Pillow Talk

Hello blog. I haven’t written to you in a while, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been in a rut lately and many small things have added up to a lot of weight. Though, overall, I’m doing alright. I’m not acutely suffering, but some of the symptoms of depression are there. The fatigue, slow motivation, disturbing anxieties and skepticism seem to pervade, and especially in the morning. I was an hour late getting in today, for example. 

I feel much better though, now that I’m in bed. I’m happy here. Everything is soft with the fuzzies and warm. It makes me feel safe from all of the anxieties and stresses of my day. It is the one place I can go and feel at peace and protected in a very fundamental sense. Logically? No explanation whatsoever. I don’t even bother to understand it. It just makes me feel good and it’s not a controlled substance so you should be happy 

Will has been a great friend in this tough time. He’s always willing to talk to me about stuff, and has loads of insight from someone who knows me well. I have been meaning to ask, but he must look back on who I was in high school and wonder where that guy went. That me was direct, merciless, insane, goofy and bizarre. The only one of those things I still am is direct. I used to be so vital and energetic, but as time went on, it broke me. I collapsed. After that first depression and meds, I became someone different. I do not know how to compare these two states. Both are good and bad for different reasons. I favor stability and old me was in no way stable. 

I think I lost Carly. It would be sad but expected. She got scared by my herpes and that pretty much quashed the flame she may have had burning for me. She seemed to be really interesting, with a full life. However, she detached from me a long time ago for many reasons. It’s not the way I wanted things to go, but this disintegration was inevitable, it seems. 

I just want to have a normal day, you know, where I wake up refreshed? A day where I can focus clearly, have meaningful social interactions and feel solidly good. I have had days like that before. I’m trying everything to promote that possibility with my actions tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Goodnight blog. I promise to stop by more often. I haven’t forgotten you, I’m just struggling. 

Advertisements

Complications and Resolutions

In light of my good friend Will’s decision to pursue a physical relationship with his friend Erin, I have been giving some thought to the same perplexing possibility in my own life. The ingredients are all there for both of us, but I’m quite intent upon making a totally different meal than the one Will did.

Mainly, I don’t trust myself in that situation, and I don’t believe I could repress my feelings the way he has to. Sex creates bonds of closeness and that is something I want to avoid. Will is stronger, and he believes he can walk this road and not get hurt. I know in my heart that I could not do the same, as appealing as it sounds.

It’s not that I don’t like sex and closeness (I really do),  but when I look back over my life, I see failed relationships where I acted with my heart and got involved in things that would come unraveled eventually because I was too blind to see it wasn’t a good fit. At this point, I should know better than to go thinking with my dick or appeasing my feelings of loneliness with  companionship. I have seen where that way of acting gets me.

So I am both envious and fearful for my best friend. I hope he knows when to put the breaks on if that’s what needs to happen. It’s not a good match for him as far as a relationship goes, in my opinion. He deserves much better. As do I. I’m willing to hold off my urges and desires because I know that the end result is far more painful than the few good times that get sprinkled in along the way. Cost-benefit analysis.

Plus, it helps that I’m not looking for that satisfaction, and he is. I say if you have control over your life and don’t mind bringing in outside factors, then more power to you. If anything, it has made me realize how much I don’t want what he has, even if the idea sounds pretty fucking sweet. I know I’m not ready for that type of thing; not now, and not in a long time. My own dynamic with Carly  I believe may have lost the physical component but there’s no way to be sure at this time, while also irrelevant if that suspicion is true. If it has, then so be it… my life is headed in the direction of my choosing with or without it.

I guess this whole situation made me feel conflicted, then resolved. I do this with myself every so often; eventually coming back to a resolution about my attitude and behavior. I really do like this life I have where I only have myself to worry about keeping happy, or dealing with. I have a loving family and a strong sense of self… I really do have all the tools I need to launch a successful independent life laid out before me. I’m not going to let my dick get in the way of that, regardless of how nice it all feels to indulge. The temptation is strong, but I’m not ready, which is the final word on the matter.

