…And We’re Back!

I haven’t blogged in a while, mainly because I have been so overloaded that the itch to write was stomped out temporarily. Life does tend to get hard for stretches, but it’s the hard things we do that make us who we are and represent what we stand for. Personally, there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for my family, but I am also aware how much energy that costs.

Moral of the story is, we survived family reunion and moving back to back, and now a much deserved return to normalcy. Starting this week, I will have only myself to worry about again, which I sincerely needed. This release of the weight I had been carrying has left me the excess to do things like, blog, for example. I know I wrote a little from the heat of it, but I was pissed off and grumpy in general. I certainly don’t feel that way now.

Getting back to work was a tough transition, but I made it. I got through my day and came out the other side feeling pretty nominal. I guess this is our mark on the post blog. From here, we will see as the week goes on if I manage to fulfill my physical health goals and still keep a high level of energy for the rest of my life. I am thinking right now I don’t feel tired, or anxious, or anything but comfortable. If I’m significantly lower than this by 7:40 pm Friday, I’ll have some clue that I need to change something else in my life to foster a better energy environment. Whatever that happens to be…

Goodnight for now blog. See? Happy post. Not angsty post. Happy post.

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Almost

The end of Sunday is approaching and I’m down to one more social event for the remainder of the weekend. The social will continue on into tomorrow as we are doing another family dinner then too. It’s been 3 days of happy times, laughing, drinking beer, smoking a little weed and generally relaxing in the sun. I have no complaints, however the taxation of my energy level remains another matter entirely. I feel like I’m running on fumes headed into this last little dinner thing we are having tonight. It’s not going to be much, but it’s still going out and putting on a show. People love the show, mind you, so my presence is welcome. I generally feel nourished being around all my family too, which adds a bit of fuel to the fire. I am making it and I am doing a great job. I am also getting lots of positive feedback which has helped bolster my confidence. I know the person I am and so does everyone else, and we all agree I’m pretty cool.

 

I’m going to take a break from this blog post and write the rest of it when I get back from the party. Continuation below.

 


 

Well other than the elaborate conservative vs. liberal argument about new parent’s dependance on state provided services to raise a child, it was an okay evening. Hopefully a healthy difference of opinion doesn’t ruin their already tenuous relationship. For my part I talked and cleaned up after dinner and had a good time overall. I’m home now and in my jams, just where I hoped I’d be right about now. Sadly, this :45 minutes of peace and solace bumps right against bed-time. Tomorrow is another day jammed from start to finish with more shit to do. I think though I don’t have anything on Tuesday.

 

I’m in a pessimistic place right now and I want to rant but holding myself back. Right now ranting about things I have no control over isn’t going to help me realize anything new, and is certainly not causing a reduction in the feelings. I’m better off just swallowing my thoughts and granting them some internal recognition: yes I think that behavior is pretty negative, yes the way I am being treated is not particularly respectful, yes eventually there you will know for certain and there will be resolution of sorts. I don’t mind the waiting but it is hard to watch a slow death of something that at one time looked very promising. I’m being ambiguous intentionally. 

Well it’s my bed time. I partied, I lived the life. Now reality will be mashing pans together at 4:15 tomorrow morning and I need to be ready. So goodnight. 

Up

Hello again Blog. I have been proactive in my silence, pushing myself out of the depressed slump I was in with good mental and physical health practices. Last week, I did another step competition with my cousin’s wife and worked my fucking ass off. I also kept a positive attitude and remained in charge of my rampant anxiety as the days (and triggers) went by. I had a meeting with my therapist on Friday to go over what I had done and what else I still could do to further promote my good mental health. She recommended I spend some time meditating, which I fully intend to do at some point here today and into the future. I’m pretty terrible at it though. as you know, I have been in a bit of a trough, but I have clearly pulled above that back to some semblance of normal/functional. It was a lot of energy, but at the same time, I got tons of energy in from all the eating good food and exercise. I want to continue this trend for as long as it is sustainable.

I have had a little trouble getting good sleep, but I know what that is. I have scaled down my weed intake and that usually causes sleep problems at first. I think I have been using weed to help myself feel better about being alone, and that’s not healthy. It should be recreational, not a crutch. So I have implemented a hiatus until I can feel good and be alone without the need to get high. I don’t know how long that might take, but the weed isn’t helping me feel genuinely happy and I can’t have it obfuscating my objective of finding happiness inside myself.

