Tumultuous

Having a bad start to my day caused the remainder to be a struggle. Even though I worked from home, it was still very hard. Now that I’m near the end, I feel shaky and worn-down. I find myself gravitating towards bed, a haven of safety and comfort. I’m tired, and negative thoughts are floating around. 

I’m back on this point about not dating anyone. I think developing friendships is the best course for me, as I have stated. Needing to feel needed is a perplexing state: it diminishes individuality and triggers anxiety. Feeling needed is pretty powerful, but it can also be a negative addiction. 

My anxiety has really been flipping the fuck out here lately. It’s going to be a while before I can see my doctor and I need to find ways to cope in the meantime. Normally I’d be smoking marijuana to get away from the anxiety, but, we are all aware that this is not a permanent solution. The mental aspect of this thing I have secured, but the chemical side remains fuzzy. 

My friends and I have been getting back into online games in addition to the weekly D & D. Rekindling that fire has been rewarding and presents all sorts of options for socialization. Many good times ahead, I can see. I’m glad to have this back in my life, it has given me something to be happy about. 

Tonight I’m trying to stay up until around 8 or so. I remember when Carly was sad when I went to bed early. Now she doesn’t talk to me for long stretches of time… I kinda wish there was an ulterior motive. At least then I would know. Some people react to my herpes diagnosis with sadness and curiosity… others are fundamentally disgusted and distance themselves (it would seem). People respond to things in strange ways. At least, I’m pretty sure I have this situation read properly. My anxiety projects these negative realities and they feel quite convincing, regardless of whether they are true or not. Usually not. I’ll continue to go on cultivating friendships that matter, if I am indeed right about all this. The virus can prove to be a filter for finding the right sorts of people to surround myself with. 

I have had a tumultuous day, and I’m glad the end of it is fast approaching. Have a good night blog. 

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