For the last few days, I have been going out of my way to sing in my room to some of my favorite music. The Chapter 2 playlist I made a while ago was just for that purpose, to sing back to back songs and rock out all afternoon in my smelly box/domicile. I’m going from “For Whom The Bell Tolls” to “No One In The World” on the next track (and pulling it off [maybe not in the same octave, mind you]). Needless to say, those two songs are sung pretty differently from the other. I had “All My Loving” come on the random shuffle and that tugged on me a bit. I like that though, even if it hurts a little. Remembering beautiful things will be positive for me, always, because my framing of the future doesn’t carry the burden of old pain. We have a choice, and choosing to remember the aspect of it so I can be happy is my choice.

My arsenal of known lyrics has become pretty extensive too, not only do I have the sound of the voices down, but I’m a full-body performer. My instrument of choice is the air-guitar, but you will catch me behind he air-drums or the air-bass depending on the occasion. I have even been known to do an air flute on certain Jethro Tull tracks. Damn, I’m impressive. Haha.

On the MH side of this, I know when I’m finally in a good place when I’m singing. In the past, it has been one of the ultimate healthy expressions of happiness and confidence. Really since we moved up here I’ve been on the path but it has been increasing lately (especially since I started singing listening to music on my walks). I was singing back when I moved in to my place on Mt. Helix. Man, I was really happy then too. I was singing all afternoon waiting for Will to get off work so we could play HotS together. We used to talk politics all evening too, and man, if we thought it was bad THEN, take a look at the shit-pizza now! Good times.

Move forward with a song either on your lips, or in your heart. Wherever we can make the most beautiful music is where we belong.


1,600 Miles

Since I started February 22nd 2016, I have walked the entire length of the Great Barrier Reef (1,600+ miles). Thanks for the helpful little thingie FitBit, that was a happy in my email today. It also got me thinking about how much better I’ve felt lately because of the significantly increased walking on a daily basis. I walk 2 miles to fishing spot and back every morning, not to mention all the pacing around I’m usually doing.

I had a good talk with my parents about their need to be more effective communicators with me, because they are all kinds of dysfunctional on their own, and I refuse to be party to such treatment. I have been trying to instill good communication skills, especially for my dad, and today was a breakthrough of sorts. They agreed to stop “kid gloving” me and treat me like an adult who is not about to explode into a ball of all-consuming fire. Also, They agreed to treat my like a third adult in the house, a roommate even, rather than the freeloader son I actually am.

We all agreed to be more open about our feelings and bring things up to each other and avoid anyone feeling not respected and not talked to about important issues.

That was good. It felt good being the PSS for my parents, or a P/FSS? Either way, I’m effective. Speaking of communication, I did hear back from * and there is clearly some wheel-turning or reaction processing going on, which I am not sure how I set off, but deeply regret if it has led to hurt, pain or extra poop in the face. She says she wants to talk later, and that she has a lot to think about. I’m hoping she finds some peace/solace this weekend as she has been looking forward to it all week, and that she finds the clarity of thought she seeks.

I checked the warmline at 8, and no one. This happened last Monday too, and I was grr about that. WHY I NO HELP U 2 DAY? my cat puppet in my head says. Patience, cat puppet, someone will call. I’ll be in at 10, 12 and 2 for my patrol. So long for now bloggytime!


This mornings fishing trip really brought it all home:

Regardless of circumstance or event, there I a pervading joy inside me that embodies my drive towards the future and I really felt that today when I was on my walk. Then, I was fishing just as the sun came up, listening to great music. Man, I thought, I am so fortunate. I have been given so much, and made a life for myself that is one that I can feel proud of.

I’m reconciled, and doing great reflecting on stability. Plus, I find the last few days have really showed off just how introspective I can be. I have had a lot to think about and churn over.

It just sort of light-bulbed for me this morning. I’m lucky to be where I am, and so respectful and humble. I don’t boast, or flaunt. I live, outwardly, proudly, and with good intent in my heart.

Epiphany blog!

There is so much untapped, unacknowledged beauty in the world. I want to go running around smelling all the flowers in the garden. It is a jubilant time to be alive, poised on the precipice, about to go screaming through the air towards destiny. There is a wide open door, and I’m running through it.

New Paint

Hello Blog. I’m pretty happy about today already. I didn’t wake up painfully early which is a big step in the right direction. I’ve been trying to normalize my sleep patterns and today marks a success in that struggle. Plus, it is warmline for me, which I am also excited about. I’ve got Friday – Monday covered like a baaaws.

I don’t know what to think about ***. I’m not going anywhere I guess, but I’m a communicator, and silence is pretty tough on me. I’m not feeling optimistic anymore. I thought we were going to be able to talk to each other about our issues, which is not possible if I am exiled. Since I’ve had zero communications beyond one text to let me know she needed space, I have no idea whether I’m waiting to be cut loose or some alternative where there is a future.

I’ve reconciled my views on the ***** front and I’m moving on. I’m still hopeful I will have a friend, but the window is closing fast on me, and the silence is only deepening.

Well, today I’m back on the water, trying in foolish desperation to catch a fucking fish. My innate stubbornness is pretty keyed in on this challenge. I think that’s why the fish are scared. Oh yes, I can feel their terror. They know. They fear. One day, they will respect!

I’m sure I’ll have more today.


Score: +2

On days that I’m both not feeling well physically and isolated without much to do, I tend to slide downhill a bit. I’m feeling a lot of sadness because one of my anxiety threads has temporarily won out over the others, convincing me of my having hurt ***** in some deep, traumatic way. I would be beside myself if I had hurt her feelings while I was in a negative space. “What, you go away for 6 years to come back and hurt me again?” If I were her, I’d be outraged. If that anxiety thread is correct, I have fallen victim to the pattern of my past and that is truly something I must reconcile in humility.

Anxiety doesn’t get much investment beyond the realization of its intent, it simply comes to represent what my brain has “determined” is the most likely outcome. Banishment though, seems inevitable and that is a reality I am conscious of and prepared for if true. I am holding back a big bursting dam full of regret, and I hope clarity allows me to either fix the dam and go home, or get out of the way while it collapses. Nothing is known, so I await the arrival of fact to determine how that metaphor will end.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking I might go back and update some of the site pages, especially given that I have a background in Mindfulness since I created my EAP. I feel like this experience here today and the last few days  has really helped me implement a lot of the skills in my toolkit: introspective hesitation, patience, consistency, objectivity, and all the communication techniques my PSS training has taught me.  I KNOW I am already making the right sort of impression on my fellow volunteers and staff at NAMI Sacramento. I really think things are moving along much faster than even I thought. I gave myself two months and at this rate, I’ll give back six weeks by the time the project requirements are met.

I do like to organize. My goals are “projects,” or, finite things that can be achieved. I’m going to update the Biohazard Boy page as well with some updated timetables and new weight goal. I’m headed at this project full-steam ahead. I can also project positive excitement (the other side of the anxiety coin) into the future I’m working for. One day soon, I’ll be moving into my own place, setting up my independent space, and returning to the normalcy of full time work. I’ll be Uncle Erit to my nephew and help that little man reach his potential in an environment that demonstrates the value of love and family.

Each small step I take marks a change towards progress. I know there are going to be days where I do not step forward, or step back even. I know from experience that this is all part of the journey and familiar ground to say the least. My progress is not a straight line, it is a jagged ridge climbing ever higher towards stability, sufficiency and happiness.

I was hoping to have someone truly engaging, funny, admirable and magnetically compelling in my world to share in the joy of the journey forward. I have intended such happiness for my future, and I wish to spread that around to those in my circle. I held out my hand nonetheless, and it’s always going to be there, ready. I still don’t know what future I may have, even if I have a pretty good plan about where I am headed.

Today was hard. I have been pondering my feelings, and expressing them as I am able. I took a step back today, there is no doubt. However, my time stepping back has not been wasted in despair, but spent observing the factors that led to the weight on me being too much for me to move forward.

At my core though, I suffered a great dimming of hope. I felt like I was reminded again of how alone I am, and how circumstance has dealt me a hand I can only bluff with. I don’t think that’s logical or fair, since those feelings are stemming from anxiety and not reality. Despite my desire to declare my emotions illogical, they happen nonetheless.

Hope you guys out there have a great afternoon. I’m warmline boy tomorrow and looking forward to it greatly. Anxiety will fade with neglect, restoring a sense of tranquility.

Trouble Me – 10,000 Maniacs

Trouble me–
Disturb me with all your cares,
And you worries.
Trouble me–
On the days when you feel spent.
Why let your shoulders bend,
Underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong?
Trouble me.
Speak to me–
Don’t mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling;
Speak to me–
There’s no telling where it starts or how it ends.
Speak to me–
Why are you building this thick brick wall,
To defend me?
Speak to me–
When your silence is my greatest fear?
Why let your shoulders bend
Underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong?
Speak to me.
Let me–
Have a look inside these eyes,
While I’m learning.
Let me–
Please don’t hide them,
Just because of tears.
Let me–
Send you off to sleep with a “There, there, now stop your turning and tossing.”
Let me–
Let me know where the hurt is and how to heal.
Spare me?
Don’t spare me anything troubling.
Trouble me–
Disturb me with all your cares and you worries.
Speak to me–
Let our words build a shelter from the storm.
Let me–
And lastly,
Let me know what I can mend.
There’s more, honestly,
Than my sweet friend, you can see.
Trust is what I’m offering…
If you trouble me.

Other Thoughts

Good prematurely early morning Blog.

As I rise to face the new day, I am ruminating on a few things:

  1. I forgot to mention I believe I would now be considered the “top volunteer” at NAMI Sacramento and just got handed this Friday’s warmline duty. When Lynn said to me “we thought of you first,” I really felt good. I knew I was making an impact, and spreading the word about how hard I work and also that I am funny. And maybe kinda cute?
  2. I haven’t heard substantively from **** since my trauma trigger of Tuesday night. She asked for space, which I have respected. The wheels of anxiety would like to get all fired up on speculating, but I don’t indulge them. In this new era of self-awareness, moments like this are broken down into components: part of it is sadness, fear, but then there is hope, promise, and positively projected outcomes. Even if one or the other is proved to be false, their contrast prevents one from dominating over the other. So I sit here looking at these two anxious reactions, neither being appropriate, and am now moving forward with my day.
  3. I am not going fishing this morning. My stomach has been feeling less than satisfactory for a day now, and I believe Moo is to blame somehow. She was fine after a couple of days and I project the same for myself, or less. My body tends to destroy outside invaders with a sadistic glee. Sadly, this means the fish will get to celebrate their independence for yet another day… for now.

In general, I find my attitude is good, but my prospects for the day are dim. I must come up with something proactive while the physical part regenerates or becomes stable. I miss not having **** to talk to. It sure did feel good those three days when we were communicating often. It was like old times, in a way, but free of the doubt and speculation. It felt like we had gone to school together as kids, then come together as adults once more at some point down the road. It’s odd, but good, and I really do notice suddenly being deprived of it.

I keep having image filled dreams that I can remember bits and pieces of in the night, but by the morning all I can remember is that I did have a dream about something. It’s very strange, but also nice since the weed for the longest time had suppressed that memory retention. I look on my FitBit and see I’m getting oodles of REM sleep. Science says I’m dreaming, but what about…?


Sliver-possible light,

Through narrow glimpses,


Baited breath-stealing–

Walker of tiptoe mysteries.

Traces in the dust,

Fathomed through pages,

Implored for more–

But left vacant at the gate.

A mouthful of yearning,

Eclipsed by walls–

Left agape at the possibilities,

Watching the light disappear.


**** was great handling my emotions last night. I want expecting to be triggered like that and she dealt with it very well. It’s reassuring.

I’ve had some time to think, and I am confident that being ******** Friend is something I want. Thinking down the road is fruitless. The real point is based on now, and what life is like here in these moments. We have precious little time in this life. Everyone is special and worth paying attention to. In my new reality, love and trust are the currency.

Processing is normal. Healthy. It does take energy to deal with trauma.

I’m working today at the new office which is exciting. Opportunities await.

Life goes on. Surround oneself with positive energy, and move out ahead of the storm clouds.


Dear blog, tonight I am in the midst of a pretty serious down spiral. **** sent me Eminem’s Love The Way You Lie, which sharply parallels our prior relationship. It has rendered me to ruin, and broken my optimism entirely. I cried then and I sob know, feeling death inside me again. A part that used to love her, a memory of when it did, how it all came apart and is gone forever. The shattered night our relationship died. I’m flooded with visceral trauma like it is all happening right here. I’m reliving one of the greatest mistakes of my life. Over and over.

Deep in a well of pain, I regret to abandonment. She’s better off without me. I’m only going to interfere. I’m useless. I’m trouble. I’m going to create even more regret one way or another.

The passage of time will refresh the imbalance, but clearly there is emotional volatility going on. I need to be mindful of that. A lot of powerful memories lie buried in the past, and they are just as real to me now as when they happened. ******* had some intent to affect me with the music, which is not very nice. She has motivation to show me what I missed out on I suppose, as if I can’t see plainly enough.

Where does this road go? Should I walk down it?

What is this feeling?

**UPDATED** 5/18 – Chapter 2.5?

A new album inspired by recent events. **UPDATE** There have been some uncanny harmonies I need to include, so the playlist has been adjusted.

  1. Hotel California – Eagles
  2. Walk Away – Joe Walsh
  3. For Whom The Bell Tolls – Metallica
  4. Don’t You Know What The Night Can Do? – Steve Winwood
  5. If I Can’t Have You – Yvonne Elliman
  6. No One In The World – Anita Baker
  7. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  8. Roam – The B-52’s
  9. A Little Respect – Erasure
  10. Middle Of The Road – The Pretenders
  11. No One Like You – Scorpions
  12. We Built This City – Starship
  13. What You Need – INXS
  14. Straight To My Heart – Sting
  15. Trouble Me – 10,000 Maniacs
  16. Beautiful – Gordon Lightfoot
  17. Right Down The Line – Gerry Rafferty

Activity Action Dayl

I’m helping set-up for tomorrow’s 2018 Sacramento NAMI Walk. I’ll be heading down to Land Park and working for a few hours, helping out however I can. Today and tomorrow are likely to go way past the 10 hours I needed for my certification. Once reported on Sunday, I’m confident in being able to say I’m a FULLY CERTIFIED Peer Support Specialist.

Remember all that talk about digging around in the past? Well, I reached out to Em, the woman I was with last time I lived in Northern California (7 years ago). After all of the introspection I have been through on this issue, I came to do this for two reasons: First, that she already has a history with me, I knew a lot about her, and we could be friends again just based on the things we share or have shared. Second, I feel responsible for who I was at that time in my life, and I continually seek to resolve pain and hurt caused. Em was indeed still very hurt from that time, and it makes perfect sense to me. I hear her pain, and I wish I could help her resolve it.

The time since then has afforded me an opportunity to suffer a great many more calamities, and continually test my will to stay sane with each new gesture. I had to fall on my face, and again, in order to lift my shit off the ground and try again. I’m more determined than ever not to eat shit on the dirt and make a crater. I have a strength in me unlike any I have had before, derived from a great deal of pride and confidence. I have ascended to a new place in my reality and the view from the height is fantastic!

I’ve worked hard to rectify my own feelings about the past… maybe I can help My Friend do the same. Even if she never intends to be my friend or have anything to do with me, I would encourage her to write me a letter, and let me know exactly how she feels. My only desire is to be able to show acceptance, understanding, and ask forgiveness. The events themselves are never gone, but the enduring pain over it not having been properly closed is the pain that need not be suffered. Being able to end things having helped her, instead of having hurt her, would be the proper way to end our time together.

Since exploding myself a few times over the years, I find that, in this metaphor, the re-congealed bits of my former self are harder to break apart than before, having become re-bonded to each other with some highly effective adhesive. I’m not sure where I was going with that, but it does sound pretty fucking awesome.

Anyway blog, tonight I work! Hooray! I have a two month deadline to transform this non-paying volunteer position into something that pays. I do believe that if I can prove myself at events like tonight-tomorrow, I will be one of those invaluables that must be retained in some capacity. I do have a tendency to be the shiniest person around, and we all know how people get when you wave something shiny at them. Swat!


Age: 34
Weight: 218

Activities: Fishing, Writing, Politics, Family, Beer, Weed, Walking/Hiking, Movies/TV, D&D. Fiction, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Literature, English, Geology, Meteorology, Astronomy, Zoology, Debate/Discourse

Personality Attributes: Sense of Humor, Intellect, Scientific areas of Study, Logic, Compassion, Empathy, Unbreakable Bonds, Love, Trust, Passion, Dedication, Adoration, Polarity, Pain, Joy, Happiness, Lust, Desire, Closeness, Friendship, Enlightenment

Flaws: Diseased, Scarred, Imbalanced, Obese, Damaged, Confused, Frustrating, Inconstant, Unreliable, Irrelevant

Adjectives: Unique, Hyperbolic, Embellished, Observant, Sensitive, Auric, Old, Detached, Irrelevant, Archaic, Poignant, Introspective, Improving, Prideful, Honest, Moral, Obedient, Calculating, Thoughtful, Logical, Internal, Complex, Random, Arbitrary, Nonsensical, Surprising, Shocking, Rude, Deranged, Contrary, Objective, Respectful, Chivalrous, Smelly, Strange

I wish I was balanced, and I had a chance to explore all the avenues of my life without having willingly or unwillingly given up on them. I defined my early life by confusion, frustration, misguidedness and disorientation. Real life shocked me into functionality, but the mold didn’t work for me and I collapsed. I went through that cycle three or four times before arriving at the point I am at now. Things are stable, but also still very easily perturbed. The problem lies in my personal toxicity. Everyone who gets close to me is eventually poisoned and grows to hate me for one reason or another. The people who can’t get rid of me have swallowed the pain I’ve caused them and moved on.


My state of mind is contrasting between a revisited sense of abandonment as well as a rising hope for the future. I don’t know why I try to go back to the past. I guess my hope is that there would be something good there, like a redemption of sorts. It’s a narrative I keep convincing myself is real. I still delude like any other broken-hearted person.

The volunteer machine moves slowly.

I come out here and give these words to the ether. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m being surrounded by rising water, or some such strangulation of my fire.

There’s no point in digging. The whole process frustrates. I have a deep unresolved thing that gets no better by looking back.


Today’s volunteer opportunity didn’t work out, but I’m still in line for work Friday – Saturday. NAMI Walk is going to be good, especially if there is a lot of turnout. I wish it were easier for people to be excited about mental health awareness.

In the “other” category, I find myself feeling a little down today. Those negative words I hear in my head are a lot louder than usual. I have low self-esteem but an excellent ability to fake being awesome for a time. Adoration is a really vital fuel, and the things that can be done with that energy are numerous. I do, in a lot of ways, admire myself and create my own forward propulsion. I’d be going nowhere in life if I didn’t have SOME pride and confidence.

I feel alone. I tried reconnecting with people who had meaning in my life, but I am unable to glean anything of worth, it seems. Idle chat is nice. Having someone checking in on you every so often is also a beneficial thing. What I’m looking for is something to invest in that has potential to be a flower pot with happy little plants in it. I’ve been throwing dirt and water onto dead plants for so long I really had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I was a poor communicator and an inconstant partner. I don’t want to give myself to things inevitably bound to become rotten. All the past is full of stinking decay. It infects everything with remembered despair and the agony of dead love.

Swallowing true solitude is a terrible, choking, gasping process in which the vital fire of lust and physical passion are stabbed in the stomach and left to die slow in the mud. It is a new type of death I must experience within myself, just as the love I had for the women of my life… I see the empty, cavernous and hollow spaces that were once so rich, beautiful and full and it tears me apart with sorrow to this day. I’ve died inside myself time and time again, as many different projected hopes, desires and lust-fueled fantasies all dissipated like piss in the shower.

There is likely something better out there without as much in the red column. Almost certain.

I don’t want to sulk. I want to improve. I’m still full of all this negative shit, but that’s no reason not to forge ahead alone. What the fuck else am I going to do? There are no other options that have stability and the hope for happiness bound to them. I could just give up and stop caring, but the guilt of irresponsibility would be a obstacle to overcome. I could go on dating sites and invest all sorts of energy into finding someone to relate to, and force the hand of fate to deal myself romance sooner rather than waiting for something of true value to materialize. What if nothing ever materializes? I go into that knowing full well that is a possible outcome. However, should being unloved make it impossible for me to give my heart and soul to helping people who struggle with mental illness? I don’t need to be loved to love, or, care, as they are just escalations on the same thread of word. I wish to impart real love to people, because it feels AMAZING to be loved.


I have been loved before. I will never forget how that felt, and the type of happiness I felt during those days. At several points in my life, there have been such beauty, closeness, and the outlines of what seemed to be unbreakable trust. I will never forget. It is so hard for me not to look back and hope something is still there. One last spark; some little buried, smoldering ember that cries out for a breath of air. There is nothing left. I feel the ash sliding through my fingers. I smell the acidic stink of death.


There won’t be days like those again, will there?


I’m sad. I have so much love and joy inside me. I’m all the way in the back of the closet under a box where no one is likely to find me. I struggle to this very moment with how I plan to peacefully reconcile that fact.


