Well blog, I’m on a long holiday with my family in South Lake Tahoe. It was a break I sorely needed as the monotony of the sequence had become overwhelming. I’m glad to have this time off, and I will make good use of it. Bonding with family is critical when presented with the opportunity. My hope is to continue to be there when called for and respond with alacrity.
It came to my attention that a friend from my past saw and commented on a post I made a while ago in reference to an anxiety driven paranoid speculation I turned into a post. I don’t blame you for being upset Ian, but remember, I’m pretty much insane, so take it or leave it. I have no intent of causing harm, I’m just really lost in my anxiety and speculations can quickly become my reality. It’s a terrible curse, and it has caused me no end of trouble at almost all my workplaces.
The fact remains that my primary objective is to find stability and strength again. I have clearly experienced setbacks along the way, but my course remains the same. This blog serves as an emotional canvas by which the story of my struggle is told. It reveals all the ugly truths and the odious lies of my inmost thoughts. I don’t hide that shit from you. I let you see the whole crazy. I make sure to check in when I most experience symptoms so we have a benchmark for certain behaviors and feelings. This is not only about documentation, it’s about observation and reaction. I look back over all the crazy shit I write and gather a better understanding of the pattern of my behavior. My anxiety continues to skyrocket as the months go by, and this has contributed (in large part) to my insane rants. If any of that puts things into perspective Ian you’d understand where I was when I wrote that post, opposed to where I am now. Hopefully logic prevails.
In the meantime, im spending the next several days with my family in lovely South Lake Tahoe. There will be many activities, drugs and good eats. Precisely the thing I needed. It is a much needed break, as I have stated.
I’m thinking of taking up the daily emotional health score, but also making it more elaborate. Not only will my score render an emotional health score, but also a physical energy score which will be calculated on weariness, lack of motivation, abandonment of hygiene, slowness or stiffness and general inability to go. I will still render each on the +/- 10 scale as this most appropriately narrates the nature of bipolar disorder. The more accurately I report the better chance I have of charting issues before they become problems. This whole thing is about self improvement. Hopefully I can continue to do that.
Have a good night blog, I’m all partied out.