Monday Bumday

I guess things are not going so good. I don’t feel like anyone is really excited about anything I’m doing right now. I’m in a physical place where I have no privacy, schedule or spark in my life. Things are starting to taste bland.

Part of this is the fact that no one has any reason to invest anything in me unless I’m in crisis or causing a disturbance of some sort. I’m useful, mind you. I do often work my ass off and contribute. I am appreciated for that in a small sense.

The thing I am beginning to understand is that I’m not desirable. I’m not someone who would compel one to invest energy, love, time or words in. Some people got excited about me for a time. Then they learn who I am, and they distance themselves. They did not like the whole-me thing apparently. I can understand that, most of the time I don’t either.

Puts me in a tough spot. No one is giving me feedback about what makes me so undesirable or repulsive, so I’m not sure how to change. I don’t want to be this way, where I am just a piece of luggage. I’m clearly easy enough to walk away from. I think the reality of all this is starting to really harden around my ankles.

Today, I realize that even if I wasn’t permanently diseased, stigmatized and obese I would still probably be pretty easy to hate. Or forget.

My parents will always love me, it’s true. They’d prefer I not be too much trouble, which is no burden on them and I agree that I should aspire to that end; as it should be. However, they are under no obligation to give a shit about me beyond that. My passions or my thoughts however, are neglected the attention I feel they deserve. I’m not worth investing the time into because no one ever engages me fundamentally on any of the things that are strictly in my court, no matter how many times I do the same for them. This is the story of my relationships: give to my partner endlessly to keep her around, and loose her once I’m to tired to maintain the charade.

If not for my eagerness to try to do right all the time, I’d be just another mentally ill degenerate living like a parasite in the intestines of the middle class. Since that fate didn’t sound particularly fulfilling… I sought alternatives.

Somewhere between penitential servitude and true happiness there is a grey space. Things here seem real, but never feel like they are. What I have now are the distant cosmic echoes of massive emotional explosions, peaks, troughs and all the feels in between. They hang in my night sky like fading stars, with only the most distant of outlines left, reminding me of what they had been.

There is no where to go from here. I’m not going to be able to change myself into a more desirable person. I am at a crossroads where one direction leads to implosion, and the other leaves me fighting for my life an a sealed compartment rapidly filling with seawater.

I wish you the best on your journey. I don’t know if I really want to keep going on mine anymore.

The Best Rockhounding Trip of Ever

So, this was out last Southern California rockhounding trip until we move north and… it was the greatest of all time.

Among the DISPLAY QUALITY samples we found were: Blue Lace Agate, Fire Agate, Chalcedony, and numerous other Agates, conglomerates and absolutely fantastic samples. The best drusy samples I have ever seen if clear Chalcedony and Fire Agate. My geologic mapping skills and my mom’s intuition led us to the finest rockhounding spots we have ever seen. It is true to form that we save the best for last. Once we have the pieces cleaned and mounted, I will have images. 25 lbs of pure mineral glory recovered. Not to mention the fact we dug our first pegmatite and recovered minerals from it, of quality!! Come on now, it doesn’t get better than that.

Far Away

Hey blog. I’ve had some time post impact and I’m feeling pretty resolute about my interpretation. I gave her a last chance. She squandered a great opportunity to be a part of something special. Creativity is awesome.

By Jax. Never more.

In other news, I’m in Barstow, CA on a rockhounding expedition with my mom. Oddly enough, I came here on my honeymoon with Jax and we had a great time. This time around we are systematically attacking the Calico Mountains. Today we went east / southeast and found some Opal and Chalcedony. Still much more to be had out there.

The details of the move north have been made. Plan equals the finality. We know when and where, now we just have to do it. There will be a busy time while things are boxed. I would be looking forward to the moment when the loading truck is empty outside our new place.

I’m planning on being a care provider for the next 25 years or so. My family, and my career dictate that my role be about redemption, hope. I like that in concept. I had my life. That time is largely over now. Understanding the value of family and the bonds of love are the lessons to be learned.

I’m looking forward to another long adventure day tomorrow!

Reconciling Goods and Bads

I have been feeling back in the groove creatively, and that is most welcome. In truth, I am at a place of development with my fiction than I ever thought I could be. I have the text outlined, the chapters mostly drawn up, and the first 5 are written. The style I am going to use is really unique: both prose fiction and epistolary style for the narrative structure, which will present some really poignant insights into different locales around the Kingdom.

As this has been going for a while, so too had my hope of rekindling a friendship with Jax. When she and I set out to write Ruptured Worlds, I thought we were on the verge of something that would bind us together. Turns out, a few days later I tried to kill myself, and Jax cheated on me while I was in the psychiatric hospital. Guess I was wrong that first time, and again just now when Jax let me know I was the worst thing ever and that I should go away.

Now I know this road will be mine to walk alone, without the orgasmic genius of combining two realities into one twisted story. That thought is so awesome… what a fantastic thing to do with someone you love. This was my thought. However, now I must lean on my own skills and the story I have crafted, and hope that carries me to a successful place. I don’t plan on making money off the books; they should be free for anyone to enjoy.

