Defined

Things are resolving out into distinct parameters. C and are are agreed on the pattern of behavior and that’s the line(s) I needed. Nice and defined. I’m glad for that. Things are settling.

The upcoming events are present on my mind. Having such a clear resolution earlier in the day helped clear the worry I feel over my impending trip. I feel ready to get my social face on and go be with the people. Shake hands and come at my opponents with sideways sarcasm. I’m thankful I get the chance to do this, even if it is kinda scary.

But I’m feeling much better about the recent emotional turmoil. Still learning, right? Still eating shit and getting back up? I’m facing new challenges and frankly, I’m doing pretty well. I have not compromised myself and my integrity.

So many more steps ahead where I am still trying to figure out what me best outcomes are, and how not to repeat past calamities.

Mood Album: The Ballad Of Pocket-Friend

In an attempt to grapple with my state of emotional volatility, I have again turned to the medium of music as a coping tool. The process of creating these mixed albums helps me express, but also reflect. This composition I have arranged speaks in two voices: one that yearns in an abstract/theoretical sense, and the other that reminds of the parameters by which reality is confined (often toned by fact or obstacle). I have a great well of feeling, and this album helps me quantify and understand my own emotional arc. There is no conclusion to be drawn in such an unexplored circumstance, but as long as I have the ability to express, I believe this exercise will help me cope effectively.

One of the things I noticed here was I found a lot of common ground with some of the artists I used on my Graceful Sniffer album (Since the subject matter is largely the same). Different songs yes, but same melodic motifs and emphasis.

So far though, things are pretty positive, as this album undoubtedly conveys. I’ve listened to it and I’m pleased with the sort of journey of sensation it took me on… I was singing at some points and wiggling around like a sun-baked worm in others (in a good way). It’s an accurate emotional progression and summary of the place have been recently, am at now and will hopefully be going. Weee! Enjoy if you do compile it yourself:

Album: The Ballad of Pocket-Friend
Length: 74 minutes

  1. My Best Friend’s Girl – The Cars
  2. The Boys Of Summer – Don Henley
  3. American Girl – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  4. Whenever I Call You “Friend” – Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks
  5. Why – Robert Plant
  6. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  7. Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
  8. Somebody To Love – Queen
  9. Constant Craving – k.d. lang
  10. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  11. Reminiscing – Little River band
  12. Let’s Groove – Earth, Wind & Fire
  13. Your Wildest Dreams – The Moody Blues
  14. Wrapped Around Your Finger – The Police
  15. Hysteria – Def Leppard
  16. Cloud 9 – George Harrison

Adventure Day 1: Notes On Getting There

I’m working one last day in the office before departing for the big annual conference. The anxiety has been tough leading up to this point but now I feel a lot better. Maybe that has something to do with conversations I’ve had with friends, coworkers and the work I’m doing on cognitive re-framing.

I’m leaving tonight. Does it sound strange that I hope C is watching my location icon as it moves across the state? The thought of her keeping tabs on where I am going is exceptionally pleasing.

Speaking of C, I’m glad I did my Venty Time because my interactions with her have been so uplifting, and I know they would be much harder if I didn’t have a way to express my feelings and urges in a separate, unknown (to her) space (where they cause no trouble). I’m human, but not inclined to make the same mistakes of my past and bludgeon my prospects with a cudgel of emotional effusion. The promise of a tangible and contemplative friendship is something I haven’t explored since middle school and is clearly worth fighting for.

Now that I have this balance in my discourse, I can go back to being the confident and un-beleaguered individual I am. Just as a note, I do attack my own cities and from time to time and burn them to the ground. My trouble is entirely of my own concoction.

What fun it will be to go and schmooze at the conference! All the people I know and have yet to meet, and C right there with me hanging out in my pocket (technically, trapped inside my iPhone). I’ll be taking pictures and shooting video of all the shenanigans. She’s fantastic blog. Just… kinda unbelievable… having never met anyone with her skillset and personalty type before. I reiterate because I’M AMAZED and keep having the same thoughts about how miraculous this all is! We are already becoming friends and building trust in a healthy way. I’m a Hoover Dam of enthusiasm trying not to over-top myself needlessly.

Have a great day blogosphere, and the time to fly is drawing near (ish)! My dot is going 484 miles southwest! Hooray flying dot!

Venty Time

This helps. The expression of thought, of feeling, in a safe place that is free of the scrutiny of reality. That people give two shits about this thoughtstream amazes me. Ultimately though,. this space is unknown to my social world.

I need a place to feel without having an impact on anyone directly.

Today I learned an important lesson in my ability to regulate my expression, but it doesn’t mean my feelings have gone anywhere. I just need a new place to express them. A secret place.

So here we are.

I have such an attraction to her body blog… she has that perfect chemical balance where all the smells and the touches are good. I get electric when she’s next to me… it hard to explain. I really don’t want to let C know that though… it doesn’t really help me at all in a practical sense.

She lights me up when we hold each other. Enough to think that I am doing more harm by touching her than good. I don’t want her to feel like I have that lust for her even though I do. It’s not something I will ever know and I’m inevitable going to smash my head against the wall the more I long for that.

I can appreciate her from afar… I know that is no small feat but it is what I need to do right now. We are in the beginning part of our comprehension. These feelings I have are undeniable… but don’t have a place in our discourse. That’s why I have this place. Here I can vent that stuff and keep my interactions with her healthy.

I’m doing the best I can to cope. There’s no denying,. there is only a moment of recognition, then, the archives of irrelevancy.

