Routines

Now that things are finally starting to fall into a pattern, I am feeling a sense of relief and peace. My schedule has been accelerated since starting full time for NAMI last month, but the rewards of occupation are numerous. I find myself feeling more active and I have lost 13 pounds without the aid of excessive exercise. I find my mental acuity to be improved since smoking was not a part of my every two hour routine. I get a lot of shit done these days, and wondering about the ways I can take on more things.

Not overburdening myself though, mind you. I have a limit and it is not yet reached.

Personally, things have been better. My new pattern is becoming very familiar, and so to are the benefits of mutuality. I have taken the step of reaching back out to my ex to be a friend to her. I felt terrible about her status of not having anyone to talk to or relate with about the struggles she faces. Still, I am hoping this proves to benefit our dynamic and not present further things to fall apart over. I know full well the help I can provide and the limits of that assistance. Being isolated and unrelated to is awful and I never want her to feel that.

My future is looking increasingly like a real person’s life. Aspirations of independence, fiscal stability and a ceiling of upward expansion that has yet to be fully reached. I know my life is changing, and so much of it is for the better. There are still some things which will take time to resolve or become clear how things are to be delegated, divided or otherwise dealt with. Still figuring out a way forward that works best for everyone is not entirely clear.

 

 

Grindy Grind

After more than 6 months of working from home, I am back in a physical space of employment to fulfill my new full time hours. The transition has been refreshing but tiring. From unstructured mush pile to the rigidity of alarms, bedtimes and long commutes – these have been the agents of positive fundamental change. I’m feeling more awake, refreshed and alert than ever before.

I have been thinking a lot about my recent past. As you know, I disconnected from my ex a few months back after a bit of waffling by both of us on our dwindling future together. The second time she called it off I feel like it stuck despite my denial at the time. I knew there was nothing there for me anymore, other than to serve as a repository for woe. In a relationship that nourishes, both parties have an equity of relevance, conversation and affection. When one partner is dying, this dynamic is skewed. There was no healthy balance in that situation, I learned… only a role defined by unending support, attentive listening and unquestioning understanding.

There was no space for individuation amidst a crisis which looms larger than any other mutual issue. I found that even though I was desperately needed to be that support person, I too was suffering a death of happiness, of dreams, of a memory of what that relationship was before cancer. When I finally severed my ties, I did so only out of self preservation. My depression was growing as the lifespan of my partner faded. With no remedy in communication, we split from a unified path and spiraled off in utterly distant directions.

I feel guilty all the time for choosing to help myself and not help her. I could not survive the dynamic, and she knew I would not and tried to end things peacefully long before it reached the point of despair I allowed it to arrive at. I feel a pain for her, but I knew that there was little to nothing left to gain by prolonging the inevitable separation of priorities that awaited us as she neared the end of her life.

So, about the time that I ended things with her, I began exploring options for a healthier dynamic. In truth, I did this initially so I could express some pride in myself. I think I’m a good person, definitely interesting, and I have a lot to offer in terms of companionship. Why not advertise that confidence in a context where I can be appreciated fully?

I did just that, despite my sorrow. I stepped forward and into a future where my life situation was not a constant source of depressed thoughts and feelings. I sought conformation, and got it from myself, and from others.

While I have been actively out here voicing my pain, and reflections on my past, I have been working on rebuilding my reality around a dynamic that nourishes instead of depletes. I needed to be appreciated, understood and ultimately loved by someone who was seeing the entire picture of who I was. Lofty expectations, I know.

At the cost of abandoning one life, I have forged another. With the toll of pain, I have entered a new stage. I uncompromisingly decided to live my life where my health and well-being are the primary concern, then followed by the energy I have to give to the other people. I will not live FOR anyone but myself. This does not mean I am selfishly absorbed in my own pleasure, but my health comes first before I render assistance. I do help, a lot, every day, and this too nourishes me because I am able to give my energy freely, without concern of an unintentional relapse into a darker place. Did I hurt her on my way out? Undoubtedly yes… but she knows as well as I that there was no happy future, no time of promised tranquility on the road we were walking together… and now that time is over.

This rant is not absolution, since I live with the guilt. This rant my proclamation of change. I have stated time and time again that I would not be willingly mired in depression and sadness if there was something proactive I could do about it. I have taken my positive steps and now the future I have in mind looks much more healthy and functional than it did in the recent past.

No amount of penitence can absolve me of my sadness over her, but a brighter way forward is the proof of self worth I need to construct a better life for myself.

Anxiety

I think about the good times of relative mental stability I’m having. How long will this last? Spinning…

My mom is of deteriorating health. She refuses to admit the problem or get help. She struggles on in stubborn silence and suffers the consequences of neglect. Dad is already dying. Getting weaker by the day. His spirit is strong, but once he becomes unable to speak, he won’t want to be alive anymore.

The future of these things happening has become suddenly apparent for some reason. Is this a rush of anxiety? Do I now realize my station is contingient on having a parent to take care of? I needed to find a way to sustain beyond this limited role, and I have not done so of late. I have not secured a future beyond the shortening lifespan of my parents.

All along the way, I had hoped to sustain a relationship that would be my “net” once the parent world fell apart. I thought I had this in some limited capacity before (with K), but now realize I’m back to zero. I have as much to give as I ever have, but I have more energy than my parents have time left to enjoy it. Things are leaning towards decay, at an ever increasing pace. I wonder now what I am doing, and if I am safe to continue doing so into the foreseeable future.

I gamble all on the devotion of love.

I will always be there for my parents, even if it ruins me in the process. I owe them everything, and I will give everything I have if it will help them have a better transition. I have nothing to lose. No property. No wealth. I have only my time, energy and words to give to them for as long as I can. The end seeming nearer than it has been before.

I also must try to find someone who can understand my plight and still love me all the same. I have not given up hope, but it is not a viable thing to invest much time in. I am trying but who knows what will come of it. I have had glimmers of success, to be followed by sadness (in recent memory). I have no more allowance for excessive sadness in my dynamic anymore. I’m full on woe.

 

Good luck me. Keep my path all the same! Persevere (and find evidence of life on Mars)!

Metaphortastic

When it is right, you know it?

I’ve long believed in that, awaiting the validation of truth. Have and keep, not have and have ripped away, burned, exploded or otherwise lost.

The only way to know is to walk forward, open, in anticipation of the uncertain road ahead.

My canvas is white and not smeared with failure.

I do not know, I only hope.

I will fail again, only to procure a new surface to draw upon.

 

!

I’ll tell you now that I’m tired of languishing. I am bogged down in this mud and I’m fucking sick of it. This is me moving out and up.

The cost is high no matter what road is chosen, but at least in this aspect I have some control over my fate. I decide what steps forward I take and what I give my energy to.

My mental health as the priority, I needed change in order to jolt free of this negative pattern that has pervaded the last few months. That time for change has come.

It hurts, it sucks, but it is totally necessary in order for there to be progress.

Goodbye. Hello! Let’s start a new path onward.

Blam

Well, fuck, Blog. Here we are at another cul de sac. Life has reset back to an uninteresting state.

I feel like cold potatoes.

Something good will inevitably come of all this trial and error. Trial and trial. Smash and pancake.

One is gone, but hope remains for a future where fun things are happening.

Button press. Beep. Boop.

Here we go again.

With Feeling?

I wish I could write it all out; just how I’m feeling inside… but the haze continues to obscure. I thought breaking away would being the calm I had been seeking… but instead, a chasm has opened. In to it go all my silent words, all the pain I had been stashing. Emptied.

Now, though… I’m finally alone in my circumstance. All the stress is gone, but the misery remains.

I still don’t know who I am, or what I want. I have so much left to give, and a lot of work still to do. Life is meant to be thought of with the arrow pointed up. My arrow is nowhere to be found at the moment.

I am going away for a while. I am walking about to find who I am right now, and what going forward means to me. When I come back, hopefully I will have learned something.

Unchecked

I had been feeling very untethered or adrift lately. I was without focus or clarity as to my path forward. Time was spent attempting to properly ascertain what I could do to get out of my funk.

Good self care is about using the right tool when you need it. I found myself turning to music a lot, and songs that invoked an emotional response. This helped me re-live my feelings that I had been suppressing, and memories I had been hiding. It’s better to try and deal with things upfront, I’ve always preached. Now I need to do a bit of that for myself.

I moved on to having good discussions with my therapist and mom. Mom had a bit of a breakdown and I had to deal with a pyroclastic flow. I decided to do a daily check in with her about mental health and good strategies for expression. That introspection is helpful for us both. I need there to be tranquility in the environment in order to have a shot at thriving.

I tried a bit of poetry. It’s not really my flavor right now. I need an outlet. I tried gaming, but I’ve lost the taste for that as well. I just feel like there is something else I should be doing. LIke I’m not allowed to play or something. I think I have this problem with the whole “work at home” phenomena. I need “work” time and “play” time and a way to re-enforce those boundaries.

Overall though I feel a mix of sorrowful, disconnected and lost. I tried all these things and still there is this fog hanging over me. I had a future that I’ve completely lost sight of, and it’s not coming back. I need to do something to reframe so I can emerge from this haze.

It Was With Us

It’s been here for some time, we are beginning to discover. The testing is so far behind we have no idea what the scope of this thing encompasses. I remember the numbers on the daily ticker… when they were much smaller. How long does this go on for? What a frustrating apocalypse this is.

My transition has been smoother than most, but still a dramatic deviation from the well-established norms. I don’t know what lies ahead, but my first guess about the scope and scale of the pandemic was pretty right on.

I hope we do not reach 60% infected. I hope it stays where it is… around 3%. Does it just keep getting worse, further stuffing us into our little security compartments? I already hate the way we are surviving this and I’m surely going to hate it more when there are fewer things for us to do.

I hope you all get through this with no COVID-19.

Dry

The river has stopped flowing. Sunny days sap the ground of its moisture, leaving a parched and blighted waste.

Remembering the kiss of rain on sand; the fragrance of dampened dust.

When the twilight comes and the warmth of day is gone, then, alone in the cold of night.

Deeply breathe in the stale air of the abandoned place.

Breathe. Breathe.

 

 

Settle

The dust of transition is beginning to settle in a very literal sense. I have moved, past tense. The purge of stress is complete and I am riding the wave of accomplishment.

My ablative self has come back to Earth. The crater smolders and yet there is regrowth. New plants are forming all the time. Little yellow flowers blooming.

What to do? Settle in and survive the virus. Priority one.

Priority two: get K to CA

Next is yet to be.

The Ablative Self

Even in the midst of devastation, there are morsels of undiminished goodness in there too. I am feeling recognized, appreciated and gratified. By melting off my exterior sadness, I have opened the way for something new. The light of possibility shines again!

I did not like being discarded, but it is refreshing to be found once more.

I know why, yes. But now I don’t have to fret over my status but rejoice in the change of it.

So

Nothing about this is beyond the realm of understanding. It’s never been about irrationality. Good to have it for as long as is possible, then, no more. Death.

I can’t control anything but who I am and where I direct my attention. Time to mourn, and move forward. Survival is stronger than greif.

Perilous. The road is filled with tears. But redemption also.

iPhone Suggestion Only Post

I’m so sorry 😐. Hahahahaha you know what? I’m glad to hear that you’re going to be home soon. I love you 💕. I hope you are having some wonderful day and a good evening to be safe. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you back from your pain yet. I’m so proud to be able to get my life together soon. Hahahahaha sorry babe I’m sorry babe sorry. I’m so proud to say I am a good morning person and love you so much and you always look beautiful and you can love me babe.

I love the way you can get the stuff to be taken off and you have no not no problem at you. I’m glad to you have a good job 👍 was there something to you babe and you were doing a yes. I’m so proud of you 👍 was your birthday 🎂 I love you 😘.

————

Wow. If this is any indicator of the most frequent words I type I need to mix it up a bit. iPhone suggestions humble my limited vocabulary skills down to “sorry,” “love,” and “babe.”

I do think I say more things than this but the activity of having iPhone decide my dialogue has been revealing. I like how it recommends emojis even though I don’t use them. I don’t speak that language. Im disappointed in myself.

COVID-19

I, along with countless others, share a general sense of unease at the arrival of this novel coronavirus on the world stage. At the time that I write this post, over 88,000 have contracted it with 3,000 dead. 102 confirmed cases in the United States with 6 dead.

That doesn’t seem at all like pandemic territory, considering the flu has killed 16,000 this season alone. But…

COVID-19 did all that in a little over three months, not an entire season like the flu had. COVID-19 kills 2% of those infected, which is a higher rate than the flu. The global PR machine has been working overtime to spin calm and complacency, but is there any reason to be?

What I see is a rapidly expanding bubble, touching more people than the governments of the world can account for. The bubble infects some that can be explained or traced, and then others who we have no idea how they contracted the virus. These “community” infections are most troubling because they represent an unhinged aspect to the spread which could accelerate into the aforementioned pandemic territory.

I don’t fear for myself, but I do fear for others. I’m unlikely to die from COVID-19, but my parents are in jeopardy due to their age. The novel coronavirus is being downplayed in a way that is largely CYA and less about informing the public of the very real possibility of a much bigger, life-altering event that would reshape how our daily activities are conducted.

What gets me is that we have now made this arbitrary potential pandemic a political issue, like it’s somehow reflective of our absurd politics and not the result of a new infectious pathogen randomly appearing on the global stage. This is not Donald Trump’s fault, nor is it the fault of the Democratic Party. We all need to pull our heads out of our asses and look straight ahead.

Lean times might be coming soon, and we are fools for believing that the divisive rhetoric of the past conflicts will serve any propose in the epidemic to come. Right now would be the best time to pool resources, keep people informed and work logically to halt the spread of this virus as best we can. People will die because our discourse can’t be honest or rational enough to tell us the truth about the crisis looming on the horizon. We will not be pacified and deluded, only to be taken by surprise when the shit hits the fan. Wake the fuck up and start telling it like it is. We deserve your honesty; our lives are at stake.

So people: no need to horde face masks and hand sanitizer. No need to blame your political rivals. We only survive if we are smart and aware together. We will prevail if we work collectively to stay informed and safe. Sadly, this will not be the case, and our petty politics will intrude upon the truth with thousands of lives as the final consequence.

The Voyage Home

I’ve been in Mobile since Friday, departing this afternoon for California. This trip was longer than my last, which gave me time to become acclimated to being with K. It felt like a life together. It was as a very positive trip, with the specter of cancer still ever present.

This morning I broke down. And now too. I’m having a difficult time holding off my sadness and tears. I want to have this life, but so many obstacles and uncertainties are in the way. The unclear future has yet to reveal a long term forecast and that absence sends my anxiety looking for things to speculate about.

One thing I do know is that I love her and it would not be hard to be her partner in a practical sense. I have a confidence in myself and a fear of the unknown. This circumstance is stressful, but also full of love, and friendship.

But I have to go home now. I have to say goodbye to my girl and lock her away inside my phone; until we see each other again. I am holding you in my heart K. I hope we emerge from this tough time stronger, as I am strengthened in facing my pain by the inspirational way you address the difficulties of life. Never have I been more proud to be someone’s partner. That’s what makes goodbye so hard. That’s why I’m crying while I type this little post. I’m scared, and I don’t know what’s coming for us. What I do know is that I’ll love you loyalty and truly for as long as you are around to be loved.

So goodbye K, and may this not be our last adventure together.

