Then

Avenues of thought,

The taste of summer lips,

Dandelion bright–

Ribbons twist in the wind. 

Hands, touch–

Together beneath the stars,

Remembering. 

The hollow silence–

Crushing down. 

Pinned against regret,

Trapped by nevermore,

Memories fade away. 

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Another Step Forward

Score: +3

I was expecting Amanda home sooner but she is still house sitting for a friend. She needs to be home tonight though because she has ECT tomorrow. I’ve had the day to myself again and I made good use of it. 

The struggle today has been mostly mental in nature. I’ve had to overcome some fairly strong waves of anxiety, and I did so without response or reaction. I calmly, coolly, let the boiling blood simmer down. I did some limited exercise, a load of Amanda’s laundry, the dishes again and I watched a lot of NFL and baseball stuff on the tv. But mostly I was just thinking about how I miss Amanda and how I hurt for what she is going through. 

She and her ex had a nuclear meltdown fight. The relationship between them is a smoldering ruin. She is crushed, and get this, the woman who never cries is bawling. Think there might have been some suppressed emotions under there through the years? It’s natural for her to be upset, and emotional. She’s dealing with a ton of trauma and memory that goes back through most of her life. I can’t help her find a way through. She has to find it for herself. But I know she can. She has to grieve, and then she will transition on. Like we all do and must. 

So I’m having a good day alone. Practicing my disciplines. Making sure everything looks perfect for Amanda tonight. Hope you all have a good night. 

Less is More

Score: +2

Well I had an ok day today. My mood has been down, but sort of in the background. I have a good outward-facing persona, and a mastery of deception. But I still feel lower than normal. 

I did my mile on the elliptical. It was nice. I feel good having done it. I think tomorrow I’ll try a mile and a half. 

I am struggling and over self-medicating. I put a stop to it today. I have to be better about weed. I just tend to go apeshit and smoke it all. I need to space it out and make it last. Plus, I need to smoke less as I think it’s causing me to be kinda fuzzed out. 

I threw up this morning and had awesome diarrhea all day. I think I ate a bug. Now my guts are unhappy. I did fine the rest of the day. Sometimes I think my toothpaste is to blame, but I have no proof, only speculation. 

Amanda and I decided to be engaged as of our 2nd annerversary on January 15th. We are doing rings, and a ceremony to celebrate our commitment to each other. But we’re not getting married. We just want to be engaged forever. Pledged and bound by trust and love. A small gathering to celebrate it all. I am excited. I’ve had beautiful ceremony memories all stained and bitter with time and change. I don’t believe I will have the same problem again. I love her, and I know who she is. She needs time to break free of the shackles of her past and bloom into who she wants to be. I want to celebrate that journey with her. 

Blog, I’m trying to find my rhythm. It’s been a tough start to the week. 

Uncharted

Score: +3.5

I’ve been doing my new job for two days now and it’s fucking awesome. The experience has been wonderful. I’ve been in video meetings, helped lay the groundwork for a new department and learned two new software interfaces. I’m absorbing and doing the best I can to stay busy. The work is compelling. Though, I will probably be the new most hated person in the office. I deliver one-on-ones after doing my evaluations. Everything is documented. So those will be tough. But overall, I’m going to enjoy it. 

More importantly, this feels like a graduation moment in my life. I’ve never been promoted before, and never conceived of a 33% raise. I feel relieved that the evaluation process is over, and sorta still in shock about the new job. Is this really happening to me? You mean, hard work really does pay off?

Right now, things are as good as they’ve been in a while. Amanda’s flare up is finally subsiding, and she’s going back to work tomorrow. We bought an elliptical (which I assembled) and are planning on daily cardiovascular exercise. We set it up in the living room behind the couch, facing the tv. This is a positive activity which will yield substantial health benefits over time. We could both use it, and there’s no telling what secret energy we have yet to unlock as time passes. So plus territory, that’s for sure. 

I’m doing great blog. I’m really finally feeling like I’ve moved on from my past life. I’ve let go of even the faintest curiosities. My life is so fantabulous right now, why bother dwelling in the past? I’m too preoccupied enjoying every perk of my cushy new existence. 

Have a great night. 

Mood Album I – The Complicated Smush

This album encapsulates the most recent iteration of my ongoing struggle with letting go of the past and exploring the future. I try to come to terms with my pain then turn that energy into a new direction. Love is miraculous in that it takes different shapes depending on the nature of the relationship. The back end of the album spins off into its own new pleasant direction. Build and enjoy. 

  1. Pamela – Toto
  2. King of Pain – The Police
  3. Changes IV – Cat Stevens
  4. What It Takes – Aerosmith
  5. Cowboys And Angels – George Michael
  6. Your Wildest Dreams – The Moody Blues
  7. Only In Your Heart – America
  8. While My Heart Is Still Beating – Roxy Music
  9. The Way I Feel – Robert Plant
  10. Be With You – The Bangles
  11. Are We Ourselves? – The Fixx
  12. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) – Eurythmics
  13. I Want You So Bad – Heart
  14. Waiting For A Girl Like You – Foreigner
  15. You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates
  16. Just The Way You Are – Billy Joel
  17. Never Tear Us Apart – INXS 

Tonight’s Mood

Cowboys & Angels

George Michael


When your heart’s in someone else’s hands

Monkey see and monkey do

Their wish is your command

Not to blame

Everyone’s the same
All you do is love and love is all you do

I should know by now the way I fought for you

You’re not to blame, everyone’s the same
I know you think that you’re safe

Mister

Harmless deception

That keeps love at bay

It’s the ones who resist that we most want to kiss

Wouldn’t you say?
Cowboys and angels

They all have the time for you

Why should I imagine that I’d be a find for you

Why should I imagine

That I’d have something to say
But that scar on your face

That beautiful face of yours

In your heart there’s a trace

Of someone before
When your heart’s in someone else’s plans

Things you say and things you do

That they don’t understand

You’re not to blame

Always ends the same
You can call it love but I don’t think it’s true

You should know by now

I’m not the boy for you

You’re not to blame

Always ends the same
I know you think that you’re safe

Sister

Harmless affection that keeps things this way

It’s the ones who persist for the sake of a kiss

Who will pay and pay

Cowboys and angels

They all have the time for you

Why should I imagine that I was designed for you

Why should I believe

That you would stay
But that scar on your face

That beautiful face of yours

Don’t you think that I’d know

They’ve hurt you, before
Take this man to your place

Maybe his hands can help you forget

Please be stronger than your past

The future may still give you a chance

The future, the future, not the past
That scar on your face

That beautiful face of yours

Don’t you think that I know

They hurt you before

Interpretive

Remember those Jax dreams I had mentioned a few posts back? Margaret shined some light on things by stating that the memories/dreams aren’t about inherently bad things, but rather, the opposite. They had positive perspectives, no fighting, just love. I spun my dreams as bad things because it reminded me of old dead emotions that hurt. I still ache because of her. All the while my mind is wondering how something benign had turned into such a force of devastation. 

Well I’m all about alternating points of view. It was nice to have some insight into these memories and dreams. I think that I will handle things differently the next time this happens. I can learn to accept remembering or inventing things about Jax as long as they don’t poison me with pain. I don’t have any anger anymore, just sadness… but it’s the ache of loss that hurts the most. Since these memories don’t mention sadness or loss, I intend to take them as is. 

Well, that’s it for me tonight.