Crestfallen daze
The gamble of promise
Trust in contempt
Bothered by sorrow–
Deep turning blade
Transition into silence
Apart from reason
A bastion burns–
In the night
Simple in remorse
The beguiling word
A shadow passes
Cold hollow air
Squeezing the breath
Closed and constricted
Gasp for tomorrow
Poised to fall
Downward course
Away from the sunrise
Dropped the power
Sacred the broken chalice
Scattered like memories
Abandoned to dust
Wearing the shroud–
Of sadness
Shining brilliance of sunrise,
Aptly aware in oranges,
Cuts through the thin air,
Stirring the cold of night.
Indifferent are the clouds,
As they melt away into nothing,
Knowing they will be back again,
Displaced but not forgotten.
A cycle repeated,
Familiar to the senses,
Unchallenged in occurrence,
Forever bound to duty,
Unbroken in the groove of ages.
No matter how scattered the old dream,
And despite the history of storms,
There will be an end to the darkness,
The promise of a new day,
Even if veiled,
Somewhere, the light is pure.
Everlasting…
Caught in glimpses,
Rescued by certainty,
The dawn is coming.
Footsteps by moonlight,
Eyes wide, taking in the night,
The wetness of rounded stones,
A bitter tear drying on soft cheeks.
Crumbling hills of shale,
Tired and groaning in the wind,
Whispering secrets in dust,
Shifting in the wake of time.
Desperate leaves on trees, barren,
The soot of life on the floor of the Earth,
Bare limbs reaching for a fading sun,
Cold winter sealed with a kiss.
The way summer fades and is gone,
Seasons of rain and storm,
Buried beneath the peat and muck,
A memory fades into nothing,
Dissolving into the endless dream of death.
The fire rages on somewhere distant,
In the burning violence of lust,
Leaving cinders, destroying, moving on.
The hollow space filled with empty promises,
Carried off in the breath of forgetting.
If you need a friend
Don’t look to a stranger
You know in the end, I’ll always be there
But when you’re in doubt
And when you’re in danger
Take a look all around, and I’ll be there
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me
I promise, I promise you I will
When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I’m gonna always be there
Sometimes if I shout
It’s not what’s intended
These words just come out
With no gripe to bear
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while, I’ll make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise you
I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
And if I had to walk the world, I’d make you fall for me
I promise you, I promise you I will
The thunder of waves,
Gnashing cold black stones,
Churning a violent hiss,
The ceaseless tumult.
Desperation like lifeboats,
At the mercy of currents,
Lips cracked and dry–
Pining for foundation.
Rocking in the swell,
Inching closer to the fangs of the sea.
Heartsick and lost in the spray,
The journey at its end,
Met by violence–
Rendered to driftwood by circumstance,
Nothing left but surrender,
Lost, sinking, gone
Crushed under the pressure,
Without breath–
The pounding fury takes another down,
A cold, forgotten grave.
Through the unending dark,
A fire of discord consumes.
Wasted in dying romance,
Tossed aside like crumpled newspapers,
Tattered by the ceaseless gale,
Then nothing remains.
The strain of trial,
Too great a burden for assumed love,
An ember gone cold,
Masked by the soot of differences.
Two unequal parts,
Jarred free of dependence–
Wary of trauma yet revealed.
A test failed,
The ache deep and sorrowful.
Standing amidst despair,
The tired sunset beneath cold clouds,
A hollow rush of air,
Bringing down the walls of memory,
Reduced and broken,
Sad in the shadow of longing,
Bound but not forgotten,
Eclipsed by reason,
Drying out in the open,
Again, in measured steps.
Streaks of rain on the window,
Soft and quiet like the wind at night,
The ember that glows in the dark,
Choking on ash and dust,
Familiarity ripped apart and down,
The shadow of touch,
What was will never be again.
Pines in the clear blue air,
Treading lightly on sacred ground,
The hills lit up in sunset reds,
Beckoning the twilight gasp,
Forgotten promises,
Abandoned words without homes,
Snapping like twigs underfoot.
A piercing howl at the moon,
Fools stay in the past, mourning,
The sun rises yellow and bold,
Sand and stones,
Days and years, going by.
There wasn’t much to say, he thought. The day had been long and exhausting, to the point that he felt the tendrils of fatigue creeping into his mind. When he opened the door she was waiting for him.
“Hi honey,” she began softly. “How was your day?” Her tone indicated this was a stock question with no implication of interest.
“Tiring.” He said flatly, yet with honesty. His eyes moved up and down her body. She held herself taught like a nylon rope and had her hands folded across her chest. He turned his back to her and saw the sink full of unwashed dishes. There were papers and things strewn about the countertops. He sighed. She had been in the house all day, and things still looked disheveled.
“Why didn’t the dishes get done?” He wished then that he could pull the words right back out of the air and erase them from existence.
“I will do them.” She said, returning to her distractions. They were two people shouting at each other from distant islands. He rolled up his sleeves and started cleaning. She stopped.
“I said, I would do them.”
“When?” He said tersely.
She scoffed. The tension in the air was thickening.
“You know it really bothers me to leave dishes in the sink all day. I just wanted to come home and not have there be more work to do.” He said between scrubs.
“Well I’m sorry.” She said, resuming her activity. She hadn’t bothered to look up. He felt his heart sinking, as he contemplated the very low amount of respect she had for him. His desires were no secret, yet they were utterly ignored. He hadn’t put an anvil on the floor and asked her to move it. He just wanted a clean house.
“You know,” she began with a new excitement in her voice. “I’m going out tomorrow night. We are going to go have a few drinks and dance at the club.” An activity that she knew he would want no part of. Nor had he been invited to.
“We don’t really have the money to be spending it on alcohol.” He said coldly. Now he was being preposterous. They had enough money for a night out. It was the idea he hated, and he let that poison his words into nonsense.
“Maybe you don’t,” she sneered. “But I do.” Now the line between them was brought into focus. They had entirely opposite priorities.
“Who’s going with you?” As though he really wanted to know.
“Some friends from work.” She kept their names out of her mouth. It was better that he didn’t know that one of them was the guy she had become infatuated with.
Once the dishes were done, he got out of his work clothes and got into his jammies. He came back into the living room where she was still absorbed in distractions. “I’m going to bed.” He said. It had been ages since they had gone to bed at the same time.
“Ok goodnight.” She said not bothering to look at him. There would be no bonding over a shared bedtime. No reassuring noises made from a sleepy woman. No gentile touch to guide his mind into slumber. She could care less what he did, or when he went to bed. She had already moved on. In her heart, the fire of their love was nearly out. She had no desire to sleep with him, because she wasn’t interested in him anymore. Something new had come along and his guilty sighs over having to do the dishes were silently infuriating her. He always had to have it his way. He was just so pig headed. She couldn’t wait to go get drunk with her friends and forget all about how much she resented him.
“Goodnight.” He said. After a brutal day, he found no solace in his home. The place was devoid of closeness. He had, tucked somewhere in his subconscious, the fear that she was through with him. Maybe he just wasn’t willing to admit it yet. Either way, he went to bed quietly, and alone.
Yearning abides the fevered ache
What cheating hands so often take
Like a blister from the burning sun
A man who’s will has come undone
Not gambling away the common play
But in simplicity he chose to stay
Then lost in sadness and turning blue
The lies he was convinced were true
Abandoned, alone and ever-felt
On the doorstep of pain he often knelt
Those shattered dreams are blown away
Time will bring yet another day
Memories burn like newborn fire
The person he’s been he can’t admire
But change is driving his movement on
The path he walks yet to be drawn
Alone he stands with much support
With friends and others of that sort
Hear their words ring loud and true
That they do love the things you do
And carry on this noble charge
Your self esteem will so enlarge
Beating back the pain of the day
Of times in which you went astray
Fear not the future coming true
No one stands between it and you
Little tasks you will complete
Until your cup is quite replete
Shadows erased by blinding light
The torch will cut the fear of night
Hold fast and true and you will see
The man you always hoped you’d be
Entry 104, Act I: The Rogue’s Encampment, Sanctuary
Is there no end to this madness? I recall that but a few short days ago, I vanquished the demon lord Baal on the floor of the Worldstone chamber, only to find myself here, back where it all began, with Andariel. She who I mercilessly slaughtered in what seems like a lifetime ago. Now, I’m returned unceremoniously to the Rogue’s Encampment with Akara acting as though she had never met me. And Warriv saying “greetings stranger” to me as I walked near the bonfire. Is this some form of new devilry? My first thought was that this was a trick of time, and that I had been cast backward in history… but I have come to find that lands I crossed as a fledgling hero are now full with evil, and on par with my evolved strength. These minions would have destroyed me if I had met them before, but now they fight anew with enhanced vigor and fortitude. I can’t explain how all the days and weeks of labor I poured into cleansing this land of the shadow of the three can suddenly be undone. I am back. And Andariel is my foe once more, and THAT is my reality; some form of living nightmare to which I am bound.
Regardless, evil stands before me once more. I can rise to fight, or I can die, along with everyone who calls Sanctuary their home. I can’t let that happen. If I must do it again, I will.
My companion Tylena, a Rogue archer, has come with me into this madness, and somehow all the world has forgotten us. Yet she still wears the runeword armor I crafted for her, and still carries The Breath Of The Dying, which I inscribed on her longbow for her, just before we were to face Baal. She and I will stand beside the archangel Tyriel once more, but we must earn our way there… all over again.
I am unsure what new challenges we may face, but upon coming here, I felt my strength lessen, as I am hurt quickly my magic and elemental attacks, much as I was when my hero’s quest began. It would seem there is no end to this punishment, and evil is strong in Sanctuary once more. But not for long. Even as I write, Deckard Cain sits by the fire, having been freed (again) from Tristram. When I try to explain that this has happened before, he becomes cross with me and demands I focus on Andariel. I had hoped he, in his wisdom, would have an answer.
I must go on. There is no return to Horaggath for celebration. No Mala to cheer for the demise of Baal. Nothing but a world once more replete with evil. And Tylena and I must face it together, again.
Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
Spinning fingers fly
The canvas of unfurling time
Who’s artistic touch–
Bends the world, breaking
A sickness, run deep in the mind
Uncured by lies
Regarded yet despised
The shadow of her past still lingers
Progress stopped in hate
Hours, days dwelling
Incumbent of pain
A moment is passing slowly
Haste, lost its way
Pages, falling scrambled
Words crumbling
Memories burn in the din
Simple seconds go by
The chapter being done.
Promised a new sunrise
Saying goodbye to unforgiving night
Transition beckoning
A day, a lifetime of regret–
Pressing the iron of years
Futilely struggling
Passively prevailing
Another way is chosen
And on it goes
I’ve had the most amazing dream. At first there were four of us, and we were all friends somehow before the visitors made their first appearance. I think maybe we were never intended to know the truth. Aliens from another world, another time saw us though. We felt them. But time passed after the first encounter. I tried to convince Jax that we had to do everything we could to get back to them. We had to pack up our lives and go back to find them at whatever cost. One of the original four was devious and a cheat, and he wanted to exploit as his primary objective, so they shut off his kidneys and let his body die. Jax fought with me, said I was ruining our life, and she yelled that she hated me. A literal chasm developed in the floor of our bedroom, and I took what I needed and fled to the woods. She came looking for me, but only to get more angry with me. She killed herself instead of coming with me to find answers.
So there were only three of us, and we worked together in a high security facility somehow connected to the first encounter. We used our access to gather clues. I was determined to face the visitors again. And on that final night, we executed our plan to go back to the rendezvous point. And the authorities were closing in, knowing too late what we were up to. They were waiting for us. And just before we were captured, they took us with them in their silver spaceship.
I get the feeling this being had taken a liking to us, and interactions between us and the visitors were hallucinated scenes, sometimes another traveler in an recognizable barren desert, sometimes just a voice or strange objects which seemed to defy reason. Like glass that melts in your hand like water. Or vials filled with fluid with strange words printed on them. But we all were onboard their ship traveling to who knows where. There was difficulty, since the gulf of understanding between our two beings was so vast, we got the feeling that we would never be able to directly interface with our hosts. Time has no meaning to them. They can move into any parallel reality, on a whim.
The alien who had taken the three of us had then been ordered to put us back. So they dropped us into an ideal reality, one where we would want for nothing. But I couldn’t stay there, not after having touched the edge of understanding. I questioned that reality they put me in. I begged to be taken back. We all did. Our minds were open now, and we didn’t belong back in a closed world. I saw my friends again back on the silver spaceship. We talked some about what we had each seen. Then they began to age before my eyes, their bodies were moving in an out of time and space. I watched them blend into one being, who I knew then to be our host, and I finally had my chance to ask him questions. It was clear we could not be put back on Earth. We didn’t belong there anymore. Something about seeing these aliens had changed us forever. There was only the vast unknown of the universe stretching out before us. And we were all going out into that vast unknown together. With a benevolent guide who was just as fascinated by us as we were by him. We headed out into the stars, together.
My dream ended there.
Permanently attached to the menu of my blog is a very neat little document. It’s about as old as any sequence of words I have come to create. It began 16 years ago when I was much, much different. It was originally a WordPerfect document, was then converted to a .doc file, and has been preserved ever since. It’s survived dozens of computer transfers, dead hard drives, and has prevailed in the test of time. I took the contents of that file and posted it in the blog. Since this file began, I have promised to follow the rule: whenever you find it for the first time in a long time, add an entry, and see how many times You can do that. And so it has endured to this day. Ultimately, It is a testament to the kind of person I am. I have had so many changes in my life, and all those names are a kaleidoscope of my transitioning identity. I am a person in flux. A mentally ill male who has this record keeper to put my disorder into perspective: a lifelong story detailing more than half of my reality as a fractured, changing, evolving individual. I know to you this document doesn’t have any of the memory of having kept it for so long that I possess. I KNOW I didn’t just create those words in 2012 (when the blog was started) like it would seem to you. I remember a time when it was down to being on 2 flash drives. It came so close to being totally erased on several occasions. There’s no way I can convince you of the truth. I have no way to prove it. Other than to hope that after making THIS FAR down the post you would probably think I was being straight with you. I stand to gain nothing by deceiving. And besides, you can tell by my enthusiasm that I’m proud I’ve had it for so long. It’s really quite amazing. It’s not much, but it has been with me through it all, and there are very few things in my world that can say that.
Shameless corners dust and dirt,
Parched ever in the wilting sun,
Made brave in the blasting heat,
Long shadows come undone.
Whispering in the stale air,
Their cries of want and endless thirst,
A mellow red sunset long,
The clash of color due to burst.
Reckless, cringing scrape of night,
The heat of day did not belong,
When eyes are groping for the light,
And crickets make their special song.
Arise again the break of dawn,
Emboldened, clutching hand-in-hand,
Another pale promise gone,
Buried deep beneath the sand.
Twisted brief
A ray of sun
The counting clouds
Their bellies full
Laden for baring
The cool wet breeze
First drops, falling
Mouths dry
Crispy soil baked
Splash of relief
Being one of many
A sigh in solace
The rain has come
Shivers down the bone-spine,
The wet hiss of rain.
Skin pulled like a drum,
Cracking under the sum.
Amidst the shadows, long
Whispered moments–
Eaten by time.
Pale light of the dawn,
Cold alleys and wasted days,
Churning in the innards,
Split in two by thunder.
Driven like a bent nail–
Contorted wrong,
About the mystery of chance,
The shouting cries of pain,
A heart thumping deep,
Scraped by trapped hands–
Put between like bricks,
Separated forever.
Making lies dripping sweet,
Stung in the gasp of terror,
Expelled by thieves,
Shattered mirror.
A face without a name,
Quiet sadness,
Abhorrent in memory,
The pale rumor lingers,
Strumming like fingers,
On the edge, not looking back
Falling swiftly into nothing.
