I haven’t been here in a bit since things are going very well. I have found real love again; the giddy and fluttery variety. It’s been 7 years since I felt this way, and I haven’t even touched her yet.
I just need to continue to stay focused on my life and my responsibilities, which I am doing a good job at.
So much good is happening beside the stagnation of tragedy. It’s difficult to comprehend sometimes.
I’m going to give this a try having done an LDR once before with the wrong person. In this new arrangement, there’s plenty to be happy about, and no frantic rush to implement. This scenario is FORCED to start off with knowing, friendship and the accumulation of trust before lives come together. It’s perfect for me!
But having someone to talk to every day who is keeping track of my life… that has invaluable worth. If nothing else, I feel significantly less alone than I did a few days ago. It was nice having “A” but “K” is a much better fit for my life and personality. We are common in our desire to achieve, strive and excel. What an inspiration! I think I made “A” into more than she was, but that veil didn’t shroud the truth of her motivations indefinitely. K is flamboyantly, attractively assertive and in-control of her own outcomes in a way I find irresistable.
So here’s to 2,400 mile friendships and the possibility of something more years down the road.
I should think about making friends who can keep track of my life rather than pining for intimate companions. That’s why I think proximity is an issue. I’d like to be friends with someone far away, like W, who can look in but not be close enough to be a temptation for something more.
I get lost thinking every friend girl has to be a girlfriend. Now is the time for innocuous friendship and not heated relationships. I’m taking that and applying it to A, K, or anyone else I talk to (though, A is still a short drive away and I’m kinda still mad at her). I don’t want to vault over the best parts of getting to know someone because I’m looking for the endgame.
With any luck, K turns out to be a thoughtful and caring friend with a 2,400 mile cushion.
I guess I’m feeling better today. I have been distracted which is good. I spend time venting out here when I am not doing well, hence the polarized expressions and antic disposition. I just need to focus on being me for now, and not worry about companionship.
I am not forcing the issue and will let things happen in a natural way (if at all). I recognize that I’m not the easiest person to love, but I do think it’s out there somewhere.
My dating account will go unused in lieu of how terrible I feel about it all. What am I doing? I need some time to myself. This grasping for companionship is stupid and wrong. I still hurt in my heart and I’m already moving to the next distraction. Shame.
Instead I’m going to not be a dick. I’m in no shape to be in a partnership. I have too much life right now. My situation does not lend itself to a liberty of choice. I’m not focused on the right things.
I have better things I could be doing. There’s still a lot of shit I need to be responsible for. I have a reality to occupy my attention indefinitely. I’m all done.
I’m sitting here getting ready for my support group. I will admit I’m having some symptoms: anxiety is spiking, depressed thoughts are chewing away at me, and a general sense of dread hangs overhead.
I long for that daily conversation I used to have with A. Now there is a silence that my wheels spin frantically in. I was engaged, and now, no one really cares what happens in my world.
I’ve started talking to other women. There are a few that have responded to my replies. I’m kinda rebounding hard, but this is what happened last time. I had a falling out only to be picked back up again almost immediately. I’m that circumstance back in June, I should have been more conservative. A and I were in bed together on our second date. I don’t want anything like that now. I’m still hurting.
I’d really enjoy talking to someone again. Having a chat buddy to catch up with on the day’s events. Someone who wants to see inside me. It’s so intoxicating to be cared about. I wish I could share my perspective with someone who admired me.
My group will go great tonight. I’ve got a lot I bring as facilitator and person living with mental illness. However, I just want tonight to be done. I’m feeling like I need to close my eyes and shut out the world for a while. I am alone here and feeling like I’m nailed to the shore as the tide comes in.
I’ve done some creative writing to sort through my feelings and thoughts about the breakup with A. I don’t summarize events, I only extrapolate and expound on my perceptions and emotions. I do feel better having done that. Creative expression is my new and most favorite coping tool for hard times.
On the flip side of things, there is (again) quite a bit of interest on the Positive Singles site. I have two conversations started and who knows where they will lead. I’m open to all possibilities and at least for now, both would be long-distance.
I’m still firmly grounded here in CA, but there’s a chance that if something works out, we could still find ways to be together that don’t require me to move out of state. I think it’s regretful that A didn’t even want to discuss this option, and seemed much more interested in finding someone who she could date nearby rather than work on what she and I had.
Nevertheless, I’m moving on to someone who is a better fit for who I am. Maybe this will happen on PS but probably not. I’m still thinking I want to meet someone through work.
But what a confidence boost to be on the market for 1 day and draw interest immediately? Boss.