Exposed

Not a great start today. The fact that I live in a dining room is becoming increasingly frustrating. I have no schedule for myself. Everything I can do is contingent upon what someone else is doing or wants. I don’t have a door. I can’t establish an identity in a shared space. This arrangement has me at my breaking point.

I now retreat to my truck outside on the street to get the solitude I require since I have no way to filter noise in my current living space. No one seems to mind my discomfort since I’m not that important in the grand scheme of things. It’s true.

I guess this is a discomfort I need to become accustomed to since it will be present for at least the next two weeks and in some lesser form after that. I’m a vagrant. I’m not going to complain to the conductor that the steerage train cars are filthy. I feel that not a battle I can win or am interested in provoking.

So here I am exposing myself everyday and longing for some shred of privacy in the future. I have no dignity regardless, but I don’t care to be a victim of shame in further opening my life to public observation. Have you ever lived in a dining room or tent outside an RV? Beggars aren’t choosers if they’re smart. Humility is the finest virtue when seeking charity, I find, since it is the only state that doesn’t incur the penalty of guilt. We are all quite familiar with how I can beat myself about the face and neck with the fetid dead cat of self-imposed guilt.

I don’t ask for much. Sometimes I want to be not poked at. Other times the poking is welcome. This morning, I wanted to shut my door to the world but I couldn’t. I just had to leave the whole residence in order to have a moment alone with my thoughts. Without the obnoxious television blaring or the sounds of life stirring. I need quiet, warm, protected.

I find that explaining often goes by misunderstood more often than not. My words largely go unheeded. I am an expert of nothing; a mountebank that people passing by in the cobblestone streets pay no heed. Somewhere in the distance, a duck is quacking loudly but no one cares.

Today is one day closer to the end of this torment. Two more weeks. I can make it two more weeks before igniting the engines and readying myself for blastoff. I have the hard work done, and now the final pieces in which skills are implemented will be my next task to arrange. I just want to be up there. I don’t want to be in this circumstance anymore. Discomfort level high. Not much more room to go before the thermometer pops.

Things might be better if my attitude wasn’t such crap. I don’t have much going on. I’m not proud right now. I want to be committed, needed. I desire to be a part of an organization affecting change. Things are very muddy for me right now.

Well, this post has done little to change my mood, and that’s unfortunate. Reality doesn’t just poof when I want it to, unsurprisingly. Yet, I’m still pissed.

Reboot

Better day today. The real person who’s approval I need is my own. I’m not bound to shame my whole life because of my past. I’m destined to improve since I care so much about feeling like I’m not a scab. I know in my heart I’m always hoping to go forward and make new decisions with positive outcomes far into my future. May better days ahead send ripples of benefit to all those who share this life with me.

Monday Bumday

I guess things are not going so good. I don’t feel like anyone is really excited about anything I’m doing right now. I’m in a physical place where I have no privacy, schedule or spark in my life. Things are starting to taste bland.

Part of this is the fact that no one has any reason to invest anything in me unless I’m in crisis or causing a disturbance of some sort. I’m useful, mind you. I do often work my ass off and contribute. I am appreciated for that in a small sense.

The thing I am beginning to understand is that I’m not desirable. I’m not someone who would compel one to invest energy, love, time or words in. Some people got excited about me for a time. Then they learn who I am, and they distance themselves. They did not like the whole-me thing apparently. I can understand that, most of the time I don’t either.

Puts me in a tough spot. No one is giving me feedback about what makes me so undesirable or repulsive, so I’m not sure how to change. I don’t want to be this way, where I am just a piece of luggage. I’m clearly easy enough to walk away from. I think the reality of all this is starting to really harden around my ankles.

Today, I realize that even if I wasn’t permanently diseased, stigmatized and obese I would still probably be pretty easy to hate. Or forget.

My parents will always love me, it’s true. They’d prefer I not be too much trouble, which is no burden on them and I agree that I should aspire to that end; as it should be. However, they are under no obligation to give a shit about me beyond that. My passions or my thoughts however, are neglected the attention I feel they deserve. I’m not worth investing the time into because no one ever engages me fundamentally on any of the things that are strictly in my court, no matter how many times I do the same for them. This is the story of my relationships: give to my partner endlessly to keep her around, and loose her once I’m to tired to maintain the charade.

If not for my eagerness to try to do right all the time, I’d be just another mentally ill degenerate living like a parasite in the intestines of the middle class. Since that fate didn’t sound particularly fulfilling… I sought alternatives.

Somewhere between penitential servitude and true happiness there is a grey space. Things here seem real, but never feel like they are. What I have now are the distant cosmic echoes of massive emotional explosions, peaks, troughs and all the feels in between. They hang in my night sky like fading stars, with only the most distant of outlines left, reminding me of what they had been.

There is no where to go from here. I’m not going to be able to change myself into a more desirable person. I am at a crossroads where one direction leads to implosion, and the other leaves me fighting for my life an a sealed compartment rapidly filling with seawater.

I wish you the best on your journey. I don’t know if I really want to keep going on mine anymore.

The Best Rockhounding Trip of Ever

So, this was out last Southern California rockhounding trip until we move north and… it was the greatest of all time.

Among the DISPLAY QUALITY samples we found were: Blue Lace Agate, Fire Agate, Chalcedony, and numerous other Agates, conglomerates and absolutely fantastic samples. The best drusy samples I have ever seen if clear Chalcedony and Fire Agate. My geologic mapping skills and my mom’s intuition led us to the finest rockhounding spots we have ever seen. It is true to form that we save the best for last. Once we have the pieces cleaned and mounted, I will have images. 25 lbs of pure mineral glory recovered. Not to mention the fact we dug our first pegmatite and recovered minerals from it, of quality!! Come on now, it doesn’t get better than that.

Far Away

Hey blog. I’ve had some time post impact and I’m feeling pretty resolute about my interpretation. I gave her a last chance. She squandered a great opportunity to be a part of something special. Creativity is awesome.

By Jax. Never more.

In other news, I’m in Barstow, CA on a rockhounding expedition with my mom. Oddly enough, I came here on my honeymoon with Jax and we had a great time. This time around we are systematically attacking the Calico Mountains. Today we went east / southeast and found some Opal and Chalcedony. Still much more to be had out there.

The details of the move north have been made. Plan equals the finality. We know when and where, now we just have to do it. There will be a busy time while things are boxed. I would be looking forward to the moment when the loading truck is empty outside our new place.

I’m planning on being a care provider for the next 25 years or so. My family, and my career dictate that my role be about redemption, hope. I like that in concept. I had my life. That time is largely over now. Understanding the value of family and the bonds of love are the lessons to be learned.

I’m looking forward to another long adventure day tomorrow!

Shameless Plug

My creative project has a home now, and a dedicated domain: http://kingdomofrealm.com

This is a high-fantasy narrative/epistolary 3 book epic, with the first content to be released this winter 2018.

Check out a teaser right here if this sounds like your sort of thing

Currently, a D&D game is the device that is moving the plot forward, and I’d say we’re about half way through the campaign, in terms of plot. Still so much more to go. 4 players, 1 session a week since late mid November 2017. Awesome.

Thanks, plug over.