Stillness

I know I said I was resolved but there is still conflict even as I look back on the weekend. I’ve been up since 2 and today feels like it should be over even though it isn’t. 

I’m making some food right now. Getting dinner ready. I still don’t feel good in my body. The beer was a nice distraction but three of them is about all I can take. 

I’m fully aware of the folly of going to bed too early, but I am fucking BEAT. I’ve not been this tired at 3:30 since I went on a full day fishing trip to Mexico. I have been at constant war with myself over what I should be doing with my time. I have held the line despite nagging insistence. 

I think the week will be easier. I’ll be at work most of the time and distracted. Then I only have to occupy myself for a few hours before bed. I still have three beers if worse comes to worse. 

There are plenty of things around to be preoccupied by. I have friends, games, things to read, house stuff to do… the list goes on. 

I write because I am alone. There is no one here to process this stuff with. So I take out my struggles on you blog. This is what you are here for. You are one of my coping tools. Without you, my thoughts would be in my head driving me bat shit crazy. They would never be heard or realized. My blog is a place to openly process and work through my mental health symptoms. I have a therapist but she costs too much to see regularly. And she doesn’t give the sort of thing I need right now. I don’t want to work the problem I want to express the problem. Big difference. 

The hours are rolling by. I’m genuinely tired in body and mind. Blog, I’m doing my best to cope but it is a struggle. I want to curl up in my safe place and disappear into a pleasant dream. Tomorrow will be a better day. 

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