I’m doing a lot better mentally since I cratered-out the other day. I recognized my biff, corrected, and began the process of moving forward with a new mindset. I really do harm to myself trying to hastily grab for reassurances, companionship and an end to the affectionless wasteland I’ve isolated myself in. It is a terrain of my own making and I must correct that myself before hoping some outside factor will magically poof me to a new venue.
I don’t want to endanger any of the good things I have going either. I forgot how wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who share a common thread of interest, or many. It can be intoxicating, but that’s (again) on me to regulate. I misconstrue friendship often, adding undesired bonus contexts that often ruin the original thing in my greed.
Thoughts on this help me see my mistakes and correct them with changes in behavior. I can still have all the good things I have been enjoying without the turmoil of the land beyond the radiation zone. I can’t imagine ever getting to the point to needing to explain myself fully, and my precarious circumstance. The ideal I have set out for that threshold is unlikely to be met at all. It could be, but I’m not betting on that no matter how much I long for it. My isolation is for a purpose, and entirely my own fault.
Beautiful as she may be, I’ll only ever be in orbit of her world from a distance where gravity’s distant grip only keeps me from being flung off into space.
I probably needed to be reality checked but wasn’t able to do so myself until now. I have a clear view of the important things again, and have fallen back on my active coping tools to help express my nonsensical responses to reality. I need mental discipline. I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself given how emotionally perilous my life already is. My circumstance teeters on catastrophe and I’m running around doing the best I can to tip the balance.
I am still clearly unregulated. Self-combustible. There’s a lot I have left to figure out, but I’m also aware of the likelihood of solitude regardless of this particular circumstance. I’ve said it repeatedly in this space, but yet, I still don’t accept that fate. I rebel, and have little regard for outcomes while starting the inevitable in the face. Well, inevitable is an exaggeration. I should stop smashing other people in to cookie cutters. It’s my poor decision making that led to my own state, and at least now I understand that.
I’m still going to eat shit at some point in the future, but I’ll no doubt learn something new then as well.
Sometimes the lion behind the door is there.
Where there is an absence of language, presumption is allowed to rule. Spun realities that ensnare thoughts in sticky webs.
I always forget to not have unrealistic goals. I yearn to believe even when I shouldn’t.
I’m doing much better lately. Though the absence of calamity foes make for less exciting posts. I met M who is a very neat person and a proprietor of good mental health skills. So rare to find people interested in a career centered on peer support. Friendy times are being had.
Lost in Slammy Susan. Got clipped by five points during a week in which my pitchers rolled over and died. This gameweek already marked by a stellar performance by Snell and some meaningful points earned by Cole. Plus Ozuna had a save yesterday. Good start, but 1st place is crushing me by 35 in the early going. Damn you DerpyDerpDerp. Damn you.
Trying to be both balanced but effective. Measured yet jubilant. M presents new and ponderous opportunities. All houses are built in strong foundations.
It’s the truth that very little of my negative expressions have the weight of intent behind them, but are nevertheless tapping into a deep well of raw feeling. I’m guessing that’s a lot to do with my mental illness, but also to the ease at which I slide to the pole in my own cognitive processes. I think of all the failed moments, the disconnects of understanding… I don’t really wonder anymore why I’m alone, I just know it’s better if it ends up that way. I know I’m nearly intolerable, but in a way, that makes the sliver of those who can grapple with sustainable coexistence all the more special. I know I was as close as I was ever with anything when I loved J. She hates me forever times 8 now, but I’ll never ever forget how she made me feel. It’s all lost… burned up long ago in a pyre of crisping, dead flesh. The past is done, forever unchanging, drawing our attention only as long as we can stand to divert it.
Life forward has been hard, as it is for everyone. We all struggle, but we try not to drown. We don’t want to fail, but sometimes we do anyway. I do the best I can to learn something of benefit, and try to avoid hurting more people even though I end up doing just that sometimes. Does it slap at my sense of self-righteousness? Fuck yes it does. I live with pride, and shame, but neither defines who I am. People today have lost sight of the grey – the unclear fuzzy place between the starkness of polarization. The good, and the bad, living in a neutralized purgatory where both are separate from influencing the other but still hugely relevant. I can see why our view of things in the present moment has become polarized with such prominent examples available of the ease of extremity.
I’m a fool, but also fucking awesome. I do so many good things, and yet, I hurt others. Can we comprehend this contrast without totally imploding or blasting ourselves to thousands of pieces? Doubtful, but hopeful.
Admittedly, Night Guy was a response to a changing circumstance and search for companionship outside of the traditional paradigm. While he was a fun and exciting fellow, he was not sustainable. I have sen now that some contortion is good, but too much compromises integrity.
This album centers its themes on the insanity, bizarre and inexplicably unique way I manifest my persona in this otherwise tranquil world. The motifs include hasty sex, strange comparisons, odd quirks, depression, fanaticism and balance (eventually).
I feel like this very-closely parallels my current mood and temperament. Have at with the exposition!
Mood Album: Spunk-Rocket Poof Station
Length: 75 minutes
- Gemini Dream – The Moody Blues
- Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
- Wild Sex (In The Working Class)
- Something About You – Boston
- Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
- Whiskey In The Jar – Metallica
- Spiderwebs – No Doubt
- Listen Like Thieves – INXS
- Cold As Ice – Foreigner
- Living Dead Girl – Rob Zombie
- Asleep The Snow Came Flying – Tim Story
- Broken Wings – Mr. Mister
- Turn To Stone – Electric Light Orchestra
- Harden My Heart – Quatrerflash
- Praying For Time – George Michael
- In Between Days – The Cure
- South City Midnight Lady – The Doobie Brothers
- Back On The Chain Gang – The Pretenders
Just completed class 6 of 8 for NAMI Peer-To-Peer. Leading flips my sullen to smiley. Today I was feeling depressed for most of the time I was at work. Then I got busy, but occasionally my sadness would flutter back in. It never leaves the room, but it might land somewhere else for a while. I put on my teacher mask and somehow that rejuvenated me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being flattened in a vise. Yet, there is still such joy in life. There are beautiful things happening all around. New people I meet. Fresh faces that have their own stories. I see a future where compassion is the currency. I’m an idiot though. I fumble through doing my best as you have no doubt seen.
I wonder about where my path is going. Abstractly it seems positive, but calamity wears many disguises. I’m lonely enough to fall to my doom over a woman, or become ensnared in the deliberations and reconsiderations of work.
The truth is simple: no one else needs to care if I do. I pine for affection, even here in this vast echo chamber. I give nothing of substance yet expect expect expect. I think the world appreciates me, when I could just as easily be a used gum smudge on the sidewalk. Craving your approval, I bend myself to fit a shape you’d desire. This has always been folly. It continues to be.
Have a good night Blog.