Grindy Grind

July 23, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

After more than 6 months of working from home, I am back in a physical space of employment to fulfill my new full time hours. The transition has been refreshing but tiring. From unstructured mush pile to the rigidity of alarms, bedtimes and long commutes – these have been the agents of positive fundamental change. I’m feeling more awake, refreshed and alert than ever before.

I have been thinking a lot about my recent past. As you know, I disconnected from my ex a few months back after a bit of waffling by both of us on our dwindling future together. The second time she called it off I feel like it stuck despite my denial at the time. I knew there was nothing there for me anymore, other than to serve as a repository for woe. In a relationship that nourishes, both parties have an equity of relevance, conversation and affection. When one partner is dying, this dynamic is skewed. There was no healthy balance in that situation, I learned… only a role defined by unending support, attentive listening and unquestioning understanding.

There was no space for individuation amidst a crisis which looms larger than any other mutual issue. I found that even though I was desperately needed to be that support person, I too was suffering a death of happiness, of dreams, of a memory of what that relationship was before cancer. When I finally severed my ties, I did so only out of self preservation. My depression was growing as the lifespan of my partner faded. With no remedy in communication, we split from a unified path and spiraled off in utterly distant directions.

I feel guilty all the time for choosing to help myself and not help her. I could not survive the dynamic, and she knew I would not and tried to end things peacefully long before it reached the point of despair I allowed it to arrive at. I feel a pain for her, but I knew that there was little to nothing left to gain by prolonging the inevitable separation of priorities that awaited us as she neared the end of her life.

So, about the time that I ended things with her, I began exploring options for a healthier dynamic. In truth, I did this initially so I could express some pride in myself. I think I’m a good person, definitely interesting, and I have a lot to offer in terms of companionship. Why not advertise that confidence in a context where I can be appreciated fully?

I did just that, despite my sorrow. I stepped forward and into a future where my life situation was not a constant source of depressed thoughts and feelings. I sought conformation, and got it from myself, and from others.

While I have been actively out here voicing my pain, and reflections on my past, I have been working on rebuilding my reality around a dynamic that nourishes instead of depletes. I needed to be appreciated, understood and ultimately loved by someone who was seeing the entire picture of who I was. Lofty expectations, I know.

At the cost of abandoning one life, I have forged another. With the toll of pain, I have entered a new stage. I uncompromisingly decided to live my life where my health and well-being are the primary concern, then followed by the energy I have to give to the other people. I will not live FOR anyone but myself. This does not mean I am selfishly absorbed in my own pleasure, but my health comes first before I render assistance. I do help, a lot, every day, and this too nourishes me because I am able to give my energy freely, without concern of an unintentional relapse into a darker place. Did I hurt her on my way out? Undoubtedly yes… but she knows as well as I that there was no happy future, no time of promised tranquility on the road we were walking together… and now that time is over.

This rant is not absolution, since I live with the guilt. This rant my proclamation of change. I have stated time and time again that I would not be willingly mired in depression and sadness if there was something proactive I could do about it. I have taken my positive steps and now the future I have in mind looks much more healthy and functional than it did in the recent past.

No amount of penitence can absolve me of my sadness over her, but a brighter way forward is the proof of self worth I need to construct a better life for myself.

Anxiety

July 9, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

I think about the good times of relative mental stability I’m having. How long will this last? Spinning…

My mom is of deteriorating health. She refuses to admit the problem or get help. She struggles on in stubborn silence and suffers the consequences of neglect. Dad is already dying. Getting weaker by the day. His spirit is strong, but once he becomes unable to speak, he won’t want to be alive anymore.

The future of these things happening has become suddenly apparent for some reason. Is this a rush of anxiety? Do I now realize my station is contingient on having a parent to take care of? I needed to find a way to sustain beyond this limited role, and I have not done so of late. I have not secured a future beyond the shortening lifespan of my parents.

All along the way, I had hoped to sustain a relationship that would be my “net” once the parent world fell apart. I thought I had this in some limited capacity before (with K), but now realize I’m back to zero. I have as much to give as I ever have, but I have more energy than my parents have time left to enjoy it. Things are leaning towards decay, at an ever increasing pace. I wonder now what I am doing, and if I am safe to continue doing so into the foreseeable future.

I gamble all on the devotion of love.

I will always be there for my parents, even if it ruins me in the process. I owe them everything, and I will give everything I have if it will help them have a better transition. I have nothing to lose. No property. No wealth. I have only my time, energy and words to give to them for as long as I can. The end seeming nearer than it has been before.

I also must try to find someone who can understand my plight and still love me all the same. I have not given up hope, but it is not a viable thing to invest much time in. I am trying but who knows what will come of it. I have had glimmers of success, to be followed by sadness (in recent memory). I have no more allowance for excessive sadness in my dynamic anymore. I’m full on woe.

Good luck me. Keep my path all the same! Persevere (and find evidence of life on Mars)!

Verbs

June 24, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Terminate

Mourn

Resolve

Exfoliate

Lacquer

Congeal

Arrive

Absorb

Endure

Probe

Inquire

Reveal

Hope

Metaphortastic

June 23, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma | 1 Comment

When it is right, you know it?

I’ve long believed in that, awaiting the validation of truth. Have and keep, not have and have ripped away, burned, exploded or otherwise lost.

The only way to know is to walk forward, open, in anticipation of the uncertain road ahead.

My canvas is white and not smeared with failure.

I do not know, I only hope.

I will fail again, only to procure a new surface to draw upon.

!

June 16, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Loss, Mental Health, Pride, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I’ll tell you now that I’m tired of languishing. I am bogged down in this mud and I’m fucking sick of it. This is me moving out and up.

The cost is high no matter what road is chosen, but at least in this aspect I have some control over my fate. I decide what steps forward I take and what I give my energy to.

My mental health as the priority, I needed change in order to jolt free of this negative pattern that has pervaded the last few months. That time for change has come.

It hurts, it sucks, but it is totally necessary in order for there to be progress.

Goodbye. Hello! Let’s start a new path onward.

Blam

June 16, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Well, fuck, Blog. Here we are at another cul de sac. Life has reset back to an uninteresting state.

I feel like cold potatoes.

Something good will inevitably come of all this trial and error. Trial and trial. Smash and pancake.

One is gone, but hope remains for a future where fun things are happening.

Button press. Beep. Boop.

Here we go again.

With Feeling?

June 8, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I wish I could write it all out; just how I’m feeling inside… but the haze continues to obscure. I thought breaking away would being the calm I had been seeking… but instead, a chasm has opened. In to it go all my silent words, all the pain I had been stashing. Emptied.

Now, though… I’m finally alone in my circumstance. All the stress is gone, but the misery remains.

I still don’t know who I am, or what I want. I have so much left to give, and a lot of work still to do. Life is meant to be thought of with the arrow pointed up. My arrow is nowhere to be found at the moment.

I am going away for a while. I am walking about to find who I am right now, and what going forward means to me. When I come back, hopefully I will have learned something.

Scream

May 27, 2020 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Haiku, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

The vacant silence,

A once full room now empty,

Scream into the dark.

Course

May 15, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poem, Poetry, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

A light that guides them…

The bright stars silent and gone–

Prevail through the dark.

It Was With Us

April 27, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Depression, Life, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Society, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

It’s been here for some time, we are beginning to discover. The testing is so far behind we have no idea what the scope of this thing encompasses. I remember the numbers on the daily ticker… when they were much smaller. How long does this go on for? What a frustrating apocalypse this is.

My transition has been smoother than most, but still a dramatic deviation from the well-established norms. I don’t know what lies ahead, but my first guess about the scope and scale of the pandemic was pretty right on.

I hope we do not reach 60% infected. I hope it stays where it is… around 3%. Does it just keep getting worse, further stuffing us into our little security compartments? I already hate the way we are surviving this and I’m surely going to hate it more when there are fewer things for us to do.

I hope you all get through this with no COVID-19.

Dry

April 25, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Thoughts, Trauma

The river has stopped flowing. Sunny days sap the ground of its moisture, leaving a parched and blighted waste.

Remembering the kiss of rain on sand; the fragrance of dampened dust.

When the twilight comes and the warmth of day is gone, then, alone in the cold of night.

Deeply breathe in the stale air of the abandoned place.

Breathe. Breathe.

The Voyage Home

February 26, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Future, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I’ve been in Mobile since Friday, departing this afternoon for California. This trip was longer than my last, which gave me time to become acclimated to being with K. It felt like a life together. It was as a very positive trip, with the specter of cancer still ever present.

This morning I broke down. And now too. I’m having a difficult time holding off my sadness and tears. I want to have this life, but so many obstacles and uncertainties are in the way. The unclear future has yet to reveal a long term forecast and that absence sends my anxiety looking for things to speculate about.

One thing I do know is that I love her and it would not be hard to be her partner in a practical sense. I have a confidence in myself and a fear of the unknown. This circumstance is stressful, but also full of love, and friendship.

But I have to go home now. I have to say goodbye to my girl and lock her away inside my phone; until we see each other again. I am holding you in my heart K. I hope we emerge from this tough time stronger, as I am strengthened in facing my pain by the inspirational way you address the difficulties of life. Never have I been more proud to be someone’s partner. That’s what makes goodbye so hard. That’s why I’m crying while I type this little post. I’m scared, and I don’t know what’s coming for us. What I do know is that I’ll love you loyalty and truly for as long as you are around to be loved.

So goodbye K, and may this not be our last adventure together.

The Feels

February 20, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

What is the right way to be? Is it who I’m needed to be, or is it just “me?” In the past, I have become who I believed I was supposed to be, for the person that I partnered with I have learned that making oneself fit into a cookie cutter often leaves bits chopped off, or gaps.

Being disconnected from the way K did a few days ago was painful, because it felt like it was also a condemnation of the quality of which I love. As if to say: she felt she’d be better off without my presence in her life, despite her intention to protect me from a perceived future calamity. Said calamity is a growing possibility, but admittedly, not yet set in stone. What I do know, and she came to discover, is we only have the time we have. How we spend that time is ultimately ours to decide. I do not still feel hurt by this, mind you, because she did miss my presence in her life and did not like the feeling of my absence. This turn of circumstance has allowed me to be much more rapidly introspective about the whole thing.

Now, however, I find myself being “clingy.” I got let go of once, I’d like to ensure that it doesn’t happen again due to some sort of neglect on my part. Am I not hearing her? Am I not there for her like I ought to be? Am I telling her how I feel about her enough? So, naturally, this is a sort of panic reaction. I’m noticing it, I’m doing something to regulate the urgency of this unproductive prerogative. I do need to establish that the lines of communication should be wide open, because we only succeed together in total honesty.

I hurt her too a few months ago, when I she felt stifled her sharing about what she was going through with her cancer treatments. This has had a lasting effect, and now there is a barrier of hesitancy between us that distresses me. I understand why she feels this way too… I’m still grappling with how to be in my role in our relationship, given the torment of her every waking moment. I long to “do” something but sometimes the only thing the “do” is be there, talk, laugh and try and move the time along. Share something, have a distraction to engage in. Most importantly though, is proximity, and physical comfort. This is the thing I can’t do, which makes for the source of my emotions. It’s a tough role to mark our first 6 months together, but I’m working my way through this just as she is.

This rant has a point. That is: we are humans trying to survive a particularly stressful circumstance. I struggle, she struggles, I help her up sometimes and other times she’ll help me. Partnerships are built on being equals when you can be, and allies when you need to be. The brand of love I bring is the unconditional variety, which makes me both vulnerable and naive. I long to be loved back the same way, because having someone that close who will protect you when times get tough is the core of surviving this world. Allies are essential to success and establishment of identity. Whether its friends or partners, we need people to reflect back to us who we are, and what space we occupy in the world.

K is my partner, and even if she wanted to brave this thing alone, she still has me, and I’m going to the edge with her if need be. I’m loyal to her cause and I’m desperate to have her in my life for as long as I can. Losing her artificially was toxic, and losing her for real is still a possibility. I would like to do what I can to help her through this particularly dark time. I’m counting on having her, but I know I could lose her. I will take every precious chance to be in her orbit, however distantly. For who she is, for what she believes in and how fiercely she fights… I believe she will emerge from this hardened.

Who am I? I’m still me. I only have a switch that goes from LOVE to OFF and right now that bad boy is stuck open. I only know one way to be a partner, and that’s in admiration of the one who chose me, and a respect to myself to keep that person she loves still vital, healthy and not crushing myself into a cookie cutter mold. Staying honest to myself helps me stay strong and aware of issues when they emerge (being mentally ill: issues always emerge). I can only control who I am, and who I am is a work in progress.

Back To Normal

February 16, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

It was hard, those three days of heartbreak. Now, however, that time has passed. In its place is the regularity of the schedule we were enjoying before all hell broke loose.

I feel vindicated in a way, like I’m not the abhorrent person I thought I was based on the reaction of being cut off from my partner. Take that, voice of self-doubt!

I go see her in 6 days, which I’m excited about naturally. Cross country flight. Night boy will need all his night skills for this trip.

I love her and I’m with her no matter what happens at this point. Good or bad, I love her.

Don’t let me go K.

And Then…

February 12, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

K came back! Like me, she suffered immensely in the extended hiatus and longed for what we had. My pain was hers, as she too struggled with her feelings. Should I be exiled to be “protected” or kept close until whatever end?

She decided keeping me close was easier than trying to push me away. Plus, her doctor said something to the effect of: “hey, you know, brain tumors can do some pretty crazy shit to your emotions and reasoning.” Prompting a reconsideration of her decision to keep me out of the circle. Plus, my blog posts here have been particularly saturated with sorrow and sad boy, which also had an unintended but highly beneficial effect.

Today I know her text is coming, and the feeling that brings me is one like a fountain of exciting bubblegum. Like a lizard that is warm on a rock. Like the smell of your favorite shoes. I think that pretty much says it all.

Clasped

February 11, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Death, Depression, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

I love like a prayer, whispered as though being heard exclusively, desperately by the ears of someone who understands.

Feeling within an ache and a tumult; like storm waves lashing coastal rocks. I roil, but soon, the tide will flow out and the wasted shore will be laid bare.

More than anything, to be back in the sunlight of her favor. To hear the tone of her voice and her laughter like dandelion kisses on my cheeks. I remember her sweetly like pollen in the breeze. I long to be back, for however long I can be, until her light goes out. If indeed it ever does.