You were the sweetest thing that I ever knew
But I don’t care for sugar honey if I can’t have you
Since you’ve abandoned me
My whole life has crashed
Won’t you pick the pieces up
’cause it feels just like I’m walking on broken glass
Walking on walking on broken glass
The sun’s still shining in the big blue sky
But it don’t mean nothing to me
Oh let the rain come down
Let the wind blow through me
I’m living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I’ve got so little left to lose
That it feels just like I’m walking on broken glass
Walking on walking on broken glass
And if you’re trying to cut me down
You know that I might bleed
Cause if you’re trying to cut me down
I know that you’ll succeed
And if you want to hurt me
There’s nothing left to fear
Cause if you want to hurt me
You’re doing really well my dear
Now everyone of us was made to suffer
Everyone of us was made to weep
But we’ve been hurting one another
And now the pain has cut too deep…
So take me from the wreckage
Save me from the blast
Lift me up and take me back
Don’t let me keep on walking…
Walking on broken glass
Walking on walking on broken glass
I’ve always said that one’s enough to love
Now I hear you’re bragging one is not enough
Well, someone told me you’re not satisfied
You got plans to make me one of four or five
I guess this kind of thing’s just in your blood
But you won’t catch me carving up my love
I ain’t no puzzle piece that needs to fit
If it takes more than me, let’s call it quits
‘Cause I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Don’t wanna be a feather in your cap
I just don’t wanna tell you honey I ain’t mad
But I don’t wanna go on with you like that
It gets so hard sometimes to understand
This vicious circle’s getting out of hand
Don’t need an extra eye to see
That the fire spreads a faster in a breeze
And I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Don’t wanna be a feather in your cap
I just don’t wanna tell you honey I ain’t mad
But I don’t wanna go on with you like that
No I don’t wanna go on with you like that
One more set of boots on your welcome mat
You’ll just have to quit them if you want me back
‘Cause I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Oh, if you wanna spread it around, sister that’s just fine
But I don’t want no second hand feeding me lines
If you wanna hold someone in the middle of the night
Call out the guards, turn out the light
And I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Don’t wanna be a feather in your cap
I just don’t wanna tell you honey I ain’t mad
But I don’t wanna go on with you like that
No I don’t wanna go on with you like that
One more set of boots on your welcome mat
You’ll just have to quit them if you want me back
No, I don’t wanna go on with you like that
Hiss the hot, red words–
Burning the motives from action,
A gavel sounding the silence,
Mandated from the sender,
The message is lost entirely,
But in the twilight of excuses,
The maddening hours pass unresolved,
A lie told for a lie,
Corked and cast away on the sea of concern,
An outrage totally unheard.
But truth abides–
In the house of caution,
Belittled by the construct,
But aware of himself alone,
The daunting struggle of days,
Alone, content.
Proprietor of destiny,
Turns the eye of sorrow,
Back to peace.
Tantrum bold
Always cold
Sighing sleep
The two should meet
Awakened eyes
Told only lies
Behind the fray
She wouldn’t stay
Alone again
Lost a friend
Seconds tick
Brick by brick
Stole away
Another day
Dashed his clout
Without a doubt
The rocks can tell
Just where he fell
Some secrets deep
Where hearts don’t beat
Away the rise
The sun despised
Blow me down
A distant town
Far from this
The end of bliss
Tomorrow comes
But I’m undone
Dipped in sallow hate
The swaddling, strewn reckless
Across the pin-tipped moment
Where blurred reasons ache
And tomorrow’s a tough swallow
Estranged like a beaten spouse,
Churned in the red
Begins a relapse of memory
Time and tide becoming
The veil is lifted by hours passing
Cooling in the night
Promised a better fate than this
But sinking nowhere
In forgotten dreams
Timid steps
Recoiled in terror
Hurt by reason
Wandering hungry
The next hour arrives
Fated to chance
Pondering the dues
Reconciled against waste
Mired in filth
Restored to promise
Of better days
And sunrise
Breaks the sky apart
Eyes breathe
The coming
Want of leaf
Strewn loose
While tender
Heartbeat empty
Paced feet
Wretched wear
Rote begat
Desperation’s turn
Under sunlight
Afloat, the truth
Stunning, told
Afternoon shadows
Began awry
The spun–
Yolk-blush beat
Fortified gratitude
Selfishly unaware
Handles turning
Seconds screaming
For deliverance
I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain
From breaking my heart
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you’re making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please,
Give a little respect
To me
And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live at peace in our hearts
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please,
Give a little respect
To me
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you’re making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please,
Give a little respect
To me
Snap up the sunlight,
Hollow in the wanting wood.
A clean shore break of reality,
Burdened with frustration,
Tied-down to routine–
Measured in long hours,
Spent up and crossed in thought,
A reckless hatred of daylight.
Abused and down,
How quickly the weeds grow.
Sitting in misery,
Void of empty desires,
The harrowing bell-chime–
Of the dark to follow.
Away with reason–
The time still burns.
Lesson in memory.
Sand stinging eyes–
Play sorrow’s song,
A better tomorrow, earned.
Unclear water running,
Across broken dreams,
Pain going downstream.
Distance found–
A place, rational and real.
Forsake gone days,
A rising sun greeted–
Words the way forward.
I’ve decided to put together this playlist to encapsulate my current state of mind as a music playlist. I do this so that anyone bumping in to this might gather a better understanding about where I am in my head, and in my heart. So it’s full of ups and downs, naturally, and very tweaky. If that makes any sense.
Under the dog star sail.
Over the reefs of moonshine.
Under the skies of fall.
North, north west, the Stones of Faroe.
Under the Arctic fire.
Over the seas of silence.
Hauling on frozen ropes–
For all my days remaining.
But would north be true?
All colors bleed to red.
Asleep on the ocean’s bed.
Drifting on empty seas–
For all my days remaining.
But would north be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me–
Over a godless sea.
Mountains of endless falling,
For all my days remaining,
What would be true?
Sometimes I see your face–
The stars seem to lose their place.
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
That, “I loved you in my fashion”?
What would be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
I’ve been good, in that I’m not exposing myself to bad things. I stopped reading Jax’s blog after she got together with her most recent boyfriend. It’s all still very fresh and painful. I can’t seem to be just “done” with sadness. Maybe I’m punishing myself a little, but then all feelings are legitimate; even the unwanted ones.
I’m not moving out this week after all. Just couldn’t make the management company happy. They wanted an awful lot of paperwork and documentation from my work that I didn’t feel comfortable giving. So, we keep searching, never stop trying.
I’m just a few minutes before therapy. This week wasn’t as painful as last week. I guess some little things are starting to work themselves out in my head. If that makes any sense.
Struggling with emotions is not unknown territory for me. I’ve dealt with this all my life. And yet, it never gets any easier having to choke-down a breakup with no one to help pick up the pieces. Abandonment. They’re tough realities to face. I am doing good though. I’m not going to give up on trying to make new friends or relationships. It’s effort well spent in the pursuit of tranquility.
My mind is like scrambled eggs. I thought I had therapy this week. Turns out it was next week. Damnit. I didn’t have to wake up at 6.
Thunderstorms today. I already heard some thunder. But knowing San Diego, we won’t actually see much weather action. Big line of cumulonimbus clouds stretching northeast across the county. Maybe some extracurricular fun but probably not.
I’ve been struggling with my sadness lately, and I’m sure you’re aware of that detail. I put together this album just trying to summarize my emotional adventure of late. So throw this list together and give my inmost state a listen.
1. Driven Out – The Fixx
2. Heart And Soul – Huey Lewis & The News
3. No One In The World – Anita Baker
4. Something About You – Level 42
5. You Might Think – The Cars
6. Where Do You Think You’re Going – Dire Straits
7. The Stranger – Billy Joel
8. In Hiding – Pearl Jam
9. It Keeps You Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
10. Why Should I Cry For You – Sting
11. I Wouldn’t Want To Be Like You – The Alan Parsons Project
12. I’ll Be Over You – Toto
13. Nursie – Jethro Tull
14. Learning To Fly – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
15. Winds Of Change – Scorpions
16. The Finer Things – Steve Winwood
17. Help Is On Its Way – Little River Band
18. Waiting For A Girl Like You – Foreigner
19. Right Down The Line – Gerry Rafferty
Telling lies like truths,
Enshroud the gospel of reason,
In a fate with inevitable sadness.
Trying, breaking,
The way is shut like eyes.
Trembling down in weakness,
Made common by pain,
Undone futures wanting.
Shifting in the hot sand of time.
So passing hours,
Do dial and creep,
Losing the war to decay,
But softly.
A chance is random as whim,
With talented hours drifting,
In a lot with broken pieces,
Cast like bones on the floor.
Reading peace,
The tranquil lapse of folded emotions,
Contemplating a day full of sun.
Twisted hot right,
With deadpan memory–
The fractured stare,
Broken by many hands.
Past still haunting,
In her eyes, a ghost–
That lingers, shadow.
It’s reason that burns–
That which yearns.
Tender affections–
Blasted with splinters.
Oozing its last.
Shale, taken by time
Packed hard and tight–
In lost betrayal and
Forgotten sadness,
Who’s unforgiven burden,
Bears the weight
Of your dead.
It is the night
My body’s weak
I’m on the run
No time to sleep
I’ve got to ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again
And I’ve got such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I’ll ride like the wind
Ride like the wind
I was born the sun of a lawless man
Always spoke my mind with a gun in my hand
Lived nine lives
Gunned down ten
Gonna ride like the wind
And I’ve got such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I’ll ride like the wind
Ride like the wind
Accused and tried and told to hang
I was nowhere in sight when the church bells rang
Never was the kind to do as I was told
Gonna ride like the wind before I get old
And I’ve got such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I’ll ride like the wind
Ride like the wind
Bored done bones
Stiff cooked wood shakes
Stripped marrow core
Blanched stark in horror
Shelved laments
Canvas painted a muted hue
Adult intentions–
Being mired in clothes
Twig snap a crisp
Shift a fallen pale leaf
Sun kissed moments
Soured with regret
She breaks like–
A deadly storm.
Harbors frothing
My whole word boils–
Her name.
Tangential wandering
Steeped and packed with mud
Chortle away
The day, the night
Tomorrow or forever
His eyes are that blue
Yesterday the sun
I’ll dance the moon
Broken rings
Falling into snowflakes
Driven by combustion
Ash alighting from distant fire
Take down the memories
Burned up in hate
Beguiled to lie and conceal
The ever blazing truth
Of loneliness after disaster
The parchment scraps of reason
Dueled by delinquency
Lost in plain sight
Forgotten by her lovers
Sad autumn trees lose their leaves
Carpets of regret
Turning the page of life
Without pause
The story goes on
It’s going to be a long yet surprisingly active week for me. I’m learning the company’s software platform and it’s arduous, as all proprietary software is just that. It’s slow, cripplingly slow going for some of my coworkers, who are really starting to get the reality check I for so long had anticipated they would. Laurel, our instructor, is not like my supervisor at all. He’s a laid back kinda dude guy bro buddy pal. She’s here on the company dime to teach us a skill in 10 days and it is imperative we learn it. Some of us are already on that path, some are not. This process ends in a test, so it’s not like half-assing it is going to cut it this time. My teaching tools are useless here, where everything is scripted and the curriculum lasts only as long as there is material to dispense. I admire Laurel for having the right attitude. That room does not agree with her though, and that makes me sad. She’s going to have enemies, if she doesn’t already. And who knows if these employees are even going to stick with the company. They seem like a lot of freeloaders looking to cash some checks and get away with doing as little as possible. If they don’t have the “run in with the law” now, it will just happen at some point down the road. Justice is survival, frankly. I’ve already seen my coworkers looking for ridiculous ways to spend the money they make, on Alienware brand computers and other nonsensical horeseshit. I don’t understand you people. You squander your greatest resource, your mind, just like you do your money. I truly feel sorry for you, because I’M YOUR COMPETITION, not your friend. I’m going to set the curve on that exam, you’d better believe it. And no I don’t care about the most recent Transformers movie, or it’s motifs. Wait… you wanted to talk about motifs? Get the fuck out.
So not to natter on about troubling signs at work, but I just had to get all that off my chest. I’ve been in there for three weeks, and I try not to be a part of the conversation too much. No one really wants to talk to me anyway. I have interests that go above and beyond the average hooligan’s aspirations. I think about time, astronomy, the patterns of weather, the pacific tectonic plate, and so on. No one gives a shit about my abstract thoughts. Frankly, every time I do manage to talk about something relevant, like PC games, I’m still not playing a game anyone has ever played, nor would even want to play. To them, RTS isn’t fun, it’s stressful, and stupid. Somehow. Actually I find the more an intellectual you are, the more likely you are to play a game like Dawn of War: Soulstorm. I come from a small percentile… I’m keenly aware of this. I go through the day learning things, absorbing as is my job, and keeping all these secret little message thoughts tucked away for the evening when I can come home and rant!
Well, regardless. I’m writing out my thoughts that on one in my whole day gets to hear, save YOU GUYS.
I’m doing great though. I can’t abide the absenteeism of the mind that goes on during my day. I have to vent somewhere. I have to have a safe place where I can go and have big intellectual thoughts and ponder all sorts of things. Fuck, I was curious why the Salton Sea stays full in the Imperial County desert… turns out, it was created on accident by people, and is so far below sea level that it taps natural groundwater and stays solvent. Even with no run off and hardly enough rainfall, it maintains as California’s largest lake. Bet you didn’t know that 10 seconds ago.
All secret thoughts sound like whispers in my mind. Not shouting. Not even normal speech. But whispering. Strange.
It’s as if I’m still afraid to have thoughts and BARELY take responsibility for them. But I know better than this. I’m better grounded now than ever before. Why are my thoughts still afraid?
I sit in my jeep at lunch and eat my food. Quietly and politely. I often find my thoughts drifting to George Michael songs that remind me of my ex wife. Lyrics haunt me for days at a time. But this is me. I’m a fractured person, with demented patterns. I live ensnared in a mesh of ropes hanging over the abyss. Politely said.
Clearly I’m not partnership material. Once you get close to me, there’s no real safety left. I tend to throw my trust in from the get go. And I have to be flat out unhorsed to be stricken with an inability to effectively communicate. My language is a broadsword. Bitch.
I worked my ass off today, putting together two huge 70 slide power points for our training purposes. I provided the knowledge and initiative. My boss went out of his way to thank me for that. He appreciates a hard worker when he sees one. And I know I’ve impressed him.
I can walk tall at that office, because I’m earning respect with how I carry myself, how I behave, how I dress, and so on. I’m helping everyone out, and simultaneously earning the trust and admiration of my superiors. If my supervisor hasn’t said something about me to HIS boss I’d be shocked.
These are the aspects of incentivized good will that inspire me to act as I do. With respect, dignity, and pride.
I think that distinguishes me from the rest. They aren’t looking for a way to separate themselves from the flock. I’m sprinting towards the horizon with no one anywhere near me. I know I’ll get to know all those agents, and eventually I’ll be right there slinging calls with the best of them. I can’t wait to just be out there on the phones, doing the real work of helping people. I take so much from what I can do for YOU. It lifts me up to know my knowledge and advice helped you realize your problem could be resolved. These are the blocks that build my foundation.
A weary mind begs for sleep, and so to must I.
I’ll bend your ear for a minute, if you give me a chance to whisper. I’ve got a handful of good jokes and a ton of miscellaneous science knowledge. When in doubt, use a metaphor!
Life is not meant to be spent meandering. It’s an active exercise in coordination followed by lots of driving. I find myself stumbling across these sentences. Perhaps there is more to the thought than we are capable of perceiving. I mean, without a side tone, how would we ever be able to talk to each other on the phone? I go apeshit if I can’t hear myself talking. It’s mind numbing not to hear your own voice. It’s like being deprived of your ultimate uniqueness. Which is why I wonder a lot about why so many people are OK with squandering their speech to some rudimentary grunt-based level. I have people in my social circle that basically speak their own language, and I only SORTA get it.
On nights like this, my mind will REFUSE to settle down until I’ve made a great deal of words. I’ve gleaned a bushel of new knowledge from my experiences of late. I think that’s a dutiful practice, the sculpting of the brain. The mind is an ever evolving thing, constantly plagued with our poor decisions and lack of attention paid. The mind is a rotten organ for most, who struggle for language and are limited to immediate experiential perception. This mode is disturbing, because it’s just plain EASY to let your brain deteriorate into mayonnaise. It’s all too common, because having your mind CHALLENGED is a pain in the ass my friend. It’s hard to learn, grow, PROGRESS. These things take a great deal of effort, and the mind is only weak because it is UNDERUSED. It’s a deadly weapon, if sharpened and tempered. But I don’t expect that to be a universal truth. Clearly it is not, because we are so easily, communally swayed by the whims of events, emotions, fleeting fancies. We are sensory based receivers and refuse to adapt because no one is threatening our dominance of existence. People lead privileged, unqualified, unearned lives. I do not.
In fact, my brain is abnormal, because it refuses to conduct messages in my brain across resource depleted synaptic gaps. Things are already hard folks. It’s an uphill battle from hard, to harder, to holy shit the weight of the world is smashing my skull in! I don’t panic easily, thankfully. I can be pretty rational under extreme duress. Often too rational… but that’s a tangent. Anyway, I struggle to survive because I’LL BE DAMNED IF THIS FUCKING ILLNESS WILL KEEP ME DOWN FOREVER. Albeit, things are going to be absurdly difficult from time to time, and I may lose a great many battles, but I refuse to just go away and be eaten by my disease. I can let my mind turn into silly putty if I want, but I don’t want. I’d rather be really, really smart.
