Only an Hour Later…

Well blog I am still struggling with this feeling. I’m here doing laundry and cleaning my apartment but I really want to go back to the old pattern of behavior that was more fun and less sober. It’s lonely here. No one is talking to me on my phone, my gaming buddies are still asleep, and not even music seems like it would lift the din.

I’m not sure what to do. I am struggling to stay true to my plan of withdrawal, but the pressure to deviate is mounting. There are even logical arguments being made on either side of the issue. It’s a conflict I am very actively living, and not fully able to comprehend. I need perspective, which I can’t get by myself. This leaves me with little option but to find a way to resolve the conflict within myself without assistance from the outside world.

I know what the right thing to do is, but that standard has been called into question and argued against all morning. Is this going to get any easier? probably not, until I devise a way of coping that is not detrimental to my mental health. I’m going to have to be patient, and resolved… two qualities that are not very “me.”

The struggle is real. I am doing the only thing I can think to in expressing my turmoil here on this blog. This is my venting place, after all. I come here to cope with the symptoms of my mental illness and today is no different. I really hope I do not fail right now. I am trying so hard to set a good example, and live up to my promises. I told myself I was going to stop, and that’s what I’m going to do. No matter how irritating the boredom becomes, or how agitated and anxious I feel, I will not go back right now. I WILL NOT.

It’s easy to type these things out and look at them from afar. It’s another matter entirely to live the words as the truth of reality. The execution step has already been taken, now I need to sustain. I have not gone back yet, and resisted temptation on multiple occasions. I can do this.

I’m teetering, but holding firm to the proper side of the situation. I have little doubt that I will be back here with some regularity as the hours of silence and loneliness go by, and my remedy sits unused in my drawer.

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