To face the darkness of the world without her is lingering in an eclipse without end. She lives yet she is gone, hidden from casting her radiance wide upon my world. A flourish of that magic that inspired my soul to give itself to her.

The bleak shadow of the darkened moon bleeds into the astral blackness of the chasm that divides us. Cast me down, into that void… reaching for the dwindling horizon. I’m drowning. I’m vanishing.

Yearning to Absolve

February 11, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma | 2 Comments

I wish I knew how to feel differently; to wipe away the congealed pain like grease on a skillet. Instead, I’m left pondering my loneliness.

Absolution is a hope but not a realistic one. Only those who frequent delusions can lock themselves out of reality fully… where I am left grappling with the truth.

I miss her like a spectral limb. The empty vastness of my life now apparent, I’m seeking a remedy to the sudden and harsh lack of communication.

I toil on.

Fallen

February 10, 2020 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Grace–

The petal falling,

Into the dust of pain.

Sunlight through glass,

Stained and pitted–

A broken dream of day.

Holes–

Too deep for memory,

Linger in the aching place,

Cavernous and hungering.

Sore

February 10, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

We didn’t have anything new to say, but that we missed each other. I do miss her.

I was so glad to see her text, even if I knew it wasn’t going to end in her coming back. I knew she was sad too. I wanted to text her but I didn’t… I have nothing I can say. She didn’t want to hurt me but she did. She didn’t let the future play out, she kicked me away before I could see her to the end. I have lingering pain because I wasn’t expecting to lose her.

I don’t want to be reminded if she’s lonely. I didn’t create this crisis… I am the one wishing it could go back to the way it was. I know she doesn’t want that though.

I thought I was good for her. I thought our interactions made her feel better.

She seems to be better off without me around at all. So be it.

Magic Beans

February 8, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

I wish I was able to give her a bean and her pain would go away. A magical bean that lifted the burdens of worry and anguish. A bean to save the day, as beans so rarely do.

But sadly, I have no bean. I only have my own sense of inadequacy, frustration, and sadness.

If only I had a bean that would fix everything. What a happy little bean that would be! Hooray legume of power!

All I have is my love, devotion and upcoming trip this month to bestow my physical compassion on my lovely girlfriend, as she fights to the bitter end with her cancer.

We will get through this, with or without beans.

Chemo K

January 28, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

My girlfriend has a cancerous tumor on her spine, and she is well into a month plus of heavy chemo. The toxic sludge she has to ingest wrecks every part of her body, and is pushing her right to the brink of death. For me, I know there is no way to shield her from the pain, or the symptoms… but I can be compassionate, loving and humorous at relevant intervals. This is what I can do from far away. Empathy, compassion and understanding are my tools. She is now also receiving radiation treatments to help destroy the tumors, with an accompanying set of additional side effects. My heart breaks for her, but there is little I can do to make her day-to-day life less agonizing.

I am eager to get back to Mobile and see her in person, so I can be a physically useful person in her immediate proximity. How can I relieve the biggest burden, the pain, if I am not there to actually carry the load? I’m going to put my tax return to good use and let Uncle Sam pay my way to the deep South next month and get a few days of relief in line for her. Plus, all her friends and family have come out of the woodwork now that she has a diagnosis and many are offering help of some sort. I’m glad she has that support network to rely on.

My therapy session was focused on my role in this new predicament. I feel both glad for the love I feel, and afraid of all the potential negative outcomes. I have anxiety, yes, but it does not own my processes. Worry is healthy, and a response that I feel is somewhat appropriate to reflect the gravity of the subject matter. I love someone who is going to come very close to death, and that’s a scary thing.

I know I need to be there, and I will be for a time. K is unbelievably strong. Her strength helps me keep my mind on the positive, and the inevitable victory she will achieve over this unwanted intruder. I hope I can help her somehow… I don’t really think I do much but distract her. That is relief, at least.

Have a good week everyone.

Hi

January 18, 2020 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I’m checking in for the first time in a while. I have been sliding down into a depressed state for many weeks now, and I am starting to use my coping tools to help me find a way back up. I have already begun this turn to some degree but coming back here and writing my thoughts out is a big part of how I process.

My depression is lubricated by the circumstance of K having cancer and engaging in a knock-down, drag-out brawl to liberate herself from it. It’s a very real possibility that she will not be here at the end of this struggle, and that chills me in a cold-knife-to-the-intestines kinda way. I do try to keep my optimism and attitude positive but I won’t hide that I’m scared. I gave her every part of myself that I had to give, and she could be gone. More than just that though, I feel detached from myself like I’m watching my reality through a screen and I have the joystick in my hands. I don’t feel like there is much I can do to influence anything… I feel ineffectual somehow. Irrelevant maybe is the better word. I have lost a sense of what I am good for, what I am doing and why I am doing it. Is anything I do making a real difference? Are people benefitting from the energy I give? Am I even giving enough in the first place? There is a voice of nagging negativity and dubiety plaguing me from afar. Work has felt like a black hole since we lost our office. I’ve had a very hard time establishing a routine since there is no physical location to drive to. I end up somewhere between serious and relaxed, composed and decomposing. I need to get out of this house and I have been contemplating ways I could have a remote location where I do work. I’m actively problem solving my circumstances. Lastly, I just feel that neurochemical imbalance… slow, sad, unexcited, bored, anxious. It’s an all the time stagnant haze which my flashlight only further illuminates rather than provides me with any clarity on the path forward.

Though these thoughts and feelings do haunt me, they are a small fraction of the pervading good that I feel in my life. Many positive things are happening in my world that are cause to be hopeful: I have a wonderful woman in my life who knows me and loves me for who I am; she is with me every day whether physically present or not. I have a loving family that is willing to work on improving their communication skills. I just traded in my 15 year old Dodge for a new Nissan truck! I have a job where being mentally ill isn’t something I need to hide, it’s something that qualifies me to do the work that I do. We just bought a new house for my mom and dad and I, in a very beautiful area just up the freeway from Sacramento. Life has never been as good as it is about to be.

I have these dialectical thought processes: I take the good and the bad and respect both while not siding conclusively with either aspect. I often proceed with things having considered both the positive and negative aspects of said things (or, I try to). I can love/hate with the best of them. I think this keeps me from being too stubborn, or too closed minded. I like having things to add to either column, and since the balance favors the less objectionable option, I have the ability to be moved on issues where most would be unwilling to acquiesce. It also helps me not get too lost in my depression, because I can still see the good too. I know there is sadness, and sometimes it is the only thing I feel… but I also know that the sadness will pass on to something else if I help it do so. A distraction, or a game, a good conversation, a hug if you can get one for sure but we don’t always have someone to hug. There are things I can do for myself to help me get out of this place and that’s what I’m going to be pushing for in the days ahead.

I need to get this body moving again and continue my better eating habits. I have a plan of action to help restore my vital energy and eccentric spunk I’m so often known for. I am coming back, one doofy comment at a time.

Alabama

December 2, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Your worry is a shroud of fog that hides a vast world underneath. A veiled reality that the future and events have not yet made clear. I wish I could help you see through to the truth of what can be.

You fret over me but I know this is out of a fear that love will fade as it has in the past; with other men. You are not wrong to fear. Trauma teaches us to be afraid of circumstances expecting an outcome. Those triggers will fire but not be ratified with harm. I am not like the others you have known.

What I don’t think you see is how much you are a part of me now. I know you understand I’m in love, but do you know I feel you in my blood; pumping through my heart? Do you know my every wish is to be together with you? I’d give anything to have that life with you, even amidst the ensnaring mess you find yourself entangled in. Even from this, there is escape. There is hope.

You are my person now, and I am doing everything I can to help you out of where you are. I wish to help launch you into a future you can thrive in. I see you: crinkled, I oppressed and downtrodden. Your life has you confined. Chained. I’m honest in my desire to rid you of those chains forever. One by one, they will be cast aside.

If only you’d believe me. If only I could convince you that it could be real. It’s not a fantasy if it is our reality. It’s only as far off as we allow it to be. I need you K.

I hope this message challenges your doubt for us. I hope it makes you question that fear you have that I may leave. You’ll see my devotion here, my desire for a healthy life. Not just mine either.

Find your rest and reconcile your anxiety. Tomorrow is a day where I take one more step closer to you, and us.

Going

November 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma | 1 Comment

I’m fewer than 55 hours from flying across the country to see my girlfriend for the first time. We started counting down 52 days ago, and here we are with fewer than 3 days left to go.

I can say I’m very excited. Scared a little too. I’m going far from my safety zone. However, I do know that I will be loved and appreciated where I am going. K and I have been speaking with the frequency of a married couple, and the passion of two halves separated and waiting to be rejoined. I feel a burning for her that, as I have stated, I have not felt in years. Since J.

Now that the certainty of our union is nigh, I feel a sense of satisfaction with my situation. Life is stable for the most part. My career is humming along nicely. My mental health is in fair standing (with the occasional blip).

I did hear Sting’s “Why Should I Cry For You” and it tore me a new/old wound. It’s amazing how much love I had for J that the echoes of my hurt still remain to this day. It scares me a little that I feel the same yearning for K. I don’t ever want to hurt like I did when J left me. K is a very different person though. We love, we perish in flames, we are reborn of the soot of our prior demise.

I will have 3 days of absolute bliss. I feel the push and pull of my dialectic, but now, the superior sensation is ecstasy. The only tingle that pervades is that of anticipation for that moment when her apartment door closes, and we are alone at last.

Blast From The Past?

September 27, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I feel both remorse and jubilation given all the things I have been through. So many tries at love, and a litany of failures to look back at. I always believe the litter of past transgressions can be removed, leaving a pristine landscape once more, but it does require energy, time, patience to clean it away. I have endeavored to do my part but it was never a thing that could be done alone.

I get the distinct feeling J is still out there, lurking. She being liberated of he need to find a resolution or a process designed to heal, I am simply followed by a vague shadow of someone I once loved devotedly. I find this regrettable. My whole trajectory in the last 6 years has been geared towards helping build bridges and healing people… yet, I can’t heal her. I can’t even talk to her anymore without having my soul ripped in half.

I know her accusations are the only thing she has left to harm me with (and she has), as they are an instrument that can affect change. I regret who I was, and I would change any number of things that happened to produce better outcomes… but the sad fact remains that fretting about my past is not going to change it in any way, ever. The only thing I have left is to try and build a better future for myself.

I don’t know how to bridge the vast chasm that now exists. From my peer support perspective, all healing begins with open, honest conversation. All steps forward that build us up do not also suppress the feelings/emotions/traumas of the past.

In my new life that I have made, I find myself feeling proud of my accomplishments and not ashamed of who I was in an active way. What good does shame do me? I can’t walk forward with it on my back. I can only hope to reconcile the a source for myself since I am unable to control anyone else’s perceptions. My door has always been open, and remains so to any relic of the past who desires to move beyond what was done, into what can be. Shame is not the answer, systemic change is the only remedy.

Maybe because I am feeling these same feelings I had for J that this is coming back. It seems to be a very odd coincidence… I’ll keep you posted if it turns out to be just a Hunter-Seeker.

Before The Group…

September 4, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Future, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer

I’m sitting here getting ready for my support group. I will admit I’m having some symptoms: anxiety is spiking, depressed thoughts are chewing away at me, and a general sense of dread hangs overhead.

I long for that daily conversation I used to have with A. Now there is a silence that my wheels spin frantically in. I was engaged, and now, no one really cares what happens in my world.

I’ve started talking to other women. There are a few that have responded to my replies. I’m kinda rebounding hard, but this is what happened last time. I had a falling out only to be picked back up again almost immediately. I’m that circumstance back in June, I should have been more conservative. A and I were in bed together on our second date. I don’t want anything like that now. I’m still hurting.

I’d really enjoy talking to someone again. Having a chat buddy to catch up with on the day’s events. Someone who wants to see inside me. It’s so intoxicating to be cared about. I wish I could share my perspective with someone who admired me.

My group will go great tonight. I’ve got a lot I bring as facilitator and person living with mental illness. However, I just want tonight to be done. I’m feeling like I need to close my eyes and shut out the world for a while. I am alone here and feeling like I’m nailed to the shore as the tide comes in.

Hurt And Scraping

September 4, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I guess my reconciliatory tone towards A is founded in the still-fresh ache of separation. I do still have feelings; I’m not a robot that can just shut them off.

I do think our break is for the best. You have to be in the right state of mind to be in a relationship. There were things she and I never really connected on. I had defects and so did she. The more distance I get from the break the more clearly I see things. Plus, I’m hurt by her sneaky actions activating her profile and looking for guys while we were still dating.

This probably means I’m going into silent running for the near future. I visited PS and responded to some messages, but once my premium status expires I’m not going back.

I just don’t think I’m going to find the right person on that or any dating site. I need to meet someone through one of my activities in the world. Whether at outreach or through some professional capacity, I’m hoping to align myself with like-minded individuals who share an interest in good mental health.

I had someone like that, but I scared her away and now C is long gone or entrenched in dislike. I wish it wasn’t so.

I’ll keep my doors open but I’m not seeking. I would like to make some close friends in my profession that become more. Hopefully, this process takes the time it needs to be a worthwhile investment.

Distance

September 3, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Things I feel:

Hurt, alone, remorseful, unappreciated, unloved, lost, curious, frustrated and sad.

Things I am resolved to feel:

Confident, stable, convicted, open-minded, reflective, attentive, perplexed, adaptive and proud.

Things I’d like to feel:

Trusted, loved, admired, respected, tolerated, engaged, humored, bantered-with and assured.

Real things that are also felt:

Abandoned, mismatched, unaligned, disconnected, regretful, passionate, unacknowledged, disregarded and done.

Ownerless Album

September 3, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Music, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I was feeling very confident in my affection for my girlfriend earlier today, until she made it clear we were not on the same page and became my ex. I worked for a bit on compiling this sequence of songs to (ironically) brush over the feelings of despair associated with losing love, only to find it again later in the playlist.

Mournful, yes, was the appropriate tone-setter but not the end of the story. I still feel hopeful for my cause; my desire to be loved and to give love fully. My life is still moving forward. Sharing that with “A” was what I wanted to do, but I never really believed it or committed myself fully. I discussed the possibility of going my separate way many times in therapy but now to have it play out in reality is a whole different experience. I do miss what we had while it was good, and wonder about how it went astray.