The Feels

What is the right way to be? Is it who I’m needed to be, or is it just “me?” In the past, I have become who I believed I was supposed to be, for the person that I partnered with I have learned that making oneself fit into a cookie cutter often leaves bits chopped off, or gaps.

Being disconnected from the way K did a few days ago was painful, because it felt like it was also a condemnation of the quality of which I love. As if to say: she felt she’d be better off without my presence in her life, despite her intention to protect me from a perceived future calamity. Said calamity is a growing possibility, but admittedly, not yet set in stone. What I do know, and she came to discover, is we only have the time we have. How we spend that time is ultimately ours to decide. I do not still feel hurt by this, mind you, because she did miss my presence in her life and did not like the feeling of my absence. This turn of circumstance has allowed me to be much more rapidly introspective about the whole thing.

Now, however, I find myself being “clingy.” I got let go of once, I’d like to ensure that it doesn’t happen again due to some sort of neglect on my part. Am I not hearing her? Am I not there for her like I ought to be? Am I telling her how I feel about her enough? So, naturally, this is a sort of panic reaction. I’m noticing it, I’m doing something to regulate the urgency of this unproductive prerogative. I do need to establish that the lines of communication should be wide open, because we only succeed together in total honesty.

I hurt her too a few months ago, when I she felt stifled her sharing about what she was going through with her cancer treatments. This has had a lasting effect, and now there is a barrier of hesitancy between us that distresses me. I understand why she feels this way too… I’m still grappling with how to be in my role in our relationship, given the torment of her every waking moment. I long to “do” something but sometimes the only thing the “do” is be there, talk, laugh and try and move the time along. Share something, have a distraction to engage in. Most importantly though, is proximity, and physical comfort. This is the thing I can’t do, which makes for the source of my emotions. It’s a tough role to mark our first 6 months together, but I’m working my way through this just as she is.

This rant has a point. That is: we are humans trying to survive a particularly stressful circumstance. I struggle, she struggles, I help her up sometimes and other times she’ll help me. Partnerships are built on being equals when you can be, and allies when you need to be. The brand of love I bring is the unconditional variety, which makes me both vulnerable and naive. I long to be loved back the same way, because having someone that close who will protect you when times get tough is the core of surviving this world. Allies are essential to success and establishment of identity. Whether its friends or partners, we need people to reflect back to us who we are, and what space we occupy in the world.

K is my partner, and even if she wanted to brave this thing alone, she still has me, and I’m going to the edge with her if need be. I’m loyal to her cause and I’m desperate to have her in my life for as long as I can. Losing her artificially was toxic, and losing her for real is still a possibility. I would like to do what I can to help her through this particularly dark time. I’m counting on having her, but I know I could lose her. I will take every precious chance to be in her orbit, however distantly. For who she is, for what she believes in and how fiercely she fights… I believe she will emerge from this hardened.

Who am I? I’m still me. I only have a switch that goes from LOVE to OFF and right now that bad boy is stuck open. I only know one way to be a partner, and that’s in admiration of the one who chose me, and a respect to myself to keep that person she loves still vital, healthy and not crushing myself into a cookie cutter mold.  Staying honest to myself helps me stay strong and aware of issues when they emerge (being mentally ill: issues always emerge). I can only control who I am, and who I am is a work in progress.

Back To Normal

It was hard, those three days of heartbreak. Now, however, that time has passed. In its place is the regularity of the schedule we were enjoying before all hell broke loose.

I feel vindicated in a way, like I’m not the abhorrent person I thought I was based on the reaction of being cut off from my partner. Take that, voice of self-doubt!

I go see her in 6 days, which I’m excited about naturally. Cross country flight. Night boy will need all his night skills for this trip.

I love her and I’m with her no matter what happens at this point. Good or bad, I love her.

 

Don’t let me go K.

And Then…

K came back! Like me, she suffered immensely in the extended hiatus and longed for what we had. My pain was hers, as she too struggled with her feelings. Should I be exiled to be “protected” or kept close until whatever end?

She decided keeping me close was easier than trying to push me away. Plus, her doctor said something to the effect of: “hey, you know, brain tumors can do some pretty crazy shit to your emotions and reasoning.” Prompting a reconsideration of her decision to keep me out of the circle. Plus, my blog posts here have been particularly saturated with sorrow and sad boy, which also had an unintended but highly beneficial effect.

Today I know her text is coming, and the feeling that brings me is one like a fountain of exciting bubblegum. Like a lizard that is warm on a rock. Like the smell of your favorite shoes. I think that pretty much says it all.

Clasped

I love like a prayer, whispered as though being heard exclusively, desperately by the ears of someone who understands.

Feeling within an ache and a tumult; like storm waves lashing coastal rocks. I roil, but soon, the tide will flow out and the wasted shore will be laid bare.

More than anything, to be back in the sunlight of her favor. To hear the tone of her voice and her laughter like dandelion kisses on my cheeks. I remember her sweetly like pollen in the breeze. I long to be back, for however long I can be, until her light goes out. If indeed it ever does.

To face the darkness of the world without her is lingering in an eclipse without end. She lives yet she is gone, hidden from casting her radiance wide upon my world. A flourish of that magic that inspired my soul to give itself to her.

The bleak shadow of the darkened moon bleeds into the astral blackness of the chasm that divides us. Cast me down, into that void… reaching for the dwindling horizon. I’m drowning. I’m vanishing.

Yearning to Absolve

I wish I knew how to feel differently; to wipe away the congealed pain like grease on a skillet. Instead, I’m left pondering my loneliness.

Absolution is a hope but not a realistic one. Only those who frequent delusions can lock themselves out of reality fully… where I am left grappling with the truth.

I miss her like a spectral limb. The empty vastness of my life now apparent, I’m seeking a remedy to the sudden and harsh lack of communication.

I toil on.

Sore

We didn’t have anything new to say, but that we missed each other. I do miss her.

I was so glad to see her text, even if I knew it wasn’t going to end in her coming back. I knew she was sad too. I wanted to text her but I didn’t… I have nothing I can say. She didn’t want to hurt me but she did. She didn’t let the future play out, she kicked me away before I could see her to the end. I have lingering pain because I wasn’t expecting to lose her.

I don’t want to be reminded if she’s lonely. I didn’t create this crisis… I am the one wishing it could go back to the way it was. I know she doesn’t want that though.

I thought I was good for her. I thought our interactions made her feel better.

She seems to be better off without me around at all. So be it.

Flattened

It’s not good. The hallways are narrow and I’m feeling like my steps are slowing down, dragging out each painful agony where I can’t reach the end. A vacant area swirling with bits of trash and dried leaves.

Looking outward, the sun still shines somewhere. I can’t see anything.

I didn’t do a good enough job to be kept. I was not useful. I created burdens. I reminded of a future that could never be. Another failed attempt at being a partner added to a long history of sequential failure.

I hoped to have stopped my search, but now I must go on alone.

Maybe I will move on one day, but not anytime soon.

Broke

Well K decided the relationship is over. After this, I’m not sure what I’ll do. My chest hurts. My nose is all stuffy. My tears won’t stop. I gave what I had and now she’s done.

No more daily person. No more good morning messages. No planning period conversations. No note that she made it to her car. I loved being her support person and I adored her presence in my life. Now that is gone. The hole it leaves behind hurts me.

Move on to the next day. One step forward now alone. Soldier on into the nothing with no one there. No hand to hold. No future to dream about. I’m broken with my heart wide open. I miss you already. I miss you always.

Magic Beans

I wish I was able to give her a bean and her pain would go away. A magical bean that lifted the burdens of worry and anguish. A bean to save the day, as beans so rarely do.

But sadly, I have no bean. I only have my own sense of inadequacy, frustration, and sadness.

If only I had a bean that would fix everything. What a happy little bean that would be! Hooray legume of power!

All I have is my love, devotion and upcoming trip this month to bestow my physical compassion on my lovely girlfriend, as she fights to the bitter end with her cancer.

We will get through this, with or without beans.

 

Chemo K

My girlfriend has a cancerous tumor on her spine, and she is well into a month plus of heavy chemo. The toxic sludge she has to ingest wrecks every part of her body, and is pushing her right to the brink of death. For me, I know there is no way to shield her from the pain, or the symptoms… but I can be compassionate, loving and humorous at relevant intervals. This is what I can do from far away. Empathy, compassion and understanding are my tools. She is now also receiving radiation treatments to help destroy the tumors, with an accompanying set of additional side effects. My heart breaks for her, but there is little I can do to make her day-to-day life less agonizing.

I am eager to get back to Mobile and see her in person, so I can be a physically useful person in her immediate proximity. How can I relieve the biggest burden, the pain, if I am not there to actually carry the load? I’m going to put my tax return to good use and let Uncle Sam pay my way to the deep South next month and get a few days of relief in line for her. Plus, all her friends and family have come out of the woodwork now that she has a diagnosis and many are offering help of some sort. I’m glad she has that support network to rely on.

My therapy session was focused on my role in this new predicament. I feel both glad for the love I feel, and afraid of all the potential negative outcomes. I have anxiety, yes, but it does not own my processes. Worry is healthy, and a response that I feel is somewhat appropriate to reflect the gravity of the subject matter. I love someone who is going to come very close to death, and that’s a scary thing.

I know I need to be there, and I will be for a time. K is unbelievably strong. Her strength helps me keep my mind on the positive, and the inevitable victory she will achieve over this unwanted intruder. I hope I can help her somehow… I don’t really think I do much but distract her. That is relief, at least.

Have a good week everyone.

 

Hi

I’m checking in for the first time in a while. I have been sliding down into a depressed state for many weeks now, and I am starting to use my coping tools to help me find a way back up. I have already begun this turn to some degree but coming back here and writing my thoughts out is a big part of how I process.

My depression is lubricated by the circumstance of K having cancer and engaging in a knock-down, drag-out brawl to liberate herself from it. It’s a very real possibility that she will not be here at the end of this struggle, and that chills me in a cold-knife-to-the-intestines kinda way. I do try to keep my optimism and attitude positive but I won’t hide that I’m scared. I gave her every part of myself that I had to give, and she could be gone. More than just that though, I feel detached from myself like I’m watching my reality through a screen and I have the joystick in my hands. I don’t feel like there is much I can do to influence anything… I feel ineffectual somehow. Irrelevant maybe is the better word. I have lost a sense of what I am good for, what I am doing and why I am doing it. Is anything I do making a real difference? Are people benefitting from the energy I give? Am I even giving enough in the first place? There is a voice of nagging negativity and dubiety plaguing me from afar. Work has felt like a black hole since we lost our office. I’ve had a very hard time establishing a routine since there is no physical location to drive to. I end up somewhere between serious and relaxed, composed and decomposing. I need to get out of this house and I have been contemplating ways I could have a remote location where I do work. I’m actively problem solving my circumstances. Lastly, I just feel that neurochemical imbalance… slow, sad, unexcited, bored, anxious. It’s an all the time stagnant haze which my flashlight only further illuminates rather than provides me with any clarity on the path forward.

Though these thoughts and feelings do haunt me, they are a small fraction of the pervading good that I feel in my life. Many positive things are happening in my world that are cause to be hopeful: I have a wonderful woman in my life who knows me and loves me for who I am; she is with me every day whether physically present or not. I have a loving family that is willing to work on improving their  communication skills. I just traded in my 15 year old Dodge for a new Nissan truck! I have a job where being mentally ill isn’t something I need to hide, it’s something that qualifies me to do the work that I do. We just bought a new house for my mom and dad and I, in a very beautiful area just up the freeway from Sacramento. Life has never been as good as it is about to be.

I have these dialectical thought processes: I take the good and the bad and respect both while not siding conclusively with either aspect. I often proceed with things having considered both the positive and negative aspects of said things (or, I try to). I can love/hate with the best of them. I think this keeps me from being too stubborn, or too closed minded. I like having things to add to either column, and since the balance favors the less objectionable option, I have the ability to be moved on issues where most would be unwilling to acquiesce. It also helps me not get too lost in my depression, because I can still see the good too. I know there is sadness, and sometimes it is the only thing I feel… but I also know that the sadness will pass on to something else if I help it do so. A distraction, or a game, a good conversation, a hug if you can get one for sure but we don’t always have someone to hug. There are things I can do for myself to help me get out of this place and that’s what I’m going to be pushing for in the days ahead.

I need to get this body moving again and continue my better eating habits. I have a plan of action to help restore my vital energy and eccentric spunk I’m so often known for. I am coming back, one doofy comment at a time.

Alabama

Your worry is a shroud of fog that hides a vast world underneath. A veiled reality that the future and events have not yet made clear. I wish I could help you see through to the truth of what can be.

You fret over me but I know this is out of a fear that love will fade as it has in the past; with other men. You are not wrong to fear. Trauma teaches us to be afraid of circumstances expecting an outcome. Those triggers will fire but not be ratified with harm. I am not like the others you have known.

What I don’t think you see is how much you are a part of me now. I know you understand I’m in love, but do you know I feel you in my blood; pumping through my heart? Do you know my every wish is to be together with you? I’d give anything to have that life with you, even amidst the ensnaring mess you find yourself entangled in. Even from this, there is escape. There is hope.

You are my person now, and I am doing everything I can to help you out of where you are. I wish to help launch you into a future you can thrive in. I see you: crinkled, I oppressed and downtrodden. Your life has you confined. Chained. I’m honest in my desire to rid you of those chains forever. One by one, they will be cast aside.

If only you’d believe me. If only I could convince you that it could be real. It’s not a fantasy if it is our reality. It’s only as far off as we allow it to be. I need you K.

I hope this message challenges your doubt for us. I hope it makes you question that fear you have that I may leave. You’ll see my devotion here, my desire for a healthy life. Not just mine either.

Find your rest and reconcile your anxiety. Tomorrow is a day where I take one more step closer to you, and us.

A Gift To Me

I haven’t been checking in as much as I have in the past. I think this is for a couple reasons: I’m profusely distracted with work things and also in love, so everything is a little brighter. I have that ambiance of tranquility around me and my days feel purposeful as a result of my ongoing interactions with K. That doesn’t mean I don’t also feel down, or exasperated at times. Sometimes I just feel worn out, like there’s no tread left on the balding tire of my available energy. These two things, one not outweighing the other, provide me with a version of reality I can thrive within at the beneficence of stability. I find myself continually making moves in my reality to improve outcomes, promote a more prosperous state of mental wellness, and develop a support structure that can carry me forward as life procures new and tragic events, at random disbursements.

I have to be mindful of my mental health as a top priority. I have done a fairly good job of being introspective in this regard. I did have days where I struggled, and felt depressed in the last few months. I had other days where I was happy or content with my situation. I saw no acute peaks and no devastating troughs and did not linger in any one state for too long. I feel remarkably balanced and expectedly fatigued from my life and schedule. I did take time for myself and I’ve, notably, had a harder time getting back plugged in to my routine since visiting K. This has been the only thing I have felt concerned about in any way. Now, the burden of work will lessen as the holidays approach.

On that front, I bought K a round-trip to CA from AL on Christmas morning. She’ll stay for a week and I deliver her to the airport on new years day. Her situation didn’t seem like it would yield the available funds to procure a ticket in enough advanced notice not to be exorbitant in cost. So, I did it. She’s never been out west anywhere before and this will be pretty mind-blowing for her. Our future together is still years apart, but this exchange of company and trips to each other’s worlds was a necessary step in forming a more permanent bond. Being a part of her reality is something I can now actively imagine as I have been a visitor to her world, for a time. Now she will get the opportunity to do the same for my reality.