And my mind, for all it’s defectatude, is a tremendously creative and original place (as some of you have figured out). I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’ve fucked up a whole lot… but I’m learning, really learning valuable things from the mistakes I have made. At least, I’m trying. I put a lot of effort into what I do, because I have only one way to represent myself in this world, and if you meet me, you will perceive me in a way that I intend you to. I do not mislead with false demeanor, or construe my objective. I’ll lay it down: this life we live in is a big fucking race, and the people winning the race are the ones who will do ANYTHING to win. You and I aren’t going to compete with them, frankly. But we CAN still strive, like they do, emulating qualities that define, not hinder our morality. My heart tells me to act like I want to be perceived, so, I do that to the best of my ability. I know I’m not going to win at the race of life. I don’t really want to. I’d rather just define myself as a human being, as best I can, and live a life that makes me proud to be me. I do the RIGHT THING every time. Because I won’t betray you, and I’ll sure as hell try to not let you down. I don’t want to be someone of societal relevance, I’d just rather try to figure out how to be me instead.
And I’ve got a lot of work to do still.
I have been diagnosed Bipolar II, with social anxiety and ADD. These things do not, in any relevant way, inform about what I actually experience as a result of having been professionally examined. The label is only there to classify a group of symptoms, which are generally the same across case studies. MY personal experience with Bipolar really doesn’t have any relevance to YOUR alternate experience. We are distinct, yet aligned because we still cycle, we still know what Bipolar Depression feels like. We know what mania is and how to handle those extreme highs. In some form, we are both struggling with a pattern of symptoms, in two vastly different ways. I know my journey doesn’t really have an end. I intend for it NOT to. In my opinion, mental health is the priority of my life, because without giving it the respect it deserves, I have been beaten down and lost everything. My life has been reduced to shambles, more than once, and I was left to rebuild. Nothing about a journey with no end is easy. It’s hard. A pain in the ass in fact. But it’s what DEFINES me. What makes me so vastly different than you. I am of a distant, not oft used radio frequency and few others monitor this signal. My journey may keep throwing new obstacles in my way, but so too will blessings be dealt. Life doesn’t just fuck you for doing your best and being honest… it may fuck you for a while, but not the whole time. People who don’t have to struggle hard for sanity take their lives for granted. I’d give my dick for a normal brain! Are you kidding me? Anyway. This is supposed to be uplifting and encouraging. For all the sufferers out there, I’m one with you. I’ve been through some funky shit, and lived to tell the tale. Somehow, despite my best efforts to the contrary. I have seen the edge and I know still that there is hope for my life and my future. I get to be the one who decides my fate. So I say: let it be a proud one. To whatever code you stand for, and to the means to the end of being sane, I salute you.
I try to keep my thoughts realistic, but there are times I suffer being solitary. I find I don’t have a lot to talk about with most people. My conceptualizations and ideas are not often the subject matter in question. Instead of compromise my standards in order to interact, I stay silent. In my attempts to reach-out to others, I give myself enough reasons to internalize.
It’s hard having unwavering standards. Even in the face of isolation, I still know better than to indulge common people for whatever sort of relationship could be garnered. Nothing lasting or meaningful ever got its start that way. Trust, respect, and understanding are skills lost to this generation. My peers are content with mediocrity, when I strive for more.
I just need to accept being alone. It is the way I have endured for most of my life, and it has had both good and bad moments. Whatever the short-term consequences of feeling sadness may temporarily distract, the inclination to continue doing things my way is overwhelming. I can’t reconcile feeling alone, because that’s just how it should be right now. It’s a bitter pill, because it’s hard up front and only pays off after a great deal of time goes by. I should be aware that though this sadness may be of my own making, I still accept the essentiality of its presence. For better or worse, I’m here with it.
Tried through trust
A stunted yearning
Piled up behind memories
Stinging tears tear down
Crisscrossed fingers
A together journey
Days, nights forever
Wilted by a wrathful heat
Nature being meek
Who’s running work ruined
A tale in sides
Wronged hurtfully
Hands don’t touch anymore
Soft and small
Stumbling over moments
Where the tides
Rush out to the deep
Shiny eyes , night
Steady heartbeats–
Taking flight.
Whim of wind,
Who’s cries did tire
All alone, dark
Huddled near the fire.
Return a way
Yesterday.
The bleak drive–
Without mercy,
Turned over in the sea.
Dead to time
Thought of disparagingly.
Shallow pieces
Hunted by deep sharks,
Forgetting the future,
Betwixt the remarks.
Sunk in memories,
Chortling murderer…
Where are my pillow tears?
The world is tearing me apart.
I’m not big into social media. I’m reluctantly a part of Facebook, but only because my whole family is on there and we shit talk with each other. I’d miss out on those interactions otherwise… and even though I can be stubborn, I will sometimes cave in. But I generally draw the line at this point. My internet profile is pretty low.
But I could, theoretically, have a way to make even my most inane thoughts into massively distributed text transmissions. Even have a way for others to monitor my activity! Hooray?
I find the premise to be flawed. This “service” of message posting and sharing is highly suspect. First, unless it is your JOB in life to be famous and have people pay attention to you, one has no business owning an account. “Hi there, I’m Stoofus and I’ve got some thoughts about shoes.”
Is this really what we’ve stooped to? We now care enough about Joe Nobody to see a live stream of his every thought. I sense that we’re going to be disappointed. No one has THAT many rad thoughts. They probably hire someone to do the posts for them. Probably.
In short: don’t be hasty to deem every passing whim as recordable material. Some of what we think is just rubbish. Some being yet worthwhile. But how many “tweets” am I going to care about? How about none.
I know I’m an atypical individual. I’m generally not amused by what most people are captivated by. I find people to be a somewhat boring subject manner. Ideas are far more compelling and worth discussing. But I must be prepared to be alone in my thoughts and desires. No amount of hoping will ever make the “tweetsick” world any different. Sadly.
Nevertheless. We continue on, while making the pointed observations that help quantify or define the parameters of our awareness.
With cutting edges,
Distance parting a–
Crucible of blades.
Trying for mercy,
Quiet are the cries.
Tumult building,
A new hatred burns,
Unquenchable in deeps.
Rocking back on promises,
Through will and wait,
The fire of time.
Tolls the final bell–
Calling on shrouding night,
As the candle blows out.
To each bitter end,
The unrequited word,
Fall into the nothing–
Of unheard sorrow.
I wish a tender place to sleep
To soak the sunlit hours deep
Into the cracking cave of night
Where hours vanish with delight
A warm embrace of embers’ glow
Hiding deep beneath the snow
Blanketed buried soft and neat
Do shadows on the canyons creep
A frail flag against the wind
So eyes to their duty rescind
Beneath the tumult of mashed up scenes
Chewed on slowly by my dreams
Tired lays the body down
To wed the throne of most renown
King in chambers home at last
You’ll never know the time has passed
For morning’s light when next you meet
Allow your mind to just intreat
A passing memory of darkness gone
The new sun rising to its song
Where dawn breaks,
Headwind breathing–
Takes south the dust of time.
Forgotten in a daze–
Burning like wildfire embers,
But solemn being alone.
The crossbeam of fortitude.
Prevail despite sadness.
Dark and forgetful ways,
Subjected to his eyes,
Tearing a hole in the truth.
Beguiled by serpent whispers–
Take back myself!
Bleak and horrible–
As the way my seem,
To trust again the wind.
Coiled in emotion’s venom.
Brushed aside as another–
Forget my love!
Turning the book of days,
To a brighter tomorrow.
Taken to stand
Alone in the sea
I’ve lost the horizon
In painted hues of pain
Canvassing the autumn sky
Still old and tired
Belonging fractured in heat
Sent the way of changes
Twisted sorrow
Burned home in regret
But lost to foolishness
And the stormy skies
Of many broken promises
Snapping through mine
And wounded deep
The toiled trouble
A single rising sight
Towards starlight bound
The heavens open for me
In drowning daze
The ripe is done
And on with the marching
Go subtle
The missteps of time
A futile squandering
In merchant wares
Of substance lacking
Too keen to despair
A forever moment
Or two
Twice paraded and
Quickly stowed
In sticky regret
Be gone
But never lost
Another sleepless night I can’t explain,
Somebody said they heard me call your name,
The radio won’t let you leave my mind,
I know it’s over but I don’t know why.
Should’ve known better–
Than to fall in love with you.
Now love is just a faded memory.
Should’ve known better–
Now I’m a prisoner to this pain,
And my heart still aches for you.
There was no risk that I wouldn’t take,
And not a promise that I didn’t make,
All I asked was that you just hold on,
And now I’m wondering what I did wrong.
Should’ve known better–
Than to fall in love with you.
Now love is just a faded memory.
Should’ve known better–
Now I’m a prisoner to this pain,
And my heart still aches for you.
I gave you all of my body and soul,
Never believing we might lose control,
I took my hands off the wheel.
I can’t remember if the lies were true.
It’s been a million years since I touched you.
I thought time might help me win this game,
But being away from you is slowly driving me insane.
Should’ve known better–
Than to fall in love with you.
Now love is just a faded memory.
Should’ve known better–
Now I’m a prisoner to this pain,
And my heart still aches for you.
I have been writing huge posts, often rants about my painful experiences around my suicide attempt, but not publishing them. In fact, I typically vent for up to 500 words or so, and then delete the post entirely. I let one go today, but realizing I would rather have just deleted my rant, I did after the fact. I’m sorry if you read it and were like “what stick got up HIS ass today?”
I have a lot of feelings that don’t need to be solidified as a post. More often than not, I indulge the destructive thoughts by giving them a creative outlet in my words. But do I want to save all those words? Fuck no. Most of what I write is biased nonsense, and you should know that by now. It’s not intended to be ubiquitous, it’s not a tween pop hit. It’s MY blog, and it’s often dark and quite belligerent; mired in redundancies, and sometimes at a total loss for how to articulate the feeling, but trying nevertheless. I don’t write for anyone but myself, for myself, for my thoughts to be real, heard, and then dissipate forever. Take it or leave it.
So, like I was saying… there are just too many posts that don’t need to be posted… because they come from an emotionally unhelpful place, and are happy with just having my attention for a few minutes, let alone achieve semi-permanence. I’m trying to keep the thought faucet on a drip… for now.
I had nightmares. It was demonic possession in this dream. And they poured hot mustard on my knee so I would write down demon words and talk in demon language. It was unpleasant. But this is how sleep goes sometimes. At least I’m not having to face The Ghost.
I’m my dreams, I’m suffering in one form or another. It’s very rarely a not horrible dream in which not horrible things are happening. Very rare.
I’m going to group today. It was a little crowded last week and I’m not too big a fan of that. The groups lose value when they get bigger. Chances are someone will grab the limelight and not let go of it. Then we only deal with one person’s problem the whole time. Not fun. Not rewarding.
Seeing her again yesterday only reminded me of how far she has fallen. I used to respect and care for her, but not anymore. I think poorly of her and have no desire to interact with her any further. She’s left my concern and I’m glad to be rid of it. I’m doing so much better without her. It’s measurable, the changes I made to myself. I’m so proud of that. It can’t be taken from me either.
I’m here in snuggy town. I’m warm and safe. Not possessed by demons. Thankfully.
Not what you think. Seriously.
Now, it’s just math. 20 4 minute tracks make 1 perfect 80 minute CD. So I figured, “how many could there be?” and then I had 50 of them to sort through. Needless to say, this is pretty oddball. And no storyline here, just broken, fractured references and beats all mish-mashed together in a trianwerck mess. It’s butcheringly bad to listen to. It is so bad, I made up that word “butcheringly” to describe it. Damn. I’ll give it credit for having so much modern flair. Bravo.
I have to behave in a way contrary to how I feel sometimes. It’s mostly because I’m second guessing myself all the time, and have no trust based on the initial emotional offering. I tend to justify my feelings as to why they exist. They usually have a good reason, unless we’re dealing with emotional symptoms, which can have no good excuse at all for being there. I am quiet, because I am a little scared of everything still. I’m not flourishing, I’m just starting to open back up again after being closed tight. I can’t say I’m ready to just pack up my stuff and move in to an apartment right now either. It’s a tough thing to admit, but when I’m alone, I get very sad and I cry. I get acutely lonely, and I act like I’ve been abandoned. Which I have not, but none of that seems to matter. It’s not about thinking my way out of some bad things, it’s just due to having been poisoned so many times. I’m fucking ruined if there is ever to be a next love. Ruined. All my training has broken down, the wheels have come right the fuck off this wagon. I am so judgmental about people and things, and it serves as my initial protection system, warding off perceived threats or other undesirables.
In the opposite direction, my arm is finally back to normal. What was that, 2 weeks? Just about. So, we’re drawing blood from the other arm next time, how ’bout. I’m getting in to another week of things to do, starting with Life Skills today at 1:00. I am GOING to get back to my exercises again this week, now that my arm can freely dangle at my side without causing me severe pain. I’m really hoping that this is the week DoR calls me and I get to go down to MHS and start finding me a job. I’m just so excited to get this aspect of my life moving. I’m getting to a healthy point of wanting my own space, my own “land” to manage. I need that responsibility so I can establish an independent sense of worth. But am I ready to go fly out there and do this right now? NO. But I’m damn close to being there. It’s going to land in the “Goldilocks Zone” of my success. Right when I’m ready to go, I’ll be needing to go. My parents want this to happen, and so do I. For sure. It’s all around, a good thing.
I’m a guy in flux. Changing for the better takes time and patience, and lots of measured successes. I have to build my fortress back up again. I’m down to my last villager and we’re scrambling for a place to hide and rebuild my empire. I can do this though. Because I want it back so bad, I’m willing to do what I need to in order to make that happen right.
Add more springs
Astride full flowers
Way went home
Past brittle stones
Along a beat path
Back on sorrow
Dry tastes the air
Accused of scandal
Beneath the woe
Thought she gone
But haunting steps
And wiped down smiles
Rude exchanges
Tepid with lies
Run tomorrow
Down old rails
Beamed to reason
Fraught with guilts
But stern headward bow
Against a storm
Seven wins, no losses. The Tyranids are not a deep tactical army, but rather, a very fast car with not much gas in it. We seem to be able to win with game times running under 15 minutes. Over that time, and most races will out tech Tyranids with some of the more dominant units in the game. But I haven’t had a game go over 15 minutes, and I’ve recorded seven straight wins: defeating Tyranids, Eldar, Sisters of Battle, Dark Eldar, Necrons, Space Marines, and Necrons again. I’ve got no doubts I can beat Tau or Chaos, as the AI tends to meander a bit with these two, and rarely do they put up a fierce enough showing to grab a win. I’ve not lost to either of those armies in some time. Don’t know what it is exactly, they’re just slow. I am most concerned with Necrons (because their sheer toughness is a bad matchup for fleshy Tyranids), and Dark Eldar (who seem to just MAUL everyone they play). And I beat both of them in a serious, bloody, sloppy, mess of victory.
My build order s pretty simple, and my armies are usually comprised of the same stuff no matter who I’m facing. Genestealers, fully upgraded, do nice melee damage, and are worth pursuing them fully to get their squad size up and damage increased. They do base 51 – 80 melee with 9 in a squad. Nice, and cheap! And they can be spammed from the Hivemind, which is how I will use them, with lots of targeted deep-strikes popping new battalions into the battle immediately. Warriors, with the melee claws weapons upgrade, comprise the fighting front of the first wave. With the Genestealers, and both command units built, the Tyranid army is a hard thing to stop. In fact, once I have these pieces in place, there are not very many things that they can do. The commanders are piece of cake to upgrade. 4 Serious. With no power requirements, no second resource to juggle, I can CRANK the upgrades through after reaching economic bliss as the tier 2 resource-gain upgrade finishes. I level listening posts once. They have no defenses on them, so going the full 400 requisition to get them fully fortified seems extreme. And a waste.
The turrets and stationary defenses have the same model, just one is bigger than the other. I think that’s kind of silly. I wish we could change that. But whatever, this is all temporary, as soon a whole new UA will be around to mess with, most likely merging these small changes as part of the overall overhaul. At least, I hope SOME of these models stay. The HQ I could do without. The old one was better. I like the new Carnifex (screamer-killer). I like his older full Carnifex brother as well. The Hive Tyrant is a nasty looking model. The Bloodlord is a fantastic model, bar none my favorite of the lot. Simple, sweet, horrifying. Like a Genestealer with a flesh-beard. Lictors look nice as well, in that tentacled sort of way.
I have been spending some time getting a handle on the build order, but it’s so simple it hurts. It has no real merit at the moment as I have yet to truly, convincingly say I have a sequence with the Tyranids. At the moment, my options are still somewhat open, depending on the map. A real build order leaves no question as to its dominance, and therefore, solidarity.
A simple mind is easily filled, with faith.
I’m just here to check in. Even though I’m not the most talkative cousin, I am one of the cousins. These are my extended brothers and sisters. We practically grew up together, spending almost every weekend in Boulevard. Also known as the family ranch, where my grandparents lived. We used to all just go out there and hang. All the kids would go down to the basement, start up some crazy game. We’d all come up to eat and sit at the bar. All the kids at the bar. Adults at the dinner table. That’s just the way it was. It was a lot of fun and good memories.
