Accomplished. There is a resounding, confident awareness of potential.
Still with symptoms today. Flashbacks. Old embers. Burning…
Laughter cures like a quick hit, but fades unless repeated.
I don’t know where I am yet.
The thread that still binds me to you across the ethereal plain grows increasingly thin, but I realize now, will never be gone.
Survivor of mental illness
15 years lived experience
Mindfulness practitioner
Side-By-Side Companion
Volunteer
Temporary Employee
Grant-Writer
Website Administrator
Peer Connection Program Coordinator
Peer Connection Support Group Facilitator
+++
Stacking up makes for taller piles of things. Looking at the sum of the things also pleases, especially since the evidence is right there.
My thoughts are moving around, or by. Too fast these days, and the little ribbons of the flapping as they whiz makes many dizzy and not good thoughts. Little pieces. Shrugged, slumped. Tired.
Activities such as this thumb message help. The realness of fact. The providence of knowing the self. So much remains covered in dried leaves.
I woke up this morning acutely depressed, and spiraling in with a chaining frustration that was dragging me down before I even had a chance to get started. I made myself a cup of coffee and took a couple hits. This seemed to take the sharpness out of the sadness I was feeling almost immediately. Since then, I’ve afforded myself a few moments of introspection. I know now that I must start being more vigilant against my depression as I am relying simply on the Buproprion to keep me afloat in the happy juice department.
It is on me to regulate this, healthily. Allowing time to mourn rejection is expected, but sliding down the slope is not. I need to monitor and address as symptoms arise. I need to be careful not to over invest or expect the unreasonable. Shattered hopes can cause a decent farther into the pit than is logically necessary. There’s no ticking time bomb on my life, despite the desired alacrity. There is still plenty of opportunity to be had out there, especially with persistence.
I’m feeling alright now, and I’ve already started putting in some of the work applying for jobs this morning. Still chiseling away at my David, but far from complete. Zoom out that telephoto and just relax. Take positive steps forward, every day, and eventually, I’m going to get where I’m going. Patience is one of those lessons I still have to learn this go-round the consciousness stick. I’m not sure at all what I’m referring to there… It just kinda came out that way and I didn’t redact.
I’m off to an above average start today, mainly because my pattern is starting to be re-established. I finally cured my sleep issues with a PROPER medical use of Cannabis as a sleep aid. It was either that, or go to CVS and buy a pill to make me pass out for longer than 3 hours. Those few days were miserable. Now, however, I woke up with OVER AN HOUR of deep sleep and holy fried monkey shit on a stick did that feel GREAT! Waking up after having that sort of night was a feeling I will truly remember… and also looking at my clock and being very excited about what time I saw.
I did a big walk today, like 3.5 miles, and I fucking CHUGGED the whole time, never lollygagging or loafing. I was sweating, breathing hard and zooming along to my heavy metal mix. I felt tired, a bit sore, but very strong. Feeling my lungs filling up with air, and my blood pumping was just the thing I needed to fill up the life battery.
I’m back to feeling like myself again. I thought, over the last week (and accompanying turbulence), that I have done a very good job being open about my processes and discussing my feelings out here. Transparency is so valuable, and I was a bit ruffled by how I was treated. I do believe there was a great deal of shit going on behind her curtains, but not my charge to uncover anymore. Missed out on riding the WEB train to Fuckyesville USA.
Some new thing will come along and light me up, as inevitably happens. Here’s hoping I hear back about the second interview today!
Clearly I was not doing super awesome in the mood department last night. Sometimes that will happen. I go down a hole and stay there a little while, but eventually, I get tired of being down there since nothing good ever happens while in it. I am still having sleep issues, but frankly, I’m pretty excited about today, which has propelled me forward a bunch. The process of misery has, albeit temporarily, run its course. I am pleased to feel a distinct transition this morning, despite the absurd starting point of consciousness.
Either I am taking a very big step forward, or taking it at some point in the near future. It is inevitable that I will continue to strive for a life I can be proud of. This profession is rewarding in a way I could not have fully comprehended without needing someone’s help when I was a patient. I am glad I have my life, and I see now how fortunate I have been along my journey. Many people have helped me, and others have hurt me and been cut away. Survival is carrying only as much weight as you can while still going forward.
Today I’m truly going to be Neurochemically Challenged as I withdraw from the Latuda and still shake the tendrils of THC. Still, regardless, I’m going right into the belly of the beast. I will make a shattering impact and leave them wondering when I can start working. Get it. Got it. Good.
Last night was, on paper, a good night’s rest. In reality, though, it was horrid. I was in near constant physical discomfort and dealing with violent core temperature changes. First sweating buckets, then shivering wildly. My muscles are tight and crampy. Overall, not a good feeling to wake up with. I feel zero percent rested.
