iPhone Suggestion Only Post

I’m so sorry 😐. Hahahahaha you know what? I’m glad to hear that you’re going to be home soon. I love you 💕. I hope you are having some wonderful day and a good evening to be safe. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you back from your pain yet. I’m so proud to be able to get my life together soon. Hahahahaha sorry babe I’m sorry babe sorry. I’m so proud to say I am a good morning person and love you so much and you always look beautiful and you can love me babe.

I love the way you can get the stuff to be taken off and you have no not no problem at you. I’m glad to you have a good job 👍 was there something to you babe and you were doing a yes. I’m so proud of you 👍 was your birthday 🎂 I love you 😘.


Wow. If this is any indicator of the most frequent words I type I need to mix it up a bit. iPhone suggestions humble my limited vocabulary skills down to “sorry,” “love,” and “babe.”

I do think I say more things than this but the activity of having iPhone decide my dialogue has been revealing. I like how it recommends emojis even though I don’t use them. I don’t speak that language. Im disappointed in myself.


By girlfriend and I have been doing really well; great in fact. I laugh with her (uproariously), and we are communicating very effectively in all area. I’ve had my share of symptoms and so has she yet we keep working through and finding constructive ways to share. That’s what relationships are all about.

Since the med change my mood has been better and more stable. I wake up a bit more groggy but not dealing with the chronic depression symptoms. No psychotic symptoms/precursors. Things in the neurochemical department are stabilizing.

I know I’m not doing so great in the physical domain. My body feels poopy. I’m feeding it bad food consistently. I’m not getting as much exercise. Being conscious of this is half my struggle, and I’ll take the next step by avoiding the temptations of the world around me. Well, at least lower the frequency at which I partake. Small steps.

I am feeling strong in my profession and in my will to continue with my career path. I’m doing the things I need to in order to advance myself occupationally and in terms of preserving my mental health. I have ventured into new areas/opportunities and am all the more well-rounded because of it. I feel very hopeful about this trajectory I’m on, and fortunate.

What the future holds is still uncertain but I do know I’m working hard to achieve positive outcomes both professionally and personally.

I love her. I’m dedicated to building a future where my girlfriend and I can be together indefinitely. This is a happy time. I’m lucky that the circumstance has befallen me such that I’m now in this position to love, be loved and thrive.


I haven’t given much thought to writing. I seem to be at a place in my coping where I tend to surround myself in distractions of an engaging variety, whereas this place is all about unidirectional expression. I know there is a need for this type of expressive venues, but as my symptoms grow it gets harder to manage opening up and sharing.

I have been sliding downhill slowly, which I believe is a product of circumstance and neurochemical imbalance. This decline has not been without attempts to interrupt… the most recent of which came yesterday when my psych meds were tweaked a bit. I will update the “My Fucked Up Brain and What I Feed It” page when things are set but I’m taking a different level of anti-psychotic as well as anti-depressant. I am only on morning 1 of this so news pending as far as measurable results go.

Having a partner has been a big help too. She is very joyful and loving despite having such a tough circumstance and hostile environments to live in. I have seen her bloom quite a bit since we have been dating, especially when she is in my shared living space (which is our little sanctuary).

I think about the events that led to my finding her and It’s all so coincidental yet very intentional. Just as I broke my personal ties to one woman I was fond of, my response to not be struck down by sadness, rejection and guilt led to my finding a far more suitable partner. The first circumstance was not ready, but my persistence allowed my to inherit a situation that was.

However, relationships are not a cure to symptoms; they can only enable good behaviors or deteriorate them. I find my current arrangement to be highly beneficial, but I still need to use my own coping skills to get myself right.

MH treatment is never really over, it just changes, mutates and finds a new way to inflict suffering.


I got to thinking how fortunate I am. At this time in my life, I have a support person that I adore. She is a genuine fit in my life, and our differences are such that there is much to learn from each other; many things to explore. She’s already taught me so much, and dramatically improved my internet savvy.

I struggle with my feelings at times, but she inspires my strength. Critter was such a salvation at a time when most alone, contemplative and sad. I have been with my thoughts all day and having her far away aided me in realizing just how much I love her. She has a positive effect on my wellbeing and life, and I’ve seen real change since she came into frame.

I’ve been holding my logical reservations and my emotional desires in balance in my dialectical model. “Healthy” is equilibrium with introspection. I don’t feel in any way polarized, but appreciative. Here’s a woman who will put up with my nonsense; someone who improves the quality of life I once held as standard. Someone who points me towards a better future.

So I have been thinking, and feeling. I’m looking back and feeling grateful. I have such a blessing, during a very turbulent time. It’s with her help that I’ll make it through, I believe. It’s a test, and one that I’m more ready for because of her.

Yesterday’s Flapjacks

I keep finding things I regret in my scoring:

.3 per put out is way too much. This makes 1B the most valuable position player in the game

1.25 per batter DPT is too much. Nerfed.

-.6 per K for batters is not harsh enough. Strikeouts are a sin against the Baseball gods.

.75 per IP is not enough. Pitchers don’t compare with position players. Also 1 per APP is not juicy enough either.

These are just some examples. I want balance damnit! No position should be preferable. Just like in my FFL leagues; rosters are based on previewed talent assessments not scoring advantages.

But why batter defensive plays? I do believe they should be rewarded because its incremental accomplishments that plug on both aspects of position player stats. It’s boring to only care when they’re at the plate. However, I needed my numbers to still promote balance despite the events piling up for certain players. So, I diminished some and buffed others.

Batting & Fielding

Runs 0.75

Singles 1.25

Doubles 2.5

Triples 4.5

Home Runs 5

Runs Batted In 1

Stolen Bases 2

Caught Stealing -1.5

Walks 0.5

Strikeouts -1

Put Outs 0.08

Assists 0.12

Errors -3

Outfield Assists 4.25

Double Plays Turned 0.8

Pitching Scoring Categories

Pitching Appearances 2

Outs Recorded ( 1/3 IP) 1

Wins 8

Losses -5

Saves 8

Hits -0.35

Earned Runs -1

Home Runs -2

Walks -0.15

Strikeouts 1

Balks -2

Grounded Into Double Plays 1.5

Holds 4

Pickoffs 4

Blown Saves -6

Still stayed true to my beliefs and edged true offensive achievement over big piles of defensive stats. Now increments break ties and keep my scoreboard popping with green no matter who is on the field. I feel like this configuration sticks in my happy zone.

Welcome to Whammy Slammy Susan III!!

First week saw my landslide victory over hopeless Bangle-Doof. Poor bastard lost by 103. My scoring was an overall nerf compared to WSS2 scoring. I like that.

The standings are a three way tie for first with DerpyDerpDerp leading in points. I climbed up from third to second. This week I get FaceWaster V, which has been bad news for me. His pitchers come through when I’m in the reticle. We shall see if he stays lucky.

In other news, I’m doing alright. Dad has been ailing lately. I remain aloof thinking that I have no clue what to expect but aware trajedeybmay be very near. “A,” who I will henceforth refer to as Critter, and I are doing very well. It’s more than three weeks in and things are still clicking. Discovery is happening and we are enjoying our time together. She’s curious about me which I find totally intoxicating.

The sex is unbelievable. I’ve never been more in tune with anyone before. We are dialing in on our comforts, and finding the ways we fit well together. I do light her up, and feel so very appreciated for the way we are together. She does EVERYTHING Blog. Dang yo.

My dreams have been confusing and I know there is some lingering part of me that remains unreconciled post Cheyenne. I don’t know what to do with that. Maybe it’s safe to be a friend now that I’m in a sexual relationship, but maybe because of my past attraction to her that’s not a good idea. I don’t like the way it all happened, but there has only been uneasy silence when it comes to the beat and not the appetizers. I broke it and now I’m trying to super glue it back together. It’s probably a waste of time, but I never like hurting people and just walking away.

I think about the future. Critter and I are thinking about the road ahead. So many more steps to make before logic agrees with emotion. She’s an investment I’m glad to make though. She tolerates my nonsense like a pro. Keeper status earned.

Have a great week Blogomites!


I had a restless night thinking about her. I see a couple of things clearly:

She’s a fool if she didn’t see this coming. I was clear, all along the way, that I wanted something more. Yet, this got treated like a big surprise.

I behaved poorly as the result of rejection. Which has destroyed any type of friendship we may have cultivated.

I’m resentful but not going to act on any of my slighted feelings. It’s better to cast away those responses just like my affection.

Obliviousness is no excuse. I felt like I was the only one who made mistakes when I wasn’t. I never got an apology for being led on. I just got denial that it had taken place or a reinterpretation of what actually happened.

I’m pretty resolved in my disdain. I know I hurt her but there’s no going back. My past was used against me in an evidentiary argument. I felt especially angered by that. It caused me to be wrathful in the end. I abolished all bonds to allow myself to dislike her.

Nothing I hate more than having my honesty used against me as though my here and then are the same. How unbelievably insulting. You really don’t know me but you sure do know how to piss me off.

My nightmares were about escaping a circumstance where there was trauma. I traumatized myself quite a bit, pining for someone not interested in me. Mashing my face against the wall. My confidence and perceptions were wrong every step of the way, but why do you think that was the case? Is it because I’m a big dumb idiot?

Am I such an ignoramus that I just made up all the encouragement to feel what I had inside me? I’m so delusional I made it all up? One thing I didn’t have was patience, because I thought there was mutuality. Why are we patient if we both want this, I thought? Because she was happy enjoying my feelings but not interested in reciprocating. I feel duped, then cast away when things got hard. Argued with instead of sympathized. I extended her that courtesy but still advocated for my own feelings and beliefs.

Here I am ranting again. Maybe after the weekend I’ll be calmer. Good riddance though. I’m glad I didn’t invest more than I did. You’re a liar and not self honest. You’d rather I be blamed so your way out is easier. My heart is broken but that doesn’t matter to you. You just wanted to tell me why I was wrong. Now you can see why I’m not interested in being your friend.

My life is pointed up and I’m moving on. I do feel more like things are settling back to a familiar normalcy. Now that I don’t have you to think about (in the sane way), I can direct my efforts to helping people who will reciprocate my kindness. Maybe there is a girl out there for me who won’t flight my affection and taunt me with my honest revelations. Someone who will see me for who I am and not who I was.

She never saw me. Not who I was becoming. Not the life I was leading. Not my pride and conviction. I don’t know what she saw but it is pointless to wonder. I’m done.


The truth is, you’ll do better without me. All my unrequited affection only drove you away. The insistence you have in limiting your potential is silly, but it’s your choice. You don’t yet know that you have power but you do.

There is no more us. You are a thing I couldn’t have and now I’m repulsed by. How things have gone from once so sweet to bitter and rotten. An unexplored potential now never to be. I don’t want you. Not anymore. Not ever.

I’m angry as you can see. I’m not a petty asshole who punishes with power. I’ll always forward your career potential even if I don’t want to invest in a friendship. I doubt I’ll ever see you again though. I’ve done a pretty good job of traumatizing you into isolation. Look at how opposite of the thing I wanted to do happened! Isn’t it amazing? I broke the one person I really felt in harmony with. I ruined her chances at friendship with me and her fear of me will keep her away from my organization from now on. She’s been destroyed by my uncontrolled desire to know. She’s drowned in my bile. Goodbye C. You didn’t deserve what I gave you, but you don’t deserve me either.

Now that you’re gone, I have a chance at clarity. Now that I don’t have to care about you any more, I can proceed with an unbiased perspective. You’ll never see me the sane way, and always revile my behavior. My unwanted attraction. My flamboyance. My effusive expressions. I have hurt you and I know it. I accept it. I own it. I did it so you would go away now that you don’t want me. I banished our friendship because I could not do what I wanted. Is that petty and cruel? FUCK YES IT IS! But it still happened. It’s still my response. It is still the reason why I’ll never see you again.

And you know, maybe this is a lesson for me. Maybe traumatizing people and breaking friendships I can’t explore more deeply is a thing I’ll get better at as time goes on. Think of all the innocent people I’ll destroy and leave stunned in the dark. Oh the future is full of pain Blog. Full of pain that I inflict. Why? Because I can’t have anyone. Because no one wants me. Because no one really means what they say. Because even the way people act is a lie that hides a limitation. She lied. She and do many others. She lied to make it easier on herself to say goodbye. Now I am too.

You did lead me on. You don’t admit your part in this but you had one. You wanted me to play into this situation but didn’t want it to perturb your fragile balance. Your reinterpretation of our sharing stinks of revisionist history. You couldn’t decide what you were comfortable with and now we’re both burned up.

C, you’re a great person who doesn’t have much figured out yet. You had no chemistry for me. You disregarded my affection. You settled for the mediocre to preserve your morality. I hope you enjoy the lot you’ve prescribed yourself. I’ve failed enough times to know you take what you want and get stronger. Truth is, you never really wanted me even though I tried to make you. You should have just said “never.” Then at least I could have stopped caring a long time ago.

I hope you cry. I hope it hurts. I’m roiling. I’m furious at you. I’ll never go back to being your friend. This is the finality I always sought, just the opposite result. I’m bitter. I’m fuming, but not going to take one single action. You won’t come back anyway, I’m sure you’ll never work for me again. Why would you? I’m a fucking prick.


Yes, that is the truth of it. I end up ruining more of what I touch than improving it. This situation of ours is no different. I have dashed the glass against the stones, and all that remains are glittering fragments of a once whole thing.

Truth is that I’ve wounded myself because of my inability to regulate my feelings. This is a talent I’m afraid I’ve never learned. I often effuse, and that is received and draws those to me who are enveloped by it. Such a feeling to be cared for so powerfully, honestly and sometimes overwhelmingly. It comes from a deep and unchecked place of loving that I know not how to cap. I have found this to be advantageous in most every circumstance but this one.

Now that has caused me pain and catalyzed my forsaking of the rarest of the rare. I took the bridge away and left her to drown. I left her no way to cross again.

I still have anger, because I acted on something that seemingly wasn’t true… and conducted myself in a way I may not have if not for that invitation or inclination to do so. Did she want me too in the first place? It looks more and more like I just got it wrong and my volatility has created this new and painful rift that I fear will not be mended. My enterprise of selfishness has deprived my life and profession of a highly-valuable individual. I’m ashamed of that. Deeply regretful of my actions, and now suffering the consequences.

What can I do? I can try to lay the first stone back in the right direction but even that seems like it is fundamentally unwanted. I know nothing. I have no insight… only a cloud that conceals her internal discourse. I inflict pain without knowing why, or without the education to respond effectively.

Here I am after that last post saying I wasn’t going to pine… but blog how can I not? I’ve said it time and time again, I’ve never seen anyone like her. It drives me crazy how much I want her and the infuriation of not being able to have her is tearing me apart from the inside. I feel pain, deep and mournful within my chest… knowing she’s very likely gone. What have I done? She was one of a kind and now she’s gone.

I lost her… even the echo of her. All the beauty I came to appreciate I ripped out because I couldn’t have it all. How unimaginably selfish of me. Who the fuck do I think I am?

I did this to myself and she is the victim of my inability to be an effective human. My ineptitude at regulating my catastrophic tsunami of feelings. I am a fool, and yes, definitely and idiot.

Now I have nothing but the memory of how good I felt with her. A reminder of the infantile responses to things I have which cost me a chance at a better life.


It came to an end today. I laid myself bare to her and was rejected. It’s hard to stay a good friend after being turned down like that. I’m back to just having that professional, impersonal relationship that an employer has with an employee. No doubt I’d like to retain her talent, even if she doesn’t think much of who I am.

Really this is no surprise. I wouldn’t have walked down this way if she hadn’t told me there was attraction to me. I was thinking this would be a good thing to explore, but when I did, she ran. Now I have feelings that aren’t shared. Unacknowledged and unwanted. I feel a tad crushed by that. Misled to some extent, though later she was clear about not wanting to lead me on.

I feel a little better knowing that now its really over. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to be reminded of what I thought I could have that now I absolutely can’t. Never one word was said to me after that first afternoon we shared together where she told me she was attracted. Not one word to give me hope that we could explore each other. I have been turned away by her silence.

Goodbye C. This is probably the last post where I’ll pine for you and bemoan my unrequited affection. Everyone is entitled to their own choices and you made yours.

I just have to move forward.


I am this person who strives to improve. I hope that I can better myself and keep things stable in my life. Despite the environmental variables, I think I have accomplished that.

Yet I grapple with loneliness. Like any other man, I have the desires. I have instinct that seek to bind with trusted partners. Having never met a man who can make me feel the way I hope, I often find myself looking to women.

This is an imbedded behavior that I am trying to overcome. I must realize that there is nothing. There is no one. There is just me. I have to stop thinking I’m going to be somewhere other than on the path I built for myself with my mistakes and choices. It’s kinda depressing, but it also has enabled me to stronger than I’ve ever been in my life.

I see it. The way forward is full of brightness and events. New people will be crossing my path every day. Places and circumstances I never thought possible will be realized. So much has changed in the last year and there’s still quite a bit of work left to do.

I’m proud. My future is as bright as it’s ever been, yet it attracts no one. A level of closeness I’ve never had seems to be a level I’ll still not comprehend. With all the good, and all the steps, I’m sure I must reconcile to walk them alone with no one to share in my adventure.

Circumstance and undesirability kept C away despite the clarity of my feelings. Maybe that is what ultimately causes her to realize she didn’t want it. I’m too much. Too big. Too overflowing. But mostly because no one notices me. No one tries to see me. No one will, I think. Like a well shaken champagne bottle of neglected emotions.

I feel sad that this door is closed.

Yet, I have a life full of good people and adventure. There’s a great sum of work to be done and I’m hoping to get out there and do it. With no one to share it with. With no one who understands me. Just me.

I said have a good night, but what I meant was goodbye.

The Jar

It all goes back in and the stopper on top. The finality of it is reassuring but the future seems emptier than before. A cringe and a retreat is my response. No regret but no more future either.

It helps to not have to hope; reality seems more achievable now. My effusions dispersed and evaporated away. The baggage of wanting removed and only the lasting bond of friendship remains. C and I seem like we won’t be, ever, and even though that is sad, it also helps. No I don’t have to dream anymore. I don’t have to yearn in an unrequited spiral. Now I can continue living my life the way I have been, erring a future built on good mental health.

Done. Back to the routine without the beacon to fill the world with light. Much as I always knew it would be. Much as I deserve. So on we go…


I have all these feelings Blog. I get excited, involved, intrigued… and more often than not I do so but for the wrong reasons. FOR ONCE, this is the right reason, time, person to be enthused about. C is miraculous, and still growing into the person she is headed towards being. I want to jump on the bandwagon, shower her with affection and help guide her safely to be the anything she desires to be. Yet, I’m still a fucking idiot trying to make a tough/impossible circumstance something other than it is. I’m still hoping against hope she and I will find each other despite the paradigm of pain we reside within. I mean… I know I’m a good fit for her as she is for me, and we’d do right by each other in the long run… but… how?

I want to invest in her but I can’t have her… I have to bottle what I feel for fear of forcing her into an uncomfortable choice. I have to say I’m not wanting her when I am… Its a dynamic I need to ether be relieved of or acknowledged for and neither is happening. I can accept both realities, but without certainty, I’m twisting in the wind and screaming in the miasma of the unknown.

The chance to explore this world is held from me. The opportunity to go further is restricted. The future remains totally unclear, even in terms of the trajectory I had hoped to at least foresee. Now, I have nothing but the aching silence of wordless agony where I begin to compartmentalize my feelings for the sake of not having to be reminded of what will not be.

This is all on me though. It’s her life and her choice what she does with it. I might as well be an asteroid in distant, fragile orbit. I see such hope… a pairing unlike any I had even imagined. A future where I could be with someone who nourishes me, and I her. A path we walk together that makes us stronger, not casts us in our own distinct and isolatory directions. I’ve had my heart broken so many times, but I feel like she would not. She is different… aware and centered in a world of looking out for her mental health as the top priority. What an influence I could be on her as she already is for me. Such promise, yet, unachievable… remote and in a future that is not happening and is not being realized.

Do I want her to chose me? Fuck yes I do! Will she? I don’t know and I have more doubts than assurances.

We only live one time. We only have this chance. I’ve wasted so much of mine… and I continue to scratch for meaning in the void of unrequited recognition. I’ll let her pass right through me fingers if that’s what she wants… and I’ll keep my eyes open into the future where my window of opportunity closes a little more every single day.


I have repulsively positive things to say. A big sloppy sandwich of recognition, fun and laughter. Run the fuck away while you still have legs!! Aaaahhh!

So standing in the world means not being on the ground (as much). Sometimes I sniff the dirt to remind myself that dirt and poop both end up on the bottom of my shoes.

You know what’s great? Finding people who will make crop circles with you.

Can you believe C made this for me? Sweet monkey Jeebus!! I never though green boils could be so enticing. As per my usual, I adorn all my business casual outfits with the skulls of animals I’ve eaten recently. Look at the detail!! All the tiny little crevices. You know, crevices is a terrible word.

Have a good night!


Things could not be better on the work front!! I was ” promoted” to coordinator of a fantastic program (P2P) and a bump in hours, plus I’m rekindling my efforts on doing some grant writing.

The vision of peer support / case management that I had I’m my mind when I moved here is finally (possibly) coming to fruition. To see the groundwork being laid for a wholly transformative venture is really inspiring. Ultimately, it’s on me to start recruitment and garner the funds we need to execute this plan. I do recognize that there’s a lot of work to do in this area, but very achievable I believe. I’m going to keep getting after it until I have it. I’m determined to succeed and replicate the success of the model that launched my recovery. We have the allies and the platform to be successful, and we absolutely will be.

Slammy Jammy was victorious this week, crushing Derpy into the concrete by 130 points. REVENGE!! This too was gratifying. Boom boom quesadilla.

I’ve got a lot of positives lined up. Good friends, a blooming career, and an upward trajectory which has me poised for advancement beyond anything I have known. This past year has been both joyous and tragic, but always teaching me something.

I’m taking a step back from myself and my haste. All these life changes are inching up from out of the soil; unpacking their aching leaves in search of the sun. I have no expectation of what my future has in store, but one thing I’m sure of is that I’m going somewhere. I built this reality with goal upon goal, and I’ll continue to do so independently for as long as I can. I see no ceiling; I see only sky. However, I imagine that I must be committed to holding myself up alone in order to stay internally strong.

I’m glad to have such cool friends to share this with. I am fortunate in that regard. I know now more than ever what I am (and what I cannot be). I also can relate to their being trauma for me in the future… and pain. I’m building up my circle to help me survive the coming storm, but my greatest strength is who I am right now. I’m so proud of that.

Three words:




Bound In Whispers

It was the stark tension of ropes,

Screaming distress with thin threads–

Unbound, twisted madly, perilously.

As the gasps shorten–

The incessant gravity,

Holds as it only knows how.

What then if not free?

Do trees tell stories of their youth for the rocks to hear?

