying I want to deviate, mind you, but I am having reservations about not being loved. Relationships are wonderful when they are healthy, but those times have been few for me. A lot of that was to do with me, and my instability. In light of all my experience in the relationship front, I think it’s fair to say that was my shot. I had my prime, I squandered it. Now that time is over, and relationships are just too much stress and turmoil to willingly invite into my world. I’m going to do a lot better without them, and who knows, I may pick up some cool friends along the way. I’d never close myself to opportunity, but will I be investing any more of my time in that direction, no. Instead, I will be redirecting that energy towards getting my degree. That’s my long term goal, and I want to make this little life for myself. It’s just hard being here alone. Knowing that no one out there wishes you were with them instead. It’s not devastating, but it hurts to think about. Subsequently, after I’ve had a pout I am significantly less likely to play Edain or do anything fun. I try not to mope but what can I do? I should feel sad about being banished, it’s what I deserve.


Well, have a decent night blog.