I am more than willing to demonstrate my desire to invest in a future with K, and this ticket seemed like a good way to do that.  I love her, and I just want to be able to continue taking steps towards a time where we can be together like cheese and tortillas. It seemed worth the money to have her here again in my arms. Money can’t compare to the way she makes me feel: Like exploding sparkle-berries.

Well, have a good day, and I’ll check in with you more often going forward.

Going

I’m fewer than 55 hours from flying across the country to see my girlfriend for the first time. We started counting down 52 days ago, and here we are with fewer than 3 days left to go.

I can say I’m very excited. Scared a little too. I’m going far from my safety zone. However, I do know that I will be loved and appreciated where I am going. K and I have been speaking with the frequency of a married couple, and the passion of two halves separated and waiting to be rejoined. I feel a burning for her that, as I have stated, I have not felt in years. Since J.

 

Now that the certainty of our union is nigh, I feel a sense of satisfaction with my situation. Life is stable for the most part. My career is humming along nicely. My mental health is in fair standing (with the occasional blip).

I did hear Sting’s “Why Should I Cry For You” and it tore me a new/old wound. It’s amazing how much love I had for J that the echoes of my hurt still remain to this day. It scares me a little that I feel the same yearning for K. I don’t ever want to hurt like I did when J left me. K is a very different person though. We love, we perish in flames, we are reborn of the soot of our prior demise.

I will have 3 days of absolute bliss. I feel the push and pull of my dialectic, but now, the superior sensation is ecstasy. The only tingle that pervades is that of anticipation for that moment when her apartment door closes, and we are alone at last.

Upbeat

I haven’t been writing much as a coping tool lately. I guess that would be because I’m not suffering any emotional turbulence in my world that has caused me to reach for more tools. In truth, things are both up and down, but my mood remains “flat.” I don’t mean that negatively, just that there isn’t any vacillation to my states for the most part. I’m going from content to blissful at times, with the occasional bout of stress and pressure.

This all seems pretty normal to me, and does not require massive elaboration to process things that need to be dealt with,

I am in love for sure. head over heels. Topsy-turvey. It is quite a sensation, reminding me of another person I loved wildly who also lived in the deep south. This new feeling though is much more grounded, explored and vetted than any interaction I had with J. These interactions with K have proven that his is a real relationship grounded in commonalities, desire, ambition and friendship. K and I have much more to our partnership now then J and I ever had at any point in our relationship.

Having the physical barrier of being 2400 miles apart has helped cement our interest in each other for lots of other reasons that aren’t lust. Don’t get me wrong, the physical attraction is great, but it shouldn’t be the thread that ties the knot. Physical companionship should be the icing on the cake to make the thing all the more sweet. Embellishment, not essential to the existence of the partnership or love.

We have found ways to be caring and affectionate despite our distance. Every day we are in contact. We are present in each other’s lives. We are learning so much about our pasts and per paring for a future where we can be together. I’m flipping out in my brain about how many emotions and sensations she makes me feel… its like nothing I’ve felt in a very long time. I am devoted to this woman, and she to me.

So things are going pretty damn good. How can life really get me down when my heart is just overflowing with the feels. I feel like I have a friend in my world, and soon, a lover to lie beside. I’ll be there in just a few weeks, where we will finally be in each other’s arms, and in bed together at last.

Blast From The Past?

I feel both remorse and jubilation given all the things I have been through. So many tries at love, and a litany of failures to look back at. I always believe the litter of past transgressions can be removed, leaving a pristine landscape once more, but it does require energy, time, patience to clean it away. I have endeavored to do my part but it was never a thing that could be done alone.

I get the distinct feeling J is still out there, lurking. She being liberated of he need to find a resolution or a process designed to heal, I am simply followed by a vague shadow of someone I once loved devotedly. I find this regrettable. My whole trajectory in the last 6 years has been geared towards helping build bridges and healing people… yet, I can’t heal her. I can’t even talk to her anymore without having my soul ripped in half.

I know her accusations are the only thing she has left to harm me with (and she has), as they are an instrument that can affect change. I regret who I was, and I would change any number of things that happened to produce better outcomes… but the sad fact remains that fretting about my past is not going to change it in any way, ever. The only thing I have left is to try and build a better future for myself.

I don’t know how to bridge the vast chasm that now exists. From my peer support perspective, all healing begins with  open, honest conversation. All steps forward that build us up do not also suppress the feelings/emotions/traumas of the past.

In my new life that I have made, I find myself feeling proud of my accomplishments and not ashamed of who I was in an active way. What good does shame do me? I can’t walk forward with it on my back. I can only hope to reconcile the a source for myself since I am unable to control anyone else’s perceptions. My door has always been open, and remains so to any relic of the past who desires to move beyond what was done, into what can be. Shame is not the answer, systemic change is the only remedy.

Maybe because I am feeling these same feelings I had for J that this is coming back. It seems to be a very odd coincidence… I’ll keep you posted if it turns out to be just a Hunter-Seeker.

 

 

 

Days

I haven’t been here in a bit since things are going very well. I have found real love again; the giddy and fluttery variety. It’s been 7 years since I felt this way, and I haven’t even touched her yet.

I just need to continue to stay focused on my life and my responsibilities, which I am doing a good job at.

So much good is happening beside the stagnation of tragedy. It’s difficult to comprehend sometimes.

Long-Distance

I’m going to give this a try having done an LDR once before with the wrong person. In this new arrangement, there’s plenty to be happy about, and no frantic rush to implement. This scenario is FORCED to start off with knowing, friendship and the accumulation of trust before lives come together. It’s perfect for me!

But having someone to talk to every day who is keeping track of my life… that has invaluable worth. If nothing else, I feel significantly less alone than I did a few days ago. It was nice having “A” but “K” is a much better fit for my life and personality. We are common in our desire to achieve, strive and excel. What an inspiration! I think I made “A” into more than she was, but that veil didn’t shroud the truth of her motivations indefinitely. K is flamboyantly, attractively assertive and in-control of her own outcomes in a way I find irresistable.

So here’s to 2,400 mile friendships and the possibility of something more years down the road.

Vault

I should think about making friends who can keep track of my life rather than pining for intimate companions. That’s why I think proximity is an issue. I’d like to be friends with someone far away, like W, who can look in but not be close enough to be a temptation for something more.

I get lost thinking every friend girl has to be a girlfriend. Now is the time for innocuous friendship and not heated relationships. I’m taking that and applying it to A, K, or anyone else I talk to (though, A is still a short drive away and I’m kinda still mad at her). I don’t want to vault over the best parts of getting to know someone because I’m looking for the endgame.

With any luck, K turns out to be a thoughtful and caring friend with a 2,400 mile cushion.

Today

I guess I’m feeling better today. I have been distracted which is good. I spend time venting out here when I am not doing well, hence the polarized expressions and antic disposition. I just need to focus on being me for now, and not worry about companionship.

I am not forcing the issue and will let things happen in a natural way (if at all). I recognize that I’m not the easiest person to love, but I do think it’s out there somewhere.

Farewell

My dating account will go unused in lieu of how terrible I feel about it all. What am I doing? I need some time to myself. This grasping for companionship is stupid and wrong. I still hurt in my heart and I’m already moving to the next distraction. Shame.

Instead I’m going to not be a dick. I’m in no shape to be in a partnership. I have too much life right now. My situation does not lend itself to a liberty of choice. I’m not focused on the right things.

I have better things I could be doing. There’s still a lot of shit I need to be responsible for. I have a reality to occupy my attention indefinitely. I’m all done.

Before The Group…

I’m sitting here getting ready for my support group. I will admit I’m having some symptoms: anxiety is spiking, depressed thoughts are chewing away at me, and a general sense of dread hangs overhead.

I long for that daily conversation I used to have with A. Now there is a silence that my wheels spin frantically in. I was engaged, and now, no one really cares what happens in my world.

I’ve started talking to other women. There are a few that have responded to my replies. I’m kinda rebounding hard, but this is what happened last time. I had a falling out only to be picked back up again almost immediately. I’m that circumstance back in June, I should have been more conservative. A and I were in bed together on our second date. I don’t want anything like that now. I’m still hurting.

I’d really enjoy talking to someone again. Having a chat buddy to catch up with on the day’s events. Someone who wants to see inside me. It’s so intoxicating to be cared about. I wish I could share my perspective with someone who admired me.

My group will go great tonight. I’ve got a lot I bring as facilitator and person living with mental illness. However, I just want tonight to be done. I’m feeling like I need to close my eyes and shut out the world for a while. I am alone here and feeling like I’m nailed to the shore as the tide comes in.

Expression

I’ve done some creative writing to sort through my feelings and thoughts about the breakup with A. I don’t summarize events, I only extrapolate and expound on my perceptions and emotions. I do feel better having done that. Creative expression is my new and most favorite coping tool for hard times.

On the flip side of things, there is (again) quite a bit of interest on the Positive Singles site. I have two conversations started and who knows where they will lead. I’m open to all possibilities and at least for now, both would be long-distance.

I’m still firmly grounded here in CA, but there’s a chance that if something works out, we could still find ways to be together that don’t require me to move out of state. I think it’s regretful that A didn’t even want to discuss this option, and seemed much more interested in finding someone who she could date nearby rather than work on what she and I had.

Frustrating.

Nevertheless, I’m moving on to someone who is a better fit for who I am. Maybe this will happen on PS but probably not. I’m still thinking I want to meet someone through work.

But what a confidence boost to be on the market for 1 day and draw interest immediately? Boss.

Hurt And Scraping

I guess my reconciliatory tone towards A is founded in the still-fresh ache of separation. I do still have feelings; I’m not a robot that can just shut them off.

I do think our break is for the best. You have to be in the right state of mind to be in a relationship. There were things she and I never really connected on. I had defects and so did she. The more distance I get from the break the more clearly I see things. Plus, I’m hurt by her sneaky actions activating her profile and looking for guys while we were still dating.

This probably means I’m going into silent running for the near future. I visited PS and responded to some messages, but once my premium status expires I’m not going back.

I just don’t think I’m going to find the right person on that or any dating site. I need to meet someone through one of my activities in the world. Whether at outreach or through some professional capacity, I’m hoping to align myself with like-minded individuals who share an interest in good mental health.

I had someone like that, but I scared her away and now C is long gone or entrenched in dislike. I wish it wasn’t so.

I’ll keep my doors open but I’m not seeking. I would like to make some close friends in my profession that become more. Hopefully, this process takes the time it needs to be a worthwhile investment.

Distance

Things I feel:

Hurt, alone, remorseful, unappreciated, unloved, lost, curious, frustrated and sad. 

Things I am resolved to feel:

Confident, stable, convicted, open-minded, reflective, attentive, perplexed, adaptive and proud.

Things I’d like to feel:

Trusted, loved, admired, respected, tolerated, engaged, humored, bantered-with and assured.

Real things that are also felt:

Abandoned, mismatched, unaligned, disconnected, regretful, passionate, unacknowledged, disregarded and done. 

Ownerless Album

I was feeling very confident in my affection for my girlfriend earlier today, until she made it clear we were not on the same page and became my ex. I worked for a bit on compiling this sequence of songs to (ironically) brush over the feelings of despair associated with losing love, only to find it again later in the playlist.

Mournful, yes, was the appropriate tone-setter but not the end of the story. I still feel hopeful for my cause; my desire to be loved and to give love fully. My life is still moving forward. Sharing that with “A” was what I wanted to do, but I never really believed it or committed myself fully. I discussed the possibility of going my separate way many times in therapy but now to have it play out in reality is a whole different experience. I do miss what we had while it was good, and wonder about how it went astray.

I tried to be honest with my feeling in this playlist and effusive/voluminous would be good ways to describe my enduring affection. Breaks don’t just end feelings… they hang on in a painful remembrance which makes the acuteness of my album’s emotional story ring all the more true now that I sit here listening to it again. It aches where she is missing, but I know that won’t last forever.

I have no bridges to cross out of independence to companionship… and maybe it will be that way for a while.

 

 

 

Beer Bottles & Huggy Times

Length: 74 minutes

  1. Play The Game – Queen
  2. If I Can’t Have You – Yvonne Elliman
  3. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
  4. Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down) – Tears For Fears
  5. Just A Song Before I Go – Crosby, Stills & Nash
  6. Spiderwebs – No Doubt
  7. Radio/Video – System Of A Down
  8. Drunk Sincerity – Bad Religion
  9. Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
  10. Let’s Go – The Cars
  11. Diamond Girl – Seals & Crofts
  12. Saturday In The Park – Chicago
  13. Don’t Get Me Wrong – The Pretenders
  14. Escapade – Janet Jackson
  15. Just One Look – Linda Ronstadt
  16. Baby I’m-A Want You – Bread
  17. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  18. I Want You So Bad – Heart
  19. The One – Elton John

The Break

So A and I are abruptly, suddenly over. The clues I received to her fading interest have led to her reactivation of her dating profile while we were still together. She’s now out of my life and maybe for good.

In truth, I didn’t see this as a big surprise. I do feel over-extended from expressing my affection to her and having that go unrequited. I have a lot of words, music and love to give and I hate it when its not appreciated.

Now, I’m twisting in the wind with my feelings snapping this way and that. I did and do still want companionship, but it seems I create bodies wherever I go and torch the gardens. I don’t have any regrets… I did my part to be a caring partner in all the ways I knew how. I tried to love someone who was not capable of reciprocating the way I needed her to.

Now comes he push back to relevance and strength. I have been able to withstand many such calamities and will continue to do so through this trial. I hurt, and I am sad… but I will transition on to an active state where I set goals and meet them.

Feelings

I have a lot of explaining I want to do. Let me gush. Pour out my intentions and hope that somehow it’s all understood. Security is so precious in such insecure times. The ebb and flow can just as easily rip apart what it had just brought together. I often find myself perplexed by outcomes.

I’m always trying to adapt better to my circumstance. My carnal inclinations nonwithstanding, I try to approach things rationally. What presents the best odds for success? What scenario preserves mental health most effectively? I guess wrong a lot, but right too sometimes. My current plateau of success is due in large part to that, but is still picked by failure.

My world is not without turbulence. Disruptions are frequent, and I must evolve or perish.

Right now, all the pieces are swirling about. Like dispersed seeds. Where is down? How is stop?

I get close but still, there is only the guess of ground for which to build my empire. I’ve lost many units and now is not the time to stop.

Mope

I’m trying not to dwell on my discord and instead focusing my angst on creative projects. I’m dissatisfied with the outcomes in some areas of my life, but very pleased in others.

Professionally, I’m moving forward towards sustainability. I just saw my potential cap on hours increase by a bunch and that means a future of independence is closer than it was before. I know I ave a long way to go, and that circumstances outside of my finances currently dictate my residential status. This is not a point of frustration, it is simply a matter of fact.

I can “make believe” with all sorts of people. Whether family or acquaintances, it matters not. I provide a window of visible me to see through, and little else is revealed. I do this with just about everyone now that I think about it. I hate having to do it when I didn’t originally think I would… this realization of limited capacity is often a frustrating experience.

A and I though are doing good. We are talking extensively, every day. There is mutual interest, plus, she thinks I’m fucking hilarious (which I am). I make good with the funny several times a day. I care deeply about this girl and want to work on building something with her together, in an environment where we can both mutually thrive. She does think I’m strange, but I also have no filter with her so she gets the full treatment.

