I’ve been doing better in terms of self care. I started exercising, which is helping improve body condition and energy. I’m organizing my responsibilities on my own without oversight, for the benefit of my mental health. Life can get poo-flingaliscious at times, and coping is really the only action; defense being impossible. Can you stop a river from flowing with your hands? Let me know how that goes if you happen to try.
Just getting used to the smell is about the only thing that one can control. We all still have to share the planet together. There’s no where else to go to be away from each other. Doing combat has this inevitable consequence of casualties, and dead people aren’t much use at doing anything but becoming unpleasant mush. This whole way of resolving issues is destructive. Hard to seek shelter under a house with no roof?
Some semblance of resentment-free acceptance being the driving mechanism is the key. Acceptance is not swallow or stash. I try to replicate this behavior in my own life, to the best of my highly unpracticed ability. It’s something worth trying, as the results could be foundational.
I’m always “lofty ideals” and “unrealistic pants” out here sometimes. Not this time. This is an act of control and reconsideration. The more it is used, the better a tool it can become. And a tool to be used to pound reason into the otherwise empty chamber pot most people have attached to their top of their necks. Fill those heads with feces and urine or it gets the hammer!
I’ve managed to reclaim 60% of my reserves of giveashittedness back from the abyss of things that are entirely out of my control. I’ve demonstrated humility and preferred Albacore when being fish-slapped into shape.
Hai, it me, the Cat. Halp me peeze? I’m a trap here in dis toopid haus wit dees toopid Hoomans. Dey no has good fud, no has give what I want. I no like dem. Need halp to run way never come back. Tell ovver Cats what happening. Tell dem!! Halp… I go bed soon. Not remember dis tomorrow.
I filled out this silly character sheet like thing way back in the beginning (2012). Perceptions have changed a bit since then, needless to say. The original can be found here for comparison.
- Called: W. Eric Bailey
- Height: 6′ 2″ (I didn’t shrink)
- Weight: 235 lbs
- Demeanor: Proactive buddy-pal
- Character: Desirous intoxicant
- Self-Image: Large, well organized Ant farm
- Attributes (5): optimistic, persistent, rational, adaptable, archaic
- Nature: Curmudgeon
- Abilities (2): technologically savvy, personable relatability
- Human vs. Animal Ratio?: Human 88% Animal 12%
- Fight or Flight?: Flight
- Brawn or Brains?: Brains
- Truth or Dare?: Truth
- Sky or Horizon?: Horizon
- Introverted or Extroverted?: Extroverted!!
- Night or Day?: Day
- Red or Blue?: Red
- Yellow or Green?: Yellow
- Risk or Reserved?: Reserved
- Lies or Honesty?: Really?
- Who you are now?: Dwanglebleeg L. Magoobriuston
- Who you want to be?: An artichoke named Susan
- What is the best part of you?: I can translate for the cat
- What is your biggest flaw?: splat-like eagerness
- What drives you?: The promise of tomorrow
- What inspires you?: True understanding
- What is your conscience like?: Chuck Norris on one shoulder and Joni Mitchell on the other
- Who were you?: Not a friend of self
- What do others see in you?: Whatever I show them
- What do you see in yourself?: someone who has “been weighed, measured and found wanting.”
My trajectory has been unclear recently, or, wobblier than usual. Symptoms have cost me much of the momentum I had going, but not forever.
These down times are a regular event in my town. We get out the fancy streamers and everyone dresses up like sad clowns. Tickets available on StubHub.
Point being, I’ve survived worse and more help is on the horizon.
I have recently established a career path that is ever curving toward a fully self-sustaining state. 40 hours a week. I can, quite literally, raise money to pay my salary through my own actions. A successful grant or two would accomplish that. This is the full time plateau I have sought.
I have been here with me the whole time, and I can say with confidence that he is doing about as well as he ever has. I’m pleased that he hasn’t imploded into a singularity or shattered the world with recklessly destructive explodination-related incendiary activities.
Fight! Do not let Toejamela McHosebeasterson put the sweaty foot to your throat. There is a shitload left to do our here in the world. Are you going to let Moopybritches Sucktoadersplats kick your ass today? I didn’t think so Charlie Championship. So grab your vitamin water and spiked cudgel and get out there! Let’s do this!!
My pep talks only work on the hopelessly insane.
Got extra steps and sun time in today since I had been feeling down. I called a psychiatrist and got another job interview, so I’d say that was productive. I did some good things for myself.
In other news, a spider is in my room somewhere, hidden, waiting. I had my chance to kill it, as it was a particularly unfriendly looking arachnid. However, it deployed some form of countermeasure and escaped destruction. I’m thinking Bears are behind this.
I feel pretty detached from my sexuality. After separating my focus from topics without solutions, I’ve done a lot better managing my emotions. My sex drive basically shut off, with no object of desire at all within the scope of reality, no future, no investment to make. The flame has been snuffed.
I continue to find my place in this new city of mine. Trees are friend, it has been known for some time. I’ve lost my fishing impulse. It just, doesn’t feel fun. Clearly, this is depression affecting me slightly. I can push through with simple survival in mind, and very likely be okay. I do hope to hear back from the psychiatrist next week and get something scheduled.
Though I am clearly struggling, I am coping. I express, process and move forward. My hope is to achieve stability and prosperity again, while still being able to protect those I love.
The cat, on the other hand, vexes. Since Moo bought healthier rabbit meat kibbles, they have been soundly rejected in comparison to the previous variety of fleshy rabbit freeze-dried meat hunks. As you are about to see, the fantastic enthusiasm leading up to the moment food arrives could not have been more disappointing.
I’m taking some verbal abuse on a daily basis and I’m finally getting irritated. Recently, the scale and earnestness in which I am being berated has recently ramped-up. I’m starting to lose self-respect and motivation to live. I imagine you would too if you were taking THIS sort of abuse on a daily basis at lunchtime.