Farewell

My dating account will go unused in lieu of how terrible I feel about it all. What am I doing? I need some time to myself. This grasping for companionship is stupid and wrong. I still hurt in my heart and I’m already moving to the next distraction. Shame.

Instead I’m going to not be a dick. I’m in no shape to be in a partnership. I have too much life right now. My situation does not lend itself to a liberty of choice. I’m not focused on the right things.

I have better things I could be doing. There’s still a lot of shit I need to be responsible for. I have a reality to occupy my attention indefinitely. I’m all done.

Before The Group…

I’m sitting here getting ready for my support group. I will admit I’m having some symptoms: anxiety is spiking, depressed thoughts are chewing away at me, and a general sense of dread hangs overhead.

I long for that daily conversation I used to have with A. Now there is a silence that my wheels spin frantically in. I was engaged, and now, no one really cares what happens in my world.

I’ve started talking to other women. There are a few that have responded to my replies. I’m kinda rebounding hard, but this is what happened last time. I had a falling out only to be picked back up again almost immediately. I’m that circumstance back in June, I should have been more conservative. A and I were in bed together on our second date. I don’t want anything like that now. I’m still hurting.

I’d really enjoy talking to someone again. Having a chat buddy to catch up with on the day’s events. Someone who wants to see inside me. It’s so intoxicating to be cared about. I wish I could share my perspective with someone who admired me.

My group will go great tonight. I’ve got a lot I bring as facilitator and person living with mental illness. However, I just want tonight to be done. I’m feeling like I need to close my eyes and shut out the world for a while. I am alone here and feeling like I’m nailed to the shore as the tide comes in.

Feelings

I have a lot of explaining I want to do. Let me gush. Pour out my intentions and hope that somehow it’s all understood. Security is so precious in such insecure times. The ebb and flow can just as easily rip apart what it had just brought together. I often find myself perplexed by outcomes.

I’m always trying to adapt better to my circumstance. My carnal inclinations nonwithstanding, I try to approach things rationally. What presents the best odds for success? What scenario preserves mental health most effectively? I guess wrong a lot, but right too sometimes. My current plateau of success is due in large part to that, but is still picked by failure.

My world is not without turbulence. Disruptions are frequent, and I must evolve or perish.

Right now, all the pieces are swirling about. Like dispersed seeds. Where is down? How is stop?

I get close but still, there is only the guess of ground for which to build my empire. I’ve lost many units and now is not the time to stop.

Promise

I’m going to use better tools; the process has begun. Creativity, exercise, expression and ventilation are the means to achieving a better path forward. Better than escape, denial and repression.

I’m back to writing again in my fiction world. A story about legacy. Story XII I do believe will be out soon on the Kingdom site.

I dislike my predicament. I’m not sure how to rectify my circumstance given that it is largely out of my control. Whether people come or go. Live or die. Care or hate. Ignore or respond. Deny or acknowledge. Suppress or express.

I have less ambiguity but more rage. The flippancy factor of life & death should not be higher than zero! Ever!

I’m embroiled but working my way through the caustic marsh. I have healthy outlets at my disposal. I do wish I had not pushed away people that could be commiserating with me. My best buddy has been distant and I know he must be going through some shit. It’s a down time all around. I do have my “A,” who has been a shining light in an otherwise dark room. I really laugh with her. Fully. Healthily. Gutturally. There’s realness there that is holding me on a narrow path toward sanity.

I’m going to handle this whole thing with tactfully responsive ineptitude, but inevitably, I’ll emerge covered in shit but alive.

Greatz

By girlfriend and I have been doing really well; great in fact. I laugh with her (uproariously), and we are communicating very effectively in all area. I’ve had my share of symptoms and so has she yet we keep working through and finding constructive ways to share. That’s what relationships are all about.

Since the med change my mood has been better and more stable. I wake up a bit more groggy but not dealing with the chronic depression symptoms. No psychotic symptoms/precursors. Things in the neurochemical department are stabilizing.

I know I’m not doing so great in the physical domain. My body feels poopy. I’m feeding it bad food consistently. I’m not getting as much exercise. Being conscious of this is half my struggle, and I’ll take the next step by avoiding the temptations of the world around me. Well, at least lower the frequency at which I partake. Small steps.

I am feeling strong in my profession and in my will to continue with my career path. I’m doing the things I need to in order to advance myself occupationally and in terms of preserving my mental health. I have ventured into new areas/opportunities and am all the more well-rounded because of it. I feel very hopeful about this trajectory I’m on, and fortunate.

What the future holds is still uncertain but I do know I’m working hard to achieve positive outcomes both professionally and personally.