So now we’re mostly all here, hanging out together again. It’s not as insane as it used to be. But a good solid reminder of where I belong. These people are my family. No matter what, that’s not going to change. There will always be family. And new memories to be made with these fundamentally good people. I like being here, and there is no substitute for knowing where home is.
Farewell.
They kinda remind me of the Borg. Same mentality, kill, conquer, assimilate. They are driven to do one thing, and they do it well. The Tyranid army is fast, as I have been saying. The thing that primarily enables this rapid pace is the Hivemind, the Tyranid’s unique feature. It appears in your permanent command unit icon area, but when selected, reveals it is not a unit at all, rather, just a new build menu and some special abilities that all use Power, not requisition as the activating resource. Abilities vary from random spore strikes on visible areas of the map, to production inhibiting area of effect stuff. They can also slam huge flaming meteors into your base, once leveled. The Hivemind also allows you to build a unit, and deep-strike it to anywhere on the map where the fog of war has been lifted. Which is fucking sick to just drop whole squads of Hormagaunts or Genestealers right into the fray, without having them need to march out from a production structure. They just pop right in to the battle, ready to slaughter. I love this.
Also, they have a need for one to act quickly. Lingering around for economic upgrades will rapidly defeat the purpose of the Tyranid army: to take the field quickly owning all melee combat on the board, and recapping strategic points for economic suffocation. Because it’s damn near impossible to win on units, unless you happen to have a massive sum of them. I’ve been in skirmishes lateley, the last 3, where victory was achieved by placing power units in critical areas and restricting unit access beyond a slowly decreasing circle. Carnifex (Screamer-Killers) come in handy towards the end, when you need some serious firepower to combat the upper-tier stuff they brought out to counter the Warriors and Genestealers.
Victory comes at the hands of having all the unit-side power / toughness upgrades done before the tipping point occurs on the battlefield. My focal point, as it were, has been the arrival of fully upgraded Lictors which I have set to autobuild from the Bloodlord, once he’s been adequately upgraded. Then, with his infiltration turned on, he just sits there on enemy ground and cranks out a Lictor every few seconds. With 8 – 13 of them running around, structures tend to go down pretty fast. Commander units are toast, as Lictors eat them for lunch. Lictors represent the backbone of the army, with squads of Warriors upgraded for melee combat in there as well. Sometimes the first few squads of capping Genestealers are left over, so I buy them all the upgrades and turn them loose on the front lines. This has worked miraculously well, I must say. 3 tough opponents, all collapsed under this strategy.
I’ll be going through more testing today before my family has a big gathering this afternoon. I’ll be schmoozing with my fam, which I love, because they’re good people. Though, I don’t have anyone around to talk Ultimate Apocalypse with in that circle. As you may have noticed, I posted my letters back and forth with Will on the blog. I will continue to do so, as they accumulate. Anyway, hope you have a good Sunday. RTS on brothers.
It’s past my usual bed time but we just got done watching a movie and dinner. It was all very nice. Casual fun. More importantly is that I seem to have done well letting my sadness wash over and through me. As I figured it would. But enduring those moments can be rough. I talked with my dad some today. He told me he was very proud of the steps I have taken and that it’s clear I’m improving. All he really wants is for me to try hard and have a go of it. They both want me to succeed. I learn from my past and sometimes wear the shame of those missteps in the present. One thing I can bravely say is that I have not deluded you or myself in this whole process. I’m not telling the world a spun version of reality. It would be nice to have no regrets, but I own my past and am sorry. And directly responsible for it. My actions. My words. It’s all there for anyone to see, and I won’t live any differently. I think I’m pretty stubborn about certain things. But now I think I see why going this road alone is best. Other people are a risk, and can’t be depended on to value me in an appropriate way. What I need is the deep inner strength of the self emerging triumphantly from a cocoon. I am such a talented, amazing guy. Why should I waste time on losers, idiots or people who lie? Some people are just ok not living honestly. Some people say one thing but do another. I’ve learned the value of being honest. Even if it hurts or breaks reality, it’s necessary to have peace in my heart. I’m not a liar. I’m not a cheat. I’m not brave either, but things are improving. Back to that word. Improving. I can say with confidence that I’m doing it right this time, for me. I’m worth that.
I’m here feeling really sad about my life and it’s current manifestation. I guess I wish I was doing something I could be very proud of. Instead, I feel like organic waste. I feel like a pile of steaming compost. My heart is heavy and I can feel it in my chest like I swallowed a stone. It’s cold and unforgiving and not willing to listen to rationale. It just hurts and reminds me that through this part of my recovery, I must be alone. I’m not too good with that, because I’m affectionate and soft. I like to be loved. To give love. To have something invaluable like emotional bliss is more than I can bear thinking about. I’m so fucking far from being emotionally happy it’s not even fun to measure the distance to go still. It seems all so insurmountable. And I am sad to be constraining my parent’s lives with my situation. I would like nothing more than to succeed and lift the burden of my presence from them. But it’s all out of my hands right now. I even wrote a letter to Hope Connections about that possible IT job. Haven’t heard back from them. Haven’t heard from DoR either. Boy would I really like to do some stuff to make my life better. I hate being stuck. Waiting for others to decide my fate. It’s pretty fucked. But I didn’t want to be here. I was living my life until it collapsed. I was doing ok. I could have been doing a lot better, but that’s my future goal. For a reestablishment of my independent, dignified self. But I’ve never felt as “off” as I have been because of this most recent collapse. I put so much into that life. Now it’s gone and the memories are bitter. I remember the first time she stepped foot in San Diego. I was so damn excited to see her. To have this life with her that I planned. It was all such a huge mistake. I wish I would have known the kind of person she was. I wouldn’t have wasted my time. She’s the opposite of what I needed. A poison in the prerogative of denial. Of looking everywhere but within the self for answers. Like I did. Leaning on love like it could hold me up. When it never could. She never loved me like I thought she would. Love to her is like any other emotion. It comes and goes with the tides. Eventually she had no love left for me. When I loved her too much. Treasured her. But why? Because it was all I could understand about love. It was my only definition. I guess I’m writing all of this over again because I really have no other way of coping with this unquenchable sadness. I’m trying. I have not given up. But this is hard and I hurt. And someday, it won’t be this way. Someday, I’ll be me again.
______________________________________________________________
And yes, we will have us a game soon, but it will take me some time to get back to where I need to be for that to happen again. I have it as one of my goals, for sure. And YOU probably need to just download and start messing around with it, because I’ve had some time to play it, and figure it out. I’ve mastered 2 build orders, one with Tau Empire and the other Eldar. Believe it or not, the Tau build is largely melee, and the Eldar is ranged. Um, like, what? Yeah, opposite of how I have played them in the past, I am aware. But a much better, faster, deadlier build now than ever before. I leave the AI on Harder and can beat it every time, even if I dilly dally. It’s the Insane AI I have trouble with. It’s just SO FAST. So much faster than even I know how to go. It’s not reasonable to play that AI and expect to win at all. It’s damn near hopeless, unless you get them on a map where they have no good strategy(see, no markers) and THEN they will die. But that’s not often, and not because I was better.
Hope you have a swell weekend day. I’ve got family visiting from out of town, so I will be doing that for the next couple days here.
First off, let me just say that these guys got a huge makeover. Things looked, well, shabby, until now. These buildings are the core objects that the typical Tyranid base will inevitably contain. It’s ambiance, folks.
Hive Tyrant (Commander). Level 8. 11276 HP. Squad Size = 1 + 3 Hive Guard. Melee 113 – 135 Ranged 145 – 170 damage. Upgraded with Scything Talons + Crushing Claws. Cost: 280R/0P
I adore this commander unit. I mean, how do you stop him exactly? The AI has no idea how to use him, or when to have him hold ground or flee. He can fly, also. Though the new model didn’t grow any wings when I researched the technology. I bet he still flies but has no animation for it. Or some such. Anyway, with those two upgrades, he’s clearly the centerpiece of the entire Tyranid army. Without him rallying the swarm, they have no hope. He seals the deal though, in a big way. He’s surrounded by a new honor guard of sorts, and he spews a cloud of pestilence all the time.
The Crushing Claws looked nice in this model’s rendering. The talons are huge. So, he’s beefcake, needless to say. Complimentary to him is the secondary commander, the Bloodlord. He’s smaller, faster, and not really intended to be the vanguard of any army, but a tactician, summoning troops and dispatching fast waves of Tyranids with little difficulty. He is a flesh wizard, summoning and upgrading himself with a series of extremity armaments and other useful things. Like I said, he’;s not to be the front line guy, rather, somewhere in the back negotiating new troop assignments and rallying more of the swarm to the battle line.
Bloodlord (Commander). Level 8. 2430 HP. Squad size = 1 + 8 Genestealers. Melee 138 – 161 damage. Cost: 220R/0P
Together they account for the fastest army in all of Ultimate Apocalypse. I’ve found the Tyranids to be boring, because they have no tech selections and are driven only to make more Tyranids appear on the battlefield and make them stronger. It’s great if you like to Zerg your opponents with a great sum of meats. I’m not a big fan of winning by digestion. They are single-resource driven, with Power serving as a “special” resource for executing Hive-Mind commands and deploying special abilities, not for making buildings or units. This can get a little, um, tiring. It’s not as much fun to balance just 1, 2 is exciting. 1 is boring. Mostly 1 anyway.
It should be noted that since the Fan Patch, the Tyranid army has a relic commander unit that has no upgrade capacity. It’s rather like a, Avitar of Khaine, but fleshier. And also very big and buff. It does nasty things to units, demolishes structures in a few swipes.
Well there you have it. I took a stab at briefly summarizing and providing some commander flavored insights. The melee damage numbers on these guys has got to be off by a mile. I don’t think it computes a new figure when you chose upper and lower extremities on the Hive Tyrant. Which is why I listed them, so you have some idea about his likely damage output.
I’ve got this build order down for Eldar that I’m pretty stoked about. It’s fast, and very hard to stop. I start with the bare essentials, economic upgrades only after tier 2 is researched, and no units until tier 2. Minimum. If you haul-ass up to tier 2, and then hit them with a serious fast-moving threat, there’s no way to beat that. I’ve seen them try upwards of 4 times now. But this most recent victory came against the Insane AI, which I throttled the same way I did the Harders. Those Fire Dragons might be OP or something, because they gutted Space Marines’ base in less than 1 minute. They just walked right through it, smashing everything in their way. They even reeled and built a second HQ farther down the map, but it was no use, by then the Warp Spiders has closed in and there were no more units of any kind, on the map. Down to a HQ and then dead.
The I attacked first, but they couldn’t handle the first group of Wraithlords. They managed to kill 1 of 3. But by then, ranged infantry was getting out, and the Dark Reapers all died because I needed them to buy me some time. It worked, because then I had Fire Dragons, and all their big Dreadnaught things died fucking boom. And vehicles tried to run away, but died attempting to flee. Then I gained a bunch of ground that they were vacating, realizing the tier 1 stuff they had was not going to cut it against me. They ran for cover, and I chased them right back to the HQ and killed them.
I had a strange therapy session, where my therapist actually got intimidated by me, and the way I was talking. I think I may have overwhelmed her with eagerness to explain my peculiar self-rhetoric. I was attempting to explain that I have to be overly-selective in making any kind of relationship right now, because I am trying to rebuild myself, alone. I need to do this rehabilitation for myself, and without the need of another person or for another reason other than, me. I deserve to live a full life, for my own sake, because I am unique, special, and worth defending. Even if the fucking armies are closing in on me, I still have to be ok with myself, in order to know that I can survive for my own sake. That has to be enough to inspire me to my ultimate heights, where the ceiling of what I can achieve with my life is within reach. I truly hope that this goal of mine is not too lofty, but crafted out of an understanding of the gradual arc of slowly, correctly, built success. I tried to explain my ideas about what friendships should be about, but she called me “idealistic.” I think maybe you’re “pessimistic.” How about that? How rude.
Anyway. I tend to think that If I want to life my life for myself, I had better follow a pretty solid set of rules. I need the structure, to hold me to my moral compass. To guide me in a crisis. I need to be able to do these things alone, and in the event that a new person was to me added to the equation, it better be because of some fucking good reason. I’m not going to be your friend just to say that I am, If you don’t have anything useful to add to my life, then I probably don’t want to talk to you. Is that idealistic? Or just picky? I mean seriously, that’s not even as extreme as I can be. this is moderation folks. You get what you get.
I don’t know how today’s run in with my morality will play out over the course of our next meetings, but I get the feeling we won’t be going back to that area, for her sake I guess.
I’ve been experimenting with much faster build orders lately, trying to apply my success with the Tau to my other favorite factions. At the moment, I’m concerning myself with a mastery of speed Eldar, which is fun because they’re sure fucking built for it. Listening posts at 80 requisition, for example. Yeah, money. So, not to distract myself to much here, but the point is, some units are useful with the Eldar much earlier than others. Like the Dark Reapers, which have 2 upgrades available at tier 2, and Third once you hit tier 3. All to weapon damage. Sick, right? And also a clue, pointing me towards a build order focused on getting nasty ranged units on the field with only a handful of vehicles as backup. And those vehicles are usually a Wraithlord (or six) in melee mode hammering structures or making short-work of infantry. Then, hopefully, the picture is becoming clear. With ranged units at tier 2 that immediately counter other larger units, like big vehicles or aircraft or reenforced structures. Fire Dragons kill everything that’s not an infantry unit. Easily, once upgraded. And Warp Spiders do wicked things to units, but have little affect on buildings or other armored things.
My battles have gone like this: I am largely left alone for 6 minutes or so before I am forced to address the military issue. Or build a counter unit, or some such. But by then, I can build Wraithlords, which take over on melee immediately, and then build Warp Spiders, Fire Dragons or bring my left over Dark Reapers along to finish off stragglers. This has not failed me yet. There seems to be no stooping a pissed-off Wraithlord. It can maul damn near anything that could try and harm it, or put a stop to it. They struggle against aircraft, but that’s what the Fire Dragons are for! They annihilate armored vehicles and anything even vehicle flavored, and on top of that, they punish structures. They can raze an entire fortified position in moments… which is the fastest of any counter-unit I have yet seen. Mixed ranged squads control the true battle-line, as they march, slowly tightening the noose. Typically leave them in the hold ground stance, so they don’t get kited off anywhere (which the AI will try to do mercilessly, and trick them into running through mine fields and such, very MM). Then, as the Wraithlords work the threats to a minimum, the ranged units just walk forward, purging the land of anything enemy as they go. It all works rather seamlessly, even at the cost of a few Wrathlords losing it somewhere along the way. They have weaknesses, namely, rockets. But they serve a function of engaging the AI’s melee units and keeping them busy while the ranged units work the real power, and demolish things that the Wraithlords are being attacked by, or happen to be near. Their Line Of Sight (LOS) is critical to establishing ranged dominance. They can shoot farther than they can see, but with a greatly expanded LOS, they kill, mercilessly.
I think this strat has a cogent build order, but right now I don’t think listing it out is worthwhile. I’m still in flux, myself, over it’s sequence. I’ve been working with the first few establishing moves Eldar has to make in order to go win later. I still am murky on the very first military, and what unit works the best to pair with the Dark Reapers to keep them safe. Reapers have no melee attack whatsoever. Like a much better beefier Fire Warrior squad. Anyway.
I’m going to have that build order figured out soon enough, and when I do, you’ll no doubt be the first to know about it.
I should have you trained by now, to be expecting some form of playlist every few days. This is no exception, being born of a desire to hear more professional caterwauling and other forms of noise that you may or may not find amusing. I had a smile on my face the whole way through the album. No room for woe on this party train!
Hard job making a playlist out of the 60 or so songs of that exact length.Why? WHY NOT I SAY! I came to the number due in large part to a math fail. There you have it.
Made a pretty remarkable set, once I trimmed the list and organized the tracks. BEHOLD:
4:44
Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling, Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve
She didn’t recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried
We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged
We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn’t find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how
She said she’d married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn’t like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn’t sure
If I saw doubt or gratitude
She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how
We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another ‘Auld Lang Syne’
The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain
It’s true that since those 4 skirmishes I haven’t won a single round of Ultimate Apocalypse, since changing the AI setting to Insane. I think I’ve lost more than 4 now, to Eldar most recently… they didn’t rush at 4 minutes, which was a relief of sorts. I had time to build my economy. But holy shit did that not matter. About 2 minutes after what I expected to be the rush, a great silence fell on the field. I had next to nothing, so I cranked Barracudas, Hounds and the Alphas. Now, I didn’t lose right away… I held them at bay until I had both ranged and melee tier 2 buildings out. I built the ranged commanders, but by then it was too late. They had an Avatar of Khaine and he walked all over me. Killed 4 Krootox in a matter of moments, and then did the same to my XV89 Bodyguards. EEEEP.
