Scarred with ridges,
Scraps in the dust,
Resigned to emptiness,
Curled in the dark,
Scarred with ridges,
Scraps in the dust,
Resigned to emptiness,
Curled in the dark,
I guess the title refers to my own introspective process rather than something external. My thoughts have gone back to the past many times, especially to reflect on how I could have been a better listener and communicator. I had a lot to learn, but I think I’m significantly more skilled in this area then I ever have been. I have put my mind to being a better person, and it’s headed in the right direction.
The cleansing is one of my own scrutiny. I feel now that I have begun to absolve myself of guilt from my past. I have worn it like a burden for a long time, but now it is time to proceed ahead without the extra luggage.
Saying and doing are starkly different things. I have momentum on my side though as I scale back my indulgences/vices. Learning control is discipline, which helps build meta mind. I’m already pretty insightful but practice is essential to success. I intend to take positive steps and try to go up even when brought down.
I don’t know what’s coming, but all the pieces of a happy life are starting to congeal. I hope things continue to improve, and hopefully, sponsor more vital energy to fuel the me machine.
Snap the sharp crisp,
Brilliant bang blastings,
Crunkle crunch the twig twang
Burning bright, boastfully.
Roiling horde of yellow demons–
Shrivel, crack snapping twist
Puffing poof of failed dirt,
Cold, cluttery, carbonofied–
Powdered to filthy soot.
I have really let myself fall into a rut lately. With all my forward pushing, I’m still neglecting some of the basic things that will help keep me operational. I have been overeating and smoking pretty excessively, both of which need to be brought under the umbrella of discipline. I believe that both of these things require moderation to be of use, and when abused, can lead to downspiraling symptoms.
Fortunately, I have been nudged and am now nudging myself as well. I need to regain control of my physical self and become more responsible about my body.
You guys have heard me struggle with this type of thing before. Though, the marked difference this time is my lifestyle and professional choices lend themselves to a healthier way of living, to better represent myself as someone who has the skills and functionality to manage their own life. I have thus far failed to grasp that discipline fully, but I do feel closer than before. As my walking, exercise and activity increase, so to will my health improve. I wish I had back that exuberance I used to be so well known for, and perhaps its out there waiting for me as I emerge from the mire.
Today I go to work as a volunteer for mental health. This is the place I have longed to finally be at, and a reality I have helped to make for myself. I remain confident in my direction and purpose, but still feel the need for deep introspection during this time of escalating transition.
Through the last 6 years this blog has seen me transition through countless ups and downs. My illness has meteored my life with my assistance, and I have rebuilt it over and over again. The last time I got stable, I was proud of myself for being able to hold down a job for 40 hours a week and then rise to excellence while in it. They promoted me and increased my salary by more than 30% so I wasn’t wasting anyone’s time. I earned those accolades. Even in that most recent crumble to nothing there was hope, and a very obvious silver lining. I hadn’t given up on them, they had given up on me for being disabled and not worth their time to accommodate. I walked away from that knowing I could have given them so much more, if only they hadn’t been so fucking stupid and weren’t able to figure it out. In the end, a victory over idiocy and unfairness. I have created a new path for myself, one that I am abundantly proud to walk.
Here we go writing a new chapter.
Last night was great! I helped sell raffle tickets at our booth outside the Punch Line Comedy Club, as part of the NAMI fundraiser. They had some great comedy acts, but I could not stay until the end. You know you’re an old person when you’re scared to drive after 9:00 pm because “it’s dark,” “it’s past my bedtime” and “mischievous kids come out to hooligate.”
The real exciting shit is that I got a FULL WEEK of work now, with activities from M – F. My 10 hours are totally going to be done this week, and that final PSS certification will have been met. Speaking of classes, there is another one I’d like to take that NAMI Sacramento offers called Peer-to-Peer. They don’t have one scheduled yet, but they will and from what I hear, this sounds a lot like WRAP (which I could use a refresher in, for sure).
But did you hear that blog?
Monday: Going to NAMI Sac to man the warmline and help out around the office
Tuesday – Wednesday: Going to Sacramento River City College and meeting with reps and participating in an awareness fair
Thursday – Friday: NAMIWalks 2018 setup and event
Oh yeah, that looks like productivity, for sure. Feels like it too. I am very proud of myself blog for helping out and getting involved in my community, just like I said I would. Sometimes I can stress about things not happening as intended or as expected, but this moment of realization of fulfilled potential is worth the anxiety tax it took from me to get here.
