Monthly Archives: May 2017

Pillow Talk

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Hello blog. I haven’t written to you in a while, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been in a rut lately and many small things have added up to a lot of weight. Though, overall, I’m doing alright. I’m not acutely suffering, but some of the symptoms of depression are there. The fatigue, slow motivation, disturbing anxieties and skepticism seem to pervade, and especially in the morning. I was an hour late getting in today, for example. 

I feel much better though, now that I’m in bed. I’m happy here. Everything is soft with the fuzzies and warm. It makes me feel safe from all of the anxieties and stresses of my day. It is the one place I can go and feel at peace and protected in a very fundamental sense. Logically? No explanation whatsoever. I don’t even bother to understand it. It just makes me feel good and it’s not a controlled substance so you should be happy 

Will has been a great friend in this tough time. He’s always willing to talk to me about stuff, and has loads of insight from someone who knows me well. I have been meaning to ask, but he must look back on who I was in high school and wonder where that guy went. That me was direct, merciless, insane, goofy and bizarre. The only one of those things I still am is direct. I used to be so vital and energetic, but as time went on, it broke me. I collapsed. After that first depression and meds, I became someone different. I do not know how to compare these two states. Both are good and bad for different reasons. I favor stability and old me was in no way stable. 

I think I lost Carly. It would be sad but expected. She got scared by my herpes and that pretty much quashed the flame she may have had burning for me. She seemed to be really interesting, with a full life. However, she detached from me a long time ago for many reasons. It’s not the way I wanted things to go, but this disintegration was inevitable, it seems. 

I just want to have a normal day, you know, where I wake up refreshed? A day where I can focus clearly, have meaningful social interactions and feel solidly good. I have had days like that before. I’m trying everything to promote that possibility with my actions tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Goodnight blog. I promise to stop by more often. I haven’t forgotten you, I’m just struggling. 

Stumbling Forward

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I got into this mode of living as an independent man to help forward my ongoing mental health, but at the same time I am taxed by being alone. It is a tough balance. I need friends, but not deeply attached friends. I need meaningful exchanges without love or lust getting in the way. I have said it before but I think getting herpes has really helped me realize how alone I need to be to be healthy. Relationships fuck me up, and I will have no more of them. 

I will have women who I care for in my life, but not love with passion. Friends who can share memories and stories and show interest in each other’s lives. The thing I am trying to avoid is love and all the baggage that comes with it. Love has chewed me up and spit me out more than a few times. I’ve learned my lesson. Now I have a chance to prove my intentions as valid. 

Things happen and we respond. Life presents us with new challenges daily. In the end, I’m the only one who’s responsible for my life. If I want to live it proudly or in the shadows, that’s up to me. I was just telling Will about taking something of worth from the poorest deals. There is a truth to be gleaned from great loss and suffering. Maybe what we learn can move us forward instead of back? I didn’t make this road easy, but it’s mine to embrace and plow through. I’m ready for that blog. I did this. This whole thing is on me, not anyone else. I own that and I will do what I can to live true and proud regardless. 

Sometimes it hurts to think about just how lonely and unfulfilled I’m going to be for the rest of my life. That too was my choice and my burden. I’m here because I put myself here. I’m the only one who can make something of worth out of what’s left. I have next to nothing to show for my life and a weight on me I will never be free of. I have come to terms with all of this and vow to push on. Even if no one comes with me, I’m going forward. I won’t turn away in shame. I will face my pain and embrace my ultimate isolation. 

Tomorrow is Wednesday, and I’ll still be the same fucked up me I am right now when I wake up. There is no reset, there is just tomorrow. 

…And We’re Back!

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I haven’t blogged in a while, mainly because I have been so overloaded that the itch to write was stomped out temporarily. Life does tend to get hard for stretches, but it’s the hard things we do that make us who we are and represent what we stand for. Personally, there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for my family, but I am also aware how much energy that costs.

Moral of the story is, we survived family reunion and moving back to back, and now a much deserved return to normalcy. Starting this week, I will have only myself to worry about again, which I sincerely needed. This release of the weight I had been carrying has left me the excess to do things like, blog, for example. I know I wrote a little from the heat of it, but I was pissed off and grumpy in general. I certainly don’t feel that way now.

Getting back to work was a tough transition, but I made it. I got through my day and came out the other side feeling pretty nominal. I guess this is our mark on the post blog. From here, we will see as the week goes on if I manage to fulfill my physical health goals and still keep a high level of energy for the rest of my life. I am thinking right now I don’t feel tired, or anxious, or anything but comfortable. If I’m significantly lower than this by 7:40 pm Friday, I’ll have some clue that I need to change something else in my life to foster a better energy environment. Whatever that happens to be…

Goodnight for now blog. See? Happy post. Not angsty post. Happy post.

Burning Out

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Remember how I said that Sunday was my last family activity? I forgot to mention my parents are moving as well, and as of this afternoon that task too will be completed. Meanwhile, I’m barely hanging on. My energy is in the tank, my attitude sucks and my motivation has shriveled up and died. It has been a grueling week plus a few days. 

However, by the time late afternoon gets here, I really will be left alone to have my weekend. I can relax and regain some inertia. This run has taxed me, and there have been consequences. Mainly, I drive much more aggressively than I have in the past. I need to stop doing that because it is dangerous and not beneficial. I also blew up at this lady who asked me if I could plug her dual diagnosis site. At first I told her yes, back earlier in the week, but as you can see, I haven’t had the strength to post until now. She poked me yesterday asking if I had done my favor for her, and I told her I’d post it when I was good and ready, if at all. If I’m the one helping you out, don’t prod me to get me to do it faster. That’s infuriating. So, I’m not going to post her content as a reminder to myself and others: treat me with respect, and you will be treated with the same… treat me like an idiot and count me out. 

