Fluctuational

Score: +2

On days that I’m both not feeling well physically and isolated without much to do, I tend to slide downhill a bit. I’m feeling a lot of sadness because one of my anxiety threads has temporarily won out over the others, convincing me of my having hurt ***** in some deep, traumatic way. I would be beside myself if I had hurt her feelings while I was in a negative space. “What, you go away for 6 years to come back and hurt me again?” If I were her, I’d be outraged. If that anxiety thread is correct, I have fallen victim to the pattern of my past and that is truly something I must reconcile in humility.

Anxiety doesn’t get much investment beyond the realization of its intent, it simply comes to represent what my brain has “determined” is the most likely outcome. Banishment though, seems inevitable and that is a reality I am conscious of and prepared for if true. I am holding back a big bursting dam full of regret, and I hope clarity allows me to either fix the dam and go home, or get out of the way while it collapses. Nothing is known, so I await the arrival of fact to determine how that metaphor will end.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking I might go back and update some of the site pages, especially given that I have a background in Mindfulness since I created my EAP. I feel like this experience here today and the last few days  has really helped me implement a lot of the skills in my toolkit: introspective hesitation, patience, consistency, objectivity, and all the communication techniques my PSS training has taught me.  I KNOW I am already making the right sort of impression on my fellow volunteers and staff at NAMI Sacramento. I really think things are moving along much faster than even I thought. I gave myself two months and at this rate, I’ll give back six weeks by the time the project requirements are met.

I do like to organize. My goals are “projects,” or, finite things that can be achieved. I’m going to update the Biohazard Boy page as well with some updated timetables and new weight goal. I’m headed at this project full-steam ahead. I can also project positive excitement (the other side of the anxiety coin) into the future I’m working for. One day soon, I’ll be moving into my own place, setting up my independent space, and returning to the normalcy of full time work. I’ll be Uncle Erit to my nephew and help that little man reach his potential in an environment that demonstrates the value of love and family.

Each small step I take marks a change towards progress. I know there are going to be days where I do not step forward, or step back even. I know from experience that this is all part of the journey and familiar ground to say the least. My progress is not a straight line, it is a jagged ridge climbing ever higher towards stability, sufficiency and happiness.

I was hoping to have someone truly engaging, funny, admirable and magnetically compelling in my world to share in the joy of the journey forward. I have intended such happiness for my future, and I wish to spread that around to those in my circle. I held out my hand nonetheless, and it’s always going to be there, ready. I still don’t know what future I may have, even if I have a pretty good plan about where I am headed.

Today was hard. I have been pondering my feelings, and expressing them as I am able. I took a step back today, there is no doubt. However, my time stepping back has not been wasted in despair, but spent observing the factors that led to the weight on me being too much for me to move forward.

At my core though, I suffered a great dimming of hope. I felt like I was reminded again of how alone I am, and how circumstance has dealt me a hand I can only bluff with. I don’t think that’s logical or fair, since those feelings are stemming from anxiety and not reality. Despite my desire to declare my emotions illogical, they happen nonetheless.

Hope you guys out there have a great afternoon. I’m warmline boy tomorrow and looking forward to it greatly. Anxiety will fade with neglect, restoring a sense of tranquility.

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