I know, right? So, I’m at an impasse. Maybe I’ll reduce the AI setting and see if my build order will work or not. If it can kill a Harder I’s be ok with that. I asked the Ultimate Apocalypse Facebook group about what AI settings they use, and most are on HR. Whatever.
Do you ever get to feeling small? As though under the weight of some gargantuan? I find my stillness interrupted by wandering worries; the pestilence of anxiety. Perhaps there is something more to this than the simplicity of meditation, perhaps that the more organized and objective my unique thoughts become, the more they are fulfilled by recognition. It is being seen that these feelings really only desire. They boil like a frightful sea, but in the end, they amount to little more than steam. I think I will go on struggling this way for many years to come, because how can one become so reasonable as to parse individual thoughts and emotions as though they were playing cards? I don’t think that is a reasonable objective. Instead, I’d like to suggest we practice the slow diligence of meditation; the quiet release of the breath. I find tranquility in the sound of my breathing… as it passes through me. The feeling of its arrival. The ease of its departure. Over and over.
But I’m not good at this by any stretch. I’m a work in progress, but a willing one; prepared to make discipline of a belief. In some sense, it’s one of the few things I can actively control, and yet, the capacity to do so is in need of maintenance. I don’t recoil at the thought of practice, but I do recognize it as difficult… because it is. Mindfulness.
I am in a contemplative state. I find the hours of the evening dwindling. The charisma of the day is short on exuberance, all bedded with the tired of sleep. I can’t fathom the strain of being the sky, the sun, the stars. It’s a big responsibility. Certainly more than I pretend to understand, but clearly something larger than myself. In the vast unknown of all that surrounds us, I’m little more than a blade of grass. An organism directed to survive as it should, as it was programmed to do by instinct. It’s overcoming this instinctual compulsion that lies at the heart of my contemplative meditations. I have a measured control over it now, where before it ran free, unbroken, untamed. Instinct can drive the gears of survival, but when and where? My “execute appropriate emotion” command is totally fucking broken. We know this by now. I need a chance to catch my feelings by their coat-tails and address them. I yearn for these emotions to get what they want, the attention of understanding. Isolating them, stuffing or otherwise not coping will only imbibe failure.
I wonder about the future, not in the usual anxiety-driven sense, but instead, with an openness to what unexpected things await us all. We’re just as likely to go on with or without inspiration, but it is the randomness of time, the whim of change, that never-ending puzzle of chance… that is the mystery of life, of living. We don’t become alive and aware to then NOT pay attention to our world. People are driven by their senses, they are our strongest guides. But trust them as they should be, not becoming more than they can ever be. Our minds are a sense too, because it there that we make the decisions based on sensation, or input. We trend as we were built.
To break free of restraint is to understand the depths of the self. This is the primary objective in my introspective life reconstruction effort. I’m determined to build myself up strong, and solid as I am, for who I am, for what I can be.
It’s my hope that this blog, this little creative outlet I have for my thoughts, can mark the tides coming in and out. They are on the rise now, and may be headed to never before seen heights. We may be headed for disaster. Who knows? That’s why we play the game.
I got the call today,
I didn’t wanna hear…
But I knew that it would come.
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone–
She said you found someone.
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through–
And how I lost me and you lost you.
What are these voices outside love’s open door–
Make us throw off our contentment–
And beg for something more?
I’m learning to live without you now.
But I miss you sometimes.
The more I know,
The less I understand–
All the things I thought I knew,
I’m learning again.
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter–
But my will gets weak–
And my thoughts seem to scatter–
But I think it’s about–
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
These times are so uncertain–
There’s a yearning undefined.
A people filled with rage.
We all need a little tenderness–
How can love survive,
In such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance–
That can lead to happiness,
They’re the very things,
we kill, I guess…
Pride and competition–
Cannot fill these empty arms!
And the work I put between us,
You know doesn’t keep me warm.
I’m learning to live without you, now.
But I miss you, baby.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again.
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter–
But everything changes–
And my friends seem to scatter–
But I think it’s about–
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone–
They gonna’ let you down–
You know they hurt your pride!
Better put it all behind you; cause’ life goes on…
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside, baby…
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak–
And my thoughts seem to scatter–
But I think it’s about–
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
Even if, even if you don’t love me…
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak–
And the ashes will scatter–
So I’m thinkin’ about–
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
Even if, even if you don’t love me…
I’ve got some confidence in my current build order. So much so, that I cranked the skirmish AI up to the highest setting (Insane) I. I just said: “well, what the fuck do I have to lose?” I guess it’s the optimist in me, but I figured I could do it.
Result of 4 skirmishes against the I: 4 wins.
Why the fuck is this happening? I thought the sequence was good… maybe not competitive against a human, but this? I won against Space Marines, Chaos, Tyranids and Necrons. All with no problem whatsoever. I don’t really know if it’s because of the changes I made to the sequence… or if somehow the skirmish Insane AI is fucked up and doesn’t work right. But I was challenged in each game at some point. Necrons I had to go after because they weren’t moving fast enough. I obliterated them with 7 Barracudas and 2 squads of Hounds.
It takes me less than 17 minutes; every game has been close to 15. Things escalate quickly and I gain economic superiority fast, and then I crank the same unit until I can’t build any more of them (cap out). I usually only ever need to grab 1 slag pit and upgrade intake twice, sometimes just once. Shit yo.
So, is this a strat I can go public with or what? I want to try it out on a human, but I have no peers to do so with. I am going to really lay it all out and name it something clever; eventually becoming a new post at some future date. I think I will keep smashing the monkey-shit out of the AI, because this is fucking fun. Really.
I have never played at THIS LEVEL before. I think I’m really getting something useful out of this, given the human implications. Hopefully, this prevails. More testing is needed though.
So bai.
The bounty of reason is understanding, and paired with it are the stern disciplines of learning. Pestilent eruptions of the sour state can perturb the objective. I find my medley in the mass-confusion of anxiety-laden emotions, and the “cool change” of logic. I have a subject determined by the shifts of the air, and a temperament as turbulent as planes under altitude. I have the sown seeds of beneficence; instructed from the start by the gilded hands of unconditional love. Who’s prosperous heights did rival the towers of old; who’s decadent exuberance did cast the boy into the role of joy. I comprehended the innocence of love without condition or end. Only then to be challenged in the elementary institutions of public conformity. Where identity went by the wayside, and the acceptance of the horde assumes a paramount position of importance. In the frail summer of trials, I was baked and subsumed into the larger entity of community, population. Scored by the masses unperturbed, then cowering to standards beneath moral cooperation. Individuality gone, bored and lost in pages of nonsense. In the forum of society, sallow urine stained bedsheets and all, twisted into a sickly sweet subversion of the self. Becoming a fool, jester of the corporate front. Undoing the scars of history, bound forever to recognition, trying in emulated gestures. Profoundly unaware as the density of bricks. But this is where we are. All hands raise the colors of combat. A duel between the contained and the unrestrained. Assaults the memory with a firey fragrance built to fruition. Totaled and rolling down the sum, passes like moons over the stars; behind the darkness is want.
Going through emotions, I find the best way to express how I am feeling, in all it’s various facets, is to use a medium that can support an eclectic expression of ideas. I often turn to music to help me get things processed. I like that, because it seems to generate a very fulfilled sensation, as though I know my thoughts got responded to.
Typically, I’ll generate one of these playlists over a period of hours. I literally go through the alphabetical list of artists until I have around 80 songs or so selected that match my feelings. From that point, I crop the tracks until the playlist runs somewhere under 1 hour 20 minutes. That is pretty much the only criteria for this thing. It’s just so much fun, and answers a need to be seen from myself. After having constructed the sequence below, I feel uplifted, acknowledged and expressed.
This one goes out to all the broken hearts out there, aching in silence. The ebb and flow of the emotional sea is ever-churning. Be prepared to feel.
I’ve had my head in the world of new music lately. I discovered the brilliance of Billy Joel’s 52nd Street, then had a grand time learning The Who’s Tommy. I just found out about how awesome Gerry Rafferty is, for example.
I haven’t grown up in a sheltered musical environment by any stretch. My parent’s music collection is what I grew up with, so, there are bound to be a few dated oddities in there… like Steeleye Span or Renaissance. You see… this has been a stumbling block of sorts in my life. No one I have ever been with jived with my musical preferences. I listen to what I was brought up with, and enjoyed it thoroughly. Frankly, I find most modern music to be abhorrent. Rap and most thing R&B I will pass on. To me, music is about the quality of the sound, the instruments, the beats, the lyrics and how they’re composed. All that said, Lady GaGa is this generation’s Madonna.
Every genre has it’s good and it’s bad, obviously. I don’t just blanket love everything antiquated. I’m still picky.
But who to share this excellent collection with? Ah, the greatest mystery of all. And not one that needs an answer anytime soon, hehe.
Speaking of mystery… I read a poignant and sharply worded reply from Jax to one of my earlier posts (on her blog, in reply to me, I suppose). I really wish she would have posted the rant as a comment so you all could see it. I don’t like judging things like this, because it takes away from an understanding of content/message. I’m not really sure what the hope is in retaliating, or getting all worked up about something anyone with eyes can see. I don’t get flabbergasted because I live in a tent, as though I’m somehow surprised by a truth I’ve known all along. I have selected my lot and am intent on sticking with it until “better” rolls around. That’s just me (which I guess is a destructive way of thinking, according to objectors). And frankly, this whole topic was never really open for discussion. You decided to respond in your own limited, dimensionless, usual capacity, and in such a way that seeks no resolution, but responds as a defense-mechanism (driven by rage) does; by lashing back and objecting to the points that are (quite) indisputable. I don’t argue when it comes to things that just happened one way and not another.
But she’s right that for a time, I would not help myself. This is true. I was so strung out on work, that I had pushed all my “self-worth” chips into the center and bet it all to win. Trouble there, is when I started to break down under the stress, I lost my identity as I lost a place to function at work. I let work be the column that held up my sky. Even in your somewhat deluded state, I know you can see how that job was my world, and it consumed me. And why is your reaction to my situation to abandon me? If I can’t hold myself up… hmmm… fuck him, we’re out of here! Right? Did it go another way that I’m not aware of? I was there too, IN CASE YOU FORGOT. I saw that when things were at their worst, you wanted out, and took the first solid exit opportunity you could. That happened. I don’t know how you make that turd smell better, but I applaud you for your efforts in trying.
Dr. Kower agrees. She said to me that she tried to stop the collapse by going with my med changes that I was recommending… but even she knew, based on what I was telling her every few weeks, that it was doomed to fail. That was hard, being effectively “squeezed-out” of my job and my disability’s symptoms were already charging back into my life.
So what does any of that matter?
I know some new things now that I didn’t know about myself. And I’m improving. To me, this all seems like I’m headed in a positive direction and whatnot. I’m not sprinting towards glory or anything, but who is really?
Your words, Jax, don’t carry the load of truth with them. Instead, they are eased with lies, misconstrued facts and bitterness of some form. I’ll not participate in the rhetorical exchange. It doesn’t matter to me anymore.
What’s really going on here is that the end of our arrangement has come, and now it’s time for a cool change.
You know I need your love,
You got that hold over me.
Long as I got your love,
You know that I’ll never leave.
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind–
And it’s been you,
Woman,
Right down the line.
I know how much I lean on you,
Only you can see.
Changes that I’ve been through,
Have left their mark on me.
You’ve been as constant as a northern star,
The brightest light that shines–
It’s been you,
Woman,
Right down the line.
I just wanna say this is my way–
Of telling you everything I could never,
Say before.
Yeah, this is my way–
Of telling you that every day I’m loving you,
So much more.
‘Cause you believed in me,
Through my darkest night.
Put something better inside of me,
You brought me into the light.
Threw away all those crazy dreams,
I put them all behind–
And it was you,
Woman,
Right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way–
Of telling you everything I could never,
Say before.
Yeah, this is my way–
Of telling you that every day I’m loving you,
So much more
If I should doubt myself,
If I’m losing ground.
I won’t turn to someone else,
They’d only let me down.
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind–
And it’s been you,
Woman,
Right down the line.
My life is pretty boring right now. With the potential for abrupt change waiting in the wings. It’s no way to go on functioning, I’ll have you know. Time is a tiger sinking it’s fangs into me.
I don’t really have to explain anything at this point. I’m not in denial over my lot. I’m taking myself and my illness seriously, and not just brushing it off like it was no big deal. That’s not my way. I’m prone to complain if things get bad. I’m going to let you know if something bothers me. I just prefer to be straight, rather than having to remember all the lies I told.
I guess I’m still grieving. It’s only been a couple months, and sometimes I simply burn with loneliness. There’s not much that can be done about that. I’m the guy who got used and discarded like so many candy wrappers. I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame, because I certainly helped get myself thrown out as junk.
I gamble big on people. And I lose, because most people out there are fucking idiots. I give my ex wife a lot more credit than she deserves sometimes. I hope you realize I do this because sometimes I hate myself more than what she did to me.
I just don’t get it.
But hey, I’m out here still alive despite my efforts. And I intend to stay that way and be more involved in the world than I have been before. These are acceptable goals.
I’m getting away from my mindfulness. Which has only helped me become a better negotiator with my thoughts. I guess I should really try and reiterate some of the things we’re learning about, as they have direct practical applications in my life.
I need this self-talk. It helps me make sense of my feelings. I get to experience them, and have them gain the recognition they so desperately seek.
I must confess to reading Jax’s blog. I shouldn’t have, because I find myself angered at her, again. This time, it was because leaving me was to be all about her “doing it by myself” and not needing anyone else to carry her. So she goes and gets attached to a new boyfriend. I mean, right? Who didn’t see that coming? I guess I’m not surprised. She’s transparent and shallow, as most non intellectuals are. She doesn’t even see the hypocrisy of her own belligerent actions. Not my concern much anymore. And I’d rather have my prevailing beliefs about Jax disputed, not confirmed. I hope the best for her, I really do. But I can’t really care that she’s doing the exact opposite of what she said she wanted when she left me.
Life moves on. Pain or no pain. Beard or no beard. We go, boldly.
I have been hammering out a build order in order to have competitive matches against the computer. I have now set the AI on Harder, and have begun really hunkering down on a tight sequence in order to do well. So, without further delay, the build order, such as it is:
Phase 1: Required Steps (0:00 through 2:30)
Builder set to automatically reenforce, builds 1x barracks (choose melee or ranged), 2x power generator
HQ set to build 2x squads of Stealthsuits, 1x additional builder
1st squad of Stealthsuits: Cap left half of map
2nd squad of Stealthsuits: Cap right half of map
1st additional builder: Wait for first strategic point capture, and build listening post, then second
Once 1st builder is done, build Path to Enlightenment (Tier I)
Phase 2: Choose A Path (2:30 – 4:00)
Once T1 is done being built, go the the HQ and recruit the Heavy Builder
At this point, you should run into opposition while attempting to cap points on the edges of your control. You may lose one or both squads of Stealthsuits. Whatever happens here is fine.
You should have 5 or more strategic points / relics capped and listening posts built on each
Build the Kroot Alphas, and reenforce them (feed your Stealthsuits to them if they are still alive)
Task all but 1 builder to build the geothermal/slag pit power generator. If you don’t have one on your map, build 2x additional power generators (for a total of 4)
Build either a vehicle / aircraft beacon.
Be prepared to crank out a few Vespids if the need arises.
At this juncture, you are being attacked, and the build order gets murky. I highly recommend going tier 2 with melee, as it’s cheaper, and getting 2-4 squads of Kroot Hounds out on the board. With the Path To Enlightenment upgrades to HP and attack power, they are really hard to stop. They reenforce up to 8 hounds and 1 alpha, and do nearly 300 damage per attack.
ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE:
I’ve won 2 in a row with ease against the HR computer. Typically what happens is my Stealthsuits run into opposition, and die fast, below the 4-6 threshold for capped points. So, the Alphas come in handy, because they can cap and hold ground AND beat on things hand-to-hand. Which I like. By the time I get into Phase 2, I have at least the Alphas out there eating anything they can find in the middle of the board. I’ve had them die to Tyranids in the early stages, but then again, I had also neglected to build a ranged commander to have the Alphas benefit from the communal power / toughness upgrades.
-Early commander Kroot Alphas
-Build 2x Vespids for cannon fodder, backup the Alphas
-Get some Barracudas or Skyrays out before more infantry (though you may have to spend more time MMing the Skyrays for them to be useful)
-Build 2x Kroot Hounds, set Krootox to autobuild, keep building a vehicle of some form as well
-Build / upgrade at least the ranged commander, so the other melee commanders will share the benefits.
