Rebounding

It has been a better day today than yesterday. I continue to make progress out of my low point a couple days prior. I’ve just started to become accustomed to going through a cycle like that every once and a while. It’s not fun, but it’s not the end. 

I’ve decided to both work and earn my BA in english as a short-term future goal. Depression never let me finish college, and I did a lot of coursework at several divergent schools. I should do something with those units. I am beginning the process of gathering all my transcripts now and will continue to do so into next week. Once I have them all collected, I intend to at a school that can get me to where I need to be. I want to keep working, but just use my afterwork time more effectively. I know this might come at a huge energy cost, but I think this is something I can do. 

I just want my life to have meaning. I feel detached from substance, living in a sort of mental purgatory. Part of this is my depression, but I do truly feel my life could be a lot more rich and complete. Maybe then I would feel really and truly happy. Maybe if I was able to salvage something good from my past I could go forward feeling rejuvenated about my new direction. This is something I never finished, and I want to finish it. 

It’s an okay night. 

In The Beginning…

Well blog, I really wanted to get things off to the right start after my lethargic weekend of moping and crying. I wasn’t about to let that carry over in to Monday, and that worked out perfectly. I woke up feeling fine, and ready to get going. I did a 3/4 day in the office then took my work home and got SUPER productive before my time ran out. That felt good.

I got my Fitbit today and did double my normal exercise just to see the numbers come in. I did 2 miles on the elliptical, and two sets of muscle building exercises, and let me tell you, I feel great. I was sweaty, feeling charged-up and really excited to be keeping close track of my physical health. I’m going to start using my breaks to walk .5 mile around the circuit at work and improve my step count. All in all, I’m very excited to be taking control of this aspect of my life. For too long have I let my body go to shit, and the result is poor energy and deteriorating mental health. Those days are over, and now we go up.

I’m thinking a little about Kendra, and I guess that’s to be expected. Things with Carly are right back to where they left off about two weeks ago, but I’m sensing the Kendra story may not be done yet. She is still looking at my profile on Match, which really makes no sense. If she had something to say, she could just text me. As per the usual, I have no clue what’s going on in her head, but undoubtedly she’s pissed at me because I am probably a jerk for wanting to talk about my feelings openly and be responded to with acceptance and compassion.

Carly on the other hand is a superb communicator, and the way we have dialogue is very even and easy. We laugh at each other, make jokes, interpersonal references, you name it. We are, above and beyond, better at communication than Kendra and I ever were. Carly hears me, and she understands my feelings and the words that deliver them. She is open and welcoming, while sincere and honest. There are just so many reasons to like Carly. The formula for a successful relationship is there, it just needs time to become itself. I have a feeling this will happen at some point down the road. My every intent is to find more ways to enmesh my life with hers. She is worth fighting for.

Good times in the self-care department and on the external front as well. Every new day brings me one opportunity closer to changing my life for the better. I am determined to build a healthy and happy me, and then go looking to make a healthy and happy partnership. Hopefully time is the only variable left to consider.

Anyway, today, as I had hoped, was the start of a new chapter. Giddyup.

Crumble

Well my emotions are finally catching up to me blog. I’m stricken by the though of Kendra alone and abandoned in the world. I really liked many things about her, and I mourn the loss of those things. Her assertive attitude and social ambition. I liked her dedication to the things she loved, and her positive outlook. Now I’m here in tears remembering all the reasons I got with her, and how all of that was undone by a greater sum of ugliness.

I had hope, and that hope is dead. It’s hard to have something like that die inside you. The echo and ache of it remains long after the event has passed. I have moved my life forward several steps, but my pain is still there. We had sex blog, and that’s a big deal for me to be close to someone like that and then have to cut them loose. I get attached with sex, and she was really not that way. I had only been with 7 women, and she had been with close to 40 different guys. Mentality difference.

