I’m helping set-up for tomorrow’s 2018 Sacramento NAMI Walk. I’ll be heading down to Land Park and working for a few hours, helping out however I can. Today and tomorrow are likely to go way past the 10 hours I needed for my certification. Once reported on Sunday, I’m confident in being able to say I’m a FULLY CERTIFIED Peer Support Specialist.
Remember all that talk about digging around in the past? Well, I reached out to Em, the woman I was with last time I lived in Northern California (7 years ago). After all of the introspection I have been through on this issue, I came to do this for two reasons: First, that she already has a history with me, I knew a lot about her, and we could be friends again just based on the things we share or have shared. Second, I feel responsible for who I was at that time in my life, and I continually seek to resolve pain and hurt caused. Em was indeed still very hurt from that time, and it makes perfect sense to me. I hear her pain, and I wish I could help her resolve it.
The time since then has afforded me an opportunity to suffer a great many more calamities, and continually test my will to stay sane with each new gesture. I had to fall on my face, and again, in order to lift my shit off the ground and try again. I’m more determined than ever not to eat shit on the dirt and make a crater. I have a strength in me unlike any I have had before, derived from a great deal of pride and confidence. I have ascended to a new place in my reality and the view from the height is fantastic!
I’ve worked hard to rectify my own feelings about the past… maybe I can help My Friend do the same. Even if she never intends to be my friend or have anything to do with me, I would encourage her to write me a letter, and let me know exactly how she feels. My only desire is to be able to show acceptance, understanding, and ask forgiveness. The events themselves are never gone, but the enduring pain over it not having been properly closed is the pain that need not be suffered. Being able to end things having helped her, instead of having hurt her, would be the proper way to end our time together.
Since exploding myself a few times over the years, I find that, in this metaphor, the re-congealed bits of my former self are harder to break apart than before, having become re-bonded to each other with some highly effective adhesive. I’m not sure where I was going with that, but it does sound pretty fucking awesome.
Anyway blog, tonight I work! Hooray! I have a two month deadline to transform this non-paying volunteer position into something that pays. I do believe that if I can prove myself at events like tonight-tomorrow, I will be one of those invaluables that must be retained in some capacity. I do have a tendency to be the shiniest person around, and we all know how people get when you wave something shiny at them. Swat!