I guess the title refers to my own introspective process rather than something external. My thoughts have gone back to the past many times, especially to reflect on how I could have been a better listener and communicator. I had a lot to learn, but I think I’m significantly more skilled in this area then I ever have been. I have put my mind to being a better person, and it’s headed in the right direction.

The cleansing is one of my own scrutiny. I feel now that I have begun to absolve myself of guilt from my past. I have worn it like a burden for a long time, but now it is time to proceed ahead without the extra luggage.

Saying and doing are starkly different things. I have momentum on my side though as I scale back my indulgences/vices. Learning control is discipline, which helps build meta mind. I’m already pretty insightful but practice is essential to success. I intend to take positive steps and try to go up even when brought down.

I don’t know what’s coming, but all the pieces of a happy life are starting to congeal. I hope things continue to improve, and hopefully, sponsor more vital energy to fuel the me machine.

Strap In, Buck-O

Last night was great! I helped sell raffle tickets at our booth outside the Punch Line Comedy Club, as part of the NAMI fundraiser. They had some great comedy acts, but I could not stay until the end. You know you’re an old person when you’re scared to drive after 9:00 pm because “it’s dark,” “it’s past my bedtime” and “mischievous kids come out to hooligate.”

The real exciting shit is that I got a FULL WEEK of work now, with activities from M – F. My 10 hours are totally going to be done this week, and that final PSS certification will have been met. Speaking of classes, there is another one I’d like to take that NAMI Sacramento offers called Peer-to-Peer. They don’t have one scheduled yet, but they will and from what I hear, this sounds a lot like WRAP (which I could use a refresher in, for sure).

But did you hear that blog?

Monday: Going to NAMI Sac to man the warmline and help out around the office

Tuesday – Wednesday: Going to Sacramento River City College and meeting with reps and participating in an awareness fair

Thursday – Friday: NAMIWalks 2018 setup and event

Oh yeah, that looks like productivity, for sure. Feels like it too. I am very proud of myself blog for helping out and getting involved in my community, just like I said I would. Sometimes I can stress about things not happening as intended or as expected, but this moment of realization of fulfilled potential is worth the anxiety tax it took from me to get here.

I hope your week starts off as well as mine has! Oh, and Emelia contacted me though I fear there may be nothing there. I still feel very fondly towards her, but it doesn’t appear the same is true in her mind. I just hope for some form of friendship. I don’t have many people in my life who tried to get to know me well, but she was one of them. Even though she became infuriated with me, which is not totally surprising, I still wish she was in my life rather than out of it. She was wonderful for a time many years ago and I hope we can resurrect some of that connection again now. My hopes are dim, but I will always try for the brighter future if there is still light coming through the crack in the door.

Contemplative Afternoon Notations

A flood gate of sorts has opened this afternoon, leading me to contemplate my whole approach to companionship. I have, up until this point, held a train of thought that bound me to solitude. I guess this was the case because I feel myself a penitent. I have carelessly relationshipped, and now, I have only rubble in my wake. Not all of that is my fault, but I was certainly no help in saving anything. You who have been here know I have always embraced my failures in my relationships while partners simply avoid the duty. Jax straight up said I was the problem and Amanda won’t really talk about why I broke up with her. I like being able to discuss things reasonably, but none of the people I have dated have come even close to being able to do so consistently. I have settled, time and time again, or been simply misled, but I have always tried to set a proper course and effusively give my love to those I choose to let into the inner circle.

Something was always missing though. It always started out with the spark of interest, but it quickly faded and the two went their own independent directions. What I truly need is someone who has enough in common with me to share a great deal of passion, while being independent enough to have time alone with separate activities unique to differing personalities.

Right now I just stopped this whole thought. Who the fuck am I to be setting the standard for any sort of companionship? I have squandered every chance I’ve gotten, and yet that entitles me to set the terms of the next possible engagement at significantly higher levels than before? It’s this sort of presumptuous bullshit that gets me into trouble. I haven’t even met anyone yet, and I’ve already got a fucking prenuptial written up. I truly piss myself off sometimes.

What is needed is an approach that focuses on the true supplicant, me. I have so much work to do to earn a place of meaning in the world, and tonight is indeed a good place to start. However, I should have no terms, no preconditions. All the planning and formulating I have done to this point has all been for nothing. None of it ever amounted to success or anything at all. Time to start counting on the spark of instinct, impulse and chemistry. There needs to be a poof, a bam bam… something to ignite the engine of interest. We have to wonder why. We need the desire to unpack the mystery of another, and to do so, one needs to be worth unpacking. The activity requires a great deal of time, and consistency. The whole thing right now seems so surrealistically out of this dimension that it is not even possible to contemplate the thought of grasping it.




I doubt anyone I am going to meet anytime soon has any desire to unpack me. I’m going to go out there and be proud as fuck like I always am, but inside I know that the core that is good and wonderful in me is buried under a fetid, rotten rind that may be too repulsive to endure for so little a reward. What, are you going to voluntarily subject yourself to a lifelong sexually transmitted disease? Are you going to affiliate yourself with someone who can become psychotic during elevated emotional moments? Are you really going to watch the meds wreak havoc on his acne-scarred, mutilated body?

The two things I have left to give are my time and my attention. I will give that attention to those who need it the most, who yearn for someone to care about them, much the way I pine for someone to do the same for me. I know how good it felt to have someone so passionately interested in me that it lit up my world as though the sun had doubled in size. Even if I don’t love anyone else that way again, I can still care about my clients. One-on-one, I can be effective as a caregiver and I will continue to pursue that path towards meaning. I have served myself my whole life. My passions, lusts, at whoever’s expense. I’ve ruined worlds, and walked away from brightly burning bridges. I know now that I have a fate tied to pride, and a soul that aches to be redeemed.

I may be at this journey by myself for the rest of my life, and I need to be prepared for that to be the highest probability outcome. I don’t honestly think that despite my curious brilliance, I have too many detrimental flaws to ever keep anyone gravitationally bound who flew into my solar orbit. I do think the human being that I am is a pretty cool human being, but what I think doesn’t count for much and is also biased. Getting someone else to believe how fucking rad I am is the heart of the challenge I face.

Well blog, digging up those old pictures has really brought a lot of stuff flooding back, and caused me to be introspective about the prospect of ever loving a woman again. I have so much love inside me, just stored up like 10,000 barrels of wildfire, waiting for a flame to ignite their explosive potential. I want to incinerate you in the blinding, unstoppable inferno of my love. Too much?

Memories Found

I found these pictures today of Em and I back when we dated. On the occasion that my life in Sacramento imploded about 6 years ago, we ventured south and I lost all contact with her. My sentimentality and generousness for forgiveness lends me to want to build bridges rather than seek to burn them down (if they happened to still exist).

I would like to find her again, and see how the road has been treating her. I certainly have meteored-out at least once between then and now. Seeing her face reminds me of how passionately I loved her, and I can still feel the ache in the place that is now empty because she has gone. There will never be anyone else like her, and no one that could replace what she brought to my life, for a time. I learned many things because of Em, and seeing her bright face only reminds me further of the memories we made together. Those years were some of the happiest times in all my life; when I lived in that granny flat in Fair Oaks with Em. We had two wild chickens whose names I still remember: Jack (black) and Houdini (brown) that hung around the house. That summer when we first moved in and the hot water wasn’t working… We took baths in the tub out on the lawn and had sex under the stars at night. Passionate moments both good and bad were all a part of my span with her. Many beautiful memories though, a lot like this picture of the two of us. I will never forget those moments and all of the things I have gained having lived through them.


What an odd thing to find at random in a notebook, just a few weeks into my return to Northern California. To Em: wherever you are, peace be with you.

Emelia Gribkoff Westin Bailey

Back when we were together


My volunteer career with NAMI Sacramento has begun, and I am already participating in the expansion of my organization’s goals. I represented a living success story when I manned our NAMI Sacramento booth at the Disability Fair on the campus of Sacramento City College last Thursday. It felt great to be working, or more accurately, sponsoring awareness and proactively engaging the community. As time goes on, my hours will steadily increase, and I believe I have made it clear to my Executive Director that I have a lot to offer. The future looks bright.

There is this part of me that keeps going back to the past to poke around in the ashes for an ember of some form. I don’t know why I indulge this activity, as my last encounter with this resulted in me being cursed and berated. Chances are, the same fate ultimately awaits me in the past. The past is a place I have utterly ruined, and I should not expect anything to grow there ever again. Looking forward, this seems to be a good incentive for isolation and an avoidance of the path that led to all that mess. The whole sector is now an irradiated wasteland with an unfriendly fence around it.

I don’t know what new things I will discover in this career direction, but the work is bound to be more rewarding, more meaningful. It is having a purpose and making a difference that are of concern to me. I don’t want to be forgotten or useless. We have a cat: there’s already someone in this house who’s primary occupation is being useless. No room for two of us, it would seem. So here I am living my life, being proactive and helping a nonprofit spread the word about erasing the stigma of mental illness.

Something She Lost

An Abstract Prose Narrative

Back in the days full of sun, dreams merged like clouds blowing in the wind. Dancing light and fingers touching the tall grass the days were by. Holding breath in the kiss of tangerine love.

Opening up a bounteous bloom of cosmic preponderance and entrenched in unique beauty. Hinges, wings and cryptic messages sparked a deep fascination. Could such a world blend with my own? Maybe a merging of these twisted dimensions may yield a beautiful offspring? The investigation within the cave of the eye began. Tumbling down the hole seemed a drunken escapade so delightful, wanted, yearned for. Always.

So to do sunsets yield to night, a time and a time went by. Stale air and old closets were hiding. Shriveled up socks and neglected piles of things.

Threads cobwebbery enmeshed and ensnared. Thorns dug in deep. Hatred like raging lava buried the what had been in incendiary death.

What then at this brink? Her last words were of a lost piece of the personal past. Her bloom, in a book, in text where her secrets had been hidden. The unfurling of her thought, ripped to pieces by division, scattering her from her anchor. The fissure had grown vast and deep. Her words echoed into the chasm, unreconciled.

Long since the sun shown so, my hands found her dreams once more. Symbols, language and such an imagination. It was all here again, unearthed by the expansion of time. Scrawled in her adorable ink, all that she was missed was remembered. Kiss, laugh and dream.

Now, to feel her dust on my fingers, such a sigh. This one sad little ember of it is all that remains. Kicked me into the ditch and left me to blame, while peasant heart still aches. All little sounds and sniffs forgotten.

Such is the death of things, and the rocket propelled moments when fireworks are right there and everything is back. Over and done, but never forgotten. The book returns to oblivion from whence it had come.

Career Starts… NOW! THE YAY!

I have my volunteer placement interview with NAMI Sacramento on Saturday, and I’m just so excited! I can’t wait to have a job again, and to have a place to go where I make a difference. I’m telling you, from my heart, that having a job is a great way to kick start functionality. If you can convince yourself that pride is important to you, than anything is possible. Wouldn’t you rather be proud than ashamed all the time? Seems like a no-brainer to me… but then again, my brain isn’t the best judge of anything.

So I have already submitted my name as a NAMI Walk volunteer here coming up at the beginning of next month! I have my hours, seemingly, locked in. It will be the doing of the work that I am most looking forward to. I have even offered my skills in getting things down from high places, or lifting heavy things and carrying them a short distance.

I will be happy once my hours are done and I am settling in to a role as a PSS or some such. I think I have a lot to offer with my experiences and my language. I have such an interesting way of spinning the world. Typically, I have something smart assed to say about whatever it is that you have brought to me today. It is my scientific speciality, the poking of you in the eye.


In a nice way though. My humor is always so well-meaning, and usually exploiting a straw man of some kind. My typical humorous paper-cut-out targets are Bears (seriously, fuck Bears), Newt Gingrich, Earthquakes and Russia. If one of them isn’t to blame for whatever is happening, it truly is the end of days, and also, I have no joke to offer you either.


Thanks for reading, see you later!

Communication Practice

It’s hard to maintain healthy communication skills when you live with people who refuse to practice them. My parents are frustratingly ingrained in their resentment and biases, which makes bridging their disconnects with good communication skills totally impossible. They refuse to shed the cognitive distortions that haunt nearly all of their interactions: My dad the mind reading projector and my mom the all-or-nothing emotional free radical. Together, they hardly communicate about anything that isn’t inherently positive or reflective. Conflicts just keep getting brushed under the rug in their partially dissimilated states; abandoned to frustration and time.

I do hope that as I expand professionally, I can build up more of a tolerance to being consistently rebuffed in my attempts to establish good communications between my parents (or clients) and  still help them improve their ragged partnership. In such a dynamic, the more clear and concise the better, but in my reality, speculation and projection run amok like easy candy out of a cheap vending machine. No one views my way as a superior way to communicate, or are otherwise unmotivated to change for the (what I believe to be the) better. This is frustrating for me, naturally. The people I love the most are the ones I am least able to help.

So, I have to endure a dysfunctional environment with no real hope of improvement for as long as I am living here. In truth, I had suspected that I would not be with them in the same house until the end of their lives, because eventually, I would need a healthier environment to thrive in as the person I intend to be. That man, Westin we will call him, is intending to be a ripple of good in the still, murky pond of life. I know I can impact people’s lives and show them a way towards finding a kind of happiness that makes sense for who they are.

In the meantime, I at least have my own room and place to retreat to in the event I do not want to be a part of the ongoing discourse. Things are moving forward in my path towards re-establishment into relevance… this is more of a personal relevance if anything. I need to achieve, to try for something of worth, and succeed so that the roots of my pride and personality are nourished. It’s a good recipe for avoiding deep depressive cycles, I have found.


Have a good day.

Monday Bumday

I guess things are not going so good. I don’t feel like anyone is really excited about anything I’m doing right now. I’m in a physical place where I have no privacy, schedule or spark in my life. Things are starting to taste bland.

Part of this is the fact that no one has any reason to invest anything in me unless I’m in crisis or causing a disturbance of some sort. I’m useful, mind you. I do often work my ass off and contribute. I am appreciated for that in a small sense.

The thing I am beginning to understand is that I’m not desirable. I’m not someone who would compel one to invest energy, love, time or words in. Some people got excited about me for a time. Then they learn who I am, and they distance themselves. They did not like the whole-me thing apparently. I can understand that, most of the time I don’t either.

Puts me in a tough spot. No one is giving me feedback about what makes me so undesirable or repulsive, so I’m not sure how to change. I don’t want to be this way, where I am just a piece of luggage. I’m clearly easy enough to walk away from. I think the reality of all this is starting to really harden around my ankles.

Today, I realize that even if I wasn’t permanently diseased, stigmatized and obese I would still probably be pretty easy to hate. Or forget.

My parents will always love me, it’s true. They’d prefer I not be too much trouble, which is no burden on them and I agree that I should aspire to that end; as it should be. However, they are under no obligation to give a shit about me beyond that. My passions or my thoughts however, are neglected the attention I feel they deserve. I’m not worth investing the time into because no one ever engages me fundamentally on any of the things that are strictly in my court, no matter how many times I do the same for them. This is the story of my relationships: give to my partner endlessly to keep her around, and loose her once I’m to tired to maintain the charade.

If not for my eagerness to try to do right all the time, I’d be just another mentally ill degenerate living like a parasite in the intestines of the middle class. Since that fate didn’t sound particularly fulfilling… I sought alternatives.

Somewhere between penitential servitude and true happiness there is a grey space. Things here seem real, but never feel like they are. What I have now are the distant cosmic echoes of massive emotional explosions, peaks, troughs and all the feels in between. They hang in my night sky like fading stars, with only the most distant of outlines left, reminding me of what they had been.

There is no where to go from here. I’m not going to be able to change myself into a more desirable person. I am at a crossroads where one direction leads to implosion, and the other leaves me fighting for my life an a sealed compartment rapidly filling with seawater.

I wish you the best on your journey. I don’t know if I really want to keep going on mine anymore.

The Best Rockhounding Trip of Ever

So, this was out last Southern California rockhounding trip until we move north and… it was the greatest of all time.

Among the DISPLAY QUALITY samples we found were: Blue Lace Agate, Fire Agate, Chalcedony, and numerous other Agates, conglomerates and absolutely fantastic samples. The best drusy samples I have ever seen if clear Chalcedony and Fire Agate. My geologic mapping skills and my mom’s intuition led us to the finest rockhounding spots we have ever seen. It is true to form that we save the best for last. Once we have the pieces cleaned and mounted, I will have images. 25 lbs of pure mineral glory recovered. Not to mention the fact we dug our first pegmatite and recovered minerals from it, of quality!! Come on now, it doesn’t get better than that.

Far Away

Hey blog. I’ve had some time post impact and I’m feeling pretty resolute about my interpretation. I gave her a last chance. She squandered a great opportunity to be a part of something special. Creativity is awesome.

By Jax. Never more.

In other news, I’m in Barstow, CA on a rockhounding expedition with my mom. Oddly enough, I came here on my honeymoon with Jax and we had a great time. This time around we are systematically attacking the Calico Mountains. Today we went east / southeast and found some Opal and Chalcedony. Still much more to be had out there.

The details of the move north have been made. Plan equals the finality. We know when and where, now we just have to do it. There will be a busy time while things are boxed. I would be looking forward to the moment when the loading truck is empty outside our new place.

I’m planning on being a care provider for the next 25 years or so. My family, and my career dictate that my role be about redemption, hope. I like that in concept. I had my life. That time is largely over now. Understanding the value of family and the bonds of love are the lessons to be learned.

I’m looking forward to another long adventure day tomorrow!

Reconciling Goods and Bads

I have been feeling back in the groove creatively, and that is most welcome. In truth, I am at a place of development with my fiction than I ever thought I could be. I have the text outlined, the chapters mostly drawn up, and the first 5 are written. The style I am going to use is really unique: both prose fiction and epistolary style for the narrative structure, which will present some really poignant insights into different locales around the Kingdom.

As this has been going for a while, so too had my hope of rekindling a friendship with Jax. When she and I set out to write Ruptured Worlds, I thought we were on the verge of something that would bind us together. Turns out, a few days later I tried to kill myself, and Jax cheated on me while I was in the psychiatric hospital. Guess I was wrong that first time, and again just now when Jax let me know I was the worst thing ever and that I should go away.

Now I know this road will be mine to walk alone, without the orgasmic genius of combining two realities into one twisted story. That thought is so awesome… what a fantastic thing to do with someone you love. This was my thought. However, now I must lean on my own skills and the story I have crafted, and hope that carries me to a successful place. I don’t plan on making money off the books; they should be free for anyone to enjoy.

When my cases are settled, and the money is in the bank, I will be pursuing my career as a Peer Support Specialist and also writing my masterpiece. One day, I will be done, and looking back on this chance with my ex with laughter. She missed out on a rad-ass gravy train, I can promise you that. I am a hedonist, and I do enjoy the getting of fucked up. I also enjoy my life, which has largely been without her. I have hurt feelings, yes, after having been so soundly rejected. I’m not the person she thinks I am, and her reaction was like: “are you really talking to me?”


Anyway, I’m trying to process, and stepping forward. I am proud of who I am now and encouraged further by who I am becoming. Maybe I will meet a peer someday,who I can love and respect. Probably not.


I’m still in a thought-provoking place about all this. I know my own intentions, and I stand by my transparency. You can read my whole process, I have no secrets here.

I only wish for positive steps forward, hence why I am not uncivilly engaging in a poo war (despite being invited). I think that first poo salvo she launched flew right over my ship, narrowly missing. I didn’t fire off a poo in the first place HMS Jacqueline, but hey, I’m not going to judge.

What I need, is to remember to have high standards for companionship, and past evidence nurtures that philosophy. Good thing my right hand can’t free itself of my arm or it might have joined Jax in the big pile of exes who hate me now. My hand is like: you never appreciated me, bitch!

I life is already so dramatic. Does it have to be that way all the fucking time? NO GODDAMNIT, WE’RE AT WAR.

Hope you have a good day blog. Hopefully no one you still love holds contempt for you in their mind.


In response to my request to say goodbye to my ex before I move north: She doesn’t want to see me. She has great contempt as well. I am to never contact her again. Ever. Ever.

Seems pretty final.

Not the way I had hoped things would go. Considering how much I have managed to change and grow over the years, I was hoping the same would be true of her. One of the really valuable things I came to learn is that what I carry with me can either propel me forward, or hold me back. Resentment, anger over past mistreatment, hatred… these are such crushingly negative emotional burdens. The worst part about it, is that nothing from the past will ever change. What was at first glance outrageous continues to be so long after the events are passed. I call these types of people “past-lookers.” Despite the passage of time, they remain anchored to a moment in the past that causes anguish or preoccupation in present times. Amanda was a product of this mentality, and she always wished she was back in high school or earlier in life, when she was younger, when life felt really good. Jax seems to be much the same sort, unable to release herself from the burdens of admitted and unaccepted atrocities. I’ve done and seen some pretty fucked up things, and boy oh boy do I have a lot I wish I could do over again. Living in that regret does nothing to help me now. Wishing I was back in a time when things were good is basically the same thing. Nothing that was will be again.