Does the pounding sea beg forgiveness of the shore?

I long to exude the song within–

Without taking something away.

Whispering one word at a time,

Where no expanse can prevail–

And no tide can soften into meaningless grains.

It is in the hiss of leaves,

The breaking of day,

That I know.

Adventure Day 3: Blitz to Home

It’s my final day here at the conference, and I’m gearing up for one final push towards finality. I remember this cloudy, warm coastal weather from back when I was in San Diego. It reminds me of home.

Today I’ve got two workshops on the docket and I’ll be checking out of my room once I finish my coffee. The resort has been beautiful if not occasionally confounding in its smelliness. There’s a specific area which has a combination of fresh and bizarre all mingled together. The sniff lobby I have so christened it.

I have been thankful for these experiences even if I haven’t been able to catch up with my peeps from NAMI SD. maybe they didn’t come?

I’ll be flying home tonight, landing around 9. I can promise I’ll be thoroughly exhausted by then, and ready for a sleep in my familiar space. I’ve also felt good not smoking any weed for the past 48 hours. I think I’ll probably take a break from that when I get back. This seems like a possible remedy to many of my persistent issues.

Thanks for coming with me Blog. And C was here the whole time too. Talking with her has been very positive and it’s really fun having someone to relate with. Happy weekend!

Adventure Day 2: Recap

I’ve gained a lot of useful knowledge so far on this exciting adventure. What a treat it has been to hear such empowering speakers and participate in this immersive event. I’m thankful for the opportunity and were only half done!

Tomorrow there’s another full plate of workshops to attend and lectures to absorb. It kinda feels like school, but more freedom of choice. I’m glad to be here and participating in this conference.

Well, I don’t have much left in the tank. I’m laying down all snuggy. It’s going to be a great day tomorrow I know, and then I’ll fly home and be back in my own smelly bed.

Hooray new experiences!


Things are resolving out into distinct parameters. C and are are agreed on the pattern of behavior and that’s the line(s) I needed. Nice and defined. I’m glad for that. Things are settling.

The upcoming events are present on my mind. Having such a clear resolution earlier in the day helped clear the worry I feel over my impending trip. I feel ready to get my social face on and go be with the people. Shake hands and come at my opponents with sideways sarcasm. I’m thankful I get the chance to do this, even if it is kinda scary.

But I’m feeling much better about the recent emotional turmoil. Still learning, right? Still eating shit and getting back up? I’m facing new challenges and frankly, I’m doing pretty well. I have not compromised myself and my integrity.

So many more steps ahead where I am still trying to figure out what me best outcomes are, and how not to repeat past calamities.

Mood Album: The Ballad Of Pocket-Friend

In an attempt to grapple with my state of emotional volatility, I have again turned to the medium of music as a coping tool. The process of creating these mixed albums helps me express, but also reflect. This composition I have arranged speaks in two voices: one that yearns in an abstract/theoretical sense, and the other that reminds of the parameters by which reality is confined (often toned by fact or obstacle). I have a great well of feeling, and this album helps me quantify and understand my own emotional arc. There is no conclusion to be drawn in such an unexplored circumstance, but as long as I have the ability to express, I believe this exercise will help me cope effectively.

One of the things I noticed here was I found a lot of common ground with some of the artists I used on my Graceful Sniffer album (Since the subject matter is largely the same). Different songs yes, but same melodic motifs and emphasis.

So far though, things are pretty positive, as this album undoubtedly conveys. I’ve listened to it and I’m pleased with the sort of journey of sensation it took me on… I was singing at some points and wiggling around like a sun-baked worm in others (in a good way). It’s an accurate emotional progression and summary of the place have been recently, am at now and will hopefully be going. Weee! Enjoy if you do compile it yourself:

Album: The Ballad of Pocket-Friend
Length: 74 minutes

  1. My Best Friend’s Girl – The Cars
  2. The Boys Of Summer – Don Henley
  3. American Girl – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  4. Whenever I Call You “Friend” – Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks
  5. Why – Robert Plant
  6. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  7. Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
  8. Somebody To Love – Queen
  9. Constant Craving – k.d. lang
  10. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  11. Reminiscing – Little River band
  12. Let’s Groove – Earth, Wind & Fire
  13. Your Wildest Dreams – The Moody Blues
  14. Wrapped Around Your Finger – The Police
  15. Hysteria – Def Leppard
  16. Cloud 9 – George Harrison

The Walk Awakeneing

Splashed by drops of infrequent rain,

A tune once known now sung again–

The shards that glimmer in her eyes,

Like a choir of voices suddenly alive.

Something there that had been lost,

Dust and scars made known the cost.

Afraid to cross these churning seas–

Who crest and roil continually,

Staring at stars and holding back tears,

Cast adrift for all these years.

To find a place of common ground–

A kindred soul at last is found.

Each brick laid down with true intent,

By curving arch by span is bent–

Making the clasp in equal part,

Foundations sound right from the start.

A path that’s wide but still unclear,

Surrounded by encroaching fear.

The lantern casts the light I need,

For in her eyes I’m finally freed.


I’m doing much better lately. Though the absence of calamity foes make for less exciting posts. I met M who is a very neat person and a proprietor of good mental health skills. So rare to find people interested in a career centered on peer support. Friendy times are being had.

Lost in Slammy Susan. Got clipped by five points during a week in which my pitchers rolled over and died. This gameweek already marked by a stellar performance by Snell and some meaningful points earned by Cole. Plus Ozuna had a save yesterday. Good start, but 1st place is crushing me by 35 in the early going. Damn you DerpyDerpDerp. Damn you.

Trying to be both balanced but effective. Measured yet jubilant. M presents new and ponderous opportunities. All houses are built in strong foundations.

The Death Of Night Guy & Other Changes (Mood Album)

Admittedly, Night Guy was a response to a changing circumstance and search for companionship outside of the traditional paradigm. While he was a fun and exciting fellow, he was not sustainable. I have sen now that some contortion is good, but too much compromises integrity.

This album centers its themes on the insanity, bizarre and inexplicably unique way I manifest my persona in this otherwise tranquil world. The motifs include hasty sex, strange comparisons, odd quirks, depression, fanaticism and balance (eventually).

I feel like this very-closely parallels my current mood and temperament. Have at with the exposition!

Mood Album: Spunk-Rocket Poof Station
Length: 75 minutes

  1. Gemini Dream – The Moody Blues
  2. Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
  3. Wild Sex (In The Working Class)
  4. Something About You – Boston
  5. Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
  6. Whiskey In The Jar – Metallica
  7. Spiderwebs – No Doubt
  8. Listen Like Thieves – INXS
  9. Cold As Ice – Foreigner
  10. Living Dead Girl – Rob Zombie
  11. Asleep The Snow Came Flying – Tim Story
  12. Broken Wings – Mr. Mister
  13. Turn To Stone – Electric Light Orchestra
  14. Harden My Heart – Quatrerflash
  15. Praying For Time – George Michael
  16. In Between Days – The Cure
  17. South City Midnight Lady – The Doobie Brothers
  18. Back On The Chain Gang – The Pretenders


Outer Seeker

Just completed class 6 of 8 for NAMI Peer-To-Peer. Leading flips my sullen to smiley. Today I was feeling depressed for most of the time I was at work. Then I got busy, but occasionally my sadness would flutter back in. It never leaves the room, but it might land somewhere else for a while. I put on my teacher mask and somehow that rejuvenated me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being flattened in a vise. Yet, there is still such joy in life. There are beautiful things happening all around. New people I meet. Fresh faces that have their own stories. I see a future where compassion is the currency. I’m an idiot though. I fumble through doing my best as you have no doubt seen.

I wonder about where my path is going. Abstractly it seems positive, but calamity wears many disguises. I’m lonely enough to fall to my doom over a woman, or become ensnared in the deliberations and reconsiderations of work.

The truth is simple: no one else needs to care if I do. I pine for affection, even here in this vast echo chamber. I give nothing of substance yet expect expect expect. I think the world appreciates me, when I could just as easily be a used gum smudge on the sidewalk. Craving your approval, I bend myself to fit a shape you’d desire. This has always been folly. It continues to be.

Have a good night Blog.

NPR – Capital Public Radio PSS Article

Here I am with my first interview for a media outlet!


View From Below

I find myself engrossed in the mud of memory, slipping Back with each grueling step forward. There is sadness dragging me down, forcing me into the decompositional murk.

It is J. The memory of her. The impact she had in my life. After 4 years, the sting of her absence is just as real as the day she flew away. I know not how no let go of that pain. I feel her like a piece missing in my soul; at the very core of who I am. She reached me like no other, and I must accept she is gone forever.

I have not been able to do this because I still love who she was. I still love what we had when it was beautiful. She understood me like none before, and now she will never come back. The pain I feel here is something years have not reduced. Her departure is as fresh and bloody as any recent wound. Now, during this warm and family time of year, I miss her the most.

In times like this, when I remember, I tend to reflect in order to preserve my sanity. Having no word from her but another hateful disconnect in our frail communications is all I have left to remember her by. Her animosity. Accusing me of rape. She must truly despise me, which is a pain I must accept. I hurt her beyond repair, and now… now I am scum. A criminal. A pile of dirt. I wish. I wish she could see how I still love her. I wish she knew.

Blog, I come here to express, not to resolve. Unless clearly stated, my feelings are cast out into the ether with no expectation of understanding or compassion. I have only my own life to answer to.

I got a job today, and now I will have an income. I am a part of a team growing into future successes and possibilities. A whole new life built on pride and honesty is available for me. It is a future brighter than I have had in a very long time. I wish I could share it with her. I wish she was here with me, in these joyous times. I love her. I will not be able to stop, even if she wishes I was dead. All the wishes in the world will fall into the endless silence. There will be no reply. The dead do not respond. My broken place remains as it was, ever hoping, never knowing.

Evening Thought-Purge

Reflecting after group, I see how common issues build bridges of compassion or understanding. I’m feeling extra introspective:

I keep hoping I’ll dream about J like I did a few weeks ago. She’s the only echo left… all the others have faded into nothing. In my dream, we had a strange encounter, but it reminded me of several aspects to my past feelings that feel very real now. In that moment with her, things were like they used to be… a familiar sort of estrangement. A sense of elusive excitement. It was a piece I could hold in my hands that now is shrinking down into nothing.

I know I’m not doing my best. I have recently, but not anymore. My best is too expensive; all I can afford is meh. Dwindle.

Longing for spark, or poof & rabbit. The friskyfied feelings. The electric arcs fingertip snapping their crackle. I remember what it was, that I had it, but that was long ago it seems.

This is a fool’s errand.

The cauldron churns some new rancid elixir which will grant stupendous charisma at the cost of unfathomable isolation.

Yet To Come

One of the conflicts I run into when attempting to communicate abstractly with others is perspective: each person I interact with has a different view of the “arc” of our trajectory as a society, and thus, a way of seeing things vastly contrary to my own. That disparity is a foreboding obstacle to honest discourse, and a defining gap in connection that is nearly always to vast to bridge. I have often found this cravase most abyssal with people I had intimate exposure to, since my traits and theirs were more entwined than in any other interaction (making comparison easy).


As I have become older, things have slowed down… the gravitational force which once had me anchored to exacting control of my reality has dramatically lessened. The resulting vacuum of “directing” force has accelerated my drift from the substantive microcosmic world of an incrementalized life.


Now, I’m left with the real quandary of making observations or comparisons that do not jive with others, or even occur as relevant. My thought processes are conclusively simple and based in a world of concrete moral contrasts and factually well-represented theories. That point also does not seem to be well understood by others.


Part of my liberation has come from not only the environmental reduction of gravity, but my own unclenching my vain attempt to control the uncontrollable, external world of others. Instead of expectation, I have thoughtful recalculation. I have no understanding of what is going to occur right up until it happens. Turns out, there is no advantage in prematurely and anxiously forecasting potential results to STILL be caught flat-footed in the eventuality of an outcome. That anxiety-train is just an indulgence of paranoia, and after enough times seeing that path lead to personal pain or failure, I have changed tracks.


Now, with that sense of existential detachment, one might expect disconnection from the cares of the societal world, if one’s moral compass points inwardly towards the self-satisfaction of narcissism. I care more, now, because even a little pile of moss is a miracle of reality in its own, clearly less impactful way. People are the ultimate gift, because there are no duplicates of the yet uncharted world of personalities, intellects, perspectives and experiences. We only get one chance to be here, to see, to breathe and be alive. Even in the most catastrophic suffering, there is still the curiously uncertain world of the unfurling, wind-snapped standard of time.



Survivor of mental illness

15 years lived experience

Mindfulness practitioner

Side-By-Side Companion


Temporary Employee


Website Administrator

Peer Connection Program Coordinator

Peer Connection Support Group Facilitator


Stacking up makes for taller piles of things. Looking at the sum of the things also pleases, especially since the evidence is right there.

My thoughts are moving around, or by. Too fast these days, and the little ribbons of the flapping as they whiz makes many dizzy and not good thoughts. Little pieces. Shrugged, slumped. Tired.

Activities such as this thumb message help. The realness of fact. The providence of knowing the self. So much remains covered in dried leaves.

Brick-Related Nonesene

I have found my words to be infrequent. I’m less inclined to open, having found safety in being closed.

I’m understanding my uniqueness better, in terms that aren’t shaming (mostly). I feel untethered from possibility because of the inherent isolation imposed by my traits, flaws, preferences and composition. The bridge I built to acceptance spans a mighty chasm, but will endure (show me how to unknow something and you can have my adoration).

Bricks are appropriate because you can’t make anything with just a couple and it usually takes a shitload of them all piled up to assemble something worth marveling at.

Just like bricks, their integrity remains solid until the ground starts moving.

I see out from the peephole. I’m here, but I only want to come out if I have one of my masks on. I have become familiar with how it fits, but it is still taking little pipet-drops away each time. I don’t notice it happening, I just do what I have to in the present. I see the quantity getting lower only as I glance away and back again after a time.

This is the mode. Survival is paramount; effectiveness depends on forward momentum. The masking suits that idea, while shielding. I won’t argue that it’s healthy, but it is not overtly destructive. My personas help move my life forward in most cases, and they are still me. Yet, they dissolve away in my solitude, and the truth hidden behind the guise is exposed. Within me lies the pile of smelly socks that is the inmost nature my true self. Having a history of repulsion, the imagery seemed appropriate.

Do you know what I’m talking about? I have simply embraced my “never” and moved on. Do you know what “never again” feels like? I do. I remind myself every day that choices have consequences.

More words will come, and maybe they will be more coherent next time.


My trajectory has been unclear recently, or, wobblier than usual. Symptoms have cost me much of the momentum I had going, but not forever.

These down times are a regular event in my town. We get out the fancy streamers and everyone dresses up like sad clowns. Tickets available on StubHub.

Point being, I’ve survived worse and more help is on the horizon.

I have recently established a career path that is ever curving toward a fully self-sustaining state. 40 hours a week. I can, quite literally, raise money to pay my salary through my own actions. A successful grant or two would accomplish that. This is the full time plateau I have sought.

I have been here with me the whole time, and I can say with confidence that he is doing about as well as he ever has. I’m pleased that he hasn’t imploded into a singularity or shattered the world with recklessly destructive explodination-related incendiary activities.

Fight! Do not let Toejamela McHosebeasterson put the sweaty foot to your throat. There is a shitload left to do our here in the world. Are you going to let Moopybritches Sucktoadersplats kick your ass today? I didn’t think so Charlie Championship. So grab your vitamin water and spiked cudgel and get out there! Let’s do this!!

My pep talks only work on the hopelessly insane.


Well, here I am… slowly sliding down the slope into a deep trough. Unlike previous trips to the big D, I am more prepared to deal with the looming possibility of decline. It helps to have known, roughly, from the beginning that my current neurochemical state was a likely outcome of the chosen medicinal path. I did knowingly discontinue the Latuda months ago because of how the side effect was daily vomiting. I was well aware at that time that this would put me precariously undefended from the natural onset of symptoms. Now that realization has been the primary catalyst towards action, I have a much more coherent and sound approach to management.

First, this is not the first time I have been low in the psychiatric drug department. This is not the first time I have realized I was becoming depressed and considered a change of course. At this juncture in my life, I have been expecting this to happen and have been planning for more than a year. My knowledge gained and support system created have and will continue to prevent my possible meteoric impact.

Lately, I have made a good steps in recognition/evaluation, and here are some things that are going to help me stabilize as time goes on:

I will need to occupy myself with volunteering and working hard, as the earned value of labor and establishment of systemic worth is a good elixir for suppressing depression, and providing a distraction. The more I give to this the higher I push the yield of possible activities.

I should really encourage myself to write here on the Blog more often. I have been avoiding it, feeling the tendrils of my expanded creativity become fully retracted. My thoughts have also been pretty fragmented, and I quickly lose interest in expressing myself. I need to risk opening up here as well as in my Peer-to-Peer class.

I need to make more time for physical exercise. The stepping, on a consistent basis does help my mood. I definitely notice when I am not doing well physically, and this seems to be an hand-in-hand with neurochemical depression. The sun helps.

Well, I’m at the end of a long day, with another thingie to do tonight. I have a career path that provides a constant reason to be introspective, which is my front-line defense against calamity. It’s a learning, and preventative place I have sent myself, which gives me plenty of tools at my fingertips when a need arises. In times such as these, I do have the skills to cope with symptoms and continue to move forward with my life. I am not destined to implode, I am interested in prevailing. The things I can do for myself now will certainly sustain me until I see a psychiatrist in the next couple of weeks. Intake on Monday.

I continue on, in pursuit of shiny friends and soft things to rub my nose on.


I’ve indicated in past notices that I viewed my current neurochemical state on a downward slope and recent observed evidence confirms that. I am alert in this state, but struggling to maintain good health.

Symptoms I have observed in the last several weeks:

Lack of interest in extracurricular or fun things

Slowness, soreness, delayed response time

Inconsistent sleep

Dramatic increase in effort required to motivate


Neurochemical imbalance/deficiencies/symptoms

Dependence on substances in effort to self-medicate


So most of that is pretty serious shit. There was no sneaking, these things have been accumulating, or increasing. Now, as I try again amidst the fray to gain some objectivity, I see how the symptoms of increasing depression have begun to surround me. At first, I turned to some default negative coping mechanisms like escape, or regression. I was having a lot of angry thoughts, and consistently find my arrow pointed down at the start of every day.

However, as I told my boss yesterday: “this isn’t my first rodeo.” I’ve been down in the black pit before, and my reluctance to go back is all the reason I need to be introspective. I was also talking about that topic last night at my Peer-to-Peer class. I spoke about how I began to grow “tired” of being down, having my life collapse and all that. I continually sought to treat my symptoms, but for years I never really understood myself, my habits, and my flaws which can cause me trouble. That lack of comprehension provided a parade of doomed solutions for me to splay myself upon prior to detonation. That dynamic proved both painful and unsustainable.


Responses I have taken to the onset of depression:

Initiated process with GP to achieve referral to see local psychiatrist (top priority)

Discontinued consistent alcohol abuse as escape mechanism

Discontinued abundant cannabis use as escape mechanism

Established regular exercise requirements outside for at least 60 minutes

Current medications are taken on time and regularly. Organized for minimal dose confusion.


I know what steps I need to continue taking to improve my condition. More activity will help contribute where my current neurochemical cocktail is lacking, but it is not a long-term solution. I need to be doing everything I can to sustain until I can see a doctor and get my medications looked at by a professional. Medication management is one of my “three pillars” theory of sustaining good mental health. All pillars must be strong for stability to be achieved, otherwise, things get tippy.

I continue to walk forward, set on improvement, while conscious of potential pitfalls and internally-generated danger.


Blog, I’m fucking in. The inner sanctum. Me. In! My feet are standing upon sacred ground.

Established, trusted, proven, vigorous, persistent, pressing, VICTORIOUS!

I can’t explain now, but know the status is unprecedented and the future limitless. I am the disciple of fortune! I am the warrior of cause!

The possibilities are limitless!


The confirmation has come, and the future is being built like a bastion of protection, and inevitable success/relevance.

I’m in Blog… and it’s the dream I’ve hoped for for so long. To have a life that gives, redeems, replenishes. It is all right here for me, ready.

This is the day, in which it begins.

The Truth

Well Blog, the truth is I’m probably not perfect. Far from it in fact. I don’t attest to be flawless, more like acutely flawed but pushing forward regardless with good intent.

I am willing to have a dialogue with anyone about anything. I’m not set in some version of reality that has to be mine. On the contrary, I have much still to learn, and remain humble in my core (despite occasional excitability).

I feel fully responsible. I have been. I have regret that pushes me forward so I can do good in the world. I want to make myself into something better than who I have been.

The only thing left is to march onward, despite pain and trauma. I hold nothing worth carrying a great distance. It is what it is, and frankly, I’m only doing a pretty good job taking steps forward.

Humble to fate, I await whatever fortune deals me. Projecting no outcome, I endeavor to do positive things for those less fortunate.

Shame can be a source for change, and I am an example of that.




Don’t get me wrong about the gravity of my past. It is huge, strong and a constant reminder of why I live the life I have now. I’m no model of perfection, as I view such a thing unattainable. The only structure to progress is to learn, adapt, and try again. I have taken my life a direction I am proud of, and that is something undeniably real.

I know the past is full of pain, and I’m very real about that. It is not a shame I deny, but once I have gained a great deal from. If not for my past, I could not have become who I am, which makes me thankful for that pain and the lessons it taught me. The choice to move beyond is just that, a choice, and it is one I make over and over again as the days advance. There is no arguing that the decision to fight is difficult every morning when I get up, but I do, and I still try, because I want to be proud of myself. I am not now a quitter, and I do not want to be remembered as one. If I am to be remembered beyond the time that I die, I would like people to remember how I helped my community, and shown a light onto minorities suffering with mental illness.

I need to earn the right to be here in the world, every day, and to never forget who I was.

Walk The Talk

Score: +4

Say hello to the newest “temporary” employee of NAMI Sacramento!

Turns out, perseverance pays off as I have now been given a temporary compensation contract for the organization’s move to new offices. I also will be representing the non-profit at the Pride Parade this Sunday at our booth on Capitol Mall. I will have a chance to interface with potential program participants or otherwise interested parties all morning as the parade gets underway. All told, today was another big logistical step forward.

I sent a message to the Mayor of Sacramento this morning with a vision for the future. A time in which communities can depend on themselves and resort to county resources when needed. I intend to forward my new and improved SCALE initiative until someone embraces the philosophy of improvement I am preaching. I don’t care if I’m just some crazy fuck shouting into the darkness. I will not be silenced. I will be heard. If not by anyone but myself. My intent is pure, and I will speak if only to make sure that the universe knows I am trying to do right by it.

