Well blog it’s my last weekend day and I’m almost glad it is. This brief holiday without my substance to abuse has been a brutal challenge. I struggled with feelings of anxiety and depression throughout the day yesterday, and on into this morning. I am now not sleeping regularly and feeling constantly anxious in my body. As I write to you, my mind is preoccupied with the words I am formulating and this has brought me some relief. I realize, however, that when I stop and the brain goes idle again, the feelings will return and pester me further. Either I am constantly distracted or I am suffering, with no middle ground to speak of.
So I am taking steps to occupy myself with things that don’t remind me that I’d rather be doing said things stoned. Actually, I did play a game of Edain earlier and I did not have a bad time just because I wasn’t baked. It is still fun and immersive regardless of heightened mental state. I am resolved blog. I’m feeling like today is going to be a turning point.
How so? Simply that I am moving ahead with my life and not smoking weed. I’m not going to waste my time pining when I should be concentrating on my life right now. There are all sorts of cool things going on in my world, why should not having weed take away from that? To me, this is becoming a logical argument: what is the purpose of living for the future if you are constantly mired by memories and recollections of the past? My life is advancing on without cannabis and I need to be okay with that. I feel that this “forward-facing” philosophy makes a lot of sense to my brain.
Logic can’t defeat symptoms. I can cope with the symptoms by practicing many of my calming techniques that I would employ in a situation such as an anxiety attack. While my situation is not so severe, it is still very distracting and irritating. Today I will make sure my brain is busy, and in moments of calm, find my center with some meditation. Deep, relaxing breathing is a sure way to ease the fury of anxiety, and calm my boiling blood. If I can’t sustain distraction, I can still achieve peace.
Obviously I can go say these things but the actual execution of this idea is another matter entirely. I’m usually pretty good about living up to promises like this, and I don’t intend on being a disappointment right now. I will give this a shot and let you know how it goes. I feel like I’ve been up for many hours… OOOOHHHH, that’s right! I have been… since fucking 2. Sigh.