So Jax still hates me, which I had hoped wasn’t the case. But now at least I don’t have any lingering questions in my mind. Since “[She] only hold[s] contempt for [me], what [I] did and how I treated [her],” it is clear to me that things haven’t changed or grown. All of this is actually great fodder for my ongoing independent status. Jax isn’t right though. I’m not who she thinks I am. I think I became that in her mind, because that allows her to live life despite the truly treacherous things she’s done. Hateful things that I had long ago released myself of concern for. It’s a terrible weight, carrying around that badness. It’s like trying to fly away with your feet stuck in the mud. Going forward is all the more difficult when you can’t release the burdens of the past.

I’m a fucked up guy Blog, but I am not as irreconcilably awful as this woman thinks I am. I have so much more pride in myself than I did then, with her. Since that time, I have grown into someone I can feel good about being, doing a job that returns me to worth. I can feel proud of myself, without blaming anyone but me for my problems. Not very many people choose to do that, because it’s easier to demonize, assign blame, and emerge unscathed. I have taken my lashes, and I wear the scars proudly.

Maybe someday I will meet a “forward-looker” and together we might talk about possibilities instead of regrets. We only have so much time here in the world. I’m not going to spend it regretting. Let’s make a new adventure, shall we? See how fucking eloquent I am? I’m not wasting my time on Jax anymore, these mad skills belong with someone worthy of them.

Last Try

So I decided to ask to see if Jax would talk to me before I go far away. It’s been years. Basically, the thought of leaving and probably not ever seeing her again has weighed on me. In fact, I have become increasingly conflicted the more I explore this thought-chain. I still have love in my heart for her, maybe the strongest I ever had in all my life. So much so that the echoes of it are still strong. I am leaving, and I need to say goodbye, from my heart. We have probably changed a lot since we last talked, but I still remember all the things I love about her. I hope she has some of those for me, and maybe that is enough between us to walk out on to the bridge this last time.

The likely alternative is that she is gone, and will not respond, and I will not see her again. Something inside me has still not let her go. She is still a part of me, and a little thread still connects us. I wish I had done things differently, yes, that is true. However, all I have left is the time still to go in front of me. I want the Jax place in my heart to have a resolution, and not feel like a partially ajar door as we zoom down the freeway.

Well, I hope I get to say goodbye. As I said earlier, I never loved anyone as much as I loved her. She lit a fire in me that still burns today. I wish I could thank her, but I probably won’t get the chance.



As time marches forward, I feel the opportunity for partnership slipping away. If there is any one glaring truth about my past relationships is that none of them were ever all that interested in me, or lost interest after a period of time had gone by. I am also a rarely constant person, which can be misinterpreted at so many intervals it boggles the mind with possibilities. I look at myself now, as I am, and I see someone who is too unique to be related-to or loved. I am a compilation of irritating flaws and brilliant insights colliding explosively on volatile ground. I have had only a handful of people in my world who have any hope of truly understanding me, and none of them are all that interested in me. Its intoxicating to have someone in your world who is excited about you. It’s a thrill to feel elated with relevance, and have the concerns of your mind inherited, embraced and expanded by another. Such a thing is worth waiting a lifetime to have just a glimpse at, and I fear, something I will never know.

I have old, unrequited love in my heart that lays there on the shore like a decaying trout. I’m not sure what to do with this, but all looking at it does is make me want to reach out to my exes which I am certain would be a bad thing inevitably. That’s not the answer, I tell myself. Why? Because they left you, and largely because you weren’t interesting enough to keep them around. When they got to know you, they didn’t like what they saw. Am I destined to repeat a similar pattern the more I try to find someone? I feel like there is no one alive who would willingly inherit my burdens for the chance at something transcendent. I do believe in love, very strongly as a matter of fact. I believed that love was something that wasn’t just abandoned when it was no longer interesting. Love is worth fighting for. I loved each and every one of my exes with passion, but that wasn’t enough to keep them when things were less than ideal.

No blame, but definitely a case study in what the future will likely hold. In the profession I am headed into, there are possibilities that I could meet someone in a potentially impossible context. I really think there is a glimmer of hope still, but not something I will be sticking my nose into for more sniffs. I feel thrown out enough times to be okay with being trash. Knowing what you know about me, I’m clearly not a hot commodity. Maybe one day I will be. I don’t think I ever need to be, but I do sincerely miss that feeling of having someone who was excited about getting to know me. Being explored, exploring someone else in return. Swapping truths and secrets. Making love together for the first time. These moments are like images captured in frames, still, lifeless, but forever ensnared in a shining moment where things felt beyond this world.

It is a struggle, but I come here to cope. Knowing that you will probably never be loved again is a hard thing to deal with, and not at all certain (even if it feels otherwise). It is, nevertheless, a truth I am preparing for since the path to companionship has become long ago lost in the obfuscating shroud of perception. I have not enough desirable to outweigh the repulsive. It is reality I strive to change, which is clearly an exercise in futility. Stigmatized and appropriately relegated. I’m not in a great place mentally. I don’t feel good about myself as someone that someone else would ever want. Physically I’m about as repulsive as I’ve ever been in all my life. I’m headed downhill as of the end of this post.

Down a Peg

Well I’m having a down day after game night last night. The lowered dose of Latuda might be a part of that. I had to step down as the higher doses were causing me some barfing of the not good variety. Mainly though, I’m feeling sad inside my body, penetrating all the way through my skin. I feel weighed down, slow, unresponsive and lethargic. Nothing captivates me, or even renders much of a distraction in my current state. I find myself thinking about being alone, and feeling lonely. I cherished companionship as much as I squandered it, and that truth has left me empty handed and futureless. I knew such vibrant women, and they all went away. Now I am all by myself in this world, being the only person I know who can consistently tolerate me.

My parents have done masterfully in regard to protecting me and keeping me from imploding. They are a constant anchor in the real world that I cherish. However, they are not that piece which represents a level of unattainable completeness or symbiosis. A central expression of meaningful union in partnership which has eluded me my entire life. In truth, the disability is my own, in my inability to conduct myself properly or consistently in my past relationships. I may be unloading the guilt cargo onto myself.


Now what? I have a frustrating amount of uncertainty in my future and also I am feeling less than inspired by my situation. It’s been a year since I even touched a woman, let alone had a relationship. The ache of absenteeism from participation grows over time, but becomes no more attainable as the moments pass. What are these memories of love? Are they joyous or are they a burden? I look at them and see what could have been, if only I knew then what I know now, and so on. The hindsight helps nothing. The core of it is that I am alone and remain alone, because that is what my life is right now. Largely by my own manifestations, but some due to exterior decision making, I have forged a path of aloneness.


I don’t think I should be allowed to hurt anyone again. I am quarantined, restricted and buried deep at the bottom of a mine shaft. I wish I hadn’t blown my chance to really be that person I had hoped I could be. The shape of my life has moved me past that point, and only the echoes of the days that have passed in the rare light of summer sunset. Every man has a time in his life where he sees the top of the mountain, the pinnacle of emotion, the height of passion and has a chance to relish that moment. That time, was some of the best time of my life. Subsequently, there were polar extremes in that time but the emotions I felt, the passion, the love, it was all so real and more beautiful than anything I have ever known. Those times are gone as the sun slipped beneath the horizon. I will never forget. I could never forget.


Maybe the future has something more for me, but I have no expectation. I plan to give whatever I have left to my family. They are the only thing that matters now. They never left me, they always helped me when I obliterated my existence. Many women have told me they loved me, but none of them did enough to want to stay and help me when the shit hit the fan. The terrible truth of my disability, the rapid deterioration of functionality, the heinous obesity of decay which permeates. I was too ugly to love in that state, and something more appealing was elsewhere. In the arms of another man or another life, there is a lure stronger than the word “love” which calls louder than the morality of the implication. What does love really imply? Is it worth fighting for? What does it mean to fight for love? See if there was even a shred of functional communication in any of those relationships we might have had a chance. Rot led to infection and then death, ignored, untreated, unaddressed. If ever I am to have happiness in the arms of another in my life it will need to have a FOUNDATION of communication. Core principle.


I don’t want to go back. What was back clearly didn’t work. I have evolved since then, and become more of a complete person now than at any point in my life. I do believe I have the tools I need to succeed despite my circumstance and emotional hardships. I loved them, but I couldn’t really talk to any of them. I didn’t know how. Neither did they. It took me nearly 15 years to learn, but fuck, I’m not going to sit here and bitch about being alone and not do a damn thing to change the reasons I am alone. If you can’t communicate, learn how! If you want to find someone who understands your definition of love? Try making it really clear what you stand for, what drives you and what you believe in. I’m not hopeless. It’s stupid to be hopeless since the future is entirely unwritten.


Thanks for being a part of my process this morning. I’m just dealing with my thoughts out here.

Geared and Remembering

Hey there Blog. Things have been fine in my sector. I’m getting the final things in order before the big move north. I still need to do my volunteer hours and I am working on several leads.

I find myself thinking back on the last five years with Jax and Amanda fondly, and with a desire to touch something that has long gone cold. There is no exercise here that results in success I deem. In reality, it’s just a reminder of something that never became what I’d hoped it would be. A final sense of diss appointment that resolved rather than destroys. For me, the absolution has been helpful, but I doo feel that ache. I remember. There’s no need to dwell, but I know in my mind that time is gone. My heart is undecided.

Tonight is game and things are going great. My story is unfolding very nicely and I do believe I have all possible contingencies planned and mapped. I want my players to be emerald in the experience and my attention to detail provides that I hope. I have not been writing, but there is plenty of future for that

Goodbye for now.


My parents are simply terrible communicators. I have listened to them down-spiral this morning as they fought each other in bed resulting in multiple verbal traumas. After all of the coaching I have done, it was as though my dam had been made of paper and been asked to hold back a lake. There was no moment in which good communication skills, or even basic listening took place. The downside of living with people in such close proximity is that if they had a bad relationship, it sends negative vibrations throughout the environment.

Personally, logic should have prevailed in their argument instead of suppressed emotions. Uncorking on each other is a pretty unproductive activity and results in no progress forward. In the short time I listened, I heard vocal agitation, misunderstandings not clarified, NO I statements at all, accusations, judgements and insults. These are not the tools we should be using with each other when attempting to communicate something important.

The one thing I have tried to pass on to them is a practical application for the principles of mindfulness. Before driving as fast as one can down the emotion freeway, we need to stop for gas and make sure we are headed in the right direction before charging off. My parents have failed at doing this, which leads to the bulk of their issues. Fights like the one they just had only deepen the ongoing resentment and cause bitterness and anger to take root. It’s a destructive process and they need to be aware of that before it becomes the ONLY way they know how to attempt to resolve conflict or attempt expression.

My first job as a Peer Support Specialist is to repair the broken communication bridges between my mom and dad, and help them find a better way to speak to each other. Obviously, what’s going on right now is not working, and no matter how hard they threaten, they’re not likely to go their separate ways. They just need a better way of communicating. which will need to be something they are both equally invested in doing. At this point, it should be obvious to them that what they have going on right now is unsustainable, or at least, in desperate need of repair.

I have often been this person for my parents, but I detect now things are different. I have a unique position of regard, and I need to take that role seriously and balance my approach as a true impartial figure. Frankly, this is not hard since both parties are in a similar state of decay, and similarly need work done in order to rectify the issue. I’m optimistic though, because this deterioration today is a valuable lesson about how we don’t want to keep doing things. Fights hurt. Feelings get smushed. Crying and snot happens a lot. It’s not the best thing ever. What we need to be doing is looking at that and going: “How did I get here?” “What do I need to do to prevent myself from getting here again?” If we can divest ourselves of the need to ridicule and blame, then we are likely to make progress forward.

So for now there are tears and anger, but soon the dust will settle and they will be more receptive. In times of acute emotional crisis, the best thing is to focus on diffusing that heightened state with compassion and safety. Once out of the altered state, the work of understanding can be done.


Hello Blog. I am pleased to address you now as a Certified Peer Support Specialist! I graduated Peer Employment Training with a 97.5%!

I have taken the first steps on my path towards a new career helping people at ground-level. I want to be someone who people remember positively, not negatively. I have so much damage in my wake, and a great desire to pay the kindnesses done to me forward. I have begun to walk towards a better life and the steps I have made so far have enriched me.

Yesterday I completed 8 hours of Mental Health First Aid, after 75 hours of Peer Employment Training. Two certificates though! YES! I will have a forth in a couple weeks when i finish NAMI’s Peer and Family Support Specialist training. As you can see, I am serious about making my life into something I can be proud of. I feel more empowered and proactive than I have in months to be sure. I have, again, faced a relapse down and achieved stability after. I will not let those moments end me, but instead, show me a new beginning.

I have completed the bulk of my training down here and now I have come to find out we will be moving even sooner than late summer. Now the move is a short two months away, and we are already putting the machine of home-search into action. We are now looking for a place we are likely to spend years living in.

I saw a beautiful girl at training yesterday. I wish I could have told her what I thought, to boost her confidence, but the whole thing is an unwanted can of worms. Everything about the thoughts that formed after was terrible. A series of disappointments, misunderstandings and regret. It all happened within a couple of seconds. That’s all the consideration there is anymore because I’m becoming securely Asexual. Life can still have people in it, mind you. Love takes all sorts of interesting shapes. Isolation is not the answer to anything really. I just have a new proximity boundary which I need to respect for my ongoing health. Stability is paramount.

I hope you are all having a good weekend. I am enjoying a well-earned day off from the learns. I have many of dem.

In It

I am pleased to report that my PET training is going very well, and I am learning a great deal from my classmates. They are all so bold and open with their feeling, which inspires me to do the same despite my reservations. It’s not just the skills, but how they are implemented that is making a difference for me.


Today we are sharing our personal stories which I am a little frightened of. It is a abrasive feeling to talk about myself flatteringly, and this is the hurdle I am striving to overcome with this career path. I can’t deny the facts that I have done great things, but I still have my hands on the reins to prevent the glorification wagon from going over the cliff. My humility is one of my best qualities, which reinforces a desire to not proclaim self worth with any sort of volume.


But the facts remain that I have done good and I am doing better than I have ever been before. Even if I throw doubt at that, it doesn’t stick. Logic prevails. However, there are far more mercurial subjects that lend themselves to a more destructive path of logical reasoning. It can be both useful, and poignantly detrimental. I have plunged to my lowest lows because of that negative logic spiral. I learned my train could be hijacked.


I wish I had these skills a long time ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such an abrasive partner or husband If I had better communication skills, or better listening skills. I can logic that back a bit by also recognizing that even if I had been a good communicator, doesn’t mean that would be a mutual thing. All my partners had no true ability to grapple with themselves honestly, so nothing of true worth ever came to be between them and I. I see so clearly now what a functional relationship is supposed to look like. Even though I’m content that I will never have that for myself, I feel empowered knowing my future interactions will be significantly more diverse than they had been in the past. There are fewer mental obstacles to my success than I can ever remember before.


Well Blog, I think today is going to be a good day. I promise to be open and genuine with my classmates, and tell them the story of my journey as only I can tell it.



Peer Employment Training is underway, and the next two weeks are going to be very busy. I, by the time it is over, have myself a state certificate for peer support. Truly, this is a monumental step in completing my MH training. I have a newfound sense of enthusiasm for my life.

Subsequently, I found myself wanting to reach out to Jax, because I miss her. Just talking to her, seeing the unique spark of her creativity and as rewarding. I guess the thought of leaving here next summer, and never seeing her again is pressing down on me. I don’t know why I’m feeling this, I just know she was special.

I’m full of thoughts. I know I’m improving as a communicator and in my emotional development. These coming days will be hard, but rewarding to be sure. Well, class is about to begin. See you later.


Here I am doing a check-in experiencing some emotional turbulence. I am thinking about my past relationships longingly, aching in the way that love feels once it has gone from a place. I still remember the feeling of being in love with incredible longing. It is a place I most enjoyed when I was there, but realize the intrinsic cost involved. Experience love = lose stability. I have a feeling this is still true, despite my evolved state. I could probably make a relationship work if things continued in this way, but will I? Probably not. Even in an ideal circumstance, it adds a new and unattractive variable to a life that is becoming well managed on its own. I do believe we all have a different way of being wired into our perceptions of reality. Mine have been wired differently than yours, and where you might need a relationship to feel complete, I realize that will never be my fate. I have tried to walk that path and nearly destroyed myself over and over again. I think back on love and still miss it, yes. Does that necessitate changing my life direction? Is it so overwhelming that I must bend to its will in order to survive?

I am back on PsychCentral too and posting on the forums. There are potentially dozens of people out there who could use help. I need to polish my profile, get out there and comment. I can be a resource for many more people than are locally available. More impact. More change. More listening. All of these aspects of MH care I am embracing and pursuing. The future looks bright. I know I have been on about this, but MH should excite you too, when you think about the positive future good care leads to.

The Icon

This was something I was working on as my first marriage fell apart. I wanted the stigma to be faced with the ever-evolving perseverance of hope. There are lots of poorly illustrated labels going on here, but mainly, that even something as atrocious and repugnant as I can still be full of life. I am going to overcome this bio-hazard symbol and turn it in to something beautiful and alive. I am not my illness, and I refuse to be defined as such. I am a fantastic person, full of the complex intricacies of a well developed organism. I am proud of who I am and the plant continues to grow out in all directions. I am making this symbol, forgotten for the past 10 years, my future. It will represent the new direction I am headed; a place fueled by the promise of a better tomorrow. Whether I can make it happen for myself, or anyone else, I will try my hardest to make that happen. We all deserve a chance to thrive. I have been there, and it felt very good to be stable. I felt so proud. I want others to feel the same about the accomplishments they achieve. This symbol is me, and it always will be.

Learn By Eating Shit

Hello there bloggy place. I was thinking about my run-ins with relationships, as I still have a lot of feelings attached to this aspect of my adult past. It is not an area I have totally abandoned, but my military occupational presence there has been reduced to a bare minimum. I have fought many battles while suffering horrifying sums of casualties in this war. I have the scarred landscape to prove it, along with a turbulent past whose narrative is saddening. I have always had this deluded and incomplete idea for what it means to be with someone, which perpetuated an unrealistic reality. Was I a great communicator, friend or listener? I feel like I blew a lot of my own people up in the process of being defeated because I didn’t have the right state of mind to understand the nature of the dilemma. Love that is built on a foundation which starts with self-acceptance. I don’t even pretend to have fully grasped the concept, hence my current independent status.

I feel love in my heart still, old fondness for things that are long gone. Faces I once knew. You know how those things just sort of flutter back? I’ll be thinking idly here in my space and then I will think of her. I’ll remember something I had forgotten. This is an interesting problem for me, because I tend to have a variety of responses to these feelings coming back into my active mind. I often am triggered by music, but regardless, I have ways of spinning these potentially troublesome moments into something positive. I often feel the ache of the hurt associated with my exes, but then I think too of how they had each taught me something about myself and how beautiful they were.

I have been vocal about my downfall, which is part of the process of healing. For me, there is only one way out of the dark place, and that is the light of the truth. There is no escape with a self-gratifying delusion. There will be no light without acceptance, and recognition. I could never have come to realize the things I have about my personality and my flaws if I hadn’t come to accept just how badly I had fucked up. When things go wrong, the investigators are called in to figure out how the thing got fucked up and what made it break. Then we study, and learn EVERYTHING there is to know about “why.” Embrace where your own people fucked up, or where something wicked was intentionally done to you. There’s only so much we can control, right? Everything on the inside of me I can do something about, since that’s my domain. Or, I can try to exert as much control over that are as is possible. However, things on the outside I can’t do shit about, and I accept that some bad things are going to happen. How I respond to that is the true test of my skills. If I can respond articulately, I might be able to diffuse. I have often failed miserably at this task. This is another of the things I still have to learn as I go through my life.

Even after all the pain, there is still love. For me, that is beautiful, in a way. Each of them has a part of me that is only theirs, and always will be. It was a wonderful thing, when it was good and the love was strong. It was a thing that had a life of its own and grew between us, and with our love for each other we helped it thrive. The act is wonderful, and I feel very fulfilled having made beautiful memories in my life. I can go forward with enough goodness in me to last the rest of my days. I have those thoughts to go back to and remember that there was a time when being with someone was wonderful. There is also the lesson of failure there, which is why remembering is harmless versus reproduction. I don’t wish to re-create new memories of love, but only revisit the times that there was love. Though, I find I am, more or less, responding to these feelings of loneliness since declaring my independence. Knowing the path I have chosen is one I will probably walk alone has been humbling, but also invigorating and empowering. I have such confidence in my strength to be able to call back upon emotionally heavy times and not sink or rise in any unhealthy way. A sign of progress to be sure.

I bring this stuff up mostly as a way to process my emotions as I move through my life. I have decided not to send any more energy into the aspect of my journey that hopes to bind itself to another. I have resigned to the fact that I might be alone, or I might find someone out there who is the right fit. I am not going to force anything, and divert my energy towards rebuilding myself. I want to be strong and independent again. I remember feeling like an empowered intellectual, and I had a radiance that drew people to me. I want to get back to that point, where I felt good about who I was. A charismatic ambiance I want to capture again. It’s out there somewhere, and I am looking to rise back to that point once more. Getting involved in the mental health community is a big step in helping me to establish worth as I build towards that glowy place.

