Unchecked

I had been feeling very untethered or adrift lately. I was without focus or clarity as to my path forward. Time was spent attempting to properly ascertain what I could do to get out of my funk.

Good self care is about using the right tool when you need it. I found myself turning to music a lot, and songs that invoked an emotional response. This helped me re-live my feelings that I had been suppressing, and memories I had been hiding. It’s better to try and deal with things upfront, I’ve always preached. Now I need to do a bit of that for myself.

I moved on to having good discussions with my therapist and mom. Mom had a bit of a breakdown and I had to deal with a pyroclastic flow. I decided to do a daily check in with her about mental health and good strategies for expression. That introspection is helpful for us both. I need there to be tranquility in the environment in order to have a shot at thriving.

I tried a bit of poetry. It’s not really my flavor right now. I need an outlet. I tried gaming, but I’ve lost the taste for that as well. I just feel like there is something else I should be doing. LIke I’m not allowed to play or something. I think I have this problem with the whole “work at home” phenomena. I need “work” time and “play” time and a way to re-enforce those boundaries.

Overall though I feel a mix of sorrowful, disconnected and lost. I tried all these things and still there is this fog hanging over me. I had a future that I’ve completely lost sight of, and it’s not coming back. I need to do something to reframe so I can emerge from this haze.

Settle

The dust of transition is beginning to settle in a very literal sense. I have moved, past tense. The purge of stress is complete and I am riding the wave of accomplishment.

My ablative self has come back to Earth. The crater smolders and yet there is regrowth. New plants are forming all the time. Little yellow flowers blooming.

What to do? Settle in and survive the virus. Priority one.

Priority two: get K to CA

Next is yet to be.

The Ablative Self

Even in the midst of devastation, there are morsels of undiminished goodness in there too. I am feeling recognized, appreciated and gratified. By melting off my exterior sadness, I have opened the way for something new. The light of possibility shines again!

I did not like being discarded, but it is refreshing to be found once more.

I know why, yes. But now I don’t have to fret over my status but rejoice in the change of it.

So

Nothing about this is beyond the realm of understanding. It’s never been about irrationality. Good to have it for as long as is possible, then, no more. Death.

I can’t control anything but who I am and where I direct my attention. Time to mourn, and move forward. Survival is stronger than greif.

Perilous. The road is filled with tears. But redemption also.

COVID-19

I, along with countless others, share a general sense of unease at the arrival of this novel coronavirus on the world stage. At the time that I write this post, over 88,000 have contracted it with 3,000 dead. 102 confirmed cases in the United States with 6 dead.

That doesn’t seem at all like pandemic territory, considering the flu has killed 16,000 this season alone. But…

COVID-19 did all that in a little over three months, not an entire season like the flu had. COVID-19 kills 2% of those infected, which is a higher rate than the flu. The global PR machine has been working overtime to spin calm and complacency, but is there any reason to be?

What I see is a rapidly expanding bubble, touching more people than the governments of the world can account for. The bubble infects some that can be explained or traced, and then others who we have no idea how they contracted the virus. These “community” infections are most troubling because they represent an unhinged aspect to the spread which could accelerate into the aforementioned pandemic territory.

I don’t fear for myself, but I do fear for others. I’m unlikely to die from COVID-19, but my parents are in jeopardy due to their age. The novel coronavirus is being downplayed in a way that is largely CYA and less about informing the public of the very real possibility of a much bigger, life-altering event that would reshape how our daily activities are conducted.

What gets me is that we have now made this arbitrary potential pandemic a political issue, like it’s somehow reflective of our absurd politics and not the result of a new infectious pathogen randomly appearing on the global stage. This is not Donald Trump’s fault, nor is it the fault of the Democratic Party. We all need to pull our heads out of our asses and look straight ahead.

Lean times might be coming soon, and we are fools for believing that the divisive rhetoric of the past conflicts will serve any propose in the epidemic to come. Right now would be the best time to pool resources, keep people informed and work logically to halt the spread of this virus as best we can. People will die because our discourse can’t be honest or rational enough to tell us the truth about the crisis looming on the horizon. We will not be pacified and deluded, only to be taken by surprise when the shit hits the fan. Wake the fuck up and start telling it like it is. We deserve your honesty; our lives are at stake.

So people: no need to horde face masks and hand sanitizer. No need to blame your political rivals. We only survive if we are smart and aware together. We will prevail if we work collectively to stay informed and safe. Sadly, this will not be the case, and our petty politics will intrude upon the truth with thousands of lives as the final consequence.