It’s an hour before my alarm goes off. I just had a series of perturbing dreams that I clearly remember, for once (a byproduct of hugely reduced cannabis intake). I dreamed about Amanda, and that I was kicking the shit out of her ex husband. But he was like, unstoppable. He insisted on annoying me and no matter how hard I hit him or choked him or smashed his face with bricks, he just kept coming. He tore my Fitbit off my arm, he stole my phone, he was standing over me while I was in bed, it gets weirder from there. Amanda and I tried to have sex but he was right there and I couldn’t get hard. It was totally strange. Then there was an alien invasion and people were being harvested and taken up to the mothership. We were all fugitives running from safe house to rendezvous point. For some reason or another, Amanda and I had to split up. I cried because I knew we were both going to be caught before we reached the next safe place, and I was never going to see her again. It was a strange dream with a bummer ending. 

Today I’m finishing up the move for my parents. We are hauling food to the new apartment. After today, moving time will be over. I can’t tell you how badly I need the time off. I also really want to see Carly but she’s been busy for the last two months. A product of circumstance, mind you. I still believe Carly is repulsed and also not interested in talking about my herpes, which will relegate our relationship to a platonic state. I guess I don’t mind that, since I was the one who did this to myself. I can’t expect anyone to want to have sex with me anymore. 

Well blog, one more day. 

Almost

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The end of Sunday is approaching and I’m down to one more social event for the remainder of the weekend. The social will continue on into tomorrow as we are doing another family dinner then too. It’s been 3 days of happy times, laughing, drinking beer, smoking a little weed and generally relaxing in the sun. I have no complaints, however the taxation of my energy level remains another matter entirely. I feel like I’m running on fumes headed into this last little dinner thing we are having tonight. It’s not going to be much, but it’s still going out and putting on a show. People love the show, mind you, so my presence is welcome. I generally feel nourished being around all my family too, which adds a bit of fuel to the fire. I am making it and I am doing a great job. I am also getting lots of positive feedback which has helped bolster my confidence. I know the person I am and so does everyone else, and we all agree I’m pretty cool.

 

I’m going to take a break from this blog post and write the rest of it when I get back from the party. Continuation below.

 

 

Well other than the elaborate conservative vs. liberal argument about new parent’s dependance on state provided services to raise a child, it was an okay evening. Hopefully a healthy difference of opinion doesn’t ruin their already tenuous relationship. For my part I talked and cleaned up after dinner and had a good time overall. I’m home now and in my jams, just where I hoped I’d be right about now. Sadly, this :45 minutes of peace and solace bumps right against bed-time. Tomorrow is another day jammed from start to finish with more shit to do. I think though I don’t have anything on Tuesday.

 

I’m in a pessimistic place right now and I want to rant but holding myself back. Right now ranting about things I have no control over isn’t going to help me realize anything new, and is certainly not causing a reduction in the feelings. I’m better off just swallowing my thoughts and granting them some internal recognition: yes I think that behavior is pretty negative, yes the way I am being treated is not particularly respectful, yes eventually there you will know for certain and there will be resolution of sorts. I don’t mind the waiting but it is hard to watch a slow death of something that at one time looked very promising. I’m being ambiguous intentionally. 

Well it’s my bed time. I partied, I lived the life. Now reality will be mashing pans together at 4:15 tomorrow morning and I need to be ready. So goodnight. 

Complications and Resolutions

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In light of my good friend Will’s decision to pursue a physical relationship with his friend Erin, I have been giving some thought to the same perplexing possibility in my own life. The ingredients are all there for both of us, but I’m quite intent upon making a totally different meal than the one Will did.

Mainly, I don’t trust myself in that situation, and I don’t believe I could repress my feelings the way he has to. Sex creates bonds of closeness and that is something I want to avoid. Will is stronger, and he believes he can walk this road and not get hurt. I know in my heart that I could not do the same, as appealing as it sounds.

It’s not that I don’t like sex and closeness (I really do),  but when I look back over my life, I see failed relationships where I acted with my heart and got involved in things that would come unraveled eventually because I was too blind to see it wasn’t a good fit. At this point, I should know better than to go thinking with my dick or appeasing my feelings of loneliness with  companionship. I have seen where that way of acting gets me.

So I am both envious and fearful for my best friend. I hope he knows when to put the breaks on if that’s what needs to happen. It’s not a good match for him as far as a relationship goes, in my opinion. He deserves much better. As do I. I’m willing to hold off my urges and desires because I know that the end result is far more painful than the few good times that get sprinkled in along the way. Cost-benefit analysis.

Plus, it helps that I’m not looking for that satisfaction, and he is. I say if you have control over your life and don’t mind bringing in outside factors, then more power to you. If anything, it has made me realize how much I don’t want what he has, even if the idea sounds pretty fucking sweet. I know I’m not ready for that type of thing; not now, and not in a long time. My own dynamic with Carly  I believe may have lost the physical component but there’s no way to be sure at this time, while also irrelevant if that suspicion is true. If it has, then so be it… my life is headed in the direction of my choosing with or without it.

I guess this whole situation made me feel conflicted, then resolved. I do this with myself every so often; eventually coming back to a resolution about my attitude and behavior. I really do like this life I have where I only have myself to worry about keeping happy, or dealing with. I have a loving family and a strong sense of self… I really do have all the tools I need to launch a successful independent life laid out before me. I’m not going to let my dick get in the way of that, regardless of how nice it all feels to indulge. The temptation is strong, but I’m not ready, which is the final word on the matter.

This weekend has been a fucking blast. Fun parties every single day, family from out of town, beer on tap, Mexican food… do I really need to go on? Oh, did I mention my sister is going to have a baby??? I’m going to be an uncle! Hobie, that little man will be named, and he already has his first two onesies that I bought for him. I made a card for my sister too about how happy I am she’s bringing a new member of the family in to our lives. So many grand kids running around already it’s intoxicating and wonderful. Such a nourishing environment full of people who love me.

