When it is right, you know it?
I’ve long believed in that, awaiting the validation of truth. Have and keep, not have and have ripped away, burned, exploded or otherwise lost.
The only way to know is to walk forward, open, in anticipation of the uncertain road ahead.
My canvas is white and not smeared with failure.
I do not know, I only hope.
I will fail again, only to procure a new surface to draw upon.
I’ll tell you now that I’m tired of languishing. I am bogged down in this mud and I’m fucking sick of it. This is me moving out and up.
The cost is high no matter what road is chosen, but at least in this aspect I have some control over my fate. I decide what steps forward I take and what I give my energy to.
My mental health as the priority, I needed change in order to jolt free of this negative pattern that has pervaded the last few months. That time for change has come.
It hurts, it sucks, but it is totally necessary in order for there to be progress.
Goodbye. Hello! Let’s start a new path onward.
Well, fuck, Blog. Here we are at another cul de sac. Life has reset back to an uninteresting state.
I feel like cold potatoes.
Something good will inevitably come of all this trial and error. Trial and trial. Smash and pancake.
One is gone, but hope remains for a future where fun things are happening.
Button press. Beep. Boop.
Here we go again.
I wish I could write it all out; just how I’m feeling inside… but the haze continues to obscure. I thought breaking away would being the calm I had been seeking… but instead, a chasm has opened. In to it go all my silent words, all the pain I had been stashing. Emptied.
Now, though… I’m finally alone in my circumstance. All the stress is gone, but the misery remains.
I still don’t know who I am, or what I want. I have so much left to give, and a lot of work still to do. Life is meant to be thought of with the arrow pointed up. My arrow is nowhere to be found at the moment.
I am going away for a while. I am walking about to find who I am right now, and what going forward means to me. When I come back, hopefully I will have learned something.