Slammy and Quesadilla of Shame

Firstly, I’m a jerk and an idiot. I should know better than to put C is a tough spot between things of rock-like nature. I’m regretful about my brutish oversharing and I need to reconcile that. I think this has been inconsiderate of me and I have thoughts on how I can demonstrate a healthier pattern. I just get swept away with my emotional spikes sometimes. It’s hard to catch and regulate, but I have.

In Whammy Slammy Susan 2, I’m satisfactorily enjoying a healthy lead after just two days AGAINST the DerpyDerpDerp team that I hate so much. With any luck that holds up and I finally hand that bastard a loss. We shall see.

But seriously brain, we need to focus. There is so much more to life than these moments, than these sensations which should not be allowed to dictate action. Consideration and true understanding are things I need to work on. C is such a rare person… I don’t want to fuck this up because my feelings are calling the shots. Life is a meandering journey and I need to learn not to demand of it but enjoy it for what it is. I still have so much to learn…

 

I did reach out and apologize. I feel better having done so because I regret my actions and words. I can only learn, adjust and adapt to better fit my new and ever-changing environment.

 

Cleared

After a good talk with C I feel reassured about my feelings and well listened to. It’s a solid place to stand amidst the uncertainty of life. Our conversation provided that and I am grateful. Where did this person come from blog? I’m struck by the parallels, the forwardly-facing trajectories. Friendships should build and grow as the changes of life deal new circumstances and calamities. I would definitely choose her as a friend blog… and… kinda let her into the circle this afternoon. I told her about my STD diagnosis which was hard, but what a great way to demonstrate a desire to trust. I need people looking out for me blog, people I can count on in the world who will help me when times get hard (as they undoubtedly will). Make a family of your friends, and protect them as they do for you.

I feel more confident than I did before, and all the more certain about the steps I continue to take towards my mental health related goals. I’ve done so well in the last few years, and it’s great to have a friend in the circle who appreciates that.

I think I need to get myself ready for my trip to Newport Beach mentally. I’m starting to feel the squeeze. I’ve got my clothes all fresh smelling. I don’t think I’m going to bring the suit. I’m torn between artificially puffing myself and just being real (but not looking like I just woke up). It’s important for me to try and draw little conclusions and plan for things to try and manage my stress. My anxiety seeks to catch me in some scenario where I have no idea what to do or how to respond and then a logjam of thought occurs which convulses my brain into a walnut. I had this friend, and he got walnut brain and we never spoke of him again.

I think I have a great personality and I’m fast on my feet in a conversation. That I just know is true. It doesn’t stop any of the doubt or any of the thoughts… but it does diminish how they affect me. I’m going to do some exercise on the elliptical tonight and try and get a handle on these symptoms.

But great day today! Woo the future! And big woo to C. Bellinger for not one but two OFAs last night (like a defensive home run). Yeah I’ll be taking those all day long sir.

 

FMLB Week 9 + Bonus Brain Barf

Now that victory has been assured in week 8, I prepare for a third showdown with the Derpmeister. Undefeated on the year and in command of a fantastic lineup, It is hard to project a victory having been beaten soundly twice before. A. Rizzo has been raking but so too have his M. Muncy and W. Merrifield. The latter has cooled off a bit, but the lineup is stacked. K. Yates in the bullpen and E. Diaz has been coming in of late. His main starter is S. Strasburg but A. Nola and N. Syndergaard aren’t exactly shlebs either.

I seem perilously close to disaster again. I’ve had to scratch C. Paddak altogether since I don’t know if his neck stiffness will inflame and cause him to go down mid-week or before that now pushed Wednesday start. If I Start G. Cole he gets two starts beside Z. Greinke. So… my gamble is that even if he eats shit and gives up 6 ER like he did last time, he’ll have another chance to eat shit again in five days and seal my doom. Yes yes, pessimistic. I wouldn’t be starting him if I didn’t believe in the baseball gods. They see my plight, being resoundingly stomped by a ownerless team. Please baseball gods, don’t let your disciple suffer in this way! Give me a shot at first place and allow me to usurp DerpyDerpDerp!! I can’t snatch the Iron Throne for myself mind you, I need at least three to tie, but one against the leader is always extra juicy.

In other news of a personal nature, I’m feeling quite good lately. My emphasis on good mental health practices as a career and personal preference has caused a new sort of person to flutter past my sparkling lantern of electric death. I’m very glad do have positive influences on my interest like C provides. I’ve always looked to familiarize myself better with people that nourish my progress and allow me to be who I am without fear of judgement. I find myself being more introspective too, as I have noted in past posts. I often times impale myself needlessly on self-generated issues, however, this time I managed to liberate myself and carry on despite being perforated. I realized a few days ago how great my life is and that I’m glad I have friends that live nearby again. My work has really brought so many new and healthy living role models to emulate.

My introspective tools are working, as evidenced by the successes I have in expression; out here and in other places. I’m actively processing my feelings without suppression.  There’s a lot of room to grow into friendship with C which I am very excited about. So many days of laughing and being productive personally and externally. She likes to get shit done, and I think that’s fantastic! Admiration, you can has.

So today has a slate of early games, after a slate of early games the day before. My bold FMLB projection: numbers down across the board for position players. I’d guess about 20% less. Sending them out for day games after day games is probably a factor. Most guys who play a day game Sunday will take the field for the night game the following day. But since it’s Memorial Day, they will bleed for their country and play on short rest. THAT’S THE WAY WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA SPORTS BALL TEAM!