Learn By Eating Shit

Hello there bloggy place. I was thinking about my run-ins with relationships, as I still have a lot of feelings attached to this aspect of my adult past. It is not an area I have totally abandoned, but my military occupational presence there has been reduced to a bare minimum. I have fought many battles while suffering horrifying sums of casualties in this war. I have the scarred landscape to prove it, along with a turbulent past whose narrative is saddening. I have always had this deluded and incomplete idea for what it means to be with someone, which perpetuated an unrealistic reality. Was I a great communicator, friend or listener? I feel like I blew a lot of my own people up in the process of being defeated because I didn’t have the right state of mind to understand the nature of the dilemma. Love that is built on a foundation which starts with self-acceptance. I don’t even pretend to have fully grasped the concept, hence my current independent status.

I feel love in my heart still, old fondness for things that are long gone. Faces I once knew. You know how those things just sort of flutter back? I’ll be thinking idly here in my space and then I will think of her. I’ll remember something I had forgotten. This is an interesting problem for me, because I tend to have a variety of responses to these feelings coming back into my active mind. I often am triggered by music, but regardless, I have ways of spinning these potentially troublesome moments into something positive. I often feel the ache of the hurt associated with my exes, but then I think too of how they had each taught me something about myself and how beautiful they were.

I have been vocal about my downfall, which is part of the process of healing. For me, there is only one way out of the dark place, and that is the light of the truth. There is no escape with a self-gratifying delusion. There will be no light without acceptance, and recognition. I could never have come to realize the things I have about my personality and my flaws if I hadn’t come to accept just how badly I had fucked up. When things go wrong, the investigators are called in to figure out how the thing got fucked up and what made it break. Then we study, and learn EVERYTHING there is to know about “why.” Embrace where your own people fucked up, or where something wicked was intentionally done to you. There’s only so much we can control, right? Everything on the inside of me I can do something about, since that’s my domain. Or, I can try to exert as much control over that are as is possible. However, things on the outside I can’t do shit about, and I accept that some bad things are going to happen. How I respond to that is the true test of my skills. If I can respond articulately, I might be able to diffuse. I have often failed miserably at this task. This is another of the things I still have to learn as I go through my life.

Even after all the pain, there is still love. For me, that is beautiful, in a way. Each of them has a part of me that is only theirs, and always will be. It was a wonderful thing, when it was good and the love was strong. It was a thing that had a life of its own and grew between us, and with our love for each other we helped it thrive. The act is wonderful, and I feel very fulfilled having made beautiful memories in my life. I can go forward with enough goodness in me to last the rest of my days. I have those thoughts to go back to and remember that there was a time when being with someone was wonderful. There is also the lesson of failure there, which is why remembering is harmless versus reproduction. I don’t wish to re-create new memories of love, but only revisit the times that there was love. Though, I find I am, more or less, responding to these feelings of loneliness since declaring my independence. Knowing the path I have chosen is one I will probably walk alone has been humbling, but also invigorating and empowering. I have such confidence in my strength to be able to call back upon emotionally heavy times and not sink or rise in any unhealthy way. A sign of progress to be sure.

I bring this stuff up mostly as a way to process my emotions as I move through my life. I have decided not to send any more energy into the aspect of my journey that hopes to bind itself to another. I have resigned to the fact that I might be alone, or I might find someone out there who is the right fit. I am not going to force anything, and divert my energy towards rebuilding myself. I want to be strong and independent again. I remember feeling like an empowered intellectual, and I had a radiance that drew people to me. I want to get back to that point, where I felt good about who I was. A charismatic ambiance I want to capture again. It’s out there somewhere, and I am looking to rise back to that point once more. Getting involved in the mental health community is a big step in helping me to establish worth as I build towards that glowy place.

Thanks for being a part of my thought vomit session. I feel a lot more relaxed and confident in my direction. I know a lot of mentally ill people who really want to be with someone, and that’s not the way for me, and it might not be for some of them either.

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