I tried to be honest with my feeling in this playlist and effusive/voluminous would be good ways to describe my enduring affection. Breaks don’t just end feelings… they hang on in a painful remembrance which makes the acuteness of my album’s emotional story ring all the more true now that I sit here listening to it again. It aches where she is missing, but I know that won’t last forever.

I have no bridges to cross out of independence to companionship… and maybe it will be that way for a while.

Beer Bottles & Huggy Times

Length: 74 minutes

Play The Game – Queen
If I Can’t Have You – Yvonne Elliman
Just Like Heaven – The Cure
Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down) – Tears For Fears
Just A Song Before I Go – Crosby, Stills & Nash
Spiderwebs – No Doubt
Radio/Video – System Of A Down
Drunk Sincerity – Bad Religion
Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
Let’s Go – The Cars
Diamond Girl – Seals & Crofts
Saturday In The Park – Chicago
Don’t Get Me Wrong – The Pretenders
Escapade – Janet Jackson
Just One Look – Linda Ronstadt
Baby I’m-A Want You – Bread
Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
I Want You So Bad – Heart
The One – Elton John

The Break

September 3, 2019 by ssnri in Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

So A and I are abruptly, suddenly over. The clues I received to her fading interest have led to her reactivation of her dating profile while we were still together. She’s now out of my life and maybe for good.

In truth, I didn’t see this as a big surprise. I do feel over-extended from expressing my affection to her and having that go unrequited. I have a lot of words, music and love to give and I hate it when its not appreciated.

Now, I’m twisting in the wind with my feelings snapping this way and that. I did and do still want companionship, but it seems I create bodies wherever I go and torch the gardens. I don’t have any regrets… I did my part to be a caring partner in all the ways I knew how. I tried to love someone who was not capable of reciprocating the way I needed her to.

Now comes he push back to relevance and strength. I have been able to withstand many such calamities and will continue to do so through this trial. I hurt, and I am sad… but I will transition on to an active state where I set goals and meet them.

Mope

August 22, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer, Work

I’m trying not to dwell on my discord and instead focusing my angst on creative projects. I’m dissatisfied with the outcomes in some areas of my life, but very pleased in others.

Professionally, I’m moving forward towards sustainability. I just saw my potential cap on hours increase by a bunch and that means a future of independence is closer than it was before. I know I ave a long way to go, and that circumstances outside of my finances currently dictate my residential status. This is not a point of frustration, it is simply a matter of fact.

I can “make believe” with all sorts of people. Whether family or acquaintances, it matters not. I provide a window of visible me to see through, and little else is revealed. I do this with just about everyone now that I think about it. I hate having to do it when I didn’t originally think I would… this realization of limited capacity is often a frustrating experience.

A and I though are doing good. We are talking extensively, every day. There is mutual interest, plus, she thinks I’m fucking hilarious (which I am). I make good with the funny several times a day. I care deeply about this girl and want to work on building something with her together, in an environment where we can both mutually thrive. She does think I’m strange, but I also have no filter with her so she gets the full treatment.

Now though… she’s out of reach until early next month. In the meantime, I need other people to torment but I find myself increasingly alone in my workplace and there is not usually anyone to pester, torment or even just talk to nicely. I had all these dreams of how things were going to go, and they have been dashed to some degree by the reality I live in. Fantasies is more the term I’m looking for.

I have been working on revising and improving my short stories for the Realm website. I published one of them but still giving the others a look-through. I find that the more often I walk away, then come back fresh, the better my outcomes are for finding redundancies, typos, punctuation issues and phrases/descriptors that need to be modified. This is how my symptoms are being addressed primarily, and I do feel glad to be back on this path.

As soon as I get home, it’s back to writing land.

Bloop

August 20, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

I’m volatile right now, I feel. I can see it in my transactions, in my expressions. I can tell I’m in a perturbed state and taking my frustrations out as cudgels. I’m divided in my angst, but enamoured in potential. Consistency has to prevail somehow, despite all this madness. I’m feeling tippy and that’s not so good. I’m responding poorly, but thankfully, I have a place to vent my thoughts. I have this sanctum to bite on as though it were my pillow. I have real feelings somewhere under here, like pain and sadness that are unresolved and won’t be. I’m trying to accept my environment, circumstance and mistakes with openness.

So yes, volatile. Feeling like I need to get back to my creative writing, which I have been trying to use as a coping tool. I can’t do much but express myself and get these words out of me. I’m glad this process is so effective at dispensing with my negative thoughts and has for more than 6 years. I’ve drenched cyberspace with my rants, outrage and idiocy unceasingly. It has been both satisfying and revolting.

Okay, off to my world to create some killer fiction.

Jerkface In Happytown

August 20, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I am a jerk to some people, a star to others. I’ts amazing how perceptions vary while my demeanor pretty much remains the same. I’m done pining for C’s friendship… I have reached the end of my interest in that area. Sometimes things don’t heal… they just rot in plain sight covered over by a veil of lies and dishonesty. Lack of introspective ability leaves no solutions in sight. Farewell. If you’re fine living in this make-believe world, I am too.

Other than that disappointing outcome, I’m doing fine. I was singing today. Really feeling in love with my partner A. I was crawling all over her yesterday when she came to visit before her long trip to Tennessee. I got all my rub and sniff quotas met prior to her departure, and insisted she roll around in my sheets and get the girl smell happening in there. I should be fine until she gets back, and we talk daily anyway so that really helps us stay connected. I am always trying to heal wounds I create, but this area is a place where a lot of positive energy is flowing out of. I have a future here with her, one that we see together. A shared interest in bringing the paths of our lives into one, where we can both entertain and support each other throughout.

There’s no perfect anything, there is only life. Good and bad, annoying and wonderful, it is what it is. I am confident that I am forging a sustainable path, but we are still pretty early on into this adventure with many miles of road left to walk.

So moral: out with the frustrating, in with the appreciation. I hope A feels my love, and knows how important it is that she be available for me to chew on, and sniff as often as I need.

Promise

August 7, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Insomnia, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

I’m going to use better tools; the process has begun. Creativity, exercise, expression and ventilation are the means to achieving a better path forward. Better than escape, denial and repression.

I’m back to writing again in my fiction world. A story about legacy. Story XII I do believe will be out soon on the Kingdom site.

I dislike my predicament. I’m not sure how to rectify my circumstance given that it is largely out of my control. Whether people come or go. Live or die. Care or hate. Ignore or respond. Deny or acknowledge. Suppress or express.

I have less ambiguity but more rage. The flippancy factor of life & death should not be higher than zero! Ever!

I’m embroiled but working my way through the caustic marsh. I have healthy outlets at my disposal. I do wish I had not pushed away people that could be commiserating with me. My best buddy has been distant and I know he must be going through some shit. It’s a down time all around. I do have my “A,” who has been a shining light in an otherwise dark room. I really laugh with her. Fully. Healthily. Gutturally. There’s realness there that is holding me on a narrow path toward sanity.

I’m going to handle this whole thing with tactfully responsive ineptitude, but inevitably, I’ll emerge covered in shit but alive.

Undo Button

August 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

There’s no undo in life. There is only the pain of errors and the reminders of failure. I have many things I regret, but still try to “do right” with my future actions. I attempt to demonstrate an understanding that I have learned, grown, progressed in some measurable way from the moment of transgression. Still, the inescapable burden of guilt remains.

My vomit-hole aka this blog has served a purpose in that it allows my expression an unfiltered faucet of release. Not right, not wrong, just OUT. Get these thoughts away and let them trouble me no longer! Sadly, my noxious words aren’t cured in my consciousness, only sated for a time. There will be other opportunities to vent and pour out the bile as I wrong others or am wronged.

My real life actions do not resonate with this resentment and anger that get expressed here… rather, they are purged since they had a moment to be free, recognized and detached from the bounds of active thoughts. That’s the basic principle of this place, and the reason I keep the blog going is because it works.

None of this matters though. Regret and pain still haunt me wherever I go. I’ve hurt, fled, and left smouldering ruin in my wake time and time again. I long to vocalize, rationalize, yet turn out to be a terrible person to talk with about the sensitive issues of compatibility, love and the future (or so I judge myself to be).

I sense my current partner grows tired of my pondering the coming circumstantial end of our affiliation, yet, I can’t stop thinking about it. A looming storm that is not yet here while I procrastinate understanding for the immediacy of pleasure. Nothing to be done but watch is it approaches, much like my dad’s death being somewhere on the near horizon.

I’m imploding a little today and not feeling very keen on the prospects of the future. Friends alienated, tiring of the working environment, shared doom of the collapse of the current arrangement where love is transacted. It’s a tough time. Plus, my olive branch to C was ignored and that just reinforces that I’m a fucking idiot.

Blap

July 13, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I’m on the new meds and things are working fine so far. The antipsychotic makes me a bit drowsy in the morning still.

I’m watching Thor Ragnarok which is cute and fun. I wish I had an MCU person to share my enthusiasm with.

Baseball tonight but I’m losing vs Derpy again. Fuck.

I’m thinking about C with sorrow and regret but A with optimism and hope. I wonder what the future stress will hold for me, but I don’t have any idea what is going to happen. Is partnership going to rip me apart or hold me together? Why do I have these dreams where C is haunting me?

I think about both women but in vastly different ways. Permanence vs chaos.

I need a game to play tonight to tune me out of this conflict. This world on fire. Time to burn a village to the ground!

There’s so much I need to learn, and I’m still very much a fool.

Insomnaburger

July 1, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

It may be morning for you, but already “afternoon” for me. I don’t much care for these dramatic alterations of sleep, needless to say. What mentally ill person does?

I find myself short-tempered, irritable, blurry and uncoordinated. It’s a distressing state that maybe is some form of retribution for my imbalanced life. I did imbibe this weekend, but not recklessly so (those days being behind).

I worry about my dad. Is he tumbling down the slope? Am I watching his precipitous decline and not recognizing it? How can I be so embattled and bitter when his life is slipping away? I feel like a bad son… spite pervades with each selfishly-centered transaction I am engaged in with him. It’s hard to be effectual from his standpoint, granted, but he lives in a hole of self-pleasure and hedonism. I have no respect for that, even in death. It is both disturbing and regrettable. Yet, he’s still my only dad and I’m losing time with him as each day passes. I’m stuck in a place between resentment and sadness with the voluminous thunderstorm of tragedy about to come roiling overhead.

My sex-drive has been revved up… as would be expected with the sort of symbiotic pairing I have cultivated. Does this too add to my tippy scales of mood regulation? I think fucking everything tips the scales, it just depends on how all the things coincide. There’s no escaping the affect of variables… there is only compensation, adaptation and neutralization.

So many threads hang down, dangling, reminding me of work undone and damage caused. I regret, even up to no more than a month ago, and I feel unworthy of love… and yet, I do feel it in my heart. Critter and I have been bonding in this way that feels both safe and familiar. How can such a thing be after less than a month? I can’t explain. I have no logic to justify the complexity of my emotional attachment. I am only clear that this connection is real, yet still delicate. I’m not sold on permanence until permanence is validated (which takes time). Nothing worth having is built in a few weeks… only the true accumulation of trust, consistency and knowledge will shine a light on a union built to last.

Things feel good… I know that for certain.

Today is the start of week 14 (of 26). We are more than half way through and shit is pretty tight all across the spectrum. Here’s hoping a couple of recently injured fellas are able to hop back in the saddle do rad cowboy things with some hat waving.

Yesterday’s Flapjacks

June 30, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Baseball, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Family, Fantasy, Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Sports, Hobbies, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Major League Baseball, Mental Health, Mental Illness, MLB, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I keep finding things I regret in my scoring:

.3 per put out is way too much. This makes 1B the most valuable position player in the game

1.25 per batter DPT is too much. Nerfed.

-.6 per K for batters is not harsh enough. Strikeouts are a sin against the Baseball gods.

.75 per IP is not enough. Pitchers don’t compare with position players. Also 1 per APP is not juicy enough either.

These are just some examples. I want balance damnit! No position should be preferable. Just like in my FFL leagues; rosters are based on previewed talent assessments not scoring advantages.

But why batter defensive plays? I do believe they should be rewarded because its incremental accomplishments that plug on both aspects of position player stats. It’s boring to only care when they’re at the plate. However, I needed my numbers to still promote balance despite the events piling up for certain players. So, I diminished some and buffed others.

Batting & Fielding

Runs 0.75

Singles 1.25

Doubles 2.5

Triples 4.5

Home Runs 5

Runs Batted In 1

Stolen Bases 2

Caught Stealing -1.5

Walks 0.5

Strikeouts -1

Put Outs 0.08

Assists 0.12

Errors -3

Outfield Assists 4.25

Double Plays Turned 0.8

Pitching Scoring Categories

Pitching Appearances 2

Outs Recorded ( 1/3 IP) 1

Wins 8

Losses -5

Saves 8

Hits -0.35

Earned Runs -1

Home Runs -2

Walks -0.15

Strikeouts 1

Balks -2

Grounded Into Double Plays 1.5

Holds 4

Pickoffs 4

Blown Saves -6

Still stayed true to my beliefs and edged true offensive achievement over big piles of defensive stats. Now increments break ties and keep my scoreboard popping with green no matter who is on the field. I feel like this configuration sticks in my happy zone.

Welcome to Whammy Slammy Susan III!!

First week saw my landslide victory over hopeless Bangle-Doof. Poor bastard lost by 103. My scoring was an overall nerf compared to WSS2 scoring. I like that.

The standings are a three way tie for first with DerpyDerpDerp leading in points. I climbed up from third to second. This week I get FaceWaster V, which has been bad news for me. His pitchers come through when I’m in the reticle. We shall see if he stays lucky.

—

In other news, I’m doing alright. Dad has been ailing lately. I remain aloof thinking that I have no clue what to expect but aware trajedeybmay be very near. “A,” who I will henceforth refer to as Critter, and I are doing very well. It’s more than three weeks in and things are still clicking. Discovery is happening and we are enjoying our time together. She’s curious about me which I find totally intoxicating.

The sex is unbelievable. I’ve never been more in tune with anyone before. We are dialing in on our comforts, and finding the ways we fit well together. I do light her up, and feel so very appreciated for the way we are together. She does EVERYTHING Blog. Dang yo.

