Going

It’s been a while since I checked in, and that’s largely for encouraging reasons. I tend to feel the need to write when things are turbulent, and within the past two weeks things have been pretty good. I have been taking the Latuda for a while now and I think the 40 mg dose is having an effect. My mood has been better, and my energy is up a bit. I’m back to a good level of exercise and my sleep has been fairly consistent. 

I am more resolved now than ever before to stay single and live my life the way I want. I don’t need approval from anyone but myself. My intent is to do the best job I can being who I am  and hold my head up with the realization of that. I’m severely mentally ill, but I won’t let that own my life. 

Will came down and visited, which was really great. We hung out like the old days and it reminded me of all the good times we’ve had together. We have been hanging out online and playing games with friends lately which has been excellent fun. The longer this pattern goes on the happier I’ll be. 

I’ve had some hard times in the recent past. I have also taken action when I noticed things were getting bad. I have been trying to be friends with Amanda, but I feel like I felt right before I broke up with her. It’s the same pattern of frustration and I don’t think I have any relevance to her anymore, or ever at all. I thought I could help her get a fresh start and provide guidance as someone who has successfully recovered from total life collapse, but I have doubts as to my messages being understood. Mind you, my life collapse was not as severe as hers, but many of the parallels should be noted. I have wisdom to give, though it is not “fun” to hear. Often times recovery isn’t about making the easy choice, but the one we must face down in order to go farther. Progress is earned, and the reward is pride. I don’t think Amanda gets that, which is still painful to see unfold. 

All I want is to help. I care about some people, and I don’t hesitate to offer assistance to those who need it, whether they ask for it or not. Sometimes help is a hug, or a smack in the face, but it serves a purpose either way, and that is to promote and acknowledge healthy behaviors. I myself have taken this type of advice and adopted regular meditation to my bedtime routine. I’m very reluctant to meditate because it is ridiculously hard to calm my mind for more than a couple of seconds. It’s a huge battle for me, but it is part of training my mind and to have control over my thoughts. People told me to be more mindful, and here I am implementing that in my personal reality. As a result, I have conclusively increased the sleep stage that provides me with a rested feeling the next day (Fitbit calls this: deep sleep). I was averaging less than an hour per night, and waking up feeling groggy and I was behind schedule. Since the meditation, that number has risen to more than an hour and a half, and I’ve had several excellent mornings in a row now. I do indeed practice what I preach. 

I hope you all have a good night. I’m happy that tomorrow is Thursday and we are but a stone’s throw from the weekend. Jubilation! 

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Burning Out

Remember how I said that Sunday was my last family activity? I forgot to mention my parents are moving as well, and as of this afternoon that task too will be completed. Meanwhile, I’m barely hanging on. My energy is in the tank, my attitude sucks and my motivation has shriveled up and died. It has been a grueling week plus a few days. 

However, by the time late afternoon gets here, I really will be left alone to have my weekend. I can relax and regain some inertia. This run has taxed me, and there have been consequences. Mainly, I drive much more aggressively than I have in the past. I need to stop doing that because it is dangerous and not beneficial. I also blew up at this lady who asked me if I could plug her dual diagnosis site. At first I told her yes, back earlier in the week, but as you can see, I haven’t had the strength to post until now. She poked me yesterday asking if I had done my favor for her, and I told her I’d post it when I was good and ready, if at all. If I’m the one helping you out, don’t prod me to get me to do it faster. That’s infuriating. So, I’m not going to post her content as a reminder to myself and others: treat me with respect, and you will be treated with the same… treat me like an idiot and count me out. 

It’s an hour before my alarm goes off. I just had a series of perturbing dreams that I clearly remember, for once (a byproduct of hugely reduced cannabis intake). I dreamed about Amanda, and that I was kicking the shit out of her ex husband. But he was like, unstoppable. He insisted on annoying me and no matter how hard I hit him or choked him or smashed his face with bricks, he just kept coming. He tore my Fitbit off my arm, he stole my phone, he was standing over me while I was in bed, it gets weirder from there. Amanda and I tried to have sex but he was right there and I couldn’t get hard. It was totally strange. Then there was an alien invasion and people were being harvested and taken up to the mothership. We were all fugitives running from safe house to rendezvous point. For some reason or another, Amanda and I had to split up. I cried because I knew we were both going to be caught before we reached the next safe place, and I was never going to see her again. It was a strange dream with a bummer ending. 

Today I’m finishing up the move for my parents. We are hauling food to the new apartment. After today, moving time will be over. I can’t tell you how badly I need the time off. I also really want to see Carly but she’s been busy for the last two months. A product of circumstance, mind you. I still believe Carly is repulsed and also not interested in talking about my herpes, which will relegate our relationship to a platonic state. I guess I don’t mind that, since I was the one who did this to myself. I can’t expect anyone to want to have sex with me anymore. 

Well blog, one more day. 