The truth is, I know I was made to make a difference, somehow, some way. I can’t live the life I have lived and be satisfied. There is so much I need to atone for, and such an impact I can make given the experiences I have and the life I had. I am innovative, positive, and full of ideas for how to help communities rise above problems that do not need to continue to go unresolved. I know education and awareness can make a significant difference as once the truth of a thing is realized, it takes active deception to make it otherwise. Frankly, with the suffering that pervades, I don’t think the investment will be in continued suffering, but rather, some form of progress towards a more sustainable model of society.

I have a vision for what could be, and until proven soundly otherwise, I wills strive in whatever capacity I have at my disposal to make a difference in the world around me. For my brothers, sisters and unrecognized family in mental illness, I have your back. I am marching forward, with the tatters of the past shed free and falling behind. Now is the time for the new, the undiscovered, and the unconquered.

Full Reversal

This morning I was feeling pretty off center. After I wrote that post in the morning I sat here for a while thinking about my future, and what I wanted to do with myself. I needed a way to express my intentions, and aspirations for the time that I still have left. I resolved to channel that into something tangible, a project proposal I will shop around to the various nonprofits in town, starting with NAMI Sacramento. I spent an hour and a half pouring my intellect, talents and projected hopes into this, and brought a copy up to NAMI today. Both the lead project coordinator and executive director have it now. I honestly don’t know what will come of that, but it should be clear I am serious about grassroots activism and community awareness. My goal is to reduce taxpayer burden on public service and misuse of police resources handling issues that should be handled in the household, or surrounding community. We have to stop ignoring the issue of mental illness and start facing it down. Too many people are dying, lying homeless in the streets because we won’t look this issue straight in the eye. Now, in this time of ever increasing stakes, we need a voice of reason to help bring the focus back to where it belongs, on our home street. We either survive as a community, or we perish alone in our houses, isolated from each other with no one to save us.

I have included the full proposal I wrote below for your review. Just to provide you with some context, one of the larger challenges in this area has been activating minority communities in areas of need in terms of rendering mental illness services. Instead of burdening the system with providing care to indigent populations or others, emphasis should be returned to the individuals living in the community to be aware and mobilize to protect themselves and their environment. The motivation for this is common sense driven. The fact that we expect the police or county medical services to be the fail safe has resulted in many deaths, a huge swath of neglect, and a problem of deteriorating health and homeliness that is not improving but worsening. The status quo is failing, and now we need to really dig into why that is happening, and address a clear area of need. Bringing education to individuals will restore peace to households, change perspectives, eliminate stigma and reverse the trend of the mentally ill being scorned and relegated to the fringes of society. To restore peace to our streets, and safety in our homes, we must realize what we face, and learn about how we can better coexist with it. Opposition only leads to strife and death. The days of mental illness claiming the lives of those who have it are nearing an end, and my program aims to be the start of a new-wave of mental illness comprehension and treatment.




PROJECT: Stronger Communities through Awareness, Leadership and Education (SCALE)


Westin Eric Bailey

Peer Support Specialist

May 2018


Synopsis: In light of the need for ongoing education and awareness of mental illness (and community impacts of) in many minority and disadvantaged communities, I propose to develop a program that will deliver a series of presentations designed to make common-sense arguments for improved mental health awareness at several (initially) communities of need in the Sacramento area. This process is divided into sections in order to properly create an effective outreach tool given the unique requirements of the various constituents of the areas in question. With my background in developing advanced educational materials and my vivacious, effusive and welcoming public speaking persona, I propose a fully-interactive experience that will help to make mental health awareness something a community can become proactive about. The objective would be to inspire individual communities to take charge of activism, assess need internally and begin to understand how the individuals in their community who suffer the symptoms of mental illness can achieve safety and stability through a new comprehension of the illness itself. The project, if implemented, will reduce the workload of police, county facilities and other government provided health care for the indigent.


Phase 1 – Assessment: The first stage of the project would be to gather information from new and existing minority community leaders by conducting detailed interviews and asking questions designed to assess the needs of a given local population. Once a sufficient amount of information is gathered, the project would then assess where the program would be most effective, likely given a limited number of opportunities for presentation. The program would then develop presentations designed for each audience in the selected communities across the area, so that each would be able to directly relate to the content being presented (drawing an emphasis to how close mental illness is within their own community, whether or not it is acknowledged openly).


Phase 2 – Trials: Program can be developed for 1 target community as a “first draft” implementation of the presentation to assess if the model functions as intended. If the focus of the program is successfully interpreted, information will be gathered from program participants to determine what areas need to be improved in the presentation in order for it to be more effective. Once this stage is completed, the objective would be to begin to promote, and go door-to-door providing information to communities in need. Additional implementations on a single-community basis may be needed to provide additional feedback. This stage must be collectively certified by the leadership in order to proceed with implementation.


Phase 3 – Outreach and Awareness: This stage would provide, in advance of scheduling presentations beyond the series of trials, a campaign on social media, TV, Radio and physically taking place in the communities where it is hoped a presentation would be held. The information provided to the populations across the city would specify that the objective is to provide real concrete resources for emergency situations, answer individual questions and provide a tailored product for their community and its unique needs. Outreach will proceed the opportunity to present, and should begin to alert the community well in advance to the presentation and associated resources that will be given out.


Phase 4 – Continuation: Program’s ongoing success will be dependent on constant adaptation, revision, and improvement through a long-term creative process over the period of time in which funding is available. A team of individuals can (permitting resources) eventually be developed to do the community assessments, interviews and design educational materials themselves, helping to spread the program farther out across the counties in the area, to any community in need. A leadership structure can then be developed to help maintain oversight and spread the effectiveness of the educational outreach to any community that requests it.


Conclusion: With a captivating personality and presentation style, I intend to forward my enthusiasm for mental health awareness and take a common sense approach to living beside people who are mentally ill, and how they all can thrive together. Making the poorest, most disadvantaged populations aware of this internal-crisis of neglect is essential. We intend to provide them with logical, easily comprehensible solutions and resources at all junctures, which will have a huge impact on all individuals in surrounding communities (if not by word-of-mouth but also by improved conditions). If communities can begin to take individual responsibility for their mentally ill, there will be fewer times a not properly trained police officer is called to deal with someone in a mental health crisis. There will be less need for people to be dependent on county resources if individuals are being assisted by their communities and families. The only thing this program can do, is help people understand what mental illness is, and how to handle it when it is a local  issue. We are going to take fear and stigma out of the myriad cultural misconceptions and reduce the issue of community mental illness down to the simple practicalities: Taking care of it themselves means fewer people will accidentally be hurt, die, or be forgotten; otherwise diminishing the integrity/perception of the surrounding community. I do believe that once the program is developed, the effects will be wide-reaching. This program, if funded, can save the city and surrounding county governments lost time and resources that will no longer need to be dedicated to addressing mentally ill individuals who have no place else to go.



I’m nudging my sleep schedule in the right direction, but it is clearly going to take time and persistence. Not feeling super great today… obviously being awake ridiculously early didn’t help. I am feeling a little bounce back loneliness since I made my decision on ***. The bloom of potential trampled by another pattern that didn’t evolve with the times. It’s a shame, but frankly, better to suffer now then significantly more at some point later on down the road then the forest has thickened.

Listening to singy singy music is a lot of fun. I have that “I wish blah blah blah was here or whatever, then we could be having fun.” I’m not sure what the objective of this line of thinking is, but I don’t think “objective” matters as much as causing an ache. Thoughts like that are little weapons. If you just glance at them, they hurt, but if you study them with any scrutiny, they become impossibly illogical. Trouble is, when the feels are already all up in the zone, it gets hard to slow things down and analyze. This is the real principle of Mindful thinking, and it is a pain in the ass for all time.

However, despite the difficulty of the technique, it works. I have avoided some mistakes by putting the brakes on the first evil thing that popped into my head. I still fuck this up, and get elevated. It’s hard, like I was saying. No one but robots get it right every time.

I feel the need to draw this line


There we go.

Now, over on this side of the line is the new discipline zone. I need to regain control of my physical self and stop unintended hygiene related self-harm. My body is already abused, scarred and disproportionately goobed-out, but still my sad little temple and worth protecting. I need to re-establish an inner confidence despite the obvious optical obstacles.

A confidence that truly appreciates the worth of the whole bundle is what I’m looking to embrace. I have the strength of personality and charisma, but I need to feel proud in my skin, unafraid. I’m not there yet, and I must find a way to do it without the well of outside adoration to bolster me further. It must come entirely from within, and be just as vibrant as someone who is loved. Damn, that’s also going to be fucking hard.

Lots of things to continue working on, and hopefully, that will come easier as I work in a place where I will be practicing my good communication skills everyday. I don’t get much practice at home these days. I truly believe that the new environment I am entering into will promote a new and reaffirmed sense of self that I have been lacking. I need a good pattern to establish my routine, and a healthy job like this one is just the sort of thing I’m thinking will be right for me. At least, I have A great deal of hope that it will.

Taking negatives and flipping them over, and re framing the future so that the light of hope shines brightly on the path ahead.

My Sister’s Card

See below for my truly fantastic, original, cards for people on holidays. It is a tradition of absolutely superior quality, and to have a maker’s mark of some form. In this instance, the recipient was my sister, and the occasion is Mother’s Day. On a side note, the creatures spoken of on the card are REVILED by my sister, who insists they are among the few things on this Earth she truly despises.


I HIGHLY doubt anyone knows what the Evil Eye of Orms-By-Gore is, but if you do, tell me!


Hello again. I’m cancelling today’s trip to the Murky Trench due to injury. I went from not fishing for 2+ years to fishing every day, and needless to say, something broke. I have a sort of flick-and-guide cast motion from my right side, and one of my forearm muscles utilized in this motion is ouch. Positive it’s tendonitis and it will require time to get right, as I have had this sort of thing before for different reasons (word to the wise, don’t jerk off more than 12 times in a day). The motion of turning my forearm over at the elbow as I cast is where the pain happens. Well, fish, it looks like there is a Fish Jesus after all. Lucky little fuckers. I’m coming back. Enjoy the break… while it lasts.

So, I’m going to try to walk a bit further than normal today as, though still fishing is clearly a LEISURE ACTIVITY not a SPORT, it does require stamina to do it for any length of time with a fast-retrieve bait. I cast anywhere from 35 – 65 times a morning depending on how many bugs there are. It does take a particular set of muscles to launch a spinnerbait a few dozen yards, just like it takes wrist and ass strength to drive a NASCAR round and round for hours. Also, not a sport. Golf is on the border… if they did less walking I’d say Leisure Activity but those fuckers do burn the calories.

I’m not one of those anglers who’s all serious and shit. Yeah, like when have I ever been serious about anything other than fucking up my life? I’m the misguided angler, the one too stubborn to adapt and be successful, the one who thinks his attitude of denialism will somehow lead to a fish. Hmmm, this introspective journey has led me to a corner I cannot bullshit my way out of. New paragraph!

So I’m going to need to vent from time to time out here about these Goddamn fish. All this time they’re going to their little cocktail parties and they’re discussing my tiny human brain and stupid head/face over their dry Vodka martinis. FUCK YOU GUYS. Laugh it up Fishies. Enjoy this little peak moment when you feel like you are all safe, secure and not harassed by an annoying angler. These days of quiet are numbered pally. For you and all your little swimmy friends. Soon. The Reckoning!

I feel like I should quote John’s Revelation or something, but chances are, these Bass haven’t read the New Testament and they totally wouldn’t get it. Wait, are the fish reading my blog? How would they see this? HOLY SHIT. Epiphany. Boom.

Hope you have a good morning blog. I need to sit in the shower for a while and loosen up my muscles, while also cleansing myself of all the stuck-on food, poop, pee splatter and fungus off my epidermis. Talk to you later.

Warmline Monday

Good morning blogosphere.

I’m looking forward to making my warmline callbacks today for NAMI Sacramento. I’ll volunteer from 8:00 am to 2:00 pm and return those messages, provide resources and indulge in some peer support if needed. This is just the foot-stuck-in-the-door moment where I am trying to wrangle with relevance. Establishing myself as a good peer advocate and resource, I can then project my ambitions forward (hopefully as responsibility/worth increases). I need to think about that since I only have a limited amount of time in which I can contribute nothing financially.

Though that “nothing” will soon be much more than that if I indeed see the legal settlement come through sometime soon. I’m not in a hurry. I haven’t bought anything but beer in a couple weeks, and maybe a Snickers. DON’T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT THE DIET… I AM WORKING ON IT. On that note, I have been hugely increasing my exercise daily, as well as trying to eat better. I do have unhealthy habits that need to stop which have negative side-effects. I throw up a lot as it is, so the fewer things I can do to myself that lead to barfing would be best.

I’m getting ready to go fish despite my regrogatated body. The hurts. However, being out in that brisk air, and watching the sun come up is pretty fucking awesome. Have a great morning world!


It’s been a while since I checked in, and that’s largely for encouraging reasons. I tend to feel the need to write when things are turbulent, and within the past two weeks things have been pretty good. I have been taking the Latuda for a while now and I think the 40 mg dose is having an effect. My mood has been better, and my energy is up a bit. I’m back to a good level of exercise and my sleep has been fairly consistent. 

I am more resolved now than ever before to stay single and live my life the way I want. I don’t need approval from anyone but myself. My intent is to do the best job I can being who I am  and hold my head up with the realization of that. I’m severely mentally ill, but I won’t let that own my life. 

Will came down and visited, which was really great. We hung out like the old days and it reminded me of all the good times we’ve had together. We have been hanging out online and playing games with friends lately which has been excellent fun. The longer this pattern goes on the happier I’ll be. 

I’ve had some hard times in the recent past. I have also taken action when I noticed things were getting bad. I have been trying to be friends with Amanda, but I feel like I felt right before I broke up with her. It’s the same pattern of frustration and I don’t think I have any relevance to her anymore, or ever at all. I thought I could help her get a fresh start and provide guidance as someone who has successfully recovered from total life collapse, but I have doubts as to my messages being understood. Mind you, my life collapse was not as severe as hers, but many of the parallels should be noted. I have wisdom to give, though it is not “fun” to hear. Often times recovery isn’t about making the easy choice, but the one we must face down in order to go farther. Progress is earned, and the reward is pride. I don’t think Amanda gets that, which is still painful to see unfold. 

All I want is to help. I care about some people, and I don’t hesitate to offer assistance to those who need it, whether they ask for it or not. Sometimes help is a hug, or a smack in the face, but it serves a purpose either way, and that is to promote and acknowledge healthy behaviors. I myself have taken this type of advice and adopted regular meditation to my bedtime routine. I’m very reluctant to meditate because it is ridiculously hard to calm my mind for more than a couple of seconds. It’s a huge battle for me, but it is part of training my mind and to have control over my thoughts. People told me to be more mindful, and here I am implementing that in my personal reality. As a result, I have conclusively increased the sleep stage that provides me with a rested feeling the next day (Fitbit calls this: deep sleep). I was averaging less than an hour per night, and waking up feeling groggy and I was behind schedule. Since the meditation, that number has risen to more than an hour and a half, and I’ve had several excellent mornings in a row now. I do indeed practice what I preach. 

I hope you all have a good night. I’m happy that tomorrow is Thursday and we are but a stone’s throw from the weekend. Jubilation! 

Time To Check-In

I am creating a new one of these because the one I used in the past is a piece of crap. This is an evaluative tool to help me better understand the health of all the various aspects of my bipolar mind. I am creating it to help demonstrate where I still need to improve and bring to light any glaring weaknesses in my current approach based on a simple analysis of the conditions of my conscious state. WARNING: this evaluative tool is custom tailored for ME and my Bipolar type II symptoms with the questions it asks, it may not be useful unless fucked with a bit.


Rate each question 1, for strongly disagree, to 10, strongly agree. 5 for neutral


Anxious thoughts under control? 6

Depressed thoughts popping up often? 1

Any self-harming thoughts? 1

Is is difficult to concentrate? 4

Do you have volatile emotional responses to things? 2

Are you talking before you are thinking? 2

Have you been blogging with regularity? 9

Have you practiced meditation for 10 minutes a day? 1

Did you motivate yourself to do something that needed to be done? 10

Have you been feeling aggressive, irrational, risky and obsessed? 1

Have you been feeling lethargic, disinterested, uninspired and lost? 2

Have you been genuinely happy in the past few days? 9

Have you been so sad you cried lately? 10

Would you consider yourself stable? 10


Are you capable of sustained activity of 30 minutes or more? 2

Have you met The Determined Penguin Project weight goal? 1

Have you been meeting your goals with Fitbit consistently? 10

Have you lost weight this week? 5

Has your energy been stable and at a good level the past few days? 9

Have you been sleeping 8 hours a night? 3

Are you eating food that will improve your physical health? 2

Are you increasing your activity level next week? 10

Less Than Maximum

Score: +3

231 Day Average: +2.93

I haven’t really had the “umph” to write much lately. Things at work have been complex and energy-consuming, but I generally enjoy the work I do more than I did in the past. I just wish I was making what I’m worth.

I’ve had a bit of a break from stress lately. Things have been less crazy-intense. I’m finding I have a bit more energy after my shift is over, and I can muster the strength to do a few chores here and there. Amanda is back in a depressive cycle. She’s with her doctor right now trying to work with him on a solution. She missed work again today and things have been hard for her at work because of it. She’s struggling, and there’s nothing I can do about it but be there to comfort her.

My parents are coming back this week, and I think Amanda and I are going over to their mobile abode Friday after work. It’s been more then 4 months since I saw them. I’m looking forward to this week being over for more reasons than that. I feel like my energy reserves are draining slowly, and soon I will not have much left. I need better sleep, and I really wish I could wake up quickly and get going. Things have been a slog for me in the mornings. Maybe I’m getting depressed too?

Amanda bought me an e-cig for my birthday (which is coming up) and I really like it. I was about to go buy a pack of cigarettes because I had the craving SO BAD, but this seemed like a better solution. I got smoky flavors, and they are nice. i can’t imagine the sweet tasting ones… yorf. I much prefer vaping pot, or smoking musky cigarettes or cloves. It’s the bold smoke taste that gets me. I also like black coffee, see STRONG. Anyway, I brought it with me to work and it was cool having it on my 15 minute breaks. I’ve been following fantasy football through the week but not doing that second-guessing thing I had been doing. IO lost last week because I did that. So now, I’m just going to go with the initial gut-reaction and play it from there. Rethinking things only leads to disaster.

Have a good day blog, nice to see you.


Score: +2.5

It’s been a tough couple of days. With the heat being as unrelenting as it has been, I’ve not been getting good rest and feeling generally irritable. I had a bad nightmare two nights ago, and that can make my neurochemistry imbalanced the following day. Yesterday I only worked a half day. I just reached a breaking point and just lost all energy and focus. Today it was much the same, but I got 3/4 of the way and bailed out. I have been having a very hard time focusing on my job. My mind wanders and I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. I often find myself typing things out that I’m thinking rather than what I should be doing. This has been getting worse lately, peaking today, where nearly everything was off. I was double checking, which made the already tedious process even slower. I’m not sure what my problem is. 

I know I deal with ADD symptoms, but I’ve always been able to push through it. This week though… I’m hopeful that tomorrow will be better. 

I’m also feeling increasingly depressed. I don’t know what trigger is. This heat is like poison to me. Maybe that long weekend just contrasted so harshly with the brutality of the work week in a very stark way. I wish I was still having fun like I did, but that’s not realistic. Life is mostly work, occasionally enjoyable. There are people out there who genuinely love their jobs, but I do not. My job is hard, and as ceaseless as the mail. I never truly enjoyed it, even when I first started. I’m good at it, and I understand it well enough, but I don’t take much pleasure from it. This will be my lot, because I don’t get to just choose whatever I want to do. I dropped out of college, and I have no skill that is something that I would like to do professionally. I could see myself as a PC game designer, or managing a computer repair shop… maybe. But these are dreams, and just as unattainable as my other incorporeal fancies. I don’t spend much time on things that will never “be.”

I’m sure this will pass. I just need to hunker down and get through this rough spot. It’s not as hot today as it was yesterday. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.  


Score: +3

I’ve had some lazy days before, but TODAY was a level of slouchatude that I have rarely embraced in all my life. Both Amanda and I worked pretty much all day yesterday doing chores. We celebrated by driving up to the top of Mt. Helix in La Mesa to watch the sunset above the city. It was hazy, and surprisingly crowded up there, but we had a good time. We drank coffee and stayed up way too late watching movies.

Today, on the other hand…

The only thing we managed to do was get to Target and buy some things for the boy, since we have him next week starting Monday evening. Other than that, I watched the Padres lose today to the Cardinals, and I tried to nap but just laid in bed with my eyes closed wishing I could. I think maybe this is a communal decision to just let everything go today and try to recharge the energy battery with a very busy week coming up. I know I will be ready to go tomorrow.

I haven’t been able to focus on anything for any decent amount of time. ADD hitting me today. Fuck, it’s taken me 30 minutes just to write these two paragraphs. I need to just sit back and let go. I’m stressing about not doing anything.

The Shift

Score: +2.5

Everything is changing. I have a new shift at work, from 5:30 am to 2:00 pm. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be done with that evening schedule.  Now, I will have half of my day left to do with as I please, with no more aborted mornings and abbreviated nights. Im going to miss just sleeping in until I woke up naturally, but that is a luxury I am fully willing to sacrifice for time. 

I had my first of seven consecutive days of work today, a Sunday 6:00 am to 3:00 pm shift. The call volume was so unbelievably slow that I damn near drove myself insane with boredom. I feel so mentally and physically exhausted, and yet, I did very few things to justify this. Boredom leads to very negative anxiety coming out of the depths and haunting me. I know I must be able to be bored and not spiral out of control, and facing this issue is very important to me. There are going to be times where I get bored, but I do not want that to be a trigger for anxiety. Amanda suggested I read a book, which is very doable from my computer at my desk. She’s concerned because I have allowed myself to spiral down because of anxiety and crash, and she was there to help me get grounded again. But it was scary. I get that. It’s scary for me too. 

Most importantly though, my world has been shifted by four hours. It’s still light outside, and I am tucked under my blankie and ready for bed. I feel like my brain got run over by a semi. Tomorrow, my alarm will sound at 4:30 am and I will need to collect myself and get going. I will go in at my new time and turn the page on those months of 9:30 starts. 

All in all, this is a much needed transition. I will be able to exercise with Amanda in the evenings and we will get to spend way more time together than ever before. Which is great because I really love being with her. She makes me very happy. 

Goodnight blog. Today was one of seven. Tomorrow will be day two. 

Bipolar Day

Score: +2

I was all over the place. I attempted to abruptly change my schedule today by waking up at 4:00 am to be at my desk by 5:00 am. I did manage to accomplish this. Why? Because I had a 2:00 psychiatry appointment with my new doctor, and if I started work at 5:00 am I would be done working by 1:30 pm. But my body had something different in mind. I got all the way to work, and took the first call of the day, but I could hardly talk. My speech was slurred like I was drunk. I had a very difficult time concentrating, and my eyes were drifting closed. I could not function, so I drove myself home, and proceeded to sleep for four more hours. Never doing THAT again. 

