Flatness

Back from event this evening, many tired. My body hurts, and breathing wildfire smoke all afternoon was not a friend. I feel stretched, like thousands of tiny hooks are trying to peel off my skin. Achy creaks and general grunty responses are commonplace.

Good was dispensed this afternoon, assuredly. I muscled up and strapped on the happy smiles professional guise. La la! Have a happy fun!

Retreating to my soft place now, I recall how I was haunted by music today. Their faces came back to me. I saw things, and felt. I remembered. It was largely not a good thing.

All day it has been this way. I need rest, peace, sleep. I tried to do a good job, and I was told that I had. Positive affirmations. Progress. Steps forward, despite foreboding

It’s just me now. There will never be another. I am all there is left. I must go forward.

Action Distraction

Today has been difficult so far, but this afternoon’s booth duty should help that. I’m at the 24th St. bypass today at the Kumbaya Festival and I know that will keep me occupied. The festival lasts until 7 pm so I should be good and tired. I’m hearing a lot of music now, all the time today unless I am focusing on something else. Idle times bring the strings and beats of emotionally charged melodies. Lyrics marked as impactful slide next to amplified connectivity to memories, moments, good and bad. It sends me reeling at times, contrasted with a crushing weight of sadness that flattens me between hard metal plates. The defenses and constant optimistic spin has a cost, and the energy has been diminished over the last few months.

Salvation will be in the strength of will I contain in my desire to not collapse or crumble. I have taken action to remedy my neurochemical status but still have a good deal of time to go. My hope is to continue to prevail against the symptoms, the deep gravity of the abyss strengthening. There are so many things I feel pain over, for the things I have done to myself and others… there are many moments I wish had not been, but were nonetheless. Making sense of that pain has been my lesson, and it never stops hurting no matter how I cope with it. I can have benefit, but still know the ache of the sorrow. It reminds me of why I step forward.

I have no desire to fall apart, only to endure this challenge and emerge stronger. I used to quit on things, and myself, but now I know I won’t. It will be hard, yes, unavoidably so. So are all things that are truly worth having.

Memorization/Recitation

The following texts were typed from memory going back almost 20 years. name them both and you are awesome.

 

