It was hard, those three days of heartbreak. Now, however, that time has passed. In its place is the regularity of the schedule we were enjoying before all hell broke loose.
I feel vindicated in a way, like I’m not the abhorrent person I thought I was based on the reaction of being cut off from my partner. Take that, voice of self-doubt!
I go see her in 6 days, which I’m excited about naturally. Cross country flight. Night boy will need all his night skills for this trip.
I love her and I’m with her no matter what happens at this point. Good or bad, I love her.
Don’t let me go K.
K came back! Like me, she suffered immensely in the extended hiatus and longed for what we had. My pain was hers, as she too struggled with her feelings. Should I be exiled to be “protected” or kept close until whatever end?
She decided keeping me close was easier than trying to push me away. Plus, her doctor said something to the effect of: “hey, you know, brain tumors can do some pretty crazy shit to your emotions and reasoning.” Prompting a reconsideration of her decision to keep me out of the circle. Plus, my blog posts here have been particularly saturated with sorrow and sad boy, which also had an unintended but highly beneficial effect.
Today I know her text is coming, and the feeling that brings me is one like a fountain of exciting bubblegum. Like a lizard that is warm on a rock. Like the smell of your favorite shoes. I think that pretty much says it all.
I love like a prayer, whispered as though being heard exclusively, desperately by the ears of someone who understands.
Feeling within an ache and a tumult; like storm waves lashing coastal rocks. I roil, but soon, the tide will flow out and the wasted shore will be laid bare.
More than anything, to be back in the sunlight of her favor. To hear the tone of her voice and her laughter like dandelion kisses on my cheeks. I remember her sweetly like pollen in the breeze. I long to be back, for however long I can be, until her light goes out. If indeed it ever does.
To face the darkness of the world without her is lingering in an eclipse without end. She lives yet she is gone, hidden from casting her radiance wide upon my world. A flourish of that magic that inspired my soul to give itself to her.
The bleak shadow of the darkened moon bleeds into the astral blackness of the chasm that divides us. Cast me down, into that void… reaching for the dwindling horizon. I’m drowning. I’m vanishing.
I wish I knew how to feel differently; to wipe away the congealed pain like grease on a skillet. Instead, I’m left pondering my loneliness.
Absolution is a hope but not a realistic one. Only those who frequent delusions can lock themselves out of reality fully… where I am left grappling with the truth.
I miss her like a spectral limb. The empty vastness of my life now apparent, I’m seeking a remedy to the sudden and harsh lack of communication.
I toil on.
The petal falling,
Into the dust of pain.
Sunlight through glass,
Stained and pitted–
A broken dream of day.
Too deep for memory,
Linger in the aching place,
Cavernous and hungering.
We didn’t have anything new to say, but that we missed each other. I do miss her.
I was so glad to see her text, even if I knew it wasn’t going to end in her coming back. I knew she was sad too. I wanted to text her but I didn’t… I have nothing I can say. She didn’t want to hurt me but she did. She didn’t let the future play out, she kicked me away before I could see her to the end. I have lingering pain because I wasn’t expecting to lose her.
I don’t want to be reminded if she’s lonely. I didn’t create this crisis… I am the one wishing it could go back to the way it was. I know she doesn’t want that though.
I thought I was good for her. I thought our interactions made her feel better.
She seems to be better off without me around at all. So be it.
It’s not good. The hallways are narrow and I’m feeling like my steps are slowing down, dragging out each painful agony where I can’t reach the end. A vacant area swirling with bits of trash and dried leaves.
Looking outward, the sun still shines somewhere. I can’t see anything.
I didn’t do a good enough job to be kept. I was not useful. I created burdens. I reminded of a future that could never be. Another failed attempt at being a partner added to a long history of sequential failure.
I hoped to have stopped my search, but now I must go on alone.
Maybe I will move on one day, but not anytime soon.