But while I had the time, I called in about another collections agency that had come asking for money. Money that I indeed owe them, mind you. I spoke to Gregory, and he didn’t mince words: he said my calling in to settle the debt was a “good faith gesture” and he then enrolled me in a total debt consolidation program. They took my entire federal debt and settled it, then set up a payment plan with me over the next 25 years to get the debt paid back (in increments I will be able to afford). That’s good news. 

I met with Dr. Paintal today. She’s an older Indian woman who seems approachable and practical. I explained my history, and stressed the importance of balance. She was attentive and understanding. It was a great meeting. I got my medications refilled and will go pick them up tomorrow, but will have to pay for them for the first time in a while. I think I’m going to get along well with my new doctor. 

I have settled in to understanding the way to victory in my 1 vs 1 skirmishes against the Hard AI. I have won on every map starting with Argonath and ending at Cair Andros. I just recently won with Isengard against Rohan, and that was an Uruk spam if ever there was one. I sprinkled in some crossbowmen with steel bolts to thin the infantry, then the wall of Uruk-hai would get to their archers. It seems the key to any kind of success is establishing a thriving economy. Before and real combat begins, my bases have 3 – 5 resource buildings all at level 3 production. Getting big armies and heroes on the field takes lots of income, and the AI will rapidly overrun you if you can’t get control of at least 50% of the settlements. I’m playing on random now, just trying to get familiar with the different factions. The mod is great fun, and even Tristan is into it. 

Well. Two good things and one bad thing. I’ll take that. 

No Bueno

Score: +2

Big downturn today. Customers were arrogant, rude and obnoxious while they ignored me or hung up on me all day long. Chris knocked me over and made me spill my water on Mike’s desk. Jojo stole my Kana tickets that I claimed and didn’t even ask me if it was cool to do so. I didn’t get to do my order entry game today even though everyone else did. My company never paid me for being the on call tech last month. It’s been a shit day. 

My mood is low; I feel oppressed and generally stomped on. It was nice to be done and come over to Amanda’s place. I feel very loved there, it it was great being there tonight. It really refreshed me. But today was a bad day. I guess everybody has to be the one in the barrel sometime. 

Tomorrow is a new day. Sleep is the great equalizer. 

Hearts On Fire

Score: +3.5

My workload was roughly half of what it was yesterday, and it showed after work as I had WAY more energy to go around. 

Tristan sits on me a lot, and we talk in that cryptic discourse that occurs between children and adults. Today he was interested in my hands, perhaps because they are much larger than his, but there’s no telling what indecipherable motives he has. But he’s affectionate, and he takes direction when things get serious. He ate chicken that I cooked tonight, even though he is a very, VERY picky eater. 

Amanda and I are openly discussing our future: we are planning the next step forward our relationship will take. Namely, living arrangements. We want to get a townhouse or condo and move in together. I think this is a logical, frugal step. I’m in love with her, and I want to be a family and raise Tristan like he was my son. I want to be with Amanda for good, not just for a time, but for the rest of my time. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married again, but I do want to be hers for as long as she will have me. We have started on a long journey that is 84 days old today, and there will be many more than that to come. I want these things. In my heart I am flying through the sky with the sun on my back. 

But how to tell my traumatized parents? They don’t know I’m in love, let alone wanting to live together. But I am talking to them Friday, and they will at least know that I love Amanda then. I don’t know how they will react. I’m scared to tell them, fearing reprisal. I can’t expect enthusiasm, because I have hurt them so many times in the past. But I genuinely feel that this time is vastly different than those other relationships where I rushed, paid no attention to details, and utterly failed. I built up trust and respect, which culminated in a stalwart and confident love. It’s unlike the fire, blinding passion and inscaciable lust of my past relationships. I have passion, but it resonates deep like a drum and runs through me like capillaries. It is coiled around the fiber of my being, and represented by facts, truths and observations. I am by no means done getting to know her; humans being creatures of constant adaptation and change. But I know that I don’t want anyone but her. I hope for a Poitier outcome in my procrastinated revelation. We shall see. 

Goodnight blog. Many things to think about…


Score: +2.5

55 Day Average Score: +3.07

My score is low because I am totally out of energy today. I had a very fast but laborious day at work, handling 32 calls, 12 of which were outgoing. I do tend to forgo having excess energy for staying occupied through the day. So I may have started my shift somewhere in the 3.5 area, but as the day wore on and the intensity of my tasks increased, that number was eroded away. I am supposed to be able to handle 32 calls a day no problem, but today’s lot were really complicated, extra-step-needed type issues. Learning opportunities, yes, but at great cost. 

I came over to Amanda’s apartment and I was utterly spent. I did manage to cook dinner (chicken thighs and a mixed-greens salad), but I was so tired. I wasn’t much fun to be around, I imagine. It’s really hard to have a jam-packed day and then still have enough energy left over to have an evening. I hardly play games at night anymore. I’m usually just disrobing, hygiene, bed. And tomorrow I need to be up ass early to get to therapy at 8. It usually takes me 40 minutes to get from Spring Valley to the clinic near Mission Bay. I want to talk to Margaret about this anxiety I have when bored, and how destructive it can be. I want to hear her thoughts on what actions I can take to limit the harm these rapid down-spirals can trigger. 

I’ve been keeping a score representing a numerical value based upon overall mental health and energy levels for 56 consecutive days, and I will undoubtedly continue into the future. I find the score forces me to go back over my day and chart how I was feeling or what percentage of full my energy was at as the day progressed. It’s introspection in the most logical of terms, and profoundly relevant to my ongoing stability. I can easily chart my mood and see how it has changed, what triggered low scores, and what led to higher ones. Data collection. Boom. 

I’m in love. I have a stable, prosperous life. I am building a family and managing my wellbeing. Soon things will shift, and life will be different, but still mine. I treasure my time with Amanda. Just being there with her, holding her hand. It’s quietly significant, because it is comforting and it feels like home. 



Score: +3

It’s Monday, and things were busy at work but I was not totally inundated with tasks. I didn’t check my log, but it felt like a 20 – 25 call day. I had some time to fart around the internet and read some stuff about the Edain mod. The best part of my shift was being able to talk to Amanda and help her through a really bad anxiety attack and subsequent emotional turmoil. I mean, it’s not like I can fix anything and make the anxiety go away, but I can help understand, listen and suggest logical thought-processes that might help lessen the momentum of some anxiety-driven arguments. The mind has the ability to pulverize itself with dread, but the same capacity to liberate itself from fear and worry. Nothing is going to take the physical anxiety symptoms away, no matter how logistical thoughts become. I realize these things, but I feel like I was able to be there for her today, while I addressed my pacified responsibilities at work. It felt like a good connection. 

I went over to her place tonight, at the start of the week with her son. We all sat around and I made some steaks, which we had to eat without side dishes because all the salad was rotten and SOMEONE ate the rice for lunch. Anyway, it was really nice holding Amanda and sitting on the couch talking about our plans for the future. It’s looking more and more like a shared living situation will be our path, sometime in the next few months. We want to get Amanda’s art show in the rear view mirror before taking any action, because of the financial burden and available time. But we could easily afford a house, with all the amenities, and be able to come home to each other. It’s a great plan, because I love her, and I want to spend my time being with her. It feels good, and she makes me very happy. Her son could use a familiar house and family unit to grow up with too. 

So we discussed, and looked at options. It’s something we want to do, but obviously aren’t ready to do yet. It’s a pleasant thought, to be with her that way. 

So today was medium. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Hoorah. 


Score: +4

I had an appointment with Dr. Judge today, and it went really well. We discussed my transition over to my new psychiatrist, and we reveled in my ongoing stability. Things have been pretty nominal in the last several months. My new life direction has brought me plenty of happiness. 

Work has been good. I’m more-or-less falling in line and just concentrating on doing my job. I get handed extra responsibilities all the time, and that keeps me somewhat occupied. I do get bored though, and when I do, some bad shit starts to go down. I get nervous, and negative things start popping into the forefront of my mind. I spin and spin with anxiety. My doctor (this morning) said I aught to try and talk through it in therapy with Margaret. I agreed, and I will on Wednesday. Yes, something I will need to discuss. 

I spent my evening with Amanda, who just likes to be called Amanda. She’s a new fan of carnitas, and I’m a happy camper. I have a great friend, who I trust and respect. We are building familiarity, and these steps are many and over a long road. I’m glad to be getting to know her better, because I find her interesting. I have love in my heart again and it feels good. 

I found a bug in the Edain mod last night. On the map Mountains of Angmar, there are supposed to be three snow trolls guarding the east and west outposts… trouble is, the models for the snow trolls are part of the Angmar faction, which has yet to be introduced to the game. They should arrive sometime soon in a patch. But the mod team was quick to make changes, and released a 4.01 patch. Now the snow trolls are back, verified by me today. Though I’ve had no more wins. I played as Arnor on the now bug free Mountains of Angmar map and died to Isengard. Then I moved down and picked a new map and started using Isengard. The faction is neat, they seemed a little more early game less late game to me. It all really depends on how fast you can get to forged blades. Those Uruks are fun though. I didn’t mind the no walls, in fact, I rather liked it. I played as Isengard vs Mordor and lost. I played Isengard against Gondor and lost again. My build order is no good, apparently.

Have a good night. 


Score: +4

There comes a time of reckoning on weekends when some critical few things need to be accomplished, I’ve found. I need fresh clothes for work, and I require enough food to get me through the week among other issues. I should make the time to clean up my domicile and apply myself to at least one extraordinary task like scrubbing the shower floor or detailing the sink. Once that is done, I can afford myself some time to relax. 

While Sunday was largely about me working on chores, this weekend has been quite good. It started off with a Friday get-together at my parent’s RV. I like to spend some time with them because it nourishes me. Plus I got to hear lots of positive gossip about Amanda. 

All this week I had been going to Amanda’s place and cooking with her after I got off work. Simple meals like chicken, salad and rice. We prepared food and hung out as a little three person unit. I really like that time I get with them, even if we are just sitting around watching Sponge Bob. 

This weekend we did lots of things: we went swimming in the community pool (which we had all to ourselves on Saturday). Later we went to Amanda’s parent’s place and I bought dinner for everyone. Her sister Melissa came too and gave me a hug right off the bat. Things trended steadily up from there. George told me all about the mine he jointly operates. He has a problem with short-term memory, so he says a lot of the same things over again, but it doesn’t bother me. I still have fun talking to him and showing interest in his work. The evening went great. Then Amanda and I put the boy to bed and stayed up until 10 talking to each other. 

But Sunday I had to take care of my stuff. I got up early and scurried around until my shit was done. I tried to come home tonight and play, but my brain can’t handle it. Edain is out and I’ve not logged one skirmish. To be honest, I just wanted to finish XCOM: Enemy Within before getting my head into The Battle for Middle Earth II again. Especially when I’ll be figuring it out as I go along because of the complete overhaul Edain has brought. Right now in XCOM I’m on the temple ship mission, and my squad looks like this: 1 Sniper, 1 Support, 2 MEC Paladins, 1 Assault, 1 Heavy. I had a Major rank sniper through most of the game, but he was killed in action closer to the end of the campaign. I’ve cycled through the assault as well, because they always get hit and have a propensity for being in precarious positions. I had two other MEC troopers, and I killed them both. But then I made two after that and those ones made it all the way through. They have 30 – 40 kills each, and the highest possible rank. That kinetic strike does 18 damage and can be used twice a turn. Sick. Anyway all I have left to do is storm the temple ship and end the game. Then I will start in on Edain. 

It has been a great weekend. And tomorrow is another chance to go out there and get after it. 

Called Into Question

Score: +3

For the most part today was great, but I had some run-ins with ineptitude at work. I’m, largely, surrounded by people who are not interested in putting forth their best effort in their endeavors. They would much rather socialize and laugh all day than put forth the extra energy to accomplish the work that is otherwise being ignored/neglected. It takes initiative to succeed, and I have asked my supervisors at every turn if there is more I can do. I’ve been aggressive about reporting failures to the right people. Things are a little frustrating at times, but I am going to try and relax a little. I could learn a lot from Amanda in this regard. She is ridiculously calm, and easy-going. I really like that. I’ve been with such sensitive, high-strung partners in the past. I’ve always been terrified of saying the wrong thing, and having to walk on eggshells all the time. Jennifer would pounce on the slightest miscalculation in speech and a huge fight would ensue. Jax took EVERYTHING personally, like I was attacking her at every opportunity. Amanda is impregnable. Tonight I felt like I was really rude in bragging about going to my parent’s place to smoke when she can’t because she has Tristan. But she reassured me. She wasn’t angry with me. She just brushed it off like it was an unwanted fluffy on her shirt. I really dig this girl. 

Tomorrow is Friday. It’s been a pretty solid, productive week. My mood has been pretty good. Not fluctuating much at all. I’m working hard and making myself proud. All good things. One more day to go…


Score: +3.5

It could have been a very stressful day today, but I chose to have a different take on it. I decided that I was doing the best I knew how, and even though people on the phone were mad, I would not let their misdirected anger affect me. I had 2 irate people to deal with today, and by the end of one of them I was laughing and joking with the lady. It couldn’t have gone any better, to be honest, I’m sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it may, but I feel like if anyone listened to my call they would understand what was going on. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m doing really great at my job overall, and earning the respect of my supervisors. Things are going good, due in large part to my attitude. 

I had a good session with Margaret today, and I made it not be as much about me. I was feeling bad because we never talk about her at all. I understand that therapy is supposed to be about me, but I need to see my therapist as a human being first. How can I trust her point of view if I don’t have any idea what kind of person she is? She’s not a cardboard cutout that I yammer at, she’s a real person with feelings and a life. I need to understand her (somewhat) in order to consider her words valid. So I found out she is in a new relationship that started about the same time mine did. And she is feeling spoiled by a chivalrous man, much the same way I take care of Amanda. And her relationship is built on friendship, not lust and passion. She has real feelings, but they don’t all have to explode out all at once. This is congruent to how I feel in my own relationship. Funny how things line up? 

I had plenty of chances to destroy myself today. I did not. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, my mind was running on with bad thoughts and music that wouldn’t stop. A sign of a potential psychotic episode. But I woke up today feeling rejuvenated and functional. Even though it was ass early. 

Have a good night blog. 


Score: +2.5

I had a +3.5 most of the day, but it all fell apart at the end of my shift. My supervisors gave 2/3 of the evening shift guys the day off, leaving me as the only call agent in the queue between 5:00 and 6:00 pm. There aren’t an excessive amount of calls IF you have 3 guys handling them. But one guy? I was inundated with time-consuming issues while incoming calls piled up in the queue. The second I was off one call, I was right back on another. Kaiser hopped in to help out because I was floundering. So that +3.5 I had going into the final hour quickly evaporated off and left my brain starved, depleted and done. 

I had an evening with Amanda and Tristan, but I was deadpan, listless and tired. We had chicken, rice and salad. It was really nice, but I couldn’t really express much. I was drained of my vital energy, and I must have seemed unhappy to Amanda. In reality, being there with them was the thing I was most looking forward to all day. But I couldn’t enjoy it or prosper much in being there: I was mentally out of gas. 

Amanda works so hard. I admire her, for what obstacles she has to clear on a given day. She does it calmly, and with dignity. I can learn a lot from her example. 

Tomorrow I go see my therapist, and for once, I don’t really want to talk about me. I want to know what challenges she is facing with her bipolar daughter, and how she is dealing with them. It’s been tough on my parents, seeing my whole world shatter on several occasions. So I can’t imagine that Margaret’s daughter will have a completely benign experience with bipolar disorder. My life is going along fine. I’m taking the right steps and I’m being mindful. I want my therapeutic relationship to go both ways. 

Have a good night blog. I’ll see you tomorrow. 

Just A Ham Sandwich

Score: +3.5

40 Day Average: +2.95

Hello. I’m doing swell. Life is both interesting and challenging. Some days my neurochemicals are balanced and everything is good. Other times, I must commit a great deal of energy to fending off sadness, and largely fail at doing so. But these off days are few, as indicated by the graph. I seem to be more on top of things than I have been in a very long time. I’m succeeding at work, and striving for a balanced, healthy lifestyle. I want to be here, to see things change with my eyes, to be alive in a meaningful way. I value having a purposeful way of inhabiting the Earth. I try not to judge or generalize, and I’m always willing to give anyone a try. 

It was back to work today, but I really didn’t mind. The work was steady, and the time between start and lunch got there in about 30 minutes. I was able to catch a few words with Amanda, but she was busy. It never really slowed down until around 4:30 pm. I took maybe 2 calls the rest of the way. I’m all alone tomorrow night. The supervisors gave 2 of the 3 closing shift guys the night off. Which means it’s me and Kaiser from 5:30 on. I don’t mind. If anything, I take it as a sign that they trust me enough to hand the wheel over to me for a while. I’m the only guy answering the phone at the DTOC. I sure hope I have a good night. 

Anyway, I’m in love blog. Duh. I’m having fun with a great woman. She inspires my enthusiasm and churns my desire. I’m looking forward to continuing to love her, and her son. I feel very welcomed into her world, as this weekend was total immersion. I feel great about it. There’s still a lot to learn, and understand, but I’m content with the speed at which I learn it. We’re not taking premature action, we are contemplating the next minor step. 

I’m a happy boy, on a roll. 

I have been playing the expansion to XCOM: Enemy Unknown called XCOM: Enemy Within. It is a remake of the original but with a new storyline and some added content. One of the primary differences is meld, a new resource for you to collect. It is to be found on the battleground maps, hidden in the fog of war, but on a self destruct timer that will destroy the meld if it is not found before it expires.  Meld is used to create and upgrade mecs (more new content) or, cybernetic battlesuits with a human body and head but the rest machine. And you can spend meld on biological enhancements for your soldiers, loading them up with special abilities. 

It adds a new storyline with another covert agency called EXALT vying for control (like XCOM would have) after the invasion is thwarted. You spend a good deal of time going on data recovery missions and killing genetically modified EXALT agents. Plus, the aliens attack XCOM headquarters with many units. Soldiers die faster because the AI is more aggressive about standing in the open and taking clear shots on flanked targets. I have turned over many, many soldiers in my current game, and if I haven’t killed them, I’ve injured them severely. My hangars are near having a firestorm in each country, and UFOs getting away is my current major problem. 

I’m maybe 3/4 of the way through the game. It’s fun. I’ll play it to the end and I’m sure it will be good. 

Exciting Things

Score: +4

I really love her. This weekend I got to know Amanda better through her acquaintances: Becky, Claudie, Debbie,  Maryann and Will. I’ve only heard stories referencing these individuals, but this weekend was all about understanding Amanda better. And the interactions I had with her friends helped me to see her as they saw her, and compare my results to theirs. But I just love her so much. She has been through such hell at times, and now things are different. We’re not alone anymore. I feel rejuvenated by the fountain of her caring. I have lived with great self shame and loathing in the past, but I think Amanda can see that I’m a changed man. I’ve found that I can be a good friend to myself, and trust in who I am in the world. I know how happy she makes me feel. And not for any other reason but that she is looking out for me. She has my back. She’s also a witty person, with a sense of humor and creative talent. Her friends, and the way she blended in with them really helped me see what her past was like, the groups she used to affiliate with, the inside jokes, it all helped me see. I know now how active and vibrant she can be. That depression and illness are terrible burdens. And even despite that, to live a fulfilling life. I just want to bring more happiness into her world. 

We compliment each other with our different skill sets. I’m very pleased with my partner blog. Together, we can make an effective team. Because facing mental illness alone is only necessary if your way of expressing it is to drive everyone off. Otherwise, you can pair up with another student of the human condition and protect each other. Two minds working together to prevent depression from starting, or calming each other down from anxiety. It’s hard to do it on your own. But possible. Much preferable to be with someone else. 

I’m a happy boy. I have the love of someone special, and I promise to do my best and look out for her whenever possible. I think she’s the kind of soul that can keep me happy and healthy for the long haul. I’m done looking around. I’ve found someone I can trust. 

The Scores: Update 2


I have been keeping a numerical value that represents an average between measurable levels of energy and emotional health. The scale goes form +10 (mania) to -10 (suicidal depression) because I’m bipolar and can swing either way. So it is wise of me to keep track of variations in the mood and demeanor. Don’t I have to be? After all the mistakes I’ve made, you’d think I’d be taking it seriously this time. Well I am, and I hope that by learning and observing I can gain some form of understanding about myself. That is the hope. 

Score: +3.5

Today was an uneventful day in work land. I did what I always do, and I kept my head down. I was really looking forward to getting off work and spending my evening with Amanda. That girl makes me so happy. I want to embrace her into my life, to be my friend and confidant, my companion. If we can look out for each other, and forward the cause of living a healthy, happy lifestyle, I see no reason why we couldn’t go far. We can help each other when we’re down, and relish the joy of being up. There are many possibilities available at this time. The future is uncertain at best. 

I know that people do better when they pair up and become a team. It has always been my hope that I would find that. I have struggled to achieve it my whole life. To trust and love with loyalty and conviction. To have the assurance of not being abandoned when the going got tough. To hold hands despite the pain. We can get through this. Together. 

Amanda and I are just starting out. We have a long time to watch each other grow with time. She will come to see how steady and confidant I am, and I will learn who she is. And we shall make happy memories. 

Have a good night blog. 

Over The Edge

Score: +3.5

Tonight I was going over to Amanda’s apartment to cook dinner. I brought our little canabis bag along as well. We decided to start things off with a quick toke which proved to be a mistake. I brought out a medium sized bong and gave her WAY too big a hit, and sent her spinning out of control. As the local expert on being disasterously too high, I knew right away what was going on. It’s a thing that must be endured, because nothing makes the THC metabolize any faster. To the best of my knowledge. Anyway, I’m here with her now, and she’s sleeping on the bathroom floor near a toilet. The night I did this very thing to myself, about 16 years ago, my friend Ben snuck over and got me way too stoned. Then I was spinning, literally, rotating around out of control. I rapidly vomited everything possible for nearly an hour, with my parents wondering what the hell had happened to me.  When they left I was perfectly sober, normal and healthy. The rotating began to stop, after a time. It faded away. And then I was back to normal. The same is true tonight. It’s a bummer, and it’s my fault. I gave her that huge hit. I realize now that a much smaller hit would not have ended this evening. I’m going to hang here until this blows over. However long it takes, because I love her, and I will not abandon her (like she asked me to during the worst of it) in a time of need. 

I’ll keep you posted. Who knows?

**UPDATE 9:45 pm**

She crashed into bed and went off to dreamland. But after only a brief nap she was markedly cogent and able to give me final directions before she went off to bed. I made sure she was tucked in and cozy. I myself have to get to sleep. I feel bad about how I was responsible for making tonight what it was. But it also gave me an opportunity to stand by Amanda and show her that she is loved. Even though I can’t make the symptoms go away, I can remind her that help is not far away. 