My dreams have been confusing and I know there is some lingering part of me that remains unreconciled post Cheyenne. I don’t know what to do with that. Maybe it’s safe to be a friend now that I’m in a sexual relationship, but maybe because of my past attraction to her that’s not a good idea. I don’t like the way it all happened, but there has only been uneasy silence when it comes to the beat and not the appetizers. I broke it and now I’m trying to super glue it back together. It’s probably a waste of time, but I never like hurting people and just walking away.

I think about the future. Critter and I are thinking about the road ahead. So many more steps to make before logic agrees with emotion. She’s an investment I’m glad to make though. She tolerates my nonsense like a pro. Keeper status earned.

Have a great week Blogomites!

Dread

June 23, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I’m feeling the strain of excessive work, family dynamic disturbances and now some persistent nightmares. There are always positives and negatives in life, and with all these potential stressful things come some good things as well. “A” and I are bonding day by day, and especially under the recent calamities we’ve been forced to respond to. Though, I feel detached from effectiveness… like a distant satellite teetering on an unstable, elliptical orbit. I don’t know what to make of it… but I feel it largely has to do with my insecurities and false perceptions.

I get that things shit gets hard at times. It’s unavoidable that we are made to endure suffering and pain. Our prevailing responses are what dictates how we move forward or handle future calamities. Right?

I’m not feeling much like sharing (in depth) about myself today, however, I realize that not talking things out is the opposite of the model I so diligently preach to others. I can’t expect to do well with my own symptoms if I can’t discuss them in this public forum. I don’t want to analyze it… I just don’t like the way I feel. I’m again starting to scrape for ways to escape reality and all my alternatives prolong my misery (but have not turned back to weed or abusing alcohol).

Right when I thought I was getting on track I start to catch fire and head for impact. That’s what this feels like: Rejection, joy, dismay, confusion, trauma… all bundled together in less than a month. Even with companionship, I’m still feeling like I’m not seen, or that who I am is somehow uninteresting and unappealing. The fallout from “C” still hurts in my heart… even though I was mad and burned that interpersonal bridge myself. I feel cast off (despite being found shortly thereafter) in a way I was blindsided by. I’ve created quite a mess for myself haven’t I?

It’s not anyone fault but my own. I am full of feeling, with nowhere to uncork and be recognized. Everyone sees me through the window that I let them see me through. I’m broken and awaiting trauma on the near horizon. Foreboding clouds are amassing.

Splatty Susan

June 22, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications and tagged Anxiety, Baseball, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Family, Fantasy, Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Sports, Introspection, Life, Love, Major League Baseball, Mental Health, Mental Illness, MLB, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer

I’m about to “secure” a third straight defeat in my FMLB league. More than 100 point margin in this: a fantastic humiliation taking my league rank from first to third. Sigh.

Wholesale roster changes commencing. The injury bug has DECIMATED my team. No other roster has been hampered by injury. None. If anyone has a goat they wouldn’t mind letting me “borrow” so I can make an offering to Jobu please let me know. And for the record: I DID NOT STEAL JOBU’S RUM!!

Alas, a new week begins and another chance to get right. Hopefully.

In the rest of my world I went through some dad drama. He seems like he’s doing the best he can to make his slow decline unabashedly miserable for my mom. I’m not present enough to help ease the burden but I do need to earn a living. I’m torn in this capacity as son and man. I can’t propel independence without betraying my foundation. I resent my dad and his hedonistic way of living out his final days. He doesn’t care who he hurts as long as he gets to feel good all the way to the end. It’s grotesque and selfish.

In my secret life, “A” and I are thriving. I’ve troubled her with my symptoms lately and I feel bad about that, but I’m also a human so it seems unavoidable. She has her own life to sort through. Bullying ex. Distant family. She calls me by my first name.

I sympathize with our current plights but see a stable future out there somewhere, and not too far from here as well. I get scared but remind myself of the steps it took me to get where I am. Nothing worth having is achieved without struggle.

I’ve been having strange dreams that border on nightmares. I’ve also been having astoundingly good sex for the first time in many years. There’s a stability here in this dynamic that I’ve been missing. I’m glad to have it. Ow that shit in my family and beyond has hit the fan. So many variables. My antipsychotic is not cutting it at my current dose. I need to talk to my doctor again. Self care.

I’m going to bite my pillow for a while. Bye.

Nightmares

June 7, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I had a restless night thinking about her. I see a couple of things clearly:

She’s a fool if she didn’t see this coming. I was clear, all along the way, that I wanted something more. Yet, this got treated like a big surprise.

I behaved poorly as the result of rejection. Which has destroyed any type of friendship we may have cultivated.

I’m resentful but not going to act on any of my slighted feelings. It’s better to cast away those responses just like my affection.

Obliviousness is no excuse. I felt like I was the only one who made mistakes when I wasn’t. I never got an apology for being led on. I just got denial that it had taken place or a reinterpretation of what actually happened.

I’m pretty resolved in my disdain. I know I hurt her but there’s no going back. My past was used against me in an evidentiary argument. I felt especially angered by that. It caused me to be wrathful in the end. I abolished all bonds to allow myself to dislike her.

Nothing I hate more than having my honesty used against me as though my here and then are the same. How unbelievably insulting. You really don’t know me but you sure do know how to piss me off.

My nightmares were about escaping a circumstance where there was trauma. I traumatized myself quite a bit, pining for someone not interested in me. Mashing my face against the wall. My confidence and perceptions were wrong every step of the way, but why do you think that was the case? Is it because I’m a big dumb idiot?

Am I such an ignoramus that I just made up all the encouragement to feel what I had inside me? I’m so delusional I made it all up? One thing I didn’t have was patience, because I thought there was mutuality. Why are we patient if we both want this, I thought? Because she was happy enjoying my feelings but not interested in reciprocating. I feel duped, then cast away when things got hard. Argued with instead of sympathized. I extended her that courtesy but still advocated for my own feelings and beliefs.

Here I am ranting again. Maybe after the weekend I’ll be calmer. Good riddance though. I’m glad I didn’t invest more than I did. You’re a liar and not self honest. You’d rather I be blamed so your way out is easier. My heart is broken but that doesn’t matter to you. You just wanted to tell me why I was wrong. Now you can see why I’m not interested in being your friend.

My life is pointed up and I’m moving on. I do feel more like things are settling back to a familiar normalcy. Now that I don’t have you to think about (in the sane way), I can direct my efforts to helping people who will reciprocate my kindness. Maybe there is a girl out there for me who won’t flight my affection and taunt me with my honest revelations. Someone who will see me for who I am and not who I was.

She never saw me. Not who I was becoming. Not the life I was leading. Not my pride and conviction. I don’t know what she saw but it is pointless to wonder. I’m done.

Burned

June 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

The truth is, you’ll do better without me. All my unrequited affection only drove you away. The insistence you have in limiting your potential is silly, but it’s your choice. You don’t yet know that you have power but you do.

There is no more us. You are a thing I couldn’t have and now I’m repulsed by. How things have gone from once so sweet to bitter and rotten. An unexplored potential now never to be. I don’t want you. Not anymore. Not ever.

I’m angry as you can see. I’m not a petty asshole who punishes with power. I’ll always forward your career potential even if I don’t want to invest in a friendship. I doubt I’ll ever see you again though. I’ve done a pretty good job of traumatizing you into isolation. Look at how opposite of the thing I wanted to do happened! Isn’t it amazing? I broke the one person I really felt in harmony with. I ruined her chances at friendship with me and her fear of me will keep her away from my organization from now on. She’s been destroyed by my uncontrolled desire to know. She’s drowned in my bile. Goodbye C. You didn’t deserve what I gave you, but you don’t deserve me either.

Now that you’re gone, I have a chance at clarity. Now that I don’t have to care about you any more, I can proceed with an unbiased perspective. You’ll never see me the sane way, and always revile my behavior. My unwanted attraction. My flamboyance. My effusive expressions. I have hurt you and I know it. I accept it. I own it. I did it so you would go away now that you don’t want me. I banished our friendship because I could not do what I wanted. Is that petty and cruel? FUCK YES IT IS! But it still happened. It’s still my response. It is still the reason why I’ll never see you again.

And you know, maybe this is a lesson for me. Maybe traumatizing people and breaking friendships I can’t explore more deeply is a thing I’ll get better at as time goes on. Think of all the innocent people I’ll destroy and leave stunned in the dark. Oh the future is full of pain Blog. Full of pain that I inflict. Why? Because I can’t have anyone. Because no one wants me. Because no one really means what they say. Because even the way people act is a lie that hides a limitation. She lied. She and do many others. She lied to make it easier on herself to say goodbye. Now I am too.

You did lead me on. You don’t admit your part in this but you had one. You wanted me to play into this situation but didn’t want it to perturb your fragile balance. Your reinterpretation of our sharing stinks of revisionist history. You couldn’t decide what you were comfortable with and now we’re both burned up.

C, you’re a great person who doesn’t have much figured out yet. You had no chemistry for me. You disregarded my affection. You settled for the mediocre to preserve your morality. I hope you enjoy the lot you’ve prescribed yourself. I’ve failed enough times to know you take what you want and get stronger. Truth is, you never really wanted me even though I tried to make you. You should have just said “never.” Then at least I could have stopped caring a long time ago.

I hope you cry. I hope it hurts. I’m roiling. I’m furious at you. I’ll never go back to being your friend. This is the finality I always sought, just the opposite result. I’m bitter. I’m fuming, but not going to take one single action. You won’t come back anyway, I’m sure you’ll never work for me again. Why would you? I’m a fucking prick.

Idiot

June 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

Yes, that is the truth of it. I end up ruining more of what I touch than improving it. This situation of ours is no different. I have dashed the glass against the stones, and all that remains are glittering fragments of a once whole thing.

Truth is that I’ve wounded myself because of my inability to regulate my feelings. This is a talent I’m afraid I’ve never learned. I often effuse, and that is received and draws those to me who are enveloped by it. Such a feeling to be cared for so powerfully, honestly and sometimes overwhelmingly. It comes from a deep and unchecked place of loving that I know not how to cap. I have found this to be advantageous in most every circumstance but this one.

Now that has caused me pain and catalyzed my forsaking of the rarest of the rare. I took the bridge away and left her to drown. I left her no way to cross again.

I still have anger, because I acted on something that seemingly wasn’t true… and conducted myself in a way I may not have if not for that invitation or inclination to do so. Did she want me too in the first place? It looks more and more like I just got it wrong and my volatility has created this new and painful rift that I fear will not be mended. My enterprise of selfishness has deprived my life and profession of a highly-valuable individual. I’m ashamed of that. Deeply regretful of my actions, and now suffering the consequences.

What can I do? I can try to lay the first stone back in the right direction but even that seems like it is fundamentally unwanted. I know nothing. I have no insight… only a cloud that conceals her internal discourse. I inflict pain without knowing why, or without the education to respond effectively.

Here I am after that last post saying I wasn’t going to pine… but blog how can I not? I’ve said it time and time again, I’ve never seen anyone like her. It drives me crazy how much I want her and the infuriation of not being able to have her is tearing me apart from the inside. I feel pain, deep and mournful within my chest… knowing she’s very likely gone. What have I done? She was one of a kind and now she’s gone.

I lost her… even the echo of her. All the beauty I came to appreciate I ripped out because I couldn’t have it all. How unimaginably selfish of me. Who the fuck do I think I am?

I did this to myself and she is the victim of my inability to be an effective human. My ineptitude at regulating my catastrophic tsunami of feelings. I am a fool, and yes, definitely and idiot.

Now I have nothing but the memory of how good I felt with her. A reminder of the infantile responses to things I have which cost me a chance at a better life.

End

June 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged ADD, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

It came to an end today. I laid myself bare to her and was rejected. It’s hard to stay a good friend after being turned down like that. I’m back to just having that professional, impersonal relationship that an employer has with an employee. No doubt I’d like to retain her talent, even if she doesn’t think much of who I am.

Really this is no surprise. I wouldn’t have walked down this way if she hadn’t told me there was attraction to me. I was thinking this would be a good thing to explore, but when I did, she ran. Now I have feelings that aren’t shared. Unacknowledged and unwanted. I feel a tad crushed by that. Misled to some extent, though later she was clear about not wanting to lead me on.

I feel a little better knowing that now its really over. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to be reminded of what I thought I could have that now I absolutely can’t. Never one word was said to me after that first afternoon we shared together where she told me she was attracted. Not one word to give me hope that we could explore each other. I have been turned away by her silence.

Goodbye C. This is probably the last post where I’ll pine for you and bemoan my unrequited affection. Everyone is entitled to their own choices and you made yours.

I just have to move forward.

Squeezed

June 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Pride, Relationships, Sacramento, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I’m very glad I have this online domain where I can come and vent out the radical things I feel or think. I have been using this tool for 7 years and it has never been anything other than the place I go to scream or cheer where no one has to hear me. Venting on real people is a kind of abuse (here, let me vomit on you then you clean it up).

I woke up this morning feeling great! It really did help to expunge a lot of my angst and sadness last night over knowing C was not interested in the immediacy of my emotions. Then again, why should she? Our lives are locked-in at this moment, but I’m no fool, and would never abandon my interest in her as a peer and friend over this disconnect in affection. I did want there to be more, but there’s not, and that’s the finality that I often lack in other endeavors. I was hurt last night because my feelings had to go away, but that’s exactly why I vomit on you, internet Blogomites.

The truth of things is still the same in that my trajectory forward is one I look forward to, and am fully invested in. I feel, this morning, very much alive and aware that great things are headed my way (of my own creation). Look at all the shit there is to be excited about blog! So many more positive things than negative… and I have this feeling in my chest like I’m doing the right thing by my life. I know I’m helping and making a difference. Sometimes all the pieces I hope for don’t fall into place, but that doesn’t mean anything to the greater sum of prospects and goals.

I do feel a lot better this morning. Focused. Confident.

I am thinking of making an album that doesn’t have an external focus, but finding the time to just sit and listen to music seems unlikely this week. Pride is coming up this weekend and that is starting to look like I’m going to hit back-to-back 12 hour days. I’m going to do some self-care today and take care of some stuff in my domain and go into work a bit later. Overall, I’m rebounding from my conversation with C last night. Humbled? Fuck no. Infatuated? Not anymore. Despondent? No sir; there was nothing that was lost in truth, only more things to be gained in the future.

Have a day, hopefully a good one.

After

June 5, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Future, Images, Introspection, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Torpor of ambition,

An atrophy–

The flame of dead sinews,

Fume up the haze of bile.

When does it end?