That’s the kind of thing I want to cultivate. I’ve always looked t make my own ideal family unit with some new woman from the outside, but now I realize I had one all along right under my nose. I need to spend more time nurturing the love that is already there and stop looking for it in other places.

Have a good rest of your weekend, as I no doubt will.

Measures

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So I felt like things were getting really bad with my mood and I was rapidly descending into a negative place. There was one thing I could do to lift myself out of it if I was right about the withdrawal. I am pleased to say I was right. I smoked a small nug as a medical measure to get THC back into my system and end my rage spiral. It’s not proving anything to myself to not smoke when I clearly needed to just because I wanted to quit for a month. This was a medical measure strictly, and not a pattern. I’m still content waiting to re-join regularity until my target date, but right now, tonight,m I needed to so things wouldn’t get out of control.

I mean, I imagine having self control is pretty much like this. It’s back in my drawer where it belongs and I’m back on the couch relaxing. If emergencies come up and my mood is in a really bad place, then I condone it’s use just like any other PRN. Used when needed, not abused. Tonight is a great example of my self-control. I’m going to enjoy my game with friends now thanks to a quick toke. I don’t feel angry or frustrated. I feel content. Most importantly, I feel in charge.

So I’m going to get ready for game. Have a good night blog.

Ragequit

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Well I had a bit of a “lost my shit” moment this afternoon, as one after the other disappointing thing happened at work. I basically work with people who put forth the bare minimum effort in their occupations and nothing negative I point out ever fucking changes. I’m so tired of hoping the supervisors will do something and watching them ignore the things that make our workplace a fucking joke. And it’s a joke. I’m surprised we aren’t laughed at more often.

I got on the road and was insane. I cut people off, I was yelling through my window and I nearly rear-ended someone in my fury. Basically, frustration boiled over and I began to hate everyone and everything. Like right now, for example.

Part of me thinks this is still part of the marijuana withdrawal because that tends to make me grouchy. It’s been a week, so it’s kinda late in the game for that to be the case… but I never flip out like this. I’m usually calm and logical, not exploding with anger. My emotions have become significantly more volatile since stopping the weed.

Trouble is, there’s nothing I can do about it without surrendering my standards. I set my goal for the first Friday of next month as to when I would start smoking under new guidelines… but here I am only a week out and I’m suffering. This is just something I’m going to have to push through. I guess.

I’m pissed at everything right now. The world is so fucking stupid it blows my mind. There’s nothing I can do to change any of the bullshit things that happen every day in my life. I just stand up, get socked in the face, and get back up again ready for another. Isn’t life fucking great?

I’m supposed to play D & D tonight but I’m furious. I don’t feel like playing a game I feel like killing someone with my bare hands. I want to choke the life out of some of these worthless fucks at my workplace, then crush their faces in to the floor with my foot. Fuck every single one of those motherfuckers.

God damnit this is fucking stupid. Why do I even bother trying? No one cares. No one gives a shit. I’m all alone out here with everyone in the world with their backs turned to me. Pretending I’m not here. Who gives a fuck what I say?

Goodbye.

Drained

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Boy, do I feel tired today. We are just over half way to freedom and my tank is empty. I can hardly think straight. My uncle wanted me to have a beer with him and the family tonight but I didn’t know how to tell him how crappy I felt. I’m down there dripping off the kegerator and I’m literally not sure how I’m going to make it home. I’ve been having more temperature regulation problems today too. At this exact moment, with more than 4 hours of daylight life in the day, I’m hiding in bed. I may not stay here, but I definitely needed to come here for a while. 

I have two more days to go. Looks like D & D is off this week. Boo. My Friday will be spent down at the beach house, which I am really looking forward to. That is, if I recover enough strength to make that happen. I think I will. I have been busting my ass for about three weeks straight, and maybe today’s 17,000 plus steps pushed me over the threshold. I broken. 

I want to play a few games with Will tonight; it’s one of the few things in my life that consistently brings me happiness. I also want to listen to the game on the radio as my evening winds down. Win or lose, listening to the call of the game has always been one of my favorite summertime activities. The way they describe the situations, and the jargon of serious baseball veterans make it like being part of a secret club, or even deciphering encrypted transmissions. People who don’t know the game would interpret the call as gibberish. “What did he say? What does that mean?” I mean, I think baseball is fucking lame, corrupt and unfair. Don’t misconstrue my enthusiasm for a blindness to the faults of this sport. However, the nostalgia and effect the call has on me are fundamentally undeniable.  I can both hate and love baseball without picking a side. 

So maybe tonight will be a lightly eventful evening. I’m hoping to hear back from Carly about when a good time to hang out again would be. Complete 180 from where my anxiety had me going earlier this week. She read my blog too! Even all than anxious ranting I was doing. Just goes to show you: anxiety isn’t often right. 

You know, I’m really being hard on myself keeping an eighth of weed in my nightstand drawer. I smell it every time I lay down here. Yet, it makes it no less likely that I will smoke some. In fact, my uncle offered me one today, and I turned him down. It was right there in front of me blog, and I said no. Graduation, bitches! Temptation is null and now it’s 100% on my schedule when things are going to happen. 

Eventful week ahead for me still, hopefully my tank gets above 1/4 before Friday gets here. 

Tumultuous

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Having a bad start to my day caused the remainder to be a struggle. Even though I worked from home, it was still very hard. Now that I’m near the end, I feel shaky and worn-down. I find myself gravitating towards bed, a haven of safety and comfort. I’m tired, and negative thoughts are floating around. 

I’m back on this point about not dating anyone. I think developing friendships is the best course for me, as I have stated. Needing to feel needed is a perplexing state: it diminishes individuality and triggers anxiety. Feeling needed is pretty powerful, but it can also be a negative addiction. 

My anxiety has really been flipping the fuck out here lately. It’s going to be a while before I can see my doctor and I need to find ways to cope in the meantime. Normally I’d be smoking marijuana to get away from the anxiety, but, we are all aware that this is not a permanent solution. The mental aspect of this thing I have secured, but the chemical side remains fuzzy. 

