Energy low right from the start, struggled to get up, but then got going later. I did my 10,000+ today though I am not feeling the enthusiasm. I know the Latuda was providing some lift despite being fucking toxic. I regret that in the current state of medical limbo I have no probability of getting with a psychiatrist and discussing my meds until I achieve gainful employ. The need to get a job, and field-oriented job, is vital. The more I stay here the more I realize how I need my own space to control. I can’t individuate in this environment, so I am considering it a launch pad to my future.
I’m plugging away, applying all day and just hoping for recognition. I will continue to push until some form of empowerment allows me to craft my own fortune. I will not be here for long. I will not call this environment home. This is a place I am living until I can move on to a better arrangement. This is not mine, it is theirs, and they remind me, every day, that I am no more than an unwanted pennant than a member of a communal living arrangement.
I’m a little frustrated now, but that will pass. I do feel like I need control over my own life, and having that taken away because of my illness. That fact causes me to push forward and forge that life for myself. I don’t like where I am, and I vow to improve, and make something for myself.
The real world is so depressing. Liars get more power and more support, truth tellers are shunned and cast to the fringes of recognition. This whole dynamic serves the corrupt, the unjust, the infidel of societal norms. Why can’t we all coexist? Why does every interaction have to be such a cut-throat war of who can fuck who the best up the ass with a hot iron poker? I contend that society is geared towards fucking some people and rewarding predators. It is fortunate, however,m that I am such a metaphorically disgusting, rotted and indigestible piece of flesh that no one fucks with me while I execute my meaningless agenda.