I hope you all have had a good weekend so far. I am going to see my Uncle for his 60th birthday today. We will have a party and it will be nice. Also this month my family are all coming together down at the beach house for a week. I can’t wait to see them all and spend good quality time with everyone. I really treasure my extended family and how close I am with them. My cousins and I grew up like brothers and sisters all having adventures together or just hanging out. It’s really special when everybody gets to come together to have a laugh and a drink. Good times.

Be well blogomites, the new week is upon us and I greet it with bright eyes and a bushy tail.

Weight

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and many anxious thoughts to go along with them. My family wants to move back to Sacramento so they can be with my sister and her son (in August). They want me to come too. 

How smoothly I would be able to make the transition? The more I think about it the more rife with peril it is. My mom wants me to come live on her dime while I find work. I can’t do that from a strictly moral standpoint. I’m an adult, and I make an income. I will not be a dependent. That’s a road that leads straight to loss of identity and depression. What if it drags on? Then what? This situation presents many problems that there aren’t solutions for. 

At least for the foreseeable future, I invision myself here. I’m stable here. I have a job with status. I make more than I ever have in my life. Giving all of that up is pretty dramatic, and in exchange for a very unstable circumstance. I want to be there at this special time for my family, but I don’t see how they can ask me be, being who I am. I am constantly cost benefitting this situation. My results have been pretty consistent, as has the tone of this post. 

I think I need my independent life. I have never really had it, and now I want to nurture it. I’m surviving out here. I’m so fucking proud of that. I want to continue to show myself that I can hang in the real world. You can’t ask me to push the reset button and move half way across the state. My whole life would change, and I can’t handle that thought right now. I’m already doing so much to get myself right…

Blog, I’m very torn. My psychologist said I should do what’s best for my mental health. Yeah thanks. Very insightful. My only course is just to keep on going. My lease isn’t up until November. I don’t have to make a decision until then, even though I think I already have. 

These thoughts and the anxieties they create have been my anguish of late. Hopefully rest tonight pacifies them. 

Wild

Score: 3.5

Well it has been an interesting last few days. Amanda and I went from serious fight to swooning with lust in the span of 24 hours, I have recognized that I am cycling again, and my mom is falling off the deep end into depression. 

On the relationship front, Amanda’s homeless friend Kasey is nearing the end of permissible stay while living off Amanda and turning her apartment into a biohazard. We were fighting about said degenerate when I got a little psychotic with rage. All the while Amanda has had her friend there, she made it seem like friend was buying food, and taking care of the apartment. In actuality, Kasey took $500 from Amanda (putting her short on rent) and was going out nightly leaving her autistic son with Amanda to babysit. Now Kasey needs to go. So I got a little upset when I discovered the situation Amanda had put herself in. She says she was doing it for Kasey’s son, but still, there’s a time and a place for charity. When you have no income and every dollar is precious you can’t be just giving it to some loser you are acquainted with. So I got pissed. And we had a fight about it. 

The evening after detonation, we worked things out and resolved that Amanda would spend the night the following day. We had an even more involved conversation together when she came over in which I really felt connected with her. She told me I was the smartest guy she had ever been with, and I told her she was the most creative woman I had ever been with. Then the lust started. We had sex like it can be during that initial curious passion that derives from the onset of intimacy. We did it over and over as though we were suddenly new lovers discovering each other for the first time. It carried on into the next morning, while I was all dressed at 4 am ready for work. Unexpected much? 

Things became turbulent again when Amanda’s doctor did not clear her to return to work. She’s still depressed, but now her life is on the verge of being destroyed if she can’t make some money, rapidly. She was telling me how she’s probably just going to be homeless, and I was again alarmed. I encouraged her to redouble her efforts ahead of the next meeting with her psychiatrist so that she can get clearance to return to her old job. I encouraged her to fight to repair her independent life as letting your life get smashed into pieces is a lot more work to rebuild than it would have been to fix it before it disintegrated. 

I just got back from a meeting with my psychologist, which went very well. I told her that over the last 6 weeks I have been experiencing slightly elevated states which last 10 days or do, followed by periods where depression symptoms emerge, also lasting about the same length of time. My scores over this span tell the same story. So we decided to try a different pattern of dosing the Lithium while adding another 300mg, bringing me to a standard 1500mg. I’m to start taking it in the mornings as well. So that was good, and as a direct result of my observations. 