Now though… she’s out of reach until early next month. In the meantime, I need other people to torment but I find myself increasingly alone in my workplace and there is not usually anyone to pester, torment or even just talk to nicely. I had all these dreams of how things were going to go, and they have been dashed to some degree by the reality I live in. Fantasies is more the term I’m looking for.

I have been working on revising and improving my short stories for the Realm website. I published one of them but still giving the others a look-through. I find that the more often I walk away, then come back fresh, the better my outcomes are for finding redundancies, typos, punctuation issues and phrases/descriptors that need to be modified. This is how my symptoms are being addressed primarily, and I do feel glad to be back on this path.

As soon as I get home, it’s back to writing land.

The MCU Short List

So phase 1-3 is 23 films… perhaps an excessive amount of content to expect everyone to absorb prior to the release of new phase 4 content. While the extensive knowledge base helps to fully process all the threads that entwine to form multi-film story-arcs, it’s not necessarily required to enjoy the final two films in the Infinity storyline. I submit that:

A) Anyone watching a marvel fim likely knows who The Incredible Hulk is.
B) That a ~2/3 list would be about all a new person would likely enjoy without becoming overwhelmed.

I submit this list, which I believe is a short-list of must watch movies that fill in enough of the story out to fully enjoy the conclusion films.

  1. Iron Man
  2. Thor
  3. Captain America: The First Avenger
  4. Marvel’s The Avengers
  5. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  6. Avengers: Age of Ultron
  7. Guardians of the Galaxy
  8. Ant Man
  9. Captain America: Civil War
  10. Doctor Strange
  11. Black Panther
  12. Thor: Ragnarok
  13. Ant Man and the Wasp
  14. Captain Marvel
  15. Avengers: Infinity War
  16. Avengers: Endgame

This list deprives the viewer of some pretty good moments, but the core of the narrative survives and advances coherently enough to arrive at Infinity War with enough understanding of the references. These films do have the benefit and deficit of having such extensive history in their past films. They raise the plateau to a place where it would be harder to access the fulness of the content. It’s quite the conundrum, and I am curious to see what becomes of the MCU as a result.

Goodnight.

Bloop

I’m volatile right now, I feel. I can see it in my transactions, in my expressions. I can tell I’m in a perturbed state and taking my frustrations out as cudgels. I’m divided in my angst, but enamoured in potential. Consistency has to prevail somehow, despite all this madness. I’m feeling tippy and that’s not so good. I’m responding poorly, but thankfully, I have a place to vent my thoughts. I have this sanctum to bite on as though it were my pillow. I have real feelings somewhere under here, like pain and sadness that are unresolved and won’t be. I’m trying to accept my environment, circumstance and mistakes with openness.

So yes, volatile. Feeling like I need to get back to my creative writing, which I have been trying to use as a coping tool. I can’t do much but express myself and get these words out of me. I’m glad this process is so effective at dispensing with my negative thoughts and has for more than 6 years. I’ve drenched cyberspace with my rants, outrage and idiocy unceasingly. It has been both satisfying and revolting.

Okay, off to my world to create some killer fiction.

Jerkface In Happytown

I am a jerk to some people, a star to others. I’ts amazing how perceptions vary while my demeanor pretty much remains the same. I’m done pining for C’s friendship… I have reached the end of my interest in that area. Sometimes things don’t heal… they just rot in plain sight covered over by a veil of lies and dishonesty. Lack of introspective ability leaves no solutions in sight. Farewell. If you’re fine living in this make-believe world, I am too.

Other than that disappointing outcome, I’m doing fine. I was singing today. Really feeling in love with my partner A. I was crawling all over her yesterday when she came to visit before her long trip to Tennessee. I got all my rub and sniff quotas met prior to her departure, and insisted she roll around in my sheets and get the girl smell happening in there. I should be fine until she gets back, and we talk daily anyway so that really helps us stay connected. I am always trying to heal wounds I create, but this area is a place where a lot of positive energy is flowing out of. I have a future here with her, one that we see together. A shared interest in bringing the paths of our lives into one, where we can both entertain and support each other throughout.

There’s no perfect anything, there is only life. Good and bad, annoying and wonderful, it is what it is. I am confident that I am forging a sustainable path, but we are still pretty early on into this adventure with many miles of road left to walk.

So moral: out with the frustrating, in with the appreciation. I hope A feels my love, and knows how important it is that she be available for me to chew on, and sniff as often as I need.

Promise

I’m going to use better tools; the process has begun. Creativity, exercise, expression and ventilation are the means to achieving a better path forward. Better than escape, denial and repression.

I’m back to writing again in my fiction world. A story about legacy. Story XII I do believe will be out soon on the Kingdom site.

I dislike my predicament. I’m not sure how to rectify my circumstance given that it is largely out of my control. Whether people come or go. Live or die. Care or hate. Ignore or respond. Deny or acknowledge. Suppress or express.

I have less ambiguity but more rage. The flippancy factor of life & death should not be higher than zero! Ever!

I’m embroiled but working my way through the caustic marsh. I have healthy outlets at my disposal. I do wish I had not pushed away people that could be commiserating with me. My best buddy has been distant and I know he must be going through some shit. It’s a down time all around. I do have my “A,” who has been a shining light in an otherwise dark room. I really laugh with her. Fully. Healthily. Gutturally. There’s realness there that is holding me on a narrow path toward sanity.

I’m going to handle this whole thing with tactfully responsive ineptitude, but inevitably, I’ll emerge covered in shit but alive.

Undo Button

There’s no undo in life. There is only the pain of errors and the reminders of failure. I have many things I regret, but still try to “do right” with my future actions. I attempt to demonstrate an understanding that I have learned, grown, progressed in some measurable way from the moment of transgression. Still, the inescapable burden of guilt remains.

My vomit-hole aka this blog has served a purpose in that it allows my expression an unfiltered faucet of release. Not right, not wrong, just OUT. Get these thoughts away and let them trouble me no longer! Sadly, my noxious words aren’t cured in my consciousness, only sated for a time. There will be other opportunities to vent and pour out the bile as I wrong others or am wronged.

My real life actions do not resonate with this resentment and anger that get expressed here… rather, they are purged since they had a moment to be free, recognized and detached from the bounds of active thoughts. That’s the basic principle of this place, and the reason I keep the blog going is because it works.

None of this matters though. Regret and pain still haunt me wherever I go. I’ve hurt, fled, and left smouldering ruin in my wake time and time again. I long to vocalize, rationalize, yet turn out to be a terrible person to talk with about the sensitive issues of compatibility, love and the future (or so I judge myself to be).

I sense my current partner grows tired of my pondering the coming circumstantial end of our affiliation, yet, I can’t stop thinking about it. A looming storm that is not yet here while I procrastinate understanding for the immediacy of pleasure. Nothing to be done but watch is it approaches, much like my dad’s death being somewhere on the near horizon.

I’m imploding a little today and not feeling very keen on the prospects of the future. Friends alienated, tiring of the working environment, shared doom of the collapse of the current arrangement where love is transacted. It’s a tough time. Plus, my olive branch to C was ignored and that just reinforces that I’m a fucking idiot.

Eek

After scratching my way to last-day-of-live-scoring day victory last week against Bangle-Doof, I’m being out-sprinted by trusty FaceWaster V (His hand-picked pitching staff now maturing to fruition). Only to have his J.Hader lose twice and likely blow a save before the week is out! Do the gods smile on me by smiting my foes? I tend to think the almighty has nothing better to do that ponder FMLB rosters with me, and help me take revenge on my lesser, alternate selves.

I’ve made bood moves across rosters: I gave them all some of the best performers of the year, amd chose them in a waiver order from lowest standing to highest. It is s model I’ve used in FF leagues. Notice how my roster has been full of duds? FaceWaster is a notoriously tough pitching opponent, but recent injury and turnover may be a weakness: Sure, J. Verlander gave Wastey a great start, but Z. Greinke ate shit (with no L) and L. Lynn has yet to play… and the aforementioned Hader is not even worth 1 whole point (.8) as of three appearances. I like my odds with M. Clevenger still in my pocket and G. Cole putting up a start tonight. Both he and Verlander tango with the league lead in strikeouts. It could be another down to the wire finish.

So far my offensive strategy I gambled on last week got me pretty frustrated and I cut loose my Rockies left infield (N. Arenado to WAIVERS) and shuffled some players around. One of my original draft picks came back to the starting lineup in A. Benantendi. So far that has been good, with one limited exception in José Ramírez’s unamusing 5K start to the week. Sigh he’s got +4 fantasy points before he’s back at fucking: ZERO. WTH dude? See how I didn’t abbreviate your name…? I’ve called out your full name like mom used to in order to inform you that YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER! Shape it up or you’re just so grounded!

It’s a close game as of this moment on Friday evening. Let’s see if after two starters tonight I can close that gap… More numbers coming in the rest of the week, and I’m looking forward to all of it!

 

Nuevo

I have a new idea when it comes to FMLB: stick with a roster and don’t fucking tweak it. There is no picking the “hot hand” in the weekly format… just stabs at failure.

I’m stacking the roster with free agent and injury list discards. No benches rule in effect for weeks, so lots of potential good players were up for grabs. This is my current roster, obviously hoping for some guys to bloom late:

J.T Realmuto C
Freddie Freeman 1B
Jose Altuve 2B
Nolan Arenado 3B
Trevor Story SS
Cody Bellinger OF1
George Springer OF2
Aaron Judge OF3
Bryce Harper OF4
Francisco Lindor U1
Rafael Devers U2
Gerrit Cole SP1
Max Scherzer SP2
Walker Buehler SP3
Kirby Yates RP1
Aroldis Chapman RP2

Red are my original surviving draft picks. A lot of these were drafted, went to waivers, then came back. I’m willing to bet that these guys produce in good quantity but I have no true confidence at this point. I’m 9-6 and struggling to stay relevant headed towards the postseason. Pitching has all but devastated me, and some of my draft picks have been downright pathetic. This season has been a learning experience.

Now I just need to hold the line until the playoffs. Making it is not up for debate, but success is far from certain. There are HUGE differences in this format vs the NFL. in the NFL you have 1 game a week. Picking the hot hand is crucial. In MLB, the hot hand is far more mercurial and ellusive. Not as much fun to pick a guy who goes cold for 7 straight games…

So I’ll no doubt be either griping or rejoicing at my new conceptualization of how to do FMLB.

Greatz

By girlfriend and I have been doing really well; great in fact. I laugh with her (uproariously), and we are communicating very effectively in all area. I’ve had my share of symptoms and so has she yet we keep working through and finding constructive ways to share. That’s what relationships are all about.

Since the med change my mood has been better and more stable. I wake up a bit more groggy but not dealing with the chronic depression symptoms. No psychotic symptoms/precursors. Things in the neurochemical department are stabilizing.

I know I’m not doing so great in the physical domain. My body feels poopy. I’m feeding it bad food consistently. I’m not getting as much exercise. Being conscious of this is half my struggle, and I’ll take the next step by avoiding the temptations of the world around me. Well, at least lower the frequency at which I partake. Small steps.

I am feeling strong in my profession and in my will to continue with my career path. I’m doing the things I need to in order to advance myself occupationally and in terms of preserving my mental health. I have ventured into new areas/opportunities and am all the more well-rounded because of it. I feel very hopeful about this trajectory I’m on, and fortunate.

What the future holds is still uncertain but I do know I’m working hard to achieve positive outcomes both professionally and personally.

I love her. I’m dedicated to building a future where my girlfriend and I can be together indefinitely. This is a happy time. I’m lucky that the circumstance has befallen me such that I’m now in this position to love, be loved and thrive.

Blap

I’m on the new meds and things are working fine so far. The antipsychotic makes me a bit drowsy in the morning still.

I’m watching Thor Ragnarok which is cute and fun. I wish I had an MCU person to share my enthusiasm with.

Baseball tonight but I’m losing vs Derpy again. Fuck.

I’m thinking about C with sorrow and regret but A with optimism and hope. I wonder what the future stress will hold for me, but I don’t have any idea what is going to happen. Is partnership going to rip me apart or hold me together? Why do I have these dreams where C is haunting me?

I think about both women but in vastly different ways. Permanence vs chaos.

I need a game to play tonight to tune me out of this conflict. This world on fire. Time to burn a village to the ground!

There’s so much I need to learn, and I’m still very much a fool.

Seeker

I haven’t given much thought to writing. I seem to be at a place in my coping where I tend to surround myself in distractions of an engaging variety, whereas this place is all about unidirectional expression. I know there is a need for this type of expressive venues, but as my symptoms grow it gets harder to manage opening up and sharing.

I have been sliding downhill slowly, which I believe is a product of circumstance and neurochemical imbalance. This decline has not been without attempts to interrupt… the most recent of which came yesterday when my psych meds were tweaked a bit. I will update the “My Fucked Up Brain and What I Feed It” page when things are set but I’m taking a different level of anti-psychotic as well as anti-depressant. I am only on morning 1 of this so news pending as far as measurable results go.

Having a partner has been a big help too. She is very joyful and loving despite having such a tough circumstance and hostile environments to live in. I have seen her bloom quite a bit since we have been dating, especially when she is in my shared living space (which is our little sanctuary).

I think about the events that led to my finding her and It’s all so coincidental yet very intentional. Just as I broke my personal ties to one woman I was fond of, my response to not be struck down by sadness, rejection and guilt led to my finding a far more suitable partner. The first circumstance was not ready, but my persistence allowed my to inherit a situation that was.

However, relationships are not a cure to symptoms; they can only enable good behaviors or deteriorate them. I find my current arrangement to be highly beneficial, but I still need to use my own coping skills to get myself right.

MH treatment is never really over, it just changes, mutates and finds a new way to inflict suffering.

Thinkypants

I got to thinking how fortunate I am. At this time in my life, I have a support person that I adore. She is a genuine fit in my life, and our differences are such that there is much to learn from each other; many things to explore. She’s already taught me so much, and dramatically improved my internet savvy.

I struggle with my feelings at times, but she inspires my strength. Critter was such a salvation at a time when most alone, contemplative and sad. I have been with my thoughts all day and having her far away aided me in realizing just how much I love her. She has a positive effect on my wellbeing and life, and I’ve seen real change since she came into frame.

I’ve been holding my logical reservations and my emotional desires in balance in my dialectical model. “Healthy” is equilibrium with introspection. I don’t feel in any way polarized, but appreciative. Here’s a woman who will put up with my nonsense; someone who improves the quality of life I once held as standard. Someone who points me towards a better future.

So I have been thinking, and feeling. I’m looking back and feeling grateful. I have such a blessing, during a very turbulent time. It’s with her help that I’ll make it through, I believe. It’s a test, and one that I’m more ready for because of her.

Insomnaburger

It may be morning for you, but already “afternoon” for me. I don’t much care for these dramatic alterations of sleep, needless to say. What mentally ill person does?

I find myself short-tempered, irritable, blurry and uncoordinated. It’s a distressing state that maybe is some form of retribution for my imbalanced life. I did imbibe this weekend, but not recklessly so (those days being behind).

