Just beyond fingers,
Up to a sky gone down,
Wide-eyed with the impending–
Being the hopeless last.
Suffering in gulping–
Engorged in death,
Squeezed of chance–
To be slowly devoured,
As nothing remains.
Meh, I did manage to climb out of the home and execute some productivity, but not all that much. I applied for jobs, did a little walking, and decided to just detach from sources of toxicity. I am taking my one-step-at-a-time approach to success very literally. Today I did take a step forward.
While the world sets itself on fire, I’m going to try to just hold course and do the best I can do to return to being productive and self-sufficient. Honestly, I don’t have much to say tonight. I’m trying to hold course, but it’s a challenge every step of the way. I need constant introspection, or escapism, depending on the time of day.
I woke up this morning acutely depressed, and spiraling in with a chaining frustration that was dragging me down before I even had a chance to get started. I made myself a cup of coffee and took a couple hits. This seemed to take the sharpness out of the sadness I was feeling almost immediately. Since then, I’ve afforded myself a few moments of introspection. I know now that I must start being more vigilant against my depression as I am relying simply on the Buproprion to keep me afloat in the happy juice department.
It is on me to regulate this, healthily. Allowing time to mourn rejection is expected, but sliding down the slope is not. I need to monitor and address as symptoms arise. I need to be careful not to over invest or expect the unreasonable. Shattered hopes can cause a decent farther into the pit than is logically necessary. There’s no ticking time bomb on my life, despite the desired alacrity. There is still plenty of opportunity to be had out there, especially with persistence.
I’m feeling alright now, and I’ve already started putting in some of the work applying for jobs this morning. Still chiseling away at my David, but far from complete. Zoom out that telephoto and just relax. Take positive steps forward, every day, and eventually, I’m going to get where I’m going. Patience is one of those lessons I still have to learn this go-round the consciousness stick. I’m not sure at all what I’m referring to there… It just kinda came out that way and I didn’t redact.
I’m withdrawing into a hole. My hopes are crushed flat like so many unwanted flapjacks in the IHOP dumpster of my life. I must be a real piece of flaming stink-shit if it is just so fucking easy to cast me aside. Lovers, friends, businesses, the list of agents of my ongoing despair gets longer as new and old parties alike find ways to disassociate from me.
Spiraling. I don’t want to feel like I did nothing, but the very little I did won’t solve a fucking thing. I wake up tomorrow the same pitiful man I have been, unskilled, undesirable and just adding more mass to the scrap heap of useless people.
I know, maybe if I disintegrate into a lowly degenerate and start suckling at the teat of society’s indigent services I’ll be finally heading in a more appropriate direction. People like me pretend to be great, but really we’re just trying to hide the obvious fact that were fucking stupid. Not just that, but also not something worth investing any energy in whatsoever. We are black holes of society, taking in matter and returning nothing of substance. Our only growth is an increasing need for more handouts, more pity, more pedantic preachers telling us “oh well here’s what you should be doing…”
How maddening this all is. If only the surplus population of those who hate me could see me struggling now. They’d point and say “haha I knew you were a fucking loser, that’s why I cut you loose. Hahaha look at you now. How pathetic. What a fucking worm you are.”
Goodnight. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
Bummer day for the self-confidence department. Not to say that any of my internally directed praise was untrue, I just have yet to help anyone else realize as much.
But nevertheless I sit now in the same sort of paralysis of control that led me to seek change in the first place. Back in a state of not knowing and not being able to be fully independent. It hurts to be reset, and hopes of progress demolished.
At this time, I’m not feeling at all interested in charging at this issue, but instead, sulking over yet another rejection in my world. The messages on the outside have all been working to undermine my positive propaganda.
Tomorrow is a new day, with no end to my predicament in sight. I have time, but even that will run out eventually. The light is dimming, and I have no one to talk to or share my feelings with. No one is interested in me, and why would they be? What the fuck am I? Clearly not worth shit to anyone that matters.
Thoughts: leave me alone. You’ve tormented me enough for today. I’m down in the hole and I’ll see about coming out tomorrow.
I didn’t get the job, despite my confidence. At the moment, I feel a bit shattered, but I know that will pass. I will start over again tomorrow with the full-speed job search. For now, I’m feeling a bit hurt from rejection, which will just take time to recover from. This is natural, until the time in which I can engage in my future. Persistence is key. That is all for now.