The outer void of boiling death,

Frozen and gas-ripped flesh–

Breathless words silent,

Glass shattered through the black.

Tired of wanting–

A gasp in a choking cloud,

Flesh melting away while it burns,

Rendered to nothing but ash.

Mirror

June 5, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I am this person who strives to improve. I hope that I can better myself and keep things stable in my life. Despite the environmental variables, I think I have accomplished that.

Yet I grapple with loneliness. Like any other man, I have the desires. I have instinct that seek to bind with trusted partners. Having never met a man who can make me feel the way I hope, I often find myself looking to women.

This is an imbedded behavior that I am trying to overcome. I must realize that there is nothing. There is no one. There is just me. I have to stop thinking I’m going to be somewhere other than on the path I built for myself with my mistakes and choices. It’s kinda depressing, but it also has enabled me to stronger than I’ve ever been in my life.

I see it. The way forward is full of brightness and events. New people will be crossing my path every day. Places and circumstances I never thought possible will be realized. So much has changed in the last year and there’s still quite a bit of work left to do.

I’m proud. My future is as bright as it’s ever been, yet it attracts no one. A level of closeness I’ve never had seems to be a level I’ll still not comprehend. With all the good, and all the steps, I’m sure I must reconcile to walk them alone with no one to share in my adventure.

Circumstance and undesirability kept C away despite the clarity of my feelings. Maybe that is what ultimately causes her to realize she didn’t want it. I’m too much. Too big. Too overflowing. But mostly because no one notices me. No one tries to see me. No one will, I think. Like a well shaken champagne bottle of neglected emotions.

I feel sad that this door is closed.

Yet, I have a life full of good people and adventure. There’s a great sum of work to be done and I’m hoping to get out there and do it. With no one to share it with. With no one who understands me. Just me.

I said have a good night, but what I meant was goodbye.

The Jar

June 5, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

It all goes back in and the stopper on top. The finality of it is reassuring but the future seems emptier than before. A cringe and a retreat is my response. No regret but no more future either.

It helps to not have to hope; reality seems more achievable now. My effusions dispersed and evaporated away. The baggage of wanting removed and only the lasting bond of friendship remains. C and I seem like we won’t be, ever, and even though that is sad, it also helps. No I don’t have to dream anymore. I don’t have to yearn in an unrequited spiral. Now I can continue living my life the way I have been, erring a future built on good mental health.

Done. Back to the routine without the beacon to fill the world with light. Much as I always knew it would be. Much as I deserve. So on we go…

Frugsnated

June 5, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

I have all these feelings Blog. I get excited, involved, intrigued… and more often than not I do so but for the wrong reasons. FOR ONCE, this is the right reason, time, person to be enthused about. C is miraculous, and still growing into the person she is headed towards being. I want to jump on the bandwagon, shower her with affection and help guide her safely to be the anything she desires to be. Yet, I’m still a fucking idiot trying to make a tough/impossible circumstance something other than it is. I’m still hoping against hope she and I will find each other despite the paradigm of pain we reside within. I mean… I know I’m a good fit for her as she is for me, and we’d do right by each other in the long run… but… how?

I want to invest in her but I can’t have her… I have to bottle what I feel for fear of forcing her into an uncomfortable choice. I have to say I’m not wanting her when I am… Its a dynamic I need to ether be relieved of or acknowledged for and neither is happening. I can accept both realities, but without certainty, I’m twisting in the wind and screaming in the miasma of the unknown.

The chance to explore this world is held from me. The opportunity to go further is restricted. The future remains totally unclear, even in terms of the trajectory I had hoped to at least foresee. Now, I have nothing but the aching silence of wordless agony where I begin to compartmentalize my feelings for the sake of not having to be reminded of what will not be.

This is all on me though. It’s her life and her choice what she does with it. I might as well be an asteroid in distant, fragile orbit. I see such hope… a pairing unlike any I had even imagined. A future where I could be with someone who nourishes me, and I her. A path we walk together that makes us stronger, not casts us in our own distinct and isolatory directions. I’ve had my heart broken so many times, but I feel like she would not. She is different… aware and centered in a world of looking out for her mental health as the top priority. What an influence I could be on her as she already is for me. Such promise, yet, unachievable… remote and in a future that is not happening and is not being realized.

Do I want her to chose me? Fuck yes I do! Will she? I don’t know and I have more doubts than assurances.

We only live one time. We only have this chance. I’ve wasted so much of mine… and I continue to scratch for meaning in the void of unrequited recognition. I’ll let her pass right through me fingers if that’s what she wants… and I’ll keep my eyes open into the future where my window of opportunity closes a little more every single day.

Mudge

June 3, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Future, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Pride, Relationships, Sacramento, Self, Society, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer, Work

Things could not be better on the work front!! I was ” promoted” to coordinator of a fantastic program (P2P) and a bump in hours, plus I’m rekindling my efforts on doing some grant writing.

The vision of peer support / case management that I had I’m my mind when I moved here is finally (possibly) coming to fruition. To see the groundwork being laid for a wholly transformative venture is really inspiring. Ultimately, it’s on me to start recruitment and garner the funds we need to execute this plan. I do recognize that there’s a lot of work to do in this area, but very achievable I believe. I’m going to keep getting after it until I have it. I’m determined to succeed and replicate the success of the model that launched my recovery. We have the allies and the platform to be successful, and we absolutely will be.

Slammy Jammy was victorious this week, crushing Derpy into the concrete by 130 points. REVENGE!! This too was gratifying. Boom boom quesadilla.

I’ve got a lot of positives lined up. Good friends, a blooming career, and an upward trajectory which has me poised for advancement beyond anything I have known. This past year has been both joyous and tragic, but always teaching me something.

I’m taking a step back from myself and my haste. All these life changes are inching up from out of the soil; unpacking their aching leaves in search of the sun. I have no expectation of what my future has in store, but one thing I’m sure of is that I’m going somewhere. I built this reality with goal upon goal, and I’ll continue to do so independently for as long as I can. I see no ceiling; I see only sky. However, I imagine that I must be committed to holding myself up alone in order to stay internally strong.

I’m glad to have such cool friends to share this with. I am fortunate in that regard. I know now more than ever what I am (and what I cannot be). I also can relate to their being trauma for me in the future… and pain. I’m building up my circle to help me survive the coming storm, but my greatest strength is who I am right now. I’m so proud of that.

Three words:

Empowered

Reflective

Committed

Slammy and Quesadilla of Shame

May 29, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Firstly, I’m a jerk and an idiot. I should know better than to put C is a tough spot between things of rock-like nature. I’m regretful about my brutish oversharing and I need to reconcile that. I think this has been inconsiderate of me and I have thoughts on how I can demonstrate a healthier pattern. I just get swept away with my emotional spikes sometimes. It’s hard to catch and regulate, but I have.

In Whammy Slammy Susan 2, I’m satisfactorily enjoying a healthy lead after just two days AGAINST the DerpyDerpDerp team that I hate so much. With any luck that holds up and I finally hand that bastard a loss. We shall see.

But seriously brain, we need to focus. There is so much more to life than these moments, than these sensations which should not be allowed to dictate action. Consideration and true understanding are things I need to work on. C is such a rare person… I don’t want to fuck this up because my feelings are calling the shots. Life is a meandering journey and I need to learn not to demand of it but enjoy it for what it is. I still have so much to learn…

I did reach out and apologize. I feel better having done so because I regret my actions and words. I can only learn, adjust and adapt to better fit my new and ever-changing environment.

Discord

May 21, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Sometimes the lion behind the door is there.

Where there is an absence of language, presumption is allowed to rule. Spun realities that ensnare thoughts in sticky webs.

I always forget to not have unrealistic goals. I yearn to believe even when I shouldn’t.

Few Words Of Meaning

April 26, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

It’s the truth that very little of my negative expressions have the weight of intent behind them, but are nevertheless tapping into a deep well of raw feeling. I’m guessing that’s a lot to do with my mental illness, but also to the ease at which I slide to the pole in my own cognitive processes. I think of all the failed moments, the disconnects of understanding… I don’t really wonder anymore why I’m alone, I just know it’s better if it ends up that way. I know I’m nearly intolerable, but in a way, that makes the sliver of those who can grapple with sustainable coexistence all the more special. I know I was as close as I was ever with anything when I loved J. She hates me forever times 8 now, but I’ll never ever forget how she made me feel. It’s all lost… burned up long ago in a pyre of crisping, dead flesh. The past is done, forever unchanging, drawing our attention only as long as we can stand to divert it.

Life forward has been hard, as it is for everyone. We all struggle, but we try not to drown. We don’t want to fail, but sometimes we do anyway. I do the best I can to learn something of benefit, and try to avoid hurting more people even though I end up doing just that sometimes. Does it slap at my sense of self-righteousness? Fuck yes it does. I live with pride, and shame, but neither defines who I am. People today have lost sight of the grey – the unclear fuzzy place between the starkness of polarization. The good, and the bad, living in a neutralized purgatory where both are separate from influencing the other but still hugely relevant. I can see why our view of things in the present moment has become polarized with such prominent examples available of the ease of extremity.

I’m a fool, but also fucking awesome. I do so many good things, and yet, I hurt others. Can we comprehend this contrast without totally imploding or blasting ourselves to thousands of pieces? Doubtful, but hopeful.

The Death Of Night Guy & Other Changes (Mood Album)

April 25, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Music, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Admittedly, Night Guy was a response to a changing circumstance and search for companionship outside of the traditional paradigm. While he was a fun and exciting fellow, he was not sustainable. I have sen now that some contortion is good, but too much compromises integrity.

This album centers its themes on the insanity, bizarre and inexplicably unique way I manifest my persona in this otherwise tranquil world. The motifs include hasty sex, strange comparisons, odd quirks, depression, fanaticism and balance (eventually).

I feel like this very-closely parallels my current mood and temperament. Have at with the exposition!

Mood Album: Spunk-Rocket Poof Station
Length: 75 minutes

Gemini Dream – The Moody Blues
Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
Wild Sex (In The Working Class)
Something About You – Boston
Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
Whiskey In The Jar – Metallica
Spiderwebs – No Doubt
Listen Like Thieves – INXS
Cold As Ice – Foreigner
Living Dead Girl – Rob Zombie
Asleep The Snow Came Flying – Tim Story
Broken Wings – Mr. Mister
Turn To Stone – Electric Light Orchestra
Harden My Heart – Quatrerflash
Praying For Time – George Michael
In Between Days – The Cure
South City Midnight Lady – The Doobie Brothers
Back On The Chain Gang – The Pretenders

Disregard Them

April 7, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

It’s clear I’ve been grappling with my self-created frustrating circumstances over the last few days. I’ve also tried to reconcile what I think I’m looking for out there in the world. I came up well short asking too much of A and not able to see the limitations of S through the veil of sex. That’s my fault, and the hurt on both sides is real.

As I do with most life-obstacles, I grow and change in order to survive new circumstances. I have shackled myself to burdensome people in the past and continued to do so until, well, now. I’m grasping for meaning in a place where there isn’t any to be had. It’s a shame I wasted my time in this way, but I’ve also learned a bit about my “wants” when it comes to friendships and beyond.

I need to thicken up my skin, since my lifetime of rejection and dismissal seems headed in the same disappointing direction it always has. I’ve shed my concern for those who don’t fit into my life. Disregard is all I have left. I feel no shame. This is my life last time I checked, and I’m not wasting any more of it investing resources where there is no value in doing so. Nothing I hate more than being unappreciated for the person I am while pouring unrequited, liquid praise on those in my circle.

So enough is enough. No more scratching around the junk pile for the scraps of a structure long demolished. No more reckless attachment to inadequate figures regardless of physical urges. The future must have someone of genuine, undeniable value to be worth pursuing. I’ve said also that I’m only interested in going it alone in my reality, and that’s still true, pretty much. I’m not making any extraordinary effort to find someone, because I really don’t need anyone. I’m consistently doing better mentally when no one else is involved.

Confidence has always been here, it just got smothered by disappointment. Trying and failing can be tough, but even now, my introspective processes are on-point and rational. I can’t say the same for A or S. I’m angry still at them. I feel like I had so much to give, yet, I get tossed aside like a soggy jizz rag. No more I say!

Well…

April 5, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

Okay, so I’m pretty angry that my social experiment has totally failed. What was I thinking, strangers don’t get me, past acquaintances still don’t care about me, yet, this was the place I looked to in order to rekindle my connections with people? I put my faith in people who have disappointed me numerous times in the past and total strangers who know nothing about me at all?

I’m an idiot, period. Ima fry because I’m stupid. I’m alone because I invest in projects that I should leave on the junk pile. I need no one but myself.

Yet, I felt the need to appease my aching loneliness with a remedy destined to disappoint and aggravate. S was a sallow and dimensionless simpleton. A has been a disappointment in all capacities since I got with her. WHAT THE FUCK AMI DOING?!?!?

Laugh all you want. I deserve that. My pain and suffering can be your amusement because it’s deserved. I earned this anger and humiliation. I blame no one but myself. Hopefully I contracted HIV and will die soon.

I’ve never cared about how people read me. If you come here thinking some valuable content is going to be dispersed think again. I’m the biggest fucking idiot I’ve ever heard of, and I have not ceased to amaze myself with my own stupidity and foolishness. Go ahead and get a good laugh you troglodytes. Fuck you all. You never did a fucking thing for me despite my pouring my soul out here night after night.

I’m losing my mind. I’m really fucking going insane right now. I hate this. I hate every moment that no one gives a fried shit about me. No one will, ever. I’m alone. I have been scraping the scum to find someone who will care about me, but even I don’t. I wish I were dead.

Reset Button

April 5, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

It’s the end of the week, but just the beginning in a lot of ways. I keep learning and failure is my teacher.

I need to find better ways to cope with my sadness and loneliness. There’s no external that can mend the internal.

I’m disappearing into routine. There has been too much pain in my heart. Am I done providing a catalyst to destructive situations? Why look where there is nothing to find?

Alone is best.

Eject?

April 4, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Life, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

I feel a little better than I did last night, but it’s clear things in my local environment are falling apart. The implosion has been underway for some time with no change, as I stated earlier. I can only control myself, and the outcomes I am directly responsible for. I can choose what to do with my time, where to invest it and how to be effective in my limited capacity. Some words to describe my reality would be: oblivious, dysfunctional, malignant and frustrating. Do you see why someone who is geared towards helping people would be acutely frustrated by people who are totally unwilling to partake in progress? Or even in denial about how they think they are helping when it is just more of the same bullshit?