I worry about my dad. Is he tumbling down the slope? Am I watching his precipitous decline and not recognizing it? How can I be so embattled and bitter when his life is slipping away? I feel like a bad son… spite pervades with each selfishly-centered transaction I am engaged in with him. It’s hard to be effectual from his standpoint, granted, but he lives in a hole of self-pleasure and hedonism. I have no respect for that, even in death. It is both disturbing and regrettable. Yet, he’s still my only dad and I’m losing time with him as each day passes. I’m stuck in a place between resentment and sadness with the voluminous thunderstorm of tragedy about to come roiling overhead.

My sex-drive has been revved up… as would be expected with the sort of symbiotic pairing I have cultivated. Does this too add to my tippy scales of mood regulation? I think fucking everything tips the scales, it just depends on how all the things coincide. There’s no escaping the affect of variables… there is only compensation, adaptation and neutralization.

So many threads hang down, dangling, reminding me of work undone and damage caused. I regret, even up to no more than a month ago, and I feel unworthy of love… and yet, I do feel it in my heart. Critter and I have been bonding in this way that feels both safe and familiar. How can such a thing be after less than a month? I can’t explain. I have no logic to justify the complexity of my emotional attachment. I am only clear that this connection is real, yet still delicate. I’m not sold on permanence until permanence is validated (which takes time). Nothing worth having is built in a few weeks… only the true accumulation of trust, consistency and knowledge will shine a light on a union built to last.

Things feel good… I know that for certain.

Today is the start of week 14 (of 26). We are more than half way through and shit is pretty tight all across the spectrum. Here’s hoping a couple of recently injured fellas are able to hop back in the saddle do rad cowboy things with some hat waving.

Yesterday’s Flapjacks

I keep finding things I regret in my scoring:

.3 per put out is way too much. This makes 1B the most valuable position player in the game

1.25 per batter DPT is too much. Nerfed.

-.6 per K for batters is not harsh enough. Strikeouts are a sin against the Baseball gods.

.75 per IP is not enough. Pitchers don’t compare with position players. Also 1 per APP is not juicy enough either.

These are just some examples. I want balance damnit! No position should be preferable. Just like in my FFL leagues; rosters are based on previewed talent assessments not scoring advantages.

But why batter defensive plays? I do believe they should be rewarded because its incremental accomplishments that plug on both aspects of position player stats. It’s boring to only care when they’re at the plate. However, I needed my numbers to still promote balance despite the events piling up for certain players. So, I diminished some and buffed others.

Batting & Fielding

Runs 0.75

Singles 1.25

Doubles 2.5

Triples 4.5

Home Runs 5

Runs Batted In 1

Stolen Bases 2

Caught Stealing -1.5

Walks 0.5

Strikeouts -1

Put Outs 0.08

Assists 0.12

Errors -3

Outfield Assists 4.25

Double Plays Turned 0.8

Pitching Scoring Categories

Pitching Appearances 2

Outs Recorded ( 1/3 IP) 1

Wins 8

Losses -5

Saves 8

Hits -0.35

Earned Runs -1

Home Runs -2

Walks -0.15

Strikeouts 1

Balks -2

Grounded Into Double Plays 1.5

Holds 4

Pickoffs 4

Blown Saves -6

Still stayed true to my beliefs and edged true offensive achievement over big piles of defensive stats. Now increments break ties and keep my scoreboard popping with green no matter who is on the field. I feel like this configuration sticks in my happy zone.

Welcome to Whammy Slammy Susan III!!

First week saw my landslide victory over hopeless Bangle-Doof. Poor bastard lost by 103. My scoring was an overall nerf compared to WSS2 scoring. I like that.

The standings are a three way tie for first with DerpyDerpDerp leading in points. I climbed up from third to second. This week I get FaceWaster V, which has been bad news for me. His pitchers come through when I’m in the reticle. We shall see if he stays lucky.

In other news, I’m doing alright. Dad has been ailing lately. I remain aloof thinking that I have no clue what to expect but aware trajedeybmay be very near. “A,” who I will henceforth refer to as Critter, and I are doing very well. It’s more than three weeks in and things are still clicking. Discovery is happening and we are enjoying our time together. She’s curious about me which I find totally intoxicating.

The sex is unbelievable. I’ve never been more in tune with anyone before. We are dialing in on our comforts, and finding the ways we fit well together. I do light her up, and feel so very appreciated for the way we are together. She does EVERYTHING Blog. Dang yo.

My dreams have been confusing and I know there is some lingering part of me that remains unreconciled post Cheyenne. I don’t know what to do with that. Maybe it’s safe to be a friend now that I’m in a sexual relationship, but maybe because of my past attraction to her that’s not a good idea. I don’t like the way it all happened, but there has only been uneasy silence when it comes to the beat and not the appetizers. I broke it and now I’m trying to super glue it back together. It’s probably a waste of time, but I never like hurting people and just walking away.

I think about the future. Critter and I are thinking about the road ahead. So many more steps to make before logic agrees with emotion. She’s an investment I’m glad to make though. She tolerates my nonsense like a pro. Keeper status earned.

Have a great week Blogomites!

Dread

I’m feeling the strain of excessive work, family dynamic disturbances and now some persistent nightmares. There are always positives and negatives in life, and with all these potential stressful things come some good things as well. “A” and I are bonding day by day, and especially under the recent calamities we’ve been forced to respond to. Though, I feel detached from effectiveness… like a distant satellite teetering on an unstable, elliptical orbit. I don’t know what to make of it… but I feel it largely has to do with my insecurities and false perceptions.

I get that things shit gets hard at times. It’s unavoidable that we are made to endure suffering and pain. Our prevailing responses are what dictates how we move forward or handle future calamities. Right?

I’m not feeling much like sharing (in depth) about myself today, however, I realize that not talking things out is the opposite of the model I so diligently preach to others. I can’t expect to do well with my own symptoms if I can’t discuss them in this public forum. I don’t want to analyze it… I just don’t like the way I feel. I’m again starting to scrape for ways to escape reality and all my alternatives prolong my misery (but have not turned back to weed or abusing alcohol).

Right when I thought I was getting on track I start to catch fire and head for impact. That’s what this feels like: Rejection, joy, dismay, confusion, trauma… all bundled together in less than a month. Even with companionship, I’m still feeling like I’m not seen, or that who I am is somehow uninteresting and unappealing. The fallout from “C” still hurts in my heart… even though I was mad and burned that interpersonal bridge myself. I feel cast off (despite being found shortly thereafter) in a way I was blindsided by. I’ve created quite a mess for myself haven’t I?

It’s not anyone fault but my own. I am full of feeling, with nowhere to uncork and be recognized. Everyone sees me through the window that I let them see me through. I’m broken and awaiting trauma on the near horizon. Foreboding clouds are amassing.

 

Splatty Susan

I’m about to “secure” a third straight defeat in my FMLB league. More than 100 point margin in this: a fantastic humiliation taking my league rank from first to third. Sigh.

Wholesale roster changes commencing. The injury bug has DECIMATED my team. No other roster has been hampered by injury. None. If anyone has a goat they wouldn’t mind letting me “borrow” so I can make an offering to Jobu please let me know. And for the record: I DID NOT STEAL JOBU’S RUM!!

Alas, a new week begins and another chance to get right. Hopefully.

In the rest of my world I went through some dad drama. He seems like he’s doing the best he can to make his slow decline unabashedly miserable for my mom. I’m not present enough to help ease the burden but I do need to earn a living. I’m torn in this capacity as son and man. I can’t propel independence without betraying my foundation. I resent my dad and his hedonistic way of living out his final days. He doesn’t care who he hurts as long as he gets to feel good all the way to the end. It’s grotesque and selfish.

In my secret life, “A” and I are thriving. I’ve troubled her with my symptoms lately and I feel bad about that, but I’m also a human so it seems unavoidable. She has her own life to sort through. Bullying ex. Distant family. She calls me by my first name.

I sympathize with our current plights but see a stable future out there somewhere, and not too far from here as well. I get scared but remind myself of the steps it took me to get where I am. Nothing worth having is achieved without struggle.

I’ve been having strange dreams that border on nightmares. I’ve also been having astoundingly good sex for the first time in many years. There’s a stability here in this dynamic that I’ve been missing. I’m glad to have it. Ow that shit in my family and beyond has hit the fan. So many variables. My antipsychotic is not cutting it at my current dose. I need to talk to my doctor again. Self care.

I’m going to bite my pillow for a while. Bye.

Bonk

I come out here to cope with things… but there aren’t any words that make things much better. Like everyone, I have stress. I worry about the future. I reflect on my moods. My word vomit carries on into the vastness.

I guess I’m wondering when calamity will come. What will happen to this stilted world I reside in? Collapse of some form seems likely. Do I have the strength to emerge from the rubble?

What am I doing? Why am I walking this path? I have failed at everything I ever reached for, and I keep reaching; as if I can ensnare my goals with just the tips of my extended fingers.

I don’t think I’m a good man. I think I fucked up too much to be “good.” I’m an indentured penitent and bound to honor by shame. I have a wake of angry people behind me and a future designed to mitigate the impact of regret.

I now stand in a place in which I see the potential to absolutely destroy it by being an idiot. Ultimately, I’m hurt and too confounding to be worth loving. My words don’t mean shit once the world is on fire.

I’m hoping for a neurochemical reset. A sleep should help that. See my deterioration in this post? It’s been pretty clear.

Having someone again does tend to remind me of just how easy it has been to fuck it up in the past. Will I ever let someone love me without destroying them first?

Calling

It shakes the balance of days,

A strained pluck of the tightest string–

Her echoing chords ring like a dawn bell.

Flipped and perplexed…

In the upside-down world,

My hands on the aching boundary–

The sound of my cleaving breath,

To clear the air of spinning dust.

Concealed by oblivious affliction,

Striking loose the gems of fortune–

Given light from under the skeptic’s soot,

Radiant and accepting… wanting for me…

Her voice came to call.

7-3

I looks like pathetic, floundering Bangle-Doof at 1-7 is going to pull off the upset. I’m dismayed.

    A. McCutchen tore his ACL on my first game day. Total column points of .25
    M. Brantley went to DH most of the time which nets no fielding stats.
    M. Osuna imploded and blew a save
    A. Chapman imploded and blew a save
    B. Snell also forgot he had arms on his first start of the week (but rebounded in the second).
    I had one pitching win in 4 starts

The margin is close to 40 as today’s final scoring window draws to a close. I see very few chances for redemption but it’s not out of the question. My win streak comes to an end most likely against crap crappy crap town USA. Booooo. BOOOOOOOO!

I will be making some thoughtful waiver moves. L. Giolito payed out nearly 40 by himself this game week which I was happy about. J. Bell was also a great pick up. I’ll be thinking long and hard about how to defeat FaceWaster V.

And Then…

After I was through venting my caustic feelings out here in cyberspace over the last few days, I took action. I said “I shouldn’t languish in sadness, I should get up and show myself that I am not resigned to this lonely state. I deserve to find someone who fits willingly and is not squished into a mold.”

Arguably, that’s not an easy feat by any stretch. I can’t control outcomes, but I can demonstrate a willingness to grow and move on. I reactivated my dating profile on my STD site and decided to let that soak. I had an email waiting for me when I resubscribed so I replied to it with interest. That’s how I met “A.”

The last two days have been unreal. Dreamlike even. The magnetism in both mental and physical realms between A and I has produced a type of genuine closeness I didn’t think was possible this early on. Our bodies agree like we’ve had months or years of practice. My safety and hers are top priorities for us both, and part of a foundation of free and honest discourse.

You know, my stark and unfiltered honesty was something that C resented (or feared) rather than appreciated, but A saw my heart and my intent through my expression and opened herself to me fully, willingly and gladly. The initial explosively is a bit scary undoubtedly, but beautiful as well. I’ve never been so blessed to be a part of something like this before, where the mutuality is so… unimaginably wonderful. Intoxicating, yes, but a little worrisome since now we don’t want to be hurt. We’ve each suffered relationship trauma but managed to still find each other with common ground to share. I can’t fully comprehend the circumstance I’m in, and I’m daunted in a lot of ways, but if this is the real thing it proposes to be, I’ll never want again.

Raise your Busch can or red solo cup to a future that I though just two days ago I was going to force someone unwilling to fit into that now someone enthusiastic wants to. What a miraculous turn of events and I couldn’t be more excited! To a future with A!

Nightmares

I had a restless night thinking about her. I see a couple of things clearly:

She’s a fool if she didn’t see this coming. I was clear, all along the way, that I wanted something more. Yet, this got treated like a big surprise.

I behaved poorly as the result of rejection. Which has destroyed any type of friendship we may have cultivated.

I’m resentful but not going to act on any of my slighted feelings. It’s better to cast away those responses just like my affection.

Obliviousness is no excuse. I felt like I was the only one who made mistakes when I wasn’t. I never got an apology for being led on. I just got denial that it had taken place or a reinterpretation of what actually happened.

I’m pretty resolved in my disdain. I know I hurt her but there’s no going back. My past was used against me in an evidentiary argument. I felt especially angered by that. It caused me to be wrathful in the end. I abolished all bonds to allow myself to dislike her.

Nothing I hate more than having my honesty used against me as though my here and then are the same. How unbelievably insulting. You really don’t know me but you sure do know how to piss me off.

My nightmares were about escaping a circumstance where there was trauma. I traumatized myself quite a bit, pining for someone not interested in me. Mashing my face against the wall. My confidence and perceptions were wrong every step of the way, but why do you think that was the case? Is it because I’m a big dumb idiot?

Am I such an ignoramus that I just made up all the encouragement to feel what I had inside me? I’m so delusional I made it all up? One thing I didn’t have was patience, because I thought there was mutuality. Why are we patient if we both want this, I thought? Because she was happy enjoying my feelings but not interested in reciprocating. I feel duped, then cast away when things got hard. Argued with instead of sympathized. I extended her that courtesy but still advocated for my own feelings and beliefs.

Here I am ranting again. Maybe after the weekend I’ll be calmer. Good riddance though. I’m glad I didn’t invest more than I did. You’re a liar and not self honest. You’d rather I be blamed so your way out is easier. My heart is broken but that doesn’t matter to you. You just wanted to tell me why I was wrong. Now you can see why I’m not interested in being your friend.

My life is pointed up and I’m moving on. I do feel more like things are settling back to a familiar normalcy. Now that I don’t have you to think about (in the sane way), I can direct my efforts to helping people who will reciprocate my kindness. Maybe there is a girl out there for me who won’t flight my affection and taunt me with my honest revelations. Someone who will see me for who I am and not who I was.

She never saw me. Not who I was becoming. Not the life I was leading. Not my pride and conviction. I don’t know what she saw but it is pointless to wonder. I’m done.

Burned

The truth is, you’ll do better without me. All my unrequited affection only drove you away. The insistence you have in limiting your potential is silly, but it’s your choice. You don’t yet know that you have power but you do.

There is no more us. You are a thing I couldn’t have and now I’m repulsed by. How things have gone from once so sweet to bitter and rotten. An unexplored potential now never to be. I don’t want you. Not anymore. Not ever.

I’m angry as you can see. I’m not a petty asshole who punishes with power. I’ll always forward your career potential even if I don’t want to invest in a friendship. I doubt I’ll ever see you again though. I’ve done a pretty good job of traumatizing you into isolation. Look at how opposite of the thing I wanted to do happened! Isn’t it amazing? I broke the one person I really felt in harmony with. I ruined her chances at friendship with me and her fear of me will keep her away from my organization from now on. She’s been destroyed by my uncontrolled desire to know. She’s drowned in my bile. Goodbye C. You didn’t deserve what I gave you, but you don’t deserve me either.