My friends and I have been getting back into online games in addition to the weekly D & D. Rekindling that fire has been rewarding and presents all sorts of options for socialization. Many good times ahead, I can see. I’m glad to have this back in my life, it has given me something to be happy about. 

Tonight I’m trying to stay up until around 8 or so. I remember when Carly was sad when I went to bed early. Now she doesn’t talk to me for long stretches of time… I kinda wish there was an ulterior motive. At least then I would know. Some people react to my herpes diagnosis with sadness and curiosity… others are fundamentally disgusted and distance themselves (it would seem). People respond to things in strange ways. At least, I’m pretty sure I have this situation read properly. My anxiety projects these negative realities and they feel quite convincing, regardless of whether they are true or not. Usually not. I’ll continue to go on cultivating friendships that matter, if I am indeed right about all this. The virus can prove to be a filter for finding the right sorts of people to surround myself with. 

I have had a tumultuous day, and I’m glad the end of it is fast approaching. Have a good night blog. 

Compromises

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Well I did go to work today… an hour and a half early. Sigh. By the time the start of my shift got close, I was barely keeping my eyes open. I gathered up my laptop and went home, realizing full well I didn’t have what I needed to function. I got back and slept another 2 hours before feeling alive. 

Working from home is often more productive than going to the office. I’m less distracted and more comfortable. I hammered out quite a bit of work today and I feel good about that. Tonight I’m going to get peaceful sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed. I’m ready to try again once my brain gets a good reset. 

These lonely weeknights are hard for me. I wish I had more people to talk to. I wish I didn’t always have to be the one who pokes. I guess this is the situation I’m in and I just need to come to terms with it. When I get lonely, I come here and vent my frustrations. It’s a good feeling to express, with or without acknowledgement. 

I need to try to stay awake for as long as possible before going to bed. No early bedtime! My body feels not good. I’m shaky and having problems with temperature regulation. Starting the day off wrong has far-reaching consequences. Tonight will be better. 

Ugh

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Well fuck. It’s going to be one of those 47 hour days, and the clock has just barely started to tick. This sucks. However, maybe there is a good side in all of this… I just need a change of perspective.

This is a chance for me to still have the day I need to have but now under a profound level of duress. Am I up to the challenge of still having a functional day despite this hardship? I have things I must do, and they need to happen whether I’m exhausted or not. There is no staying home and there is no leaving work early; I need to face the challenges that are handed to me not run from them.

I might be being a bit hard on myself, but It’s about time a new obstacle came my way. I love those Fitbit challenges because they aren’t easy. I like to be challenged as this is a great way to grow and learn. At least, in my opinion.

So, this may be a really unfortunate spot to be in, but it is nevertheless my lot and I must face it. Just like with anything in my life; I don’t run and hide from things. So I’m going to drink my 3:00 am coffee and wait patiently for a reasonable time to start my day. Ugh.

 

What The Fuck Time Is It? 

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Too early, that’s what. My head popped off the pillow at 11:30 pm yesterday and I have not been able to get back to sleep since. A most unfortunate development. 

Nevertheless, here I am, tired but not asleep. Insomnia is a very real threat now that I stopped smoking, as marijuana usually provided me with dreamless, uninterrupted sleep. Now I need to be prepared for days like today, and ready for the fallout. 

It’s going to be a struggle to get through, but I’m not copping out and calling in sick. I can push through. Exercise and lots of coffee should help swing the pendulum back in my direction, but will it be enough? 

In preparation for what lies ahead, I will be more patient and more diligent about my work as tired people make errors. Today is going to be an abnormally difficult day. 

I tried to go back to sleep just now. Nope. Feel tired, can’t sleep. It’s a really awful feeling. 3 hours is not enough. Clearly. 

I hope your day starts off on the right foot. 

First

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I’m back at work again blog and kinda glad. The weekend and all that unstructured time left my thoughts to their negative devices. However, I still faced a similar problem after work today. I had another block of time and only a few ways to occupy it. I am pleased to report that I did not cave in to temptation and did not even have the urge. What I did feel was resolve. I know what I need to do to get healthy and I’m not going to let addictive tendencies derail that. 

I have begun talking to Amanda again, and this has been rewarding. I’d like to be a meaningful friend in her life. I have no intentions other than to have someone to talk to who knows me. She was a big part of my life the last two plus years and I’d be a fool to discount that. The feelings I had for her are different than they were, but there is still real emotion there, and love I would say. Love in a context that is not how it used to be. I realize that this might be dangerous territory, but I am not concerned. I know in my heart what I want out of my life and I know what things will help me realize that. Just like Carly and I have professed to be “more than friends,” so too will a similar dynamic exist here. 

Things are happening in my world. I’m going to be an uncle soon. I’m will be headed out on long family vacations in the coming months. Tahoe in July, then Sacramento in August for my nephew’s arrival. I already bought him a unijammy (as I call them) because it’s the finest piece of baby apparel a budding man-cub can own. 

People are noticing how much weight I’ve lost. 22.8 pounds as of my last check in over the weekend. My work dress slacks don’t fit anymore… or at least, not without a belt. My wardrobe comes from a time where I weighed 285, about five years ago. I weigh 196.8 right now, the slimmest I have been since high school. How? Eating a minimal amount of food and exercising vigorously multiple times per day. I average 5 – 7 miles in my 8 hour shift. Or roughly 10,000 to 14,000 steps. I ingest significantly fewer calories than I take in, and the results are profound. Is it the most healthy way to go about it? No. Then again, my body has been used to eating 1 meal a day for the last 7 years. I’m acclimated. My metabolism is burning fat to fuel the fires and I continue to build muscle in my legs and increase my oxygen intake efficiency ( went from VO2 of 33.8 to 44 in two months). I think things are going perfectly right now. 

