Long-Distance

I’m going to give this a try having done an LDR once before with the wrong person. In this new arrangement, there’s plenty to be happy about, and no frantic rush to implement. This scenario is FORCED to start off with knowing, friendship and the accumulation of trust before lives come together. It’s perfect for me!

But having someone to talk to every day who is keeping track of my life… that has invaluable worth. If nothing else, I feel significantly less alone than I did a few days ago. It was nice having “A” but “K” is a much better fit for my life and personality. We are common in our desire to achieve, strive and excel. What an inspiration! I think I made “A” into more than she was, but that veil didn’t shroud the truth of her motivations indefinitely. K is flamboyantly, attractively assertive and in-control of her own outcomes in a way I find irresistable.

So here’s to 2,400 mile friendships and the possibility of something more years down the road.

Expression

I’ve done some creative writing to sort through my feelings and thoughts about the breakup with A. I don’t summarize events, I only extrapolate and expound on my perceptions and emotions. I do feel better having done that. Creative expression is my new and most favorite coping tool for hard times.

On the flip side of things, there is (again) quite a bit of interest on the Positive Singles site. I have two conversations started and who knows where they will lead. I’m open to all possibilities and at least for now, both would be long-distance.

I’m still firmly grounded here in CA, but there’s a chance that if something works out, we could still find ways to be together that don’t require me to move out of state. I think it’s regretful that A didn’t even want to discuss this option, and seemed much more interested in finding someone who she could date nearby rather than work on what she and I had.

Frustrating.

Nevertheless, I’m moving on to someone who is a better fit for who I am. Maybe this will happen on PS but probably not. I’m still thinking I want to meet someone through work.

But what a confidence boost to be on the market for 1 day and draw interest immediately? Boss.

Distance

Things I feel:

Hurt, alone, remorseful, unappreciated, unloved, lost, curious, frustrated and sad. 

Things I am resolved to feel:

Confident, stable, convicted, open-minded, reflective, attentive, perplexed, adaptive and proud.

Things I’d like to feel:

Trusted, loved, admired, respected, tolerated, engaged, humored, bantered-with and assured.

Real things that are also felt:

Abandoned, mismatched, unaligned, disconnected, regretful, passionate, unacknowledged, disregarded and done. 

Before/After

I’ve been getting to know “A” over the last several days and I notice that this dynamic is forging into uncharted relationship territory. We are dating, so that much is established, but our bond goes very deep… but how? It hasn’t been a week, yet, I feel like I’ve known her for a long time. I had no inhibition with sharing my past and future goals with her, and she has done the same with me. How can we risk such profound vulnerability on what most people might consider “a stranger?”

Honestly, I don’t have an answer, but I do know I’m not at all scared to tell her the truth about who I am. I am also not afraid to be a free and open communicator about my feelings, preferences and desires.

But how did this closeness come to be? I am in a state of dialectic turbulence over this. The more emotional aspects of my consciousness are bonded fast to her, trusting, connected and intimate on a level I would expect of a partner I’d been dating for months or years. My logical, rational aspects are grappling with the uncertainty and newness of this relationship, and eager for stability to preserve this positive feeling I’m having. My mind reels at the thought of how new this is and how strongly I feel connected, but still demands stability, patterns and consistency to seal the deal and entrench my processes. I’m aware that time is only going to tick by as quickly as it does… I must exercise my (lacking) virtue of patience in order to gain the assurance my rationality is looking for.

Notice how I’m not spewing emotional effusions? How I’m not puffing myself up to seem more appealing than I am? I remember with C and S before her (and many others for that matter), I had to try and impress them so that they’d be interested in me, and hopefully, not leave me for someone more interesting. I wanted to keep showing and showing and showing them who I wanted them to see so they’d be attracted to me (especially since my affection was largely unrequited). None of that has happened thus far. I don’t feel any desire to be anything other than day-to-day me, which is refreshing in a way I’ve not known before. I didn’t know what it was like to just be who I am and lay myself bare for exposition, but now I do. She sees me, right through me, to the core, and THAT’S who she wants.