Thanks for being a part of my thought vomit session. I feel a lot more relaxed and confident in my direction. I know a lot of mentally ill people who really want to be with someone, and that’s not the way for me, and it might not be for some of them either.


On Thursday, I’m going to meet my Side by Side companion and see if I can help him. I’m pretty fucking awesome, so my hopes are high. I like meeting on the winter solstice too. Literally, the darkest day of the year and here I am holding tightly to the light of hope. To me, it’s an interesting coincidence, since every day can feel like the darkest day of the year to someone who is depressed. This captures the importance of tomorrow in both a literal and metaphorical significance. I am pleased by the nature of such oddities.

I have been visiting the San Diego NAMI office a lot lately and everyone there has been really great. They have turned me on to resources and may have even got my name moved up in the PET waiting list. I was expecting to be on hold until some time next year, after speaking with some savvy individuals. I feel very fortunate that I have been given this opportunity and I won’t miss out. Overall, I feel like I am taking patient, measured steps forward advancing my career and causes.

I live bound to my honesty. It is the backbone of my pride, and helps fend off depression and negative thoughts. I hope to illuminate the strength that can be found within, once one is willing to accept the truth. However foul or unforgiving, the basis of all recovery is to have ones feet in the real world, and work on the rest over time.

I don’t give advice anymore, especially since my in-depth education on mindfulness. I am learning more and more the two aspects of effective communication. Hopefully this peer to peer experience helps me build on my skills. I feel genuinely optimistic about this new direction in my life and know I am already starting to make a difference.

I am proud of who I am to my parents. They see me not only as their son, but a voice of moderation and reason in their sometimes turbulent relationship. I have always been called an “old soul,” despite my insistence that such descriptions are in accurate to my core beliefs. Nevertheless, I have this shamanistic sagelyness to my demeanor that generally appeals. All of these aspects help me be as friendly as lukewarm bathwater. These “medium” qualities help me keep my mother lassoed to the Earth as she rockets away from the surface at mach 8 and scoot the boulder of reason that is my father close to her. He’s just barely holding on to the balloon string most of the time. Now, there is a big piece of elastic underwear holding them together. I’ll let you imagine your way out of that one.

I do hope you all have a happy holiday season. Celebrate however you want, with those you hold dear. Cherish each other. We only have a widow of time together in this world.

Creativity Lost and Found

I have been afforded a unique opportunity to explore a “world” that had been dormant for a long time, as you can see by my fiction of late. This new spark has brought life a new color and added a smile to my face. At the same time as this creativity spurns new life, it reminds me of the last time I ventured down this avenue of thought.

Jax and I started a blog called “Ruptured Worlds” many years ago, and we planned to bring our two imaginations together and unite the fantasy worlds we had each created. She had a deep and rich world full of dimensions, languages and fantastic creatures, and I too had a setting that was deep and immersive. That was something I really still love about her, is that she is a wild dreamer. Her creativity was compelling, and I still do not regret any of the money I invested in helping her realize her potential. We wanted to create a fantasy story in sort of a living way, where posts on the blog advance the plot and document the narrative over time.

Not everything worked out the way I wanted, and I think this Ruptured Worlds thing was one of the last things we ever spoke about. She lost a lot of her content when we split, but none of it had been documented on the blog as we never wrote a single post. I didn’t have anything more than a “coming soon” sort of blurb to our non existent audience. It makes me sad to think that world she created never had a chance to be realized and shared. This is one of many regrets. However, my own imaginative enterprise is marching ahead with a new infusion of interest.

I have often times refused to take credit for “coming up” with this world, as I dreamed it all in such vivid clarity. All was made apparent to me, at least, the primary mechanic of the “universe.” This reality is different, and loaded with heritage, history and strife.  When I awoke, I documented my experiences, and began to fill in the details. I soon thereafter spiraled into mania and went on a two day 72 page tear where I didn’t sleep and constantly obsessed. I have recently discovered the document I created at the peak of my illness. I originally composed it in 2004 and it is loaded with emotional sadness and loneliness of a profound variety. This universe, or reality, has grown over the years, and players have been added to the story. I have also turned this world in to (now) 3 D&D campaigns. The one I am running now is by far the best iteration of the universe. I have a deep and engrossing story and a compelling plot which will drive the engine of creativity forward.

This new campaign brings up memories of Jen too, as she was the star character in the first D&D game in this universe. She and I were entwining by then and the narrative they all crafted takes me down a road of thinking about the memories we made. There were some good times in there, albeit, far outweighed. It’s the same sort of feeling I get for Jax: there is a fondness for that beautiful moment where our minds were playing together, contrasted with all the damage we later inflicted upon each other. Would those campaigns and moments had as much potency if not for those women I loved being wrapped up in them? I contend that the emotional gravitas of the story was amplified by the feelings I had, but not the source of them. I have an unending well of enthusiasm for this reality, and I greatly enjoy any chance to openly recreate there. With or without female companionship.

This is a good chance for me to be solemn and thankful. I am glad for the loves I have had and the good memories we shared. Those rare moments where I felt truly and unconditionally understood. I have come to a sort of peace with my past in that sense, otherwise visiting The Realm would be a painful excursion. For me, I can relish the now, while celebrating what there is to from our pasts. I regret, yes, and I’m sure that’s a mutual thing. I don’t have to wear my mistakes on my sleeve, but I do need to be aware of them (as I have said countless times). Negative emotions, grudges and anger all drain down what little energy I have available to keep my boat upright. Some people have no problem holding on to anger. It tears me apart and destroys me over time, like holding radioactive waste in my hand. So I gave up on that. The free energy I have now can go toward things like helping the disadvantaged and the severely mentally ill. I have the freedom to create an an environment unencumbered by anger and pain. The world is wide open blog. We are missing out on taking in the good if we are only focusing on the bad.

In this new dawn of creativity found, I still take the time to look back with fondness at all that has been. Memories stained with pain, but there are still fibers of that moment that are not lost. There is always something to be gained and some way to grow. Don’t let a catastrophe pass by without changing something about yourself. Bad things do happen, but so do beautiful things. I choose to look through the filter of someone who forgives and has forgiven himself. I choose to create, not destroy.


Exit Stage Left

I know a great deal of this blog has been a narrative of my journey towards partnership. Starting with Jax and all that followed since the blog was re-established, I have had nothing but failure. My own doing? Yeah, a lot of it was, truly and I accept my responsibility for that. I have also been afforded a great deal of time to be introspective after my last encounter with relationships. This moment, here and now in my adult life, I have come to a clear understanding about myself. I have mentioned this earlier, but I do believe it to be more true now than ever. I need to be alone, for my own safety, and the emotional safety of others. I have fully come to understand that as things stand now, I am not at all ready to embark on a partnership, and I know for certain I never want a family. I have seen what relationships are, and hoped for what they could be. I am very sure that the instability that most people can cope with in their partnerships jeopardizes my mental stability. I can’t manage my own mental health and be constantly worried, anxious, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. I have never had equality, unconditional love, or respect. Maybe that’s because I never earned any of those things, but I’m definitely not he best judge of that.

Regardless of where the blame falls, I seem incapable of producing a healthy relationship. I have give it plenty of tries and have no more tolerance for failure. At this point, I need to get used to the idea of being happy regardless of love or partnership. I need to be able to by happy in my life and not looking around for more. I’m living with my amazing parents now, and helping take to load off my mom for my dad’s care. I’m part of a family unit again, and that feels good. We all love each other, unconditional. They have saved me from disaster on multiple occasions, and now is my chance to give back to them. I’m with them now, as they get older and need more help. My sister will be there too when we move, so It’s not going to be all me or anything. I am genuinely glad to be entering this time in my life. I want to help, I need it. I use that to build meaning in my life again with accomplishments I can look back at and feel proud of. I need to feel like I am helping, that I’m giving back to my world rather than sucking he essence out of it.

I’m feeling bolstered in my confidence about my life direction lately. I have integrated into a new home, with change and prosperity on the horizon. I won’t give my time and energy to a mindless corporate entity, but will endeavor to help someone who is less well off than I am and help them build confidence and feel understood. I hope you all too find wisdom in your introspection, as I have. I see what will help keep me healthy and what will not. I see now where I have made a misstep, and where I need to be more careful in the future. I’m not closing the door blog, but I used to give a great deal of energy to finding someone. That energy is going towards improving my mental health now, and forwarding my new life with my family. I think that’s a much more useful application of my resources, don’t you?

Winding Down Normal

Mental Health: +3.5

Body Energy: +2
It’s the last full day of vacation, which has me thinking about how horrible work is going to be when I get back. A rude awakening from this lush, verdant paradise I find myself in. The air here is so clean. 

I have enjoyed my stay up here at 6,200 feet above sea level. Soon it will be time to make the long 530 mile journey home. To separate oneself from the usual and introduce the extrodinary has proven to be a thoroughly rewarding activity. I think I will be ready to go back when it is time. 

Carly is back in my world and I am very glad to have her. She adds an electric spark to my reality where there was previously emptiness. I still worry that our physical relationship might be limited or cause anxiety, but we will just have to play that as it comes. I really like her, and I’m very attracted to her as well, so there are all the ingredients to a successful pairing. I need more friends, and Carly is that and then some. I hope I get to spend some time with her in person soon, I really miss staring into her beautiful eyes. She is strikingly gorgeous. 

I don’t know what’s next, but life never ceases to amaze me with its twists and turns. Anything is possible, as long as you are alive and in the world to experience it. I won’t raise my expectations just yet, as the future is very uncertain. I have boundless optimism at this point. My scores are pretty good, and I’m feeling very alive. I hope this continues. 

Have a good day blog. 

Pillow Talk

Hello blog. I haven’t written to you in a while, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been in a rut lately and many small things have added up to a lot of weight. Though, overall, I’m doing alright. I’m not acutely suffering, but some of the symptoms of depression are there. The fatigue, slow motivation, disturbing anxieties and skepticism seem to pervade, and especially in the morning. I was an hour late getting in today, for example. 

I feel much better though, now that I’m in bed. I’m happy here. Everything is soft with the fuzzies and warm. It makes me feel safe from all of the anxieties and stresses of my day. It is the one place I can go and feel at peace and protected in a very fundamental sense. Logically? No explanation whatsoever. I don’t even bother to understand it. It just makes me feel good and it’s not a controlled substance so you should be happy 

Will has been a great friend in this tough time. He’s always willing to talk to me about stuff, and has loads of insight from someone who knows me well. I have been meaning to ask, but he must look back on who I was in high school and wonder where that guy went. That me was direct, merciless, insane, goofy and bizarre. The only one of those things I still am is direct. I used to be so vital and energetic, but as time went on, it broke me. I collapsed. After that first depression and meds, I became someone different. I do not know how to compare these two states. Both are good and bad for different reasons. I favor stability and old me was in no way stable. 

I think I lost Carly. It would be sad but expected. She got scared by my herpes and that pretty much quashed the flame she may have had burning for me. She seemed to be really interesting, with a full life. However, she detached from me a long time ago for many reasons. It’s not the way I wanted things to go, but this disintegration was inevitable, it seems. 

I just want to have a normal day, you know, where I wake up refreshed? A day where I can focus clearly, have meaningful social interactions and feel solidly good. I have had days like that before. I’m trying everything to promote that possibility with my actions tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Goodnight blog. I promise to stop by more often. I haven’t forgotten you, I’m just struggling. 

Stumbling Forward

I got into this mode of living as an independent man to help forward my ongoing mental health, but at the same time I am taxed by being alone. It is a tough balance. I need friends, but not deeply attached friends. I need meaningful exchanges without love or lust getting in the way. I have said it before but I think getting herpes has really helped me realize how alone I need to be to be healthy. Relationships fuck me up, and I will have no more of them. 

I will have women who I care for in my life, but not love with passion. Friends who can share memories and stories and show interest in each other’s lives. The thing I am trying to avoid is love and all the baggage that comes with it. Love has chewed me up and spit me out more than a few times. I’ve learned my lesson. Now I have a chance to prove my intentions as valid. 

Things happen and we respond. Life presents us with new challenges daily. In the end, I’m the only one who’s responsible for my life. If I want to live it proudly or in the shadows, that’s up to me. I was just telling Will about taking something of worth from the poorest deals. There is a truth to be gleaned from great loss and suffering. Maybe what we learn can move us forward instead of back? I didn’t make this road easy, but it’s mine to embrace and plow through. I’m ready for that blog. I did this. This whole thing is on me, not anyone else. I own that and I will do what I can to live true and proud regardless. 

Sometimes it hurts to think about just how lonely and unfulfilled I’m going to be for the rest of my life. That too was my choice and my burden. I’m here because I put myself here. I’m the only one who can make something of worth out of what’s left. I have next to nothing to show for my life and a weight on me I will never be free of. I have come to terms with all of this and vow to push on. Even if no one comes with me, I’m going forward. I won’t turn away in shame. I will face my pain and embrace my ultimate isolation. 

Tomorrow is Wednesday, and I’ll still be the same fucked up me I am right now when I wake up. There is no reset, there is just tomorrow. 

Burning Out

Remember how I said that Sunday was my last family activity? I forgot to mention my parents are moving as well, and as of this afternoon that task too will be completed. Meanwhile, I’m barely hanging on. My energy is in the tank, my attitude sucks and my motivation has shriveled up and died. It has been a grueling week plus a few days. 

However, by the time late afternoon gets here, I really will be left alone to have my weekend. I can relax and regain some inertia. This run has taxed me, and there have been consequences. Mainly, I drive much more aggressively than I have in the past. I need to stop doing that because it is dangerous and not beneficial. I also blew up at this lady who asked me if I could plug her dual diagnosis site. At first I told her yes, back earlier in the week, but as you can see, I haven’t had the strength to post until now. She poked me yesterday asking if I had done my favor for her, and I told her I’d post it when I was good and ready, if at all. If I’m the one helping you out, don’t prod me to get me to do it faster. That’s infuriating. So, I’m not going to post her content as a reminder to myself and others: treat me with respect, and you will be treated with the same… treat me like an idiot and count me out. 

It’s an hour before my alarm goes off. I just had a series of perturbing dreams that I clearly remember, for once (a byproduct of hugely reduced cannabis intake). I dreamed about Amanda, and that I was kicking the shit out of her ex husband. But he was like, unstoppable. He insisted on annoying me and no matter how hard I hit him or choked him or smashed his face with bricks, he just kept coming. He tore my Fitbit off my arm, he stole my phone, he was standing over me while I was in bed, it gets weirder from there. Amanda and I tried to have sex but he was right there and I couldn’t get hard. It was totally strange. Then there was an alien invasion and people were being harvested and taken up to the mothership. We were all fugitives running from safe house to rendezvous point. For some reason or another, Amanda and I had to split up. I cried because I knew we were both going to be caught before we reached the next safe place, and I was never going to see her again. It was a strange dream with a bummer ending. 

Today I’m finishing up the move for my parents. We are hauling food to the new apartment. After today, moving time will be over. I can’t tell you how badly I need the time off. I also really want to see Carly but she’s been busy for the last two months. A product of circumstance, mind you. I still believe Carly is repulsed and also not interested in talking about my herpes, which will relegate our relationship to a platonic state. I guess I don’t mind that, since I was the one who did this to myself. I can’t expect anyone to want to have sex with me anymore. 

Well blog, one more day. 

Complications and Resolutions

In light of my good friend Will’s decision to pursue a physical relationship with his friend Erin, I have been giving some thought to the same perplexing possibility in my own life. The ingredients are all there for both of us, but I’m quite intent upon making a totally different meal than the one Will did.

Mainly, I don’t trust myself in that situation, and I don’t believe I could repress my feelings the way he has to. Sex creates bonds of closeness and that is something I want to avoid. Will is stronger, and he believes he can walk this road and not get hurt. I know in my heart that I could not do the same, as appealing as it sounds.

It’s not that I don’t like sex and closeness (I really do),  but when I look back over my life, I see failed relationships where I acted with my heart and got involved in things that would come unraveled eventually because I was too blind to see it wasn’t a good fit. At this point, I should know better than to go thinking with my dick or appeasing my feelings of loneliness with  companionship. I have seen where that way of acting gets me.

So I am both envious and fearful for my best friend. I hope he knows when to put the breaks on if that’s what needs to happen. It’s not a good match for him as far as a relationship goes, in my opinion. He deserves much better. As do I. I’m willing to hold off my urges and desires because I know that the end result is far more painful than the few good times that get sprinkled in along the way. Cost-benefit analysis.

Plus, it helps that I’m not looking for that satisfaction, and he is. I say if you have control over your life and don’t mind bringing in outside factors, then more power to you. If anything, it has made me realize how much I don’t want what he has, even if the idea sounds pretty fucking sweet. I know I’m not ready for that type of thing; not now, and not in a long time. My own dynamic with Carly  I believe may have lost the physical component but there’s no way to be sure at this time, while also irrelevant if that suspicion is true. If it has, then so be it… my life is headed in the direction of my choosing with or without it.

I guess this whole situation made me feel conflicted, then resolved. I do this with myself every so often; eventually coming back to a resolution about my attitude and behavior. I really do like this life I have where I only have myself to worry about keeping happy, or dealing with. I have a loving family and a strong sense of self… I really do have all the tools I need to launch a successful independent life laid out before me. I’m not going to let my dick get in the way of that, regardless of how nice it all feels to indulge. The temptation is strong, but I’m not ready, which is the final word on the matter.

This weekend has been a fucking blast. Fun parties every single day, family from out of town, beer on tap, Mexican food… do I really need to go on? Oh, did I mention my sister is going to have a baby??? I’m going to be an uncle! Hobie, that little man will be named, and he already has his first two onesies that I bought for him. I made a card for my sister too about how happy I am she’s bringing a new member of the family in to our lives. So many grand kids running around already it’s intoxicating and wonderful. Such a nourishing environment full of people who love me.

That’s the kind of thing I want to cultivate. I’ve always looked t make my own ideal family unit with some new woman from the outside, but now I realize I had one all along right under my nose. I need to spend more time nurturing the love that is already there and stop looking for it in other places.

Have a good rest of your weekend, as I no doubt will.


Silhouetted in red sunset,

The dance of electric air.

Thin fingers softly,

Caress of her deep eyes,

The shattered, whispered smile.

Vagrant delight like tower bells–

Held in memory.

Too alive to be real,

Lost like a shout into a gale. 

Faded memory is all but gone. 

Dreams forgotten by the light of dawn. 

Coping With Me

Hey blog. I’m just starting out this transitional time where I become as self reliant as I have been in recent memory. To do so is also a test in endurance, as now great swaths of my time are spent in solitude. I have relied on the energy of others to help ignite me; I must now find a way to ignite myself. I am having a hard time with this concept right now. I’m alone in my apartment again and here with my thoughts. Those thoughts not always being so pleasant. I’m looking for my happy place, but I don’t even know if there is one to find. I’m not saying I want to deviate, mind you, but I am having reservations about not being loved. Relationships are wonderful when they are healthy, but those times have been few for me. A lot of that was to do with me, and my instability. In light of all my experience in the relationship front, I think it’s fair to say that was my shot. I had my prime, I squandered it. Now that time is over, and relationships are just too much stress and turmoil to willingly invite into my world. I’m going to do a lot better without them, and who knows, I may pick up some cool friends along the way. I’d never close myself to opportunity, but will I be investing any more of my time in that direction, no. Instead, I will be redirecting that energy towards getting my degree. That’s my long term goal, and I want to make this little life for myself. It’s just hard being here alone. Knowing that no one out there wishes you were with them instead. It’s not devastating, but it hurts to think about. Subsequently, after I’ve had a pout I am significantly less likely to play Edain or do anything fun. I try not to mope but what can I do? I should feel sad about being banished, it’s what I deserve.


Well, have a decent night blog.

Push to Reset

I know it’s been a few days and I do regret that. I seem to handle things better the more often I check in. Lately, I have been getting used to my state being perpetually alone. I don’t see this as a negative thing in my mind, and in a way, I take my circumstance as a sign pointing towards the life I will lead. My forced solitude is a blessing, and that is the thing I have come to see clearly. What I need, is time with myself. I will be as strong as I have ever been because the love I have is for myself comes first. I want to be independent and proud, but not distant or aloof. I’m not closing the door on a relationship, I’m just not going to go out looking for one any more. Whatever happens is fine, as long as I can maintain my independence. I’m just not meant to be with anyone. 

In short, I’m going to find some kind of happiness in my new way of living and that will be enough. I’ve just come to realize what is and isn’t possible anymore. It’s never been more clear. There is no going back. 

I’m determined, and desperate. However, on a promising new heading. Here’s hoping I don’t have a catatonic meltdown in a few weeks. 


It took a major calamity, but things have started to come together for me mentally. I have herpes, not attributable to any one person or event. I hadn’t been tested in 10 years, which means it could have happened a long time ago and I would never have known. This event has caused me to realize a few things, and has brought a sort of focus to my behavior that I had been unable to find. I see very clearly now who I am, and what my path ahead looks like, and it is now on me to embrace it fully. I intend to live me life proudly, regardless of diagnosis or situation. Blog, it has become apparent that I need to be able to be completely alone and also fully healthy. I need to be able to depend on myself for everything I could want in this world, and be the only thing I truly need. My allegiance has been divided my whole life between myself and others, and now I know what I must do.