This week the motivation is solely on me. I have no step competition to rally to. I have no goal, other than to get a solid mile or more in every two hours and work up a heavy sweat. So what if I’m sweaty at work? Most of the people there are fat and lazy. I’m the only one determined to lose weight and look fit. It’s a litany of bad role models, junk food and beer bellies. Not my crowd, and boy do I stand out. 

Ultimately, I’m proud of where I am. I worked my ass off to get mentally healthy and now physically too. I’m not going to stop until I’m at my ideal weight, and stable in my mind. It’s up to me to hold the line and perpetuate my healthy behaviors. I believe in myself, and I know I can do this. I’m not smoking, I’m perpetuating good behaviors. 

Alone For Good

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It is my intention to not get into another relationship again, for multiple reasons: Primarily, I’m bipolar, and living with me is a verry difficult thing to do. My emotions can be erruptive, my moods swing rapidly and I’m not always stable. Also, I have herpes, and sexual contact with most people is now out of the question. I’m not going to infect anyone else, period. Finally, my personality is isolatory and I don’t function well in the demands of a relationship. 

I’m going to walk forward in this world for myself, and by myself. I live alone, I work in relative isolation, I have no need of the things that your typical person might. I will simply worry about myself and my ongoing, improving mental health. 

I’m making the best of my circumstance. I still feel lonely and sad, but this is expected. I am well aware that I’m going to feel withdrawal from companionship, because I have always tried so hard to have it. I attempted and failed to keep it on every occasion thus far, so I’m not going to put any effort into trying anymore. I can find the strength within myself to lead a functional and happy life. 

Another resolution on a day replete with them. I need things like this to make sense of the insanity in my head. This is all in an attempt to do what is best for my ongoing mental health. I’m not angry or bitter, I just think this is the best way for me to stay healthy. Have a good night blog. 

How Much?

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I’m debating with myself on how much time I need to be away from weed before I feel back in control. I hadn’t set a goal at this point, I just specified that I wasn’t going to do it. Now that I have put some thought into the question, I’m not clear on a timeframe. 

I think that if I can go for a month without it, I will have shown that my willpower is strong. After that, I would impose a schedule that must be adhered to. My initial thought was twice on weekdays, four times on weekends. Considering my previous level of use was 4-6 times on weekdays and more than 10 on weekends and off-days. The schedule has a twofold purpose: first to manage intake like any other med that I only use at certain points in the day, and to perpetuate a better reaction to the cannabis. The latter is based on tolerance. If I over use, the effect of an individual dose goes way down. If I abstain, I don’t build resistance to it as quickly. 

All of that is good to have thoughts on, but we are a long way from making it a reality. I need to prove to myself that I can stop and stay stopped for as long as I wish. I am in control, not weed. 

In the meantime, I have plenty to think about. Maybe this hiatus will provide me with some much needed clarity and resolve. Maybe it will be a struggle every day for as long as I choose to stay away from it. I don’t know what the outcome is. 

Freedom of expression might be the only thing keeping me sane right now. 

End

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I made it to the end of the day and I am glad for it. This weekend has been the most conflicted and most emotionally taxing one I’ve had in distant memory. It was a constant battle to resist my urges and stay true to my goal. Now at the conclusion, I am well-fed and at peace, ready to pass some time before going to bed. 

Do you ever get that feeling like all you want to do is get in bed and hide? I’ve had that feeling since 7 am. I knew that there was an appropriate time to acknowledge that, but it wasn’t until just now. Yet another thing I had to hold myself back from. 

Tomorrow I go back to work, and the schedule aught to help me stay focused. It’s the long stretches of unstructured time that I struggle with. Tonight, all I have left to do is relax and enter a peaceful sleep. My fit bit tells me I’m getting a whole lot more R.E.M. sleep than when I was smoking, hence the dream I had earlier. That’s really the one potential snag in this equation: nightmares. I could be ruined tomorrow if I have a terrible nightmare. My very first dream in months last night was a nightmare. Not a great sign. Nightmares alter my neurochemistry which has an immediate impact on my life. Not something most of you have to worry about. 

I got a chance to chat with friends today. Played some games. Did chores, and kept myself distracted. I’m proud of myself for not caving in. I never even opened the drawer. 

I hope the rest of your Sunday goes well. 

Stillness

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

I know I said I was resolved but there is still conflict even as I look back on the weekend. I’ve been up since 2 and today feels like it should be over even though it isn’t. 

I’m making some food right now. Getting dinner ready. I still don’t feel good in my body. The beer was a nice distraction but three of them is about all I can take. 

I’m fully aware of the folly of going to bed too early, but I am fucking BEAT. I’ve not been this tired at 3:30 since I went on a full day fishing trip to Mexico. I have been at constant war with myself over what I should be doing with my time. I have held the line despite nagging insistence. 

I think the week will be easier. I’ll be at work most of the time and distracted. Then I only have to occupy myself for a few hours before bed. I still have three beers if worse comes to worse. 

There are plenty of things around to be preoccupied by. I have friends, games, things to read, house stuff to do… the list goes on. 

I write because I am alone. There is no one here to process this stuff with. So I take out my struggles on you blog. This is what you are here for. You are one of my coping tools. Without you, my thoughts would be in my head driving me bat shit crazy. They would never be heard or realized. My blog is a place to openly process and work through my mental health symptoms. I have a therapist but she costs too much to see regularly. And she doesn’t give the sort of thing I need right now. I don’t want to work the problem I want to express the problem. Big difference. 

The hours are rolling by. I’m genuinely tired in body and mind. Blog, I’m doing my best to cope but it is a struggle. I want to curl up in my safe place and disappear into a pleasant dream. Tomorrow will be a better day. 

Resolution

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

This weekend you have seen me through trials and self-imposed tests, and I am pleased to relay that I am more resolved than ever. I passed through the gauntlet to resist my primal urges and I feel now as though I have fundamentally succeeded. I am now beyond the point of feeling the compulsion to smoke weed and on to a state where it is not present in my mind.

