I had a bit of a relapse into relationship mode today and struggled through the afternoon with it. I made an account on a dating site and emailed some girls. While all this was going on, I was trying to look inward, but I kept making excuses why it was okay “just to look for friends.” How that if it led to something else that was okay. 

I got home and deleted my dating site account, and then promptly had a panic attack. It felt like my lungs were on fire and my heart was slamming against my ribcage. I just sat here in my bed and let it wash over me. I gave up trying to stop it. I found then, once it had gone by, that I was left feeling better than before. I had been trying to argue with my anxiety when what I needed was to hear it. It was just telling me that I was afraid for my future, and scared that we don’t know what lies ahead. In order for the feeling to stop, I had to clear my mind and let it do what it wanted. That seemed to have worked. 

I write to you still in bed where I had the panic attack but feeling markedly calm. I know there is uncertainty, and that’s unfortunate. What I can control is who I am and the kind of life I plan to lead. I need to remind myself to be strong, and continue forward despite uncertainty. 

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