My social world is dwindling down to a tiny number of relevant people with only the premature seeds of potential still un-watered in the soil. I’m going to stick with what I know is working and just play the rest as it comes. No more reaching out, no more looking for external answers. All the truth I need is already within.

I guess this is true of all the aspects of my life. I am always open to change when it comes, and ready to face new challenges. Even in the flickering spark of possibility there is hope, though it can be utterly extinguished over and over again. I’m not checking out, but I am withdrawing my limbs and sheltering in place until something “real” happens. There are consequences to bad behavior, just like kids learn. You can’t get away with being damaging or acutely oblivious without incurring some consequence. Now is the time for consequences.

Unchanging

April 3, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Family, Loss, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Society, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

I don’t know why, but I always seem to hope for unrealistic things. For example: I hope that people in my world would stop and change their destructive behaviors and instead nothing changes. I hope that self-honest introspection would be seen as an aspiration, but still nothing changes. I’m mired in frustration; perplexed by a world of decay and stagnation while I try to emerge. I think I’ve finally snapped.

I’m not in psychosis, but I’m just done with the people that erode my healthy behaviors and perpetuate dysfunction. I’m tired of shallow and meaningless exchanges that build a nothing road to nowhere. Why am I wasting my time, skills and love on people who don’t recognize what I have to offer? I’m such a special person, and yet, I subject myself to a reality that will never comprehend all that I am.

This is my frustration. It is massive, unrecognized and undesired. I have very few people in my world that really matter or make a difference. My home is a wasteland. My social circle has chunks missing from it. My redemption is the hard work I put in to help people advance their lives towards prosperity, dignity and stability. That’s no joke. I really do help people, every day. Meanwhile I’m surrounded by resentment, disdain, denial and escapism. My role models are the worst people I know.

So Blog, I’m detaching. Fuck all that noise. I’m launching into independence of self if not of physical location. Soon enough I will be subject to a calamitous and changing circumstance, but the torture involved is unrelenting while totally unappreciated. I’m frustrated beyond calculation.

I tried to expand the bubble and I shouldn’t have. The world is just jam packed with idiots, mindless wanderers and deplorables waiting to poison my reality. Are you ever just sickened by the life you lead? Do you ever wish you could permanently exit? I think about it now. I didn’t used to, but now I do. This life is frustrating because all the parts that need to change are completely unchanging. Stuck in dysfunction. Sinking into the stagnation in a painfully slow fashion.

I do wish I wasn’t here anymore. Nobody sees me. Nobody is even slightly capable beyond a slim margin of well-traveled veterans of my bubble. Do you know how desolate it feels to know we’re all just faking real life? Every day is a pretend version of actuality. Every interaction is make believe. I humor my way through, but why? They don’t see me now, what difference would it make if I were dead? I’d still be just as ineffectual and easy to disregard.

I feel acutely hopeless. Lost. I don’t know how long I can tolerate this rancid rot that fills my nostrils. Denial. Revulsion. Despair. Goodnight.

Lessons

April 2, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

Well I did learn that distant relationships with fleeting intimacy don’t work for me. It’s just not fair to S in the end though. I did just abruptly leave after waffling in uncertainty about the irritating nature of our arrangement. It’s my fault for not at least explaining anything. It’s just not possible for me to healthily have that kind of relationship with someone. I snapped off. Blacklisted. Gone. Back to the cell with my broken toys. I am catalyzing. The reagents for my departure were well in place and only suffered my ignition. This is my fault though. She definitely could handle it while I could not at all. She’s right to be angry, but it will fade when her world moves on and I become irrelevant. Or, more irrelevant than I was before. I was already little more than an afterthought, which is not much to lose at all.

Lametown

April 2, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Well my escapade with S has cratered into the fertile soil of regret. Not that it was unexpected, but I was hoping for some semblance of closeness and got nothing of the sort (either physical or mental) Isolation pervades, and I grow increasingly alone on my island. This is typical, since most encounters I have attempted in the past end in revulsion, rejection and outright dismissal. This time though, I was just acting on the flammable material that was prepped and ready to be set ablaze. S has no real interest in me (or anything going on in my life) and I in her (arguable, I was denied access to her life in full), so it was natural that once the sex was gone there was zero left to hold us together. She was upset at me for walking away again (because I tried once already), but I need to say goodbye.

Realistically, I’m giving up on trying to build this bridge and evict myself from my unwanted isolation. There isn’t anyone who fits the criteria that I keep hoping someone will meet. This is a hopeless procedure and, frankly, I was doing much better without trying to make something happen. I am tired of smashing inadequate results into a lasting mold that fits my bizarre reality. There is no future where settling for whatever wanders past is the right choice, and it never has been. Not saying that happened, but all the applications for building something of value have been turned down upon review.

I don’t harbor anything more than a feeling of sadness, since I am shining brighter than I ever have. Yet, most women I meet can’t wait to escape my radius. I think it’s back to reason and the incremental successes of life. A and I are as far apart as we ever were in our past relationship… with no real gratification, feedback or anything to judge the ongoing value of continuation. What is this simple chat we have? Is it anything other than an activity to occupy a few moments of my time? Is there meaning to be had in these defused and innocuous statements? I tire. I think this might also be a product of my frustration and not indicative of the pattern. I feel no less alone like I hoped I would, or like I did at first. I quickly discovered just because you have people to talk to, doesn’t actually mean anyone really sees/hears you. Or cares.

Profile removed. Chapter adjourned. Now just to clear out the jetsam that has accumulated and start over again by myself. Disappointing? Oh hell yes. Crippling? No, not at all. I have done what my instincts were asking me to do. I tried, I had, I lost. It seems like the road to partnership has been overrun with brambles and foul smelling carcasses galore. I have little reason to go back there until long after the stench of decay has cleared out.

1:44 In The Spotlight

April 1, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Nightmares, Pride, Relationships, Sacramento, Self, Society, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer, Work

Made it to Capital Public Radio news, 90.9 fm.

NPR – Capital Public Radio PSS Article

March 29, 2019 by ssnri in Article, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Nightmares, Relationships, Sacramento, Self, Society, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer, Work

Here I am with my first interview for a media outlet!

http://www.capradio.org/articles/2019/03/28/peer-mental-health-workers-could-become-state-certified-under-proposed-california-law/

Night Guy Does A Mood Album

March 25, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Music, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

Hey Blog, Night Guy here.

This other guy is a kook pretty much now that I’m going over all these notes and things left behind. Anyway, this music medium is how the previous administration tried to convey or interpret a state of being or emotional narrative for processing and comprehension. I’m not as much in to all the fluffy shit that goes along with this activity, but I guess I can scrutinize what has already been made available for me to cast judgement upon. See this album as a prognosis for the former occupant, and an indicator of the turbulent future he carved out for himself. This album is, basically, how it is; sad, stark and laid out there for all to see. Please don’t send me mail about the deeds of the prior administration, it will all get forwarded to the daytime guy.. or whoever he was. He may have fled the country.

**UPDATED**

So after listing to it a couple of times, it just wasn’t Night Guyish enough. I spruced this bad boy up with some silly putty and electric shocks. Enjoy!

Mood Album: Emo-Slave Resurrection v. 2 (Night Guy Edition)

Length: 77 Minutes

For Your Love – Fleetwood Mac
More Than A Woman – Bee Gees
Chains Of Love – Erasure
Ventura Highway – America
Rikki Don’t Lose That Number – Steely Dan
The Other Side Of Life – The Moody Blues
Don’t You Know What The Night Can Do? – Steve Winwood
Feels So Good – Chuck Mangione
The Night Owls – Little River Band
You Don’t Have To Cry – Crosby, Stills & Nash
Owner Of A Lonely Heart – Yes
The Heart Of The Matter – Don Henley
Cowboys & Angels – George Michael
Nothingman – Pearl Jam
Because The Night – 10,000 Maniacs
Conviction Of The Heart – Kenny Loggins

Shoe On

March 17, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Society, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I haven’t written in a while, clearly. Things in my world have become increasingly busy and I find less and less that this blog is the coping tool I use. I’ve been abusing substances instead, and trying to detach from reality. I know this is a negative thing, and I’ve already started correcting some of those undesirable tendencies. It’s a gradual process reflecting my patience to allow it to become the firmament upon which all is built.

I’ve been doing better though. I have been spending time with new friends and old friends. S and I are still talking, albeit infrequently. S has a lot going on like I do, but is sometimes requiring some unpacking or dissembling. I decided to reach out to my ex, A, and try to rebuild a bridge I had destroyed in the past in my enthusiasm for more friends. Talking with A has also been going pretty good. The things that are possible once my skewed approach to friend-girls was corrected are quite surprising. my sexual motor is grinding to a greaseless stall. I feel markedly less alone talking to W, S and A. No need to worry about the future: only that right here, right now, I have good people to talk to again. I missed having friends. This new aspect of my world has been nourishing me greatly. I won’t deny my feelings, but all have been situated in the fondness of friendship; a healthy emotional state I’d like to cultivate, not suppress.

Life at home is still turbulent. I don’t know how much positive impact I have anymore, if there is any at all. I feel useless and disregarded as an experienced peer with above average communication skills. I just can’t figure out a good way to coexist in this dynamic. It’s frustrating but still reality all the same.

I’m on a positive track right now. I sure hope I can keep it up! Talk to you later Blogomites!

Mood Album v. 3

March 14, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Music, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

In light of recent turbulence in my world, I’ve tried keeping a better feel on the introspective pulse of regular function. I’m also aware that I’m subjecting myself to an unusually high level of stress and stimuli in an effort to combat creeping depression. I see all the elements like a confluence of rivers forming a mighty torrent… somehow sweeping my brain away downstream or buried in silt. Nevertheless, I still pry open the inner vault of the self and try to understand things happening to and from it. I feel I’m better at some things I used to be terrible at, but still lacking in quite a few areas. What are my true motivations for my actions? Why do I open myself to every nice person that walks by? Why am I such an insatiable prick? What does being understood feel like?

I sit here in my snowman jammies and wonder if expression really helps, or if it just provides a forum for things to garner attention for a time? I think the more ways I can ventilate this shit-smelling barn the better. Activities like the Mood Albums I do are helpful because they give me the chance to craft a narrative in a medium not often used. I don’t think myself anything other than expressive, curious and expositional about my own feelings and path forward. So as of the last album when I was feeling a fair bit gooier than I am now, I needed to revisit my good friend pain, loneliness and rekindle an ongoing desire to see things change.

Tracks from the previous Mood Album: Spatulas & Bandaids are highlighted in yellow. I have pulled from other wishy-washy type albums as well that have been generated in the past. I didn’t go “all in” on the squish, mind you, but it’s there. As you can see, there has been some pretty severe turnover in the track-list. I have listed the previous two iterations below so the whole three-album progression can be seen clear.

Mood Album (v. 3): Splattercake Conjunctivitis

Length: 74 minutes

Mad World – Tears for Fears
If This Is It – Huey Lewis & The News
Walking On Broken Glass – Annie Lennox
Don’t Do Me Like That – Tom Petty & The Heartbrakers
Pamela – Toto
Walk Away – Joe Walsh
I Wouldn’t Want To Be Like You – The Alan Parsons Project
The Voice – The Moody Blues
Move On – George Michael
Back In Black – AC/DC
Falling Away From Me – Korn
(SIC) – Slipknot
Waves – Blondfire
Straight To My Heart – Sting
All Over You – Live
Let’s Go
Don’t Get Me Wrong – The Pretenders
More Than Words – Extreme

Mood Album (v. 2): Spatulas & Bandaids

Length: 73 minutes

Mad World – Tears For Fears
Once – Pearl Jam
Animal – Def Leppard
All Over You – Live
In Thee – Blue Öyster Cult
No One Like You – Scorpions
Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra
The Voice – The Moody Blues
One Thing Leads To Another – The Fixx
Heartbeat CIty – The Cars
Fragile – Sting
Help Is On Its Way – Little River Band
Don’t Get Me Wrong – The Pretenders
The Promise – When In Rome
Best Of My Love – Eagles
Baby, Come To Me – Patti Austin & James Ingram
King Of Pain – The Police
Move On – George Michael

Mood Album (v. 1): Deflatacated Marshmallow

Length: 77 Minutes

Fastlove – Gerorge Michael
Beds Are Burning – Midnight Oil
Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra
Once – Pearl Jam
Animal – Def Leppard
All Over You – Live
Heartbeat City – The Cars
Broken Wings – Mr. Mister
Fragile – Sting
Don’t Get Me Wrong – The Pretenders
The Promise – When In Rome
Because The Night – 10,000 Maniacs
Somebody To Love – Queen
Feels So Good – Chuck Mangione
Baby, Come To Me – Patti Austin & James Ingram
What You Won’t Do For Love – Bobby Caldwell
Harden My Heart – Quarterflash
King Of Pain – The Police

Trials Ended

February 21, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma | 2 Comments

I’ve come to a determination that I’m still going to be alone. I do not fit with others. I have not found someone able to tolerate me as is. I think this is, again, a stopping point.

I’m going no further thinking my abrasive and inconsistent personality will fit with others. I do not see a future where I am understood. I see no one who can relate to me on the level I am at. Maybe I’m too deranged to be fully comprehended. Perhaps that discontinuity is for a good reason; to prevent future traumas.

You all have seen me flailing about. You watch and probably don’t care one fucking bit. I don’t blame you. I’m no one of relevance to you. The last time someone came out of your ranks my life exploded, then imploded. Never again. I say that, yet I yearn for her still.

Is there any hope of tranquility? I suppose a state of total abstinence and solidarity seems the only path left to me. I scorn those who try to care. I rebuke those who don’t fit. I struggle alone in endless solitude. Not a single fucking one of you cares. This is an empty vessel constantly filled with dispersing noises, fading echoes and then nothing.

Reasons

February 20, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Insomnia, Introspection, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Self, Society, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I know what symptoms feel like when they are neurochemical in origin. When my brain is not properly functioning, the world is made of cardboard and the mask I wear stinks from overuse and weighs heavily on my face. There is cause, logically, based on my life circumstances, to have these feelings… but no trigger started the deterioration that has led to now. In this moment, I am acutely depressed.

