With each passing day, it has become more apparent to me how I must forge ahead with my life alone. Ultimately, I am the only person I can depend on and I should carry myself proudly knowing that. I have a lot going for me and I can build confidence on that fact. The trouble is that, instinctually, I gravitate towards companionship more than isolation. I have always been a little extroverted, and I do enjoy socializing… not much of that going on when I am in my apartment by myself. This process represents a wholesale attitude change on my part, as I learn to embrace my solitude and become stronger as an individual.
The journey is not easy by any stretch, and in this area I have struggled mightily in the past. In recent memory, my isolation led to unquenchable loneliness, which resulted in me braking down and trying to date again. However, now at least because of my diagnosis, the relationship option seems a lot less feasible than it did in the past. My current configuration is more likely to drive away potential partners than attract them. So, by default, I should be more confident in my path because there really is no other option for me. I will not be investing in a future that is rife with conflict and frustration when I could live peacefully and happily on my own.
The real question is, can I do that? I am somewhat confident that I can, given how dramatically my attitude towards this situation has changed in the last few months. I have a newfound sense of clarity on this issue, and I have detached myself from concern over myriad hurdles that may have inhibited my progress in the past. I know that if I stay true to my positive attitude and my belief in myself. Finding the strength to plow forward despite that yearning for companionship will be difficult, but I believe this is a challenge I am more than capable of facing.
I encourage you out there who struggle with finding meaning the same way I do, to look inward and get to know yourself. I am still learning things about my feelings, my responses, my arbitrary thoughts and anxieties. This process of living introspection has helped me significantly, and I hope it could do the same for others. I wish you luck on your journey, whatever that looks like for you.