Now that you’re gone, I have a chance at clarity. Now that I don’t have to care about you any more, I can proceed with an unbiased perspective. You’ll never see me the sane way, and always revile my behavior. My unwanted attraction. My flamboyance. My effusive expressions. I have hurt you and I know it. I accept it. I own it. I did it so you would go away now that you don’t want me. I banished our friendship because I could not do what I wanted. Is that petty and cruel? FUCK YES IT IS! But it still happened. It’s still my response. It is still the reason why I’ll never see you again.

And you know, maybe this is a lesson for me. Maybe traumatizing people and breaking friendships I can’t explore more deeply is a thing I’ll get better at as time goes on. Think of all the innocent people I’ll destroy and leave stunned in the dark. Oh the future is full of pain Blog. Full of pain that I inflict. Why? Because I can’t have anyone. Because no one wants me. Because no one really means what they say. Because even the way people act is a lie that hides a limitation. She lied. She and do many others. She lied to make it easier on herself to say goodbye. Now I am too.

You did lead me on. You don’t admit your part in this but you had one. You wanted me to play into this situation but didn’t want it to perturb your fragile balance. Your reinterpretation of our sharing stinks of revisionist history. You couldn’t decide what you were comfortable with and now we’re both burned up.

C, you’re a great person who doesn’t have much figured out yet. You had no chemistry for me. You disregarded my affection. You settled for the mediocre to preserve your morality. I hope you enjoy the lot you’ve prescribed yourself. I’ve failed enough times to know you take what you want and get stronger. Truth is, you never really wanted me even though I tried to make you. You should have just said “never.” Then at least I could have stopped caring a long time ago.

I hope you cry. I hope it hurts. I’m roiling. I’m furious at you. I’ll never go back to being your friend. This is the finality I always sought, just the opposite result. I’m bitter. I’m fuming, but not going to take one single action. You won’t come back anyway, I’m sure you’ll never work for me again. Why would you? I’m a fucking prick.

Idiot

Yes, that is the truth of it. I end up ruining more of what I touch than improving it. This situation of ours is no different. I have dashed the glass against the stones, and all that remains are glittering fragments of a once whole thing.

Truth is that I’ve wounded myself because of my inability to regulate my feelings. This is a talent I’m afraid I’ve never learned. I often effuse, and that is received and draws those to me who are enveloped by it. Such a feeling to be cared for so powerfully, honestly and sometimes overwhelmingly. It comes from a deep and unchecked place of loving that I know not how to cap. I have found this to be advantageous in most every circumstance but this one.

Now that has caused me pain and catalyzed my forsaking of the rarest of the rare. I took the bridge away and left her to drown. I left her no way to cross again.

I still have anger, because I acted on something that seemingly wasn’t true… and conducted myself in a way I may not have if not for that invitation or inclination to do so. Did she want me too in the first place? It looks more and more like I just got it wrong and my volatility has created this new and painful rift that I fear will not be mended. My enterprise of selfishness has deprived my life and profession of a highly-valuable individual. I’m ashamed of that. Deeply regretful of my actions, and now suffering the consequences.

What can I do? I can try to lay the first stone back in the right direction but even that seems like it is fundamentally unwanted. I know nothing. I have no insight… only a cloud that conceals her internal discourse. I inflict pain without knowing why, or without the education to respond effectively.

Here I am after that last post saying I wasn’t going to pine… but blog how can I not? I’ve said it time and time again, I’ve never seen anyone like her. It drives me crazy how much I want her and the infuriation of not being able to have her is tearing me apart from the inside. I feel pain, deep and mournful within my chest… knowing she’s very likely gone. What have I done? She was one of a kind and now she’s gone.

I lost her… even the echo of her. All the beauty I came to appreciate I ripped out because I couldn’t have it all. How unimaginably selfish of me. Who the fuck do I think I am?

I did this to myself and she is the victim of my inability to be an effective human. My ineptitude at regulating my catastrophic tsunami of feelings. I am a fool, and yes, definitely and idiot.

Now I have nothing but the memory of how good I felt with her. A reminder of the infantile responses to things I have which cost me a chance at a better life.

End

It came to an end today. I laid myself bare to her and was rejected. It’s hard to stay a good friend after being turned down like that. I’m back to just having that professional, impersonal relationship that an employer has with an employee. No doubt I’d like to retain her talent, even if she doesn’t think much of who I am.

Really this is no surprise. I wouldn’t have walked down this way if she hadn’t told me there was attraction to me. I was thinking this would be a good thing to explore, but when I did, she ran. Now I have feelings that aren’t shared. Unacknowledged and unwanted. I feel a tad crushed by that. Misled to some extent, though later she was clear about not wanting to lead me on.

I feel a little better knowing that now its really over. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to be reminded of what I thought I could have that now I absolutely can’t. Never one word was said to me after that first afternoon we shared together where she told me she was attracted. Not one word to give me hope that we could explore each other. I have been turned away by her silence.

Goodbye C. This is probably the last post where I’ll pine for you and bemoan my unrequited affection. Everyone is entitled to their own choices and you made yours.

I just have to move forward.

Squeezed

I’m very glad I have this online domain where I can come and vent out the radical things I feel or think. I have been using this tool for 7 years and it has never been anything other than the place I go to scream or cheer where no one has to hear me. Venting on real people is a kind of abuse (here, let me vomit on you then you clean it up).

I woke up this morning feeling great! It really did help to expunge a lot of my angst and sadness last night over knowing C was not interested in the immediacy of my emotions. Then again, why should she? Our lives are locked-in at this moment, but I’m no fool, and would never abandon my interest in her as a peer and friend over this disconnect in affection. I did want there to be more, but there’s not, and that’s the finality that I often lack in other endeavors. I was hurt last night because my feelings had to go away, but that’s exactly why I vomit on you, internet Blogomites.

The truth of things is still the same in that my trajectory forward is one I look forward to, and am fully invested in. I feel, this morning, very much alive and aware that great things are headed my way (of my own creation). Look at all the shit there is to be excited about blog! So many more positive things than negative… and I have this feeling in my chest like I’m doing the right thing by my life. I know I’m helping and making a difference. Sometimes all the pieces I hope for don’t fall into place, but that doesn’t mean anything to the greater sum of prospects and goals.

I do feel a lot better this morning. Focused. Confident.

I am thinking of making an album that doesn’t have an external focus, but finding the time to just sit and listen to music seems unlikely this week. Pride is coming up this weekend and that is starting to look like I’m going to hit back-to-back 12 hour days. I’m going to do some self-care today and take care of some stuff in my domain and go into work a bit later. Overall, I’m rebounding from my conversation with C last night. Humbled? Fuck no. Infatuated? Not anymore. Despondent? No sir; there was nothing that was lost in truth, only more things to be gained in the future.

Have a day, hopefully a good one.

After

Torpor of ambition,

An atrophy–

The flame of dead sinews,

Fume up the haze of bile.

When does it end?

The outer void of boiling death,

Frozen and gas-ripped flesh–

Breathless words silent,

Glass shattered through the black.

Tired of wanting–

A gasp in a choking cloud,

Flesh melting away while it burns,

Rendered to nothing but ash.

Mirror

I am this person who strives to improve. I hope that I can better myself and keep things stable in my life. Despite the environmental variables, I think I have accomplished that.

Yet I grapple with loneliness. Like any other man, I have the desires. I have instinct that seek to bind with trusted partners. Having never met a man who can make me feel the way I hope, I often find myself looking to women.

This is an imbedded behavior that I am trying to overcome. I must realize that there is nothing. There is no one. There is just me. I have to stop thinking I’m going to be somewhere other than on the path I built for myself with my mistakes and choices. It’s kinda depressing, but it also has enabled me to stronger than I’ve ever been in my life.

I see it. The way forward is full of brightness and events. New people will be crossing my path every day. Places and circumstances I never thought possible will be realized. So much has changed in the last year and there’s still quite a bit of work left to do.

I’m proud. My future is as bright as it’s ever been, yet it attracts no one. A level of closeness I’ve never had seems to be a level I’ll still not comprehend. With all the good, and all the steps, I’m sure I must reconcile to walk them alone with no one to share in my adventure.

Circumstance and undesirability kept C away despite the clarity of my feelings. Maybe that is what ultimately causes her to realize she didn’t want it. I’m too much. Too big. Too overflowing. But mostly because no one notices me. No one tries to see me. No one will, I think. Like a well shaken champagne bottle of neglected emotions.

I feel sad that this door is closed.

Yet, I have a life full of good people and adventure. There’s a great sum of work to be done and I’m hoping to get out there and do it. With no one to share it with. With no one who understands me. Just me.

I said have a good night, but what I meant was goodbye.

The Jar

It all goes back in and the stopper on top. The finality of it is reassuring but the future seems emptier than before. A cringe and a retreat is my response. No regret but no more future either.

It helps to not have to hope; reality seems more achievable now. My effusions dispersed and evaporated away. The baggage of wanting removed and only the lasting bond of friendship remains. C and I seem like we won’t be, ever, and even though that is sad, it also helps. No I don’t have to dream anymore. I don’t have to yearn in an unrequited spiral. Now I can continue living my life the way I have been, erring a future built on good mental health.

Done. Back to the routine without the beacon to fill the world with light. Much as I always knew it would be. Much as I deserve. So on we go…

Frugsnated

I have all these feelings Blog. I get excited, involved, intrigued… and more often than not I do so but for the wrong reasons. FOR ONCE, this is the right reason, time, person to be enthused about. C is miraculous, and still growing into the person she is headed towards being. I want to jump on the bandwagon, shower her with affection and help guide her safely to be the anything she desires to be. Yet, I’m still a fucking idiot trying to make a tough/impossible circumstance something other than it is. I’m still hoping against hope she and I will find each other despite the paradigm of pain we reside within. I mean… I know I’m a good fit for her as she is for me, and we’d do right by each other in the long run… but… how?

I want to invest in her but I can’t have her… I have to bottle what I feel for fear of forcing her into an uncomfortable choice. I have to say I’m not wanting her when I am… Its a dynamic I need to ether be relieved of or acknowledged for and neither is happening. I can accept both realities, but without certainty, I’m twisting in the wind and screaming in the miasma of the unknown.

The chance to explore this world is held from me. The opportunity to go further is restricted. The future remains totally unclear, even in terms of the trajectory I had hoped to at least foresee. Now, I have nothing but the aching silence of wordless agony where I begin to compartmentalize my feelings for the sake of not having to be reminded of what will not be.

This is all on me though. It’s her life and her choice what she does with it. I might as well be an asteroid in distant, fragile orbit. I see such hope… a pairing unlike any I had even imagined. A future where I could be with someone who nourishes me, and I her. A path we walk together that makes us stronger, not casts us in our own distinct and isolatory directions. I’ve had my heart broken so many times, but I feel like she would not. She is different… aware and centered in a world of looking out for her mental health as the top priority. What an influence I could be on her as she already is for me. Such promise, yet, unachievable… remote and in a future that is not happening and is not being realized.

Do I want her to chose me? Fuck yes I do! Will she? I don’t know and I have more doubts than assurances.

We only live one time. We only have this chance. I’ve wasted so much of mine… and I continue to scratch for meaning in the void of unrequited recognition. I’ll let her pass right through me fingers if that’s what she wants… and I’ll keep my eyes open into the future where my window of opportunity closes a little more every single day.

Beans

I have repulsively positive things to say. A big sloppy sandwich of recognition, fun and laughter. Run the fuck away while you still have legs!! Aaaahhh!

So standing in the world means not being on the ground (as much). Sometimes I sniff the dirt to remind myself that dirt and poop both end up on the bottom of my shoes.

You know what’s great? Finding people who will make crop circles with you.

Can you believe C made this for me? Sweet monkey Jeebus!! I never though green boils could be so enticing. As per my usual, I adorn all my business casual outfits with the skulls of animals I’ve eaten recently. Look at the detail!! All the tiny little crevices. You know, crevices is a terrible word.

Have a good night!

Mudge

Things could not be better on the work front!! I was ” promoted” to coordinator of a fantastic program (P2P) and a bump in hours, plus I’m rekindling my efforts on doing some grant writing.

The vision of peer support / case management that I had I’m my mind when I moved here is finally (possibly) coming to fruition. To see the groundwork being laid for a wholly transformative venture is really inspiring. Ultimately, it’s on me to start recruitment and garner the funds we need to execute this plan. I do recognize that there’s a lot of work to do in this area, but very achievable I believe. I’m going to keep getting after it until I have it. I’m determined to succeed and replicate the success of the model that launched my recovery. We have the allies and the platform to be successful, and we absolutely will be.

Slammy Jammy was victorious this week, crushing Derpy into the concrete by 130 points. REVENGE!! This too was gratifying. Boom boom quesadilla.

I’ve got a lot of positives lined up. Good friends, a blooming career, and an upward trajectory which has me poised for advancement beyond anything I have known. This past year has been both joyous and tragic, but always teaching me something.

I’m taking a step back from myself and my haste. All these life changes are inching up from out of the soil; unpacking their aching leaves in search of the sun. I have no expectation of what my future has in store, but one thing I’m sure of is that I’m going somewhere. I built this reality with goal upon goal, and I’ll continue to do so independently for as long as I can. I see no ceiling; I see only sky. However, I imagine that I must be committed to holding myself up alone in order to stay internally strong.

I’m glad to have such cool friends to share this with. I am fortunate in that regard. I know now more than ever what I am (and what I cannot be). I also can relate to their being trauma for me in the future… and pain. I’m building up my circle to help me survive the coming storm, but my greatest strength is who I am right now. I’m so proud of that.

Three words:

Empowered

Reflective

Committed

Bound In Whispers

It was the stark tension of ropes,

Screaming distress with thin threads–

Unbound, twisted madly, perilously.

As the gasps shorten–

The incessant gravity,

Holds as it only knows how.

What then if not free?

Do trees tell stories of their youth for the rocks to hear?

Does the pounding sea beg forgiveness of the shore?

I long to exude the song within–

Without taking something away.

Whispering one word at a time,

Where no expanse can prevail–

And no tide can soften into meaningless grains.

It is in the hiss of leaves,

The breaking of day,

That I know.

Adventure Day 3: Blitz to Home

It’s my final day here at the conference, and I’m gearing up for one final push towards finality. I remember this cloudy, warm coastal weather from back when I was in San Diego. It reminds me of home.

Today I’ve got two workshops on the docket and I’ll be checking out of my room once I finish my coffee. The resort has been beautiful if not occasionally confounding in its smelliness. There’s a specific area which has a combination of fresh and bizarre all mingled together. The sniff lobby I have so christened it.

I have been thankful for these experiences even if I haven’t been able to catch up with my peeps from NAMI SD. maybe they didn’t come?

I’ll be flying home tonight, landing around 9. I can promise I’ll be thoroughly exhausted by then, and ready for a sleep in my familiar space. I’ve also felt good not smoking any weed for the past 48 hours. I think I’ll probably take a break from that when I get back. This seems like a possible remedy to many of my persistent issues.

Thanks for coming with me Blog. And C was here the whole time too. Talking with her has been very positive and it’s really fun having someone to relate with. Happy weekend!