This weekend has been a fucking blast. Fun parties every single day, family from out of town, beer on tap, Mexican food… do I really need to go on? Oh, did I mention my sister is going to have a baby??? I’m going to be an uncle! Hobie, that little man will be named, and he already has his first two onesies that I bought for him. I made a card for my sister too about how happy I am she’s bringing a new member of the family in to our lives. So many grand kids running around already it’s intoxicating and wonderful. Such a nourishing environment full of people who love me.

That’s the kind of thing I want to cultivate. I’ve always looked t make my own ideal family unit with some new woman from the outside, but now I realize I had one all along right under my nose. I need to spend more time nurturing the love that is already there and stop looking for it in other places.

Have a good rest of your weekend, as I no doubt will.

Union

Fingers,

Tenderly through damp hair,

Along the soft curve of her neck–

Lost in deep pools of blue.

Somewhere in that moment–

When in union,

Entwined in the act,

Eyes that drive into the soul–

Laid bare and exposed,

Dripping and moving,

Two worlds become one.

The wells of her beauty,

Captivated in her many places,

Those precious seconds,

Given gladly in adoration.

 

The Process

I have had a very in depth conversation with Carly which has stretched over hours, and we have come to the conclusion that we are friends who have a lot of physical chemistry. This puts an end, like I had mentioned in a deleted rant, to my boyfriend pressure. I didn’t have to terminate just clarify what our roles could be. So now we are friends who are attracted to each other and are rapidly growing more bonded to each other as well. I feel a place growing inside me that is only hers, and the unique way she makes me feel. I was not thinking clearly this morning and I was upset and ranting about it. I’m sorry for anyone that caught it before I took it down. Sometimes, I just need to stop and think for a few minutes before taking action. This is part of the lesson I have to learn from this situation. I have been emotionally pulled a bit, but clarity has arrived to ease the pressure of progression from my shoulders. I’m just going to let go, and allow things to happen as they will, not as I want. The rest of the lesson is just that, patience. If it is a good thing, it will continue to be so. There’s nothing I can do here but to be myself and live my life the way I had always intended to. With a natural progression, not by some regimented schedule. I have always sought control to appease my anxiety, but now I know that control hasn’t made the anxiety any better, and now my life is ridiculous because I’m trying to manage all these different things that are still ultimately out of my control.

It’s a cycle I need to be aware of, and start taking preventative steps to ensure it won’t gain the high ground on me again. I need to get back to that core principle of mindfulness, that momentary calm of simple breathing that cuts the chatter and brings it all to center. All I really need to do is remember to take a few deep breaths when handed a situation and instead of blurt something out, give pause to consideration. This deliberative moment can completely change the reaction that was about to happen had one not put the mental breaks on everything. It has saved me in the past, when properly implemented. However, I would say I have about an 75% fail rate in direct implementation of this practice. It’s up to me to embody the change I seek, and I need to alter the way I have been doing things lately. I think my physical health is improving, but there is still some mental work to be done here as well. Clearly.

Introspection is a powerful tool. It helps me see things inside myself because I am honest at all intervals. It works if one is willing to lay it all out there and process the whole fucking thing. Humility is a key virtue in this, because you don’t feel shame for your missteps, you just accept them and try harder next time. I believe we all have a lot to learn just by digging deep behind our own eyes. Introspection helps me find ways to improve as a person, and has been instrumental in my rise to stability.

I do caution you that being TOO introspective is also not useful. Keep digging and bad stuff will come up, and if you are a person with depression this can easily make things worse. A songwriter had a poignant quote:

“it ain’t good to stare inside yourself too long, for every true thing there’s one more lie…” -Bob Welch

If you know the song that quote is from I’m impressed with you sir or madam.

Anyway, look at all the great shit introspection can do!

Crumble

Well my emotions are finally catching up to me blog. I’m stricken by the though of Kendra alone and abandoned in the world. I really liked many things about her, and I mourn the loss of those things. Her assertive attitude and social ambition. I liked her dedication to the things she loved, and her positive outlook. Now I’m here in tears remembering all the reasons I got with her, and how all of that was undone by a greater sum of ugliness.