I have thoroughly preoccupied myself today and I am very pleased with the end result. I feel fine, calm, peaceful and ready to call it a day and go at my work week bright and early tomorrow.

For a while there I honestly anticipated having to make excuses for why I caved in, why I justified smoking as some sort of necessary measure. Thinking about having to mask my shame in false logic was sickening. I am a better person than that. I am past the withdrawal stage and now I am beginning to see things clearly. I have become resolved in my path, and I feel great about it as I head into the evening.

You have been here through my struggles and reconsiderations. You never once judged me and criticized me for my predicament. I expressed, and you patiently observed. This is the sort of relationship I can benefit from. Blog, you have been great, and all the readers out there with their sympathy has not gone unnoticed.

I have moved beyond the painful need and on to the time after: still, calm and considered. I go forward holding true to my goal of not indulging, and perpetuating healthy behavior into the future. One day I will come back to it, once my willpower is strong enough to hold to a schedule and not deviate from it. I have some time before that day, and I intend to go on strengthening myself against temptation and admiring the accomplishments I have already achieved.

This is the last post of my weekend of withdrawal, and I am glad the hours of daylight are running out. I long for peaceful sleep and a new day tomorrow.

Unencumbered?

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Well blog it’s my last weekend day and I’m almost glad it is. This brief holiday without my substance to abuse has been a brutal challenge. I struggled with feelings of anxiety and depression throughout the day yesterday, and on into this morning. I am now not sleeping regularly and feeling constantly anxious in my body. As I write to you, my mind is preoccupied with the words I am formulating and this has brought me some relief. I realize, however, that when I stop and the brain goes idle again, the feelings will return and pester me further. Either I am constantly distracted or I am suffering, with no middle ground to speak of.

So I am taking steps to occupy myself with things that don’t remind me that I’d rather be doing said things stoned. Actually, I did play a game of Edain earlier and I did not have a bad time just because I wasn’t baked. It is still fun and immersive regardless of heightened mental state. I am resolved blog. I’m feeling like today is going to be a turning point.

How so? Simply that I am moving ahead with my life and not smoking weed. I’m not going to waste my time pining when I should be concentrating on my life right now. There are all sorts of cool things going on in my world, why should not having weed take away from that? To me, this is becoming a logical argument: what is the purpose of living for the future if you are constantly mired by memories and recollections of the past? My life is advancing on without cannabis and I need to be okay with that. I feel that this “forward-facing” philosophy makes a lot of sense to my brain.

Logic can’t defeat symptoms. I can cope with the symptoms by practicing many of my calming techniques that I would employ in a situation such as an anxiety attack. While my situation is not so severe, it is still very distracting and irritating. Today I will make sure my brain is busy, and in moments of calm, find my center with some meditation. Deep, relaxing breathing is a sure way to ease the fury of anxiety, and calm my boiling blood. If I can’t sustain distraction, I can still achieve peace.

Obviously I can go say these things but the actual execution of this idea is another matter entirely. I’m usually pretty good about living up to promises like this, and I don’t intend on being a disappointment right now. I will give this a shot and let you know how it goes. I feel like I’ve been up for many hours… OOOOHHHH, that’s right! I have been… since fucking 2. Sigh.

Dreaming Again

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

If there is as aspect to regular marijuana use That I have become somewhat dependent on, it is dream suppression. Why would that be a good thing you ask? Most people enjoy dreaming for the most part, but I am consistently tortured by it. 

Tonight I had dreams, and was eaten by a dragon, which may not seem like a big deal until you appreciate just how vivid and horrific that experience really was. Fictional? Yes. Terrifying? Also yes. This is but a brief glimpse into what my dreams are usually like. 

So I know I’m still doing the right thing in quitting, but I don’t much like all these side effects. Most of you have no problems dreaming and marking them as irrelevant, but my dreams can ruin my next day, spin me into depression or anxiety and generally haunt me throughout. I do not like dreaming, it is a liability. 

So as I forge ahead with my self-imposed sobriety, I now must accept that I will dream, and chances are, it won’t be much fun. 

Well…

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

Blog, today has been a hard day. I toiled with my thoughts for hours and never gave any ground. I am prematurely exhausted now, and reconciled to a comfy place between my sheets. I know it’s early, but I’ve already gotten in a full day’s worth of thinking and resisting. I’m no longer interested in doing anything more with my time. 

Tomorrow I am hoping that my THC withdrawawl symptoms will have passed. Maybe a lot of what I perceive as physical anxiety is also attributable to my going cold turkey. This will be hard but only for a short time. Eventually I will be beyond it and in to much happier days. 

I told myself that I would need to pull out all the coping mechanisms today and several blog posts later, here we are. I think I did a pretty good job. I didn’t fail. 

Have a good night everyone. 

Turning

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I’m not feeling very good. This whole debate is wearing me down and sapping my thought-energy. I’m finding it difficult to focus on anything and I generally feel uncomfortable in my skin. This is an all-out anxiety rebellion and my body is the battlefield.

Even though I feel like Kentucky fried shit right now, I think I have become resolved mentally. I know what I’m not going to do, and now trying to figure out ways to cope with the here and now. I am tempted to run into bed and hide there which I know would be the least productive thing I could do (and also boring). Instead of hiding, I’m going to continue to walk forward through my day and cope with the feelings and symptoms I am having. I intend to talk to my psychiatrist about raising my buspar because I can’t go on feeling these physical symptoms all the time; which are not something I can think my way out of.

Today I struggled mightily, but never gave in to temptation and did not take the easy way out. I stood my ground and faced my anxiety regardless of how miserable it had me feeling. I proved something to myself this afternoon: I am not weak and I will not let my disorder own me. Even though I feel like crap and my mind is a scrambled mess, I am still not taking the easy way out and I WILL learn to cope with my physical anxiety symptoms without drugs.

