The Email

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

My dad came in here and tried to do what he always does, and I got fed up with his attempts to leverage me as the middle-man in their disagreements. Not to mention the enticing reward of not  being respected either. I’m just a negotiator no one is listening to. So, I basically told them both I’d had enough, and wrote them the following email with a BCC for my sister. She’s a part of this family too, and she deserves to know what’s going on with us. I’m certainly not going to shoulder this alone. Here’s what I wrote:

I am not going to arbitrate your disagreements any more and please do not involve me in your fights. Neither of you have listened to a single piece of advice I’ve given you to effectively improve your communication skills and you find yourselves back in the same spot over and over. 

I have proved to be more frustrating to deal with than useful since I am tired of not listened to about any of your disconnects. Either that, or you are content in this dysfunction you seem to have, and unwilling to change it at all or even seek a solution that prevents further trauma.
This environment, in this state, is something I want no part of. When I had a psychotic break at work, it was because I had to walk in to a place, inescapably, every day, where people roiled with hatred towards me. It created an energy and a pressure on me that caused my to break down mentally and snap.
I will not let that happen again, and your continued lack of ability to effectively talk to each other has forced my hand prematurely. I will not have a place I cannot escape from be toxic and poison my mental health, which is what you two have perpetuated. I am going to forgo my plan to be a volunteer for the immediate future and seek employment, followed shortly by my moving to a 1BR somewhere else in Adagio. I will not let you damage my mental health, or my environment, hamper my sense of safety, or trigger a trauma I have no desire to relive. 
This is non-negotiable. I have tried my best to help you two, but you’re in denial of your issues, unwilling to be real, and content to blame/judge each other into your separate corners. If anything, look at your history of fighting, sweeping the bits under the rug and moving on. How’s that working out for you? Have you ever stopped to consider another way of doing things?
It’s on you two now. 
 
Now, personally, I don’t think there’s anything mean about this letter. It’s clear from my tone that I’m frustrated with the dynamic, and raising the MH alarm which is always concerning. I don’t feel upset, just tired of being used the same way over and over, with no effort to change anything to make it better. I’m a band-aid, and I’d rather be something more than just a band-aid. I deserve more respect than that for all the shit I’ve been through, and I don’t get that here. I’m not an expert on anything because I’m their kid.
Well, I’m taking my health into my own hands and not allowing someone else’s inability to mature beyond petty squabbles interfere with the arc of my success and ongoing mental health. It’s nothing personal, and I have no resentment. I’ve just seen where this road goes, and I don’t want to go there. Not ever again. I hope I can drop by as less a resident and more a visitor and perhaps that will change our dynamic a bit.