I did still go fishing though. I got my heart rate up and sweated a ton. My nausea has kept me from eating much food so my energy tank is on fumes. I’m going to be improving my diet a little now, but fully once I move out. My mom has no interest in eating or being healthy and while she is making the food decisions, I’m largely reducing portions or abstaining altogether. As per our recent history, they are less and less concerned with me, my desires, thoughts, feelings, preferences, etc. I just need to get out of here soon. This dynamic does not promote good mental health. I need a space where I feel safe and in control. Living with them will never allow that to be possible.
I’m expecting an invitation to an in-person interview for either today or tomorrow. This will be a fucking slam dunk once they see and hear me. It’s all about the charisma, and charming/impressing are things I do well.
All this change is for a valid reason. I want a future, in my mind I see it, all the elements of it. I want to take that from dream to reality, and my progress so far has been with the intention of doing just that. I see happiness for me there. Confidence. Pride. Also, the stable point by which my doors might possibly again be open to partnership.
I’m on symptom management today, and I’ll let you know when I get the appointment news.
Score: -2
Well, it got me. I am poisoned with toxic chemicals and suffering madly. The Hunter-Seeker, however, is still out there. Lady Acute Withdrawal on the other hand, has her fingers around my throat.
Physical suffering of a new and unfashioned depths has taken residence in all corners and crevices. My inner temperature is gone, as though exposed to the vacuum of space and sucks out into the darkness. I shiver, twitch and fidget uncontrollably trying to stay warm. My stomach has fully eaten itself and there is nothing more than a long, uninterrupted PVC pipe going from my gaping pie hole to my utterly disgusting anus.
My mind is filled with unhappiness, malice, cruelty. There is a bonfire blazing in there with little angry demons dancing around it singing a merry song of death.
My only salvation during this most acute period is ****. She has stayed with me as I write in agony, and worked hard to keep me distracted and laughing. That is a friend right there. I’m over here about to fucking flay myself alive with anxiety, but she kept me grounded and thinking about something other than my state.
Thank you.
Tonight there is only misery. I hope to fall asleep and wake up with a new bucket of energy to mess around with. I was feeling so pent up I actually jogged today, albeit a very short distance. Someday.
Goodnight.
P.S.
Hunter-Seeker: I know you are still out there. Now would be a great time to float on in and fuck my shit up. Just saying. Tomorrow though, you better watch the fuck out. I’ll be fresh, and if you zoom at me, I’m going to thrash you then find the damn pilot and kick the ever living shit out of him too.
Yesterday’s Evening Score: +2.5
I was writing a post, but I got too tired and deleted it. Instead, it’s the following morning and I and I’m doing just fine. I did decide after fishing yesterday that I was done with weed for a while. I was smoking and my only thought was: yuck. It didn’t feel good. This happened to me with cigarettes, and occasionally with coffee… my body just starts saying no to it. So, I’m done.
Anyway, this helps my goal of increasing my cardiovascular health. as of this morning, I am down 11.2 pounds from the beginning of the month. I have done this 220 to healthy weight loss before, about around September-November area. I went from 220 to 189 then gained 35 lbs over the holidays. GOD DAMN COOKIES. The first 15 – 20 lbs come off pretty fast, but then it’s hard to burn the rest of my belly fat off. I will be escalating as I get stronger. Elliptical, fast-walks, muscle building, and Yoga if I can make the time with ** to go and do it.
This week is coming to a conclusion in a few days, and I expect within the next 2 my final interview will be set-up and I will be offered a job n Friday. Which I will take. I can figure on saving 800 every 2 weeks and shelling the rest out for rent and expenses. After a few months though, I’m going to be fucking loaded. Plus the settlement from the lawsuit coming in at some point in the future. It’s just security in case my truck explodes or some other expensive thing happens. Wealth, for me, is based entirely on worth of personality. Must rich people got to be rich by fucking someone else in the ass and leaving them in the street to die, which is not a particularly redeeming/trustworthy personality trait IMHO. If I’m going to have wealth, I don’t want it to be something that defines me in any way. Money corrupts, lots of money corrupts lots more. I’m not sure that’s how that quote goes…
Anyway, ***** is back, and I’m glad she’s safe. It was nice to snap a few texts off yesterday. More face-to-face time is an order though… there is something that misses… it’s a really abstract feeling. Allow me to try to put this into words: It’s like being something on the shelf that is out of place and someone going: oh, let me get that straightened out real quick. Now, take that anecdote from the perspective of the thing on the shelf, and you’re starting to understand the feeling I have, loosely. Way too incorporeal to define, but describing it with similar type things seems to be my only effective way to articulate. Its a filter thing. Anyway.
I have a new sing-along playlist which is good since the other one was getting repetitive. “for whom the bell tolls” is still on there though. Classic. People think I’m insane when I’m lip-syncing on my way to the Best Fishing Spot. Joy pays no mind to doubters.
Have a good morning blog, and here’s hoping I get some time to talk to my friend *************************************** today.
Neurochemically Challenged 