I’m both wounded and wound up in thought. Both saddened and contemplative. Wishing things were not as difficult as they are, and yet knowing they are for the best. It’s a hard conclusion to draw when perspective is lost, but necessary. I can feel sorrow, and yet, know that stability has been the objective of all my actions. It might be unfair, or hurtful, but it is an unavoidable truth.

Tonight the lights are out. Everyone is sick. I’m alone in the dark with my thoughts. With the repetition of my actions played out again and again. I feel the wounds I have caused now more than ever. Winding up in the inky blackness of today’s end.

Burn It Down?

For most people, this was a really shitty year. My introspection leads me to conclude it was not as awful for me as it was for most people: affected by the pandemic, unemployed, underserved or politically estranged. Maybe the best thing for people at this point is to set the whole year on fire and walk away…

My year started poorly with a relationship concluded under distressing and saddening circumstances. I was sick in February as well, just as Rona was getting going. Typically my depressive cycles happen in the late spring and all of the accumulating negatives combined to drive me in to a very low place. I contemplated what my future was, and if there was any point to plowing forward into such a stupid world.

I resolved to keep going both professionally and personally. I got “back on the horse” at my job and expanded my personal bubble to attempt to find companionship. I needed to boost my antipsychotic to 2 mg to help thwart some of the symptoms I was experiencing and I also got a new diagnosis: schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. This fits better with the symptoms I have and do experience but it also means I will be on an antipsychotic of some variety for the rest of my life.

By mid-year I had established a new relationship and began to work in the office again for the first time since late December 2019. COVID was headed downhill to some extent. The lockdown seemed to be working. Then we opened back up and everyone who could go to work, had to. Summer became fall, and the light of the sun began to dwindle away to the south.

I had accolades, performances and sacrifices all along the way. I never forgot the past while still trying to live for a better future. Still have a month to go in this freakishly disturbing year, and I haven’t once mentioned the presidential election. I did foreshadow “politically estranged” since a swath of 70 something million people are, undoubtedly, not in agreement with the result. Agreement is not necessary but compliance is to some extent expected.

So far, I can’t say I’ve been bored with this year… whether hilarious or horrible, things are always happening. I was discussing this with my partner, and we made a bet in early September that no new terrifyingly crazy shit would happen. RBG died shortly thereafter and I was promptly $10 in the hole. I even had a caveat that hurricanes wouldn’t count and I still lost in less than 7 days. This story perfectly encapsulates the never-ending, flaming shit-show that 2020 has been for most people.

We all get this month to hibernate and snuggle our families and pets that are so cute. I intend to spend an abundance of time next to things that are warm (especially space heaters) and drinking smoothalicious French press coffee. I encourage you not to gather with people outside of your bubble but do as much as you can to show your family that you love them regardless. Family are simply our “people.” They don’t need to be born to your blood to be a part of your tribe. Form your protective coalitions and take shelter during this COVID winter. I am turning off my consciousness recording software so that the calloused and scarred place on my brain where all my 2020 data is stored gets a break from the shenanigans. FYI, the switch is at the top of your left ear, like an AirPod gesture.