This afternoon I intend to spend some time meditating and recreating with friends online. There are other ways I can cope with my symptoms like reading, or blogging, as the case may have it. Depending on how I do with my coping, you may or may not hear back from me. The writing has helped, but I still feel like shit and I imagine I will until (possibly) tomorrow. Reset button of restful sleep could be just the thing I need to get past today’s muck and on to a sunnier Sunday.

Farewell, for now.

The Debate Continues…

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Well, it’s been a short while since my last post and I have channeled some of my anxiety into a multitude of housework tasks. I now have a clean bathroom and kitchen, and my laundry is nearly done. My quandary remains that in those moments where I’m not actively doing something, I am beset by negative emotions and anxiety. I am continuing to process these feelings as they come up.

Right now, I feel like I want to have fun. By that, I mean get stoned and play some Edain. This is what I would typically be doing on a Saturday afternoon. I tried playing a while ago, and I just started to get frustrated. The AI’s standard behavior that I have had no problem with until now was suddenly quite irritating and made me angry.

Now I see that I am irritable because I haven’t smoked weed in a few days and my anger is quick to rise as is often the case during withdrawal. I’m experiencing the neurochemical side-effects of not having an insanely high amount of THC in my body as I had the previous stack of months before this moment. I know I’m going to be a fussy little bitch for a while and I need to be prepared for the feeling that will bring. I will be on a short-fuse and generally not a lot of fun to be around. I really, really hate this situation.

So, now I get to be bored, anxious, depressed AND angry all in one big fuck you tomato sandwich. Wonderful.

You know, this is really stupid. I’m torturing myself now as I wrestle with self-control, which seems like a dumb way to do things. If I was really trying to institute self control, I wouldn’t need to starve myself of my habits, but be responsible and moderate them like an adult might do. Instead I am confined to the penalty box waiting an unknown length of time to try that first thing I said. Why am I doing this to myself?

——

So, that’s what the argument to start doing weed again sounds like. Pretty rational, no? It seems like a good idea to go over to my cache and plop a bud into my pipe and go for it. However, I still have this reflex to cure anxiety and depression with weed, and that is the thing I am trying to change. It’s not about moderation, it’s about intent. My intention is to drown my sorrows with a substance, and that is not a healthy behavior regardless of the angle you take at it. What I need to prove to myself is that I can cope with these feelings and NOT lean on weed to make me feel better. Yeah I’m going to be irritable, but that will go away after a day or so. My purpose remains to model my life around positive patterns of healthy behavior, and that is why I have stopped. I will continue the hiatus until I am 100% comfortable being by myself with my feelings. I must learn to cope in a functional way before traveling back down the road of recreational marijuana use.

As always, this blog is my place to vent and process my feelings. I hope the deliberations of my mind provide you with some clarity on your own struggle, and the introspective process that reveals the truth about our most inner self. I’m fighting every minute today, and writing out that struggle here has helped quite significantly.

Only an Hour Later…

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Well blog I am still struggling with this feeling. I’m here doing laundry and cleaning my apartment but I really want to go back to the old pattern of behavior that was more fun and less sober. It’s lonely here. No one is talking to me on my phone, my gaming buddies are still asleep, and not even music seems like it would lift the din.

I’m not sure what to do. I am struggling to stay true to my plan of withdrawal, but the pressure to deviate is mounting. There are even logical arguments being made on either side of the issue. It’s a conflict I am very actively living, and not fully able to comprehend. I need perspective, which I can’t get by myself. This leaves me with little option but to find a way to resolve the conflict within myself without assistance from the outside world.

I know what the right thing to do is, but that standard has been called into question and argued against all morning. Is this going to get any easier? probably not, until I devise a way of coping that is not detrimental to my mental health. I’m going to have to be patient, and resolved… two qualities that are not very “me.”

The struggle is real. I am doing the only thing I can think to in expressing my turmoil here on this blog. This is my venting place, after all. I come here to cope with the symptoms of my mental illness and today is no different. I really hope I do not fail right now. I am trying so hard to set a good example, and live up to my promises. I told myself I was going to stop, and that’s what I’m going to do. No matter how irritating the boredom becomes, or how agitated and anxious I feel, I will not go back right now. I WILL NOT.

It’s easy to type these things out and look at them from afar. It’s another matter entirely to live the words as the truth of reality. The execution step has already been taken, now I need to sustain. I have not gone back yet, and resisted temptation on multiple occasions. I can do this.

I’m teetering, but holding firm to the proper side of the situation. I have little doubt that I will be back here with some regularity as the hours of silence and loneliness go by, and my remedy sits unused in my drawer.

The Bored and the Bud

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I used to just go smoke a bowl when I felt this way, and I realize that was not the proper way to do things. I wasn’t actually coping with anything I was feeling, only covering it over with a new, enjoyable sensation. So now, as I sit here in the present moment, I am drawn to the urge to smoke and feel good. It is very hard to resist, because I know it will help calm me down and make playing Edain all the more fun. My mind considers this, and accurately points to it as negative because it is not a thought-driven process to resolve the feelings of boredom. In my heart I know I need to settle down and face the bored head on, and address it. I need to be here in this moment and not be overwhelmed by the desire to retreat into a good feeling, but rather, mature to a place where I can find tranquility instead of anxiety.

Much harder to do than it sounds, especially when I have been using as heavily as I have for the past several months, possibly longer. I stopped on a dime, which is not a problem as long as I don’t collapse under the pressure to go back. I am here, and my mind is made up to be sober for an extended period, in a measure of weeks not days. I want to let the fog clear and look at the world fresh again and notice things I had been too blind and inebriated to see.

Maybe I’m being overly dramatic about all of this. It wasn’t hard to stop. It’s not “too hard” to stay stopped, but I am having plenty of thoughts about it all as I go along this road. I really do like it, but in my rational mind I can draw the line between what is helpful and what is not. Maybe weed can come back into my life at some point in the future under far more regulated circumstances. I have tried and failed to accomplish moderation in the past, which leads me to wonder if maybe that means I can’t bring it back at all. Maybe I can’t control myself?