I had hope, and that hope is dead. It’s hard to have something like that die inside you. The echo and ache of it remains long after the event has passed. I have moved my life forward several steps, but my pain is still there. We had sex blog, and that’s a big deal for me to be close to someone like that and then have to cut them loose. I get attached with sex, and she was really not that way. I had only been with 7 women, and she had been with close to 40 different guys. Mentality difference.

My feelings went unacknowledged and ultimately rejected. I know I made the right choice but I still hurt because I did care for her, and I did want to be with her and be a part of her adventurous life. I must now let these things go. I must release her from my heart because there is no going back.

So George Michael – Older really pushed me over the edge. Fastlove, Spin The Wheel and others delivered gut blow after gut blow until I was in tears. The ache of loss is never any easier no matter how many times it has happened.

Well I’m feeling a bit better. I still stand by my logic, but my emotions play their own game by their own rules. I have to allow time for them to be realized fully, not ignored or partitioned.

What Happens Next?

I’m not confident in the future at this moment because many things remain obfuscated by variables beyond my control. I guess that’s usually the case, but I feel more uncertain about things since I am in a transition. I was feeling confident and stable with Kendra, but that was undermined over the course of three days and eventually destroyed. I was under the impression things were going to be okay at first, but the hints and clues started to pile up as the clock continued to tick forward. I figured it out eventually, but this one stung because there were a lot of good things about her that I will miss.

An important point of comparison: when Carly told me on the night of the 13th that she couldn’t be with me and wasn’t ready for a next step, I cried my fucking eyes out the next morning as I got ready for work. I was devastated. I just called things off with Kendra and have felt sad for approximately 2 minutes, and shed not a single tear. Why? Because I actually was able to emotionally bond with Carly and Kendra stayed remote and distant; an environment in which feelings don’t develop well.

However, Carly is a much better fit for me and I have always known that. My only issue was that Carly wasn’t ready on the 13th and Kendra pounced 1 day later. I mourned, but I was rapidly distracted. My feelings were still uncorked for Carly as there was no point in which I was resolved and not feeling anything for her. I still had her on my mind, that night we had together and all the words we had shared. I was left wondering what the hell could have happened, if we had been given the chance.

Now we are back forging ahead as to adults who are dating from across county lines. I know there are several really important things she has that Kendra was lacking that are fundamental to out compatibility. Carly has sympathy for my mental illness, and is very open and thoughtful about it. Carly and I share the same passion for music, and of the same types as well. Carly and I have talked 200% more than Kendra and I did, and I know more about her than I did with Kendra by far because Carly is the superior communicator of the two. These are just the first few major issues I was drawn to initially compare.

Point being, the hope for a healthy relationship is significantly higher than it was with Kendra. I am very fortunate that things worked out this way and that I was not fucked out of a chance to date someone really special.

I’m cautiously optimistic, but fearful of the unknowns that lie ahead nonetheless.

Moving Forward

My life is all about recovering from calamity, self inflicted or not. How I have come to be as strong and aware as I am was by surviving countless failures, and taking something away from the mess to further myself down the road. This situation is no different, and my plan of action has gone into effect perfectly.

I have managed to retain a great deal of positive momentum in reference to my physical health, and I am excited about beginning this journey. I have a goal in mind and I intend to reach it.

I am re-engaging Carly and this will be a slow steady crawl back to what we had before Kendra came along. We were at a high level of emotional relation and sympathy until it ended, and that fire really never went out. I just had to stash it away and pretend it wasn’t still burning. Even with Kendra, I still fantasized about Carly, and all the explicit things we wrote to each other. I couldn’t just erase her from my mind, and now thankfully, I don’t have to.

I just hope she hasn’t lost interest in me due to me being inconsistent and temporarily unavailable. I don’t think that’s the case but I have anxiety that I too will be replaced, the same way I had to replace her when she was gone. It would be poetic justice, and well deserved.

I’m still optimistic that the future is bright and full of potential. I’m healthy, active and ready to take on the next challenge. I know I’m going to do okay, albeit not without hardship, but I will persevere.