I need to go fix my parent’s relationship as my mom is spiraling out of control with meds that don’t work and bad mental health practices. She needs a reminder about what’s important as she tends to digress when she’s having symptoms. Life doesn’t always work out how we hope it would, but resenting your husband for suffering a crippling disease because now you can’t go to Italy for your 40th wedding anniversary? What’s more important, a vacation you can’t have, or your lifelong partner who needs you now more than ever? She is in a dream world that she thinks will make her happy. I need to bring her back down to the reality that we are all bound to, whether we accept it or not. 

It’s been a tough week, but I’m on an upswing, so it’s not too bad. Boy would I be fucked if last weeks down had carried over. 

Have a good night. 

Graduation

Score: +2

Well blog, training is over and it’s time to get back to the other part of my job. I am truly exhausted having crossed the finish line intact. My guys got the knowledge they need to succeed, now I just hope they can implement it. I will be listening and helping all the while. 

In my personal life, things have been changing all around me. Amanda has taken in a homeless friend and her son. I think this has been both good and potentially bad. The friend helps out with groceries and promised to pay rent, but Amanda can’t have anyone move in. However, the friend is also a potentially destructive person and where she goes, drama goes along too. So far, Amanda has steered clear of bad friend. She deals with good friend currently. I just hope Amanda gets stable with or without friend. We shall see. 

I just wish I had more energy. I stopped the Buspar. I don’t think it was actually doing anything. I have noticed zero change in anxiety levels. I’m generally the boss of my anxiety these days. So why buy the medication if it no longer provides benefit? My anxiety was never truly the main mental health symptom I experience. Depression and psychosis take that hands down. Anxiety is a small part of the whole thing. Contributor to bigger problems, mind you, so not insignificant. I think the stability is due in part to the Geodon and Lithium. The Welbutrin helps some, but I’ve also taken that drug for a REALLY long time, and has no doubt diminished in potency. Even though I’m on a crazy dose of the shit. More than prescribed max dose. And no one is helping Seretonin. Every SSRI or SSNRI I try I fail on. Things look good at first, but after a couple years, it all goes to shit. It happened to me 3 different times and nearly cost me everything twice. So I don’t know why we don’t try SOMETHING for Seretonin. I have been feeling strong, but very bland. I lack zip. I used to have zip, but I’m more like blop these days. I need to think about all the meds again coming up in early January. I highly doubt any changes will be made. I’m not in crisis. 

My mom though, she needs to go get her meds evaluated. I had an intervention with her the other night. I really put it all out there. She needs to start the process and get an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as possible and have her meds evaluated by a professional. She needs to rebuild her mental health, which has become a bit dilapidated. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch her down spiral. My duty as a son will not allow me to stand by and see the matriarch in peril without taking action. Not to mention the fact that  we mentally ill people have a bond to each other to help, since only we truly know what it is like to suffer as we so uniquely do. I stepped in and told my mom just how important she was to us all and how much we (my dad and I) love her. I had some advice about how to reframe her expectations to avoid constantly disappointing herself. Reality is not what you’d like it to be. It’s more like being surprised by the contingency you were least prepared for. Sometimes it’s a rock solid gut shot that takes you down to one knee, but that’s the way it goes. You can either roll over and die or you can get up and ask for another. I’m not letting anyone on my team surrender. I’m going to do everything I can to help my mom and Amanda, each with their own unique struggle. I have the strength to give, just not the money to make much of a logistical difference. Sadly. 

But things are changing all the time. The future remains unwritten. I am just going to keep on pushing my life forward. I’m doing ok. Overall. Night. 

Grog

Score: +2.5

Well things got off to a slow start today. I was difficult to motivate, but once I got going my momentum seemed to level off. I did review today in training and had them start transcribing all the handwritten notes they had taken. It was a good summarization of the material in an of itself. They have a couple more hours of that to go for tomorrow. 

Meanwhile I had a slow weekend. I did lots of work, but things seemed to crawl by. I spent what energy I had cleaning, with traces left over for the rest of the day. I didn’t carry anything in reserve on into the week. 

Today was also busy, but for a good cause. I got a tree today, and my mom and I decorated it this afternoon. It’s quite lovely, festive and a good forward look at what Christmas morning at my place will be like. I’m hosting the fam and Amanda. It will be good times of the yes. 


This is me in the dark wrapped up in my sheets looking out. It is a glowing world out there in the cold dark. I think I will leave it on all night. 

This week is going to be good. I can already tell things are headed in a positive direction. No doubt. Now, if only the energy would catch on and provide me with a much needed boost.