I’m Walking Forward…

I can see now that this path I’m on is rather desolate, but it is the one I have relegated myself to walk. I must come to terms with that fact and embrace the future and the new horizon that lies ahead. Even though the diversity of my reality has been limited in some ways, it has been enhanced in others. Some ways even  that I have not yet come to realize, I’ll be willing to bet. This process is unlike anything I have done in my life, or even felt remotely capable of doing. To be alone. To survive, and be utterly alone. To have happiness, and be alone.

I wish I knew if I was going to be really happy. If I knew that this path would take me there, I would feel no reservation about committing myself to it. Instead, I’m highly skeptical that there is anything like happiness to be had within the understanding of myself. I am not a happy person, I’m a depressed person, and it takes a lot of extra energy to make me a happy person. Usually the energy can come from someone else, and the burden of being happy is much lighter on me. But alone, I have to will the feeling out of my inmost self and paste it across my face for everyone to see. I feel most happy when someone is loving me. I can’t feel that way by myself, no matter how much I profess to love who I am, the two things are not comparable. Is this whole path a folly?

In my core, I know I need to do this. I need to prove it to myself that I am a complete person who is capable of being happy unaided. Consistently and truly. I will not have fully understood who I am until I try to accomplish that. I hope I succeed, but either way, you bloggomites will be here every step of the way. I have shown you utter failure before; it is my intention that I won’t have to again.

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