Unchecked

I had been feeling very untethered or adrift lately. I was without focus or clarity as to my path forward. Time was spent attempting to properly ascertain what I could do to get out of my funk.

Good self care is about using the right tool when you need it. I found myself turning to music a lot, and songs that invoked an emotional response. This helped me re-live my feelings that I had been suppressing, and memories I had been hiding. It’s better to try and deal with things upfront, I’ve always preached. Now I need to do a bit of that for myself.

I moved on to having good discussions with my therapist and mom. Mom had a bit of a breakdown and I had to deal with a pyroclastic flow. I decided to do a daily check in with her about mental health and good strategies for expression. That introspection is helpful for us both. I need there to be tranquility in the environment in order to have a shot at thriving.

I tried a bit of poetry. It’s not really my flavor right now. I need an outlet. I tried gaming, but I’ve lost the taste for that as well. I just feel like there is something else I should be doing. LIke I’m not allowed to play or something. I think I have this problem with the whole “work at home” phenomena. I need “work” time and “play” time and a way to re-enforce those boundaries.

Overall though I feel a mix of sorrowful, disconnected and lost. I tried all these things and still there is this fog hanging over me. I had a future that I’ve completely lost sight of, and it’s not coming back. I need to do something to reframe so I can emerge from this haze.

It Was With Us

It’s been here for some time, we are beginning to discover. The testing is so far behind we have no idea what the scope of this thing encompasses. I remember the numbers on the daily ticker… when they were much smaller. How long does this go on for? What a frustrating apocalypse this is.

My transition has been smoother than most, but still a dramatic deviation from the well-established norms. I don’t know what lies ahead, but my first guess about the scope and scale of the pandemic was pretty right on.

I hope we do not reach 60% infected. I hope it stays where it is… around 3%. Does it just keep getting worse, further stuffing us into our little security compartments? I already hate the way we are surviving this and I’m surely going to hate it more when there are fewer things for us to do.

I hope you all get through this with no COVID-19.

Dry

The river has stopped flowing. Sunny days sap the ground of its moisture, leaving a parched and blighted waste.

Remembering the kiss of rain on sand; the fragrance of dampened dust.

When the twilight comes and the warmth of day is gone, then, alone in the cold of night.

Deeply breathe in the stale air of the abandoned place.

Breathe. Breathe.

 

 

Settle

The dust of transition is beginning to settle in a very literal sense. I have moved, past tense. The purge of stress is complete and I am riding the wave of accomplishment.

My ablative self has come back to Earth. The crater smolders and yet there is regrowth. New plants are forming all the time. Little yellow flowers blooming.

What to do? Settle in and survive the virus. Priority one.

Priority two: get K to CA

Next is yet to be.

The Ablative Self

Even in the midst of devastation, there are morsels of undiminished goodness in there too. I am feeling recognized, appreciated and gratified. By melting off my exterior sadness, I have opened the way for something new. The light of possibility shines again!

I did not like being discarded, but it is refreshing to be found once more.

I know why, yes. But now I don’t have to fret over my status but rejoice in the change of it.