Well, it’s been a short while since my last post and I have channeled some of my anxiety into a multitude of housework tasks. I now have a clean bathroom and kitchen, and my laundry is nearly done. My quandary remains that in those moments where I’m not actively doing something, I am beset by negative emotions and anxiety. I am continuing to process these feelings as they come up.
Right now, I feel like I want to have fun. By that, I mean get stoned and play some Edain. This is what I would typically be doing on a Saturday afternoon. I tried playing a while ago, and I just started to get frustrated. The AI’s standard behavior that I have had no problem with until now was suddenly quite irritating and made me angry.
Now I see that I am irritable because I haven’t smoked weed in a few days and my anger is quick to rise as is often the case during withdrawal. I’m experiencing the neurochemical side-effects of not having an insanely high amount of THC in my body as I had the previous stack of months before this moment. I know I’m going to be a fussy little bitch for a while and I need to be prepared for the feeling that will bring. I will be on a short-fuse and generally not a lot of fun to be around. I really, really hate this situation.
So, now I get to be bored, anxious, depressed AND angry all in one big fuck you tomato sandwich. Wonderful.
You know, this is really stupid. I’m torturing myself now as I wrestle with self-control, which seems like a dumb way to do things. If I was really trying to institute self control, I wouldn’t need to starve myself of my habits, but be responsible and moderate them like an adult might do. Instead I am confined to the penalty box waiting an unknown length of time to try that first thing I said. Why am I doing this to myself?
So, that’s what the argument to start doing weed again sounds like. Pretty rational, no? It seems like a good idea to go over to my cache and plop a bud into my pipe and go for it. However, I still have this reflex to cure anxiety and depression with weed, and that is the thing I am trying to change. It’s not about moderation, it’s about intent. My intention is to drown my sorrows with a substance, and that is not a healthy behavior regardless of the angle you take at it. What I need to prove to myself is that I can cope with these feelings and NOT lean on weed to make me feel better. Yeah I’m going to be irritable, but that will go away after a day or so. My purpose remains to model my life around positive patterns of healthy behavior, and that is why I have stopped. I will continue the hiatus until I am 100% comfortable being by myself with my feelings. I must learn to cope in a functional way before traveling back down the road of recreational marijuana use.
As always, this blog is my place to vent and process my feelings. I hope the deliberations of my mind provide you with some clarity on your own struggle, and the introspective process that reveals the truth about our most inner self. I’m fighting every minute today, and writing out that struggle here has helped quite significantly.