That One Day Off Thing

Score: +3

It was a busy day today blog. I got started early, heading down to storage around 9 and getting a single load of rocks going in the tumbler. These were the stones my uncle had picked up on the beaches in Carlsbad (quartz, agate and chalcedony). 

From there I went home and started my laundry, which absorbs 2 hours because the dryer takes forever. So I completed some downloads of TV shows for my parents and put them on the backup drive to be transported  to their place later. After the file copy was done, I was on the move again. 

I headed for Amanda’s house. Together, we were going to go shopping for food to prepare during the week. I will be coming over after work and preparing food with her to help us manage a healthy lifestyle. I’ve been eating shitty food, and I do believe it has only hurt me to do so. My energy is (on average) low, and my body is just getting heavier. It’s not as much fun to move around when you weigh a lot. It hurts. So eating better will lead to natural weight loss and better energy levels. So we bought some chicken and rice and salad to have for a few days. Productive and reasonable. 

From shopping, I zoomed over to my parent’s RV and dropped of 60+ gb of TV shows for them to watch. I took a hit or two but then I had to be on my way. I was expecting a call from my uncle to arrange a purchase of marijuana. I’m buying a 1/4 ounce for mine and Amanda’s use during the week. It’s great for unwinding after a stressful day. And it will make cooking that much more exciting. 

I came home and took my newly bought duster out of the box and put it to work removing the accumulating soot from the flat surfaces of my apartment. I haven’t dusted since I moved in, and that was back in October. I used up like 5 of those disposable dust catchers with my new Swiffer. Then I cleaned my bathroom and scrubbed out the floor of my shower (to little avail, the floor of it is stained brown). I had some time in the afternoon to finish up the single player mode of XCOM: Enemy Unknown. Well, nearly finished. I’m on the last mission in the game. As soon as I complete it, the game will be over. Here’s what I was able to accomplish in the single player mode:

Scientists: 82

All items except alloy cannon were researched. 

Engineers: 136

Satellites: 16 (one for every member nation)

Monthly revenue: 1482

2 interceptors and 1 firebird per hangar, all upgraded with plasma cannons. 

My squad is elite: all majors, with all their abilities unlocked. Two snipers, two assault, one heavy and one support, and a hover S.H.I.V. with the plasma weapon upgrade. All soldiers carry plasma primaries and sidearms. Most have nano-fiber vests except the snipers who have scopes. It’s good. 

One of my assault class is the psyonic warrior, who’s true potential I have yet to uncork. But soon I will be on to the expansion pack, to learn what new content has been added to the core game. 

Well, here I am in limbo with my uncle still not calling me. The evening is wearing on and soon it will be dinner then bed. I may not get the hookup today after all. Drat. My list of accomplishments for the day remains incomplete. 

I hope you enjoyed your Sunday, and your weekend for that matter. This next week should be a lot of fun. My energy level stayed pretty solid today. I had a lot to do, and I got the important bits taken care of. I feel good about that. I’m ready for another week at work, and I anticipate having sucess and stability all the while. Wish me luck!

**UPDATE 9:15 pm**

So the final mission was the invasion of a big alien ship that lands off the coast of Brazil. The fighting is narrated by the alien leader, who tells you things about the various species of alien these overlords have incorporated into their control. So naturally they throw all of them at you in the course of storming the bridge. I lost one of my snipers towards the end, to a muton elite. I had 5 soldiers in the final room. The ethereal leader had 25 hit points, and he summons two more ethereals with 20 hp and two muton elites on the lower level. 

The first time I tried it I failed. I lost three soldiers in the first alien activity, so I started over. I split my squad, taking two up the left and three up the right elevated platforms. It’s on these that the two extra ethereals materialize. My goal was to try and take out the two ethereals and then the mutons. But it all went to hell. I took out the ethereal on the left, but two of my soldiers on the right were killed and the third was mind controlled away from me. In desperation, I turned my sniper lose on the main dude, and instead of deflecting my shot he took a 17 point critical (after having sustained a shot from volunteer’s plasma rifle earlier) and died, taking the last ethereal and two mutons with him. End of game. 

I have started in on the expansion. There is a new resource to collect: meld, which has some higher-level applications. I am still just starting out, and have a ways to go before I can make use of the stuff. Anyway. Good shit. Tough final room, lost 4 soldiers killing that one ethereal. But I brought the hurt. Boom. 

Busiest Saturday Evar

Score: +3

It was non stop at work today. I set my all time high record with 39 calls, and it was grueling. I was so tired. I had fun with Amanda last night and early this morning, but it left me in a bad way come the beginning of my shift. I had two huge coffees and many other stimulants to get myself out of the murk, and I was only partially sucessful. The morning was tough, and it never let up, even down to my last 20 seconds, my phone rang. I was there late, and I cut my breaks short to try and stay after it. The calls were just piling up in the queues at times. Very stressful. 

But in the end, I got through another day. And I came home and helped one of the people who I live around move a couch into a garage. And then I proceeded to play a few hours of XCOM: Enemy Unknown. 

After trying to manage the single player campaign several times, and failing, I have at last expressed total dominance. I have a satellite in every member country except Argentina. I have everything bought in the officer training school except the ability that promotes rookies to squaddies right away (which I view as useless, as my squad members never die). I have two assault and one support all with plasma rifles, two snipers with laser rifles and a heavy with a laser minigun. If there’s one place I’m dangerously weak it’s in the hanger, where I have two interceptors per country (one avalanche missile and one laser cannon). If a big UFO came along I probably wouldn’t be able to stop it from destroying my satellites. But only Mexico has any panic, and they’re at 3/5. I have invaded the alien base and researched the homing beacon to further advance the plot. But I’m in total control. I run missions with 14 kills and no serious injuries to my squad (nothing a medkit can’t fix, anyway). I make nearly 2000 a month in credits, and hopefully I get enough UFO landing or crash missions to get enough parts to make more advanced aircraft. I will soon have all my squads in titan armor with plasma primaries and sidearms. My sniper has more than 30 kills. He’s hard to stop. And he doesn’t miss often. So I’ve been finally kicking ass at this game. And there’s still an expansion to go through as well. 

I’m pretty tired. Think I’ll go to bed now. 


Score: +2

It was a off center day. I think my morning meds really messed me up. I was in that drowsy way I get sometimes when I take them. And I called in and went back to sleep for three hours. 

I’m spending the night with Amanda tonight. I really like being here, and feeling bonded in a little unit. We still have a long way to go before I build up enough credabilty, but it’s time I intend to commit. 

I’ve just been so tired today. I feel like perhaps occasional marijuana use is not a good idea. I am sometimes thrown off balance by it on days where I go long stretches without using it. But if I do it regularly, I seem to have no problem. Something to consider. I don’t actually have the ability to use it regularly, as my apartment is a drug free zone because of the nature of my living arrangement. 

Have a happy Friday. I work tomorrow. 


Score: +2.5

Maybe this whole scoring thing is flawed because I am, perhaps, not a trustworthy source of introspection. I strive for accuracy and honesty, but I wonder if I am too biased a source to be evaluating myself. But then again, I’m with me all day… I should have some idea what’s going on. 

But I will, nevertheless, continue to score because it represents a desire to learn and be aware of who I am. On any given day. 

I was up at 4:55 am when the on call technician’s (my) phone rang. Some McDonald’s had their drive thru go offline and they absolutely demanded that I book a dispatch at that hour. But if the receptionist at the place that routs those emergency calls had waited 5 more minutes, the DTOC would have been open, and any number of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed techs could have done exactly what I did. But hey, they are giving me an extra $250 to be the emergency tech. So I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was gearing up to leave in less than an hour for therapy. Boo. 

Margaret was reflective and curious about my recent plunge into love. I told her about how it was not a burning inferno of lust that consumed every shred of logic in its path, but rather, a progression from the foundations of care and trust so far established. I said that it makes sense to be in love; I genuinely care about Amanda and want to be in her life for the long haul. I have no reservations, only curiosities. So I think that was good. She seemed totally understanding of my situation, and the measured steps I have been taking. We talked some about work, and about my grandparents who are dying. My poor mom has her hands full. 

Blog, I don’t expect my mood to be solid as bedrock. Recall that I am bipolar. Scores that reflect a range of experiences are more likely, with some dips and peaks. But it’s when this fluctuation becomes drawn-out and detrimental do I take issue. I have not even been in the negative yet. So we’ll see. For now, I will score every day (28 so far) and see where I end up. 

1Year Ago…

Score: +2.5

…I was permitted to return home after 5 days in the psychiatric hospital. I came back, and my (then) wife revealed that she had been sleeping with someone else while I was gone. It was over, and not because she had cheated, but because she didn’t love me anymore. I had no job, no way to pay the rent, and no partner anymore. My life as I had known it had come to pieces, and nothing of the original could be salvaged. 

Now, we will fast-forward through the purgatory that followed, as I lived under the canvas awning of my parent’s RV for 7 months. I slept on a futon and went to group therapy three times a week for days on end. It started to change about half way through the summer, when I got my current job at Mood. Then by fall I had saved enough money to afford a place of my own. I kept working on myself, not settling until I was sure I had a grip on my mental health. I worked tirelessly for stability, and I never gave up on the hope that one day I would have my life back. 

And so it went. I restored meaning to my reality through many consecutive acts of self-appreciation. Eventually, I began to truly believe I was worth something. I gained back my pride, my sense of humor, my voracious appetite for knowledge. Then on January 15th, I met Amanda. We were kindred spirits, both suffering from mental illness, and persevering despite hardships. We decided to become allies, and would work together to live stable lives. I would be there to help her if she fell down, and she would do the same for me. This principle has already gone into practice. 

So I’m happy about the progress I have made in a year. I am currently in love, and doing great in my life. I can’t ask for anything more. 


Score: +1.5

I’m still not back to my old self. I struggled mightily today at work, and the whole DTOC was slammed from the moment I started until 9 minutes after I was off. I handled 39 calls today, which is a new record high mark. That effectively translated into constant distraction. I was idle for no more than 4 minutes at a time; my phone rang incessantly. But I gave it my all. It was a truly trying day, and all the while my neurochemistry was out of balance, pushing me into a somber and zest-less state. I had barely enough energy to do my job, and put up a mask so that no one would suspect that there was anything wrong with me. I cannot reveal my weakness to them. Ever. 

I went straight home after work, utterly spent and then I realized I had not done my shopping, and would subsequently have no food for tonight or the rest of the week. I went home first, surrendering to fatigue, I thought, but then I got my ass up and went shopping with what fumes were left in my tank. But I did it. I came home again and put everything away and felt satisfied. 

Today was (emotionally) better than yesterday, but there is plenty of room for improvement. My energy, since I broke down last night and cried my eyes out, has been between 10% and 20%. Boo. But sleep usually helps recharge the battery. I could be in much better shape tomorrow. 

It’s spring. This is the time of year when I have had psychotic depressive episodes. Albeit, those cataclysms were aided by a steady decline in mood over the course of months leading to a culminating event. I am nevertheless wary. I need this trend of downward pointing disposition to come to an end tomorrow. If it continues, I will need to seek medical attention and rapidly. I cannot risk my world falling apart again. I have so much good stuff going for me, and I want that positive trend to continue. 

Thanks for checking in. I’ll let you know if I pulled up just before impact, or not, tomorrow. 


Score: +.5

As I write this I’m in the depths of an unrelentingly painful depressive episode. It started coming apart this afternoon around 4, and has only deepened since. I’m crying, here stuffing my whimpers into my pillow. I can’t explain it with logic, I just know it’s happening to me. I feel in agony, crushingly dispondent and without adequate explanation. I know this happens sometimes. My chemicals are off, and all I experience is sadness. I can’t see a way out of it.

I’m trying to find the reason and I’m failing. I’m in such pain, yet there is no cause. I had a great weekend. I spent time with my parents and the woman I love. I got things done and had plenty of time to relax. But none of that matters now. Right at this very moment I am suffering. My life is on track and progressing healthily, and yet I’m sobbing into my covers as I write this post on my phone. Sometimes I really hate being bipolar. 

I just got off the phone with Amanda. She really helped me get grounded in reason. Hearing her reassurances and validations helped me get through the acute sadness. I’m not crying anymore. I’m stabilizing. 

Sleep is the great equalizer. Whatever maintenance my brain performs on itself is markedly effective. These sad days are usually only one day, and then they fizz out and disappear. I knew my chemicals were not right today, but I didn’t expect to crash so hard. Amanda really helped bring me out of the abyss tonight. Her voice was upbeat and she had lots of good ideas for helping me get out of my head. She even offered to have me come back and spend the night with her, which I think may be useful if I was feeling unsafe. I’m just a little too tired to execute that maneuver tonight. But her words alone have changed my direction in lieu of needing to take dramatic action, and the deepest part of the trough is behind me. I’m already feeling better. 

It’s annoying being bipolar. Sometimes the whole thing comes undone and the world stops making sense. But that’s the way it is. Have a more peaceful night than I have had. 


Score: +2.5

I feel the battery draining and not replenishing as my labor-intensive activities draw to a close. I’m extending myself every day to put forth as much effort as I can manage. It was a Thursday to forget, and I am beat, needless to say. 

I’ve been on the same dose of meds since November and I’m doing great overall. I am testing the limits of my functionality, and want to be able to fully apply myself in my life. That’s ambitious for a guy with bipolar disorder, frankly. 

I struggle at times. My energy is the weighted variable in the equation of my composure. Without it, things disintegrate. I’ve seen it happen multiple times in my rocky past. 

I think about Jax sometimes. I wonder where she is or what she’s doing. She only ever reaches out to me when she thinks I have something she wants. Then she takes it and disappears back into the shadows of the unknown. I have been avoiding spying on her, because if feel this is an unhealthy pattern. And the last time I did spy on her I learned more than I wanted to know about how she is living her life. There’s no reason for continued inquiry, now that both our lives have progressed. But there is still a wound inside me that gets triggered sometimes. 

It’s great to be falling in love again. But I’ve noticed how different this is from other times, when I was exuberant and smitten and a solace to lust/passion. I lost sight of reason, and the newness of love burned like a magnesium fire inside me. Then it faded and was gone a short time later, and only a shadow of the infatuation remained. My new love for Amanda is vastly different: it’s patient, familiar, trusting and gradual. I know that I love this woman, but I’m not losing my mind over it. I think love, REAL love, meanders like a creek through the woods. It’s not a torrent of furious water obliterating all terrain in its way. The practicality of love means that it is intended to build over time, not shoot off all at once. My love for Amanda accumulates as time goes on, along with my trust and respect for her. In time, those things will realize themselves as strong, because they stood the test of days and remain. I want my love for her to continue to grow and get deeper as we spend our lives getting to know each other. And it is my every intent to continue to bet there for her and her son for a very long time. 

In the short-term, my energy naturally tapers as the week wears on. I commit myself to my occupation and I am a “class act” in most respects. I rarely make mistakes, and when I do, they are not made again. I want to be able to hold my head up and be proud of who I am because I am a hard worker and morally sound. The way I carry myself through the world helps ratify my nature, and gives me the hard evidence I need to combat depression. Doubt is always looking for an opportunity to sneak in. Always. 

Just one more day left in my week. Then (for the first time in a while) I get two days off in a row. Yippee. 


Score: +2.5

Slow is an appropriate adjective for my today. Reaction times were dulled and my focus was smeared like steamy glass. I had to retrace my footsteps on several occasions to correct an error I had realized I made after the order was already in. But I truly handled my responsibilities well. I dispatched techs, booked orders and made outgoing calls all day long. I was forced to surrender around 4 or so because our ticketing system crashed and I had no access to update my work. I read about the wow signal on Wikipedia as it poses some interesting questions about life in the known universe. I personally think the transmission came from something moving through that area of space (a ship), not from a celestial body. And I don’t think it inrended to blast us with that signal either. 

Amanda had a rough day. She may have kidney stones and the doctor at urgent care didn’t help her at all. He disregarded her requests for painkillers and gave her nothing to treat the symptoms with. She will now have to go bother her general practitioner for help tomorrow, which will hopefully result in action. She’s in pain, and today’s catastrophe at urgent care reopened trauma from her marriage. The doctor basically didn’t believe her, or treated her with very little regard, and that reminded her of how her ex used to treat her. I brought her dinner and tried my best to help her see a way through the muck. 

If I had scored today this afternoon around 2, I might have had it at +3.5, but the listless afternoon and extracurricular heroics put an end to the excess energy. As I write you from underneath my covers, I realize that my slow start inhibited my energy arc. It will be better tomorrow. 

Goodnight. It’s nearing the end of the week. Just hang on. We’re almost there. 


Score: +3

Average: +2.75

I stand apart from most these days, and not because I have a superiority complex, but because I just don’t understand most people. It’s voluntary alienation, and I rather prefer it that way. I’m not looking to be cool, or compliant, I’d rather pilot my own ship on an atypical course and heading. It presents fewer complications and limits the need to be dependent on others. 

But it was lonely, going it alone. Doable, but isolatory and limiting. I talked to myself a lot, as a result. I didn’t abandon any of my principles when I sought companionship, as this would be the wrong way to approach change. It should be about nourishing and revitalizing life, not compromising its integrity. I needed an answer to the place in my heart that was longing. 

Amanda has been amazing: she is relatable, understanding, compassionate, and honest. She has become a valuable friend to me, above all else, and is someone who’s opinions I can trust and respect. But I also love her, and this intamacy fosters a deeper, more primal bond of loyalty and acceptance. There are many reasons for my distinction from the herd, and I doubt Amanda would have noticed me if I were just running along with them. I stand out, and even though I have made some serious mistakes, it is that common denominator that unites us rather than divide us. She sees me, and I see her, and together we make the endless wastes more bearable. 

Life can be a lot of calamity wrapped up in unpredictability, but it is that curious gambler that keeps coming back to find out what happens next that I embody. No I don’t lean on faith to explain my reality, I rely on my own senses and logical judgements to explain it. A gambit that is far less troublesome if you have a teammate working with you to sort things out. 

Blog, I’m rising to the occasion. I’m doing great and ready for the next twist in the road. Whatever that happens to be. Random though train now off the tracks and on fire, I bid you farewell. 

Scrambled Eventsauce

Saturday Score: +2.5

Sunday Score: +3.5

I know things are changing. New variables have been introduced and the climate of my environment is altering itself rapidly. My only remaining grandparents are dying (well, one of them). Amanda told me that she loves me. As one chapter of this story draws to a close, a new one begins. My sister moved to Washington DC on Saturday while I was at work. My parents were on the brink of leaving for a months long road trip to Florida, when my grandpa hurt his back trying to lift a 30 lb flower pot. They got him to the hospital and found MANY problems with him. He has a growth in his liver, and needs a biopsy. I spent Friday night and Sunday with Amanda and Tristan. We saw the Sponge Bob movie, and spent hours together acting like a single, healthy family unit. I met Amanda’s ex husband Sunday morning and he asked me a few questions pertaining to my integrity. I was anxious leading up to it, and glad it’s over. My grandparents are in their mid-late 80s and my grandma is an alcoholic. My grandpa is holding over 25 lbs of stool in his body because he can’t defecate. Things are coming apart. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m aware that things are changing. I told Amanda I loved her too, because it is true. I’ve been falling for her for some time. I understand that she accepts me for who I am. Baggage and all. We are very connected, and bond is only getting stronger as we dive deeper into each other’s worlds. Tristan cuddled with me today, and I put my arm around him and cuddled him right back. On Saturday night we had a seafood feast at my uncle’s house for my parent’s going away party (they were leaving on the 1st, but plans changed when my grandpa hurt himself). We had yellowfin tuna and Scottish salmon sashimi to start, followed by baked salmon filets on garlic mashed potatoes and a side of asparagus. 

Blog, as I write to you, it is Monday morning. I’m supposed to meet Amanda’s parents tonight after my shift. I think that will go great. Her dad is a real geologist. I’m sure we will have things to discuss. I’m in a good mood today. I started out today very drowsy. I laid around in bed for a good 50 minutes before willing myself to go take a shower. I think this will be another good week. I’ll keep you posted. 

Rock Or Marshmallow?

I’m meeting Amanda’s ex husband on Sunday. Why you ask? Because he doesn’t trust Amanda’s judgement about what a “good guy” is, and wants to vet me before trusting me around his son. I don’t blame him for this concern, because in and of itself, it’s legitimate. But to base this encounter on a lack of trust is not a good motivation to meet someone. This is not about curiosity, it’s a security concern, one that I must both adhere to and comprehend fully. I’m thinking that this may not be a very friendly meeting. I’m also hoping to reveal zero percent of my flamboyant, emotional self, as this would be interpreted as general weakness. Apparently, Jesse is a robot; both callous and cold. I can say that I have been those things at certain times of my life, but never as a trait. So I have raised shields to maximum and armed the photon torpedoes. I’m prepared for whatever he asks, and I don’t intend to mislead or otherwise lie. Not at all. I just only want him to see some of me. Not all. I intend to put his fears to rest. Hopefully. But this whole encounter has me thinking lots of anxious thoughts. Nothing I can’t handle, but I feel the wheels turning about this. So wish me luck.

As Things Get Better…

Score: +2.5

Things in my life are coming together, and I’m really excited about where I am headed. I have been assertively vigilant about my mental health, and that has paid dividends in stability. I have nourished my social self, which has culminated in a rewarding relationship with a wonderful woman. I have excelled at work, getting a bounty of opportunities to strive and succeed. Things are improving as time goes on, and I apply myself fully to my life.

As things get better, I will find less cause to come here and express my inner-dialogue. Why? Because it’s the negativity that I am trying to get out if my head, and when I have very few problematic thoughts, I find fewer reasons to rant. Trust me, I will still be using this place as a tool for reflecting introspectively, but there won’t be a post a day like there had been.

I have been diligently keeping score, even if I am not posting. I have 16 days worth of entries so far, at an average of 2.7. I’m on the low-end of the good range, for sure. I’m only slightly concerned about my energy, as that has been a little low of late. But I’m really, truly, doing wonderfully. Im happy all the way through me. My body, however, may enter full revolt soon. I have been repeatedly exposed to viruses and believe I may have contracted one. I’m not sure though. I was able to chase off a vile headache this morning with 250mg of Naproxen, but I’m waiting for the hammer. I have been pounding the vitamin c, so here’s hoping it works!

Have a great day blog. Things are at a new unprecedented level. I’m so satisfied with my life. I’m falling in love with an amazing person, and I’m healthier than I have been in years. I think this is the path I was meant to walk; I am executing a philosophy of self care, and it is rewarding me greatly. Thank you for being here through all the crazy ups and downs, your feedback is greatly appreciated.