Adventure Day 2: Recap

I’ve gained a lot of useful knowledge so far on this exciting adventure. What a treat it has been to hear such empowering speakers and participate in this immersive event. I’m thankful for the opportunity and were only half done!

Tomorrow there’s another full plate of workshops to attend and lectures to absorb. It kinda feels like school, but more freedom of choice. I’m glad to be here and participating in this conference.

Well, I don’t have much left in the tank. I’m laying down all snuggy. It’s going to be a great day tomorrow I know, and then I’ll fly home and be back in my own smelly bed.

Hooray new experiences!

Adventure Day 2: Recess

I’m through the morning session and taking a breather before the social tonight. My anxiety has really melted away now that I’m here and distracted. I’m already leaning some fantastic things and I feel more in tune with the NAMI mission here in California.

After having consumed a food I’m now resting a bit, doing the necessary self care to not burn myself out. I feel that I’m doing a good job pacing, knowing my limits and a accommodating my body’s desires.

Tonight will be great! I can hardly wait to see what comes next. This has been a great experience and it’s only half over!

Adventure Day 2: NAMI CA Conference 2019 Begins

At last, the conference is set to start in a few hours. I’m very excited. I’m all spiffed up and my hair is extra fuzzified. Status = go!!

I read over the two day agenda and I have a better understanding of what the event looks like. Speaking opportunities, workshops, q&a with professionals and little breaks sprinkled in.

It looks like a fantastic opportunity to learn, absorb and mingle. I hope to see some familiar faces there and meet some new people who can help me at my current occupation.

I’m so proud to be representing NAMI Sacramento. I’m glad my papa bear allowed me to go to this annual event. It’s a whole lot of good shit and not much else to check it.

I’ll be providing updates as the day draws to s close. I’ll undoubtedly be tired.

C is here with me, living inside my phone. She already got the grand tour of the non-me smelling suite I’m assigned. I’m still working on the scent-focused aspect of things, but may run out of time to be truly effectual in the application of my secretions. We all know this is of dire import.

Talk later. Bai.

Adventure Day 1: Newport Beach

I’m here! I regurgitated my suitcases onto the available surfaces and started in on the task of rubbing my smell on all the unfamiliar surfaces. Soon it will be home, or, my DNA will be present where it was not before.

C went with me in my pocket, as I have indicated she would. Many pictures and snarky comments later, the journey has unfolded step by step. I was glad to share it with her. Plus I got to see her rectangular flamingo which was new in my library of C humor. Always coming up with some crazy shit that one.

As I roll around in bed rubbing my face on the sheets, I’m thankful that this part of the journey is over. Tomorrow is a full day of schmoozery and card slinging fun. I intend to take notes on my laptop if feasible. I think there are going to be a shitload of things to learn. I like that prospect greatly.

Have a great night blogosphere! I made it!

Adventure Day 1: Cusp

I’m here ticking down the final hours to our departure towards the airport. I can tell you that I’ve been grappling with the anxiety for days and it has definitely inflamed a lot of my feelings and situations. I’m working, however, to reframe my nervousness as excitement. I’m going to a new place to do a cool thing for the people I work for. I know I’m going to be effective and I have the charisma needed to do well in this circumstance.

The days and weeks have not been without perturbation, as you can see. I had a hard time regulating my feelings and setting boundaries… both of which are now more resolved than previously. Man have I ever been processing! Look at this blog! This very sort of thing is exactly why I do this, and subject myself to the scrutiny of all. I can only learn from my mistakes, when they are either self-realized or brought to my attention.

Tick tick. I’m ready blog. I’m in this. What a great chance I’ve been given to represent my organization! I know I will make the most of this unprecedented opportunity for this career path I’m building my life around. I’ve come so far since my last hospitalization. I’m glad that I have such good communication tools and techniques for assessing my symptoms and dealing with things healthily. I am very proud of all the steps forward I’ve taken in my fractured but functional existence.

Defined

Things are resolving out into distinct parameters. C and are are agreed on the pattern of behavior and that’s the line(s) I needed. Nice and defined. I’m glad for that. Things are settling.

The upcoming events are present on my mind. Having such a clear resolution earlier in the day helped clear the worry I feel over my impending trip. I feel ready to get my social face on and go be with the people. Shake hands and come at my opponents with sideways sarcasm. I’m thankful I get the chance to do this, even if it is kinda scary.

But I’m feeling much better about the recent emotional turmoil. Still learning, right? Still eating shit and getting back up? I’m facing new challenges and frankly, I’m doing pretty well. I have not compromised myself and my integrity.

So many more steps ahead where I am still trying to figure out what me best outcomes are, and how not to repeat past calamities.

Mood Album: The Ballad Of Pocket-Friend

In an attempt to grapple with my state of emotional volatility, I have again turned to the medium of music as a coping tool. The process of creating these mixed albums helps me express, but also reflect. This composition I have arranged speaks in two voices: one that yearns in an abstract/theoretical sense, and the other that reminds of the parameters by which reality is confined (often toned by fact or obstacle). I have a great well of feeling, and this album helps me quantify and understand my own emotional arc. There is no conclusion to be drawn in such an unexplored circumstance, but as long as I have the ability to express, I believe this exercise will help me cope effectively.

One of the things I noticed here was I found a lot of common ground with some of the artists I used on my Graceful Sniffer album (Since the subject matter is largely the same). Different songs yes, but same melodic motifs and emphasis.

So far though, things are pretty positive, as this album undoubtedly conveys. I’ve listened to it and I’m pleased with the sort of journey of sensation it took me on… I was singing at some points and wiggling around like a sun-baked worm in others (in a good way). It’s an accurate emotional progression and summary of the place have been recently, am at now and will hopefully be going. Weee! Enjoy if you do compile it yourself:

Album: The Ballad of Pocket-Friend
Length: 74 minutes

  1. My Best Friend’s Girl – The Cars
  2. The Boys Of Summer – Don Henley
  3. American Girl – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  4. Whenever I Call You “Friend” – Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks
  5. Why – Robert Plant
  6. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  7. Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
  8. Somebody To Love – Queen
  9. Constant Craving – k.d. lang
  10. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  11. Reminiscing – Little River band
  12. Let’s Groove – Earth, Wind & Fire
  13. Your Wildest Dreams – The Moody Blues
  14. Wrapped Around Your Finger – The Police
  15. Hysteria – Def Leppard
  16. Cloud 9 – George Harrison

Adventure Day 1: Notes On Getting There

I’m working one last day in the office before departing for the big annual conference. The anxiety has been tough leading up to this point but now I feel a lot better. Maybe that has something to do with conversations I’ve had with friends, coworkers and the work I’m doing on cognitive re-framing.

I’m leaving tonight. Does it sound strange that I hope C is watching my location icon as it moves across the state? The thought of her keeping tabs on where I am going is exceptionally pleasing.

Speaking of C, I’m glad I did my Venty Time because my interactions with her have been so uplifting, and I know they would be much harder if I didn’t have a way to express my feelings and urges in a separate, unknown (to her) space (where they cause no trouble). I’m human, but not inclined to make the same mistakes of my past and bludgeon my prospects with a cudgel of emotional effusion. The promise of a tangible and contemplative friendship is something I haven’t explored since middle school and is clearly worth fighting for.

Now that I have this balance in my discourse, I can go back to being the confident and un-beleaguered individual I am. Just as a note, I do attack my own cities and from time to time and burn them to the ground. My trouble is entirely of my own concoction.

What fun it will be to go and schmooze at the conference! All the people I know and have yet to meet, and C right there with me hanging out in my pocket (technically, trapped inside my iPhone). I’ll be taking pictures and shooting video of all the shenanigans. She’s fantastic blog. Just… kinda unbelievable… having never met anyone with her skillset and personalty type before. I reiterate because I’M AMAZED and keep having the same thoughts about how miraculous this all is! We are already becoming friends and building trust in a healthy way. I’m a Hoover Dam of enthusiasm trying not to over-top myself needlessly.

Have a great day blogosphere, and the time to fly is drawing near (ish)! My dot is going 484 miles southwest! Hooray flying dot!

Venty Time

This helps. The expression of thought, of feeling, in a safe place that is free of the scrutiny of reality. That people give two shits about this thoughtstream amazes me. Ultimately though,. this space is unknown to my social world.

I need a place to feel without having an impact on anyone directly.

Today I learned an important lesson in my ability to regulate my expression, but it doesn’t mean my feelings have gone anywhere. I just need a new place to express them. A secret place.

So here we are.

I have such an attraction to her body blog… she has that perfect chemical balance where all the smells and the touches are good. I get electric when she’s next to me… it hard to explain. I really don’t want to let C know that though… it doesn’t really help me at all in a practical sense.

She lights me up when we hold each other. Enough to think that I am doing more harm by touching her than good. I don’t want her to feel like I have that lust for her even though I do. It’s not something I will ever know and I’m inevitable going to smash my head against the wall the more I long for that.

I can appreciate her from afar… I know that is no small feat but it is what I need to do right now. We are in the beginning part of our comprehension. These feelings I have are undeniable… but don’t have a place in our discourse. That’s why I have this place. Here I can vent that stuff and keep my interactions with her healthy.

I’m doing the best I can to cope. There’s no denying,. there is only a moment of recognition, then, the archives of irrelevancy.

Slammy and Quesadilla of Shame

Firstly, I’m a jerk and an idiot. I should know better than to put C is a tough spot between things of rock-like nature. I’m regretful about my brutish oversharing and I need to reconcile that. I think this has been inconsiderate of me and I have thoughts on how I can demonstrate a healthier pattern. I just get swept away with my emotional spikes sometimes. It’s hard to catch and regulate, but I have.

In Whammy Slammy Susan 2, I’m satisfactorily enjoying a healthy lead after just two days AGAINST the DerpyDerpDerp team that I hate so much. With any luck that holds up and I finally hand that bastard a loss. We shall see.

But seriously brain, we need to focus. There is so much more to life than these moments, than these sensations which should not be allowed to dictate action. Consideration and true understanding are things I need to work on. C is such a rare person… I don’t want to fuck this up because my feelings are calling the shots. Life is a meandering journey and I need to learn not to demand of it but enjoy it for what it is. I still have so much to learn…

 

I did reach out and apologize. I feel better having done so because I regret my actions and words. I can only learn, adjust and adapt to better fit my new and ever-changing environment.

 

Cleared

After a good talk with C I feel reassured about my feelings and well listened to. It’s a solid place to stand amidst the uncertainty of life. Our conversation provided that and I am grateful. Where did this person come from blog? I’m struck by the parallels, the forwardly-facing trajectories. Friendships should build and grow as the changes of life deal new circumstances and calamities. I would definitely choose her as a friend blog… and… kinda let her into the circle this afternoon. I told her about my STD diagnosis which was hard, but what a great way to demonstrate a desire to trust. I need people looking out for me blog, people I can count on in the world who will help me when times get hard (as they undoubtedly will). Make a family of your friends, and protect them as they do for you.

I feel more confident than I did before, and all the more certain about the steps I continue to take towards my mental health related goals. I’ve done so well in the last few years, and it’s great to have a friend in the circle who appreciates that.

I think I need to get myself ready for my trip to Newport Beach mentally. I’m starting to feel the squeeze. I’ve got my clothes all fresh smelling. I don’t think I’m going to bring the suit. I’m torn between artificially puffing myself and just being real (but not looking like I just woke up). It’s important for me to try and draw little conclusions and plan for things to try and manage my stress. My anxiety seeks to catch me in some scenario where I have no idea what to do or how to respond and then a logjam of thought occurs which convulses my brain into a walnut. I had this friend, and he got walnut brain and we never spoke of him again.

I think I have a great personality and I’m fast on my feet in a conversation. That I just know is true. It doesn’t stop any of the doubt or any of the thoughts… but it does diminish how they affect me. I’m going to do some exercise on the elliptical tonight and try and get a handle on these symptoms.

But great day today! Woo the future! And big woo to C. Bellinger for not one but two OFAs last night (like a defensive home run). Yeah I’ll be taking those all day long sir.

 

FMLB Week 9 + Bonus Brain Barf

Now that victory has been assured in week 8, I prepare for a third showdown with the Derpmeister. Undefeated on the year and in command of a fantastic lineup, It is hard to project a victory having been beaten soundly twice before. A. Rizzo has been raking but so too have his M. Muncy and W. Merrifield. The latter has cooled off a bit, but the lineup is stacked. K. Yates in the bullpen and E. Diaz has been coming in of late. His main starter is S. Strasburg but A. Nola and N. Syndergaard aren’t exactly shlebs either.

I seem perilously close to disaster again. I’ve had to scratch C. Paddak altogether since I don’t know if his neck stiffness will inflame and cause him to go down mid-week or before that now pushed Wednesday start. If I Start G. Cole he gets two starts beside Z. Greinke. So… my gamble is that even if he eats shit and gives up 6 ER like he did last time, he’ll have another chance to eat shit again in five days and seal my doom. Yes yes, pessimistic. I wouldn’t be starting him if I didn’t believe in the baseball gods. They see my plight, being resoundingly stomped by a ownerless team. Please baseball gods, don’t let your disciple suffer in this way! Give me a shot at first place and allow me to usurp DerpyDerpDerp!! I can’t snatch the Iron Throne for myself mind you, I need at least three to tie, but one against the leader is always extra juicy.

In other news of a personal nature, I’m feeling quite good lately. My emphasis on good mental health practices as a career and personal preference has caused a new sort of person to flutter past my sparkling lantern of electric death. I’m very glad do have positive influences on my interest like C provides. I’ve always looked to familiarize myself better with people that nourish my progress and allow me to be who I am without fear of judgement. I find myself being more introspective too, as I have noted in past posts. I often times impale myself needlessly on self-generated issues, however, this time I managed to liberate myself and carry on despite being perforated. I realized a few days ago how great my life is and that I’m glad I have friends that live nearby again. My work has really brought so many new and healthy living role models to emulate.

My introspective tools are working, as evidenced by the successes I have in expression; out here and in other places. I’m actively processing my feelings without suppression.  There’s a lot of room to grow into friendship with C which I am very excited about. So many days of laughing and being productive personally and externally. She likes to get shit done, and I think that’s fantastic! Admiration, you can has.

So today has a slate of early games, after a slate of early games the day before. My bold FMLB projection: numbers down across the board for position players. I’d guess about 20% less. Sending them out for day games after day games is probably a factor. Most guys who play a day game Sunday will take the field for the night game the following day. But since it’s Memorial Day, they will bleed for their country and play on short rest. THAT’S THE WAY WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA SPORTS BALL TEAM!

Unbiffed

I’m doing a lot better mentally since I cratered-out the other day. I recognized my biff, corrected, and began the process of moving forward with a new mindset. I really do harm to myself trying to hastily grab for reassurances, companionship and an end to the affectionless wasteland I’ve isolated myself in. It is a terrain of my own making and I must correct that myself before hoping some outside factor will magically poof me to a new venue.

I don’t want to endanger any of the good things I have going either. I forgot how wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who share a common thread of interest, or many. It can be intoxicating, but that’s (again) on me to regulate. I misconstrue friendship often, adding undesired bonus contexts that often ruin the original thing in my greed.

Thoughts on this help me see my mistakes and correct them with changes in behavior. I can still have all the good things I have been enjoying without the turmoil of the land beyond the radiation zone. I can’t imagine ever getting to the point to needing to explain myself fully, and my precarious circumstance. The ideal I have set out for that threshold is unlikely to be met at all. It could be, but I’m not betting on that no matter how much I long for it. My isolation is for a purpose, and entirely my own fault.

