I didn’t get any warmline calls yesterday, but I spent all day with ********. Sorry, but I’ve been asked to censor and word replacement doesn’t make much sense when read back. I did, however, get an email that I responded to and informed someone about our NAMI Sac membership fees. I have also reached out yesterday to my ED David and asked him if there was more I could be doing this week. I’d vastly prefer staying active and busy then sitting in my room smoking weed and wishing I was doing something meaningful.

I’ve had a bit of an emotional upheaval the last few days being with *************************. When I see her, I get several different reactions, a lot of which I’d like to preserve/keep. There is another area though that doesn’t have a place in our lives anymore, and I have been trying to express how difficult that is for me to subdue. It is something I prefer to share openly, because bottled emotions and repressed things often go boom at some point later on. That’s not who I am anymore… I’ve been blown apart by my on un-dealt with feelings too many times.

I am a problem solver, and when presented with the quandary of what to do with these feelings, I adjust internally towards a solution. Plus, there is the additional responsibility of the memories of my past, and things I have done in similar social dynamics. She told me we would have to “break the world” to be together. We did, and it was doomed to fail before it even began. I did though… and it fucking destroyed me for 5 years, and stays with me in my present. I will never subject myself to that agony again. The shame I still carry around my first marriage is a weight I will never be rid of, because it needs to be there to remind me, every day, about what I did.

So being a volunteer is not predictable. I’m like a misfiring laser, sometimes bursting with radiance for a few seconds, sometimes just a tiny little blip of energy, sometimes nothing at all. I have two months to poke my way to a salary of some form, and I promise that I will accomplish that. I have done more with less time.

MOAR!

I have been doing a great job hitting my minimum 10,000 steps a day. I was up at 20,000 per day over the weekend. I do really like the way I feel when I’m more mobile. My cardiovascular health is improving again like back when I used to walk all the time at work in San Diego. I am intent on getting my weight to 175 – 180 range, back like when I was in high school. That’s the body I had before the meds, before depression. I think I can get that healthy person back to center stage, and I will drive myself forward with determination and improved health in mind. It’s really great that *** and I are talking, because she is also healthy and motivated, and we could be good exercise buddies. I do believe we are going for a nearly 3 mile walk today, but even after that, I’ll need to hop on the elliptical for a few miles. It’s harder-earned steps on the elliptical, that’s for sure, but the calculation for distance is not based on steps walked but the turn of the belt around the resistance wheel. So it SAYS I’ve put 151 miles on the odometer, but that’s not “walked,” that’s “ridden” or more like a very pedaling a inefficient bicycle. I’m just being straight with you.

So, here is my cat, Dandelion (I didn’t have any part of naming the cat. If it were up to me we’d call it “meat.”). The cat is pretty much broken, and should be returned to its store of origin and replaced with a cat that actually works properly. As you will see in the video, it doesn’t meow, it squeaks. It doesn’t purr, is snores. It doesn’t hunt, it runs in terror of creatures big and small. However, it has some unusual dog-like characteristics: it loves belly rubs, it comes when called, is fiercely loyal to it’s momma and it works hard to get your attention when it wants something; with the incessant persistence of an animal that has nothing else to do and the determination to get what it wants.

This is 4:30 am feeding time since I’m up ass fuck yes :30 in the morning. She’s much more excitable at dinner. She probably was asleep a few minutes before this video was taken. I did my best to get her all excited. Enjoy!