Score: +2

As the week goes on, I find myself in a stasis between functional and exhausted. I have a 6 day work week, culminating in a 6:00 am to 2:30 pm shift on Saturday. Things have slowed down to historic lows at my job, to the point of wondering why there are as many of us as there are on staff. I mean, I understand the caution in always wanting enough people to handle the influx of potential issues, but our staff seems bloated. We could stand to lose 3-4 people and still be in great shape. Plus, if we cut the weakest ones, then the extra work they were making via their mistakes will also go away, leaving more time for the rest of us to do our jobs.

Today Jojo, a seasoned veteran of the DTOC, came to my desk and asked me a question that he could have asked a manager, but he chose me instead. And I didn’t know the answer, but I went and found out what it was and told him. I was shocked. Why should I need to field a question form Jojo? He should know 7 times as many things as I do. But either way, it felt amazing to be needed, and to provide an answer.

Today is night 3 of my consecutive trips to my parent’s RV. My sister is coming over for dinner too. It’s one of the last few nights we will all have together before they hit the road for Florida and the keys. They will have quite an adventure and I am glad for them. But they will be out of the equation for a long time, and I will have to do without them for months. This makes me a tiny bit sad, but more happy for what fun they will have.

Well shit. It’s time I got back to work. See you later.

One Day

Score: +1

I was in a rut right from the start. I felt down, like the wind had been taken out of my sails. I went to work and did my job admirably, but it was much harder than normal to maintain my composure. Songs would play on the overhead speakers and I would nearly lose my shit. I wanted to cry when “I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons came on.

This is the result of an imbalance in my brain, which sometimes, cannot be avoided. Occasionally symptoms just happen, given no rhyme or reason. I had a fantastic weekend, and a productive day at work, and I was blue all the while. These things last for a day, but only rarely do they repeat themselves or merit extra attention. A blip on the radar of time, nothing more.

Despite the score, I am at a good, healthy average of 2.79 on the scale which is in the “Goldilocks zone” between 2 and 5 (an area I most desire to stay in because it represents unprecedented stability and also happiness).

Between 1 and -1 there is a significant loss of abundant energy. Things have recoiled to a minimal level, and are operating on low power standby. If that makes any sense.

Between -2 and -5 any number of bad events can cause a decline to this point. It is only problematic if it represents an ongoing trend.

And the polar ends of the scale account for accentuated episodes of extreme emotions, often culminating moments (between +/- 6 and +/- 10). So we need not overly worry ourselves over one shitty day. Bad times are usually prolonged, so as long as we can avoid that, I think things are going to be just fine.


02/20/15 – Score: +2
02/21/15 – Score: +3.5
02/22/15 – Score: +3

The last three days have been crazy. Friday I was busy all day on the phones. I made more outgoing calls than I took out of the queue by a 2:1 ratio. My brain was a mashed cantaloupe by the end of the day.

Friday night I went and picked up Amanda and we drove over to my parent’s RV and I formally introduced her to them. It went great. We all sat around and joked and passed the pipe. I picked up some food that I was to keep safe in my fridge and Amanda and I came back to my apartment to spend the night. We talked, played Katamari Damacy and held hands on my futon. I’m adjusting to having someone new who I can touch and feel… all theses areas in me have been laying dormant for a while until now. And I feel a shift has occurred: I don’t pine for sex the same way I used to with other partners. I think it’s because Amanda is willing to be open and emotional with me, and I feel connected to her in a way that supersedes the intimacy of physicality. Don’t get me wrong though blog, the sex is wonderful, but it’s not the primary way I’m bonding to her.

Saturday was the day of my dad’s 60th birthday party, and many things needed to be done. My truck was a huge part of the plan. I packed it full to the brim in La Mesa with goods and supplies, then drove everything into mission valley off Qualcomm way where the venue for the party was located. The place was a property managed by Oakwood, and the only reason we got to hold our big party there was because Tina (my mom’s brother’s wife) hooked it up for is for free. It was a giant room, with a pool table, three bar areas for sitting, a living room with couches and three TVs, a big kitchen and a theatre. Yes, a theatre, with maybe 20 recliners in four tiered rows and a digital projector mounted to the ceiling. Nice. Anyway, I carried all the supplies, food, drinks and decorations down there and unloaded it all into the room. But I could not stay there and help set it up, because I had two loads of laundry to do and that was likely to take the better part of 3 hours to complete. If I didn’t do it then, I was not going to have clean clothes for the week. So Amanda and I hung out at my place and had a nice afternoon together. Then we hopped right back in the truck and went to the party two hours early to help. Once things got going it was all in autopilot. The party went great. I did tech support and got a slide show going on the theatre room projector. Then people started showing up.

Now, I was aware that the dress code was “cocktail party” but had thought about this earlier in the day. Was I really going to dress up and then work my ass off all evening with the cleaning in my slick digs? I thought of myself struggling to keep my sleeves rolled up while I got water and food all over my button up shirt and slacks. It was a bad idea to clean up after a 30 person party in my best outfit. So I did not dress up, I wore my working clothes. I do somewhat regret doing this. But I also knew what had to be done. No one else was going to wash the dishes but me. No one else was going to pack up dinner and move shit back into my truck. I didn’t mind not being dressed up because I was working, and being an effective worker is more important than looking temporarily sharp.

Amanda came to the rescue and helped me in my effort to clean and pack nearly everything before the party died down. People started leaving, and Amanda and I must have made 15 trips from the room to the truck carrying things. My dad helped towards the end because he could see us busting ass to clean up and I think he wanted to feel useful. But it was HIS party. He should have just relaxed.

After the truck was (again) stuffed to the brim with things, we headed back to my apartment and unloaded the perishable food and coolers back into my kitchen. We faded out rapidly into blissful sleep.

Sunday was the day that I was supposed to go paintballing, but as morning arrived, I realized that my plan was doomed. I still had my whole truck jammed with stuff from the party, and no where to put it. I couldn’t unload it into my apartment. Doing so would then obligate me to pack it back up again when I was done with paintball, THEN drive it somewhere to be unpacked. I took Amanda home first and was headed out to rural Lakeside where the course was located, but I stopped less than half way: I aborted paintball, as I realized the commitment I made to help my family with my dad’s party sill required my attention.

I spun a lie to my coworkers about why I could not go, and I don’t care to disclose the truth to them about the reality of my priorities. My life, and its intricate workings, are not knowledge I want them to have. So to them, my alternator died, and I went to have it fixed for $380. Done. I was already in El Cajon, so I went by storage and pulled the last of the polished rocks out of the tumbler. I bagged those up, went home and loaded both coolers back into my truck and any additional boxes that needed moving. I took everything to my parents RV, and there we sifted through it to remove anything that was going to stay with my parents. My sister and I drove separately to the storage unit (again), where I unpacked the last of the things from the party, and loaded a big rug and an inflatable bed into the jeep for my sister to take with her to my cousin’s house. It was only at this point did I stop working for the party. I went home again, but quickly went back down the street and bought all the groceries I would need for the week ahead. I made lunch and did some of the final chores at my apartment. At around 3:45 I took off for Amanda’s house to help her do her housework that she was behind on (having spent almost no time at home because she was with me). I got there to find her unconventional friend Kasey there with her developmentally delayed son doing their laundry at Amanda’s expense and using her hot water to clean Kasey’s son Gavyn. He’s 3, and can’t speak any words yet, and he is sill wearing a diaper because he is not potty trained. He cries and freaks out a lot, and rolls around on the ground squealing and flapping his arms when things don’t go his way. His mom is a meth addict who’s primary occupations are prostitution and stripping. I don’t know what kind of mom she is. I mean, from what I can see she does care and love her son, but I don’t know enough to pass judgement. I just see things from the outside and begin to wonder. But anyway, while Kasey was there I helped Amanda clean every single dish in her sink, then hauled all the trash down to the dumpsters, then folded all her clean clothes and Tristan’s clothes and put them away. By the time 6:15 rolled around Kasey was gone and Amanda and I ordered a sushi feast and brought it back to her apartment. A wonderful way to spend an evening… in her company.

Blog, this has been quite a weekend as you can see. I have been busy the whole way through. I know ur was wrong of me to lie about not being able to go to paintball, but I value my privacy tremendously at work, and don’t ever want to let anyone in on how the priorities of my life are arranged. I don’t want them to be in on it. So I tell lies to protect myself.

I’ve had an eventful weekend. I hope yours was good as well. I feel strongly about Amanda, and I am so impressed how she handled a difficult situation. She rose to the occasion, and I am so thankful for her help. She made things go a lot easier, and worked until she was injured. I’m glad she’s on my team. That’s for sure.

Let Me Explain

Score: +2.5

I will admit to having had a slower than usual day today. Mentally, I mean. I woke up way too late this morning and have been a bit sluggish; plodding through the marsh like a Diplodocus. But it has been a good shift; I have been productive and have also solved problems right and left. I even had a chance to train someone from the repair department on how we do things in customer support. That was fun, to have someone to teach, because I’m a superb instructor.

Overall things have been great. My mental health is at an all-time high of stability and functionality. I am working hard to make sure my brain operates normally. My relationship with Amanda is progressing naturally and has already offered me a great deal of happiness. Blog, my life is fairly simple: I work, a rest, I smoke a bowl once every 3-5 days or so for kicks. I don’t need much to keep me entertained and I’m much easier to please than your average mook. I don’t yearn for a complex and advanced life; I have enough to worry about trying to balance my own meager set of affairs. Why overload myself with stimuli when very little is plenty to keep me happy?

You know what really drives me on? The promise of living a stable and honorable life. I don’t want fame, or power, and I generally don’t care about money. My upside down life has been an inwardly spiraling journey with the intent of balance but the reality of destruction.

I have always thought that a relationship was the thing I needed to be happy, but that has proven to be folly. I NEEDED a relationship to feel complete, and that’s right where it all went wrong. I NEEDED sex because it was something that felt good and was the only intimacy I understood. I have destroyed every relationship I’ve been in because I was not a whole person; I had gaping chasms that I was expecting love to fill.

I look back on that and regret, but it was a lesson I had to learn the hard way (through failure). I reflect, because at this moment, I am doing something totally new and departing from my relationship patterns of the past. I decided to fix myself first, before going looking for love again. I spent months rehashing pain, going to groups, getting my medications dialed in, and talking through my issues with an astute therapist. It took many consecutive days of that single-minded activity to accomplish a change. And the result is unprecedented security of self. I feel more aware and proud of who I am, and who I have become than EVER before.

I am falling in love again blog. It is a slower process than previously attempted, and I’m savoring the journey to being in love. I know that I am going in that direction, but the haste to arrive at commitment is gone, replaced by a cool patience and thoughtful comprehension. I really want to know who she is before I give her my heart. But I think I will give it to her, because that is what I want to do. I’m still very scared that I will be hurt again, but the root of that feeling is the trauma of abandonment. To be given up on several times by people you had completely pledged to is brutally painful. And I did this to myself by not being a complete “me” before deciding to be in a relationship. I have thought it out, and I know myself better now than I have in years. Years blog.

So this is a good time in my life. Things are changing; my caring for Amanda runs strong and deep. Apprehensive? A little. But I think it’s reasonable considering my history. But I do want her. I want her to be my only one, the keeper of my secrets, the guardian of my heart. I think I will get there with her, in time. All good things…

The Enemy Within

Score: +3

I feel like looking back at my past tonight. I had an opportunity to reflect on my progression as a person over the last (nearly) year. Some radical things have happened to me: I went from a being driven inward by self hate to a person who genuinely respects who he is. I went from having $0 in the bank to fully self-sufficient financially. I have emerged from a negative pattern and hopped the rails to a new, promising destination. It took a total psychological breakdown to achieve this change, mind you, and reaching rock bottom if there ever was such a thing. I regret hating myself the way I did. It made me a vicious and frustrated person, who largely resented the world. I look back on who I was then and I can understand why I was there and because of destructive circumstances.

I have something I’d like to tell you about what it’s like to really, truly, hate yourself: I have mutilated my body, on more than 10 occasions, creating gaping wounds in my flesh that take weeks to heal. I used to remove cysts with a pair of toenail clippers, slowly tearing away the flesh around them until they could be extracted. The clippers are a deadly digging tool. You wouldn’t think it, looking at them, but a great deal of pressure can be applied to their blades, and evenly. I would throw whole rolls of toilet paper soaked in my own blood away, flushing them down into secrecy. I would leave no trace of my crime, but for the bandaid or gauss patch covering the wound. Sometimes, I would chew and destroy all the tender inner wall of my lower lip. I would rip segments of it away by pinching them with two sharp teeth, then ripping chunks off by peeling them free. I had open, bleeding wounds in my mouth, for days or weeks, on multiple occasions.

I really didn’t have the ability to inhibit myself. I can’t remember ever thinking “hey, maybe I should stop this because now I’m injured.” I just got out of control. I did it until I felt like whatever thing I had originally set out to remove from underneath my skin was gone. I have done this to my own face… scarred myself, permanently. I guess I just lost inhibition because I didn’t care about the consequences of hurting my body. It was irrelevant. It didn’t matter, because I didn’t care.

That level of destructive thinking will eventually drive you to contemplate larger forms of self injury, and the bridge to accepting suicide as an option gets more real. It becomes plausible that if you are freely willing to maim yourself for weeks at a time, then slitting your own wrist wouldn’t actually be that difficult. And it would be over in a few minutes.

I encountered the end of this line of thinking. It concludes in an attempt at self destruction. I was at that point, about a year ago. I had annihilated my life. At some point, I came to realize that I would have to learn how to respect myself, and make my mental health the top priority of my life from now on, if ever anything was to change. Hating myself goes nowhere. Believing in myself could lead me just about anywhere.

And I would have to defeat (the negative thinking, not the symptoms) depression with facts; proofs that I was worth something. That even in light of my transgressions, that I should still find cause to hope. I am a human being and nothing is going to change what I have done; I can only decide what to do next. And with each day, I try to take a step to establish self love and pride in the man I am becoming. I don’t need to blather on about my success, it’s evident by the volume of content here at Neurochemically Challenged.

I wanted you to know how I have changed. I don’t hurt myself anymore, at all. I even use my toenail clippers for the purpose they are intended for. I faced my demons and they were the ones who backed down. There is no temptation to return to a negative pattern. I have moved to a new understanding of how to think about myself. And for the better. Clearly.


Score: +4.5

It has been a memorable Monday indeed blog. I took a day off work, and got to know my girlfriend Amanda better. I feel like, if I am ever going to find a long term partner, I must be able to both understand and trust her fully. I have failed in past attempts because I did not take the time to comprehend who they were as people before falling in love. I gave them all my trust, and my heart, but I did so on a whim. I have learned an important lesson from those experiences, and I am doing things differently this time… as hard as that can be at times.

Blog, I must be perfectly honest with you: she makes me feel incredible. I know now that I am falling in love with her, slowly and steadily, as I uncover more of who she is. I’m not in love yet, but if things continue going this way, I will be.

After Jax, I felt condemned, and that I would not desire to go looking for love again because the consequences of having my heart broken were still so near (and painful). I was also punishing myself, because I felt like I did not deserve to love anyone again after the mistakes I had made in previous relationships. In early March, it will have been a year since Jax and I were through. The divorce did not go final until November, and so the reality of my time as a legal bachelor is a mere 75 days. But this does not take into account all the time from March 10th onward, where I was physically alone, but more importantly, rebuilding. That stretch from then until meeting Amanda was 320 days long, which is still 45 days shy of a year.

Blog, I know that I’m still establishing my life right now, and that there are things about myself that I do not fully comprehend, but what I can tell you is that being alone is not sad. Loneliness is inherently exclusive, and strands the social mind on an island with one palm tree on it. There is a choice, because companionship is risky, but can be very rewarding if the proper steps are taken to ensure a successful outcome. Information is the currency in which trust is traded. And from that transaction does respect accrue. But these things do not happen in a flash (I am learning), they build up, brick by brick, until something formidable has been constructed. A bastion that is hard to obliterate because it was so meticulously assembled. Part of my regret comes from giving away all my trust to someone who would eventually knock my tower down and set fire to the rubble. The thing I had tried to build was not valuable then, but I know that is changing now.

Today Amanda looked at me with those beautiful eyes and told me the secrets that were her feelings. She held my arm and nuzzled me, kissed me, held my hand, and connected with me in all ways that two people exploring each other can. I feel more bonded to her than ever before. We do lead busy, independent lives, but in these sacred pauses to the routine, we accelerate the process by which we come to better understand each other. Today was a day filled with hope and promise. There is still plenty of work to be done, but it is gladly and enthusiastically undertaken. She has been ridiculed and treated dishonorably in the past, and I don’t see how anyone who gets to know her could have done that. There’s a new sheriff in town (needless to say).

It has been an exceptional day, taking my spirits to new unanticipated heights. I realize if only really technically been on the market for a short time (relatively), but I have examined myself thoroughly in that time and have drawn up many diagrams and made several key changes. Now that I am discovering love again, I feel more ready to go through it than I ever have before. I’ve never given my feelings the level of scrutiny and analysis that I am now. Never. I have trusted quickly and acted impulsively. These patterns are not repeating themselves with Amanda.

We have known each other for 33 days, and this journey is just starting. I am intent on walking a path towards commitment. When we get there is another matter entirely. The slower, steadier, and smoother, the better.

Goodnight blog. The scent of her hangs on me like a delicate robe, and so she guides me to rest.


Score: +2.5

I’m pretty slow today. I’m at work, from 6 am until 3 pm. I have slammed the caffeinated beverages to stay ahead of the drowsiness, but as the end of the day approaches, I can feel the effects wearing off. My spirits age good though. I have had a relatively busy day at work, I’m at 27 right now as I write this, and I’m sure to pick up a few more as the last hour of my shift approaches. I have booked a lot of tech dispatches today, which I find is the norm in the weekends, because there are only three guys handling incoming calls. Our numbers today are pathetic. We have terrible customer service on Sunday. And they couldn’t even pay the third guy for the whole day. Stupid. I guess they must not care that it takes us 15 minutes to get the the next call, because only two guys can’t handle any volume of calls whatsoever.

I’m concerned about my future at Mood. If they are scaling back overtime hours, will they also be scaling back the number of employees? Sometimes it seems like we just have way too many people, while at other times we are slammed and everyone is busy doing something. I am trying to distinguish myself as someone they would never consider firing, even if they were forced to cut back. I’m taking on as much new responsibility as I can manage, without jeopardizing my health.

But life in general is going really good. I’m happy, occupied, curious and optimistic about things. I’m spending the whole day with Amanda tomorrow and I am really looking forward to that. I’m cooking dinner for us. Bbq chicken, green salad. Yorf.

Breathing Through Leaves

Her provocative smile–
The dandelion whisper of words,
Touching checks gracefully,
Rendering their feathered kisses,
Coasting on air filled with reasons.

The bloom of a flower,
Sing of honey lips,
A splash of cool rainwater,
Deep and empowered by eyes,
Fresh fragrances beguile,
The dry softness of her hair.
Tapped deep in the earth,
Her ground is truth.

All about are the footprints of thought,
Ever-reaching for fragments,
Bound to the chase in learning,
Down like a west sun over the sea,
Eternal as the fire at midnight,
Her mysteries unfolding–
Patiently the petals extend,
Gather up the promise of tomorrow.

Let it be pure–
The fresh sod of understanding,
Take hold and drink.
A time has come for the day.

Caught Up

Score: +3.5

Breakfast started off with a laugh. I see Amanda just pull into the parking lot at the Lake Murray Cafe, and I had a look and saw it was totally full. So we both just drove two blocks down into a residential area and parked right behind each other. I gave her some flowers in a vase for Valentine’s Day, and she liked them. Then we had a fulfilling breakfast and went to the park together. We turned Tristan loose on the playground and sat there on the bench taking in the day. And it was unreasonably hot. Poor Tristan started to turn red and looked pretty flushed by the time we were headed back. I got to hold his hand and lift him up with my right arm. That was a fun game.

I have, since the outing, have dismantled both rock tumblers and put the new drive and idler shafts back on the frames. Both tumblers are working normally at this time. The next thing I will need to do will be to get the unfinished gemstones from Moo and add the grit and ceramic pellets in the new barrel we bought. Then that guy is probably gonna go for a week. That should be about the time of Daddo’s birthday party, which is probably going to be fun. And then the next day I’m out paintballing with the dudes, and a couple of chicks. Eventful. Needless to say.

I’m doing great. Things in my world are moving right along. I’m taking my work ethic to new heights, and striving to be the best me I know how to be. I’m getting to discover a rare and amazing person in Amanda, and I’m having a good time doing so. There’s no rush to get anywhere. We are learning each other in a measured and sensible way. The journey we are on is a promising one, and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

It’s nearing the end of the day. I have an early start tomorrow as my shift starts at 6 but I need to be up and at ’em by 5. I will probably go to bed early. So, all in all a good day off, with lots of fun stuff going on.

Onward, Upward

Score: +3

It’s Friday, and I am going to have lots of fun on my day off. I’m having breakfast with Amanda and then she, Tristan and I are all going to the park together. I miss her. These long weeks where we are relegated to just texting are tough. But it’s the best we can do, given the situation. And I am still grateful to have some contact, as opposed to none. Things in my life are looking up. Work has been consistent and rewarding. My mental health has been good, and continuing to show signs of strength and stability. I have no complaints at this time.

I’m going to see my parents tonight at their RV. I like going over there when they are actually here in town. Soon they will be far away, and I will not have the opportunity to spend time with them.

All things considered, I’m doing well. I continue to improve in areas that I need to, and am cautiously minding my steps into the future. I realize that it could all change in a moment, that one mistake in my personal life could dramatically change the landscape. I can’t afford to be hasty when so much is depending on me and my stability. That’s really why I appreciate Amanda: she is helping me find the right speed for our relationship. I’ve rushed into things before and ruined them. I will not let that happen this time.

So I know today is not officially over, but I’m thinking my score would only go up from here if measured later when I’m stoned.

Have a good afternoon/night.

**UPDATED 10:00 pm **

Hello. I hear the sound of wind blowing through trees, and rustling leaves. The crisp hot of the desert starves the air of all moisture.

We live in such a strange climate. Most of the rest of the northern hemisphere is going through a real winter. We have had two rainstorms with measurable quantities, and a bit of drizzle. Which accumulates. It takes a big fucker to get all the way down to 32.7 degrees from the equator and still have enough left in it to give us some rain. The desert southwest indeed. I’m not complaining, mind you. Look at me nattering in about meteorology.