These two games have had at least those things in common. I’ve noticed that Tau’s once upgraded melee infantry is fairly formidable. I can take down large tier 3 bases with 2 – 3 squads of Hounds and a Krootox or two to help out. The Alphas are still pretty weak, even after you fully upgrade them. So use them wisely. They make mincemeat of buildings and infantry but have difficulty with vehicles, which is why the Krootox are handy to have around.
I hope this abbreviated BO will help you with your faction, because the same basic principles can be applied to any single / double / triple resource army. I will be applying and modifying this original skeleton sequence and I’ll report any major developments, of course. Be well. Gladiators, I salute you.
Whistling thicket,
Yellow with sun,
Bound in days–
Numbered nights,
Heat to dry–
Pale shivers of air,
Spill their hot secret,
In honeycomb songs.
Driven bright–
Amidst towers to heaven,
Who’s tops brace the sky.
Peeling back rinds–
The acrid snap of time.
Twilight lies no more.
A blanket of darkness.
A cold crept up on toes,
Among sagas prevailed,
Hopes for the best,
While wearing a jacket.
I’m sitting here listening to some music and thinking about the last few skirmishes I’ve had with the computer. For me, gaming is about originality. I get tired of doing the same strategy over and over again. Even if I were to, let’s say, find a build order that is hard to beat, I’m going to monkey with it every time I do a round. Why? Because I keep the variables of the equation changing so I don’t get bored. I don’t want to associate boredom with my relaxing gaming time, and to some extent, it has become something of a stigmatized concept. I have no job or anything, so why should I be gaming? Why should I be enjoying the ample free time I have at my disposal, in lieu of filling it with responsibilities?
In large part, my worries and fears are appeased knowing that I am doing things, but factors are largely out of my control. I can contribute to the equation, but I don’t control the parameters. I know this in my head and don’t often suffer unduly at it’s hands. Really, these gaming articles I write are my menial gesture to attach meaning and worth to my recreational activities. I try to make as much of it as I can. I have no one to discuss game theory with. I have no human being to play with, or share any of these interesting thoughts and anecdotes. I’m pretty much just talking to myself here, but I guess I’m ok with that. I am getting something out of it.
Coming at last to the point of my article today: conformity of gameplay. I’m stuck here, because if I want to make the most use of the AI, I will need to dramatically adjust my comfortable build sequence I have already. I mentioned in a previous article that I had moved the Harder AI to Hard, because it was rushing at 4 minutes and giving me a hard time. Now I don’t know if the AI cheats to have units out on the field faster, but regardless, I usually never have anything around to purge the 4 minute threat with, so I surrender as tech 1 stuff peck my buildings to death.
I know there is an online community of gamers who play this mod. I have yet to set up a game because I know I will just get obliterated. I’m soft, because my style isn’t focused on victory as soon as possible. I will be ripped apart in a multiplayer match, as I have the wrong strategy for public play. I can change that though, and make a 4 minute rush prevention strategy of some form. I just really need to hammer it out in my head, and on the field.
I think I’ll have more scribbles when I try implementing this new approach. My hope would be to get the AI back to HR and still have fun.
I have given my confessional in music today. I present to you, the tribulations and constant upheaval that are a regular part of operations here. I give you, expression incarnate:
I neglected to include some very useful fellows in my previous assessments of the Tau Empire commanders. It’s true these commanders on the ranged side are intended to be the primaries, but these secondary units are wholly awesome.
First off, the best most quickly available unit for early game Tau is the Kroot Alphas secondary commander battalion.
Kroot Alphas (Command Squad). Level 8. +72. 5651 HP. Squad size = 6. Melee 47 – 65 / Ranged 29 – 37 damage. Cost: 240R/0P
So, +72? Mine had cannibalized two squads of stealth suits before I screenpcapped them. Obvious effects intended.
Nom nom nom. Anyway, They get a bit sparse here, relying on a sortof “great Bambino” reference to get them out of a tight spot. It’s down to one big ass mondo honkin major fucking unit.
Kroot Alpha Knarloc Rider (Secondary Commander). Level 8. 19634 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 600 – 800 / Ranged 400 – 500 damage. Cost: 1400R/0P
Obviously not a strong buy at any point before he becomes available, in tier 3. So be prepared to wait around for a suitable upgrade. It’s better to use these guys in conjunction with the ranged commanders, so you get a pretty diverse set of battle fronts.
Damn, right? Let’s not forget the ultimate master of melee here:
Great Ethereal (Commander). Level 8. 1415 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 208 – 282 damage. Cost: 305R/100P
Damn straight, and why not let him make a few punches, given that you are probably out front in the battle line somewhere with much bigger units, handling the big shit. Can’t leave the Ethereal alone for long, he’ll get obliterated. And no one wants that.
Sexy? No?
I think not. But he does get down and smack shit with his staff, which is kinda Gandalf and I dig that.
So ultimately, I see the functionality of Tau’s melee restrained only by the necessity for a ranged game. They have to have it, hanging over, in order to win by melee. It has to be joint, with a big melee directed assault. But in the end, you’ll see. I’ve tried melee alone, and when the vehicles come, it’s not fun to watch Vespids get annihilated by heavy duty shit. I hardly count the Vespids, but they have a purpose now and again.
I’ll keep you posted as the crucible continues. Getting these two leveled takes a good hunk of time, and how to distract my foe during this build up time is the next great mystery I have to solve.
I’ve had the AI on H lately. This usually spares me the 4 minute rush which cripples my economy. Instead, we engage later, once some units have started to pile up on the field. That would be my hope.
Tau Empire is interesting, because their melee component (which I so far have been neglectful to detail as I have the ranged tree) is largely misunderstood. With the right timing and applications, the Kroot can be the heroes in many a successful showdown with the AI. I win with Hounds mostly, making the backbone. They are a battalion of 9 including one Kroot Alpha to be their guide. Their damage is well over two hundred unmodified. I like their chances of feasting on anything you put in their way. With the leaping upgrade bought, they can close distance on ranged units nearly instantaneously. Then chew the living shit out of them.
I want to get a army paint-set together that flatters the special command units we get as a result of researching the melee tech tree with the Tau Empire.
I haven’t built the Alphas enough times to say I’ve used them well. I typically let them feed on the first few waves of things to roam by. Then it gets harder to keep them alive when vehicles show up. They are eager little shitheads aren’t they?
So, I’m working several strats where I build both melee and ranged tech structures, and level both tech trees through to tier 4. Just to see if the XV89 Bodyguards and Kroot Alphas will play nice together. I think they will.
I was happiest with Jax, I think. There was way more sex with Jennifer, but we always seemed to be on different frequencies. It was like, I only understood her sometimes. With Jax things were free, liberal, possible. I felt that with love as my guide, I’d make some serious headway against mental illness. It’s not fair to put that on a relationship. It’s my battle, and mine alone. Ultimately, I still have to go out there and function and prove it to myself. I want to be a part of the scene, open again. I want to be a part of a world that is only a few short steps away.
But I was happiest loving her. I loved her like she was a rare gem I found deep in the soot. I coveted her, to the point of trying to control outcomes, which is no bueno. I felt impending doom with Emelia. For whatever reason, I just knew we were doomed. I never felt that way with Jax. I figured she would just be there with me regardless of circumstance. I wanted that to be true, because I would have been there for her until the bitter fucking end. But that love was cut off by a permanent disconnect. Once those fuel cells are closed you can’t reopen them.
I write out of a prolonged ache. I want for a better life, I’m so driven for it that I’m driving myself crazy with enthusiasm for the next step.
I want patiently to be enrolled in the Department of Rehabilitation’s program so I can go to MHS and get help finding a job. Or better yet, if this NAMI tech support thing pans out, I’d be enthusiastic to be a part of that. I just wish something would happen, because the suspense is quite literally painful.
I am quitting coffee, I’ve decided. I’m gonna ween myself off it as the days go on. Yesterday was a zero coffee day, 2 cups this morning, nothing tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.
I am haunted by old sadness that doesn’t belong in my life right now. Guilt over a past said and done. I wish I could lift my eyes up to the sky and take hold of my dreams. I just need a little help here and there, but I think I’m doing it. I certainly hope I’m doing it.
I just want you to know that It’s a struggle, every day, to tolerate these unbelievably massive feelings of sadness and emotional pain. That some days you just suffer more than others. It’s neurochemical. It’s not because I did something wrong, it’s because my brain is sending the feel sad signal for no good reason. I just have to swallow it hard and keep moving forward. I have objectives in my life. Things I want to do, places I want to go. I can’t let momentary waves of fear and pain overtake my drive for progress.
Adieu blogosphere. Keep your eyes aimed high. You never know what’s coming up next.
I’m writing to you from a dark and unfriendly place. Where my emotions are overwhelming me and I can’t think straight about anything. Through the tears, I compose these words in acknowledgement of be being so low. You see, I’ve squandered friendships because of my oddities, my parameters and my limitations. I’m in the shadow of my regret and my feelings of genuine remorse for any pain I’ve caused. I can’t be the guy. I never wanted to be the guy, but somehow I feel like there was more to this than the first level appreciation of the physical. I cried, a lot, because I know I was getting too attached and involved. I made the mistake of getting in over my head, and I need a way back to higher ground.
This being largely my point, grief aside: the work of self reconstruction is still just getting underway and can’t handle the burden of an involved relationship of any kind. It’s too much for me to be responsible for, and I don’t want the mantle handed to me. I can’t do it. Or, I’m not ready to yet, give me a few months and see where I’m at then! I need to establish myself again in the world. I’m just so scared inside about disappointing people I care about. I don’t want to let the people who have been there for me down. I can’t let that happen. So as the tears from a deep undisclosed fear start to burn in my eyes, I’m reminded that Rome wasn’t built in a day. In other words, settle down turbo.
But Who am I? I have an identity out here through the various ways I try to express myself on this blog. Sometimes to excess. But It’s not my fault you tuned in to listen to wacko-radio.
I’m trying to stay positive. Everything is on hold today because it’s memorial day. I was expecting some mail but I guess it’ll have to wait.
My main problem is that sadness is just really accessible right now, so it’s hard to not be distracted by something and forced to write about the sensations. My sadness is both real and imaginary. Real because I’m truly humbled by the generosity shown me by my parents, and fearful of letting them down somehow. I know they have my back, but they want to see me succeed at life, just as I do. So we can all be happy with measurable goals being met and surpassed. I’m giving myself a hard time. I have to right my own ship before I can take on any passengers. And so it goes.
I just need to listen to some music and lose my head a bit in another land. Right now my body burns with sadness. I must be free of it. Music, energy of song, singing are all therapeutic. So here we go.
In pinched regret
Steeped in a fool’s fortune
Spattered with the tireless work of hate
A destiny bound to oddity
Sought after like glittering gold
Hold firm the line of self
It’s true place being bathed in sunlight
Whisked from the worry of time
Underneath, aloft with wings
I see the unfolding spiral beneath my feet
Dangling bare with heel-toes gripping
I sat upright for the sun
A dawn becoming an entire day
In revolving moments, where chance plays at circumstance
And the die are cast for yet another round
I’ve composed a musical through a fantastic playlist. The inspiration for this one just comes from a sense of awareness of where I am in my life and how I feel about the world. I’m spinning this as best a fledgling optimist can, so be prepared for a transition or two. To memories their respect, eh?
Coded by their moods and tempos.
THE EPIDEMIC OF INEVITABILITY
Buried thickets.
Obscuring wind.
Fragrance of flowers,
Dust on the pillow.
Whispered words.
Soliloquy of summer.
Turbid heat-risers,
Succulent tender-tastes.
Cactus prickles,
Hot breath run ragged,
Crumbling mountains climb.
West sun fading.
Deserted dusk-wraps,
Sealed with a dry kiss.
Peace.
Night is upon us.
Blasted sand-scrapes,
Whistle the chapped leaves,
Screaming bright sunlight–
Part the quaking clouds.
A wind of shushed whispers–
Moan through the ancients,
Riddled, splashed with colorful heat,
Time-scarred canyons–
Chalked to rubble like powdered bones.
Whisked down with rain–
A sandy mudpack crisping–
Choking on the last breath,
Cool, clean water, gone.
An imposing night,
Ceaseless, holding,
Red cheeks pitted–
Flushed.
Ever-dry against the gale.
Remembering the summits–
A shadow of itself…
Great in the memory of pouring mayhem,
Shattering the sky with billowing hate,
Slow-moving basaltic-hell unfurled,
Cascading down the slopes,
Petrifying the unsuspecting.
Ruptured earth-melting–
Bellowing an ashy-death,
Ruling all.
Lost.
Dead within.
Told in the story of stones–
And old rivers of electric blood–
Hardened, frozen.
Corked somewhere underfoot–
Bleached from its roots–
Distant from the source…
Standing with old peaks,
Going the way of history.
Saturday, May 24th at 12:00 am, something will happen to our planet that has never happened before. The Earth, moving at over 100,000 miles an hour around the Sun, will collide with a debris field left behind by comet 209P/LINEAR over 200 years ago. This is all happening largely because of Jupiter’s gravity having moved the debris into our path. The comet’s debris field would normally not be on our orbital plane otherwise. But it is now, and we’re all set to collide with it bearing the brunt of the action in the northern hemisphere, with radiant meteors coming down from the pole star (Ploaris). Ideal viewing for 2 hours starting at midnight.
For an astronomy nerd such as I am, these interstellar oddities tend to grab my attention. This is a rare event, and has the potential to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This “stuff” that the comet left behind on it’s course towards the sun has been sitting totally undisturbed in space for 200 years, and now it’s going to slam right into us. There is a chance for bright, possibly large meteors entering the atmosphere. I will be there watching it live, needless to say.
Meteor showers are usually not a big deal, as they are regular, occurring at fixed times in our year as we travel around the Sun. But this stuff we usually run in to has been in our orbital plane for a long time already, and survived several revolutions already, likely more. This new Camelopardalid meteor shower might easily be the best show in hundreds of years.
I’ve got my fingers crossed anyway. I’ll be watching live, and have a report no doubt, one way or the other.
I don’t know what to do sometimes. I don’t know how to make it right like it was never broken. I think that way of thinking is also done. But some part wants for the impossible.
To make a long story short: the backup hard drive with my exes stuff on it failed and can’t be read by recovery programs. Despite my best efforts, I could only recover pictures and files from the old laptop hard drive. That recovery returned 12 gigs of pictures. But it turns out that the pictures weren’t what she wanted. But that was all that could be done. We were out of options. When I told her that, she basically didn’t believe me, asked me to give her the hard drive so she could get a second opinion.
I suppose I should comply. But I was offended. Then she got all “my friend is a lawyer” at me and I gave up. I did the best I could. It’s like I’m not doing it right or something. Like she would know better than me? I was put off. So. Instead of retaliating, I withdrew. No shock there.
I’ll let things simmer down. See if a better solution presents itself.
I’ve had stuff to do lately. That’s been solid. Plus, I got a promising lead on a tech support job working for NAMI. I know, right? So the job description has yet to be written. But I’m on that like flies on shit. As soon as they post, I’ll apply. I’m feeling better and better, certainly capable of handling an increase in responsibility. I would be working in a great environment. I go down to the Hope Connections office tomorrow to schmooze. Should go well. I’m trying to stay focused on positive stuff. Not the stinky cheese.
I’ve been hitting it off with them lately. In the last 4 skirmishes, I’ve managed to climb my way up to tier 4 and roll the relic commander (Avatar of Khaine) on them. He crushes things with a calibrated fierceness. He has a special technology research upgrade only available once you hit tier 4, and even then, it’s 800R\800P. Yikes. But it literally doubles the HP of the Avatar of Khaine, and gives him some new nifties to play with.
Avatar Of Khaine (Relic Commander / Daemon). Level 8. 27000 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 1222 – 1421 damage. Cost: 1200R/0P (0R/0P After Upgrade)
So, at tier 4 he’s pretty much a game-ender. He smashes things to ruin quickly, with abilities that do devastating damage to EVERYTHING. He costs a lot to have around at tier 3, and he’s not nearly as useful as he becomes later on. Point being, if you get to use this guy, keep him alive until the tech is done researching, making him free to recruit again if he dies. But he’s probably not going to die. I had Tau fixed defenses and twice-upgraded listening posts to contend with, and in tier 3, he made mincemeat of everything in his way. He could not be stopped. What about the rest of the Eldar military? I have begun implementing a new strategy based on my success with the Tau. I started building and upgrading the Eldar core commander units, expanding into relic units. This has yielded several successful military campaigns, including a battle-line hold with the Farseer and Autarch only. The Avatar of Khaine is pretty handy if your economy is fucking awesome.
I held off 2 squads of Stealth Suits, 2 squads of Kroot Carnivores and a battalion of Fire Warriors. Just those two. How?
