I used to just go smoke a bowl when I felt this way, and I realize that was not the proper way to do things. I wasn’t actually coping with anything I was feeling, only covering it over with a new, enjoyable sensation. So now, as I sit here in the present moment, I am drawn to the urge to smoke and feel good. It is very hard to resist, because I know it will help calm me down and make playing Edain all the more fun. My mind considers this, and accurately points to it as negative because it is not a thought-driven process to resolve the feelings of boredom. In my heart I know I need to settle down and face the bored head on, and address it. I need to be here in this moment and not be overwhelmed by the desire to retreat into a good feeling, but rather, mature to a place where I can find tranquility instead of anxiety.
Much harder to do than it sounds, especially when I have been using as heavily as I have for the past several months, possibly longer. I stopped on a dime, which is not a problem as long as I don’t collapse under the pressure to go back. I am here, and my mind is made up to be sober for an extended period, in a measure of weeks not days. I want to let the fog clear and look at the world fresh again and notice things I had been too blind and inebriated to see.
Maybe I’m being overly dramatic about all of this. It wasn’t hard to stop. It’s not “too hard” to stay stopped, but I am having plenty of thoughts about it all as I go along this road. I really do like it, but in my rational mind I can draw the line between what is helpful and what is not. Maybe weed can come back into my life at some point in the future under far more regulated circumstances. I have tried and failed to accomplish moderation in the past, which leads me to wonder if maybe that means I can’t bring it back at all. Maybe I can’t control myself?
On the contrary, I have plenty of weed sitting in my nightstand eagerly waiting to be smoked, but I’m not going to. To have it here is a huge test of my willpower. I have been previously unable to control my urges in the past, and I am testing myself again here and now. Can I hold the line?
I honestly believe that I can and will, and in the event that I do bring it back, it will be under the auspice of controlled, measured use at reasonable intervals. Over-indulgence is just as much fun as not using at all, which is the quandary I have oft found myself in. This time, I know things will be different. I believe in that.
The bored will not get the best of me!