I’m sorry in part that this revolution had to come at the cost of my sexual freedom, but it is that very thing that caused a great deal of my hardships in the first place. My sexual urges led me into disastrous relationships, unsafe situations and countless other mistakes that have cost me dearly over the years. I don’t have the freedom to be that way any more, and I will spare myself from making even more mistakes farther on down the road. I am not saying I won’t have a sex life, but it will be consensual, safe and slow-developing. I am also okay with not ever having sex again, if that were the case.

I have had my fun with relationships, and failed every time I tried to have one. I have had two divorces, and made subsequent mistakes across a nearly 15 year span. I had my chance to get it right, and I don’t think I ever will because of who I am and how unstable my demeanor is through the years. I must come to terms with that reality because there is a strong likelihood that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t intend to end up that way, but I know that future is out there and is entirely probable.

In the end, this terrible, life-changing curse has actually bestowed on me a sense of clarity I have not had in an exceptionally long time. I feel resolved, confident, and ready to embrace myself as the proprietor of my own fate. I think relationships and me just do not go together, and at least this way, I will be happy no matter if I am with someone or not. I have always looked to others for the truth, when I needed to find it within myself all along. I know things will be different, but this is who I am. Regardless of malady, I am still grateful to be me and also feel at peace with my life. It has been many weeks since I felt this positive about the world.

Right now, I’m calm, content and enjoying my Friday night with myself. This is the shape of my life, and needs to be acceptable as such for the remainder of my time here. I think that is entirely possible, but I will never isolate myself to any one fate. The future is all about possibilities, and I won’t limit mine.

I’m thankful to be here in the world and living my life. Whatever happens, I will stay true to myself and never compromise who I am. It’s a revolution blog, and the sun is rising on the horizon.




Tenderly through damp hair,

Along the soft curve of her neck–

Lost in deep pools of blue.

Somewhere in that moment–

When in union,

Entwined in the act,

Eyes that drive into the soul–

Laid bare and exposed,

Dripping and moving,

Two worlds become one.

The wells of her beauty,

Captivated in her many places,

Those precious seconds,

Given gladly in adoration.


A Good Talk

Carly and I had a very frank and realistic discussion together today and we went over our current “relationship” and what it means for each of us. I was greatly reassured by this discussion and ever the more interested in getting close to Carly. She struck down some of my anxieties about how she felt, and gave our situation the perfect description: “more than friends.” That’s what it is really, and it’s very good to be more than friends with her.

My anxieties stem from paranoid suspicions and misinterpreted facts. The main concern was that I thought that even though she was busy, she still didn’t really want to talk to me. That was quickly dispatched with reassurances to the contrary. Her life has become temporarily busy with family and friends, and I understand that. She does want to talk, she just can’t as often.

I don’t really want to think about the future, as this tends to be the realm of anxiety. Instead, I want to think about now, and how rapidly I can get some Carly over here. I’m going to do everything I can to spend time with that girl blog. I will not let this situation fall apart because of a lack of effort on my part. I have an ultimatum: I must see Carly before end of day Sunday. The more time I spend with her, the better I feel. The deeper we talk, the more I grow to admire her. She is living as a proud, independent woman, and I fully support that! That’s something I can look up to; a person with goals and dreams and a will to get there. Why wouldn’t I want to spend my time around that?


I hope that by adding me to her life, I will help make it more possible for her goals to become a reality (either directly or indirectly). That is my ultimate hope. I want her to stay a vibrant and independent woman, but also choose to have me around too. If things coalesce, then I will be happy. So that is what I am going to keep in my mind, and work towards with my actions.


It has been a while since I wrote directly about Carly. To be honest, my feelings in this area are a tad turbulent because of the unstable footing I find my self on. We are holding in a pattern of intimate friendship, but I feel like our bond is weakening even as my feelings for her grow stronger. I enjoy spending time with her, whether we are just chatting or if we are actually together. I know that, especially lately, her time is highly limited. I am doing the best I can to maintain a healthy interaction with her going forward but it has been hard.
I see the road we are on, but I don’t know where it leads. This has caused me to be nervous that I could just as easily be cut loose as I could be asked to stay on board. I have started reaching out to other women on Match, but my heart really isn’t in it. I still have feelings for Carly, but I don’t know if she will ever be ready to date me. I can’t put all my eggs in one basket. As a responsible adult, I mist keep my options open in case Carly finds someone she would rather try to date.
It’s an interesting time blog. I have a lot of feelings that would very much like a stable place to grow, but can’t be afforded one yet. I am not going to date anyone else while I am seeing Carly with an intimate component to out relationship. In my mind, I’m still dedicated to giving her the first shot. The opportunity to be my partner will run out eventually, and if no progress has been made, then I will disconnect from Carly physically and just try being her platonic friend. I can’t wait around forever, but I can hang on a long time.
I only hope I get the proper respect I deserve in this situation, as a proud man who deserves adoration and attention. I will not be happy until I have found that. Hopefully my ongoing enthusiasm for Carly and the life she and I could live together continues to grow and build strength. I want to try and make something with her, but I need her to be ready for that at some point. We will just have to wait and see.


Blog, things are headed in a positive direction and I am encouraged. I feel like I am in firm control of my life and gladly redirecting it to interact with another. Carly and I spent the night toghether Friday night, and although we didn’t have sex (or oral), we expressed our desire to do so physically. It was extrodinarily erotic and a moment of bonding that I feel very strongly about. It took great trust on her part to put herself in that situation. I definitely wanted to have sex since I was so worked up, but talking about what you want is vastly different than expecting or demanding it. I like to express my thoughts, which is a means of actualizing my passion. Helps to reassure anxiety too. Now there is no doubt what I’m ready for. What WE were/are ready for. 

We talked and touched until 1 in the morning, got 3 measly hours of sleep and then I popped awake… thank you biological alarm. I started making coffee, that, and my pouncing on her, caused Carly to be awake as well. We talked some more. She was tired and I was a shit head for waking her up. However, she needed to leave by 8 she said which we were barely on time for even when I woke us up. The extra time talking was also really valuable. She got home safe and I’m certain we will be doing this again soon. 

I am feeling pretty nominal. I would say I have genuine interest in becoming more comfortable with Carly, but I’m still progressing through the development of my feelings. I care about her because she is a person who excites me and who deserves to be; she lives her life in a morally honest and good way that is so rare in this world. I respect and admire people like that. She is someone I’m attracted to, very deeply, and we seem to have the right physical chemistry. I need time to be consistent with her, and have her be the same to me. We need to survive turbulence and disagreement while also getting stronger because of it. It’s those types of signs that will unlock my emotions further. I need to trust this. Partly why I wanted sex so badly is that I wanted the seriousness it brings. I want the security of having made that special connection with her that can never be taken away. I would feel more trust and safety, but I am also fine with having those things develop naturally in time. It just appeases my anxiety if I have certainty faster. 

I have a lot waiting to be explored blog, but I am also doing this the right way. I’m not going apeshit and demanding dramatic action (or taking it). I’m pacing my emotional development in accordance with a healthy level of trust accumulation and the construction of the bonds of friendship. I want to get to those emotions, because I know how good they feel when they are all lit up. It’s like no drug on Earth, I’m sure. Love is the greatest feeling in all of reality, but it can only thrive if it is built from a healthy foundation. If done too hastily, the house will not stand for long. Patience builds the stronger structure that will endure the test of time. 

I have a lot left to learn, but it seems like things are headed in a good direction. I need to talk with Will today and get a reality check. I need to know if I’m okay right now and he can give me a baseline. I have a feeling he’s going to find no reason to be concerned but I need to be sure. He’s seen me manic, depressed and many stops in between. It’s good to have someone hold the mirror up to you. Introspection is hard, but worth it. 

I’m having a great weekend blog. I hope you are too. 


This week got off to an awesome start and continues to look promising as it draws on. Carly drove down to have dinner with me Monday night and that went really well. She had a bit of trouble with traffic, which I should have expected given it was rush hour by the time she got down here. Nevertheless, we spent the evening laughing and eating, and it ended with a passionate kiss under the stars. A night I will not foregt. 

So I turned that 17,000+ steps from the other day into 20,000 and put myself far ahead in the competition on Fitbit. I have a 6,500 step lead without having taken more than 200 steps today so far. I’m going to crush this challenge. My average if 13,000 a day is just stellar and should carry me. 

Work has been fine. I’m not as engaged as I have been in the past, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be captivated by my job, I just need to do it. I really would like to have a coworker in my department or someone to directly supervise. However, there is no current employee who I would want to have working for me (or even with me). No one else has shown any sort of interest in my department. Maybe that’s why I’m losing interest too. Nothing ever changes. No one listens to what I say. I spend my days being thought poorly if or ignored outright. It’s not rewarding. 

Well blog I’m going to be headed in soon. Hope your day goes swimmingly. 


Sometimes you just need a boost in the right direction, and you can’t always count on the outside world to provide it to you. Arguably, those external affirmations are somewhat less valuable since that are not procured internally, but the variety that implies self-confidence are still very important.

Today, for example, I am here on my couch getting ready for work and thinking to myself: “today is going to be a good day because I am in a good place in my life right now.” I also believe that I am a strong man who is vital and beautiful (not in a physical sense), and deserves to be appreciated and adored. I also believe I am kind, loving and genuine. I have some really truly outstanding qualities that can be appreciated by the right person.

I know I am headed in the right direction. I am taking full control of my life and my fate, and I will decide how this story goes. Granted, there are factors beyond my control at many different points along the way, but the things I can do something about I will, in order to better myself and build my confidence as I walk through the world. I am being personally responsible and dedicated to the cause of improving my self worth (which is a huge task for someone who suffers from bipolar depression).

Do I know what’s coming? No fucking way. What I can do, however, Is walk into the future bravely and with the assurances I have provided myself affirming my positive outlook on the uncertainty that has yet to unfold. I’ll make the most out of whatever hand is dealt to me, you can count on that. Just as I have done in the past, and as recently as my falling out with Kendra, I am absorbing the positive message in calamity and embracing the lesson it has to teach me. I’d be a fool to throw everything away, because the moral of failure is how to not fail again the same way, and how to improve as a person going forward from the point of destruction.

Affirmations are important, especially when they come from someone you trust (like yourself). It’s nice to get them externally, but that can’t be counted on. Most people don’t share their feelings the way I do, so expecting an equal exchange is a tad far-fetched. Carly is very open, but I know she is also a far more cautious and timid person than I am, yet the ingredients for superb communications are all there. We already have a high level discourse, but haven’t made the trust leap just yet. Affirmations from Carly are significant as well, but still not as powerful yet as the ones I derive for myself… and really, shouldn’t that ALWAYS be the case? You can’t count on people from the outside to build you up; the construction of self-confidence comes from within. External is garnish, the meat is a self-driven rise of belief that one can be proud of who they are regardless of what they have been through.

It’s a relevant topic, and something that has been on my mind ever since Kendra. I do believe I am headed in a significantly more positive direction than I was a few days ago.

About The Future

This is a tough subject because many variables are still at play. Personally though, the things that are in my control I want to fully address. The rest of it I will need to play on-the-fly. 

Starting off with good mental health. I’m back doing regular therapy again, which is a terrific boost for my mood and introspective capabilities. Margaret and I have good conversations and she points out things I hadn’t taken the time to consider. It’s usually informative to say the least. Plus I’m doing really well on 1500 mg of Lithium Carbonate. 

Sitting here in my bed writing this post, I am tempted to become sad over recent events in my life. In this moment, I am choosing not to downspiral. I am strong, proud and emotionally mature as a person and I should   be treated with respect and compassion. I will not subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. So as I was starting to get sad, I reminded myself of just how fantastic I am. Is she can’t appreciate me for who I am, I’m finding someone who does. 

Is it odd that I’m so nerded out by my Fitbit? I think data collection is fantastic, and data collection about ME is even better. I feel like the subject of a long-term experiment. I like it. 

I kinda wore myself out with double my normal exercise today. I’m retreating to bed well before it is appropriate. I can’t wait to wake up and see my numbers from overnight. I also will be looking forward to clicking an entire day’s worth of walking. My step count for today is pathetic. 

I’m having a good time with Carly, and it’s helping to lift me out of the sadness I was feeling. She keeps reminding me, more and more, what a great girl can be like. She’s responsive, funny, understanding, sensual and interesting. I am greatly enjoying the time we are spending together. There’s not enough of it quite frankly. We both have busy lives and live in different counties. It’s going to be hard to make something work, but if we do fall for each other, it is something I believe we can do. I can imagine building something with her. It seems like it would be a journey through the fire, but the rewards could be beyond imagining. If she really is as honest and caring as she seems, I’m not letting her get away.

Much remains to be seen. This is only the start of the story.  

In The Beginning…

Well blog, I really wanted to get things off to the right start after my lethargic weekend of moping and crying. I wasn’t about to let that carry over in to Monday, and that worked out perfectly. I woke up feeling fine, and ready to get going. I did a 3/4 day in the office then took my work home and got SUPER productive before my time ran out. That felt good.

I got my Fitbit today and did double my normal exercise just to see the numbers come in. I did 2 miles on the elliptical, and two sets of muscle building exercises, and let me tell you, I feel great. I was sweaty, feeling charged-up and really excited to be keeping close track of my physical health. I’m going to start using my breaks to walk .5 mile around the circuit at work and improve my step count. All in all, I’m very excited to be taking control of this aspect of my life. For too long have I let my body go to shit, and the result is poor energy and deteriorating mental health. Those days are over, and now we go up.

I’m thinking a little about Kendra, and I guess that’s to be expected. Things with Carly are right back to where they left off about two weeks ago, but I’m sensing the Kendra story may not be done yet. She is still looking at my profile on Match, which really makes no sense. If she had something to say, she could just text me. As per the usual, I have no clue what’s going on in her head, but undoubtedly she’s pissed at me because I am probably a jerk for wanting to talk about my feelings openly and be responded to with acceptance and compassion.

Carly on the other hand is a superb communicator, and the way we have dialogue is very even and easy. We laugh at each other, make jokes, interpersonal references, you name it. We are, above and beyond, better at communication than Kendra and I ever were. Carly hears me, and she understands my feelings and the words that deliver them. She is open and welcoming, while sincere and honest. There are just so many reasons to like Carly. The formula for a successful relationship is there, it just needs time to become itself. I have a feeling this will happen at some point down the road. My every intent is to find more ways to enmesh my life with hers. She is worth fighting for.

Good times in the self-care department and on the external front as well. Every new day brings me one opportunity closer to changing my life for the better. I am determined to build a healthy and happy me, and then go looking to make a healthy and happy partnership. Hopefully time is the only variable left to consider.

Anyway, today, as I had hoped, was the start of a new chapter. Giddyup.


Well my emotions are finally catching up to me blog. I’m stricken by the though of Kendra alone and abandoned in the world. I really liked many things about her, and I mourn the loss of those things. Her assertive attitude and social ambition. I liked her dedication to the things she loved, and her positive outlook. Now I’m here in tears remembering all the reasons I got with her, and how all of that was undone by a greater sum of ugliness.

I had hope, and that hope is dead. It’s hard to have something like that die inside you. The echo and ache of it remains long after the event has passed. I have moved my life forward several steps, but my pain is still there. We had sex blog, and that’s a big deal for me to be close to someone like that and then have to cut them loose. I get attached with sex, and she was really not that way. I had only been with 7 women, and she had been with close to 40 different guys. Mentality difference.

My feelings went unacknowledged and ultimately rejected. I know I made the right choice but I still hurt because I did care for her, and I did want to be with her and be a part of her adventurous life. I must now let these things go. I must release her from my heart because there is no going back.

So George Michael – Older really pushed me over the edge. Fastlove, Spin The Wheel and others delivered gut blow after gut blow until I was in tears. The ache of loss is never any easier no matter how many times it has happened.

Well I’m feeling a bit better. I still stand by my logic, but my emotions play their own game by their own rules. I have to allow time for them to be realized fully, not ignored or partitioned.

What Happens Next?

I’m not confident in the future at this moment because many things remain obfuscated by variables beyond my control. I guess that’s usually the case, but I feel more uncertain about things since I am in a transition. I was feeling confident and stable with Kendra, but that was undermined over the course of three days and eventually destroyed. I was under the impression things were going to be okay at first, but the hints and clues started to pile up as the clock continued to tick forward. I figured it out eventually, but this one stung because there were a lot of good things about her that I will miss.

An important point of comparison: when Carly told me on the night of the 13th that she couldn’t be with me and wasn’t ready for a next step, I cried my fucking eyes out the next morning as I got ready for work. I was devastated. I just called things off with Kendra and have felt sad for approximately 2 minutes, and shed not a single tear. Why? Because I actually was able to emotionally bond with Carly and Kendra stayed remote and distant; an environment in which feelings don’t develop well.

However, Carly is a much better fit for me and I have always known that. My only issue was that Carly wasn’t ready on the 13th and Kendra pounced 1 day later. I mourned, but I was rapidly distracted. My feelings were still uncorked for Carly as there was no point in which I was resolved and not feeling anything for her. I still had her on my mind, that night we had together and all the words we had shared. I was left wondering what the hell could have happened, if we had been given the chance.

Now we are back forging ahead as to adults who are dating from across county lines. I know there are several really important things she has that Kendra was lacking that are fundamental to out compatibility. Carly has sympathy for my mental illness, and is very open and thoughtful about it. Carly and I share the same passion for music, and of the same types as well. Carly and I have talked 200% more than Kendra and I did, and I know more about her than I did with Kendra by far because Carly is the superior communicator of the two. These are just the first few major issues I was drawn to initially compare.

Point being, the hope for a healthy relationship is significantly higher than it was with Kendra. I am very fortunate that things worked out this way and that I was not fucked out of a chance to date someone really special.

I’m cautiously optimistic, but fearful of the unknowns that lie ahead nonetheless.


I am sitting here tonight just going over all the bullshit that went down today. I believe I made the right call and I could have made it sooner, quite frankly. I didn’t think this was going to work out and I was right. Nevertheless, I’m in my apartment on a Saturday night alone with my thoughts. Maybe tonight IS a good night to process, because I’m going through some pretty dramatic changes.

I was feeling a lot of care and attraction to Kendra, but the more I saw of her emotional self the more worried I became. Frankly, she’s a fucking tough chick, and maybe even more macho than I am. She rides a Harley for fuck’s sake. I was willing to learn so much about her, but she never showed any interest at all in learning about me. My hobbies and passions were never discussed or explored. The whole arrangement was wrong, and there’s a chance I might have Herpes. Not as though that’s a catastrophic thing, I already take a bunch of pills every day, what’s one more? Sometimes you get lucky, other times you get fucked. I’m going in on Wednesday for a test either way.

On the swinging pendulum we ride. I have promptly (before someone came along to snatch her up) contacted Carly. Frankly I had almost zero emotional response to Kendra because of the way she chose to stand her ground and let me walk. Contacting Carly seemed like the logical thing to do, considering her I promised I would not forget about her. My feelings for her haven’t gone anywhere, I just had to bury them on the 13th when we split and Kendra came along. But now Kendra is out of the picture, so my feelings have a chance to unfold slowly. I want to walk down the road with someone, as long as they are willing to help me process and care for me. I’m looking for that blog. I won’t stop until I find it, or my clock runs out.

Making small steps still, but continuing to head in a positive direction. Speaking of optimistic things, there is something of benefit I will take from all of this Kendra stuff: the importance of a mastery of my physical body. I will be continuing on with the same vigor I had when she originally inspired it. I think it’s time to take control and get down to the me I want to be. I want to be strong again, and feel that life back in my body. I remember how good it felt to just be pumped, sweaty and on fire. I want to get back to that.

Well there are clearly plenty of things on my mind right now, and this will likely not be the last blog post.


Tonight was a mixed bag blog. I continue to forge ahead with Kendra, but progress is incremental. I am probing her for information about how she feels but she is shut tight. My emotions are present, and hers are not. She may have them, but she is keeping them hidden from me (for the most part). 

I don’t think this is a perfect match. She’s really great, but so far hasn’t shown much interest in getting involved with my passions and hobbies, while I am bending over backwards to be in hers. I don’t do well when my partners don’t show interest in me the way I am. Albeit, this relationship is only 11 days old, I might have my expectations set too high. 

However, now there is tension between us as my feelings are not welcome yet and she has taken a step back from me. I find this is not a healthy response to what I am going through. I would appreciate sympathy and understanding rather than argumentation. Blog, to be honest, I don’t think this is going to work if she doesn’t show some sign of interest in me. I will disconnect if I feel I’m not going to end up in a stable and happy environment. I can’t waste my time investing in a reality that will not cause me to stay healthy. I’ve done this before, and it is a failure every time if I don’t get certain things from my partner. 

I’m not condemning the budding relationship at this point, but the signs don’t look good to me. Something may change in the next few days but I’m concerned. I have every right to be as well, considering some very critical aspects of my life are on the line. 

It might be time to transition again soon; the divide is between going down toe road together or going down the road by myself. I don’t have any clue where things are headed, and that’s the part that gives me anxiety. Uncertainty and me do not get along well. 