On the contrary, I have plenty of weed sitting in my nightstand eagerly waiting to be smoked, but I’m not going to. To have it here is a huge test of my willpower. I have been previously unable to control my urges in the past, and I am testing myself again here and now. Can I hold the line?

I honestly believe that I can and will, and in the event that I do bring it back, it will be under the auspice of controlled, measured use at reasonable intervals. Over-indulgence is just as much fun as not using at all, which is the quandary I have oft found myself in. This time, I know things will be different. I believe in that.

The bored will not get the best of me!

One

by in Creative Writing and tagged , , , , , ,

Silhouetted in red sunset,

The dance of electric air.

Thin fingers softly,

Caress of her deep eyes,

The shattered, whispered smile.

Vagrant delight like tower bells–

Held in memory.

Too alive to be real,

Lost like a shout into a gale. 

Faded memory is all but gone. 

Dreams forgotten by the light of dawn. 

Uncertainties 

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

I know what I have to do. The trouble is, can I conjure the strength to do it? 

Do you doubt yourself? Sometimes I don’t see myself in a very flattering light, often emphasizing my failures and missteps. The tape of my ineptitude plays over and over in my mind. Have I done enough? Is this what my life is going to be like? 

Am I going to be stable long enough to find happiness? I used to think I could, but now I am starting to wonder. My mental health is constantly changing and I know deterioation is ever-present. Am I eroding faster than I am building? 

Sometime I feel like I’m going to inevitably fail and dash my life into bits like glass against concrete. I have little grounding me into participation that isn’t self imposed. Will I ever be a man I can truly be proud of? Am I someone I would admire? 

Obviously this diatribe of rhetorical questions has a purpose and that is to highlight the precarious frailty of my world and the many challenges I face to stability and strength. I am no more clear on my fate than before, and mired by hesitation. 

I want my life to be regular, prosperous and liberating. I am a long, long way from achieving that goal. Tonight I am stuck, knee deep in the muck of my anxiety and uncertainty. I don’t know what to expect. All I have been able to do so far is react. 

I hope your night finds you in better spirits than mine. Enjoy your Friday while I hide here in my sheets and hope for a better tomorrow. 

Resolve

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

I had a bit of a relapse into relationship mode today and struggled through the afternoon with it. I made an account on a dating site and emailed some girls. While all this was going on, I was trying to look inward, but I kept making excuses why it was okay “just to look for friends.” How that if it led to something else that was okay. 

I got home and deleted my dating site account, and then promptly had a panic attack. It felt like my lungs were on fire and my heart was slamming against my ribcage. I just sat here in my bed and let it wash over me. I gave up trying to stop it. I found then, once it had gone by, that I was left feeling better than before. I had been trying to argue with my anxiety when what I needed was to hear it. It was just telling me that I was afraid for my future, and scared that we don’t know what lies ahead. In order for the feeling to stop, I had to clear my mind and let it do what it wanted. That seemed to have worked. 

I write to you still in bed where I had the panic attack but feeling markedly calm. I know there is uncertainty, and that’s unfortunate. What I can control is who I am and the kind of life I plan to lead. I need to remind myself to be strong, and continue forward despite uncertainty. 

Plan of Action

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

With each passing day, it has become more apparent to me how I must forge ahead with my life alone. Ultimately, I am the only person I can depend on and I should carry myself proudly knowing that. I have a lot going for me and I can build confidence on that fact. The trouble is that, instinctually, I gravitate towards companionship more than isolation. I have always been a little extroverted, and I do enjoy socializing… not much of that going on when I am in my apartment by myself. This process represents a wholesale attitude change on my part, as I learn to embrace my solitude and become stronger as an individual.
The journey is not easy by any stretch, and in this area I have struggled mightily in the past. In recent memory, my isolation led to unquenchable loneliness, which resulted in me braking down and trying to date again. However, now at least because of my diagnosis, the relationship option seems a lot less feasible than it did in the past. My current configuration is more likely to drive away potential partners than attract them. So, by default, I should be more confident in my path because there really is no other option for me. I will not be investing in a future that is rife with conflict and frustration when I could live peacefully and happily on my own.

The real question is, can I do that? I am somewhat confident that I can, given how dramatically my attitude towards this situation has changed in the last few months. I have a newfound sense of clarity on this issue, and I have detached myself from concern over myriad hurdles that may have inhibited my progress in the past. I know that if I stay true to my positive attitude and my belief in myself. Finding the strength to plow forward despite that yearning for companionship will be difficult, but I believe this is a challenge I am more than capable of facing.

I encourage you out there who struggle with finding meaning the same way I do, to look inward and get to know yourself. I am still learning things about my feelings, my responses, my arbitrary thoughts and anxieties. This process of living introspection has helped me significantly, and I hope it could do the same for others. I wish you luck on your journey, whatever that looks like for you.

# 1,281

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

This blog has helped me through some seriously tough times, and has seen me quite happy as well. All those ups and downs have taken a toll on me, and it also has me thinking about stability. I’m here with you tonight neither up nor down. I feel like I’m missing something. It’s hard to explain. My thoughts are not together right now. Those last few sentences are a microcosm of my current state. 

As you know, I have added exercise to my life, and this has thrown me into a bit of turmoil. I have good weeks, and down weeks. Some days I feel revitalized, others, like I just crawled out of a public toilet. I eat good food for the most part, and I just can’t get balanced. I want to push forward my goal of going back to my education, but I doubt I could handle it if I had to do it now. If I can’t be balanced with one new thing added, how can I handle two? 

I’m going to plow ahead until I do find balance with exercise in my life. This is my current goal. Eventually I will be ready to add more. I’m in a transitional time where I am still figuring out who I want to be. 

I’m both confident in myself but scared because there is so much that remains unclear. I’ve never done this before. I’m afraid I might fail again.