~~

In the year 10,191, the known universe is ruled by Emperor Shaddam IV, my father
In this time, the most precious substance in the universe is the Spice, Melange
The Spice extends live, the Spice expands consciousness, the Spice is vital to space travel
_________ who the spice has mutated over 4,000 years, use the orange spice gas, which gives them the ability to fold space
That is, travel to any part of the universe, without moving
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you
The spice exists on only 1 planet in the entire universe
A desolate, dry planet with vast deserts
Hidden away within the rocks of these deserts are a people known as the Fremen
And they have a saying,
That one day a man would come, a messiah, who would lead them to true freedom
The planet is Arrakkis… also known as, Dune.

~~~

The minstrel in the gallery

Looked down on all the smiling faces

He met the gazes, observed the spaces

Between the old man’s cackle

He brewed a song of love and hatred

Oblique suggestions, and he waited

He polarized the pumpkin-eaters

Static-humming panel-beaters

Freshly day-glowed factory cheaters

Salaried, and collar scrubbing

He titillated men of action

Belly warming, hands still rubbing

On the parts they never mention

He pacified the nappy suffering

Infant-bleating one line jokers

TV documentary makers

Overfed and undertakers

Sunday paper backgammon players

Family-scarred and women haters

And he called the band down to the stage

And he looked, at all the friends, he’d made

 

1. Spoken by Princess Irrulan before the beginning of the movie Dune
2. Minstrel In the Gallery – Written by Ian Anderson, performed by Jethro Tull

**UPDATED** 5/18 – Chapter 2.5?

A new album inspired by recent events. **UPDATE** There have been some uncanny harmonies I need to include, so the playlist has been adjusted.

  1. Hotel California – Eagles
  2. Walk Away – Joe Walsh
  3. For Whom The Bell Tolls – Metallica
  4. Don’t You Know What The Night Can Do? – Steve Winwood
  5. If I Can’t Have You – Yvonne Elliman
  6. No One In The World – Anita Baker
  7. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  8. Roam – The B-52’s
  9. A Little Respect – Erasure
  10. Middle Of The Road – The Pretenders
  11. No One Like You – Scorpions
  12. We Built This City – Starship
  13. What You Need – INXS
  14. Straight To My Heart – Sting
  15. Trouble Me – 10,000 Maniacs
  16. Beautiful – Gordon Lightfoot
  17. Right Down The Line – Gerry Rafferty

02/17 – Captivating Changes

This album was directly inspired by the litany of emotions I am going through in reference to Carly. It transitions from introductory feelings to a cooler silence of understanding and connection, which is replete with fire and passion. Compile the album and give it a listen to be truly in tune with my life experiences as of 5 days ago. It’s a bit soppy and mushy at times, but that’s how I am. This music really pulls my strings and gets me to feel things. It’s vital to understanding what I’m about.

Bold = The ones she copied to her playlist

  1. Cool Change – Little River Band
  2. Kodachrome – Paul Simon
  3. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  4. You’re The Inspiration – Chicago
  5. Freedom 90 – George Michael
  6. The Promise – When In Rome
  7. More Than A Woman – Bee Gees
  8. Lovesong – The Cure
  9. Lady – Little River Band
  10. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  11. Tonight She Comes – The Cars
  12. Waves – Blondfire
  13. Reminiscing – Little River Band
  14. You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates
  15. Eternal Flame – The Bangles
  16. No One Like You – Scorpions
  17. Panama – Van Halen
  18. Spiders – System Of A Down

Spun Until Drippy

Score: +1.5
It’s cold in my apartment since all these storms started rolling in. I’m working on a remedy as I write this. I will probably have heat by tonight, which will make my evenings much more enjoyable. I’m huddled up on my couch with almost no exposed skin and multiple layers. It’s cold. 

But I’m listening to music… this is how I work okay blog? Music has tremendous emotional power. Tremendous. I can be pumped-up or brought to tears from one track to the next. I had several songs of significance in reference to my relationship with Amanda. Those songs all foreshadowed what was happening between us, as was the case when I went through the end with Jax. “Cowboys and Angels” was just one good example. “More Than Words” touched on a thread of contention in our physical relationship. I was here sobbing my way through the lyrics, missing her touch, her smell. It was all being ripped away by my logical mind. But my logical mind has the moral high ground on this one. Theres no victory to be had for sorrow. 

More music, this time “Lovesong” by The Cure. Wow. It’s spot on. It’s a promise I couldn’t keep. I will always love her, I just can’t help her anymore. It is a crushing weight on me every minute since I had to turn my back on her. I feel insanely horrible about it, but it would have meant I would have to change something fundamental about myself and perception of what is right and wrong in order to continue helping her. She walked somewhere I was not willing to follow, so I had to let her go. I miss her. She was a good friend to me for two years. I wanted that life with her. I’m sad she didn’t. Ok I probably shouldn’t blog and cry at the same time. 

In The Groove

Score: +3.5

It felt good today blog. Very. My morning started with Io bumping her head into me and licking my leg at 4:45 am. So I woke up thinking: she must be hungry. But both food bowls were full. Motivation unknown. So instead of lounging around for a couple hours I went to work. And as I stated earlier, it was good. 

I was in on some cool meetings, future projects, new responsibilities, the works. I was praised and acknowledged by my boss and peers. Amanda wrote on Facebook and Google + about how thankful she was for me, and all that I do to help. The positive feedback just keeps rolling in. I could get used to this. 

I think something chemical has happened to me: I used to get choked up when certain songs would come on the overhead speakers. But now, I don’t. Not at all. I don’t think about my ex when I hear it. It’s a response I didn’t think I would know again. I had just accepted that certain songs would always remind me of her, and the feelings would rush back. Those days, apparently, are over. 

Progress blog, progress. Three cheers to Sassafras the Fiesty for always checking in, even when her life has gone batshit. You rock.