I love her. I’m dedicated to building a future where my girlfriend and I can be together indefinitely. This is a happy time. I’m lucky that the circumstance has befallen me such that I’m now in this position to love, be loved and thrive.

Thinkypants

I got to thinking how fortunate I am. At this time in my life, I have a support person that I adore. She is a genuine fit in my life, and our differences are such that there is much to learn from each other; many things to explore. She’s already taught me so much, and dramatically improved my internet savvy.

I struggle with my feelings at times, but she inspires my strength. Critter was such a salvation at a time when most alone, contemplative and sad. I have been with my thoughts all day and having her far away aided me in realizing just how much I love her. She has a positive effect on my wellbeing and life, and I’ve seen real change since she came into frame.

I’ve been holding my logical reservations and my emotional desires in balance in my dialectical model. “Healthy” is equilibrium with introspection. I don’t feel in any way polarized, but appreciative. Here’s a woman who will put up with my nonsense; someone who improves the quality of life I once held as standard. Someone who points me towards a better future.

So I have been thinking, and feeling. I’m looking back and feeling grateful. I have such a blessing, during a very turbulent time. It’s with her help that I’ll make it through, I believe. It’s a test, and one that I’m more ready for because of her.

Yesterday’s Flapjacks

I keep finding things I regret in my scoring:

.3 per put out is way too much. This makes 1B the most valuable position player in the game

1.25 per batter DPT is too much. Nerfed.

-.6 per K for batters is not harsh enough. Strikeouts are a sin against the Baseball gods.

.75 per IP is not enough. Pitchers don’t compare with position players. Also 1 per APP is not juicy enough either.

These are just some examples. I want balance damnit! No position should be preferable. Just like in my FFL leagues; rosters are based on previewed talent assessments not scoring advantages.

But why batter defensive plays? I do believe they should be rewarded because its incremental accomplishments that plug on both aspects of position player stats. It’s boring to only care when they’re at the plate. However, I needed my numbers to still promote balance despite the events piling up for certain players. So, I diminished some and buffed others.

Batting & Fielding

Runs 0.75

Singles 1.25

Doubles 2.5

Triples 4.5

Home Runs 5

Runs Batted In 1

Stolen Bases 2

Caught Stealing -1.5

Walks 0.5

Strikeouts -1

Put Outs 0.08

Assists 0.12

Errors -3

Outfield Assists 4.25

Double Plays Turned 0.8

Pitching Scoring Categories

Pitching Appearances 2

Outs Recorded ( 1/3 IP) 1

Wins 8

Losses -5

Saves 8

Hits -0.35

Earned Runs -1

Home Runs -2

Walks -0.15

Strikeouts 1

Balks -2

Grounded Into Double Plays 1.5

Holds 4

Pickoffs 4

Blown Saves -6

Still stayed true to my beliefs and edged true offensive achievement over big piles of defensive stats. Now increments break ties and keep my scoreboard popping with green no matter who is on the field. I feel like this configuration sticks in my happy zone.

Welcome to Whammy Slammy Susan III!!

First week saw my landslide victory over hopeless Bangle-Doof. Poor bastard lost by 103. My scoring was an overall nerf compared to WSS2 scoring. I like that.

The standings are a three way tie for first with DerpyDerpDerp leading in points. I climbed up from third to second. This week I get FaceWaster V, which has been bad news for me. His pitchers come through when I’m in the reticle. We shall see if he stays lucky.

In other news, I’m doing alright. Dad has been ailing lately. I remain aloof thinking that I have no clue what to expect but aware trajedeybmay be very near. “A,” who I will henceforth refer to as Critter, and I are doing very well. It’s more than three weeks in and things are still clicking. Discovery is happening and we are enjoying our time together. She’s curious about me which I find totally intoxicating.

The sex is unbelievable. I’ve never been more in tune with anyone before. We are dialing in on our comforts, and finding the ways we fit well together. I do light her up, and feel so very appreciated for the way we are together. She does EVERYTHING Blog. Dang yo.

My dreams have been confusing and I know there is some lingering part of me that remains unreconciled post Cheyenne. I don’t know what to do with that. Maybe it’s safe to be a friend now that I’m in a sexual relationship, but maybe because of my past attraction to her that’s not a good idea. I don’t like the way it all happened, but there has only been uneasy silence when it comes to the beat and not the appetizers. I broke it and now I’m trying to super glue it back together. It’s probably a waste of time, but I never like hurting people and just walking away.

I think about the future. Critter and I are thinking about the road ahead. So many more steps to make before logic agrees with emotion. She’s an investment I’m glad to make though. She tolerates my nonsense like a pro. Keeper status earned.

Have a great week Blogomites!