I know what I have to do. The trouble is, can I conjure the strength to do it?
Do you doubt yourself? Sometimes I don’t see myself in a very flattering light, often emphasizing my failures and missteps. The tape of my ineptitude plays over and over in my mind. Have I done enough? Is this what my life is going to be like?
Am I going to be stable long enough to find happiness? I used to think I could, but now I am starting to wonder. My mental health is constantly changing and I know deterioation is ever-present. Am I eroding faster than I am building?
Sometime I feel like I’m going to inevitably fail and dash my life into bits like glass against concrete. I have little grounding me into participation that isn’t self imposed. Will I ever be a man I can truly be proud of? Am I someone I would admire?
Obviously this diatribe of rhetorical questions has a purpose and that is to highlight the precarious frailty of my world and the many challenges I face to stability and strength. I am no more clear on my fate than before, and mired by hesitation.
I want my life to be regular, prosperous and liberating. I am a long, long way from achieving that goal. Tonight I am stuck, knee deep in the muck of my anxiety and uncertainty. I don’t know what to expect. All I have been able to do so far is react.
I hope your night finds you in better spirits than mine. Enjoy your Friday while I hide here in my sheets and hope for a better tomorrow.