Fortunately for me, I’ve been here before. I’ve had days like this, sometimes several in a row. My caution in this instance is warranted, but my impulsive overreactions are unwelcome. I’ve been down in the past, but then I rise up in time. The air on the climbing slope is cleaner; free if the choking miasma if sorrow. I wish I were there now, above the cloud tops…

I struggle on in this tasteless, lifeless portrayal of reality that I find myself temporarily confined to. Sometimes there is no mental jailbreak to escape it. I’m in solitary, and unclear about how long that will last, or how long it has been since I’ve seen anything other than four white walls. I face the continued tick tick of measured time with the stamina of a veteran, and the frailty of a neglected child.

Notes

February 11, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Self, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I feel like I’m on the verge of launching, but I don’t know when or to where.

#12: We will never give up hope.

The fog is starting to clear a bit… and that is refreshing.

I’m finding my footing despite a deep and painful life-transition — this is something I’m proud of considering my past struggles.

I’m pretty awesome, and people are letting me know.

See you later.

Groups

February 10, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Family, Insomnia, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Pride, Sacramento, Self, Society, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma, Volunteer, Work

Why is it that these groups help? There’s no treatment being rendered, no prescriptions or policies to follow. How can sharing be so effective? I think it has a lot to do with repressed versus expressed feelings and the cathartic act involved in unleashing things that few others get to see.

I don’t feel particularly rejuvenated, but I do feel like I was heard, which is a profound thing. I expressed my hurt over my dad, my poor coping skills stemming from that. I got a lot of genuine reaction from people who understand the why and the what of dealing with mental health symptoms. It is a blessing to have this support and be able to be exposed by it. I just wish I could have a similar feeling from a caring partner.

I saw people fighting the symptoms and thoughts of mental illness in their lives and surviving. People facing their demons and vocalizing. I’m still kinda running from mine, but I won’t forever, yet there was so much in the group dynamic I benefitted from. I will be resolute in healthily coping, but reaching that state is the struggle I face. For now though, my ecliptic is only a place I hang laundry from and the so-called cushions of my chair are pancaked into squishless plates of unfortunate size that tweak my posture and provide no relief. There are surely better habits out there waiting to be implemented.

All the lonely was scraped off like so much obscuring ice on the car windshield of my destiny. I still have only a small sniff of things that may come, but for the time being, there is an ache which continues unabated, unrequited and unmistakable. Is there someone out there? There are people that I help and those that help me. I tend to think a balance of both is the surest path towards positivity.

Yearning In Stupidity

February 7, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Trauma

I search their names online. I don’t know what I’m hoping to find. Do I expect they don’t hate me? That they somehow have changed? Do all these years help us see something new?

No. It is only pain. There is nothing there but the dead space where something once thrived. If I yearn, I do so foolishly. I hope that the feeling of that love would come back and be strong again. Nothing like that is real. Ever.

I scour for some sight of her. Of them. They just go on living their lives and I might as well be nothing at all. I left no mark. I inspire no second thought. I am a wasted human devoid of value in the scales of companionship.

Of all those I have loved, none wanted to keep me. They tolerated me for a time. Then, no more. I hurt them. Drove them away with my illness. Contaminated myself beyond desire. No bridges can span the gorge.

If J was still out there I’d love her with that fire in me that will NEVER go out. If K had a way to see me, I’d try to fall for her, and if E wasn’t lost in a fool’s dream I’d rekindle the passion we once had.

WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING??????

My dreams are utter bullshit. Just another stupid fucking idea my infected, dysfunctional brain came up with to alleviate the unquenchable loneliness. There is no phoenix; nothing will ever rise from the ashes I created. It is gone. Forever. I can’t bear it. It hurts so badly. I’m crushed under it. Decimated. Defenseless. Lost.

Wishlist

February 7, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged Depression, Emotions, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Trauma

I wish I still had you in my world,

I wish you were someone just a little different than who you actually are,

I wish your companionship was real; I wish my feelings for you would last,

I wish your comfort was physical,

I wish your intentions had been more indicative of your actions,

I wish I wasn’t feeling so very lonely,

I wish I wasn’t such an impossible fucktard,

I wish I didn’t have a lifelong STD,

I wish I didn’t have Bipolar Disorder,

I wish someone would really see me,

I wish for things that will never be real,

I still wish I still had you,

I wish someone cared,

I wish I could love someone with all my heart,

I wish for a time when love helps me feel safe,

I often wish for things that dash hope and reinforce the unforgiving nature of reality.

Spoof

February 7, 2019 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Trauma

Abolished is the old way,

Construed with figgery,

Ensnarled in pain and disjointing–

Painful reconciliations.

Prospects dwindling,

A neglected campfire–

Subsumed in choking ash.

Daylight a figment.

Implosion being the course.

Alone in the black,

Of forgetting.

Pointed

February 7, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

I’m doing a bit better… having an immersive distraction greatly assists in my not thinking about things. I am sad though, and feeling alone in the way that someone feels when they have no one walking the path with them. The pattern has been “oh lets try to fix that” or “no, you are loved, you have no reason to feel that way” or “I don’t know what to do about that.”

Isn’t that the exact opposite of what I need to hear, and how I’d like to be treated? I’m not a lamp with a burned out bulb; I do not need to be fixed. I am not asking for a cure to loneliness, only to be heard while feeling it. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO, other than respect my feelings and provide a sense of understanding and empathy. I just hate how nearly every single person in my orbit things my feelings need to be fixed, and I, in turn, never really get heard.

I’ve stopped sharing with them, as a result. I get nothing of use from divulging my emotional state. Instead, I’m buttoned up like a tuxedo jacket and putting on a presentable face for you all to see. Isn’t it shiny, composed and reassuring? If I really told you what was going on you’d fall into a state of useless co-despair… which again, provides me with nothing of substance.

This world is all full up on people who don’t care, or don’t want to care since it is a great deal of work. I feel more alone now than ever before… as I learn new skills, more and more people fall away from me, not able to understand how I am evolving my mentality to survive.

Now, in this impenetrable state of solitude, I have all but abandoned the hope of being understood, and am going to fake my way through my interactions in order to be left unmolested by those who have not and will not understand me.

Unchanged

February 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

Not a lot is different than just a bit ago. I ran a Support Group tonight. It was hard to stay on top of my shit. I did though, and it was really good for me to not have been off pooping my brain-pants somewhere alone. I’m still very wounded, having to let go of K again and returning the things I bought for her birthday. It just reminds me how unrelentingly horrible and abrasive I am to everyone not obligated to put up with me. Regardless of incentives, my repulsion is overwhelming.

I keep looking, but I’m despondent. There is no one. There was only “close,” and now, nothing at all. Scaring away potential partners is something I’m just so fucking good at. I’m, like, nationally ranked at that shit.

Well, fuck. I’m tired, sad, dejected and in a big hole right before bed. I imagine I will again dream of things that torture me as they have of late. I have no one to hold me after a nightmare. I have exactly what I deserve. Rejection. Disgust. Solitude.

Shmatters

February 6, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Feeling broken into many pieces right now. I don’t feel like I have any wind in my sails… no drive to move me forward. I am alone, trapped in a barren waste devoid of shelter from the cold. Each new step forward rings with an ache; a slow decay of the bone, the flesh itself begins to wither rot and disappear. The full space of my heart is opened like a tomb, fresh with the foul stink of confined death. It feels like the sun isn’t shining, or, that I have forgotten how it feels to be warm. I gape at the disparity of days, and wonder if more pain lies in wait for me in the days ahead. I know that it does, and I already am prepared to continue to suffer. My own sorcery confines me, where once it was used to set me free.

Crashy ‘Splode… Poof!

February 4, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma, Work

I haven’t felt like writing. Real life has been volatile to the point of occupying my attention fully. K was back for a bit but now gone again. She’s not the right fit for my life, which is now abundantly clear. Dad is still slowly dying; withering away as I watch helplessly. Mom lost her mind with stress and grief a few days back, which poisoned the world for a time. Am I dealing with this? Have I become depersonalized from my perception of reality? What hope is there of consistency when all the variables are fluctuating?

I have only what skills and strategies I’ve learned in order to survive this life in varying states of decomposition and growth. There’s no making sense of it; I’ve given up on that. Now, I hang on for scrapes and fingernails.

Check

January 25, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Sad and missing K. To have all that energy just ripped away, leaving a vacancy. I wish I could still have her, but I am a confounding and undesirable person as evidenced by the actions of others. I’m hurt, and I yearn. Goodbye is what we said, but not what I wanted.

Shattered Mirrors

January 24, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

My light is out with hands take the shard

Spinning in a desolate hole of alone

Bent upon the regret of actions

Despair of wanting like a bitter stain

Profusely ignored in a place where things are forgotten

No light finds me here

All who come eventually go away

Do I still convince myself it’s not true

To believe the facts is to accept isolation from acceptance

Tonight I miss everything I had

Alone and without

In the center of no one’s concern anymore

Empty

January 24, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

There is a place that is again, found missing. It grew and then it died. How badly it aches within me, pulsing with regret and sadness. How it is to be left behind, not advanced into a brighter future. By my own admission, I am deserving of this state. I feel the sorrow, blog. I hurt now, and I will for some time. How I yearn, and how I will scream into the silence. I wish she was still mine, even though she is not. Goodbye to those days when I felt the breath of affection burning my lantern brighter still. Into the darkness I fall, at least for now, to lament what is gone and be present with my sorrow. I never wish to dream again.

Slipping Away / Walking Uphill

January 24, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

I had companionship for a time, but now I am back on my own again. I have been through this before, the tumult of understanding and the gauntlet of truth are punishing arenas in my reality. It is the simple fact of the person I am that has created this division and now removal. I had long ago accepted I would be alone for the rest of my life, and I did appease my sense of unrelenting loneliness by attempting companionship, at least temporarily. Now that my life has gone back to the place it had been at a few months ago, I don’t know how to feel precisely. Am I upset? Not really, but sad, yes. Do I regret? Naturally there are things I can find to blame myself for. Everyone, especially a blundering emotion-tornado such as myself makes mistakes. There are things I know I am and things I try to be, and right now there is a confluence of reasons for why things are now over between she and I. The fact of the matter is simple, and remains.

No one asks for more work in their life or readily accepts trouble into their world. I know I am a great deal of “work,” and trouble in one bundle… there’s just no avoiding that. I do the best I can but here is another example of how that failed. It hurts, very much to lose her, especially after I had developed a fondness, and after we had such wonderful dreams together. Stigma is a wall that can’t often be overtopped, or burrowed under… or even explained away with words. It is damaging, and breaks reason apart with animosity.

Well here we are blog, back to square 1. I am all done trying to find partnership for now. There is no world I see where I find someone who will take on the impossible task of accepting me as I am, and not wishing I could be somebody I never will be. My lesson in all this has been to observe my actions, and decide where to take a next step forward. If anything, I have learned that I am all alone out here (still), and that’s the truth I must stop trying to alleviate. I am my own confidant and guardian, and no one should wrest that from me in the years to come.

Goodbye K. Beautiful, complex, generous woman, you touched my life and lit it up, for a time. You gave me hope, and then dashed it. I know why you did, and I will mourn for us both.

Daddo

January 16, 2019 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Family, Future, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Thoughts, Trauma

My dad has a limited time left with us, and I’m coming to terms with his upcoming death. I see only one path forward; to be there as needed until the end. I’m his son.

I feel everything one would expect me to feel, but I’m not expressing any of it right now. I’ve made the space in our reality for my mom and sister to experience things while I direct reason and action; providing stability. This role I fill helps us endure the hard times to come, but also works healthily for me since nothing gets repressed. The postponement of response is a promise, not a lock on a safe.

I know my time to process is coming, but right now I accept and embrace the role I have filled in this family unit. I am proud to be a member of it, and fighting to keep us from listing.

Will it work? There’s no telling. I have a good support structure in W and K. I need to be able to use my own tools in a crisis rather than always go looking for the answer outside of myself. I must survive with what I have if I am to survive at all.

Pillar Talk

December 27, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

There is no better place to test one’s coping toolkit than in a crisis. Conveniently, I happen to be in one of the familial variety, which as indicated by previous posts, is an ongoing, developing and mutating issue. I’m near to this unfurling destructive situation, with no hope of achieving the proximity of safety due to the bonds of conscience. The variables causing the conflict are also unstoppable in their perspective; aligning them to a path that only leads to a continuation of trauma while the gap between the energies seems destined for concussive retaliation.

I’ve been surviving in this environment by figuring out what expectations I need to have rather than wish I had, and living wisely within my means. I know I’m only going to be able to relate to them on a limited set of issues, and the window they see me through is made smaller by my accommodation rather than personal obstinance. I’ve learned where I need to have my own strength, because depending on an external source is much less stable. My parents don’t know any other way: mom can’t be strong on her own as she’s dependent on him for her consistency, stability, assurance of survival… she has no mutual or self-imposed logic, discipline or interest in a healthy conversation aimed at a resolution.

It’s sad to have to “defend” oneself against loved ones, but I have a history of instigating and now enduring situations of high emotional volatility. I have a talent for knowing when I am in a sound moral position (promoting radiant strength) having not been so on many regrettable occasions. It is sad to see the deterioration of more than just their physical selves; the very fabric of what used to make them strong has been torn and continues to unravel as they insist on stretching without strengthening it. The result is that I end up being alone and introspective for my own benefit, knowing the details of my process might as well be Japanese to them.

Acceptance of things that will not change has been hugely instrumental in helping me focus my energy on things that I can have some sway over. My priorities are healthier, my expectations (if any) are realistic and I am keenly aware of my own interpersonal mechanics as I improve in handling stress and conflict within myself.

I still see myself, as a 15 – 17 year old man, effusing, erupting, devastating my environment with my uncontrolled emotional irregularities. I used to get so full of rage, and I would cast it out to everyone in my proximity, unfiltered, unregulated, uncontrolled. The long-term repercussions of that become clear, along with the burden of inflicted catastrophe on the clean white sheet of morality. I got tired of that way, the turmoil, the imbalance.

The reach of my gravity is minuscule in this place, like Io at aphelion, hoping it’s going to move Jupiter closer to it with a good yank. However, it’s always just going to be a tiny little blip in the orbit of something much too large to be influenced. Sometimes, it’s best to just let gravity take you around and worry about having a clear path to do so.