Here’s hoping for the best. 


We have been conversing all week and have plans together Friday night. We have also made plans to go to Universal Studios on Sunday and spend the day together up there. I would say this is progress.

Things between us have been exploratory, with many home runs and some foul outs. Largely success, and a strengthening of the bond between us has begun. I am beginning to get a clearer idea of who she is, but the real test is time. If many consecutive days of happiness and stability transpire, then I might consider committing. For the time being, we aren’t even officially seeing each other yet, we are just two people dating and talking. I think that I need to help Kendra see how genuinely good I am. She will grow to trust me, once she sees me behave stable and active for a long stretch of time. I need the chance just to be with her and prove what a good influence I can be, and as she can for me.

She already has me excising more than I ever have in decades. I’m exhausting myself every weeknight and improving steadily as the days go by. Eventually I will get down to my target weight of 195, and build muscle mass as I’m losing fat. The Determined Penguin Project will be completed.

You see blog, I have come to the realization that I become similar to my partners in my previous relationships because I emulate their behaviors, moods, responses to things, etc. I adapt to how they are, and become like them to coalesce with them more effectively. I have now realized that this is both something I can prevent from happening, but also a boon if given the correct subject matter. I can emulate someone who is highly motivated, proactive, assertive, curious and clever rather than some one who is lethargic, melancholy and disinterested. I have a chance to be around someone who will change me for the better as a result, and take my life a huge step forward in potential.

I’ve given this all some thought, as you can see. I still need to regulate my emotions, because things were getting out of hand for a time earlier this week. I am pleased to report that the situation is now under control. Eric is the master of his feelings, not mental illness. You don’t always win every fight though.

Blog, this should be an exciting weekend. I’m going to spend a lot of money, but it’s totally going to be worth it. You wait and see. The next blog post I write at the end of Sunday night should be quite the epic.



Kendra came over for dinner and we had a great time. I cooked steaks, we laughed and played with Snapchat and had sex. Together we shared stories and learned more about each other through compelling conversation. I was sad that our evening had to come to an end but this is a weeknight after all. 

I’m tired now, but feeling really optimistic that we can continue to head in the direction of coming closer together. It was a very passionate goodbye this evening, one that still  resonates with me. 

Many days lie ahead, and only a few behind. This could be the start of something wonderful. 


We hung out last night for a couple hours and it was just as wonderful as I’d hoped it would be. We talked, and laughed and walked around Grossmont mall as it was shutting down. She is energetic, interesting and has struck a chord deep within me. She’s different than I am, but we get along great. Truly. 

She has an adoration of me I find intoxicating, and a way about her that is quite inviting. I really feel I click with her more than anyone else I have dated recently. 

We are taking things slowly in this process, and she is still apprehensive about being hurt. I don’t blame her. But that tells me she is holding back some big feelings. I want her to experience those safely with me. 

In time we will take another step. 


Today has been a day of extremes. Deep low this morning when I felt the acute sting of knowing Carly was out of the picture. Then dramatic improvement when Kendra came along, which has been trending up ever since. But, needless to say, I feel torn in different directions. I’m exhausted at this point from all the shifting. I’d like things to just flatten into a steady uphil climb. I want to work at building something of meaning with someone I could settle down with. I don’t want to date anymore. I want to find someone and have that be the end of the searching. Concluded. 

But this relationship is just getting started. We still have lots to learn. Hopefully it continues forward. Things are volatile this early on. 

Just Like That

I know you’re getting tired of hearing this, but I have started talking to someone new. Sigh. I know. What, are you doing now?

I didn’t start it really. More than two weeks ago she emailed me back after I asked her where she rode her motorcycle. I had told her of my trips to the desert, but after that, things stopped. I heard nothing until she was “interested” in me on Match today. At first I was like, “no, she made a mistake and accidentally clicked on me” because she had already ignored me once. On a whim I fired off a message asking why she had been “interested” me if she had ignored me before. And that was the catalyst, beginning a back and forth that transcended the chat service provided by Match to text and continued on into the day. We have been slowly conversing ever since, and things are unfolding in a dramatically different fashion than they did a few weeks ago.

The pace is less intense, which has calmed my approach. She is also a very different person than Carly was. Carly was more warm and effusive, Kendra is reserved and cautious and with good reason. I have been very clear in the past that things that do not concern me don’t equate into my evaluation of whether or not to be with someone. Things that matter consist of personality traits, motivation, attitude and curiosity. As my favorite examples. Things that do not matter such as weight, hair color, disabilities and or diseases.

I’m done fucking around at this point. If I don’t find “the one” then I’m going to stop looking and live my life alone. I think that might be best for my mental health. I said I’d give Match 6 months, and it broke my heart once already and may be doing it to me a gain for all I know. Kendra seems really neat, clever, and spunky. She’s direct and piercing as well as honest. She’s 26… 7 years difference between us. That’s how far apart my first wife Jen and I were when we got together, I was 23 and she was 30. I don’t know what that means. Maybe it means nothing since we are two totally different people in a new unique situation. Maybe it’s a good thing and will help us because of my love veteran status and my aged wisdom. She seems really down to earth and logical though.

To be honest blog, it’s good to be talking to someone again, someone who is interested in me. But I’m still reeling having been crying my eyes out this morning. I’m still feeling hurt, but at the same time, this new interest with Kendra is taking attention away from dwelling on my sad feelings. These new feelings feel much better. What would I rather spend my attention on, something new and exciting, or something cold and dead? I’m in charge of what my mind concentrates itself on, and I choose finding my love.

Check out this totally ironic post that just showed up in my recommendations. So relevant.


Cold walls wet with dew,

A long darkness that stretches out–

Hesitant to take a step,

Mired in uncertainty and fear. 
The shadow of gloom,

Hanging heavy like a rain cloud,

Sinking in like a fanged wind–

Tearing down the center of warmth,

Pushing in until the fire is out. 
The emptiness aches,

Disappearing into the deep nothing–

Throttling passion,

A vase of roses hits the floor and shatters–

Only fragments remain if what had been. 
Another promise unfulfilled, 

Winding deep into the black,

Where no light can touch. 


Well blog, I’m smashed into pieces today, but that won’t go on forever. I just need time to sulk and then I will be fine. Lonely, but fine. 

I’m here today feeling the ache of not having her to talk to. We got each other so worked up. Over and over. We had such a great thing building. But apparently she was never that in to me, definitely not worth keeping me around to find out. I thought I was wonderful; gallant and kind all the way through the courtship. I demonstrated the greatness of my outstanding self and I was rejected. I just have a feeling this was all a set up to get me out of the picture. It ended so abruptly. So unexpected given how good a time we seemed to have. We couldn’t stop hugging each other when I was going home. I smelled like her all the way back and I was in a wonderful dream where she was still with me. But that was an illusion. She didn’t have those feelings for me. 

My life is going forward. It hurts right now, but it will go up and out in a positive direction. I will keep looking until I find someone who really wants to love me, and build something of meaning with me too. I have so much love and happiness to give. I will not be taken for granted. I’m proud and strong. I have a flourishing independent life and I am accomplished in my career. I am the PRRFECT person to settle down with, I’m my opinion. I’m a great friend, an avid listener, a trusted ally and a tender lover. I have so much to offer, and so much to gain from the right match. I will push on despite how much it hurts, and I will find her. She’s out there waiting for me, and I will not stop looking until she is mine. 

Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

I woke up crying, and continued doing so right through my shower. I put on my work clothes and forced myself out the door because that’s what I must do to advance my life forward. Inside me, a place where love was growing is dead. Drained of its vital energy, all that remains is the empty shell of what could have been. I was feeling alive, and now something beautiful is gone. 

I’m sad and alone when I thought I was in the verge of something special. At this point, I’m tempted to just be her friend and hope she falls for me, but that whole process could still end in her not wanting me. I would be strung out only to be disappointed, like what happened this time. Fantastic evening… no closer to her than I was before, and she probably already had her mind made up that it wasn’t going to work before i even got there . She wanted to be fair and give me a chance but in reality there was nothing I could have done to convince her to be with me. She was already disconnecting, it would seem. Maybe she found someone more interesting to talk to and date. Who knows?

Well blog, today is a stark reminder of how alone I am. Also how alone I will likely continue to be. I’m still in my life and living it, but I am cold and sad. She was the one I really wanted. She fit me so perfectly. But that is over, and not coming back 


After a short attempt at togetherness in person, my affiliation with Carly is again over, and pretty much for the same reason as the first time. I’m swooning, and she’s still mourning, and those two things don’t blend, apparently. Some lucky guy is going to find her when she wants a relationship and she will be off living my dream with someone else in not too long. It’s fucking torture when I feel so strongly about her, and she doesn’t have the same interest in me. I’m frustrated blog. I thought I had found someone I could build around, but she won’t have me. 

Right now I’m crying. I just had one of the best evenings I’ve had in a while, and it ended with me never talking to her again. I am lost. I was feeling so good, and now I am alone again. I’m crushed blog. All my happy feelings are gone and I feel a great emptiness inside me that was once full of life and color. She was something special blog, and I treasured her. 

I’m supposed to be asleep but I’m too sad to sleep. It was right there, at the tips of my fingers, and then it was ripped away from me. I don’t know what else to say. There’s not much to say in moments like this. When all the shattered bits of the beautiful thing I had lay all about me on the floor. I just wish she could have seen something in me worth keeping. Nothing I had to give was bigger than her sadness over her ex. Nothing I said made a difference. I’m out. I’m gone. I’m through with this shit. 

The End Of Now

My nearly two week long infatuation with Carly has come to an end. She is undecided about me and won’t commit to something more real, which has caused a rift. She is still ensnared in her past with her ex, and I remind her of him sometimes, which doesn’t help her forget him. She can’t advance with me, and she feels it would be best if she were alone. I think with her indecisiveness about someone so outstanding such as I am keeping her from making a decision, she needs to break all ties and turn inward. Or at least, that’s what she told me. 

But now I sit here alone again, realizing how solitary my life is, and I’m spiraling. The tears are pouring out of me because now she is gone, the one that was making me feel special. And blog, let me tell you, she made me feel so good. We would have been so sexually compatible it’s not even funny. She and I like it exactalky the same way. There were many things we had in common, and several ways we complimented each other. I was willing to bend my life into hers, and uproot myself. But alas blog, she is gone instead. I’m here in the dark with tears in my eyes because something beautiful was but a few inches away, and then it was ripped away. 

I’m not giving up my search for someone. I’ll continue to play the field until another lead turns up. Or doesn’t. After 6 months, I’m done looking. I’ll just go it solo. She might be out there, but I’m never going to find her. I don’t have much optimism right now, I feel depressed and alone. I just wish someone would love me. 

02/17 – Captivating Changes

This album was directly inspired by the litany of emotions I am going through in reference to Carly. It transitions from introductory feelings to a cooler silence of understanding and connection, which is replete with fire and passion. Compile the album and give it a listen to be truly in tune with my life experiences as of 5 days ago. It’s a bit soppy and mushy at times, but that’s how I am. This music really pulls my strings and gets me to feel things. It’s vital to understanding what I’m about.

Bold = The ones she copied to her playlist

  1. Cool Change – Little River Band
  2. Kodachrome – Paul Simon
  3. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  4. You’re The Inspiration – Chicago
  5. Freedom 90 – George Michael
  6. The Promise – When In Rome
  7. More Than A Woman – Bee Gees
  8. Lovesong – The Cure
  9. Lady – Little River Band
  10. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  11. Tonight She Comes – The Cars
  12. Waves – Blondfire
  13. Reminiscing – Little River Band
  14. You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates
  15. Eternal Flame – The Bangles
  16. No One Like You – Scorpions
  17. Panama – Van Halen
  18. Spiders – System Of A Down

Holy Crap!

Blog, things have been downright euphoric the last week. I’m engaging with someone who captivates me, and she is just as interested in my life and story. I can’t tell you in words how invigorating and sensational this whole thing has been. It goes beyond me.

Though, we are being smart about things and pacing ourselves. More she is being smart and I am overflowing with enthusiasm to have here here in my life. But I concur with the philosophy, and I support things that will help bind me to her in a permanent way. Trust and practice are key. 

I am leaning about her; every day truckloads more information come in. We are so alike it’s shocking. And yet we are different in some key, beneficial ways. We compliment each other with our areas of expertise. We are unique, yet share many of the same experiences. We both have our traumas, and have made mistakes. But she’s a beautiful human being, alive, vital and voluptuous. I’m so privileged to have the chance to interact with her. It has been an unbelievable blessing on my life. After all the hardship and disappointment, I have rapidly achieved a fresh start. I didn’t think it would happen so soon, but I am glad that it did. 

Discovery phase initiated. My spare time will be spent listening to an amazing person lay herself bare for me. And I to do the same for her. Discovery. Friendship. Growth. Things are looking good right now. Carly, I adore you, and am endlessly glad that you have come into my life. 


It’s a new day tomorrow, and a chance to go out there and get it right. I had a good day today, but tomorrow will be better. I will be rested, strong and confident as I go through my shift. Anything is possible. What lies ahead is just one big question mark. I have my intentions, and maybe they will be responded to. 

I have hope blog. Hope that new things are coming that will yet again change the world. The best we can do is grab on and try not to fall off. What the future holds, I do not know, but my doors are open to what’s out there. 


Aaaaaaand I was right about feeling like things were going in the right direction. Woke up this morning feeling fresh, got to work by 5:00, and stayed until the very last minute. I had the nagging voice in my head telling me to work from home and leave early, blah bla bla. Today though, I paid that voice little mind and went on about my business. I had a solid shift, and tomorrow I send out a report that is going to make some ripples in the water. When upper management sees it, action may be necessary. Who knows, because the report itself is not to blame. The report only reports the facts. The facts are to blame! 

So anyway… I’m talking with Amanda still. I haven’t just stopped loving her. And now we’re friends. And maybe that’s the best place for us. She said herself that she wanted to get her life figured out on her own. I’m certainly willing to give her the space to do that. And we may well end up staying friends for good with no return to a relationship. Her life is headed in such a positive direction. Her time with Kasey is a blip compared to the great things she is doing. Her art is starting to become a career, just as steady disability income is on the way. She could land somewhere on her own, in her own private art studio, living off sales from her work and disability. That’s the kind of life I would have hoped for her, one where she is pursuing her creativity and her dreams, while being financially secure. So Amanda is on the verge of a big rise. 

Me though, I’m still exploring my options. I have my feelers out there. I’m going to try Match for 6 months. If nothing, then I’ll abandon the effort and go with Meetup groups. Once I get in better shape, I could go hiking. There are plenty of meetups that may fit. 

Blog, things are headed up for Amanda and I. My steps are more inconsequential, but have helped boost my energy. Hers are epic. I just hope things fall together soon. She needs a place to be on her own and individuate. 

Right Start

Ok blog, tomorrow is Monday and I typically struggle to get going in the mornings. Albeit, my alarm goes off at 4:15 am, but I should really be used to this by now. I need to rest well, long and hard to wake up refreshed and bushy-tailed. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a great day. 

Like I mentioned earlier, Amanda and I are kinda talking. Not like we used to. Not nearly. But some. More than the zero I had a few days ago. I don’t know what to say to her, she doesn’t take my advice. Maybe it’s just nice knowing there is someone out there who cares. However little there actually is, there is still some. And like I said earlier, some is much better than none. But I don’t know what we have anymore and I don’t know what’s to become of us. 

This weekend I largely took time for me. I did what I needed to do, sprinkled in with what I wanted to do. I smoked a few bowls, played Edain for hours, watched movies and relaxed. It was a great weekend. I know it’s been a good one when I get to the end of it and I’m ready to go back to work. I have that fire to get after it again. That’s exactly what I intend to do. 

A Development

I engaged Amanda because I had some things of hers and she of mine, and we needed to trade. That uncorked the texting bottle and we were rehashing everything. That got fairly involved, but the outcome was reestablished communications to some degree. We also agreed to be friends, which I think is an encouraging step. It’s better than zero communications with someone I loved right from the start. I think we can still have good conversations about things, so there’s no reason to throw THAT away. I can still disagree about her choices but in a less attached way. This will help keep me less involved in her life, while she takes the time to figure it out. I wasn’t helping anyway, so this really is for the best. 

Blog, I feel a great sense of relief today knowing that I have not lost her for good. We are taking a step apart, but not too far. I’m really happy this happened. 

I’ve got one more day to get through, and then free. I’m so burnt. 

Back To Basics

That is my new mantra. I will get back to the core of who I am, and what I represent. Like fuzz, animal noises and talking to myself (among other less impractical things). I find I make some pretty insightful commentary, regardless of the subject matter. My point being, this new mantra encapsulates what I’m trying to do both cognitively and physically. 

I started today by resisting temptation and having a good dinner. I’m retiring early hoping to be lulled by the sound of fling rain. Turns out, I got my wish, and a little cell just opened up overhead and it poured for a few blissful minutes. I even stopped blogging to listen. After I continue to resist temptation, I intend to start my exercise again and incrementally increase the difficulty. As time goes on, and I can hold true to a good diet, I should see results. I expect I weigh 225 right now, and my goal is thirty pounds lower. I believe I can do that with diet and exercise alone. 

I really kinda just barfed it all out there with my last post. At the same time, I needed to express it again since there should be no misinterpretation of my actions, by myself or anyone else who may have read.  I am accountable and very open in my processes. This is how I express and understand thoughts and feelings. It’s not interesting material, but it is real and 100% my life. A life I am proud of and won’t be taken for granted in. I have so much to offer, and still a lot to learn. So if my trials and tribulations prove worthy reading, thanks I guess. My process is not a secret, it is a model for success. 

I had a great time gaming this evening. Just getting back to me. It feels really good blog, like I’m on to something positive. I hope to follow this feeling in the days to come, and see where it takes me. 

Open Letter to the Woman I Love(d)

Dear Amanda, 

I believe we were headed to the point of collapse for a while, but your insistence in making bad choices resulted in my withdrawal from our relationship that occurred a few days ago. I have struggled to provide you with keen insight, motivation and endless caring through your deterioration, but in the end, my words couldn’t help you as you were unwilling to hear them. You chose to surround your frail existence with violently unstable elements, and this I would not stand for. I was fully invested in our future, with the hope that you would step up and fight for your life and get what you deserve. Instead, you were willing to just let things happen to you, rather than take charge of your situation. I can’t abide the attitude of non-involvement when your entire livelihood and future depend on your action (or lack thereof). I endevoured to instill some fight in you, and I believe I largely failed. 

I was able to rebuild my life after losing my apartment, relationship and mental health back in 2013, and I did so with the help of my family, and the willpower in my heart to get back my independent life. I pushed myself to rebuild, starting at first with my mental health, and progressing to a job and a place to live. It wasn’t impossible, but it was very hard. I had to want it badly enough to where making those logistical steps became a reality. If I can do this, so to could you have. I was hindered by my illness the whole way; anxiety and depression were at every turn. But I never gave in, and I never stopped pushing for the life I wanted to live.

Amanda, you can’t honestly tell me you are trying your hardest. I know you are not, and it’s clear based on your actions that you have energy, you just choose to spend it in the wrong places. You don’t have the spark of initiative; you’re not thinking of solutions, only complaining about problems. Your life is mired in a state of being the victim of outside action, which is a powerless and uninspiring place to be. In that way you must feel resigned to your fate, because of your own lack of action and your attitude in stagnation. Nothing is getting any better with you just sitting there. Life is won through effort. What gets dealt to you is never the best you can get, because the best is EARNED. 

This letter would fall on deaf ears if allowed to be read by her, but that’s not why I write. I write to drmonstrate to myself that I did not walk away from Amanda’s life before she did. I was right there even after she had surrendered herself to her poor choices. I tried everything I could to help her, including the consequence of me leaving for good. That didn’t make a difference, as indicated by the state of things today. She would much rather live an easy, no effort life than be pestered by me and my insistence she take control. Now no one is “nagging” her anymore to solve her problems so she is free to be the victim of them. There is nothing at all I respect about that. 

Amanda, you had your chance, and you passed it up. I was willing to fight tooth-and-nail for you, if only you could have demonstrated you were serious about your life. Instead, your life owned you, kicked you to the curb, and left you for dead all while you did next to nothing to stop it. You are content knowing you are going to lose everything and be homeless. I can’t support you if you are going to let those things happen to you. You quit on your life, and forced me to do the same. 

I hope that you are able to rebuild your life some day and be a fully functional and effective person again. You are such a gifted artist, and beautiful too, but your attitude and personality that fosters it make you wholly unappealing. If you could discover a reason to fight for your life again, maybe we could rediscover the future we once had together. There is still a chance for you and I to have a life like we wanted, but only if you own your reality and stop letting it own you. 

For now, I will never forget you, and never let go of the love I had for who you are, and who I thought you were going to be. I treasure your time, and the time I got with your son. I grew to love you both, and that has been taken away from me. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it seems like it is going to be no matter what I wish for. I will hold my heart open in case one day, she comes back. 