I’m alone in my apartment about to call it a night. I’m having a fun adventure day tomorrow. But then I must work 6:00 am to 3:00 pm Sunday. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow! He’s turning 60. Big time numbers. I hope to live as long and longer. I project the end of my usefulness come mid 80s because my body will be on the verge of total failure. Cellular decay can’t be avoided, only comprehended. I know that’s kinda crazy talk coming from a guy who tried to kill himself. But seriously though, I do feel that I want to live a long life, and surround myself with people I love. I want to spend years making happy memories, building trust and friendship with others. I want to go on seeing amazing things with my eyes, touching bodies with someone I love, feeling the warm desert air. I’ve tried to throw it all away, and I think I have learned something from my experiences. I am a different man now than I have been recently. I’ve taken on a ton of new responsibility in all aspects of my life and I’m doing great. A +3 is a respectable score. It says: I was content, but not overly so, and my energy level was still pretty good by the end of the day. I have been (recorded) low as a -8 and as high as a +7 in all my various permutations of this experiment. The -8 occurred with Jennifer, my first wife, during the fight where I hid in the bathroom and gave her back my wedding ring through the crack under the door. I was done, but unwilling to let go. The +7 occurred much earlier on in that first marriage, when I was taking meds for my ADD that were accelerating me to dangerous highs. That was just before the same doctor put me on seroquil which zombafied me and ended up sending me to the hospital for the first time. Crazy shit.

Keeping Busy

Score: +2

Today there were quite a few people just standing around doing nothing and talking to each other about this or that. Meanwhile, there were 15 – 25 open help tickets in Kana that no one was working. Except me. I hammered out 6 of them, with another 7 assigned to me while I wait for progress to be made before closing out the issue. All these freeloaders have access to Kana, they just don’t do anything with it. They would prefer to socialize and make jokes all day. I could argue against myself and say that when they get a call, they take it and, hopefully, get the issue resolved. But I don’t even know if I can stand by that claim. Chap is SO BAD on the phones it hurts. It physically makes me cringe when I hear him on a call. He gets hung up on a lot, because people just get tired of trying to get anything done with him. It’s sad, and doesn’t help our public image.

To the point: there was a drought of calls, and instead of waiting around for my turn to take an incoming problem, I worked as many Kana tickets as I could and the day zoomed by while I kept myself busy. I don’t know if anyone is taking notice. I don’t think I care whether they are or not; I’m doing this for me. I can’t abide boredom, and especially in the face of having actual things to do, if not indirectly. I have to make an effort to assign the ticket to myself and dial out to the store with the issue. I must also have the skills to address the problem and present a resolution. I was trained to do all of that, and so were twelve others. But I’m the only one being proactive and getting shit done instead of standing around talking. Albeit, it’s way easier to do nothing, but it’s not rewarding. For me, this is a matter of pride: I seek meaning to my life by doing things to promote a healthy mental state. Part of my difficulties in the past stemmed from self-hatred. I truly despised the person I was. I had no respect for him, only disdain. So in light of that very recent state of mind, I have endeavored to build myself back up by doing real things that provide me with a sense of worth. No matter the context, I am actively trying to build a positive self image, one that I love and believe in. Working hard has provided me with a great deal of benefit in this regard.

Today was all about doing things and not being asked to do them. Everyone else walked past chance, and I took it. Don’t I have to? I mean, how can I feel good about myself if I know I vacated responsibility just to socialize all day long? There would be no reward in the moment, and only regret thereafter.

I’m done ranting. It’s been a busy day. I felt good this morning. Rested. Unlike yesterday where I felt oppressively tired. Tomorrow is Friday. Saturday I have breakfast with Amanda and Tristan again, then we are going to the park. The rocks come out of the barrels, and there is also some repair work to do on the tumblers. I have already bought the replacement components. I have chores I need to do Saturday as well, because I work Sunday. I requested Monday off, and I will be spending that day with Amanda. She has the holiday, and I saw that as a great opportunity to spend some quality time with her. My feelings continue to grow, and I’m doing the best I can not to repeat my past with the haste of emotional newness. Things are happening. I have always gone rushing into love, and that way of doing things has had rather disappointing results. So I’m exercising patience in my relationship with Amanda, and I will let someone other than my heart be in the driver’s seat.

Have a good night blog. First score published today. One of many to come.

Ultimate Apocalypse – The Hunt Begins

The February news is out, and the word is encouraging. It looks like they are trying to have it ready before the end of the month, which would be sick. We are hoping to receive a fully polished skirmish mode, with an advanced AI capable of multiple strategies and build orders. And not to mention all the new shiny content they are giving us. I’m really excited. The Hunt Begins has been in development for a long time, and has now arrived at the end of the road. Soon we will all have command of the deadly Chaos Daemons and the mighty Inquisition Daemonhunters, and my favorite factions will all have been reworked and had new units added to them. Right on. They have no changelog yet, but I imagine it would be immense when compared to the last release.

I have been waiting patiently for one of my three mods to emerge, and so far, UA is taking the reigns. Edain has a public release planned for the the first quarter 2015, but there’s still a month and a half of that left. The Improvement Mod is currently broken as the modder scrambles to get the wild animals bug fixed. Right now, shrines don’t attract herds, which basically makes the Japanese useless. But I haven’t felt like I wanted to play AOE 3 lately. I’ve been thinking THB would be my first chance to try out a new mod, and now that looks to be the case. The mod team has said there will be some waiting to do yet, but SOON.

The Scale

I will (starting tomorrow) be leading off every post I wrote with a numerical score on a scale between +/- 10. The scale will rate mood, energy and symptoms all in one concise integer, that I will track on a graph over time to see if it fluctuates. I will be keeping a file where I will track and update when possible.

The more introspection the better.


I had Tuesday off, as we are going through the process of scaling back overtime at work. The bosses want to eliminate as many overtime hours as possible, and the only way to do that is to have people who work the weekends take a day off (unpaid) and get down to 40 hours. So that’s why I had a random weekday to rest; I’m taking one for the team, who’s long-term viability I care about more than 1 fat paycheck. I stayed up late Tuesday night and that was a mistake. I was not ready to wake up when my alarm went off Wednesday morning, and I was slow and boring at therapy. I didn’t have much to say, other than that I am being careful with my feelings, and generally doing well. I am succeeding at work and achieving balance in my personal life. My feelings for Amanda continue to grow, as I become more familiar with who she is. I have horrible Jax nightmares sometimes, more so lately. I think that my mind is still processing all the frayed ends of my feelings on her, while instigating new growth into a sensitive area. I know that what I’m doing now I do with both understanding and gladness. Dreams are more mysterious and subversive, and their ultimate goal is just to recycle memories. I can’t take anything there too seriously, but it is distressing to awake to sobs of sadness, as I have done.

And now for a check in:

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health: 9

Physical Depression Symptoms: 8

Physical Anxiety Symptoms: 10

Racing Thoughts: 9

Depressed Thoughts: 10

Self-Esteem: 9

Concentration: 7

Enthusiasm: 9

Charisma: 10

Motivation: 7

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety: 9

Outlook / Hope: 9


I’d say my grogginess and slowness of thought have bothered me some. I can normally function at a higher level, but lately it’s been rougher. My energy is low. My depressed thoughts are affecting my sleep. I’m having a harder time sorting through the muck. Coffee addresses nothing regardless of quantity. I’m sure that this is a temporary slump that will correct itself in time. For now, I just plan to get some extra sleep.

No Nickname

I’m a gibberish person. Sometimes the oddest memory is the one thing I remember clearest, that stands the test of time. I can point to things and utter something that is not entirely english, or have just the word you were looking for. It’s an odd bridge between complete insanity, and clairvoyance. Anyway, everyone has a nickname, because they all have a random memory associated with them that has transcended the ages. My sister Jennifer was christened “JaGnAr” many years ago as the result of not typing her name very good in an email or something. The name has to have every other letter capitalized as well. My mom is “Moo,” as you probably know via a bad joke she made in the car. My dad is “Daddo,” which still counts as a nickname because it is clearly not just “dad.”

So I have named others. Especially those who were close to my heart. I have been in love three times, and had a name for each one. Is go over them, but it’s not anything I particularly enjoy writing about. It’s rather acute, because those names I give derive from such a core of passionate, unending love. They are the result of an assessment, a process by which I have come to understand the sum of who you are and have (thus) given thee a name. If that makes any sense.

So I’m learning a new person, in case that wasn’t already clear. I have begun to see who she is, her past, the pain that is there, the honesty and willingness to be understood. She has a good heart, it just got paired up with the wrong kinda guy, and tried to make the most of it until breaking. He wasn’t interested in comprehending her, or becoming attune to her emotional state. And that’s not compatible with who she is. She yearns to be listen too. I was lucky to find her.

But despite all that, I have drawn a blank in a nickname. So far, there are options, but they sound trite and of poor originality. I need something that pops, that comes right off my tongue and is fun to say. And something that makes me think of her. It has to be working on multiple levels. So I have some work to do. Right now, the well does not run deep. Maybe if we dive further down a name will become apparent. As I fill in the space in the story, I’m sure inspiration will occur. But part of me is actually seriously wondering if it even will. Maybe Amanda is different, and she doesn’t need a nickname. It’s entirely possible. I have not ruled that out as an option. Right now it’s clear that neither alternative has the advantage. If it was truly meant to be then a nickname will just explode with appropriate implications. We will all understand why it is so. But I like Amanda just the way she is. A remarkable beacon of light.

I took tomorrow off, because I would have worked overtime on Sunday if I had put in a full week. They asked someone to step down for a day, no one came forward, I stepped up and took the bullet. They knew is was a double overtime day for me on Sunday, but I said to them: “it’s alright to not get one big paycheck when you know you’re going to be making a lot of money over the years. I want to be here for the long term, and I’m going to make plenty of money with you guys.”

My boss respected that frank assessment. It saved the company money in the long run, and was yet another chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor, to show his quality. I took the hit so that I would gain their respect, and they would know I had done everything I could to help out our team. I want to emerge from the pack as the leader, and the first one in line to advance beyond my current rank.

Time and effort go a long ways. And who knows what will happen?

February Mood Album – The Portrait

I had the idea to create another one of these “snapshot” albums, as it reflects my current emotional state and general perceptions of myself as it stands today, taking in to part the story of how I got to where I am. I’m doing this primarily for Amanda, so she can hear who I am right now. This is little more than a musical narrative, mainly built on tempo, rhythm and (loosely) content. As you know, my playlists are designed to fit on a single CD, so no more than 80 minutes. This one is 74 minutes, and goes on a bit of a twisty journey through the many facets of my consciousness.

  1. Enter Sandman – Metallica
  2. You Never Give Me Your Money – The Beatles
  3. Where The Streets Have No Name – U2
  4. I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That – Elton John
  5. Don’t You (Forget About Me) – Simple Minds
  6. Should’ve Known Better – Richard Marx
  7. Rage – Sonic Mayhem
  8. Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
  9. Tonight, Tonight – Smashing Pumpkins
  10. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
  11. Check It Out – John “Cougar” Mellencamp
  12. Ride Like The Wind – Christopher Cross
  13. The Other Guy – Little River Band
  14. True Faith – New Order
  15. The Voice – The Moody Blues
  16. Never – Heart
  17. Back In The High Life Again – Steve Winwood

Why Am I Doing This?

I write a lot about the day-to-day tribulations and triumphs of my life. By creating such an incremental narrative, I shield you from the big picture. This is not my intent, but rather, a byproduct of the format. For this post, I’d like to temporarily change that.

I have bipolar II disorder, and I am affected 85% by depression (which is not like regular depression) and 15% mania. I have had manic episodes, but they are few and far between. It’s the viciousness of the depression that presents the most problems. I have learned through years of trying to treat it, that if you do not respect how dangerous it is, it will own you. I have led my life connecting good sensations across deep chasms of self hatred, and when those connections dried up, I fell. I have done that more than once, and I do believe I have evolved beyond making that mistake over again. Bipolar depression is a crocodile that has latched itself on and will drag you under, drown you, and feast on your carcass. I have treated this dangerous foe with no regard and been crushed under it, and it has become a moral imperative not to let that happen again. I face the challenge of coping with this deadly predator in me, every day.

But I digress. What am I doing with my life? I feel, honestly, that I have squandered much of it. But I have been given many chances to come back and do better. In this most recent permutation of my independence, I am integrating the lessons I learned through many experiences of failure so that I may change. I have a deep DEEP well of shame for what I have perpetrated, and in the past, I have tried to throw myself down it. But a well is also a place where you can drink fresh water, and so too must my regret become something useful. Why am I doing this? Because I’ve lived so foolishly, so obliviously, that I now look at myself as a 31 year old man and wonder what the fuck have I been doing all this time? Resolving something of essential value from that question is pivotal. Who am I? A man burdened by his past, and resolved to change who he is to become. I have lived vicariously, and without respect for the enemy within. But things are different now.

I have awoken to find myself at the bottom of a mighty slope. In my past, I may have balked, or tried sprinting up to arrive at the top faster, but none of these methods resulted in success. Depression hates progress. It feeds on haste and poorly thought out decisions, and turns them inward. I have discovered that if I take my life and compartmentalize it down to minor successes and achievements, a slow and steady ascent begins. A climb that depression has a very hard time disputing. Each step is a fact; proof that I accomplished something good, and made myself proud. Then I do that 400,000 times in a row.

Why though? Because I want to look at the person I am and not hate him. I don’t want to be stuck forever in my mistakes. I deserve a life filled with good things, things built on a solid foundation of priorities. I know now to never put anything above my mental health. Ever. If I have any hope of falling in love, or rising up in my workplace, I must surely be healthy of mind. Depression can’t argue with days upon days of positive achievements. What is it going to tell you? That you suck? That you’re no good? Why would you listen to that, when all you have to do is point to the things you have done to make your life better? You can say to depression: you have no power here, because I have proved, over and over again, that I am worth more than you’d like me to believe.

I try hard to live a life that breaks the pattern of failure. I want something more for myself; to contribute to this world with the slightly deranged perspective I have to offer. I have so much love, passion, eccentricity, and curiosity in me that is waiting to be tapped. I know I have made many mistakes, but I will not let that hold down who I can be. I don’t want to prove anything to anyone but myself. I lead the life I live because it makes me feel good about who I am. I know I’m still bipolar, and things are more volatile for me than most, but I will not be flattened by sadness if I have a choice. Small steps up the slope will eventually get you to a place with one hell of a view.

Goodnight blog. I’m working hard, and it is paying off. I feel better about myself than I have in many years. And I intend to keep climbing. May you find peace in the journey you take towards happiness.

Bring Me A Hammer!

I’ve had a day of many mixed interactions. Mainly, I was given some helpful advice about how to correct mistakes that other employees make, as my way of doing things will surely alienate me from the idiots. Today I took a call from a customer who had done some troubleshooting regarding a drive thru timer, but when I loaded the account, there were no notes, as no service request had been created to document the interaction. I looked to see who it was that had accessed the account and failed to leave an SR, and I’ll give you one guess who it was. If you guessed Dom, you win. Again this fucking loser is failing to do even the most basic work involved in this job. So I called him out to my supervisors, and told the what I had observed, and Dom’s response was to argue with me about how he didn’t have to do his job correctly because of some bullshit logic that if he only does a little troubleshooting, he doesn’t have to create an SR. This is completely untrue, and (admittedly) infuriated my boss. I replied to that email, but I’m beginning to think I shouldn’t have. Dom went back to my bosses and expressed his feeling “thrown under the bus,” which was accurate, because I was hoping the bus would run him over and kill him. Instead, he feels betrayed. But I don’t like Dom, I never talk to him, and I don’t care one lick what he thinks about me. He can take his anger and shove it up his ass. I’m out here doing my job, and doing it well, and he’s going to get pissed that I pointed out how he doesn’t do his? That’s not a reason for me to get worked up. Dom can hate me all day long; his opinions are irrelevant.

My bosses handed me a special project yesterday, and today I finished it. Much to their surprise, I assume. They were all quick to thank me for hammering out that assignment, as it was fairly important that I do that task quickly, and correctly, so our company can get paid. So that list is now done. Right on. What’s next fellas?

I went through Kana and did a couple more tickets, but we got caught up in there too, down to just one page of issues and nearly every one of them being worked on by an agent. I’m still working on two, but I should have them resolved in the next day or so. Blog, I am not even at full throttle right now… and I’m kicking ass and taking names. Boom.

My mood has been great. I’ve had some really fantastic ongoing conversations with Amanda. I’m even going over there tonight for a bit to spend some time with her. A fitting reward for a busy, productive kinda day. I go see Dr. Judge tomorrow morning at 8:30, and I will have lots of good things to report. I have been on an upward trend, balancing the many aspects of my life. I can honestly say that I am improving in several areas, both socially and mentally. Things are headed in the right direction guys.

I’m still at work for another 30 minutes, then in a traffic snarl a the way to Amanda’s house. I’m spending the night over there on Saturday, which I’m looking forward to. Fun things in store. For sure.

**UPDATE 9:00 pm**

I just got back from Amanda’s apartment. We had yet another wonderful conversation about things that happened in the past, friends we knew mutually, memories and relationships that failed. I told her about my many bizarre sexual encounters and fails. Our pasts are similar in plight because we both thought little of ourselves, and did deplorable things in the desperate search for recognition. Acknowledgement is hard to come by, but we really do see each other. Very well. It warms my heart to be with her. So I’m going to bed with many good thoughts in my brain. I hope you have a good night blog. Be well.

Words Of Acceptance

I had quite a day today blog, on multiple levels: I began acquiring a higher level of responsibility, in that I started on a new project that my bosses handed me, and I had a deep interpersonal conversation with Amanda.

At work, I have been filing orders in a flurry, but rarely make mistakes. I have a few, but as that quantity indicates, they must be a fraction of everyone else’s. Anyway, this distinction was earned by completing another project that was handed me late last week, which I knocked out in two days. They summoned me back to take on a much more involved task. It was going to be quite elaborate (at first) because they initially wanted me to call dozens of locations. But instead, they are just building a spreadsheet where they can keep track of the errors. I am now the guy stepping up to solve the problem. And boy do I like that destination. I’m rising to the top, and I am attempting to win them over both heart and mind. I will be one of the brave who venture far from home to get paintballed. I’m going to get my ass kicked, but I’m sure as hell going to give it my best shot. As a resolve, I will exercise vigorously from tomorrow morning and going forward, because I’m not going from “totally sedentary” to “battle mode” in one day. So even if it is a couple weeks off, I sure as hell better prepare, or I am going to get owned. And I’d like to put up some kind of fight. I will not yield, even here.

Today Amanda and I got to talking about the specifics of my instability, which has resulted in three hospitalizations, two divorces, two suicide attempts, and one partner arrested for assault. And countless traumas, some self inflicted, I had endured. I told her everything: the tipping points, the things I went through, and there is still so much to say. I have had a past stained by terrible mistakes, and hidden memories. A lot of my past, I don’t want to remember. But it’s still in there, regardless. Amanda looked at me, and you know what she said? When I told her about how I always stay on top of my meds:

Thats really good. Proud of you

So that was really meaningful. Because even though I was flinging deadly projectiles at her, she held her ground. I’m impressed. My response: Amanda, wow, thank you.

She deals with 400% more suffering than I do, and she puts together a respectable life while raising a son. If you put me in that position, I would shrivel up and die. She carries far more than I ever will, and she does it with a sense of humor and a smile. No matter how hard it gets, she can slip right in amidst the regulars and hold her own. To have her respect is huge, as I am amazed by how she manages to hold it all together. I know she suffers sometimes, and all I can think about is how I’d like to be there for her when that happens, and sympathize with her pain. And let her know that no matter how dark it gets, I will be the candle behind her shoulder. At least, this is my hope. That we could make a great team, as we storm our way back into normalcy and live our independent lives. I think that I still have a lot of questions, because I don’t know Amanda well enough to build a general profile, an understanding of who she is. But these things will take time to uncover, and I’m really great with that. I hope I am right about where I feel things are headed, but much of that story remains to be written.

I had therapy with Margaret this morning, and that went super well. She told me her daughter has bipolar disorder, type 2 (just like mine). I am glad they are figuring it out now, so they can discuss treatment options. Because the road to finding the drugs that work for you is long and full of strife. But it is one we all take, we mentally ill united. She can still lead a great life, if she makes her illness the priority.

So for now I say goodnight blog. And happy hump day for us all.

Keep Your Head Down

Today I continued working with the insanity of a frothy rabid squirrel. Or something approximate to that. In truth, the day seemed to go roaring by because I kept myself busy in Kana (help ticketing system), and also answered as many incoming calls as were thrown my way. It was light in the queues, as I may have fielded less than 20. The rest in my log were all outgoing calls I made following up on those tickets I mentioned. I managed to knock out another four of them, meanwhile, no one else did a single one. It’s a shame that the attitude in the office is to do as little as possible and still get paid for it. Dom was his usual idiot self, and putting himself in a worktime mode so he could gossip about shoes and not have to take an incoming call. Chap was (again) failing to communicate to people, repeating the same dumb things he always says, and sounding completely unenthusiastic about his lot. This is the sad state of rampant ineptitude that permeates my office.

On a tangential note: I have signed up to go get my ass kicked at paintball in the next few weeks. I’m not sure if it will actually happen, but I’ve never done it before and would like to try. I know it hurts, and I’m a massive target, so I will likely be hit a lot, but this is a great chance to create a bond and form a reputation that will earn me respect. I know it’s somewhat trivial, but this seems to be my chance to become the subject of many stories, legends even. We shall see if it becomes a reality.

I have also been texting with Amanda all day, or as often as breaks permit. I am finding that my trust and respect for her continues to grow as we get to know each other better. I’m feeling some big things inside me, pieces that are clicking together, becoming something much greater. I care for her profoundly, and I know she is fond of me. We could make an excellent team in life and love, because it is daunting to face the cold world alone (with no one covering your back). Things are headed in a good direction, and there are still many more steps to take.

Well, I’ve had a busy, blurry day. I’m glad that it is over, and tomorrow I have therapy with Margaret. I have lots to talk about.


Meeting and playing with Tristan was a huge step forward for me. I care about Amanda, and I really want to get to know her son. He and I clicked over his toys, which loosely resembled Lego people. I think one of them may have been. But they were Minecraft themed. Anyway, forks and spoons were also involved in the games. I had fun with him, I hope one day of many to come. I like them both very much.

I hope I’m guiding my life in a productive direction. I told my parents the other night that I was just trying to make the most I had with my available resources, and to try my hardest to impress myself. I figure that’s a good way to get ahead.

Today is a sleepy day. I am quite exhausted, it turns out. I actually napped for a couple of hours, which is so very strange for me to do. I’m going to prepare a light lunch and that should have me back on track. I would have been very hard-pressed to turn in any good effort today at work if I had gone.

I’m downloading some music. Turns out I was missing an entire Jethro Tull album from my collection (The Broadsword and the Beast). So I’m trying to grab a copy of it. But it has like 1 seed. So it may take me a while. I’m eagerly awaiting the arrival of my little Acer EE PC power cord do I can turn it into a Diablo II machine for when I go over to Amanda’s house. That will be fun. I already downloaded the game clients to my thumb drive for install. Radness. So many things are coming together. I did my shopping and am now officially restocked on the 3 things I eat normally. And I did my dishes again.

On a rest day like this one, I can feel a little lost. I think it might just be my neurochemistry being a bit off, as sometimes happens to me on a Monday after an abbreviated weekend. I really will be glad to get two days off in a row this week. I’m going to introduce Amanda to my mom at least as they look at the new stones together (two barrels will be done on Saturday).

