Turning

I’m not feeling very good. This whole debate is wearing me down and sapping my thought-energy. I’m finding it difficult to focus on anything and I generally feel uncomfortable in my skin. This is an all-out anxiety rebellion and my body is the battlefield.

Even though I feel like Kentucky fried shit right now, I think I have become resolved mentally. I know what I’m not going to do, and now trying to figure out ways to cope with the here and now. I am tempted to run into bed and hide there which I know would be the least productive thing I could do (and also boring). Instead of hiding, I’m going to continue to walk forward through my day and cope with the feelings and symptoms I am having. I intend to talk to my psychiatrist about raising my buspar because I can’t go on feeling these physical symptoms all the time; which are not something I can think my way out of.

Today I struggled mightily, but never gave in to temptation and did not take the easy way out. I stood my ground and faced my anxiety regardless of how miserable it had me feeling. I proved something to myself this afternoon: I am not weak and I will not let my disorder own me. Even though I feel like crap and my mind is a scrambled mess, I am still not taking the easy way out and I WILL learn to cope with my physical anxiety symptoms without drugs.

This afternoon I intend to spend some time meditating and recreating with friends online. There are other ways I can cope with my symptoms like reading, or blogging, as the case may have it. Depending on how I do with my coping, you may or may not hear back from me. The writing has helped, but I still feel like shit and I imagine I will until (possibly) tomorrow. Reset button of restful sleep could be just the thing I need to get past today’s muck and on to a sunnier Sunday.

Farewell, for now.

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