Almost There

I feel like the logical mind has prevailed in my situation. The world is going forward in a new way, regardless of my feelings about it. I have come to a point of swallowing my pain over this and moving on. I feel like I’m headed out of a bad place, and on to a warm blanket of self-compsssion. I really know I tried to make the best out of my relationship, despite its shortcomings. I have no guilt over not giving my all for her. I can’t say she came even close to demonstrating the same courtesy. There were lots of warning signs, but damnit, I wanted to be loved. I needed someone. 

Right now, even if I got a hit on Match, I don’t think I would pursue anything more than a talking buddy. I’m not going to get involved before knowing really deeply, who she is. I must have my standards met. I must have an equal, or no dice. The chances of finding said person are next to zero. There’s no way anyone as brilliant and intuitive as that would want anything to do with me, and my bipolar disorder, and my divorces. I’m damaged goods, which is why I was willing to stick it out with Amanda. She would have me. But then the relationship became too disrupted and sporadic. All signs pointed to termination. 

I’m getting used to being alone at home. I have a nice place, perfect for me, and I do feel at peace here. I’ve been playing Edain and coming up with new strategies. I’m going to be just fine. Things are getting better every day. 


It’s the end of my evening. I spent it alone crying and remembering things I’ve lost, and the emptiness of solitude. There’s no one to talk to except you blog. You always listen, even when I’m psychotic. This place has been my mental health coping mechanism since 2012. It has seen me at my highs, and lows, so this moment is no different than others like it I have had. This blog chronicles my failures, and triumphs. Tonight though, it is listening to me be sad about Amanda. I’m reflecting, and I seemed to only make her life more miserable the longer we were together. Her depression got worse, treatments got more severe, and the good things we had in the beginning of our relationship were lost as conditions deteriorated. I have no regrets as I supported her every step of the way. I supported her after countless costly mistakes further compromised her position. I know in my heart I put everything on the line to try and save her, but she wouldn’t hear me. She chose her path away from where the rest of us are headed. Maybe she did associate me with getting more ill. I don’t honestly know how I made her more depressed… like by showering her in love you mean? I think that I couldn’t get through to her because she won’t listen to anybody else tell her what to do. I just regret compromising my scruples to have someone to love again. I should have held firm to my values and standards. I wouldn’t be disappointed now if I had. So, mistakes are learned from. 

I think about the great expanse of solitary life that lies ahead of me. Will I be able to cope? Will I falter? Will I compromise yet again? My mind is churning over things that remain to be seen. Outcomes. Meh. Everything is so unpredictable, you can’t really have expectations. I don’t hope for anything anymore. It’s too painful to be let down after risking so much. I’m tired of feeling heartbroken. I’m resolved to depend on only myself and leave my expectations at home. 

It’s not going to stop me from crying about it though. Resolutions are great, but I’m alone and very sad… there’s no resolution that is going to help me feel normal right now. In the real world, there are consequences for your actions. End a relationship, feel a great deal of pain. Boom. So I’m well prepared to go on this sad journey through my wonderful memories of Amanda. I have many recollections of good times with her son, rememberances of fun nights and long conversations where she really seemed to want to get to know me. Like I said, I don’t regret my relationship, it had many beautiful moments. 

I’m full of contrasts tonight. It’s taking its toll. 


“Cowboys and Angels” came on, a song that strongly resembles the dynamic between Amanda and I while we were together. It reminds me acutely of how broken she is. I abandoned her to her own fate. I gave up on her. I’m really the quitter here, aren’t I? Who am I? I don’t want to live on a delusion. I know what I did was the only thing left for me to do. But I feel sick about her alone in the world. She’s in the world somewhere, and I’m not looking out for her anymore. I cried and cried here in front of my laptop as the song made me think of how she was as gone, just like I knew she would be someday. 

Thirty minutes later and I’m crying again. I really wanted to be with the girl I would spend my life with. I wanted to be a role model for her son. I wanted to come home to her smile every day. Now I will probably never see her again. That thought is a dagger in my chest. It cripples me with sadness contemplating her absence from my life. I’m having a hard time logicking my way through this tsunami of sadness. Now I have no one. Now I am not loved by anyone outside of my family. It’s depressing. 

Steady Improvement

Well it has been a cold, rainy morning and I’ve heard “Clocks” twice in the last three hours, so I know the universe is trying to fuck with me. A day when everything is pushing me towards sadness, I am finding I don’t feel acutely sad. I’m not crushed over this relationship dying. I was when Jax cheated on me, because it largely took me by surprise. This time, I had been contemplating the possibility that my relationship would be ending soon for some time, as warning signs were becoming apparent. I don’t feel guilt or regret, because I know in my heart I tried to do right by her, and get her pointed in a more successful direction (since I believe she deserves to thrive). In the end, she didn’t take my advice and went her own way, which I made clear was not a way I was going to follow her down. She made lots of bad choices and never learned from any of them. She just went forward making more poor choices despite my warnings. I can be a stalwart ally, and she advocate for positive decisions, but only if my partner is willing to invest in fighting up from the bottom (if that’s where we happen to be). I admire people why push back against circumstance. I respect people who don’t give up. I cherish the quality in people that makes them strive for something better. Amanda had none of these. She was willing to take what was dealt and do nothing to improve her lot significantly. She did try, but not enough to earn her life back. Now everything is being taken away from her, and it’s too late to save any of it. I’m sad for her, but she’s not my problem anymore. I don’t have to keep trying to rescue her from her situation. I wasn’t very effective anyway. 

Well blog, I’m coming to a bit of a turning point. I do still really miss her love and conversation, but there’s too much negative now to overcome. I can’t balance things anymore. Now that the equilibrium is gone, I have started to transition on. I am beginning to feel confident, and even started up my page on again. I’d be willing to go back to that well, though I’m not putting much time into it. It’s more of a personal statement to myself that I have moved on. I am purging my Amanda thoughts and starting my journey into independence. I will undoubtedly meet people along the way, but the priority is still me. 

Well we have no internet here at work so things are stalled. I’m thinking about my life. Introspective time. 

And Then…

It’s hard going to work knowing I will not have her to talk to. She used to make me feel not so isolated and different from everyone at work. She was someone who knew who I was and loved me. Now I have banished her and I feel pain. I miss her. She was my lover, and my friend. Now she is neither, and that is hard for me to cope with. It’s familiarity and pattern recognition that are in dissaray. My logical mind is still grounded in the truth of my reality, but detaching from something I spent 2 years building is tough. Just three days after our anniversary. Same thing happened with Jax: a few days after our anniversary it came crashing down. This time things were not dramatic. It just ended. No attempts to save it, no pleas for a second chance, just over. That kinda took me by surprise. I thought she needed me, but I guess she never did. I was always an accessory to her life, never a big part of it. This whole thing has humbled me, and has afforded me ample time to rebuild a sense of identity. That is my next project, which will be debuting soon. For now, I’m still in turmoil. 


I am very in tune with my suffering. There is a lonely hole in my chest, my appetite is gone, and I feel the ache of her absence. She’s not a part of my life anymore. I wasn’t all the way ready for that to happen, because I still acutely miss her. She calms me, and keeps me grounded. Now I don’t have anyone holding on to my balloon string. We could talk through any problem together, all except this last one. The outcome of our final conversation was disappointing, needless to say. Nevertheless, here I am alone in the world again for the first time in two years. I’m scared of what may become of me, but part of my directive is to always gain from what I have lost. This time, I know more about myself than I did before: I know I am a loyal lover, a trusted ally and a keen observer of the human scene. I know that I must be able to stand proudly in my own to be a man, and that is exactly what I mean to get back to. I can love, and have loved overwhelmingly, but never reciprocated with anything close to the same intensity. I know now I can’t sustain a relationship with a docile woman. I need someone who can talk to me, engage me and make me think existentially. I want to have words be the currency of future  exchanges, and with each unfolding layer, learn more about my partner. I know that I must manage my money better, and that I do regret. But that is also something easily remedied, in fact, is also currently in practice. 

I miss her, blog. I know she’s gone. It hurts, and it makes me sit here huddled up under my blankets shutting out the outside world not caring about anything or anyone. I’m feeling sad without her. I still love her. I loved her this morning. I can’t just shut it off. I still love her, but I think it’s clear that we can’t be together. That puts me in a tough spot, torn between my feelings and my rational mind. Sometimes I don’t know which one is in charge, and everything gets distorted. My mind is in tumult. I know what I know and I nevertheless love who I love. 

It’s going to be a long night for me blog. Perhaps restless, but certainly full of sorrow. 

What I’ll Miss

It’s hard not having someone you love out there who loves you too. When a relationship dies, there is pain for all the futures that had imagined, now falling apart. There is sadness in contrast to the happiness we once shared. I reminisce about those summer Friday nights when she and I would get tore up and laugh out asses off at the TV. All those mornings waking up next to her, smelling her and feeling the warmth of her body. I had one last night with her, and now I am alone. And I feel decidedly alone. I second guess and wonder about the road that led to this moment. What did I do wrong? Did I not love her enough to earn her trust? Am I just a liability? 

Don’t think because my logical mind got a post in there that the emotional mind won’t get a go. Here we are, experiencing the absence of my love for Amanda. It hurts, and it makes me sad. I already miss her and it hasn’t even been a day. I’m used to always having her to talk to. We must have sent each other about 8 million texts over the course of our relationship. We talked extensively, every day. Whether I was living there with her or not. It has just occurred to me that I will never get to say goodbye to her kitties. I loved both those cats like they were my own. The rest of their lives are going to be utter torment as their mom gives them up to the pound in the coming month. They will never know my unending kitty love again. That too makes me sad. This whole breaking up thing fucking sucks. 

But I know that things couldn’t go on the way they were. We were already falling apart, and she was only doing more and more things to drive distance between us. Culminating in Kasey, who broke our relationship and ruined Amanda’s apartment. She’s probably pretty happy that I broke up with Amanda. No doubt. Amanda chose her over me. That’s all there is to it. She had many chances to make it right. She didn’t. So now it’s over. 

I’m sad to lose the beautiful things we had together. I know we had dreams to be under one roof and happy. But Amanda threw all that away. She invested in a criminal instead, and providing for her needs. The choice was clear, and so to was my response. I’m in pain over what I had to do. I miss her. But I’m not getting back together with her. It’s really over. 

Broken Up

Score: +2.5

Today was the end of my relationship with Amanda. It was not unexpected, as things between she and I have been deteriorating for the past several weeks. Basically ever since she started affiliating with that lowlife friend she has. Amanda believes in who people used to be, and she gets blindsided by who they really are. She doesn’t learn, she just makes the same mistakes over and over and allows dangerous people to boss her around. My voice of reason is nothing. Why? “Because you didn’t grow up with me.” The friend has more cred than I do in this solitary category and that’s what Amanda measures relevance and trust by. I’m tired of trying to save Amanda from herself. She doesn’t listen. She’s not learning anything from the calamity that has befallen her. She is also struggling with depression, and my leaving has nothing to do with that. It’s her choices that drove me away for good, not her mental illness. I can’t abide people, in whatever mental state, not being accountable for or learning from their mistakes. Amanda would rather hang out with a prostitute than me. She wouldn’t take my money and let me keep living there. So I got my own place because Amanda needed time to individuate. But then Kasey moves in. And there’s no more individuating, there’s drama, piss all over everything, up all night watching Kasey’s son, strange people coming over and did I mention the piss? She’d rather have that, because she “grew up with her?” So, as you can begin to see, this whole thing doesn’t make sense. I’m a WAY better influence on Amanda than Kasey. There’s not even a comparison. And who is more capable of genuine love, a hustler, or me? Kasey loves anyone willing to give her money. That’s not how mine is earned, or kept.  I get the feeling that Amanda never really understood my love, and what it was worth. Her idea of love is different, and still to this day, unclear to me. I don’t regret our time, I just wish it had a revelation rather than a collapse as it’s defining moment. Amanda is determined to destroy every last piece of her life, and there was nothing I could do to save her. She didn’t want my help; she only wanted me to love her while she drowned. I always hoped we could be a partnership, but Amanda doesn’t trust me. She never asked advice before doing something potentially risky. She told her ex about the details of my suicide attempts, and he promptly barred me from being around Tristan. Why? To create drama under the guise of disclosure. But really, you don’t need to disclose the details, only the fact that it happened. She didn’t ask me if it was ok to talk to Jesse about that. She did it anyway. She doesn’t think about me, she was more interested in creating conflict where there previously was none. I have been holding off this day for a long time, hoping she would start pushing back. She had already given up long before I got there, it would seem. I don’t know what to say blog. I’m going to spend some time just getting back to center. I’m going to start a new project in the coming days. Stay tuned. It will be a triumphant return to independence. For now, it has been a tough transition today. Needless to say. 

Keep It Together

Score: +2

So it was a rough start to the week. I ended up bringing work home with me for the day. I’m glad my job has that flexibility. 

On the relationship front Amanda got rid of prostitute roommate and is now down to selling stuff to try and pay February’s rent. She is back on ECT until her TMS gets approved. I think she’s doing better, and probably could go back to work if they’d let her. She and I are getting along fine. We’ve had a few arguments but we always work it out. We just celebrated our two year anniversary yesterday. It’s amazing to think about all we’ve been through over that time, and how we’ve changed. Both striving for improvement, both struggling. We have always just kept on being there for each other. 

I’m glad her situation is a little more stable, now that prostofriend is gone. House is still a toxic waste dump. I will be sad when she is out of there because she will be homeless, but also glad for sanitary reasons. I’m devastated that she will be losing her cats, her stuff, just about everything nonessential. And I regret that it came to this, but I look back on it and I don’t see where we could have done something differently. But she couldn’t work. There’s no getting around that. If you can’t work, you can’t live somewhere that costs money. Eventually the static revenue source will run out, and here we are, Craigslisting possessions in a flurry to make one more month. 

But our relationship is still strong. We talk every day to some length. I’m always asking her things. Checking in. So we are good communicators. 

I’ve been feeling very blah today. I just need an early bedtime to set things right. 


Score: 3.5

Well it has been an interesting last few days. Amanda and I went from serious fight to swooning with lust in the span of 24 hours, I have recognized that I am cycling again, and my mom is falling off the deep end into depression. 

On the relationship front, Amanda’s homeless friend Kasey is nearing the end of permissible stay while living off Amanda and turning her apartment into a biohazard. We were fighting about said degenerate when I got a little psychotic with rage. All the while Amanda has had her friend there, she made it seem like friend was buying food, and taking care of the apartment. In actuality, Kasey took $500 from Amanda (putting her short on rent) and was going out nightly leaving her autistic son with Amanda to babysit. Now Kasey needs to go. So I got a little upset when I discovered the situation Amanda had put herself in. She says she was doing it for Kasey’s son, but still, there’s a time and a place for charity. When you have no income and every dollar is precious you can’t be just giving it to some loser you are acquainted with. So I got pissed. And we had a fight about it. 

The evening after detonation, we worked things out and resolved that Amanda would spend the night the following day. We had an even more involved conversation together when she came over in which I really felt connected with her. She told me I was the smartest guy she had ever been with, and I told her she was the most creative woman I had ever been with. Then the lust started. We had sex like it can be during that initial curious passion that derives from the onset of intimacy. We did it over and over as though we were suddenly new lovers discovering each other for the first time. It carried on into the next morning, while I was all dressed at 4 am ready for work. Unexpected much? 

Things became turbulent again when Amanda’s doctor did not clear her to return to work. She’s still depressed, but now her life is on the verge of being destroyed if she can’t make some money, rapidly. She was telling me how she’s probably just going to be homeless, and I was again alarmed. I encouraged her to redouble her efforts ahead of the next meeting with her psychiatrist so that she can get clearance to return to her old job. I encouraged her to fight to repair her independent life as letting your life get smashed into pieces is a lot more work to rebuild than it would have been to fix it before it disintegrated. 

I just got back from a meeting with my psychologist, which went very well. I told her that over the last 6 weeks I have been experiencing slightly elevated states which last 10 days or do, followed by periods where depression symptoms emerge, also lasting about the same length of time. My scores over this span tell the same story. So we decided to try a different pattern of dosing the Lithium while adding another 300mg, bringing me to a standard 1500mg. I’m to start taking it in the mornings as well. So that was good, and as a direct result of my observations. 

I need to go fix my parent’s relationship as my mom is spiraling out of control with meds that don’t work and bad mental health practices. She needs a reminder about what’s important as she tends to digress when she’s having symptoms. Life doesn’t always work out how we hope it would, but resenting your husband for suffering a crippling disease because now you can’t go to Italy for your 40th wedding anniversary? What’s more important, a vacation you can’t have, or your lifelong partner who needs you now more than ever? She is in a dream world that she thinks will make her happy. I need to bring her back down to the reality that we are all bound to, whether we accept it or not. 

It’s been a tough week, but I’m on an upswing, so it’s not too bad. Boy would I be fucked if last weeks down had carried over. 

Have a good night. 

Waking Up Is A Bitch

Score: +2.5

Boy was it hard to get going today. I think it is fortuitous that my cannabis supply would be running out as well now, since I believe it contributes to the sluggishness. I will experiment with sobriety and see if my mornings improve. 

Overall though, I’m more than half way done with training and things are looking good. My guys are really getting the material and I think they are showing signs of unexpected excellence. I’m proud of how far they’ve come. They’re just a couple weeks away from taking live calls. I’m feeling the strain of the taxing schedule I’m on. No breaks, no downtime, all work for 9 hours a day, five days a week for four weeks. My voice has held up remarkably well considering I was thinking it would have been toast by now. I’m happy to not have that be an issue. 

I must tell you that I watched the second to last episode of Mars, and I was a bit shaken by the ending. **SPOILER ALERT** I can’t imagine a more horrible way to die than to die of exposure to the Martian atmosphere. Probably right up there with being exposed to the vacuum of outer space. Truly horrific. Seven people die as the airlock is intentionally blown out. I don’t know how the program can recover, but they must if the dream of Mars is to be kept alive. I would very much hope in my lifetime to see people standing on the surface of another planet. What a monumental moment for our civilization. Now, no one extinction event can end human life forever. Our survival as a species hinges on our ability to become interstellar. If it’s not a priority now it will be when Earth starts to become unusable (as we seem so intent on doing). Enough Mars rant. 

I’m doing ok. Amanda is now contemplating going back to work. Frankly, unless she wants to be homeless, she has no choice. The money from disability is a long ways off yet. So she needs to start earning an income to gain control. I do believe she is only working temporarily until her disability is active. 

Also, we met a doctor from the local TMS facility where they use electromagnetic fields to cause stimulation to very specific areas of the brain to create activity where there was none. Eventually, the brain learns to generate the activity on its own, resulting in permanent change. It’s everything ECT promised to be without the anesthesia, seizures and brain damage. I think this is our best shot at finding her a permanent solution to her depression. One that is clinically tested and proven. She’s skeptical. I don’t blame her though. We’ve heard promises before. 

But she and I are still together. We are strong. She comes over weekly and we talk every day. Repeatedly. We still have a good bond despite all this monkey shit. 

Well I’m off to bed. Have a good night. 


It’s football eve, and I’m doing fine. I spent some time throwing the Frisbee with Tristan today in Santee. It was refreshing the three of us being there together having fun. He was happy to see me. All in all, very positive. I even invited them over to my house tomorrow during the games. I know that time with him is limited now that Amanda only has occasional custody. We are going to play chess and have fun. Good times will be had.

It’s another night alone here in the apartment and I seem to be doing fine. I had a good session with Margaret today. We talked for more than a therapeutic hour and delved into my solitude issues. I was telling her how hyper-vigilant I am against feeling sad or overly bored. I continue to find ways to distract myself and keep my mind occupied to avoid this, but she suggested that I actually, deliberately concentrate on happy things. She wants me to think about the progress I have made to get here, and the long relationship I have with Amanda, and how I have a steady job and have been stable on my meds for an extended period of time. It’s literally occupying the mind with something good instead of letting it drift to think about something bad by default. I have to force these thoughts into my head to crush the others that come in. It was an innovation I had not come up with on my own. So I’m going to give it a try next time I get to feeling solitary or sad. I think it will totally work.

Well blog, things are going pretty good. It’s a mildly important week in FFL, a week that I am pretty 50 – 50 about. I really am leaning on having some below average performances since the match ups aren’t pointed my way this week. Only a couple have a solid forecast of going off, so who knows. I’m looking for Tyerell Williams, C.J. Fedorowicz and Steffon Diggs to have big days despite being an outside shot to do much in the way of scoring. I expect Gordon to be worth something, and Le’Veon Bell has a tough match up this week. He could easily be stymied all day and I wouldn’t be shocked. I’m hoping a couple of my fliers go off and save the below average output of my powerhouse players. I decided to go 2 QBs in my work league… since it seems everyone else was. So I’m starting Newton and Prescott, who I intent to generate some rushing yardage as well as having stellar days through the air. Both have a sot at a rushing TD as well which would greatly help my cause. My roster in the work league is better then the one I have in the family league. But I’m 6-3 in both leagues right now, but like I said, I could very easily 6-4 in both leagues by this time tomorrow. I’d say 60%/40% I lose both games.