I hope your week starts off as well as mine has! Oh, and Emelia contacted me though I fear there may be nothing there. I still feel very fondly towards her, but it doesn’t appear the same is true in her mind. I just hope for some form of friendship. I don’t have many people in my life who tried to get to know me well, but she was one of them. Even though she became infuriated with me, which is not totally surprising, I still wish she was in my life rather than out of it. She was wonderful for a time many years ago and I hope we can resurrect some of that connection again now. My hopes are dim, but I will always try for the brighter future if there is still light coming through the crack in the door.
Shaft of radiant dawn,
A deep and abiding calm–
Before the swell returns.
Balanced like a precarious stone,
The force of decay–
A grasping, clutching hand,
In vain, escape inevitable.
Propelled with promise,
Burning like a sunbeam–
Etching the new day.
A flood gate of sorts has opened this afternoon, leading me to contemplate my whole approach to companionship. I have, up until this point, held a train of thought that bound me to solitude. I guess this was the case because I feel myself a penitent. I have carelessly relationshipped, and now, I have only rubble in my wake. Not all of that is my fault, but I was certainly no help in saving anything. You who have been here know I have always embraced my failures in my relationships while partners simply avoid the duty. Jax straight up said I was the problem and Amanda won’t really talk about why I broke up with her. I like being able to discuss things reasonably, but none of the people I have dated have come even close to being able to do so consistently. I have settled, time and time again, or been simply misled, but I have always tried to set a proper course and effusively give my love to those I choose to let into the inner circle.
Something was always missing though. It always started out with the spark of interest, but it quickly faded and the two went their own independent directions. What I truly need is someone who has enough in common with me to share a great deal of passion, while being independent enough to have time alone with separate activities unique to differing personalities.
Right now I just stopped this whole thought. Who the fuck am I to be setting the standard for any sort of companionship? I have squandered every chance I’ve gotten, and yet that entitles me to set the terms of the next possible engagement at significantly higher levels than before? It’s this sort of presumptuous bullshit that gets me into trouble. I haven’t even met anyone yet, and I’ve already got a fucking prenuptial written up. I truly piss myself off sometimes.
What is needed is an approach that focuses on the true supplicant, me. I have so much work to do to earn a place of meaning in the world, and tonight is indeed a good place to start. However, I should have no terms, no preconditions. All the planning and formulating I have done to this point has all been for nothing. None of it ever amounted to success or anything at all. Time to start counting on the spark of instinct, impulse and chemistry. There needs to be a poof, a bam bam… something to ignite the engine of interest. We have to wonder why. We need the desire to unpack the mystery of another, and to do so, one needs to be worth unpacking. The activity requires a great deal of time, and consistency. The whole thing right now seems so surrealistically out of this dimension that it is not even possible to contemplate the thought of grasping it.
I doubt anyone I am going to meet anytime soon has any desire to unpack me. I’m going to go out there and be proud as fuck like I always am, but inside I know that the core that is good and wonderful in me is buried under a fetid, rotten rind that may be too repulsive to endure for so little a reward. What, are you going to voluntarily subject yourself to a lifelong sexually transmitted disease? Are you going to affiliate yourself with someone who can become psychotic during elevated emotional moments? Are you really going to watch the meds wreak havoc on his acne-scarred, mutilated body?
The two things I have left to give are my time and my attention. I will give that attention to those who need it the most, who yearn for someone to care about them, much the way I pine for someone to do the same for me. I know how good it felt to have someone so passionately interested in me that it lit up my world as though the sun had doubled in size. Even if I don’t love anyone else that way again, I can still care about my clients. One-on-one, I can be effective as a caregiver and I will continue to pursue that path towards meaning. I have served myself my whole life. My passions, lusts, at whoever’s expense. I’ve ruined worlds, and walked away from brightly burning bridges. I know now that I have a fate tied to pride, and a soul that aches to be redeemed.
I may be at this journey by myself for the rest of my life, and I need to be prepared for that to be the highest probability outcome. I don’t honestly think that despite my curious brilliance, I have too many detrimental flaws to ever keep anyone gravitationally bound who flew into my solar orbit. I do think the human being that I am is a pretty cool human being, but what I think doesn’t count for much and is also biased. Getting someone else to believe how fucking rad I am is the heart of the challenge I face.
Well blog, digging up those old pictures has really brought a lot of stuff flooding back, and caused me to be introspective about the prospect of ever loving a woman again. I have so much love inside me, just stored up like 10,000 barrels of wildfire, waiting for a flame to ignite their explosive potential. I want to incinerate you in the blinding, unstoppable inferno of my love. Too much?