My dialectic continues to leave me in my contemplative wise-mind as I come to terms with the precarious balance of circumstance. It’s refreshing, but scary… trusting, yet unclear. I’m not torn to bits by this, instead, musing and reflective. This feels like what I always imagined healthy would be, and I’m excited to see where my road is going. I know I want her though, not just for now, but for always.

Squeezed

I’m very glad I have this online domain where I can come and vent out the radical things I feel or think. I have been using this tool for 7 years and it has never been anything other than the place I go to scream or cheer where no one has to hear me. Venting on real people is a kind of abuse (here, let me vomit on you then you clean it up).

I woke up this morning feeling great! It really did help to expunge a lot of my angst and sadness last night over knowing C was not interested in the immediacy of my emotions. Then again, why should she? Our lives are locked-in at this moment, but I’m no fool, and would never abandon my interest in her as a peer and friend over this disconnect in affection. I did want there to be more, but there’s not, and that’s the finality that I often lack in other endeavors. I was hurt last night because my feelings had to go away, but that’s exactly why I vomit on you, internet Blogomites.

The truth of things is still the same in that my trajectory forward is one I look forward to, and am fully invested in. I feel, this morning, very much alive and aware that great things are headed my way (of my own creation). Look at all the shit there is to be excited about blog! So many more positive things than negative… and I have this feeling in my chest like I’m doing the right thing by my life. I know I’m helping and making a difference. Sometimes all the pieces I hope for don’t fall into place, but that doesn’t mean anything to the greater sum of prospects and goals.

I do feel a lot better this morning. Focused. Confident.

I am thinking of making an album that doesn’t have an external focus, but finding the time to just sit and listen to music seems unlikely this week. Pride is coming up this weekend and that is starting to look like I’m going to hit back-to-back 12 hour days. I’m going to do some self-care today and take care of some stuff in my domain and go into work a bit later. Overall, I’m rebounding from my conversation with C last night. Humbled? Fuck no. Infatuated? Not anymore. Despondent? No sir; there was nothing that was lost in truth, only more things to be gained in the future.

Have a day, hopefully a good one.

Mirror

I am this person who strives to improve. I hope that I can better myself and keep things stable in my life. Despite the environmental variables, I think I have accomplished that.

Yet I grapple with loneliness. Like any other man, I have the desires. I have instinct that seek to bind with trusted partners. Having never met a man who can make me feel the way I hope, I often find myself looking to women.

This is an imbedded behavior that I am trying to overcome. I must realize that there is nothing. There is no one. There is just me. I have to stop thinking I’m going to be somewhere other than on the path I built for myself with my mistakes and choices. It’s kinda depressing, but it also has enabled me to stronger than I’ve ever been in my life.

I see it. The way forward is full of brightness and events. New people will be crossing my path every day. Places and circumstances I never thought possible will be realized. So much has changed in the last year and there’s still quite a bit of work left to do.

I’m proud. My future is as bright as it’s ever been, yet it attracts no one. A level of closeness I’ve never had seems to be a level I’ll still not comprehend. With all the good, and all the steps, I’m sure I must reconcile to walk them alone with no one to share in my adventure.

Circumstance and undesirability kept C away despite the clarity of my feelings. Maybe that is what ultimately causes her to realize she didn’t want it. I’m too much. Too big. Too overflowing. But mostly because no one notices me. No one tries to see me. No one will, I think. Like a well shaken champagne bottle of neglected emotions.

I feel sad that this door is closed.

Yet, I have a life full of good people and adventure. There’s a great sum of work to be done and I’m hoping to get out there and do it. With no one to share it with. With no one who understands me. Just me.

I said have a good night, but what I meant was goodbye.

The Jar

It all goes back in and the stopper on top. The finality of it is reassuring but the future seems emptier than before. A cringe and a retreat is my response. No regret but no more future either.

It helps to not have to hope; reality seems more achievable now. My effusions dispersed and evaporated away. The baggage of wanting removed and only the lasting bond of friendship remains. C and I seem like we won’t be, ever, and even though that is sad, it also helps. No I don’t have to dream anymore. I don’t have to yearn in an unrequited spiral. Now I can continue living my life the way I have been, erring a future built on good mental health.

Done. Back to the routine without the beacon to fill the world with light. Much as I always knew it would be. Much as I deserve. So on we go…