I don’t have the best coping tools either, mind you. I’m drinking a little more, smoking a little more, just slightly disconnecting myself from this place. It’s agony when the air is full of hate like this, and I’m trapped in here most of the time, too fearful of the environment to be free. It’s not the healthiest way, I know. I’m not perfect by any means, but I am going to survive.

6 Years

December 24, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

How much time is quantifiably “enough?” How long SHOULD things take… or how long do we want them to last? Time is happening, but, I find, individual perceptions of it vary greatly. Including my own, within my own life.

I found something on the internet while clinging desperately hope and scouring for words and images of my past. I found some text and read it, from 6 years ago on Christmas… It was the spark of something powerful, frozen in time). A check-in from a previously unremembered interval that seems now more like decades ago. My chronologic sense of this period, not the same as memory, is vastly different from the actual measured steps of days recorded. Things were accelerating towards a peak in these words, glowing and radiant. I feel far removed from parallels or similarity now, but the hurt of it is still near…

What I think my askew sense of time shows is that it doesn’t take long for our lives to change. In the years since that note, I’ve fundamentally reprioritized, changed professions, passions, goals, and embraced a new reality that works for equilibrium in my present environment. I look back and both sigh with awe, and swallow hard knowing what dark days lie ahead. When I reflected, I thought about how many things I had yet to learn, and how fundamental a reboot I would receive in the years to come.

During the decay after that peak, things seemed agonizingly drawn-out, but smeared and indiscernible, like grease on drywall. Such distant turbulence is hard to accurately document with memory, but little glimmers like this one remind me that, regardless of outcome, it started the right way. I had forgotten, but the origin was well intended, innocent, pure, impulsive and magnetic. It was like a dream, but I didn’t work nearly enough to make sure it stayed beautiful, and we fell into decay.

A gift from the past, but one that carries the weight and responsibility of reality. I am a creepy stalker asshole whatever to go sniffing around… but my heart is broken and I don’t have enough ways of coping that channel my emotions productively, apparently. I look for her words somewhere out there, with an ill-fated desire seeking an alternative reality that doesn’t exist. I know it isn’t hiding on some website, waiting to be found, which rends me even more. There is no end, only an ongoing state of realized, unrequited incompleteness… and our remembered laughter echoes down the long hallway of time, reaching my ears as little more than screams.

I must resolve of my own accord, and in a time that suits me best.

Threadbare

December 20, 2018 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Bipolar, Creative Writing, Death, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Images, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

A sinew;

Twisting, stretch-snapping the expanse,

Shredded down to an impossible wire.

But feeling it there–

Some thread still binding,

In unrequited twitterpation,

Escaping the fury of torment,

Yet yanking at the throat–

Scraping the hole left by death.

It’s only in dreaming–

That some bridge still exists,

A span still endures,

Where she can still be found.

L

December 20, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Images, Introspection, Life, Loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Down is there under the mask.

In the flesh itself.

Broiling with fever just underneath.

It is a pressure.

A slowly increasing a downward force.

Feeling bones crunching and snapping.

It is a beat of the heart.

Agonizingly drawn out and scrutinized.

Grasping for purchase where there is none.

Pulsing, gulping and sputtering on.

It is the mirror of memory.

All the second guessing and reassessing.

Spinning alternate fates.

Musing on impossible realities.

Wishing to live in a dream instead of life.

Saddened by the depths of dejection.

Wilderness-bound, cold and wandering.

Screaming only where no one can hear.

Original J

December 20, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Introspection, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Before Ja* there was Je*, and last night I was again visited by a spectre of my past. in Je*’s relationship, there was a very physical, carnal, fuel abundance. My dream ventured deep into the entwining moisture of sex, the spontaneity of passion, the strip-down clothes-shredding-seizure that ensures when the moment is nigh. But yes, there was still that anger and conflict. Even amidst that largely satisfactory arrangement, there was the tension of misunderstanding, the vast gorge filled with resentment looming. The fire burned fast, flickered, and then was gone forever.

It is emblematic of my past relationships. Starting with an explosion of similarly mirrored energies, then dwindling as the strands tear in the drift. It makes me wonder if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. It makes me wonder if I am even capable of being a good partner. It reminds me of what it feels like to be loved by no one who doesn’t have to.

Eggerfried

November 30, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Pride, Self, Trauma

Do things break that little bubble around you like they do for me sometimes? Not sure on the specifics of what pierces and what does not, but I definitely know when it is happening. I feel abruptly emotional, suddenly swimming in head scrunchies and often times a bit spinny with the unfriendly.

I tend to go away and hide both literally and figuratively. “I need time to think,” I tell myself in my brain. Dust particles take a few minutes of not thrashing around to settle down and reveal the original source of the kerfuffle. After that, I start having decent thoughts, but carefully.

I’m human. I get angry sometimes, yeah. I try to avoid venting on to anyone in real life as that smells of unhealthy. Anger, rage and hate are Ailey forces used to destroy things, or others. There is great power, but only to support waste. Instead of consuming the galaxy in my agony, I find myself writing things that never get published or stewing on a chain linked series of compounding thoughts which have some negative reason for being.

I don’t expect that I will ever get pro at any of this. The mean voice has all sorts of clever ways of being relevant. Coping skills can be taught, yes. However, implementing is an entirely different animal. Failure, dismay and regret are frequent customers at the diner of my consternation.

One thing I feel I’ve improved on is not stuffing my frustration without recognition and also to avoid acting on volatile emotions. Fucking that up is likely to happen, bus do too will getting back up. Emotions deserve respect for being, but not indulgence to further stuff the gluttonous beast. Just stop, breathe, count to a number higher than 6, and use your butterfly voice.

Dredge

November 28, 2018 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Death, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Images, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Sex, Trauma

Sunk-shaft in throat-deep brown,

Residual, pungent excrement of time,

Aspirate viscous words,

Review abhorrent scenes–

Snarled in knotted forever nevers,

Plopped firmly in the mud of then.

The stink of hate–

Long permeated through cracked windows–

Careless doorseams,

The dank, mildew-wet scent–

Of irreconcilability.

A Dream…

November 2, 2018 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Images, Insomnia, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Thoughts, Trauma

It was a house I lived in now, but not one I had ever seen before. There were many well-lit rooms, hallways and balconies that opened up wide. There was flashy yellow trim, and the blue in the sky was vibrant above.

Yet, somewhere within the house, there was a door that went down. It was a door I opened and looked into freely. A solitary ladder stretched on into encompassing darkness of the featureless shaft, to some unseen place.

I began to descend. Down came with markers, years, I knew, ticking by the deeper I went. I knew it was a measure of time, but I couldn’t read the numbers. It wasn’t cold, despite how far it went on into the abyss below.

At the bottom, there was a dimly lit chamber. There was no visible floor, only endless shards of something small, shiny and black strewn or piled from wall to wall.

You were there J. You held the shards up in your palm so I could look at them, and then I realized what they were. They were once letters; literally large, black three dimensional letters that one might expect to find at an old timey gas station or cinema. The letters were broken into unrecognizable pieces. As I looked around, there were thousands of them, knee-deep in all directions. Your black hair glinted in the pale light filling the room and I remembered.

You wanted me to follow you, and we started walking through the catacombs, but it felt more like I was chasing you. Between the archways and pillars, you slipped away from my view. I knew I couldn’t stay, because I had to go back.

Then, it was gone.

Blind

September 11, 2018 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Divorce, Dreams, Emotions, Family, Images, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Pride, Relationships, Self, Sex, Thoughts, Trauma

Smeared streak across glass–

Prune-like pulp chunk,

Blasted splat to barrier.

Vacantly gulping–

Eyeball-seeking,

The other side.

—

Embossed in “la la” afterglow,

A faded twirly skirt no one wears,

In a vacant room–

11th floor–

A light was left on.

Spatula’d off the surface–

Plorped into a dustbin,

Mingling with the glops–

Deposits within firmament.

Flatness

August 4, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Music, NAMI, Nightmares, Relationships, Sacramento, Self, Trauma, Work

Back from event this evening, many tired. My body hurts, and breathing wildfire smoke all afternoon was not a friend. I feel stretched, like thousands of tiny hooks are trying to peel off my skin. Achy creaks and general grunty responses are commonplace.

Good was dispensed this afternoon, assuredly. I muscled up and strapped on the happy smiles professional guise. La la! Have a happy fun!

Retreating to my soft place now, I recall how I was haunted by music today. Their faces came back to me. I saw things, and felt. I remembered. It was largely not a good thing.

All day it has been this way. I need rest, peace, sleep. I tried to do a good job, and I was told that I had. Positive affirmations. Progress. Steps forward, despite foreboding

It’s just me now. There will never be another. I am all there is left. I must go forward.

Necessary Avoidance

June 30, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Emotions, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Self, Sex, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

I am endeavoring not to persist in polar judgement of things, and I do believe this is true in most recent cases. However…

I have learned that one of those areas that is still firmly polarized is my past loves. I can’t have them in my life at all, regardless of capacity. I have learned that there is no benefit in looking back, and the dead still do not rise up and walk amongst us last time I checked. The past is buried and gone, while the trigger on many memories can still be invoked and is active. This is the worrying aspect of my necessary avoidance.

The remembering is pain unrequited; a loss of unrealized potential. The devastation of a incinerated investment of love and trust, fouled by my own mistakes of circumstance. They are a disemboweled remnant of something beautiful that will never be anything more than the pile of organs and blood left splattered on the floor, regardless of my desire. I have tried too many times to resuscitate, staring the obvious impossibility down the barrel, and surprised when I’m shot in the face. I tire of this dynamic.

My own feelings are still not under control, at all. Even on a daily basis, it is a battle to go and do. The inciting agony of interference or invited contact from the past is too much to accept while straining to maintain balance. I can’t have anyone else now, and I won’t invite new people to participate in any relational capacity again. I am unfit physically and mentally for the task, and that is not debatable.

I don’t want to see, feel or think about it anymore. There is nothing there. There will not be anything in the future. I have no interest in this at all, and will avoid inviting any risk in the upcoming waning remainder.

It hurts, but “goodbye” is all that there is. I tried, but I was wrong to try. I was in poor judgement to think that the old soul would retain enough nutrients to allow something to grow. It is the past: unchanging and fading into oblivion. The future is all I have left, and I refuse to spend it pining for others.

I’ve wasted too much time as it is. The arrow points away from these contemplations, and so, I follow. Evidence says, move on… so, I try.

Responseless

June 30, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Emotions, Images, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Self, Thoughts, Trauma

Sounding pang of a hammer slam–

Wailing with the escaping anguish,

The cries fade in the clattering noise.

Hollow echoes, desperate and resounding,

Hurt the stone walls with their shrieking scrapes–

Almost words, but more a feeling.

Banging on into the distance,

Rattling–

Hollow of remembrance,

Soaked in the flavors of now.

The drops peel off corners,

Plated hard and unfractured.

Puddling to be dissolved,

Nothing but the soft hiss–

Of the silence underground.

Turns Out…

June 19, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Death, Depression, Divorce, Family, Life, Loss, Love, Medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

Consider this a post a notification of Blog redaction Concerning my previous post titled I Stand, Accused and resulting comments.

In response to the comments: I am still willing to discuss my behavior in relation to my exes and how my mental illness or other states cause them harm or trauma. I think engaging in a discussion about this sort of thing could be constructive. However, I think participation is still strictly contingent upon some form of mutual respect and not complete vehemence.

I do vastly prefer constructive conversation opposed to destructive and hateful word-chucking (which is all that was fundamentally happening).

So with that, I have had a very thought-provoking and emotion-assailing 36 hours, but now the hope for useful discourse on the topic of my transgressions is gone.

I will, no doubt, have some form of ambiguous summary failing to disclose vital facts of the matter but tempting with scintillating adjectives which imply, but do not overtly suggest anything.

I’m the same me I was 30 minutes ago, and getting ready for another fun-smelling day tomorrow.

Inertia

June 18, 2018 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Divorce, Family, Introspection, Life, Loss, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, NAMI, Relationships, Self, Sex, Society, Suicide, Thoughts, Trauma

Good morning.

I have been struggling today. I’m sure all this talk of the past has likely given away the reason for my constant deliberation. It has brought words, thoughts and potent feelings back into the forefront. I don’t interpret this as a crisis, but as an opportunity to test my skills.

There is a process to moving through events, one that pays appropriate attention to their components while also softening the harshness of old wounds. Nothing in terms of circumstance will be changed by my own thoughts alone and I have long ago abandoned hope for deliberation or any sort of resolution. So, today I have been thinking, and churning. I have done the healthy physical walking thing, which has helped normalize. I did not stagnate in isolation, I had my words, and now, I’m working.

I’m NAMI Helpline guy today, and two full days at the office Tuesday – Wednesday. On Wednesday night I’m going to an LGBTQ + Mental Health meeting in the community. I did learn, after Pride, that NAMI doesn’t offer a specific program or service targeted at this population. I thought that was odd, considering the potential for Mental Illness to thrive there seems high. I’m hoping to learn a lot from the presentation and schmooze with everybody after it’s over. I did great after the NAMI status meeting helping out and being friendly with all the new people I met. I did feel very happy about myself that night, and as this week begins, I am already being similarly reinforced.

Today my only Helpline call was so gracious, and thanked me for hearing her (her son was in crisis) as she struggled through a difficult time. She wanted to know how long I would be on today, and when next I would be on the Helpline. I have had similar feedback in previous weeks, even to the point of one of them asking if I would take his brother on as a client (I did not).

I’m not a bad person. I may have been someone who has done painful, regrettable things in the past, but I am not that same personality silhouette at all at this moment. I am not living a model of continued harm to those I profess to love, and casting my personal responsibility on to others or abandoning it altogether. I have done that; it is just as gross and lacking in merit as it sounds. I have stopped being someone I did not want to be, and forged myself in to a man who is proud and has a purpose in this life. I intend to affect reality, improve the standard of living, uplift the mistreated and minorities so that all have a seat at the table of society. I feel my heart, and I’m guided by a morality and purpose that points a direction I am unequivocally proud of.

I live the life I know I need to. I am not a morose penitent resigned to guilt, achieving nothing. I am a light. I will be seen, and I am already filling the world around me with illumination. I can say that, because it’s just fucking true. A huge pile of evidence points to a man who is confident, effusive and eager to challenge the prejudicial norms of society.

I’d love to stay and chat, but I have research to do for my grant and sections to write for the submission. Hope you are up to something just as productive!

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