Trying For Better

I have really let myself fall into a rut lately. With all my forward pushing, I’m still neglecting some of the basic things that will help keep me operational. I have been overeating and smoking pretty excessively, both of which need to be brought under the umbrella of discipline. I believe that both of these things require moderation to be of use, and when abused, can lead to downspiraling symptoms.

Fortunately, I have been nudged and am now nudging myself as well. I need to regain control of my physical self and become more responsible about my body.

  1. I will endeavor to eat healthily and timely as to not perpetuate a cycle of weight-gain
  2. I will regulate and moderate my use of marijuana to specific times instead of being available as needed

You guys have heard me struggle with this type of thing before. Though, the marked difference this time is my lifestyle and professional choices lend themselves to a healthier way of living, to better represent myself as someone who has the skills and functionality to manage their own life. I have thus far failed to grasp that discipline fully, but I do feel closer than before. As my walking, exercise and activity increase, so to will my health improve. I wish I had back that exuberance I used to be so well known for, and perhaps its out there waiting for me as I emerge from the mire.

Today I go to work as a volunteer for mental health. This is the place I have longed to finally be at, and a reality I have helped to make for myself. I remain confident in my direction and purpose, but still feel the need for deep introspection during this time of escalating transition.

Through the last 6 years this blog has seen me transition through countless ups and downs. My illness has meteored my life with my assistance, and I have rebuilt it over and over again. The last time I got stable, I was proud of myself for being able to hold down a job for 40 hours a week and then rise to excellence while in it. They promoted me and increased my salary by more than 30% so I wasn’t wasting anyone’s time. I earned those accolades. Even in that most recent crumble to nothing there was hope, and a very obvious silver lining.  I hadn’t given up on them, they had given up on me for being disabled and not worth their time to accommodate. I walked away from that knowing I could have given them so much more, if only they hadn’t been so fucking stupid and weren’t able to figure it out. In the end, a victory over idiocy and unfairness. I have created a new path for myself, one that I am abundantly proud to walk.


Here we go writing a new chapter.