End

I made it to the end of the day and I am glad for it. This weekend has been the most conflicted and most emotionally taxing one I’ve had in distant memory. It was a constant battle to resist my urges and stay true to my goal. Now at the conclusion, I am well-fed and at peace, ready to pass some time before going to bed. 

Do you ever get that feeling like all you want to do is get in bed and hide? I’ve had that feeling since 7 am. I knew that there was an appropriate time to acknowledge that, but it wasn’t until just now. Yet another thing I had to hold myself back from. 

Tomorrow I go back to work, and the schedule aught to help me stay focused. It’s the long stretches of unstructured time that I struggle with. Tonight, all I have left to do is relax and enter a peaceful sleep. My fit bit tells me I’m getting a whole lot more R.E.M. sleep than when I was smoking, hence the dream I had earlier. That’s really the one potential snag in this equation: nightmares. I could be ruined tomorrow if I have a terrible nightmare. My very first dream in months last night was a nightmare. Not a great sign. Nightmares alter my neurochemistry which has an immediate impact on my life. Not something most of you have to worry about. 

I got a chance to chat with friends today. Played some games. Did chores, and kept myself distracted. I’m proud of myself for not caving in. I never even opened the drawer. 

I hope the rest of your Sunday goes well. 

Dreaming Again

If there is as aspect to regular marijuana use That I have become somewhat dependent on, it is dream suppression. Why would that be a good thing you ask? Most people enjoy dreaming for the most part, but I am consistently tortured by it. 

Tonight I had dreams, and was eaten by a dragon, which may not seem like a big deal until you appreciate just how vivid and horrific that experience really was. Fictional? Yes. Terrifying? Also yes. This is but a brief glimpse into what my dreams are usually like. 

So I know I’m still doing the right thing in quitting, but I don’t much like all these side effects. Most of you have no problems dreaming and marking them as irrelevant, but my dreams can ruin my next day, spin me into depression or anxiety and generally haunt me throughout. I do not like dreaming, it is a liability. 

So as I forge ahead with my self-imposed sobriety, I now must accept that I will dream, and chances are, it won’t be much fun. 

I’m Walking Forward…

I can see now that this path I’m on is rather desolate, but it is the one I have relegated myself to walk. I must come to terms with that fact and embrace the future and the new horizon that lies ahead. Even though the diversity of my reality has been limited in some ways, it has been enhanced in others. Some ways even¬† that I have not yet come to realize, I’ll be willing to bet. This process is unlike anything I have done in my life, or even felt remotely capable of doing. To be alone. To survive, and be utterly alone. To have happiness, and be alone.

I wish I knew if I was going to be really happy. If I knew that this path would take me there, I would feel no reservation about committing myself to it. Instead, I’m highly skeptical that there is anything like happiness to be had within the understanding of myself. I am not a happy person, I’m a depressed person, and it takes a lot of extra energy to make me a happy person. Usually the energy can come from someone else, and the burden of being happy is much lighter on me. But alone, I have to will the feeling out of my inmost self and paste it across my face for everyone to see. I feel most happy when someone is loving me. I can’t feel that way by myself, no matter how much I profess to love who I am, the two things are not comparable. Is this whole path a folly?

In my core, I know I need to do this. I need to prove it to myself that I am a complete person who is capable of being happy unaided. Consistently and truly. I will not have fully understood who I am until I try to accomplish that. I hope I succeed, but either way, you bloggomites will be here every step of the way. I have shown you utter failure before; it is my intention that I won’t have to again.

Levels

Things are progressing nicely towards our first physical meeting. I, unfortunately, am sick at the moment with a stomach bug, and have cancelled said meeting which was planned for today. The truth of why is the best part. First, the only way I can give her the bug would be to kiss her or to have her put her lips on something that had previously had my lips on it. As this was how I got it. However, she wanted to cancel the meeting because she wanted there to be”no restrictions” at our first meeting. Dang! First meeting? I was all ready to do a hand holding meeting for coffee first before even considering a next move. Nope, she wants zero restrictions. I’m pretty okay with that.

So now the plan is to drive up to Universal Studios and go to Harry Potter zone together. IF… it materializes, that would be a truly fun day. Expensive, but also very exciting and I’d get to spend it with a shockingly beautiful woman. My heart would barely be able to contain itself with her on my arm. She’s very interesting blog, and she has this idea of me that is truly flattering and makes me feel proud in a way. I know that’s who I am, but to see it renewed in her eyes and through her words is remarkable. It’s genuine adoration and interest.

She LIKES me blog, and I like her. She is someone who is similar me in some ways but vastly different in others. Those ways we contrast make us the unique people we are, and in those differences are countless memories and experiences from vastly different branches of development. We have these things to share with each other, not for the sake of contrast, but for education. I want to know what her life was like, so I can better understand the person she became because of it.  Kendra fascinates me deeply, and I am just starting to understand who she is. I have real emotions of fondness and lust growing towards her, with deep and powerful roots.

I don’t know what the future will hold but I am going to be fully enraged in exploring this new development in my life. I’m melting her into a puddle blog, I really am.