My feelings went unacknowledged and ultimately rejected. I know I made the right choice but I still hurt because I did care for her, and I did want to be with her and be a part of her adventurous life. I must now let these things go. I must release her from my heart because there is no going back.

So George Michael – Older really pushed me over the edge. Fastlove, Spin The Wheel and others delivered gut blow after gut blow until I was in tears. The ache of loss is never any easier no matter how many times it has happened.

Well I’m feeling a bit better. I still stand by my logic, but my emotions play their own game by their own rules. I have to allow time for them to be realized fully, not ignored or partitioned.

What Happens Next?

I’m not confident in the future at this moment because many things remain obfuscated by variables beyond my control. I guess that’s usually the case, but I feel more uncertain about things since I am in a transition. I was feeling confident and stable with Kendra, but that was undermined over the course of three days and eventually destroyed. I was under the impression things were going to be okay at first, but the hints and clues started to pile up as the clock continued to tick forward. I figured it out eventually, but this one stung because there were a lot of good things about her that I will miss.

An important point of comparison: when Carly told me on the night of the 13th that she couldn’t be with me and wasn’t ready for a next step, I cried my fucking eyes out the next morning as I got ready for work. I was devastated. I just called things off with Kendra and have felt sad for approximately 2 minutes, and shed not a single tear. Why? Because I actually was able to emotionally bond with Carly and Kendra stayed remote and distant; an environment in which feelings don’t develop well.

However, Carly is a much better fit for me and I have always known that. My only issue was that Carly wasn’t ready on the 13th and Kendra pounced 1 day later. I mourned, but I was rapidly distracted. My feelings were still uncorked for Carly as there was no point in which I was resolved and not feeling anything for her. I still had her on my mind, that night we had together and all the words we had shared. I was left wondering what the hell could have happened, if we had been given the chance.

Now we are back forging ahead as to adults who are dating from across county lines. I know there are several really important things she has that Kendra was lacking that are fundamental to out compatibility. Carly has sympathy for my mental illness, and is very open and thoughtful about it. Carly and I share the same passion for music, and of the same types as well. Carly and I have talked 200% more than Kendra and I did, and I know more about her than I did with Kendra by far because Carly is the superior communicator of the two. These are just the first few major issues I was drawn to initially compare.

Point being, the hope for a healthy relationship is significantly higher than it was with Kendra. I am very fortunate that things worked out this way and that I was not fucked out of a chance to date someone really special.

I’m cautiously optimistic, but fearful of the unknowns that lie ahead nonetheless.

Moving Forward

My life is all about recovering from calamity, self inflicted or not. How I have come to be as strong and aware as I am was by surviving countless failures, and taking something away from the mess to further myself down the road. This situation is no different, and my plan of action has gone into effect perfectly.

I have managed to retain a great deal of positive momentum in reference to my physical health, and I am excited about beginning this journey. I have a goal in mind and I intend to reach it.

I am re-engaging Carly and this will be a slow steady crawl back to what we had before Kendra came along. We were at a high level of emotional relation and sympathy until it ended, and that fire really never went out. I just had to stash it away and pretend it wasn’t still burning. Even with Kendra, I still fantasized about Carly, and all the explicit things we wrote to each other. I couldn’t just erase her from my mind, and now thankfully, I don’t have to.

I just hope she hasn’t lost interest in me due to me being inconsistent and temporarily unavailable. I don’t think that’s the case but I have anxiety that I too will be replaced, the same way I had to replace her when she was gone. It would be poetic justice, and well deserved.

I’m still optimistic that the future is bright and full of potential. I’m healthy, active and ready to take on the next challenge. I know I’m going to do okay, albeit not without hardship, but I will persevere.

Swing

Empty chalice,

The deep echo of aching halls–

A splintering rupture,

Cast down like waste into the gravel. 

Back down the slope,

A progression of failure.

Spun by chances–

Deeper into the darkness. 

Only a shadow–

Gone when the light is shown. 

The lost promise–

Whispered over dry lips,

Was never there at all.