I think about the good times of relative mental stability I’m having. How long will this last? Spinning…
My mom is of deteriorating health. She refuses to admit the problem or get help. She struggles on in stubborn silence and suffers the consequences of neglect. Dad is already dying. Getting weaker by the day. His spirit is strong, but once he becomes unable to speak, he won’t want to be alive anymore.
The future of these things happening has become suddenly apparent for some reason. Is this a rush of anxiety? Do I now realize my station is contingient on having a parent to take care of? I needed to find a way to sustain beyond this limited role, and I have not done so of late. I have not secured a future beyond the shortening lifespan of my parents.
All along the way, I had hoped to sustain a relationship that would be my “net” once the parent world fell apart. I thought I had this in some limited capacity before (with K), but now realize I’m back to zero. I have as much to give as I ever have, but I have more energy than my parents have time left to enjoy it. Things are leaning towards decay, at an ever increasing pace. I wonder now what I am doing, and if I am safe to continue doing so into the foreseeable future.
I gamble all on the devotion of love.
I will always be there for my parents, even if it ruins me in the process. I owe them everything, and I will give everything I have if it will help them have a better transition. I have nothing to lose. No property. No wealth. I have only my time, energy and words to give to them for as long as I can. The end seeming nearer than it has been before.
I also must try to find someone who can understand my plight and still love me all the same. I have not given up hope, but it is not a viable thing to invest much time in. I am trying but who knows what will come of it. I have had glimmers of success, to be followed by sadness (in recent memory). I have no more allowance for excessive sadness in my dynamic anymore. I’m full on woe.
Good luck me. Keep my path all the same! Persevere (and find evidence of life on Mars)!