I think I’m going to have another coffee and relax.

**UPDATE 8:00 pm**

I spent the evening with Amanda, and we had fun. We watched the first half hour of The Battle of the Five Armies, just to the point where the dwarves seal up the entrance to Erebor just as the survivors from Laketown enter Dale. Amanda guessed (correctly) that Bilbo had the Arkenstone the whole time, even though they never actually show him picking it up until a flashback during this movie. But just like in the book, he pockets the Arkenstone because in his heart he believes Smaug was right – it would only drive Thorin insane to have it. My favorite part is still when Bard nails Smaug with that black arrow. Eat that dragon!

We played some Diablo II and got a couple of waypoints in act 2. We completed Atma’s quest and got a new skill. I leveled twice. I’m now a 22. We decided to wait until tomorrow night to do the maggot lair. It’s 3 levels deep with no waypoints and is a long and brutal affair. But we need the staff of kings, so here we go.

I’m home now about ready to shut it down. I have had a good day, not productive, albeit. But I’m ready to tackle tomorrow head on.


This weekend is packed with things to do. I worked most of Saturday, but then went and met my parents at the RV park and moved some stuff to storage. I stayed with them most of the evening, as this is my first time seeing them in a month or so. I woke up and went to breakfast with Amanda and Tristan on Sunday. That went great. I had fun playing with him and talking to Amanda. It was REALLY nice to see her again. The rest of the early afternoon was spent catching up on chores such as dishes, vacuuming, laundry and cleaning the bathroom. All completed.

I spent the evening at my uncle’s house with my family. My cousin David was there and his son Christian and daughter Chloe. They are both a lot of fun. The new generation, alive and well. We all watched the super bowl, which turned out to be a thrilling game, decided by one pivotal mistake by the defending champion Seahawks in the final 20 seconds of the game. And one of the most outlandish catches I’ve ever seen in all my time watching the NFL.

I never went shopping. So I basically have zero food to survive on today and for the rest of the week. A situation I must rectify with action. I felt like I wanted to take today off, and so I did. I have some accrued PTO (paid time off) and I will be able to use it. After all the running around and constantly doing shit, I really do need a day to just kick back and chill out. I took my one day off and jammed it with shit to do, so naturally I don’t feel rested at all. Just looking out for myself here with a little preventative action.

Today I still have things I need to accomplish. And I’m affording myself the time to go get them done. It was a good weekend, mind you, but I never really caught up on the energy recharge. I just kept burning the same reserves for both days. I want to be able to make it through this week without flaming out.

So today is relaxation day. I go to see Margaret on Wednesday and Dr. Judge on Friday. I will need to at least order my refills, and collect them when I go in for therapy. I’m really excited to see my girlfriend Amanda today too. We have been physically apart for a week. I’m sure we have some catching up to do.

Anyway. Have a great day. This check in is over.

How Things Have Changed

I just went back in time to October 3rd 2012, and read my personal synopsis post, which was so very shocking. Back then, I really did hate myself. I had no pride, no escape from the mistakes of my past. The burden of my errors was smashing my mind to pieces. The post I read was dark, troubling, loaded with fury and seething with regret. I’m really surprised by it. I didn’t really recall it being so acutely bad. But clearly it was.

I reflect, because when I look at myself now, it’s truly amazing to see the full-scale transformation that I have undergone. I’m a man who is proud of who he chooses to be, not ashamed or otherwise mired in sadness. I am confident, assertive, charismatic, hilarious and honest. I sensed from my words that I was deep into depression and not able to grasp any sort of positive thought. I had no love for myself. The contrast between them and now is striking and noteworthy.

I see in this reflection a clear example of the dramatic change I have created for myself. I built this new life I lead from a place much like the one I wrote from more than two years ago. I have come so very far in that time. It shocks me to read those words I so vehemently spat onto the page. I was a troubled, unresolved, angry person back then.

So give it a look, if you dare. The words are laced with a deep internal rage, and unacknowledged loathing. Reader beware.


I had an opportunity presented to me at work over the last few days, of which I have already made mention. Today I finished the conversion spreadsheet. Not only that, I also documented each time where the agent who took the original exchange completely butchered the information collection process. These orders would have all been kicked back because they lacked every single piece of critical data they should have gleaned from the customers when taking the call. So of course Dominique had the most egregious errors, which doesn’t surprise me. He’s a fucking idiot. The others had one error or two, still not good, but less negligent. I handed that’s observations and the completed spreadsheet over to my bosses today, and was immediately thanked and acknowledged. I know they will be able to use that work I did, and now have a much clearer understanding of the status of our back orders.

I also took the initiative today and started working tickets in our web-based help request system, specifically, the ones that no one wanted to deal with and had been largely ignored for days or weeks. I hammered out four of them and am in process on another three. Which is a lot, considering that only two or three guys actually do them, and maybe one a day. Not seven. And my boss Don recognized me already for that, but I wasn’t about to stop applying myself after eating my cookie. Praise or no praise, I’m going to make sure I spend my spare moments during the peak hours on a task, only to be interrupted by an incoming call (which takes priority). I’m pushing myself to not only do what is asked of me, but to do something more than the expected. I’m a mentally ill guy, and for me, this is a matter of pride. Will I live up to my handicap, or will I work THAT much harder to show them all that this disability can’t keep me down? The rest of those guys have normal brains, and I intend to do what they can do, plus 4 times more. I’m better than them, handicapped or not. That’s how I show myself that even a severely ill person can still live a life that I can feel proud of.

And I’m humble. I would never flaunt any of my achievements at work, nor call attention to myself. I lead by example only, and I gain no satisfaction from boasting. I have dignity, and I respect the qualities of humility and politeness. If you really walk the walk, you don’t need to go telling everyone what you did. They can see plain enough what I’m about. So today I feel especially good about my work ethic and sense of self. I have earned a figurative gold star beside my name, and that is quality satisfaction that money can’t buy.

I have been missing Amanda. I’m feeling many positive things for her, and I am making the best of our fractured and infrequent ability to communicate. I am still talking to her quite a bit, but my heart aches for her. I can’t wait until I get to hold her again. This is a test of my self control, and so far, it has been difficult to contain these fledgling emotions I have inside me. New relationships have an energy that is impossible to replicate; they burn with the white-hot fire of 1000 suns. I’m looking down the road, to all the time I plan to spend with her and Tristan. The present moment being arduous, my sense of hope overrides everything with the intention of spending many more days with her than these few without her. It’s hard to direct my mind away from the warm glow of these new feelings, but I know this is only the beginning of a great new adventure. All good things come to those who wait.

Tonight I must retire rapidly. My wake up call will sound much earlier than during the week, as my shift starts two hours sooner. So farewell. More words to come.


I have been handed some new responsibilities at work. They are asking me to review and convert (if necessary) nearly 30 exchanges that have parts on back order. We can’t send those orders the way they are, so it became my responsibility to call all the stores that placed the exchanges and get them to agree to box up the broken equipment they have onsite and let our UPS driver come by and pick them up for repair. This seems like a simple enough idea, but the legwork involved in uncovering the information in one order, and then making an entirely separate order for the repair is a mess. And I’m finding that the other agents I work with place orders that are just shamefully wrong, lacking key pieces of information, and may not have shipped anyway because of the sad state they were in. I can’t believe these clowns still have jobs, and they don’t do them very well at all.

Anyway. I’m doing a lot of unpacking and converting, and calling stores to have them box up their equipment for retrieval. And I’m well over 50% done with the list (having had only one day to work on it), after figuring out that many of them had actually been filled and shipped, but we’re still on the list as back ordered. So those were, at least, simpler. But it was a whole new thing I was being asked to do; a total departure from my regular responsibilities. I was asked by Mike, Joel and Don (my three immediate bosses) to handle this. And so I am. And following each process through to the end. No mistakes.

My brain was furiously scrambling to gather as much focus and concentration as I could muster to keep track of all the open issues I was juggling. I got help from all over, and had lots of questions to ask my supervisors. Naturally. And they were happy with my work.

I was preoccupied with that for most of the morning and early afternoon. Then at 3 I hopped back in the queues and started taking live calls. I only ended up with 26 total, and some of those were the calls I made to the stores to get them to box up their broken equipment. Still counts though. My level of exhaustion is high, and I can’t wait to fall asleep.

It has been hard to be without Amanda physically. We text every day dozens of times, coping with the things that are going on in our respective worlds, so it’s not like we are out of touch. But I want her, and my body craves her badly, and the sudden yearning I experience at my desk keeps me from standing or moving at all until it passes. She had a really tough day today, and I wanted to be there for her. But that would have caused more harm than good. Her son hasn’t met me yet, and to just suddenly be there with her would leave him totally confused. I’m going to get a chance to make my introduction on Sunday, in a structured encounter where he can be there with his mom and feel safe. I look forward to meeting him, and taking the first steps toward becoming his friend.

My parents are in Sacramento helping my sister move out. I do believe she will be coming to San Diego with them, and will be back in town sometime this Saturday. I work 7:30 to 4:00 so I might be able to go see them in La Mesa once they settle in. It’s going to be quite a busy weekend too. Somewhere between breakfast and 3:00 I have to do all my laundry and clean my house. I have been in working mode for this week, and need some time to catch up on the essentials.

I know that was a lot of blathering. But I’m so full of thoughts from today, and this is where I go to let all that stuff out. Be free thoughts, be free.


I have been unfair in my presentation of my feelings for Amanda. There is much more to this relationship than I have indicated. I know I feel profoundly for her, but even though I have not met him, I care for her son too. He is a boy growing up in a fractured parental structure, and from what I have gleaned, he may not have a strong male role model in his life. This is where I come in: a confidant, friendly man who has only to lead by the example of consistency to be a boon in his life. I can do so much just by being there, playing with him, laughing with him, and being the father he should have had. If I’m really serious about falling for Amanda, I should also love her son like he was my own.

I’m a wonderful example of an atypical male who can be both strong and compassionate. I have an extensive history of bonding and befriending children of all ages. I used to tell the kids at the Boys & Girls Club (where I worked) that I had a private rocket ship that would take me on a trip to the mall on the moon, where all sorts of neat things could be found. I told them all about the amazing toys that were up there, and one day, I brought one back. It was a bouncy ball that started off one color, but the more you bounced it the faster it would change into a new color. Which was all true. But the kids lost the ball on the roof before they could get it to change color, and soon they had moved on to the next interesting thing (much the way children do). This was one of my many stories, and the kids looked at me like a big brother. They respected me when I asked them to do something. They listened when I had words to say. I have the capabilities inside me already to be a great friend, a trusted ally and as close to a father as I can manage.

It is important that this be clear: I’m in this all the way. Not just for Amanda, and never to divide her attention away from the most important person in her life. I just want to help him grow, and show him that with love he can feel safe and have someone to look up to. I have not forgotten Tristan amidst the sum of emotions I feel for Amanda. It is a role I am more than willing to accept.

So blog, I have been unfair to you: I have shown you only the new growth of passion I feel for Amanda. I feel it too for her son. He is not forgotten, and will be someone I greatly look forward to knowing. I hope this brief memorandum states the viability of my intentions clearly. I want them both in my life. The end.

Testament Of Respect

I’ve been a fool in the past, often committing myself to situations that warranted a much deeper level of understanding than they were given. I never offered myself the chance to know my partners, and the differences that arose once sturdy bridges had been built caused me a great deal of suffering. I have vowed not to repeat these same transgressions.

I’m thinking about Amanda, and the way she has accepted me, flaws and all. I have laid some seriously pungent history on her, and in return she has kissed me. I don’t know what to say, I’m surprised that she can still see who I am despite all the emotional crime I have perpetrated. I try so hard to live a life I can be proud of, that I often wonder if it will ever be enough to equalize the sins of my past. I’ve hurt so many, made so many fatal mistakes, even taken my life for granted and tried to throw it away. I don’t know why I deserve a person like Amanda.

But truly I am a being bound to the doctrine of forgiveness, and held upright by an unending desire to grow. I face myself in the mirror, and I look at the man I am, and I feel proud of him. I’m not discounting what I have done, but I am forgiving myself. I must. I need to be unencumbered by my mistakes in order to blossom as a new person. If I was stuck beating myself down over two divorces and three people I loved all driven away from me forever, how could I grow into pride again?

Amanda reminds me that I am a creature of change, and that my story is still being written. I have the choice to continue on and represent myself in the world, or I can spiral down and implode into nothing. The decision has always been mine, and now I strive for a life I can feel proud of. I don’t do this for her, I do it for me, because I am the only one I have any control over. I choose how I want to be; no one else can decide that for me. Can I rise to the occasion?

I think I am making progress as a person. I really do like who I am, heavy luggage and all. I have failed to learn enough from my past partners before offering them my unconditional love. I gave it out to whoever showed some interest, and that has led to consecutive failure. I will not do that again. I have grown from the boy who loved so blindly, to the man who thinks so clearly. I deserve that, and it is out of respect to Amanda that I am reserved, because I really do want to build something that lasts with her, and I would squander that chance by hurrying us along to a place we are still climbing up to. Time is the great spectator, watching events unfold: will we burn up like paper in fire, or will we glow like embers? The choice is ours.

So peace be with you on your journey. I am resting assured that my heart is singing the song of infatuation, while hardened by the respect of longevity. I will not ruin this beautiful thing I am making with Amanda. I will be strong. I will be true. Goodnight.

First Light

I’m in a good mood. I woke up this morning to the soft blue glow of the dawn, and was up and ready to go in to time flat. Today I’m not leaving home until much later than I normally do: I have to go by the credit union and create a cashier’s check so that I pay my rent. I always do this a few days before it is due, because that’s just how I roll. Punctual at all times, and preemptive whenever possible.

I have been hanging out in limbo over two very prominent mods: Ultimate Apocalypse and Edain, both of which were expected to be released between now and the end of March. I am unsure which mod will be our first, as Edain looks closer to releasing the four faction demo than UA. So I’m checking the sites regularly and the only news I have so far is that the UA team had some problems with donations, and were working on getting them fixed. Not really any news about a release date or any such event.

It’s Tuesday. I work straight through until Saturday, where I have another 7:30 to 4:00 pm shift. My parents will be in town at that time, so I may just cruise on over to the RV park in La Mesa and see them after my shift. I can pick up Moo and together we can go see the rocks, which were delayed in yet another technical snafu. One of the tumblers shut off and was not rolling for the entire week. The slurry never formed because they weren’t rotating because of a power failure to tumbler 1. Tumbler 2 was done though, and I switched it over to the 500 grit. So now we are a bit out of sync, and I am making daily trips down there to make sure they are behaving normally.

For now, adieu. Amanda’s son Tristan is sickies today, so have him and his wellbeing in your thoughts.

**UPDATE 8:35 am**

I just checked the tumblers, and they are both still going. No stoppages of rotation as far as I can tell.

I’m waiting for the bank to open at 9 so I can make my rent check. I have a bit of time to kill.

Today is going to be a good day. Last night sucked when Jason just decided to not take any incoming calls for the length of the final hour. So it was all on me. He’s a very skilled tech, but that was a lame thing to do to me. I was pretty pissed when I left there. I don’t care what kind of personal problem he might be having, don’t abandon your teammates.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I got my new glasses today!!! I can see again! And it’s like having high definition vision. I had been used to everything in the background being out of focus, and now I can see with laser accuracy. I mean, laser. I feel great, and I fucking love my new glasses.

**UPDATE 3:30 pm**

It’s rad to be able to see again. I feel great. I had myself a big coffee and I am still tired. I guess the double shot is not going to do the trick anymore. My friend Will is going to call me tonight after I get home. I’m going to tell him all about the stuff I have been doing. He’s moving back to Portland in the coming days, and giving it yet another try with his (now) girlfriend Sandra. They have broken up several times and I sure hope this is a healthy thing for him to be doing. Though I would have no clue considering I know little about their relationship.

Anyway. The final quarter of my day is here. Time to make a mad dash for the finish line. See you tonight.

The Learning Stage

I’m at a special time in a relationship when the preliminary hurdles have been overcome: what mistakes were made in the past, what socially unacceptable things are a part of who I am, what sour chapters of my history that have been etched in the obelisk of my life, and so on. Once you get past the brutal reality, there is only green grass and warm sunlight for miles. The next task becomes exploration of a vast new land, full of secrets waiting to be unearthed. I’ve done this part of a relationship many times before, but I feel like I held back my preferences and beliefs, because they were not compatible with my partner. Some things I found caused me concern, but I never voiced it. I kept those things a secret from my partners and stuffed them down, stranding them in an oubliette of forgetting. I cannot do that again.

In this time of discovery, things begin to feel safer. The things that could have caused major differences are past, and what remains is largely about appreciation. The tumble into understanding hastens, and intimacy deepens as the pages are turned. I want to fall in love with Amanda, and I think I will. As I open up to her, I will unfurl my emotions and they will solidify into connections that bring us closer together. My heart already beats for her, and that energy invades all parts of me. My manhood is electric for her physical self, rising even with just a few words of trust from her lips. I am a machine, pumping the fluids of eccentric joy. I have found someone who I desire to know deeply, of who’s respect I yearn for, and who’s body I’m enslaved by.

Tonight is a night of peace, as the fertile land of my uncharted journey lays beneath me; a welcoming landscape I pine to explore. And soon I shall, and I will find myself neck deep in enthusiasm for her, as if I wasn’t already.

Have a tranquil and restful night. On the cusp of great things, I bid thee farewell.


It’s been:

331 days since I tried to kill myself, and my life with Jax came to an end.

218 days since I started working for Mood Media.

115 days since I moved into my apartment.

63 days since I was officially divorced.

12 days since I met Amanda.

Get After It

It’s the start of a new week, and I feel great. I spent a wonderful weekend with someone I care about, and even got some shit done all the while. I woke up ready for my day, and now that it is upon me, I find it to be pretty laid back and event-less. No one is calling, even though it is typically busiest on Monday morning.

I got a bit of a workout this weekend doing things with my body that I had not done in many many months. Not that I’m complaining; it’s the good kind of sore.

Today is already a slog. I will keep this little post updated over the length of my shift.

**UPDATE 2:30 pm**

It got busy for a little while there, but has slowed down again. Amanda wants me to meet her son, and it looks like we are going to do that on Sunday at 9. I’m excited that she wants to take that step. We are happy together, and we’ve already covered so much ground. Our conversations have been deep and meaningful. Our understanding of each other’s pasts has been extensive and optimistically curious. We are engaging on deep and meaningful levels in multiple regards. I’m very pleased.

I hope your afternoon is rolling by without being a pain in the ass. Peace.

**UPDATE 3:45 pm**

Last break of the day. Things have slowed again. I’m feeling like I could use some coffee, but I don’t have time to go get any, and there’s no way I’m drinking work coffee. Rancid pig vomit that stuff is. Also known as Folgers.

Amanda has her son this week, and I am glad she will be with someone who loves her. It’s an invigorating feeling to be the twinkle in someone’s eye, to have an everlasting hold of their heart. I admire and respect the mother-child relationship.

Things are good blog. I will be happy to be headed home, despite my need to go shopping before I get to jump into my jams. All good things to those who wait.


Rapture of night,
Hues bent and pale,
Sullen as the arctic sea,
Crisp snap of white fire.

Skirts caught in the wind,
The promise of hands–
And forgotten regret,
Shadows under the stars,
A distant whisper.

Run ragged in passion,
Exploratory fingers,
A taste of soft seams,
Subtle to yearn,
Desperate for release,
The clutch of together.

Child of moonlight,
A story in her eyes,
Wear the hat of chance,
Ever embraced,
The search is over.

Sunday Bliss

I have had an awesome day, and feel fantastic about how I spent my weekend. Amanda and I got back together this morning and had a day of talking, sharing, gaming and intimacy. I did my laundry with her, changed the rock tumblers as well, and found myself enjoying my day off tremendously, in the company of someone I find very special.

We fit together, and we are already building a bond that I intend to last. I don’t know what the future will reveal, but with every fiber of my desire, I want to spend it with her.

I feel amazing. Today is usually a sullen day, one that I spend alone, watching TV or playing games. But I have no one to talk to, and the stone floors are so very cold and unforgiving. I have been truly shocked by how good I feel with her, and how sweet and thoughtful she is. I find her interesting on many levels, and we still have so much to talk about. The learning has only just begun, and I am captivated by her at this moment in our journey. I don’t know what else to say, I’m happy right down to my core, and the empty hole inside me left vacant by love forsaken is being nurtured and healed.

I’m pretty tired. I didn’t get to bed until around 1 last night, and I will have to do some cleaning in my bathroom tomorrow morning. I had started to clean it, but then I shaved and messed it all up again. My dishes are done though, and that was bothering me that I hadn’t done them.

Have a good night blog. I will rest easy and peacefully, and dream of my Luna.


I’m up WAY past my bedtime, and with good reason. Plans changed rapidly today as towards the end of my shift Amanda and I got to talking. We agreed that instead of meeting for coffee we’d much rather play Diablo II, so she offered to host a LAN party at her apartment. I thought it would be way more fun than me sitting alone at home on Skype so I agreed. I went home after work and gathered up the essential computer components and headed over.

We got into a conversation, and soon Diablo II was nearly forgotten as we shared stories of trauma, past relationships and general philosophies about our perceptions of the world. It was the most refreshing and amazing discussion I’ve had with anyone in a long time. We held nothing back, and told each other the unadulterated truth. I asked her if we could see each other exclusively, and if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes. I reached out and held her hand, and then I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. We held each other for a while, and then we kissed. Fireworks.

We talked, drank coffee, and grew closer as the evening was spent. It was unlike anything I have known to be possible. We connected on deep, essential, fundamental points. Passion and synergy captured us, and soon we were together, as one, looking into each other’s eyes and sharing a moment of unity. It was an explosion of understanding, a raging fire of passion, everything I had imagined and more. She was incredible.

We luxuriated in our underthings and talked about our tomorrow, which was rapidly approaching. I knew I had to get home and take my meds, even though I wanted to stay the night there with her. I made the only choice, and we resolved to reconvene in the morning.

Blog, this was most unexpected, but completely welcome. She’s someone who I have grown very fond of, and want to go on a journey with as I understand her better. There are still many things we have yet to learn; the first chapter of our tale has only just begun. I’m not in love. How could I possibly have such a profound emotion at so early a stage? We are resolved to discover each other over the course of our relationship. We have a physical magnetism that cannot be denied, and we held nothing back tonight. We fit together.

I am on the path to discover someone who shares a remarkable number of commonalities with me, although I have learned much, there are many chapters yet to be written. Next week she will be with her son, and I will be in a holding pattern. I respect the irreplaceable bond between mother and child, and in time, I will come to know him too. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want anyone but her.

It has been quite a night, and now it is time for me to rest. Until tomorrow blog, be well travelers.