So I don’t have much hope. It would really put the dagger in my cousin if I win and I’m not particularly interested in being the one to do it. I like a competitive race and in her division, she would have a difficult time staying relevant if she loses, with only 4 games left to play. I could afford a loss, but she probably can’t She’d have to win out to stay relevant and even then, 7-6 is no certainty of a playoff berth with a team 2 games up on her in 2nd. So in reality, I’d like it to be competitive to show me if my guesses were correct about certain players, but do I mind losing? Not at all. We’ll just have to see how it goes. Expectations at a record low.

Solitude Process

Score: +2.5


Hello again blog. Well I am living in my new studio, and finally feeling settled. There are no more loose boxes, all pictures are hung, all furniture built and the project of moving in is at last complete. It took the better part of 3 days but it is over. I sit here in the quiet of my new life, and many things come to mind: I’m thinking about the silence, and how it is uninterrupted by conversation and interaction. I am also thinking about how I was planning to occupy myself while I am alone. Subsequently, I began to think about how lonely it is to be alone. While my life has been liberated from a deteriorating situation, I am nevertheless suffering the consequence of solitude. I do much better, it turns out, when I have someone else to talk to. I typically converse all throughout the day, only to (formerly) then come home and socialize with my partner. Now when I come home, I am trying to deal with the reality that for the remainder of this evening, I will only have myself to keep my interest.

Is this a bad thing? No, not really, but it is lonely. When one has been used to always having someone there, It gets hard to be alone because I am unaccustomed to the feeling. For better or worse, I have always attracted a partner in life and had someone else there with me most of the time. Then when those partners left, my parents kept me company while I rebuilt my life. There was always someone there. I was only alone for 8 months or so before I met Amanda after this most recent life collapse. AND while I was by myself I would occasionally become catatonically depressed because of both boredom and loneliness. Amanda was even witness to one of these times as while I was on my own I called her from my 1 bedroom apartment while I had a full-scale meltdown. It’s not good, potentially, but I plan to set a trend in a different way going forward. I want to be a capable individual and I need to be able to stand on my own and not freak out. This is my next challenge to overcome.

I know I am capable of being alone, I just don’t like it at the moment. But that is a culture change I must undergo. I need to be able to be by myself, and entertain myself, or somehow prevent my mind and mood from crumbling into depression. At this current moment, I am occupied by blogging, but that will not always be happening. I must find ways to keep myself from sliding down the hill. I think that tonight will be different from other nights that I have also felt lonely. I am in a much more stable place in my life, and that is something that makes me strong. I might feel bored, yes, but that is survivable. I believe, in time that I will be capable, and ready for long stretches of solitude if need be. Human interaction is healthy, but does not have to be a constant. I was in a mental space where I felt like I had to have that proximity or I would become sad to an unreasonable degree. I know now that I am independent and establishing my identity here in this new place. I still have the knowledge that I am loved by some who are out there living their lives as well, so that is reassuring. I have lots of ways to protect myself from becoming sad. I do not feel sad now, but rather, positive. So there’s one step in the right direction.

Thanks for being a part of my thought process. I’m going to go make dinner now.

Night 2

Score: +3.5

It’s finally looking like a place where someone is living around here blog. No more boxes on the floor in piles, only a few pictures need hanging and then I’m wholly settled. I spent the day constructing a bookshelf and a stand for my TV. Ok enough summary. 

I’ve been worried about Amanda. She is struggling hard right now, and not getting on top of her situation. It’s not all her fault, as a lot of what she has to do is based on the input of others. Agencies, social workers, doctors and lawyers are all converging on her life and I know she is overwhelmed. I had her over tonight but she could barely eat she was so depressed. She said she needed to go home and have a good cry. I guess that helps, but it doesn’t solve any problems. I’m a fixer, so this situation is tough for me as there is little I can do to help. I extricated myself, which I also feel guilty about. Should I have stayed with her in the apartment to be there with her, even to the bitter end? I don’t think she would have wanted that, but I don’t feel loyal. I feel like I turned and fled when shit hit the fan. I don’t know how to reconcile that guilt. 

I know Amanda has the most difficult challenge of her life ahead of her, and I just want to be able to say I helped her through it. I love her unconditionally, and would never retract that unless I were fundamentally betrayed or cast away. I don’t foresee her leaving me amidst this crisis; I’m a pretty useful person to have around. My real quandary is how to encourage Amanda to be strong in this time of crisis. How can I let her know that if she pushes through this, things will get better in time. She only sees a negative future filled with uncertainty right now, and I don’t know how to change that culture. But can you blame her? The future is scary right now, but that is (arguably) when we must be the strongest. 

I hung some pictures because it was bugging me that I said I had that left to do and I was sitting here blogging and perfectly capable of hanging several of them. Mr. Project. I’m really excited about living here, on my own again. I needed to be independent right now, and to lift my head out of the clouds. Things were becoming indiscernible. 

My hope is that Amanda addresses things one at a time, and comes to a healthy schedule of accomplishing mandatory tasks gradually. Today’s meltdown was due to her mom, who is a psychopathic anxiety head-case. Undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and paranoia for decades. So she’s not a great person to talk to when one is in a crisis. She tends to dramatize and inflate. These actions sent Amanda to the bad place today. She never responded to my text messages after she got home. I’m sad. 

I have hope, however, that eventually she will be out from under all of this mess and on to living a life she deserves. This is not the life she should be living. Not at all. I know we can get her to a better place. Perseverance. I will not give up on her. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. There will be much watching of football and family time. I’m tired. Today was eventful, and now I can say that I am 98% complete setting up my new life. I worked hard to get here, and now I get to enjoy the spoils. 

Many things on my mind tonight. I feel pretty useful living on my own, but utterly useless when I am with Amanda. That sucks. I wish my life wasn’t so starkly contrasted. I need to restore balance. 

Well, goodnight. 


Score: +3

Well the move is essentially over. I’m in my new studio apartment sleeping on my bed that has been in storage for a year plus. Finally, the dust is settling. It was a brutal stretch there early in the week; I even had a colonoscopy on Monday. On that note, I’ve been on this kick to try and get myself healthy, starting with a screening for cancer. It is the main killer on both sides of my family. I had polyps but they removed them and will biopsy. Hopefully they’re not cancerous. 

But seriously, I’m doing much better now that the move is over. It was hard work and very stressful. I’m glad we are done with that stage. Don’t misinterpret my situation; I’m still seeing Amanda, and we have not broken up. We just realized that her life is imploding and mine would have gone along with it if I had stayed living with her. She’s in deep transition, and hopefully there will be relief for her soon. Her disability case is strong, and she is also filing for bankruptcy. I’m helping her as often as I can, and that is a stabalizing force in her life. 

We seem to be bonding better amidst all the strife, on the bright side. 

So transition time and time spent living on my parent’s couch are over. On to this new phase where I live independently and openly. I meet my own budget, I am responsible for only my own shit. I progress through life on my own terms. Things are really looking up. 

My kitchen. Cuties on the counter. 

Need to hang that native art and get a TV stand tomorrow. 

Still have some unpacking to do. The bag behind the couch is my PlayStation 2. 

Bathroom, with my pill organizer on the vanity counter. 

Still missing a bookshelf so I can unpack the few boxes I have left at the foot of my bed, clearly. But other than that, everything is in place. This is my studio, in beautiful Mt. Helix, with a view of all of eastern San Diego county. I’m truly fortunate to have such a place to live, in a multi-unit property with only 1 other rented space in my area (above me). AND those tenants are awesome, genuinely nice people. Couldn’t ask for more. 

Hope you have a good night blog. I am. 


Score: +1.5

I know it’s been a while. Frankly I have not wanted to rehash my current situation on the blog because I am still reeling from the fact that I am stuck in it. My world has taken a turn towards difficult in the past two weeks… allow me to elaborate:

I no longer live with Amanda. Instead, I live on a couch in my parent’s 1 bedroom apartment. Sleep, no, rest has been impossible. I wake up drained and lethargic. My parents are good people, but this is not where I want to be. I’m a grown man, and I need my own space. I need my bed. I need independence. I’m intruding on their life, and that bothers me. My mental health has suffered as a result and I am far less enthusiastic about being alive. 

The reason I have moved out is that Amanda is on the verge of declaring bankruptcy due to her not going to work and having bills to pay. She is currently embroiled in the lengthy process of filing for permanent disability, but that can take a year or more to then provide income. She asked me to “save myself” as the life we used to know combusts into ashes. She will run out of money in no more than a couple of months. We are still determined to keep our relationship alive, but it’s much harder than it was before. We’ve had a few fights, and resolutions, but the tension is still there. 

So, I have been apartment hunting, rather unsuccessfully. I have been declined due to poor credit, and had a place but turned it down as it was barely livable, located above a garage and infested with feral cats. I need to land somewhere I will thrive, and right now, it seems very far away. My budget is small, and my choices few. However, I will nevertheless apply myself until I indeed have a stable place to call my own. 

Right now, I’ve just concluded a 15 hour day which started by taking Amanda to ECT, then to work for a full shift, then back with Amanda to take her to psychiatry and psychology appointments which concluded at 7 pm. My day started at 4:15 am this morning. This day encapsulates my current situation; slowly sucking my essence away until I am an empty carapace. I feel like I am losing my hold on reality. 

On the other hand, my parents do live with this fluffball. She squeaks, not meows, and it is truly the most pathetic noise I have heard a cat make. She has been my friend so far, and is usually very skitterish around people who are not my mom. It’s a comfort to have a cat in the house. I am a cat person, after all. 

Blog, I’m doing the best I can, and barely holding on. I’m not giving up on my life, not now not ever. I’m just aware that it is going through a tough stretch. A very tough stretch. But I will endure and I will persevere. I will still be with and love Amanda and support her however I can. I am still her partner, even if we don’t live together anymore. This transition has been hard on me. 


Crushed Into Dust

Score: +2

I’m moving in with my parents (by their insistence) Friday. Smash.  The plan is, to save money while I look for a place to live on my own. Then I am to re establish myself while not losing my relationship (hopefully). Amanda needs this time too, in an attempt to try and find her own independence and self-reliance. Overall, I’m shaken by the trauma this will bring to my life. I don’t know what to expect from the future in a way that frightens me. Usually I have a path that I am following, but now, my road is fraught with peril. I will have to remain strong through this time. 

I’m scared my relationship will die in this process, but that won’t be because I give up on her. I won’t. I will stay committed to her throughout this trial. Hopefully we come out the other side of this more resillient than before. I don’t know what’s going to happen though. 

Amanda is going to force herself to go back to work. She hates it there, and gets sick not long after she returns from absence. Usually within a few weeks. She wants to work part-time to avoid said burnout. Again, a lot is up in the air. She would need to continue to push for disability but try to make as much money as possible leading up to that. I want her to be able to be at home, creating, pondering life, and making new memories into a future full of hope. Disability could grant her that. It could set her free, and finally allow her to heal. But much remains unwritten. 

So there you have it. Total life shake-up. Road uncertain. Trudging forward. Sigh. Gasp. 

Our Shattered Life

Score: +2

Well blog, it has all come to a crashing halt. Amanda is dedicated to pursuing disability long-term and we will lose our apartment in the process as we can’t afford to live here on my income for the time it takes disability to kick in. It’s a terrible day, both shocking and bewildering. I have been given direction to take cover someplace else while the shitstorm ensues. We are not breaking up, mind you, but our lives will never be as they once were. It’s not like she has a choice. She’s catatonically depressed, immobilized, sobbing uncontrollably, and buried in a mountain of debt. She’s putting the only life jacket on me while the ship of our life slips beneath the waves. 

I must now find a way to forge ahead. I need a place to live, and I am working on that now. I will also need to budget like I never budgeted before. My life will become constricted, needless to say. I’m hopeful that if I do my job, I can save money and, eventually, find a place to live with Amanda again where we can both be stable. Her disability would need to be in effect, and that process can take a very long time. She has a little money that she can survive on, so that should keep her going through the next few months. I will be helping her however I can going forward, but this is largely on her to figure out. 

I’m scared that this forced distance will put a strain on our relationship. I’m still very much in love with her, and reluctantly accepted this path we are on. I want to be with her, not away from her. Things are all jumbled up right now. These next few months will be hard. The cats are going to go apeshit with me gone. 

The promise of a much better life is still out there. If all the pieces fall into place, we can have a beautiful future together. I wish for that more than anything. I will do everything I can to get us there, within my power. But this is Amanda’s time. She has to be the one to get this life moving forward. Without her motivation, everything will collapse and we will be ruined. I’m confident that she not only fights for our relationship, but also providing a healthy role model for her son. She has temporarily given full custody to her ex husband, that being said. She doesn’t want it to stay that way, but also realizes that she is but a shadow of a parent to him right now. She doesn’t want her son to remember his mom as an introvert locked in an internal struggle with little time for anything else. It was a tough call, but the right one. 

So blog, things are a tad crazy right now. Where I am headed is an utter mystery, at least, as of today. Things will resolve as time goes forward. Plans don’t form instantly and take time to complete. Right now, we are in the initial realization stages. The problem has only been recently identified. There is a long way to go. Hopefully, every forthcoming day brings us one step closer to being where we want to be. But I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore. The uncertainty and risk are overwhelming. I must be brave, and confident. I have only myself to think about now, as I bob helplessly on the open sea, hoping for rescue. 

Angst & Woe

Score: +2

It’s been tough this week, but I am slogging through. My boss has been particularly understanding of my anxiety and has helped me get to this point: being mostly functional. 

Amanda and I are transitioning. She has decided to go on permanent disability, which I am very much in favor of. I’m nevertheless concerned that we will be hard-pressed to survive given our new potential budget. She is thinking we will move out of the apartment and into a mobile home park to save on rent/mortgage. How we are going to survive up to that point, and what resources we will have when we get there remains unclear. We have some ideas about what needs to happen, but as of yet, there is no secure path to the future we want. Everything is hinging on when disability will kick in. Too late, and we will be fucked. Royaly. 

I’m scared. I want things to work out and for us to land in a safe space for the long term. I’m just not sure how that is going to happen right now. I’m trying to be supportive, but my anxiety is getting the better of me. She is picking up on that and becoming distant. It reminds her of her mother. We had a rather frank discussion about her isolation today. I wasn’t very sure that she cared for me or for our relationship anymore, which should give you an indication of how distant things have become. I know that she’s going through s very tough trial right now, and that has a lot to do with her introverted state. I was getting anxious that she had grown tired of me, but that is not the case. Our discussion was good, and resolved a lot of my worry. 

I’m still holding on to hope that this will all work out and we will be together and happy again in a future that is stable and safe. It was a huge step forward that Amanda started the disability process… now I can only hope there are not extensive delays before she is accepted. I just want things to be ok again. 

I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m scared too. I’m the man and I need to buckle up and stand firm. I can’t destabilize right now. I am strong. I can be a pillar of strength. I have it within me. I just need to grab a hold of it. Now. 


Score: +4.5

My boss from Austin, TX came in today, along with the mega boss of all bosses, the head of the entire customer support department. Gasp!

Today, I was truly a part of the management team. I was in meetings nearly all day, trading observations for feedback. I’ve never been in the closed-door room before; it was both humbling and exhilarating. I really did feel like I was a part of the team that will decide how we do business going forward, and I know my contributions made a difference. 

I feel uplifted and suddenly very relevant. My hard work has indeed paid off. 

But also, my personal life is going very well. Amanda has really done a lot of expanding her social sphere. She joined a mental health forum as well as several other sites and groups. She even found someone local. It has been a largely rewarding experience. However, there was one user who attached himself to Amanda right from the get go on the message board. He almost reminds me of a significantly more desperate me of, say, five years ago. But he’s taken it to the next level. His incessant pleas for intimacy got so bad it actually drove Amanda off the forum altogether. Also, let me be clear, she explicitly expressed her relationship status and intentions as committed and benign. Nevertheless, he’s telling her how she lights up his life, she makes him smile and other such inconsiderately applied fondnesses. I get how people who are really depressed can be like this, but being unwilling to listen after being deterred is a conscious choice, not a symptom. I pity him, but vaguely understand. My relationship with Jax started in a slightly similar fashion; born of depression and loneliness. So there’s your evidence that relationships forged from the fires of sadness rarely, if ever, work out. 

I’m doing much better managing my boundaries lately. I’ve found it easier the further I get from the time when I was not disciplined. Each day, the fog clears a bit. I feel confident in my direction going forward. I know it’s working; it has already made a significant difference. Genuinely, I’m glad I did this to myself. I have garnered success and confidence. 

Well, I still owe myself a mile on the elliptical. And then, to bed. Unlike most of you weirdos, I can drink coffee and exercise AND still hit my bedtime right on the button. So goodnight for now; more to come from the inner-circle tomorrow. 


Score: +3.5

Hi blog. I’m moving forward in my life, hoping to find a pattern that fits. It seems like I’ve had busy week after busy week without any let up. If not for my newfound attitude, I think I would be struggling to hold it all together. Tonight, I reflect on the things I have done to get myself to this point. I need to so that I can better understand what else I still need to accomplish. 

I have put up boundaries and kept to them, despite temptation. I have dedicated myself to having a better attitude about my life and found energy in me that I didn’t know I had. I know now that I am on a healthier path in my reality, and it is one that I choose to walk voluntarily. My brain thrives on chaos and uncertainty. Fear. These are negatives I have tried to do away with. I have implemented structure and discipline, and things are looking up. 

Amanda and I have been good. We are transitioning out of her recovery time and into going back to regular life. She’s not quite ready, but is still finding her way. This time she has left is critical to her chances going forward. Right now she’s exploring what it means to go through ECT and how unfamiliar a group it has made her a part of. I do hope she finds a connection out there. She needs people to help her find a way back to her life. It’s all happening in a way that makes sense for her, and I am glad for that.

Our relationship will survive this stressful time, and come out stronger in the end. We still have much we can learn from each other. I see her rebuilding, and it gives me confidence for what I also face. I’m strong for us both, and that I feel proud of. 

Controlling monkey mind is key to learning limit the nightly damage of anxiety. Seems the buspar isn’t getting it done anymore. But I feel that I still can be in control, if I maintain a mastery of my idle mind. It’s REALLY fucking hard to control my thoughts that way, but the rewards are numerous. I will continue to practice until I am the king of monkeys. 

I’m tired. My voice is gone. I hope I’m not getting sick, that would be a huge deal this week with my boss in town. Have a good night blog, and try not to worry. 

Out Of Brain

Score: +3

It has been an exhausting week, and I am just about to run out of gas now that the end is within sight. 1 on 1s are more than half way completed, and I’ll be glad when next Wednesday gets here so I can move on to something else. Something significantly less stressful, I hope. Sitting down with all 22 agents has been and is going to be hard. 

My mood has been good, in large part. What suffers is my energy. It vacillates, which sends disturbing vibes through my normalcy. I have, however, been diligent about following through on my self-made promises. I have indeed stopped smoking, and will continue to do so indefinitely. The real shit here is that I HAVE ON HAND a healthy quantity, but I’m not going to use it. It’s going to sit there, and there will be no indulging. Not even on Friday night. I need a break from smoke. I need to really clear my head, for a good long while. I may never go back. Who knows?

I have been fighting my monkey mind every night as I try to find rest. That seems to be the time when it is most aggressive. It’s really quite hard to just focus on nothing but breathing. I mean, it SOUNDS easy, but give it a try sometime. My mind is derailed consistently after a few moments, and then I fight back and refocus. That process repeats itself over and over until sleep drags me down. I have seen little improvement in my control of monkey mind, but I know it will take time. 

Amanda is working to knock out some of her lingering anxieties today, and I am totally proud of her for that. I even told her as much and she pretty much didn’t know how to respond. Her previous partners never appreciated her for much, if anything at all. I, on the other hand, am far more effusive and observant. So maybe my compliments will take some getting used to, but at least she gets to hear them. 

I met with my psychiatrist today and she was happy to hear I had stopped smoking and also pulled myself out of a depression. She was so enthused that I’m not going to see her again until early next year. I’m not concerned. I have had no cause to change my dosages since I last posted about it in my med log. I just need to hold the line, and follow through on my promises that I have made to myself. I am going to be tested to see if my boundaries will hold, or if they will fail. 

Tomorrow is Friday, and I will be glad that this week is over. There’s just so much going on that I can barely figure it all out sometimes. This is my challenge to overcome. 

I’m pooped. Time for a burrito followed shortly by bed time. I’m forgoing my exercise tonight is the weight of this, my busiest day of the week to date, has cost me my last drops of energy. The last thing I want to do is burn up after a long day. 


Winds of Change

Things are at another point of transition here in my current reality. Amanda has been advised to make some time to find herself and that will take her away from me for an indeterminate interval. I am both happy and sorrowful about this. Largely, I want her to go on this journey by herself and not feel my “presence” around her. What I mean by that is the conscious awareness that another person is there, a person linked by intimacy and friendship. That in an of itself is a burden on the mind, which has to spend extra energy dealing with this “other.” Amanda needs time to not have that presence there, and to concentrate solely on self-development. 

In some minor way I am sad that I will be without my friend and lover for a while. I know truly that it is for the best, but I wouldn’t be human if some part of me didn’t wish she could just stay with me. Maybe we could figure it out together? Meh. Unlikely. She really does need to be alone right now. 

Today is going fine. Busy time for me these days. Hopefully by mid next week I can stop and catch my breath. I just want things to finally fall back into a healthy pattern, for both of us.