When my cases are settled, and the money is in the bank, I will be pursuing my career as a Peer Support Specialist and also writing my masterpiece. One day, I will be done, and looking back on this chance with my ex with laughter. She missed out on a rad-ass gravy train, I can promise you that. I am a hedonist, and I do enjoy the getting of fucked up. I also enjoy my life, which has largely been without her. I have hurt feelings, yes, after having been so soundly rejected. I’m not the person she thinks I am, and her reaction was like: “are you really talking to me?”


Anyway, I’m trying to process, and stepping forward. I am proud of who I am now and encouraged further by who I am becoming. Maybe I will meet a peer someday,who I can love and respect. Probably not.


I’m still in a thought-provoking place about all this. I know my own intentions, and I stand by my transparency. You can read my whole process, I have no secrets here.

I only wish for positive steps forward, hence why I am not uncivilly engaging in a poo war (despite being invited). I think that first poo salvo she launched flew right over my ship, narrowly missing. I didn’t fire off a poo in the first place HMS Jacqueline, but hey, I’m not going to judge.

What I need, is to remember to have high standards for companionship, and past evidence nurtures that philosophy. Good thing my right hand can’t free itself of my arm or it might have joined Jax in the big pile of exes who hate me now. My hand is like: you never appreciated me, bitch!

I life is already so dramatic. Does it have to be that way all the fucking time? NO GODDAMNIT, WE’RE AT WAR.

Hope you have a good day blog. Hopefully no one you still love holds contempt for you in their mind.


In response to my request to say goodbye to my ex before I move north: She doesn’t want to see me. She has great contempt as well. I am to never contact her again. Ever. Ever.

Seems pretty final.

Not the way I had hoped things would go. Considering how much I have managed to change and grow over the years, I was hoping the same would be true of her. One of the really valuable things I came to learn is that what I carry with me can either propel me forward, or hold me back. Resentment, anger over past mistreatment, hatred… these are such crushingly negative emotional burdens. The worst part about it, is that nothing from the past will ever change. What was at first glance outrageous continues to be so long after the events are passed. I call these types of people “past-lookers.” Despite the passage of time, they remain anchored to a moment in the past that causes anguish or preoccupation in present times. Amanda was a product of this mentality, and she always wished she was back in high school or earlier in life, when she was younger, when life felt really good. Jax seems to be much the same sort, unable to release herself from the burdens of admitted and unaccepted atrocities. I’ve done and seen some pretty fucked up things, and boy oh boy do I have a lot I wish I could do over again. Living in that regret does nothing to help me now. Wishing I was back in a time when things were good is basically the same thing. Nothing that was will be again.

So Jax still hates me, which I had hoped wasn’t the case. But now at least I don’t have any lingering questions in my mind. Since “[She] only hold[s] contempt for [me], what [I] did and how I treated [her],” it is clear to me that things haven’t changed or grown.¬†All of this is actually great fodder for my ongoing independent status. Jax isn’t right though. I’m not who she thinks I am. I think I became that in her mind, because that allows her to live life despite the truly treacherous things she’s done. Hateful things that I had long ago released myself of concern for. It’s a terrible weight, carrying around that badness. It’s like trying to fly away with your feet stuck in the mud. Going forward is all the more difficult when you can’t release the burdens of the past.

I’m a fucked up guy Blog, but I am not as irreconcilably awful as this woman thinks I am. I have so much more pride in myself than I did then, with her. Since that time, I have grown into someone I can feel good about being, doing a job that returns me to worth. I can feel proud of myself, without blaming anyone but me for my problems. Not very many people choose to do that, because it’s easier to demonize, assign blame, and emerge unscathed. I have taken my lashes, and I wear the scars proudly.

Maybe someday I will meet a “forward-looker” and together we might talk about possibilities instead of regrets. We only have so much time here in the world. I’m not going to spend it regretting. Let’s make a new adventure, shall we? See how fucking eloquent I am? I’m not wasting my time on Jax anymore, these mad skills belong with someone worthy of them.

Last Try

So I decided to ask to see if Jax would talk to me before I go far away. It’s been years. Basically, the thought of leaving and probably not ever seeing her again has weighed on me. In fact, I have become increasingly conflicted the more I explore this thought-chain. I still have love in my heart for her, maybe the strongest I ever had in all my life. So much so that the echoes of it are still strong. I am leaving, and I need to say goodbye, from my heart. We have probably changed a lot since we last talked, but I still remember all the things I love about her. I hope she has some of those for me, and maybe that is enough between us to walk out on to the bridge this last time.

The likely alternative is that she is gone, and will not respond, and I will not see her again. Something inside me has still not let her go. She is still a part of me, and a little thread still connects us. I wish I had done things differently, yes, that is true. However, all I have left is the time still to go in front of me. I want the Jax place in my heart to have a resolution, and not feel like a partially ajar door as we zoom down the freeway.

Well, I hope I get to say goodbye. As I said earlier, I never loved anyone as much as I loved her. She lit a fire in me that still burns today. I wish I could thank her, but I probably won’t get the chance.