Farseer (Secondary Commander). Level 8. 4737 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 81 – 110 / Ranged 42 – 52 damage. Cost: 300R\60P
Autarch (Primary Commander). Level 8. 5928 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 69 – 106 / Ranged 42 – 52 damage. Cost: 280R\50P
The Farseer is an MM (micro-managed) unit, with a full toolbar of special abilities, that (when upgraded) deal huge amounts of damage in single shots or area of effect spells. She is devastating to vehicles (with abilities), and does well in melee combat, save a lower then usual hitpoint total. She’s not nearly as combat effective as the Autarch (who was clearly designed to kill things in melee combat). BUT WAIT! There’s a whole lot more.
Seer Council (Command Squad). Level 8. 7440 HP. Squad size = 12. Melee 77 – 96 damage. Cost: 195R\105P
A diverse collection of commander-class units. The Council can cap points, which is useful towards endgame. I et down to crippling the AI’s economy be destroying their posts and using the Seer Council to turn the points over to me. This will suffocate the AI with too few resources to match those fully upgraded command units.
Eldar are a thinking man’s army, because you need to pay keen attention to the Farseer if you’re using her in combat. Letting her die is not a good idea. She’s probably comparable to the Imperial Guard’s Psykers… but massively expanded in usefulness. I’m still making good of these command units, and probably misusing their true intended functionality. I have a feeling the UA camp would be unhappy with my playing style and whatnot. They are more competitive and victory-driven than I will ever be.
So, maybe I’ll do a command unit post for every race, or better, the ones I actually know how to use. These guys are vastly different from the Tau Empire army, but a fuck-ton of fun to play. Especially having a tier 3 ranged infantry unit (with D-gun upgrades for all 4 squad members). That’s just sick.
Ali dances and the audience applauds
Though he’s bathed in sweat he hasn’t lost his style
Ali don’t you go downtown
You gave away another round for free
Me, I’m just another face at Zanzibar
But the waitress always serves a secret smile
She’s waiting out in Shantytown
She’s gonna pull the curtains down for me, for me
I’ve got the old man’s car
I’ve got a jazz guitar
I’ve got a tab at Zanzibar
Tonight that’s where I’ll be
Rose, he knows he’s such a credit to the game
But the Yankees grab the headline every time
Melodrama’s so much fun
In black and white for everyone to see
Me, I’m trying just to get to second base
And I’d steal it if she only gave the sign
She’s gonna give the go ahead
The inning isn’t over yet for me
I’ve got the old man’s car
I’ve got a jazz guitar
I’ve got a tab at Zanzibar
Tonight that’s where I’ll be
Tell the waitress I’ll come back to Zanzibar
I’ll be hiding in the darkness with my beer
She’s waiting out in Shantytown
She’s gonna pull the curtains down for me, for me
I’ve got the old man’s car
I’ve got a jazz guitar
I’ve got a tab at Zanzibar
Tonight that’s where I’ll be
Turning to pockets
Lined with unwanted frogs
Drifted like a dead log
Marrow-stricken brown
Pulled and inclined
Tired but to try
Ready for the remedy
Turning jelly bananas
Under construction boots
Careless as a garbage
But free as a bag
I’ve been in music heaven of late. Tirelessly burning several hundred compact disks to my computer. A lifetime’s worth of music. I’m roughly half way done, and my library has 15 days of music in it. HALF WAY MIND YOU.
So, my nation has decided to attack that other playlist before they attack us. Again.
Therefor, we have this bastard child of my imagination and my estranged musical palate. It’s a monkey in the wrench. It leads you one way, and then goes somewhere entirely different. It’s a barf-roller-coaster-from-hell ride of joy, laughter and misery.
I sincerely hope you make this playlist and hear it all the way. I made it knida hard on you all with that track from the Quake 2 pc game soundtrack. Fucked story that one is.
I’m on Highway To Hell, and cruising along. See you on the flip side of today.
It’s like a little fire in me that won’t go out. It sits back there in the darkness and waits for the next rush of air to spark back to life. I can’t seem to stop this from happening, as well.
It’s hard. I was not expecting things to end the way they did. It has been tough. Trying to rebuild my life, repair my personality, restructure my independence. These things are quickly incinerated, tirelessly reconstructed, and newly appreciated.
I don’t want anything (thank goodness), and I have been penitent at every junction admissible. My random splatterings of hateful words are part of my process too. I have raw, heated feelings that will go quietly into the domain of the unacknowledged. Who else do I have to talk to about these things, save you out there?
I don’t expect to be received, understood and rewarded for having feelings. It’s up to me to understand why, and cope with the immediate. I’m yearning for the acceptance of love beyond my family. I endure despite hardship and stress and pain.
I’m not sure what to do. I have things I do actively. I participate and refrain from judgement as much as I can. This road I’m on is long and winding. I’m ready for the endurance test. I’m doing all the right things to make myself ready for the next stage of life ahead. I hope my practicing, discipline and effort carry me. I have hard work to show for myself.
I don’t know how my ex is doing, and I don’t know that I care. I would put time into finding out if I felt that would prove useful somehow. It really does not. I find myself hoping she’s ok and not struggling to survive or anything. She lost her job, I was told. So, I don’t really know how she’s going to make it out here. It’s hard to get a space in San Diego. Property values being high, and increasing the closer you get to the coast.
I’m already thinking about when I “move out.”
I imagine a charming studio somewhere in the east county. Where the property values aren’t so bazanga-fred.
$750 – $900 a month, depending on the location and circumstances. I have also been looking at small residences like guest houses and whatnot.
With regular, consistent employment, I see myself doing this in the next 2-3 months (ideally). My DoR intake done, I’m just waiting on their call so I can get started with the employment portion of my recovery.
This is possible, right? I can do this!
It’s doable. And more importantly, it’s something I really want and will not be happy until I have made that step.
I fret over being lonely and misunderstood. Sometimes a pain grows in me. Very deep. It bubbles up and makes me feel insignificant, wasted and broken. I don’t deserve that. But then, why does it still happen? Does some part of me demand to be heard over the din of positive things happening in my life?
I find that, if true, to be most unfortunate.
It’s not going to hamper my goals. My progress is PROVEN with FACTS. I do things. I take a step forward.
I have things to look forward to. Every day. No doubt.
So, thanks for letting me process some stuff. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head and no place to put them save out here, in the cyber-ether. Be well travelers.
Dawn breaks; there is blue in the sky.
Your face before me
Though I don’t know why.
Thoughts disappearing like tears from the Moon.
Waiting here, as I sit by the stone,
They came before me
Those men from the Sun.
Signs from the heavens say I am the one.
Now you’re here, I can see your light,
This light that I must follow.
You, you may take my life away, so far away.
Now I know I must leave your spell
I want tomorrow.
I’m bombing your nation before you can bomb mine. With music.
I’m feeling a great deal of things, so this CD kinda goes that way, zooming all over the emotional spectrum. Been thinking sad thoughts about Jax. Feeling my love rotting inside me. Not dead, but permanently damaged and losing ground to decay. It will eventually be dead.
I’ve had ups and downs. This CD just happens to cycle between the two at an insane speed. Welcome to MY WORLD.
I’ve found a way to have fun fighting with the computer and not be driven crazy every 4 minutes. With the AI on Hard, I have an easy 8 minutes to get my shit together before dealing with any major offensive. By 8 minutes, I’m going tier 3 and probably have some units in play already. I’m finding I peak at tier 3, with 2/4 economy upgrades purchased for both power and requisition. I’m rolling along if that’s the case, and can afford to repeat-build a preferred unit or two. With Eldar, I go Warp Spiders and Fire Dragons from two separate barracks. Tau Empire sees XV8 Crisis/Sunfire Suits and Hammerhead Gunships. Imperial Guard gets Kasrskins and (INSERT TANK-OF-THE-WEEK HERE). Fire dragons take care of structures much more effectively than a Nightspinner, so I go with them. For my success, the approach has been to solidify the economic standing of my colony, then begin peaking with units around tier 3 so I’m not wasting resources on units that are going to die quickly. Even upgraded and reenforced, It’s sad to see tier 1 stuff going against my Wraithlords. It goes poorly for them.
It’s not as clear cut as that. Orks tend to get into my perimeter by the 5-6 minute area, which can be problematic unless dealt with. I’ve found myself leaning on fixed defenses for some early-game cushion. I set listening posts on perimeter requisition points and then build a cluster of fixed defenses right on top of it. i will do this usually to two posts with a map-edge to protect flanking approaches. With two points fortified, I can spend resources on upgrades and technology. I get my requisition and power gains both leveled twice, so my economy can take a repeating build queue from at least two structures and afford me some leftover resources to buy more upgrades. I find that it takes time to get to this point, at least 7-10 minutes. Usually it happens that about the time my tier 2 opponent has started causing me worry, I’m in a place where I can draw back, coil, and strike. I hit the ground with leveled and deadly units usually built to a counter of some sort, so I can address what the enemy has already shown me, and act appropriately.
I these games, which run from 16 – 22 minutes, I’m able to do all the things I want in the RTS gameplay experience. It’s a fragile balance often upset by being dealt a slightly more aggressive or passive AI personality. I fins Orks, Tyranids and Chaos Space Marines are all pretty aggressive (respectively). Nercons, Sisters of Battle and Tau Empire are all a bit slow on the ground game. They tend to be slow when measured to when I end up peaking, which is usually a win if I make it farther along than they do come scrapping time.
I’m lacking a significant anecdote which relays this point effectively. I have only a few skirmishes to make my new-found assessments. I am curious if there are different approaches to handling the skirmish AI? Though, I am weary from the thought of playing new human opponents… I know the transition is shocking and vastly different from the AI (see, predictable).
The great quandary of these games comes from two human minds competing on these arena floors. Every game then truly being the result of a collision of two chaos-driven engines or creative inspiration. There are surely more reasons to record games when you have human foes: the games requiring explanation are often because they’re hilarious.
I’m going to switch away from the Harder (HR) AI and go back to Hard (H). Why? Largely because the AI on HR has managed to really piss me off.
Elaborations: I’ve been testing my wits against the computer for some time now, and for the most part, I’m pleased. On HR, the AI makes a really annoying decision to rush every single game at he 4 minute mark. I call this approach, a rush because it’s all Tier I stuff, and it usually accomplishes the goal of forcing me into a surrender. 4 minutes in? You are killing me with T1 shit and we’re 4 minutes in? Really?
I don’t like this. What’s the point of having 4 tiers of technology and units if YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GET TO USE ANY OF IT? If your whole big plan is to harass my economic buildings in the first 5 minutes of the game, you will certainly win, but have we played a game at all… or did you just get off on killing me? Victory being the goal which surpasses enjoyment.
I find this approach retarded. Why not actually play the game? The rush strategy annoys, and cripples your foe quickly, taking them out of the game entirely and leaving you to play-sturbate all day long through the ruins of their base. When I play, I avoid the rush altogether. There’s no way I’m determined on “winning” enough to compromise my methods. I will get there in my own sweet time, probably having a lot of fun doing it, while allowing the precious seconds to tick tock by. I’ll see you in 20 minutes.
The AI wins 75% of my games now because I am to stubborn to counter the rush. I want to play MY FUCKING WAY. And then I get killed and I get all flabbergasted.
On H, the AI does not rush, or if they do (often times with the Orks), they run away just as fast to any fixed defenses you lay down. Or even upgraded listening posts. AND THAT’S THE WAY IT FUCKING SHOULD BE. Who wants to sit down, get comfy and then get massacred in 3 minutes and be forced to go do something else. I don’t suck at RTS games, but the AI certainly makes me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I have to change that. Even if it means longer, less interesting games, I’ll just play on bigger maps and give the H AI a chance to expand and get into the tech tiers.
I’ll let you know how that goes as soon as I have a data set later today. Probably after my NAMI meeting.
Dear Jax,
I’m composing this letter to address some of the things I did while we were married. These things created a burden or caused us to separate further in our distancing from each other as we fell out of love. I want to take responsibility for my deeds enacted, because it matters to me that I have a handle on what not to do for the future. I want to be clear in objective as well: I’m trying to clear my slate of guilt and regret. I’m not here to supplicate. I know I was wrong, I know it. That’s a tough thing to swallow. I am only too keenly aware of my shortcomings in the arena of relationships.
I want you to know that I thought we “had it all,” for what it’s worth. We may have some things glaringly not synced, but the large portion of that disconnect is not vital to maintaining love. Love comes from a place of strength and reassurance within. I know now that I did not love myself when I was with you. You often told me that this was the case, often asking me how I could love you if I did not love myself. I never had an answer.
Also, from the beginning, I never gave you the space to have your feelings. You DESERVE and have the RIGHT to express exactly what you feel. I was always scared of trauma relived, because I know that trauma pain never gets any better when it gets looked over. It needs validation, and being rejected by me and argued with because of your feelings is not good either. I couldn’t handle unregulated expression, because I was not strong enough to hold your feelings and not freak out. I just thought they were harmful, not good, and rejected them rather than pay them the attention they deserve. I was judging, when I should have been listening.
We are ineffective communicators of important information to each other. We had feelings and things that were exclusive; I never told you about the real struggle I was enduring, the slow ups and downs of the disorder… and I felt like you probably kept things from me too. I believed our mutual illnesses could have been the strength that united us. Instead, we kept our mental health problems a secret and tried to pretend it was ok regardless. I know I did this to try to maintain stability, versus making myself even more of a burden on us. I know I was the needy one. I “needed” more than you did, because my illness goes deeper and affects me more than yours does to you. This is not a derogatory comparison, it’s just true. I am more needy than most, because I can’t always support myself. Sometimes things just rot, and rot some more until the pain becomes too much to bear silently.
I should have given you the space to be yourself, and sometimes I felt like I crowded your life with my presence. I had to have control, though, this issue became lees and less an issue as time marched on. As soon as my symptoms started coming back, all bets were off. I relapsed into the familiar, the need to exercise control over my life, because my emotions were all over the place and no one could keep the lid on.
All in all, I let you down. But you let me down too. You did sign up to be in a relationship with a mentally ill guy… and I thought that was a grand idea. We SHOULD be the best stewards of ourselves, and we were not when the moment counted. I disappointed, with my illness coming full force into my life and wrecking everything it touched. It went on uncontrolled and had very little in the way of resistance in it’s struggle to take over.
I know what kind of life I CAN HAVE while still being mentally ill. I need a place willing to bend with my moods, be forgiving and understanding, and above all, patient. Despite all this “me taking responsibility and whatnot,” I can’t help but wonder why. Why did this one fight, this one moment of collapse, sadness and despair have to be the thing that splattered my life like a watermelon out a window? It didn’t have to, but I sense you may have been looking for a way out for a while, and this moment happened, and it was just an opportunity taken. You could be free, and so, you chose to be free. I know it’s a hard, unforgiving reality you’ve embraced. It must be difficult to go and do your life, and I’m so unbelievably sorry to have forced you (in some part) to the decisions you made. I didn’t do the things I needed to do to keep myself healthy, let alone the both of us. So, our relationship failed.
I’m not asking for anything. That time is gone. I write this for my own reasons, to expedite the process of recovery from the deep resonating sadness infecting my life today. I expect and want for nothing. I have to go forward, bearing in mind the mistakes and problems I’ve had. I still have a life, and it still demands to be lived, every day.
I’m processing. This letter is one among many outpourings of my tortured soul to try and make sense of the harsh realities of living while mentally ill.
Today’s theory is: Navy. Some RTS games have it, some do not. What does it accomplish? What is the theory of it’s use? How do you do Navy?
Naval units, if available, represent a very unique factor in some maps. If you map is landlocked, then no, you have no reason to worry. If you play a mix, and do allow for the presence of water, navies are powerful weapons and command a new approach to achieving victory. If a strategy game was like a jigsaw puzzle, water would be all one big giant important piece. Like owning all of Asia in Risk. It’s almost totally essential to give water your utmost attention. Water, like I said, is all one big piece. It has no battle-line, and things roam about on it freely. Willy-nilly, you might say. It is therefore, essential to bring ORDER to this fragmented land. YOU MUST OWN THE WATER.
Let’s just be super dooper clear: own the water. To win on a water map, OWN THE WATER. The water is one connected piece of property. To own it is to also possess a firing line into everything that water touches. Secure the edges of the water, keep a dock or some such from being built, and wa la! Victory! To top it off, navy units are often OP (overpowered). They have like 6 guns that do different (yet bad) things to anything that happens to be dumb enough to wander by aimlessly. Navy units DISH OUT punishment. And are beefy. Considering all these factors, and the power that owning the “water piece” of the puzzle unlocks, it seems foolish to disregard the water.
So, games that allow water are great. Games that do not, of have neutered navies (See Battle for Middle Earth II) should probably be considered on a different plateau of sub-genre of RTS games. They narrow this potion probably because of a gimmick of some kind that would make navy units unfeasible.