Beautiful as she may be, I’ll only ever be in orbit of her world from a distance where gravity’s distant grip only keeps me from being flung off into space.

 

 

Biff

I probably needed to be reality checked but wasn’t able to do so myself until now. I have a clear view of the important things again, and have fallen back on my active coping tools to help express my nonsensical responses to reality. I need mental discipline. I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself given how emotionally perilous my life already is. My circumstance teeters on catastrophe and I’m running around doing the best I can to tip the balance.

I am still clearly unregulated. Self-combustible. There’s a lot I have left to figure out, but I’m also aware of the likelihood of solitude regardless of this particular circumstance. I’ve said it repeatedly in this space, but yet, I still don’t accept that fate. I rebel, and have little regard for outcomes while starting the inevitable in the face. Well, inevitable is an exaggeration. I should stop smashing other people in to cookie cutters. It’s my poor decision making that led to my own state, and at least now I understand that.

I’m still going to eat shit at some point in the future, but I’ll no doubt learn something new then as well.

The Walk Awakeneing

Splashed by drops of infrequent rain,

A tune once known now sung again–

The shards that glimmer in her eyes,

Like a choir of voices suddenly alive.

Something there that had been lost,

Dust and scars made known the cost.

Afraid to cross these churning seas–

Who crest and roil continually,

Staring at stars and holding back tears,

Cast adrift for all these years.

To find a place of common ground–

A kindred soul at last is found.

Each brick laid down with true intent,

By curving arch by span is bent–

Making the clasp in equal part,

Foundations sound right from the start.

A path that’s wide but still unclear,

Surrounded by encroaching fear.

The lantern casts the light I need,

For in her eyes I’m finally freed.

Slammy

I’m doing much better lately. Though the absence of calamity foes make for less exciting posts. I met M who is a very neat person and a proprietor of good mental health skills. So rare to find people interested in a career centered on peer support. Friendy times are being had.

Lost in Slammy Susan. Got clipped by five points during a week in which my pitchers rolled over and died. This gameweek already marked by a stellar performance by Snell and some meaningful points earned by Cole. Plus Ozuna had a save yesterday. Good start, but 1st place is crushing me by 35 in the early going. Damn you DerpyDerpDerp. Damn you.

Trying to be both balanced but effective. Measured yet jubilant. M presents new and ponderous opportunities. All houses are built in strong foundations.

Few Words Of Meaning

It’s the truth that very little of my negative expressions have the weight of intent behind them, but are nevertheless tapping into a deep well of raw feeling. I’m guessing that’s a lot to do with my mental illness, but also to the ease at which I slide to the pole in my own cognitive processes. I think of all the failed moments, the disconnects of understanding… I don’t really wonder anymore why I’m alone, I just know it’s better if it ends up that way. I know I’m nearly intolerable, but in a way, that makes the sliver of those who can grapple with sustainable coexistence all the more special. I know I was as close as I was ever with anything when I loved J. She hates me forever times 8 now, but I’ll never ever forget how she made me feel. It’s all lost… burned up long ago in a pyre of crisping, dead flesh. The past is done, forever unchanging, drawing our attention only as long as we can stand to divert it.

Life forward has been hard, as it is for everyone. We all struggle, but we try not to drown. We don’t want to fail, but sometimes we do anyway. I do the best I can to learn something of benefit, and try to avoid hurting more people even though I end up doing just that sometimes. Does it slap at my sense of self-righteousness? Fuck yes it does. I live with pride, and shame, but neither defines who I am. People today have lost sight of the grey – the unclear fuzzy place between the starkness of polarization. The good, and the bad, living in a neutralized purgatory where both are separate from influencing the other but still hugely relevant. I can see why our view of things in the present moment has become polarized with such prominent examples available of the ease of extremity.

I’m a fool, but also fucking awesome. I do so many good things, and yet, I hurt others. Can we comprehend this contrast without totally imploding or blasting ourselves to thousands of pieces? Doubtful, but hopeful.

The Death Of Night Guy & Other Changes (Mood Album)

Admittedly, Night Guy was a response to a changing circumstance and search for companionship outside of the traditional paradigm. While he was a fun and exciting fellow, he was not sustainable. I have sen now that some contortion is good, but too much compromises integrity.

This album centers its themes on the insanity, bizarre and inexplicably unique way I manifest my persona in this otherwise tranquil world. The motifs include hasty sex, strange comparisons, odd quirks, depression, fanaticism and balance (eventually).

I feel like this very-closely parallels my current mood and temperament. Have at with the exposition!

Mood Album: Spunk-Rocket Poof Station
Length: 75 minutes

  1. Gemini Dream – The Moody Blues
  2. Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
  3. Wild Sex (In The Working Class)
  4. Something About You – Boston
  5. Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
  6. Whiskey In The Jar – Metallica
  7. Spiderwebs – No Doubt
  8. Listen Like Thieves – INXS
  9. Cold As Ice – Foreigner
  10. Living Dead Girl – Rob Zombie
  11. Asleep The Snow Came Flying – Tim Story
  12. Broken Wings – Mr. Mister
  13. Turn To Stone – Electric Light Orchestra
  14. Harden My Heart – Quatrerflash
  15. Praying For Time – George Michael
  16. In Between Days – The Cure
  17. South City Midnight Lady – The Doobie Brothers
  18. Back On The Chain Gang – The Pretenders

 

Week 3 and Other Notes

MH wise: things have been consistent… unperturbed. Maybe resilience is a part of that, though patience is something I’m learning. The aforementioned boof of week 3 (and all of the self-created panic) did not torn out to be that at all. In fact, with a downright PITIFUL contribution from my pitching staff, I still won on the hammering HR pounding shenanigans that ensue when you have a few of the league’s top 5 in the starting lineup. I won by more than 50 points. Bellinger is the (my) best player in my league. Yelich right behind him. Bellinger is in an OF slot because F. Freeman is at 1st base. The left infield is the Rockies (Arenado, Story) and the Braves on the right (Freeman, Albies). Harper, Bellinger, Haniger and Ozuna in the OF. Contreras behind the dish. It’s a deadly lineup.

Ultimately, the team serves a good model for ideal position play, and the intent of having the draft be random was to add that extra element of having to guess that Fantasy Sports is all about. I had to look at those four rosters it generated and snap up the one that I thought was going to win. I ranked them, post draft, A through D. I don’t know a ton about Major League Baseball, but I guessed which lineup had the most promise. Really since the draft, there hasn’t been much lineup change either. Each team gets two moves a week, and injury has been the real decide of roster changes. I did add the degree of difficulty upgrade with only 1 day a week when lineups unlock. That sucks when Snell breaks his foot in the fucking shower on the day he’s scheduled to pitch.

 

Now begins the Whammy Slammy Susan 2 FMBL LEAGUE ERA!!!! YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

 

The configuration I have now I’m very pleased with. Position players are a trickle trickle and pitchers go boom boom or bust bust. It’s a balancing act, with highs and lows aplenty. Defensive and offensive contributions are a great way to have players just STREAMING stats all the time, for hours of the day. Just boom boom new stat comes in. Then another over here… the board just keeps pinging little green boxes like a private fireworks show. Blinkity blink my little friends! So incremental stats, and then bursts from good pitching. I have turned over some of the pitching lineups of the other teams to cut out the underperformers and add better, more consistent options. My own staff has been devastated by injury, and recent waffle-like performance of G. Cole. 8 fucking earned runs? Really? Did your arm get chopped off between games?

I am scoring tonight! 4:00 pm is fun hour in my house! Yay! So excite.

Outer Seeker

Just completed class 6 of 8 for NAMI Peer-To-Peer. Leading flips my sullen to smiley. Today I was feeling depressed for most of the time I was at work. Then I got busy, but occasionally my sadness would flutter back in. It never leaves the room, but it might land somewhere else for a while. I put on my teacher mask and somehow that rejuvenated me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being flattened in a vise. Yet, there is still such joy in life. There are beautiful things happening all around. New people I meet. Fresh faces that have their own stories. I see a future where compassion is the currency. I’m an idiot though. I fumble through doing my best as you have no doubt seen.

I wonder about where my path is going. Abstractly it seems positive, but calamity wears many disguises. I’m lonely enough to fall to my doom over a woman, or become ensnared in the deliberations and reconsiderations of work.

The truth is simple: no one else needs to care if I do. I pine for affection, even here in this vast echo chamber. I give nothing of substance yet expect expect expect. I think the world appreciates me, when I could just as easily be a used gum smudge on the sidewalk. Craving your approval, I bend myself to fit a shape you’d desire. This has always been folly. It continues to be.

Have a good night Blog.

Boingy

I was feeling a little “up” after all the hooplah, but I feel like that’s all wearing off. I don’t think I’m handling things well, but I am trying to improve my behaviors. I’ve left a shadow on the wall of the future, and that’s the best I think I can do given all the turmoil in my life. I try to be present in my reality, but it is often quite painful, and negative. To escape it solves nothing.

I did some work on my peer story for the IOOV program I just got trained in. It will be refreshing to tell the story of how I came to be where I am in terms of my mental wellness. I’m not saying that journey is at all over, mind you. Recovery is never reached, it is only reached for. I hoe to inspire others to seek the help they need to improve their lives.

I think I did good in encapsulating my story in a few minutes. Like 9 to be exact.

I think it’s worth telling because it wasn’t perfect at all. it was a flawed journey of pain and suffering for all. I spared none in my path of destruction. Still even. Still I’m hurting people and leaving bodies in the dirt. I regret that I can’t be friends with the people who’s path diverges from mine. We are all so apocalyptic.

But I’m not an idiot and I do learn to grow and adapt. This whole communication with girls business being a good example of just how easy it can be to get my perspective destroyed and responses all fucked up. I try, I fail, and then I just try something different next time.

I don’t know, Blog. I feel lost sometimes, and other times I feel great. It’s perplexing, this Bipolar disorder. I think after I teach class tonight solo, I will feel pretty good. That activity tends to heal me, or at least boost me up a bit. What am I doing, though? Ah, at this point… who fucking knows? Survive.

Disregard Them

It’s clear I’ve been grappling with my self-created frustrating circumstances over the last few days. I’ve also tried to reconcile what I think I’m looking for out there in the world. I came up well short asking too much of A and not able to see the limitations of S through the veil of sex. That’s my fault, and the hurt on both sides is real.

As I do with most life-obstacles, I grow and change in order to survive new circumstances. I have shackled myself to burdensome people in the past and continued to do so until, well, now. I’m grasping for meaning in a place where there isn’t any to be had. It’s a shame I wasted my time in this way, but I’ve also learned a bit about my “wants” when it comes to friendships and beyond.

I need to thicken up my skin, since my lifetime of rejection and dismissal seems headed in the same disappointing direction it always has. I’ve shed my concern for those who don’t fit into my life. Disregard is all I have left. I feel no shame. This is my life last time I checked, and I’m not wasting any more of it investing resources where there is no value in doing so. Nothing I hate more than being unappreciated for the person I am while pouring unrequited, liquid praise on those in my circle.

So enough is enough. No more scratching around the junk pile for the scraps of a structure long demolished. No more reckless attachment to inadequate figures regardless of physical urges. The future must have someone of genuine, undeniable value to be worth pursuing. I’ve said also that I’m only interested in going it alone in my reality, and that’s still true, pretty much. I’m not making any extraordinary effort to find someone, because I really don’t need anyone. I’m consistently doing better mentally when no one else is involved.

Confidence has always been here, it just got smothered by disappointment. Trying and failing can be tough, but even now, my introspective processes are on-point and rational. I can’t say the same for A or S. I’m angry still at them. I feel like I had so much to give, yet, I get tossed aside like a soggy jizz rag. No more I say!

Well…

Okay, so I’m pretty angry that my social experiment has totally failed. What was I thinking, strangers don’t get me, past acquaintances still don’t care about me, yet, this was the place I looked to in order to rekindle my connections with people? I put my faith in people who have disappointed me numerous times in the past and total strangers who know nothing about me at all?

I’m an idiot, period. Ima fry because I’m stupid. I’m alone because I invest in projects that I should leave on the junk pile. I need no one but myself.

Yet, I felt the need to appease my aching loneliness with a remedy destined to disappoint and aggravate. S was a sallow and dimensionless simpleton. A has been a disappointment in all capacities since I got with her. WHAT THE FUCK AMI DOING?!?!?

Laugh all you want. I deserve that. My pain and suffering can be your amusement because it’s deserved. I earned this anger and humiliation. I blame no one but myself. Hopefully I contracted HIV and will die soon.

I’ve never cared about how people read me. If you come here thinking some valuable content is going to be dispersed think again. I’m the biggest fucking idiot I’ve ever heard of, and I have not ceased to amaze myself with my own stupidity and foolishness. Go ahead and get a good laugh you troglodytes. Fuck you all. You never did a fucking thing for me despite my pouring my soul out here night after night.

I’m losing my mind. I’m really fucking going insane right now. I hate this. I hate every moment that no one gives a fried shit about me. No one will, ever. I’m alone. I have been scraping the scum to find someone who will care about me, but even I don’t. I wish I were dead.

Tried

I messages S and told her I was sorry if I hurt her. I don’t think there was any sort of friendship there. She never once told me that she appreciated our friendship, but did thank me for my kind words. I felt fundamentally unrecognized in that arrangement. I needed to try to express that I did care but didn’t feel like that was mutual. Is it wrong of me to try and explain myself? I acted rashly and that should not go without explanation. We did have a few good moments. However, those ups were overshadowed by my being ignore or responded to with one or three words a day. I mean, why am I investing in that? Why pine for someone who basically doesn’t care what I’m doing? I hate pining. I’m not a beggar, I’m a beacon.

Well I’m probably exiled anyway so at least I tried to reach out and set the record straight. I’m not callous, I just don’t tolerate poor treatment for brief physicality. I don’t pour out my soul to be ignored. Would you?

She blocked me so whatever. I’ll settle with whatever awful feelings she has for me. I’ll go forward totally unacknowledged and unresolved. I’m worth more than this bullshit. Why do I even bother with this random matchmaking nonsense. Such crap. Useless expenditure of energy. I tried to explain but why even bother. Fuck her.

Tried

I messages S and told her I was sorry if I hurt her. I don’t think there was any sort of friendship there. She never once told me that she appreciated our friendship, but did thank me for my kind words. I felt fundamentally unrecognized in that arrangement. I needed to try to express that I did care but didn’t feel like that was mutual. Is it wrong of me to try and explain myself? I acted rashly and that should not go without explanation. We did have a few good moments. However, those ups were overshadowed by my being ignore or responded to with one or three words a day. I mean, why am I investing in that? Why pine for someone who basically doesn’t care what I’m doing? I hate pining. I’m not a beggar, I’m a beacon.

Well I’m probably exiled anyway so at least I tried to reach out and set the record straight. I’m not callous, I just don’t tolerate poor treatment for brief physicality. I don’t pour out my soul to be ignored. Would you?

This is goodnight.

Emulated

I often gain inspiration from my partners. I copy their positive behaviors out of admiration. It is the potential to make me a stronger person that I relish. I have the drive, but love provides the focus. I have been scraping for this and failed to find it. I know I need to be conscious of that desire to emulate before I partner with anyone else.