#1333

I’m capping off a good evening by myself with a little mental health check in.

Emotionally, I’m very stable and consistently happy. Ever since I moved in with my parents, I have been doing much better in terms of my mood being more up than down. I do have moments of lethargy and anxiety, but I find that I remain confident. I know I’m continually adding more to my schedule, not stagnating. I’m turning the volume up slowly, patiently. As my new career path begins to unfold. My emotions have been good, and steady.

Anxiety has been a bit of a challenge, and has made going out a little harder. I find that because my dad is handicapped, his need to go out and do things is more important than my anxiety about not going. I know he needs my help and I will always be there for him. So I kind of have a cheap escape from a lot of the agoraphobia in my righteous task. Its empowering to be a caregiver, and be so integral to the success of the mission.

That is the actual number of total posts on my blog: 1,333 including this one. Most of those posts are complete bullshit crap festival. Some of it is processing, but oh my the venting. I’ve done more yelling at this blog than any person in my whole life. If you could run away blog, I bet you would have by now.

I have gone through a lot of “learning,” or stepping on an explosive and being blasted through the air like a floppy rag doll. Lessons are hard earned, but I have the trauma to prove I’ve gained something from it all. The fact that I can come out and share my story is a part of why I am having success with coping. Everyone should share and draw the venom from the wound. We spend so much time burying things we don’t want to deal with when the truth is coping, exposing, understanding. This is what I have come to see clearly.

I hope tonight finds you being introspective, and looking inward for truth and meaning. We are so frivolous sometimes. We take our stability for granted, and are ill prepared when it is ripped away. I don’t sit around calculating contingencies or anything, but instead, I have loosened my grip on the reins. I don’t want to try to control things outside myself anymore. I have a hard enough time handling my own monkey fuck zoo. To manage anything outside of that has proven itself to be impossible.

So I isolate myself from partnership and pursue good mental health for the remainder of my eroded life. I’ve fucked up pretty bad, but now I have a real shot to change something that matters. This brings me a new level of profound worth that is stronger and more meaningful than any accomplishment I have yet achieved. To save someone from darkness. To offer that hand right before they slide over the edge. I want to help now. I don’t want to go on a slave to the machine. Even after my parents are gone and my resources are all used up, I will still work for the poorest and most disadvantaged. I have nothing of worth in this world but the life I have lived and the memories I can make with others to help inspire happiness in their lives. Hopefully more people in this world will think of me as a good man than as a complete fuck up.

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