Anecdote: Today I was playing Age of Mythology: The Titans. Because it’s cute and fun. Anyway, I was on an islands map (implying that two lad masses are permanently separated/surrounded by water), and had 3 docks all slamming the fishing nodes all around my island, but I had pinched the spaces between the islands; having two big globs of navy units on either side. There was no way to get into the water between our bases, as a result, and I then piled up ranged siege ships along the inmost coast separating our two islands. I pounded AI’s base flatter than hammered shit. Surrender came BEFORE I even mounted the ground assault. I had 50+ units boarding transports and preparing to disembark when he called it quits. OWN THE WATER.
It’s pretty much the key. Some games do hover units. Yeah. Still, own the water. Navies represent some of the most ridiculous units spanning multiple games as examples. They crush regular units by the handfuls. Even in lamafied versions of navy, they are rare, and worth getting because they then allow you to control a piece of the map that is unlike anything else. One big piece to rule them all.
Control the water, and reinforce your economy to handle carrying the added burden of a navy. If it’s available (even if it restricts the type and variety of ground unit you can make), add water to your battlefield.
For you, this only means one thing: if there is water, you must fucking own it.
I don’t have a task (or two) to line up today, so, I get what is effectively an “off day” from my “hardly rigorous” schedule. I shouldn’t be too disparaging, because I have good things to report on many fronts. I got involved with NAMI here in San Diego, and at the Easy County Mental Health Services building they hold meetings weekly (Friday 12:00 – 1:30) called Recovery Connections. I was REALLY active in the group this time. I had so many left over bad feelings from that DBSA peer support thing I had been going to on Thursdays. I went 5 times, and 2 times it was a total whiff, with the group’s attention focused on one person’s crisis, and all conversation and energy drawn to it. I was not there to help someone sulk, or pity themselves, or try and dig someone out of a hole they helped put themselves in. Acknowledgment and acceptance of responsibility are KEY to my involvement in providing assistance, and if you and I can’t agree that you’re in the business of helping yourself, I’m not going out on a limb for a total stranger. Sorry.
I want to go to groups so that I can give AND TAKE something back for myself. If people are willing to contribute on an advanced level, follow some pre-set rules, then everything should work out nicely. The DBSA meeting on Thursdays has no coordinator from an organization of any form, it’s (therefore) peer-led. Which is not any good, because there is structure that is present in a managed circumstance that is brutally absent in peer-led arrangements. No one respects a peer leader, or any rules (it seems). But I digress; the real issue here is that I was active, free with my thoughts, and liberal with my commentary during this highly-rewarding group session. Cynthia and Red were our hosts, and they made the group active, flow nicely, enforced rules / time constraints and basically did everything one needs to in order to lead a group solidly towards noticeable objectives. I learned the value of my mindfulness practice (reenforced from life skills), and had some great insights from peers about how to manage stress and anxiety with meditation. And I had great things to add, and topics to bring-up. It went really well, so I am pleased and will be going back weekly.
On top of all that, another NAMI group member invited me to a “highly intellectual” DBSA meeting being held on Tuesday evenings in the same location as the other one I attended. Not bad. I’m clearly making strides to being more high-functioning. Other people are noticing, even. So this is all good news. I will have a new group to go to at 6:30 Tuesday evenings weekly. I’m just really excited about the direction my life-world is headed, and I can’t tell you how good it feels to have the drive and will to succeed. It is wholly empowering and reinforces good behaviors and thought-patterns.
But today is an “off day.”
My mom is going to put art to some of my poetry. I have the task of going through them and finding ones that would make for that sort of physical inspiration. A lot of my poetry dives deep into my symptoms, and that’s not necessarily a fun thing to read about. So, I’ve got other poem “genres” and the task of sorting through the 80+ samples is now up to me.
I’ll let you all know what the outcome is, but I think it will be pretty smashing.
When I wake up, it is to the outside air. Every morning, I roll out of my futon which is enclosed in a tent-structure which attaches itself to my parent’s RV awning. It’s like living outside, because IT IS LIVING, OUTSIDE. I get up and make a fresh pot of coffee and sit down at my computer. Lately, I’ve been reading a few blogs, or articles on Google science’s page. I have to admit I look at Jax’s blog, mostly because she promised “a post a day” on the 2nd. Albeit, she hasn’t followed through, I still check in in case there is a gasp of life or new content for me to process. I do this “check-in” infrequently, but still do it, because I’d rather be deaf than blind. And she promised new content… damnit…
Afterwards, I will take some time and see if I have a blog post in my head somewhere. Sometimes I do, sometimes not. After about 9:30 or so, things get moving. Of late, I have had obligations to 2 new groups (Life Skills and NAMI Peer Support), weekly therapy, biweekly psychiatry visits, friends to hang with and fishing / walking around staring at a lake. These are CLEARLY not sufficient to sustaining life, but will do just fine for the time being. On a good day, when I have things going on, I’m busy from morning until mid-afternoon. This is huge, because it’s the downtime that’s killing me. I feel so utterly useless sometimes, like I’m waist deep in the mud and sinking slowly. I strive for full / part-time employment so my time is spent making money, not evaporating into the air of wasted moments.
During the day, I try to take time to practice my mindfulness skills I’m learning about. I’m trying to just OBSERVE myself, or moments in which my emotions are in flux. I breathe, in and out, slowly, and FEEL the air passing through me, slowly, slowly. It’s both relaxing, and good practice for settling my mind. I have a lot of ADD symptoms now, since I’ve abandoned treatment of this portion of my disorder. It’s too risky to treat, frankly.
While going through my day, I do the best I can at my tasks and responsibilities. I try hard. Which is a reward in and of itself. My life requires a certain sense of vigilance.
In the evening, I smoke with my Dad and we usually watch a movie over dinner. Bed time is around 8:30 – 10:00. It varies, depending on how long I hang around not being tired enough to sleep. I play little games on my iPhone. Sleep takes me to a dreamless land of solace, peace, quiet and rest. So often my nights are haunted by vivid dreams, but since regular smoking, that has faded. Marijuana takes the dreams away for some reason, and provides me with precious undisturbed tranquility.
As you can see, I’m trying to let my actions do the talking for me. I’m looking forward to having yet another increase in my responsibility level when DoR approves me and I can go to MHS and get employment help. I want to get back in the fold. I want to be active, independent and adult. I’m working hard to meet those goals, slowly, at the speed that best ensures success and relinquishes me of the burden of struggling alone. I am doing so well, getting so much stronger, every day, and I’m very glad for that.
I hope YOU can see the change. I can. My writing has become deeper, my words less about trivial circumstance and more about the work that goes in to building a life. That’s my ultimate objective: restoration. Be a part of it by reading!
Buried thickets.
Obscuring wind.
Fragrance of flowers,
Dust on the pillow.
Whispered words.
Soliloquy of summer.
Turbid heat-risers,
Succulent tender-tastes.
Cactus prickles,
Hot breath run ragged,
Crumbling mountains climb.
West sun fading.
Deserted dusk-wraps,
Sealed with a dry kiss.
Peace.
Night is upon us.
I had another random draw against Space Marines, and I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they didn’t do the same shit they did before: leading commander early on victory condition: assassinate.
Not the brightest maneuver, but entertaining! I got him this time with a blob of Gun Drones standing near a relic which had been upgraded with defenses. So it may have been a combination of both, or perhaps he was trying to get away from something, and stumbled on to the Gun Drones accidentally? Whatever the reason, I was not even watching when it happened, so, speculative based on the map at the end of the game. But still dead, and early. We were at 9:45 when he died. I was still working on Tier III. So, moral of the story is UA wasn’t coded to handle that victory condition, and should only really be used against human foes.
Speaking of which, I have no one to game with, and no real way to game with anyone on this limited use data plan. My internet is my iPhone’s hotspot, and up to 5GBs of usage. I can’t stream game content, and I can’t multiplay, so, RTS has been a lifesaver, because it’s been an adequate source of entertainment whist not being able to play with anyone else. I should like to get back into competitive gaming. It was tons of fun when I was healthy enough to manage it. I wanted to play UA all the time with Will but I was so damn tired from working that we rarely got in a game. And we still have never, together, played 1.73. I was looking forward to that so much, and we never even talk about it anymore. My life and his have gone different directions, and he’s not as lonely, and I’m harder to get a hold of. I guess things come and go. Maybe we will line up again soon, and I’ll be in a place where we could all have big multiplayer dates with our cyber-friends who all play 1.73. It’s a dream of mine, to some day be back in my own place, with fast internet, and be able to have my own bubble, and do with it what I pleased. I could call people up and have LAN parties. I could buy us all pizza and we could drink PUB and have a good time. Or something. Anyway.
I think since 1.73 really balanced things out nicely, assassinate is GOING to be a lot of fun once I can get settled somewhere where I can game again. Freely.
I appreciate time spent playing games when I’m BREAKING FROM SOMETHING. Going from “idle” to “play” is not any fun, because it has no reward. No fun, because it didn’t take anything at all to earn it. I didn’t EARN this down time! I’m stuck in it as procedural events take place in my docile life. I’m largely bored, looking for things to do to light me up inside, and I’ve taken to writing more (clearly) and also exploring game theory. It’s not been work, and it’s not been UTTERLY wasted time, but I am unhappy with the way things are and determined to change. I want games to be a rewarding break from the monotony of labor. And they will be again some day.
For now, I’m just making the best sense of what I have to work with. I’m so limited right now, still growing outwards, but getting better and more proactive all the time. It’s been hard to do, but good work is being done, and I’m glad.
My video game multiplayer dreams are not dead. Not by a long shot. I look forward to when they will be coming true.
Finally, make it 7 RTS titles installed, adding Age of Mythology: The Titans to the arsenal today. Silly.
I’ve had some time to sit here and think, which has lead me to a point in which I desire advancement. I’m not happy with where things are in my life, and I’m feeling more and more capable of handling a larger load of responsibility. I can get myself places, and I’m never late. I have my DoR appointment today and I’m super excited to be a part of their program. I just know this is going to help me find and keep a job, which will only further catapult my life into a new successful direction.
I don’t have much in the way of nagging negativity. Jacqueline experienced that first hand when she came over here; I got super anxious and lost my cool when I started feeling like garbage because I was doing nothing of immediate importance. But as a good friend will, she listened and understood, and gave me a bit of a reality check so I could get my face together again. A good thing, because I was looking at a slow day where I couldn’t accomplish much of anything, and to bear that time feeling anxious about it is a subscription to misery. I desire to avoid undue suffering, so I kept myself occupied cleaning up stuff and making the place look fresh for my parents (when they were to come home).
I ended up going out to see my parents Sunday night at Lauren & Mike’s house in the Mission Beach area. It was nice to just get out and drive somewhere, to have an appointment to keep. It helps with establishing relevancy, which has become the crux of my struggle to establish a new identity since Jax. It’s working, I’m glad to say. I’ve seen unprecedented, uninterrupted growth for consecutive weeks and onto months. I’ve advanced my life and my goals incrementally, but still progressing along. Soon, big changes are headed my way, like employment, housing, medical coverage… all in due course. Either way, I’m still excited about what is coming. This week has been the busiest so far, which is a good sign. And from here on out, I’m looking at having something concrete to achieve nearly every day of the working week. I have classes, groups and medical appointments to go to, as well as anything new that happens to pop in to my life. Exciting times, yes yes.
I wanted you all to know, first hand, that your acknowledgment and support through Likes and Comments to this blog or its posts has helped me tremendously. To have my words recorded is fine, therapeutically, because it makes my thoughts become focused and real, and gives them a place to exist outside of my mind. I do this with negativity as well, venting carelessly, and yet, you still read and process with me. I can’t tell you how honored I am to have over 300 of you out there who follow, or used to. It’s a pleasure to write, for me, and it’s working out nicely that I happen to be good at it, and therefore, enjoyable to be read. I will continue my creative expression as long as it has a use for me, and to date, it always has presented me with a chance to “let out” something I may have been keeping inside. Be it for good or evil, it will always be my live journal, marked by the cockamamie inscriptions of this, a lunatic mind.
Farewell travelers
This “self-exploitative” exercise 3 months running is designed to capture my state of mind in music, as best I can describe my circumstance and emotional health. I try to make each album a narrative journey of some kind, not based on the obvious like lyrics or titles. I observe tone, content, message, theme. Then I place songs next to each other forming tonal journeys through the highs and lows of the prearranged songs. So there you have it, and this month composition is listed below, color coded with thematic/tonal designations implied.
May Mood Album: Introspelunking Adventures, HO!
There was an unprecedented change in the pattern today: leaving me stunned, truly.
I should preface by saying I have a great 6 game selection to chose from right now, and below I have them ranked in order of preference:
Ultimate Apocalypse 1.73.4 for Dawn of War: Soulstorm (UA)
Edain 3.8.1 for Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch-King (BfME2)
Total Mayhem 1.2 for Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance
Improvement Mod for Age of Empires III: The Asian Dynasties
Units Compilation Pack for Total Annihilation
Age of Empires II HD: The Forgotten
I’m in the top 3 pretty much exclusively right now. Mostly the top 2. I have been hungering for a decent gameplay experience. I also like Battle for Middle Earth II (BfME2), because I can still drink coffee and play. I never use the alt-key for waypointing in BfME2. Never use it, never found a need other than in great emergencies. It’s half-useful, because there’s no way to waypoint a build command, and virtually no need to do so. It’s fast enough to be played without a waypointing system, because units are easily selectable across the map, and given large-scale orders as this game is combat driven. It stands alone.
So, back to the meat of the topic at hand here. A pattern is a good thing, until it’s not. I have been spending some time getting ready for Jacqueline’s visit, and playing some UA. I have left the Victory Condition: Assassinate enabled, because this is how I’m going to start teaching the genre to her. It’s going to break down into a lesson-plan, which I will detail below the anecdotal area here in this article.
Anyway, With assassinate enabled, I’ve had shorter games. Overall, about the same competitive nature, but with a little less dilly-dallying and kiting. They just attack, full boar, or they fail and retreat for long periods of time. The commander is a no show until the twilight of the game. At which point his surfacing has no impact and is the last thing to happen before the AI is defeated. Boo to that.
I put the AI on random, you know, to keep it real. Sometimes I go LONG stretches without being dealt a certain civilization to face. In this case, I had gone several dozen full games against the random AI with victory condition: assassinate, and never once faced the Space Marines army. Never once. And when I did, something UNREAL happened; they defied the convention and LEAD WITH THEIR COMMANDER. I found him wandering out in the open, firing on my early capping squads, without support units backing him up and probably not far along the road to upgrade-ville. But her was out there, and I was having to deal with him, which is like… woah, what the fuck is this? What are they doing?
Sadly, my skeptical side was proven correct here as the SM commander ate it on my first real offensive push into their ground. He ran into my “secondary commander” battlesuit squad unit and was toast. 3 against 1.
So that game ended oddly. And early, like 8 minutes or some garbage. It was not my intent to end the game, but the AI was just whipping it out there, la dee da. Something had to be done. We don’t stand for that kind of behavior.
As far as a lesson plan goes, I am using UA as the platform game, because the universe can be disregarded entirely, leaving you with a core-game that has features and methods of gameplay that can be taught and consistently applied across races, leaving plenty of room for individual expansion on the stylistic front. To me, the teaching is only about HOW to do the first few steps to get you to a position to make bigger, more exciting decisions. Like: where are these battalions going to go? Or, what are my point defenses firing at? Consistency is being able to get to the place of fun, action and deciding shit, BY having a sound foundation. I build quickly, concisely and make sure to strengthen my economy constantly, as it provides the backbone to my flexibility of choice. There are only a few fundamentals that need to be taught:
Alacrity. Make decisions about what to do and don’t waste time doing them. Time is the final opponent.
Balance. Achieve equilibrium of resource gain and protective growth. Your survival is dependent on how you spend the resources you acquire.
Cunning. To be fast in reacting to what is played against you, and ability to react to a unique environment.
If you can handle doing that, you should be fine. More than fine is, in this genre, developing a “method to the madness.” You’re ultimate goal is to decide how you’d like to impart doom on your foe. With flair? From over there?
I prefer range, but that’s just my cup of tea. You may decide everything tastes better when you set it on fire. Who am I to judge.
For the time being, I continue my diligent research into the twisted behavior of the pattern-breaking AI and have yet to fully determine if I’ve narrowed the anomaly to just SM, or if others may be affected as well. Time being the culprit of my truth. Put that in your peace-pipe and smoke it.
Aligned to grid
A jolted scale
Turbulent the measurement
Or hand-waiving heat
Sends rocket numbers
Across charts and minds
And tables overturned
In pallid debate
With outcomes unclear
Muse cast a new sky
For lines and lore
And weather adored
Neurochemically Challenged 
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